Sex Life | Page 8 of 13

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 32-year old pansexual trans man who grew up in Nigeria then relocated to the US. He talks about navigating sex as a trans man and dealing with transphobia from his partners.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was very reserved as a kid, and I didn’t do a lot of the adventurous stuff kids my age were doing. Then when I was fourteen, I remember messing around with this girl from school.

We didn’t do much — she would touch my legs and thighs sometimes in class. She was my first kiss and first attempt at sex, but what we had didn’t last long.

Why didn’t it last long?

Rumours started flying about us. People noticed and everyone was talking about how two girls were lesbianing together. Can you guess what happened next?

No. What?

The babe distanced herself from me and joined people in spreading rumours about me. I was considered a tomboy then, so I was an easy target. Like, this babe went from initiating stuff to making me out to be some kind of predator.

Jesus Christ.

It was awful, but it was, unfortunately, not my only experience with how stressful cis people can be. Luckily, my family moved states not long after that, and I didn’t return to that school the next year.

How did that affect you in the long term?

It was traumatising. People attacking me in that way, someone I was intimate with turning on me like that because of my gender expression is something I still deal with till today.

Till today? How so?

After I came into my gender identity, I dated this babe who said she was okay with my identities. She even had her pronouns in her bio. But whenever we would quarrel, she would use female pronouns on me.

When we made up, she would say she was caught up in the heat of it all and apologise. After we broke up, she told me she would send boys to beat me. Someone heard her telling people she would get boys to rape me.

It fucked me up for a long time.

I’m so sorry about that.

It’s fine. I am much better now.

How’s your sex life now?

Really good. It took me years to accept and find peace with my identities as a pansexual trans man, but I have and now, my sex life is thriving. I am having more and better sex in my thirties than I was in my twenties, and I hope it keeps getting better.

One thing no one tells you is that, as a queer person, you sacrifice your early years to your parents and society. We tend to belong to ourselves only when we are older. Now, I and my orgasms belong to me.

I am not currently dating anyone, but I’m also not searching, so I’m having regular sex — at least thrice a week — with many different people.

Do you still hook up with cis people?

Yeah, I do. Regularly. I always and without fail let them know my gender identity before we get into bed, but I don’t know if I want to date any cis person soon. I have suffered in their hands a little bit too much.

Fair. When did you realise you were pansexual?

I always knew, even though I didn’t know the word. The same way I always knew I wasn’t a girl despite what everyone said. I always liked who I liked. I would see a boy on TV and be like, “Damn”, then I would see a girl and feel the same.

People started calling me lesbian, and I accepted the label because I think I always knew that even though I like girls and boys, I like girls just a little bit more. But I didn’t explore my pansexuality until I got into university.

Why did you wait till then?

I think after what happened in secondary school, I repressed myself for a long time because I didn’t want to deal with that type of bullying or gaslighting. For uni, I went to the US. It was there that I came to terms with my pansexuality and transness.

I knew who I was before I got there, but being in that space helped me explore and understand it better. Then I made friends with similar identities and that just permitted me to be myself.

By my third year in uni, I was a certified slut. Every day, a new person. I felt like I wanted to make up lost time.

What about relationships?

I have a horrible track record with relationships. People are very violent with trans people, especially in relationships. The first person I was intimate with was the babe in secondary school.

The next person was a girl who kept using me for examples on social media and in real life. Like, casually using my experiences, body, and things she knew about me as a partner to be making examples on Twitter. All without my permission.

Hian.

See. I would tell her to stop, then she would apologise, and the next thing I would see is a tweet like “Trans men do not owe you a penis. My boyfriend hasn’t had bottom surgery, and I love his vagina.” It was too much.

The sex was the bomb, but after a while, I realised it was time to end it. The next girl was the one who was transphobic when we quarrelled. Then I dated someone when I was in Nigeria for a while. That might have been my best relationship.

Tell me about that.

It was with a trans woman. I was in Nigeria for a few months for a project, and I hoped to remain unattached for a while. Then I met her and we just clicked. I think it’s the similarity of our experiences and everything. From sexual appetite to our minds, we were actual matches.

What happened then?

Have you ever met someone that you just know is meant for you, but the location didn’t allow you to be the best couple you could be? That’s what happened.

I don’t think I have ever fallen that hard in love, but I had to go back to the US, and I am waiting for her to join when she’s done with her degree. I know once we are in the same place, it will work.

Wow. Have you dated anyone since then?

Yeah, a guy.

Oh?

Yup. Also by this time, I had a phalloplasty.

What’s that?

Bottom surgery. Most people know of metoidioplasty, the gender-affirming bottom surgery which helps a trans man get a new penis by enlarging the clitoris. I had a phalloplasty, which means they used skin grafted from my body to form a penis.

Then I had a penile implant so I can get and maintain erections.

That’s amazing.

Yup, it is. The first is more popular because it is more straight forward than the second and doesn’t require as many revisions or doctor visits. Luckily, after the project I had been working on, I could afford the procedure, as well as the time for all of this.

That makes sense, How did that affect your relationships moving forward?

Well, the boy I dated next spent a huge part of our relationship measuring our penises.

Excuse me?

Yup. I had to ask my friends in gay relationships if this was a normal thing, and they were all shocked. One time, he said mine was bigger because it was fake. I broke up with him via text.

He deserved it, please.

Plus the sex wasn’t really good. We keep dragging straight cis men, but the gay ones should up their game too.

LMAO. I agree.

I think people have been looking at me as a real trans man now that I have had top and bottom surgery, which is just sad. I have always been a trans man, even when my parents made me wear skirts and gowns.

I wish people realised your transness isn’t only legitimate after surgery.

True. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Eight. I am having a lot of good sex regularly. I just hope it keeps getting better.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old bisexual man who, three years after he got married, discovered he also likes men. He talks about how his sex life improved once he started exploring his sexuality.

When did you have sex for the first time?

When I was 18, I had sex with my best friend. We were in university at the time and had never had sex or made out with anyone. We decided to try it out and it was disastrous to say the least.

How so?

I didn’t know what to do. I had never watched porn, barely watched sex scenes in movies. She was just as clueless. We ended up making out all night and that was really nice. Every other thing was meh.

Did she feel the same way?

Yes. We agreed to never try it again but, instead, help each other learn about sex and find other people to experiment with. So, we both started watching porn and reading books, which, ironically, led us astray.

What do you mean?

There’s a lot of misleading information about sex out there. Porn was one of our primary materials, and from watching porn, you’d assume that men and women came at the exact same time. Or that foreplay wasn’t as important as sex. Suffice to say, all the sex I was having between the ages of 18 and 20 was nonsense.

It took finding someone more experienced than I was to actually enjoy sex. She was an older woman — I think five years older — and we met through my best friend. We had similar interests and became quick friends. One thing led to another, and she invited me over to her house. First thing we did was make out and then have sex. I had my first orgasm at the age of 20, and it was amazing. For the rest of that weekend, I stayed over at her place and we kept having sex.

She recognised how bad I was because she was very patient with me and eager to make me come — at the expense of her own orgasms. However, she eventually lost her patience and started teaching me how to make her come. After this point, I went to her house almost every other weekend and we’d have sex throughout. It was like I was doing weekend lessons. Every weekend, I learned something new.

What happened next?

In my head, it felt like the key to having great sex was having it with older women. So after we ended things — she started dating someone her age who was rich and definitely more experienced — I decided I wanted to start dating again. And so, I went for another older woman who eventually became my wife.

How much older?

Six years older.

How old were you then?

I think I had just turned 22 when we met. We were just friends at first, even though I had the hugest crush on her. She said she could never date someone who was six years younger than she was, especially since she was ready to settle down. I agreed to be just friends, but I told her to try to keep an open mind.

We were friends for like two years before anything happened between us. In the meantime, I was meeting up with other women and having subpar sex. For one reason or the other, it never worked out with these women. Either they weren’t good enough, or we weren’t attracted to each other.

In my head, I knew that if I just had sex with this 28-year-old woman, I would get back what I used to have with the other older woman. I should mention that during this time, that first older woman came back to me for a bit — her and her boyfriend broke up and she needed someone’s shoulders to lean on. I was there for her emotionally and physically.

Did your now wife know about it?

She didn’t know at the time. She didn’t need to know, anyway, because we were not involved sexually or emotionally. Eventually, sometime around the time I turned 24, she told me she was ready to give me a chance.

That was how we started dating. We didn’t even date for long before we got married.

How long did you date for?

Six months.

Was there any reason for this?

I wasn’t ready to get married in all honesty, but she was and I was afraid that I’d lose her if I didn’t propose to her soon. Besides, we had known each other for longer. So it didn’t feel like I didn’t know her or that we were rushing.

Another reason, though, is that she was celibate. She was saving herself for marriage and because we were dating, I had to be celibate as well. Those six months were torture. I proposed to her in month six and within a month, we were married.

Wow. Interesting.

I’m still so shocked that I got married so quickly, because it wasn’t in my plan. But I love her and was willing to do anything to make her happy.

Did the age difference come up at any point?

Nope. Her parents were supportive, and so were mine. Well, I do look older than she does. It helped that our parents actually knew each other before we even became friends. Her mum and my mum had worked together when they were younger.

So what is married sex like?

It was and is still so good. She is a freak in the sheets. Parts of her that she had carefully hidden from me came out, and I was pleasantly surprised. Best part of it was that she was open to trying new things, which was one thing I had been afraid of.

Why were you afraid of that?

Well, I had been having mediocre sex, except for a few exceptions. So I felt that I needed to experiment more. Unfortunately, it was at the same time that I wanted to begin experimenting that she told me she was ready.

I had to put everything aside to date her. Sex was off limits while were dating, so there went my experiments.

What kind of experiments?

One time, she suggested that we watch porn, and I was like, no, I don’t do that — because of my history with porn, I wasn’t into it again. Anyway, she cajoled me and we watched a really good one. She has really good taste in porn, which is shocking. She asked me if I’d be open to a threesome, and I casually said yes. Lowkey, I was screaming “HELL YES” in my head.

We tried a threesome with my best friend from university, and she was so into it. We decided to make it a regular thing. I think twice a month. After a while, she suggested she was bored of threesomes with just women and asked if I’d be interested in having a man in the equation. My first instinct was to say no. But eventually, I was like, “Yeah, sure, but only once”. And that once was a really defining moment for my sex life.

How so?

I enjoyed it so much and became infatuated with the guy who joined us — her friend. I was going to keep this to myself, but I decided it would be good to tell her how I felt. I first asked her if her interest in sex with women meant she was bisexual and she told me she doesn’t do labels. That is literally what she says about everything.

I told her how I felt about her friend, and she was like she’s always suspected that I was into men. I was quite shocked because it had never occured to me that I could be into men. There was a level of maturity with which she handled the conversation that even I don’t have.

Why did you think you could never be into men?

Homophobia, I guess. I felt that to be straight was “normal”. I unlearned that as a married man.

Oh okay. What did she say about your crush?

She asked if I wanted to explore, that she didn’t mind. I told her no oh, that I can never cheat on her. She told me she was literally giving me the permission, that she’d rather I not cheat on her. And so I eventually had solo sex with him and, gosh, it was amazing.

It was also confusing: it had taken me so long to learn about sex with women, now I had to do it all over again with men. Well I didn’t have to, but I thought I had to. So in the beginning, I did nothing about it and we went on with our life as normal. But it now began to seem like our sex life was missing something.

So I made the mistake of cheating. I would go out on dates with other men and lie that I was working late or something. I don’t know why I felt the need to lie, because she would have understood. Eventually I got caught.

Oh wow.

We had our first huge fight, which took forever to settle. When we did settle it though, we agreed that I had to be more honest with her and that I could date other men, but only have one male sex partner at a time.

How did that go?

Oh yeah, it went really well. I started dating someone recently and somehow, having sex with him has really been good for my sex life with my wife. I don’t know how to explain it, but it felt like something was rekindled between us and the sex just became a lot better.

So how would you rate your sex life?

With my wife? 10/10. With my boyfriend, maybe 6/10. I’m still learning work here.

Do you love your boyfriend in the same way you love your wife?

Not yet. I don’t think I can love anyone the way I love her, but I also really enjoy exploring my sexuality. It feels like I’m actually living for the first time.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 20-year-old bisexual woman who makes money selling pictures and videos of her feet online. She talks about the initial stress of starting the side hustle and how it has affected her sex life.

What was your first sexual experience?

I think my earliest sexual experience was with Harlequin novels. I was around eight or so, but I used to devour those books. I started having less-than-PG feelings when I was 12, but I didn’t try to masturbate to them until I was 17.

Did you enjoy it?

Not at all. Masturbation was nothing like they described it in the books. The first time I tried it, I didn’t feel anything memorable. So, I did some research, and it got better after some time. Still, it only feels good, not great.

I’m yet to have my first orgasm.

Like, ever or just from masturbating?

Ever.

Oh damn. Have you been intimate with other people?

My first sexual experience with another person was after secondary school. I met this older guy who wanted me to send nudes and call him daddy, but I wasn’t really comfortable sending nudes. So, we just sexted instead.

I wasn’t really into it, but I enjoyed the attention. I went along with it until I got bored.

What happened after you got bored?

I tried to explore my sexuality. I had a huge crush on my best friend, but I didn’t tell her because she’s straight, and I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I decided to try dating women, but I couldn’t find anyone I connected with.

I met this really sweet girl on Tinder, but there was no attraction from either of us, so we’re just friends now. I met another daddy, and I don’t know if it was his voice or something, but I actually enjoyed sexting with him.

Do you generally enjoy sexting?

It depends on a few factors. When I’m in control of the situation, sexting is like a 7/10 for me. When the other person is in control, it’s like a 4.6/10. When we’re both just vibing, it’s like a 5.5/10.

Interesting. What about sex?

I’ve never had intercourse, but I don’t know if I would be classified as a virgin.

Why do you think so?

Well, it’s a social construct for starters, but I’m also not sure if never having a penis inside me — even though I masturbate, sext and make porn — still counts as “virginity”. When I’m asked, I just say I’m not a virgin. It’s easier.

You make porn? What kind?

I sell pictures of my feet on the internet.

Oh wow. How did you discover that was a thing?

So, I’ve always been aware of foot fetishes because of the media and books. When the lockdown started, things were tight, and I didn’t know what to do. I used to bake for extra cash, but no one was splurging on pastries at the time.

I googled how to make money online, but everything I saw was either a scam or slavery. Then I saw a website that suggested selling foot pictures and the thought was planted in my head. I decided to dig deeper.

One day, I sat down, opened my camera and took pictures of my feet in socks. I don’t know if it’s just me, but society deems feet gross, so I was insecure about photographing them bare. I created an Instagram account and shared my first post.

What was the response like?

I used relevant hashtags, so I got some likes — 13 or so. The likes were from real people, but the comments were from bots run by Yahoo boys promising to “spoil me silly”. I didn’t get any comments from real people.

Ehn? Yahoo boys?

Yeah. A LOT of Yahoo boys are in the foot community trying to scam foot models. I was just as shocked as you are to be honest. They’ll say stuff like, “I will send you $300 if you send me $50. Babe trust me. I swear on my manhood.”

LMAO. Wow.

See, you can always sense Nigerian energy. You can just sense it.

So, when did you find a real person?

I didn’t know how hard it was actually going to be. In the blog I read, they said: “Post your feet and you’ll make money. Buyers are EVERYWHERE.” While that’s true to an extent, it’s much more than getting a pedicure and snapping your feet.

I met a lot of real guys after three days of using relevant hashtags and “follow for follow”, but they were cheap men asking for free stuff, weird stuff and nudity. For the first month, it was literally just freeloaders, scammers and weirdos.

When did you find proper customers?

After I decided to actually give it my best. I knew I wasn’t really putting out quality content, so I decided to understand the fetish and its various subgroups. I studied successful models and learnt to weed out time-wasters.

I gave it another proper go, and after two weeks, I started seeing results. I took better pictures, invested in props and pedicures and became part of the community. I made my first sale after a week, and it’s been getting better ever since.

What kind of props did you invest in?

Socks and other footwear. Fruit and food. Lots of baby oil. I want to get a ring light, but I don’t know how I’ll explain that one to my parents.

You could say you’re launching a TikTok career.

LMAO. I like that angle.

Are your clients Nigerians?

I restricted Nigerians from finding my page. No offence, but Nigerian men can be really cheap, especially to sex workers. Plus, the Yahoo boys were annoying. Some even still find my page with VPN.

LMAO. Don’t worry, I’m not offended. So, where are your clients from?

Mostly US and UK.

Do you mind sharing how much you charge and for what?

I sell pictures, videos and video calls. For pictures and videos, I sell custom content and premade content. For premade content, I sell a set of 10 pictures for $5, 15 pictures for $10 and 20 pictures for $15. For custom content, it’s 1 picture for $5 and 3 for $10.

Videos depend on length and content. For premade videos, it ranges between $3 and $15. For custom videos, it’s $10 for a 1-minute clip, $15 for 2-3 minutes and $20 for 4-5 minutes.

So, what’s your financial goal long-term?

My goal is to be able to have this as a solid source of passive income. I don’t plan to do this forever; it’s just something I can make money off of. So far, I’ve made over $300, and on the plus side, it’s actually enjoyable sometimes.

I’m currently working on a fan site. It’ll be subscription-based because it’s less stressful when I put all my videos and pictures in one place and people pay to access them. That’s easier than constantly marketing my shit.

How much work is all of this?

Like every business venture, it’s a lot at first, but once you do the hard work in the early stages, it gets easier. You have to define your goals, your lines, your approach and your persona.

You also have to market, manage your finances, manage customer relations, build relationships with other people in your field and create content. So, yeah, it’s work, but it gets easier. That’s not to say there aren’t bad parts though.

What bad parts?

The typical entitled men. Slut-shaming. Racism. Instagram censorship. Stalkers and crazy men. There is a guy whose whole thing is to tear down women of colour in the foot community.

There’s another guy that his thing is to try as hard as possible to get your account deleted off Instagram. He literally advertises that if a model pisses you off, just give him her handle, and he’ll get her deleted.

That’s messed up. Has this affected your sex life?

I had a boyfriend when I started this whole thing, but I broke up with him. I also had a slave at one point. I’d give him tasks and punish him. For him, it was about the pleasure of being dominated.

Right now, I’m single and not searching. I don’t really get wet when I’m sexting with a client unless he lets me dominate him. I have erotica and my fingers to keep me satisfied. I see dicks so often, even when I don’t want to, so I’m kinda desensitised.

Wait. Did the breakup have anything to do with your work?

No, he just wasn’t treating me right. He begged to date me, even after I told him that I was doing this. He was just too tight-fisted though he had money. I ended things when, on my birthday, he didn’t give me anything except a picture of his dick.

LMAO. Na wa. What about dominating men? When did you realise you liked that?

When I was 17, this random white guy DM’d me. It started off pretty innocently, but then he just sent me a picture of his dick, and it was super tiny. Like, microscopic. I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t.

Then I noticed he was kinda encouraging me to give him my honest feedback. When I told him his dick was tiny, I could tell he was into it. I kept humiliating him because I was into it as well.

I was dumb back then, so I didn’t try to get cash out of him. I thought it was weird, but I was also intrigued. I didn’t explore my dominant side again until I became a foot model. The first time I told a guy to kneel and he obeyed, the sexual high was out of this world.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it a 5.7 out of 10. I’m a pretty sexual person, but I can go a while without doing anything sexual for my pleasure. Also, I guess because I’ve never had penetrative sex.

Do you have any intention of having penetrative sex?

I do actually. It’s just not something that’s do or die right now. If it happens, it happens.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who feels she’s been lucky to have good sex since she got married. She talks about how she went from having only clitoral orgasms to exploring sex positions and discovering other kinds of orgasms.

When was your first sexual experience?

When I was 18, I made out with a guy in my class. We were studying at night in school, then we went to the back of the building to “talk”. One thing led to another and we started making out. It wasn’t planned at all.

You had never done anything sexually before this?

Never. I am a Christian and in my dad’s church, we were told sex is bad. They didn’t say that premarital sex was bad. They said sex was wrong generally.

My dad felt this way too and would actually flare up if he saw me talking to a guy. He was super protective, so I was very sheltered. It didn’t help that I didn’t grow up with my mum. I didn’t have anyone to ask any questions I had about sex. So I really didn’t have the chance to explore until university.

What was the experience like?

I think it was a great first kiss. I felt things I had never felt before and really couldn’t wait to do more.

What happened after making out?

In my head, I thought he had a crush on me because we made out and so, I became obsessed with him and couldn’t wait for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. That never happened though we made out six times after. I eventually found out he was talking to one of my friends and later that year, they had started dating. I was so heartbroken by the entire thing, I made up my mind to wait for marriage. I wasn’t going to kiss anyone until my wedding day.

How did that work out?

I failed in some ways. Throughout uni, I stopped making out. Although one day, a male friend came to my hostel and we pecked each other. I stopped it from going further because I hadn’t learned how to distance my emotions from sexual urges, so I told him no.

After university, I started going to a church where I was taught that sex wasn’t wrong, premarital sex was the problem. So when I started dating my first boyfriend, I let go of my rule and started making out. Unfortunately, he wanted to have sex, and I was like no, I’m not having sex until I get married. The relationship didn’t last.

Welp. What happened next?

I dated someone else, and it was the same thing. He wanted sex. I wouldn’t have even had sex with him because the first time he pecked me, his mouth was stinking. I just said, nah, I can’t do this, so I broke up with him.

I had this aunt who was divorced. She was always asking me about having a boyfriend and marriage. It was mostly banter, but the fact that she considered me adult enough to have a boyfriend when my dad felt I still shouldn’t be talking to boys made me feel like I could talk to her about anything including men and sex.

How old were you?

I think I had just turned 21. I asked her about sex, and she told me it’s a good thing and when I start having it, I’ll even get tired of it.

She also said it was one of the things that caused her divorce. She didn’t go into details, but she kind of inferred that he felt more comfortable exploring his sexual desires with other women and not her. So basically, he was cheating on her and giving her substandard sex.

She told me never to settle when it comes to sex, and that it was okay to be crazy in bed, as long as it was with my husband. She said that was what would keep my husband from cheating on me. I was like, okay.

I found it interesting that though she felt my enjoyment was important, she still made it a thing about pleasing my husband.

What happened after the conversation?

I started reading about the female body online, just to prepare myself and come equipped when it was time. I also read a lot of articles about women who had had bad sex all their life and was a bit scared, but I was determined never to have bad sex. This was hard because I was still determined to wait till marriage before having sex.

About a year later, I started dating someone new. I told him about waiting till marriage and he said that was his plan as well. I was a bit sceptical about that because I just felt he was going to cheat on me while we were waiting to get married.

Did he?

Not that I know and nothing ever indicated that. I actually need to learn trust. This, however, didn’t mean we didn’t talk about sex. We talked about it a lot, as much as we’d talk about money or our love for each other.

So you never had sex or got tempted to?

We eventually did before we got married. It wasn’t a mistake if I am being honest. We believed that since we were certain we would get married, we could do it anyway. We got a hotel and had sex. Was it lit? Yes it was. It was the most amazing experience in the world. I actually had an orgasm — my first orgasm.

I was so excited, that I didn’t pee after sex or think about pregnancy — we didn’t use a condom. The next day, I was peeing frequently and went to get tested. I had a UTI. I was so scared and believed that this was God’s punishment for having sex. I also started thinking I was pregnant. Any small change in my diet or nausea, and I would start panicking.

Did you talk to him about this?

Yeah. We had a conversation about it, and as soon as I could, I got a pregnancy test and did STD tests. I was clean, thankfully.

He sha said we had to talk to our pastor about it and just come clean. We did, even though I was really reluctant.

Why did you have to tell your pastor?

Accountability, so that it wouldn’t happen again. She was also our marriage counsellor and so it just made sense to tell her. I also needed to get rid of the mindset that God had punished me for having sex, when it was all in my head. Talking to her cleared that.

Were you bothered about it happening again?

We both were. We both enjoyed sex a lot. I personally couldn’t wait to have sex. I was willing to go to the registry that same month, just so we could get married and start having sex, so we definitely needed accountability, or else, we’d be having sex every other day.

When did you eventually get married?

After about two years together, we got married and finally could have all the sex we wanted.

I was having really good sex when we first got married. I would orgasm once during sex and would be completely happy and satisfied that I was having good sex in marriage.

Then one day, three years in, we travelled for our first ever vacation. We were having sex and I had multiple orgasms at once. I asked myself, ah, body, so you can do this?

Haha. Was he doing something different?

Yes. So at the start of our marriage, I was very specific about the kind of sex that made me come — missionary. It was the sex position that we used the very first time we had sex before marriage. I wasn’t open to experimenting or trying any irregular styles that would make me work hard. As long as we both could come from missionary and doggy, I was fine.

However, during the trip, we tried cowgirl and that was when we had multiple orgasms. It was annoying to admit that the sex position was a factor because my husband had been trying to get us to try different positions for a long time and me I’m lazy, even though I want the best for my sex life. In fact, I think that I was just lucky to be coming alone from missionary. I think I also lowkey believed some of these other sex styles were sinful based on things I had heard growing up. I don’t think it was just my laziness.

Did you explore more?

Yes, I opened up to exploring more.

I didn’t know that I was capable of having anything other than clitoral orgasms, until I went and did more research. And soon, I was having vaginal orgasms and anal orgasms.

I started working out just so that I could become more active in bed. I read somewhere that it helps and so far, it has helped me become comfortable with other sex positions. My current favourite is reverse cowgirl. I can come seven times in a session and that’s my bad day

Lit. So how would you rate your sex life?

I’m tempted to say 15 over 10, but I wonder if it can actually get any better. Based on my experience, I’m inclined to believe that it will actually get better and I’m here for that.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who has never had penetrative sex because she’s embarrassed by the way her vagina looks. She talks about having to rely on just masturbation for her sexual gratification.

What was your first-ever sexual experience?

I was 11 the first time I watched porn. I had a slightly older cousin who always brought over a bunch of “blue film” VHS tapes whenever he visited, and my grandmother’s aunty — not sure what to call her — would watch them with him.

One day, I stayed home from school because I was sick and ended up watching it with them. They thought I was sleeping, but my eyes were open. That’s when my grandmother’s aunty started telling my cousin about her past sexual experiences.

She said whenever they went to the river as young girls, they would go to the part where the waterfall was gushing and put their private parts in front of it. She said it was good enough to replace a man.

Omo. I don’t even know where to start.

LMAO. After that day, I found out where my cousin hid the tapes, so I started watching them a lot. It was in one of them that I saw a woman using a showerhead to masturbate, and I immediately remembered the waterfall story.

So, when I took my bath that evening, I used the showerhead on myself and loved it.

How often did you do it?

Not very often because I started feeling religious guilt. I had just received my first holy communion as a catholic, so whenever I did it, I would have to go for confession. Then I went to boarding school, and there weren’t any showerheads.

What was your first experience with another person?

My first kiss was with a girl. I went to an all-girls school in my senior year, and I remember dancing with one of my classmates. We kept moving in closer and, for some reason, we just kissed. There was no tongue though.

The first person I kissed with tongue was a boy. I was in 100L, and it was very bad. He shoved his tongue down my throat, bit my lower lip and hit his teeth against mine. My lip and gum were bleeding. I remember crying when I got back to the hostel.

Damn. That sounds horrible.

Yup. I was really expecting some Cinderella-type kiss. No such luck.

What about sex?

I was legitimately terrified of getting pregnant, so sex wasn’t even up for discussion.

Why were you so terrified?

For some context, I was abused when I was seven years old. I didn’t mention it earlier because I don’t consider it a “sexual experience”. Anyway, while I was in the hospital, following the abuse, one of my aunties came to see my mother and me.

She told my mother that girls who get abused as young as I did always grow up to be ashewos because they already know how it feels to be touched by a man. She said I was now more likely to get pregnant early because I would be promiscuous.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Yup. My mum was very young at the time. She was in university when I got abused, and she felt so guilty that she almost dropped out. I was just a child, but I could see how my aunty’s words were getting to her.

My mum cried so much, even long after my aunty had left. So, I made a vow to myself, right there in the hospital, that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I wanted to prove my aunty wrong and make my mother proud.

I was horny all the time in secondary school, but I was too scared of getting pregnant to ever jump fence and collect dick. Even when my mates would do it and come back to testify, I just stuck to masturbating.

Wow. How long did your resolve last?

I was still afraid of having sex when I got to university, but I had this roommate who told me all the fun things I could do without penetration, from fondling to oral sex. So, when I met this guy I liked in 200L, he became the first person I experimented with.

I made it clear that I didn’t want penetrative sex, so we only made out and fondled each other. I never allowed him to take my underwear off because I was scared of crossing that boundary. He would always beg to put just the tip in, but I never let him.

He eventually got so frustrated that he freed me.

What happened after him?

I got a boyfriend a few months later, and he was the first person I let take my underwear off. I remember exactly how he reacted when he saw my vagina for the first time. He stepped back in shock, and I just had to pretend as if I didn’t notice.

He now used style to move to my breast and pull my underwear back up. I remember freezing on the bed and wanting to cry. We continued making out, and he got so into the moment that he pulled it back down and fingered me. I guess he got over the shock.

Wait. Why was he so shocked in the first place?

I think the manner in which I was abused as a child altered the way my vagina looks. It wasn’t penetrative abuse, but he used to pull at my labia and play with it. That caused my labia minora to become larger than my labia majora.

Since I started watching porn at a pretty young age, I had seen what a vagina was meant to look like — the labia minora was always tucked in and perfect — but mine looked nothing like that.

Then when I went to secondary school, girls didn’t waste any time telling me how ugly my vagina looked. It became so bad that I would wait for everyone to finish before I took my bath. I always got punished for being late, but it was better than being made fun of.

Wow. I’m so sorry. So, what happened with that boyfriend?

The next day, when he came to pick me to go watch a movie, he asked me if I smoked. Apparently, my vagina looked like I had been smoking and doing stuff for years. He was basically saying I had the vagina of an ashewo.

I got angry, cancelled our date and stayed home crying for the rest of the day. That was the last time I ever showed anyone my vagina. Even now, I never make out with the lights on.

Damn. How has this affected your sex life?

After that experience with my boyfriend, I became insecure about taking my clothes off in front of him. He eventually got tired and cheated on me, so we broke up. For the rest of my early 20s, I limited all my sexual activity to dry humping and masturbating.

Whenever a guy indicated any interest in me, I would make it clear that penetration was off the table. I became very good at dry humping and giving hand jobs, and that’s all I did until I graduated.

Did you date anyone again?

No, but I did meet a guy I had a mad crush on. He wasn’t fine like that, but there was something about him. Every time he talked to me and touched me, I wouldn’t be able to stop imagining how great he would be in bed.

He had a girlfriend, so I knew I couldn’t make a move at the time. They broke up, but during a pool party we all attended, I coincidentally shared a shower stall with her and caught a glimpse of her vagina. It was perfect, like pornstar perfect.

I immediately felt insecure. I couldn’t imagine him going from her perfect vagina to mine, so I withdrew. He kept trying to make a move, but I wasn’t being responsive. He also moved on, and I felt so bad. I ended up becoming a bit obsessed with him.

Obsessed? How so?

He started dating someone else, and I was actively stalking both of them on social media, waiting to hear that they’d broken up so I could swoop in. I would even masturbate to his image in anticipation of their break up.

At this point, the fear of pregnancy was no longer the reason I was not having sex; I was saving myself for this man. I wanted him to be my first penetrative experience. He was all I could think about.

Omo. Were you, at least, hooking up with other people?

Yeah. I met this guy during a work event and we clicked. He made me feel very comfortable, and he ended up being the first person to ever give me head. The lights were off, of course, but I was still scared he’d notice how it looked.

Not sure if he didn’t notice or care, but he didn’t react. He just got straight to work, and it was amazing. I gave him head too — I had watched a lot of porn in anticipation — and he came. I was very proud of myself, considering it was my first time.

So, we became friends with benefits, but we never had penetrative sex.

You were still waiting for that guy and his babe to break up?

Yeah. Then I heard that they had gotten engaged, and I was heartbroken. This news, coupled with the fact that I had just lost my job and was about to turn 30, made me become very depressed. I couldn’t stop crying.

When I told my friend what was going on, she got worried and invited me to come to stay at her place. She and her husband were very accommodating. I was their guest for about a month, and it ended up changing my sex life.

Ah. How? A threesome?

LMAO. No. One day, while I was helping my friend get something from her room, I spotted a small sex toy among her belongings. Immediately everyone had left for work, I went back for it, googled how to use it and got to work.

This was the first time something was penetrating me, so I had to use a lot of lube. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it still felt amazing. I increased the intensity of the vibration, and it was mind-blowing. I came a few minutes later.

Did you use it again?

I kept using it every day until the lube had reduced to an amount I thought she would have noticed. When I returned home, I needed to buy my own sex toy — my hands were no longer enough for me.

I was scared of using my ATM card to buy online because I didn’t want it to show on my account. So, I travelled to Abuja to go buy it. I lied I was going to look for a job, but I knew the real reason.

I came back with a bunch of toys. At the time, I was living with my mum. I knew I couldn’t comfortably use my toys in her house and that motivated me to move out. I was still broke and jobless, but I found a way.

LMAO. Wow. I have to hail your conviction.

See, I was ready. On my 30th birthday, I bought 3 packs of Chicken Republic rice and spent the entire day masturbating. I took a break to go see my mother, but I ran back and continued masturbating until the next morning.

Damn. So, what’s your sex life like now?

It’s just a lot of masturbating. I’m still insecure about how my vagina looks, and now, I have added a lot of weight, so I’m insecure about my body too. I’m just focused on my toys. They satisfy me, and one of them even made me squirt.

So you don’t want a relationship?

Of course, I do. As much as my toys satisfy me, I would still like to be held after I come. That being said, I’m scared. I’m scared of how obsessed I became with that crush; I’m scared that I’m not wife material; I’m scared that no man will ever like my body.

I’m sorry. Do you think you’ll ever try to have penetrative sex?

I have a dream of saving enough money to get surgery that will fix the way my vagina looks. I’m currently broke and jobless, so I don’t know if that will happen anytime soon, but if it does, then I’ll be confident enough to try penetrative sex.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it an 8 because what you don’t know won’t kill you. I’ve never had any fulfilling sexual experience with the opposite sex. All I know are my hands and my toys, and they have been good to me.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old heterosexual man who feels the size of his penis is preventing him from living his best sex life. He talks about how being shamed by multiple women has scarred him.

What was your first sexual experience?

When I was 12, I had a girlfriend. We used to make out in school and had plans to have sex after a school party. We didn’t go ahead with the plan because she backed out.

Do you know why she backed out?

She was scared. I was also scared, but I didn’t tell her that. I was happy she backed out. I moved on like I was the bold partner.

Why were you scared?

I was 12 and didn’t know anything about sex. I had never even masturbated. In addition to this, I was scared of hell. I wasn’t a Christian, but there was this evangelist by my house who preached every morning about the dangers of sex and why anyone who had it outside of marriage would rot in hell fire.

Yikes. What happened after?

We eventually broke up a year later. I think I came out of the relationship a bit bold, so I was making out with girls in my class a lot. I never went beyond that. Eventually, I met a girl in my neighbourhood who wanted to do more.

She was more experienced than I was — at least, that was the reputation she had. She was the first person who put her hands down my trousers. I didn’t allow her to go any further.

Why didn’t you go any further?

I didn’t want to be the novice in the equation. I wanted to be ready. After that day, I stole some porn CDs from my brother’s room and watched them a million times. After that, I tried masturbating. I couldn’t the first time.

Why not?

I guess I wasn’t comfortable touching myself. However, the more I tried, the easier it got. Eventually, I was doing it so much — sometimes twice a day — I forgot about women.

When did you eventually go back to women?

Not until after secondary school. I transferred to an all-boys boarding school after Junior WAEC, so it wasn’t easy to find girls to make out with.

While I waited for university, the first person I made out with was my brother’s girlfriend. She was about two years older. When she removed my zipper, she had a reaction that I didn’t understand at the time.

She went ahead to suck my dick and I didn’t think too much about the expression after. It was the first time I had an orgasm from anything other than masturbation. I enjoyed the experience a lot more than when I was masturbating. So I started to actively go after girls who were older.

How did that go?

I didn’t have much luck with that . A lot of them were condescending. Rightly so, sha. They wanted to know what I could offer. I didn’t have any money or social capital. I wasn’t necessarily attractive, so they moved on.

When I finally got in bed with a girl older than me, it was a disaster.

What happened?

We had been sexting for a bit and were both excited. The day we finally set to have sex, we decided to go out first, just to tease each other a bit. By the time we got to her hostel, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

When it was time to have sex, and we were both undressed, she looked at me and laughed. This babe laughed so much, I was completely embarrassed.

Why was she laughing?

She eventually said, “Is this what you want to put inside me?” as she gathered her clothes and began to put them back on. I’ll never forget that.

That sounds horrible.

Nah, it was more than horrible. I had never thought of myself as having a small penis. It wasn’t even in my vocabulary. And because I didn’t watch a lot porn that involved men — I watch a lot of lesbian porn — I had never fixated on a man’s penis.

I didn’t know what was supposed to be big and what was supposed to be small. Even after this incident, I kept thinking that she was being very subjective, so even though it dented my pride, I still forged on.

What did you do next?

When I started university, I got into a relationship and we started having sex regularly. I enjoyed the sex most of the time. I thought with all my heart that she was enjoying the sex too.

The way she moaned and screamed when we were having sex made me believe I was doing something right. We broke up when I was in my second year. Our breakup wasn’t even sex-related.

A few months later, we got into a post-breakup fight, and she insulted my penis out of spite. One very strong Yoruba insult that I can’t remember. I later found out that while we were dating, she was sleeping with other men to satisfy her sexual desires because I couldn’t.

Wow. That’s sad.

I couldn’t date or have sex with anyone after that experience. One time I tried and my penis wouldn’t even stand. I just gave up and went back to masturbating.

Sometimes I stand in the mirror and I’m like, “But it’s not even that small.” Really, I’ve seen smaller ones in porn. During university, I wanted to explore creams, but I was scared of the side effects. I also couldn’t afford any of the supposedly ‘good’ ones I saw online.

What’s your sex life these days?

I’ve had a few good experiences since my ex and I broke up, but I’ve also had a few bad ones. There was a time I was talking to a babe and thought that we could eventually date. She wasn’t in Nigeria, so she used to send me nudes a lot.

She never asked me to send her nudes though. I eventually asked if I could send her nudes and she said ok. I did it because I wanted to be upfront about what she was getting into. When I sent it to her, using the best angles ever, she sent me really positive feedback. I thought we were cool. A few days later, she blocked me everywhere.

Another time, I was in bed with a babe, we had just had sex. She seemed to have enjoyed it. Then she started playing with my penis and talking to herself, she said, “It’s so small, it can’t even make me gag.” She was joking — her tone was playful — but we never saw each other again.

What about the good experiences?

I’ve started learning other ways to please women. Other positions that work to my benefit. And I want to believe my stroke game is fire. I think I’ve pleased a bunch of different women, but I can’t trust them. They’ll be moaning like they’re enjoying themselves, only for them to go behind my back and insult me.

Right now, I sleep with the same set of women. I’m afraid to meet women who don’t already know my penis size or my insecurities. An ideal world would be me dating and getting married to someone who’s understanding and kind.

An ideal world would also be getting enough money to afford a penis enlargement surgery because I do really want to do that. God knows that if my penis is bigger, I’m going to become a nude model. I’ll just get in shape and become a nude model. Maybe even a pornstar. Hopefully, one of the babes who made fun of my dick would see me and come correct.

Haha. So how would you rate your sex life?

5 over 10. Just because I’m not exploring. My sex life is not exciting. This small penis is really holding my destiny back. Because if not, I would have been an ashewo.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 32-year-old gay man who stopped keeping track of his body count once it crossed 300. He talks about his inability to sleep with anyone more than once and how this has affected his love life.

What was your first sexual experience?

My first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. I was six when my uncle who came to live with us started molesting me. He swore he would kill me and my entire family if I ever told anyone. This continued for three more years until he moved out.

Then when I was 12, my best friend’s house girl began molesting both of us. She would make one of us touch her and tell the other person to kiss her. This lasted for about two years before his family left Lagos.

I’m so sorry. What was your first consensual experience?

It was actually with my best friend. We used to make out and dry hump each other when I was 11. That’s why his housegirl started molesting us. She caught us kissing and threatened to report to our parents if we didn’t do what she said.

My best friend and I never kissed again.

Damn. What happened after he moved?

I’m pretty sure I made out with every single boy on my street. Whenever someone suggested that we play “Hide and Seek”, I knew they wanted to kiss me. We would look for a place to hide and make out until we heard footsteps. It was a lot of fun.

How did you know you were into boys?

This might sound ridiculous, but I kind of always knew. I made out with my fair share of girls while growing up, but I never felt anything. I had my first-ever crush on a boy in Primary 1.

I even remember begging my parents to send me to an all-boys boarding school because of all the gist I used to hear, but they refused. I know I would have been the school whore if they had agreed.

LMAO. So, when did you have sex for the first time?

I was 16. It was with a guy I had been chatting with on Facebook for months. He was really good-looking, and I was convinced I was in love with him. He lived in a different city, but after a lot of begging, he came down to Lagos to see me.

How was the sex?

It wasn’t great. Neither of us knew what we were doing. Right after we finished, I wanted him to leave. I figured my sudden disgust was because of how forgettable the sex turned out to be.

Immediately he left, I blocked him everywhere.

Oh wow. What happened next?

I went back on Facebook to find another guy. This time, I found someone who lived in Lagos. After a few weeks of chatting, we met up and had sex. The sex was a lot better this time, but immediately I came, I felt the same level of disgust I did with the first guy.

Ah. How many more times did this happen?

Let’s just say by the time I turned 20, I had slept with about 40 guys. It was the same issue with every single one of them: I would be into them during the talking stage, but once we had sex, their presence would begin to repulse me.

Omo. So, you’ve never tried sleeping with an old fling before?

It’s like you’re not understanding me. Once I’ve slept with someone, my penis will REFUSE to get hard for them ever again. I’ve tried multiple times, but it doesn’t work. My brain can no longer see them as attractive.

Why do you think this happens?

I have no idea. My friends think I do it so I can brag, but I swear, I don’t. I wish my brain reacted differently to sex. I’ve had to free so many amazing guys because my attraction disappeared right after we fucked. Does that sound like fun?

Not at all. So, how has this affected your dating life?

I’ve stopped trying to date, but it used to be tough. Whenever I met a guy I liked, I would try to avoid having sex for as long as possible. Even when I tried to explain my condition to them, they would assume it was bants.

I’ve only ever had one proper relationship, and it only lasted as long as it did because the guy is a “side” — a gay man who isn’t into any form of anal sex. So, we never had penetrative sex, and I never had to worry about getting repulsed by him.

What did you guys do?

Everything else. Making out, oral sex, hand jobs and eating ass.

How long did the relationship last?

A little over a year. He was also cool with me sleeping with other men. I think he didn’t care because he knew I’d never want to see them after we were done, so he had nothing to worry about.

Oh? Then why did it end?

He had to leave the country, and we both agreed that long-distance never works.

What’s your sex life like these days?

It’s still active, but I’ve stopped keeping track of the number of people I’ve slept with. I stopped counting at around 300 because I started feeling a bit gross. If you tell me it has now passed 600, I wouldn’t even be a little surprised.

Do you remember all the people you’ve slept with?

My brain doesn’t, but I think my penis does. I remember seeing a really handsome guy at a wedding. He was totally my type, but I wasn’t attracted to him at all. We later bumped into each other, and he reminded me that we’d hooked up some years back.

Wow. So, how do you approach sex now?

These days, I just want to fuck without talking too much. I don’t see the point in getting to know anything tangible about the person when I will lose interest right after sex. That seems like a waste of both our times.

Is it hard to find men who feel the same way?

Have you met men? On any gay dating app, you’ll find plenty looking for meaningless sex too. Those are the ones I like. When a guy starts asking me unnecessary questions like my name or occupation, I block him. No time. I’m not there for a job interview.

LMAO. Wow. So, this isn’t something you’re interested in fixing?

I don’t think it’s fixable. I’ve come to accept that my wires are crossed.

Have you considered therapy?

I already know what the therapist will say. They will blame it on what happened to me as a kid, but how is that helpful? Will they go back in time and stop my uncle and that house girl from molesting me? Nope. So, why should I waste my money?

I think it could help in other ways.

Let’s just free that one, abeg.

All right. How often would you say you have sex now?

I sleep with at least two new people every week. I’m always looking for someone new on one app or the other. That can be a little hard sometimes because I’ve slept with and blocked most of the men on there.

Wait. Do you actually enjoy all the sex you have?

Not always, but for the most part, it ranges from good to great. Sometimes, I hook up with a guy that knows his work, and I immediately become sad because I know I won’t be able to fuck him again.

Are these encounters safe?

I use condoms about 95% of the time. I also get tested every three months. The last time I checked, I’m still STD free. I won’t lie, condom sex isn’t as sweet, but since I can’t have a steady partner, I don’t have much of a choice.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it a 0. I’m having a lot of great sex, but I feel like a prisoner to my own desires. Thankfully, I noticed that my sex drive has been reducing with age, so I’m hoping it will continue until I no longer crave sex.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who was celibate until she got married. She talks about enjoying sex with her husband until she discovered she was pregnant.

What was your first sexual experience?

My first sexual experience was not consensual. An uncle who lived with my family raped me when I was a teenager. I had just returned from school and none of the adults were back from work. I hadn’t even started menstruating yet.

It was a violent experience that I was going to hide from my parents. My grandmother observed that something was wrong with me and asked my parents to prod. That was how I told them what happened. They got really livid and invited the police to arrest him.

My parents were going to press charges, but it never got to court. I can’t remember the details, but it seemed that either some distant family members or the police decided it was best to bury the matter. The uncle never lived with us again though.

I’m so sorry. Did you receive any kind of support after this happened?

Yes. My parents are nurses, so they were kind of aware of the kind of support I needed. Although, It wasn’t full-on support because they were also ashamed of the whole situation and wanted to bury it. So, apart from sexual health support, my parents sent me to a purity camp that their church organised.

What was that like?

It wasn’t that bad. The camp had its issues in the kind of message it preached: girls were to save themselves for marriage only for the benefit of boys. They told us that abuse wasn’t our fault, but that we also needed to be careful about what we wore. They also told us oral sex was a sin.

I would have swallowed all of these if it wasn’t for the friends I met who were opinionated and asked our tutors questions that left them stammering. The good thing is the friends I made are still my best friends today. It was through them I was able to form my own opinions about sex.

What were your opinions?

That I hadn’t sinned because I was raped. That it wasn’t my fault I was raped. That saving yourself for marriage is not for the benefit of a man. And a bunch of other things. It all sounds simple, but it was actually hard to reach these opinions. I was doing a lot of reading and studying of religious texts. I was also trying to remove the stigma and shame I felt anytime I thought about being raped.

How did these affect your sex life?

I decided to abstain from fornication and save myself for marriage. So, while I made out with people I dated, I didn’t have sex with anyone until I got married.

When did you get married?

About a year after university. I got married to my longtime boyfriend. We started dating sometime in university. We always knew we were going to get married. We were both celibate.

How did you deal with being in a longterm relationship and not having any kind of sex?

It was very hard, but we tried. We hardly spent time together alone in private spaces. If we had to, we always had some kind of third wheel with us.

So what was married sex like?

Even though I had been reading about sex since I was a teenager and was kinda ready to have it, I was still pleasantly surprised. My biggest shock was that it wasn’t painful. I can never forget the pain of being raped as a teen. That pain was in my head when we started having sex.

The first time was actually bad. We weren’t lubricated enough, so we just got frustrated and went to bed.

Then there was the problem of not knowing what worked for the other. There’s a bit of beauty and frustration in discovering someone’s body for the first time, and that was pretty much what it was like for us in the first few months. We got to discover the power of my clitoris only after a month of being married. We were having sex quite regularly, but half the time, it was rubbish.

Once we got the hang of each other’s bodies and understood what worked and didn’t work, it was amazing from there. And we explored too, as long as it was not against our beliefs.

What do you mean?

It’s hard to find useful information or tips to make our sex lives as Christians more interesting, so my husband and I had to come up with our own idea of fun and exciting.

We once went on a vacation outside the country and had sex in a public space — not public, like market or road. Forest public. We did a lot of that since we both find it exhilarating. Sex in the car, sex in water, at the office, etc. We sometimes role-played. We were very big on finding new sexual positions and made a game out of it.

You use the past tense to describe your sex life. What’s it like these days?

When we got married, we never planned to have children. Not until my early 30s at least. But somehow, we got pregnant and didn’t know until I was five months in. If I had known earlier, I probably would have gotten an abortion.

Having a baby was going to ruin my career and other parts of my life. I got married early, so I really wanted to be very independent and build most of my career before I turned 30. Interestingly, I didn’t even consider that having a baby would mess up my sex life. It did.

How?

I started hating sex around the time I was 8 months along. My husband tried everything he could, but I just found the thought of sex quite repulsive. But before this time, we were still really enjoying sex and with my pregnancy, the number of times I could orgasm in one round was anything from one to four. There was no time I had sex that I didn’t orgasm. I was also really energetic and was having sex a lot.

Then all of a sudden, there was nothing. I wasn’t responding to my husband’s touch or even trying to initiate sex. We decided it’ll pass after the baby came. It didn’t. At first my husband was very patient, and I was very worried. Then he became frustrated and I became indifferent. He wanted me to go to the hospital and I really didn’t want to because what exactly would I say? I had been googling it and most of the stuff I read said it was perfectly normal.

So you’ve not spoken to a professional about it?

Well, I did, very reluctantly, recently — that’s practically 9 months after giving birth. The first doctor I saw told me to give it time. He even laughed it off as stress. I saw a couple of different doctors that said something similar. Then my husband said we should see another doctor in a different hospital. A woman.

First thing she told me was that I’m not crazy, that a lot of women experience this low sex drive after or during pregnancy, after menopause, etc. She prescribed drugs that didn’t really work, then referred me to a therapist who suggested I might have something called hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

So it’s basically a disorder where you don’t feel motivated to have or initiate sex. In some cases, you might lose all sexual attraction to your partner. She says it might have been triggered by pregnancy and childbirth, but that she also believes being raped when I was young has a connection.

What are your symptoms?

In my case, I just don’t want to have sex, it’s repulsive. Anytime I have sex, I’ll just be counting down. I actually once told my husband to go and have sex with someone else out of annoyance. I didn’t care.

Wow.

The therapist prescribed some therapy exercises, like us just spending really physical and intimate time together without having sex. We’re currently trying them, but it’s too early to say if it has solved anything.

She said if this doesn’t work, we’ll consider options. I’ve been reading obsessively about the condition online and asking ‘why me’ — after going most of my life without sex, this happens? Anyhow, in all, we thank God.

So how would you rate your sex life?

Maybe 7/10 because when I was having sex, it was lit. I’m just praying that this problem is resolved.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 22-year-old heterosexual woman who not only has vaginismus, a condition that makes her vagina impenetrable, but also recently realised she is demisexual — unable to feel sexual attraction without a strong emotional bond.

What was your first sexual experience?

My first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. I was assaulted by my gateman when I was six.

I’m so sorry. What was your first consensual experience?

I know this is going to sound super corny, but my first consensual experience happened on Valentine’s Day when I was 16. It was a kiss, and it was with my boyfriend of two years.

Two years? Why did you guys wait so long for the first kiss?

It was a long-distance relationship. We were in different schools and started dating when I was 14. I really liked him, and I remember wanting our first kiss to be special. In my head, that meant waiting until the most romantic day of the year to do it.

LMAO. Was it, at least, a good kiss?

It was nice for me because it was with someone I really liked, but, according to him, it was an objectively terrible kiss. I was nervous, so I kept hitting his head and biting him. Still, I liked who it was with.

Did it ever go beyond kissing?

We dated for two more years, but the furthest we ever went was him touching my boobs whenever we made out. It never even crossed my mind for us to do more than that, and he never brought it up.

Why did the relationship end?

He was cheating on me, but I don’t really blame him. I mean, I wasn’t fulfilling him sexually, so it makes sense. I just wish he had actually told me instead of having to hear gist from other people. He was my first love, so it really hurt.

I’m sorry. What happened after him?

I got a new boyfriend in university. I didn’t love him, and I wasn’t that attracted to him, but he was okay. I hadn’t gotten over my ex at the time, though it was nice having someone to kiss on the staircase.

Just kissing?

Yeah. I didn’t even let him touch my boobs. He would always try to talk to me about porn and masturbation, but I would always shut it down. I wasn’t interested in having that conversation with him. We broke up after five months.

So, you weren’t interested in doing more than kissing?

I wasn’t. I was 20 at the time and dry humping was the height of my sexual curiosity. For the longest time, I was waiting until marriage, but I later decided that I would be open to doing more when I finally found someone I really connected with.

Why was that connection so important to you?

I found out I was demisexual while reading one of your Sex Life stories. I related to everything the guy was saying in the article. I can never fantasise about having sex with a stranger, no matter how good they look.

All I want to do is strike up a conversation. I need to connect intimately before I can even want to kiss someone. If not, I might as well be kissing a piece of cardboard. That’s why I hate playing ‘Truth or Dare’ at parties.

Fair enough. So, did you find someone you connected with?

Not at first. I have a lot of failed “talking stages” under my belt because once sex comes up, I immediately disengage. I was looking for something deeper, but guys weren’t hearing that one.

I tried dating one of my friends in my final year, but immediately he learnt that I wasn’t interested in sex, he shut me out. I didn’t get the memo that guys were just looking for who to press before graduating.

He would get so frustrated whenever we made out and I didn’t do more. I remember feeling his erection through his trousers, but I had no idea what to do with it. I had never even seen a penis in person before. He later dumped me over WhatsApp.

Damn. So, when did you meet the guy you finally connected with?

After I graduated, I met a guy on Twitter and we connected instantly. That was the second person I fell in love with. We were in different countries at the time, but we would talk every day for hours on end.

I think it’s why I like long-distance relationships so much. They really give you the chance to connect without sex getting in the way. When we finally met in person, the sexual experience was fantastic because we had emotionally bonded.

It was the first time I got head and gave head. I didn’t even know I could be that sexual.

Did penetrative sex ever come up?

It did, but he already knew my history. He knew I had never been fingered or even masturbated. So, we decided to have the conversation again in a year, but we broke up before we got the chance to. I guess he just couldn’t wait that long.

You’ve never masturbated?

Never. Everyone has told me to try it, but I literally can’t. Whenever anything tries to go in my vagina, I feel physically ill. It wasn’t until I watched Sex Education on Netflix that I realised I have vaginismus.

I remember trying to put in a tampon for the first time in February and it didn’t work. So, I asked my friends to hold me down and try, but I started having spasms, headaches and chills.

So, yeah, my sex life is currently non-existent. Until I can figure out how to treat the condition, I’m no longer giving men my number. There’s no point, and I’m not interested in explaining to anyone why I can’t sleep with them. It’s draining.

Have you been able to talk to a doctor?

Not yet. I’m still dependent on my parents, so I need to move out first and get my own money. I know that if I ask my parents to help, I’ll have to start explaining my sexual history. I don’t want to have to do that.

That must be frustrating.

It is. All I want right now is intimacy without sex, but it seems like I’m asking for too much. Even my aunty called me a tease when I told her about my situation, and that hurt my feelings. So, I’m no longer engaging with men until further notice.

Have you tried therapy?

I’ve considered it, but I’m really scared of unpacking everything that’s going on with me. I’m scared of what I’ll find when I finally open that box. My friend even offered to pay, but I’m just not ready.

How do you feel about sex at this point in your life?

I don’t care much for it. Since a lot of sex is centred around penetration, it just doesn’t interest me. Oral sex is the only kind of sex I like, but it has to be with someone I have a strong emotional connection with.

I started watching porn this year, but I can only watch the ones with people having oral sex. That being said, I don’t think about sex much. Sure, I worry that I might never have it because of the way I am, but it is what it is.

Wait. Why only oral sex porn?

Even when it’s happening to someone else, penetration just looks painful. The sounds women make when they’re getting penetrated play like a cry for help in my head, so, no, I can’t watch that and get turned on.

Fair enough. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it a -100. I’m hoping that when I get help and find someone on the same page as me emotionally, it might move up to a -99 and keep climbing from there. I know this will take a lot of time, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone patient enough for all that.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 38-year-old bisexual woman who has been married for 12 years. In today’s Sex Life, she talks about how she thought something was wrong with her because she couldn’t orgasm, and how that eventually changed.

When was your first sexual experience?

I was 12 and it was with my cousin. We stole a kiss when we were alone in a room at a family event and then got caught by an older cousin who made a fuss of it and threatened to report. She blackmailed me all the time about it. Not sure if she even blackmailed my other cousin. Anyway, she never reported, but that event scarred me. Even talking about it is a bit scary now.

What happened after?

Actually nothing very eventful happened. Maybe because I was scared to make out with anyone, I don’t know. I didn’t even try to kiss anyone — related to me or otherwise — until university, and even that was uneventful.

In university, I was around people who knew a lot about sex or rather had a lot to say about it to anyone who was listening: my roommates. I had not had sex and wasn’t planning to, but I was curious about the craze with sex. My curiosity went as far as listening to them talk about it, and typically, they would talk about what the male partner was doing, never really about the woman’s response or part in it. I didn’t think much of it then until I started having sex myself.

When did you start having sex?

So my roommates thought I was naive since I didn’t partake in their conversations about sex and didn’t have any experience. One of my roommates was determined to change that and invited me to hangout with her boyfriend and his friend. I told her I wasn’t going to have sex with him, but I could talk to him and see if we were compatible. She said okay. When we got there, the guy flat out refused to have sex with me because he said I wasn’t his type. He was actually telling them in Yoruba because he thought I wouldn’t understand. I didn’t feel bad because it wasn’t like I had planned to have sex with him either. We hung out together for a few hours, after which the guy said he wanted to leave. When he left, I told my roommate we had better get going to the campus. She said that she couldn’t leave without having sex with her boyfriend. She didn’t even ask me to excuse them and neither did he. So I just sat in the corner watching them until her boyfriend asked me to join them. I was like what? My roommate also gestured for me to join them. I tried to say no, but I really wanted to, so I joined them and that was the first time I had sex.

Wow.

Yes. Who would have thought the first time I had sex would be a threesome? Certainly not me.

What was the experience like?

It was really good. I didn’t orgasm, but it was good. I was freaked out by the entire experience, but in a good way. It was also the moment I started suspecting I was into women as much as I was into men, because I really enjoyed making out with my roommate as much as I did her boyfriend. I had never felt anything like that before. I had a crush on her the entire year afterwards but couldn’t tell her because I didn’t know what to do with the emotions. I only got over it after I moved out.

Did you have more sex in the time?

Nah. I didn’t even try. It actually felt like except someone dragged me to have sex, I won’t make the first move. Maybe I was just lazy sha. It was when I finally got out of university and started dating that sex became a steady feature of my life. But half the time, I was asking myself, what’s the point of this sex we’re having?

Why were you asking that?

I just couldn’t orgasm when having sex. I initially thought it was about the person I was with, and that it would get better if I slept with someone else. It didn’t. I cheated on that boyfriend with someone else who eventually became my husband. I was way more attracted to him than I was to my boyfriend at the time, so I just expected it to be better. While the sex in itself wasn’t bad, I didn’t have orgasms.

At this point, I told myself that I was the problem and gave up trying. By the time I broke up with that boyfriend and started dating my husband, I was happy to have sex because I enjoy the act of giving during the sex, but that was all for me.

Did your boyfriend know about your difficulties during orgasm?

Actually, not while we were dating because like I said, I thought something was wrong with me. He’d try his best to please me sexually, and I would pretend to come when I wasn’t. And he’d be so pleased with himself after. I couldn’t bring myself to break it to him. No one really understands that you can enjoy the sex without orgasming — even though the orgasm is a big part of the enjoyment.

Right, so when did you eventually tell him?

Welp. A few years into our marriage. I think we were having a conversation and gutting our hearts about secrets and feelings we hadn’t ever told each other. They were not serious secrets, like say him admitting that he often farted anywhere and in public spaces. The big secret was the no orgasm confession, and my husband took it seriously. He wanted to improve my experience of sex. He tried literally everything and suggested I take up masturbation, which I had never done. I used to think it was a dirty, disgusting thing only men did. I took up masturbation and that worked out very well. I got my first orgasm on my first try, within moments. It was explosive, like I had been holding back years of orgasm in. Omo after this, my husband became twice as determined.

What did he do?

He bought me more sex toys — at some point, it felt like for any event I was celebrating, he was going to get me a brand new sex toy. We became more open about sex than we ever had been. I thought I was a good giver during sex, but it turned out that there were things he didn’t like me doing and never said anything about. Then we started to experiment. I told him about my threesome experience years ago, and we decided to invite someone we trusted to have a threesome with us. I won’t lie that I wasn’t scared that my husband would fall in love with her and leave me. My husband too was scared that I’d leave him for her. Luckily, we had gotten to the point where we could share our insecurities with each other. The threesome was amazing because this woman made me orgasm.

What did your husband think?

My husband was just like, at this point, na me dey do nonsense. I don’t even know what he did differently, but soon, it became easy for me to orgasm. I think he unlocked my g-spots and soon, I realised that I was a squirter. It’s like I started discovering my body in my 30s.

Sweet. So what’s your Sex Life like these days?

We’re not experimenting as much, but it’s still really good. We try to do something new regularly, and some of them fail woefully while some don’t. I’m actually glad we are way past trying to make me orgasm. It was an intense period. But I’m glad the period opened us up and showed us how compatible we truly are. It’s not like I orgasm every time I have sex oh, but at least, I do orgasm at least 70% of the time. I’m glad I have a husband that prioritises my sex experience.

How would you rate your Sex Life?

10/10 of course. Even when I wasn’t orgasming, it wasn’t like I was having bad sex.

What was your first sexual experience?

Why didn’t it last long?

No. What?

Jesus Christ.

How did that affect you in the long term?

Till today? How so?

I’m so sorry about that.

How’s your sex life now?

Do you still hook up with cis people?

Fair. When did you realise you were pansexual?

Why did you wait till then?

What about relationships?

Hian.

Tell me about that.

What happened then?

Wow. Have you dated anyone since then?

Oh?

What’s that?

That’s amazing.

That makes sense, How did that affect your relationships moving forward?

Excuse me?

He deserved it, please.

LMAO. I agree.

True. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

When did you have sex for the first time?

How so?

Did she feel the same way?

What do you mean?

What happened next?

How much older?

How old were you then?

Did your now wife know about it?

How long did you date for?

Was there any reason for this?

Wow. Interesting.

Did the age difference come up at any point?

So what is married sex like?

Why were you afraid of that?

What kind of experiments?

How so?

Why did you think you could never be into men?

Oh okay. What did she say about your crush?

Oh wow.

How did that go?

So how would you rate your sex life?

Do you love your boyfriend in the same way you love your wife?

What was your first sexual experience?

Did you enjoy it?

Like, ever or just from masturbating?

Oh damn. Have you been intimate with other people?

What happened after you got bored?

Do you generally enjoy sexting?

Interesting. What about sex?

Why do you think so?

You make porn? What kind?

Oh wow. How did you discover that was a thing?

What was the response like?

Ehn? Yahoo boys?

LMAO. Wow.

So, when did you find a real person?

When did you find proper customers?

What kind of props did you invest in?

You could say you’re launching a TikTok career.

Are your clients Nigerians?

LMAO. Don’t worry, I’m not offended. So, where are your clients from?

Do you mind sharing how much you charge and for what?

So, what’s your financial goal long-term?

How much work is all of this?

What bad parts?

That’s messed up. Has this affected your sex life?

Wait. Did the breakup have anything to do with your work?

LMAO. Na wa. What about dominating men? When did you realise you liked that?

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Do you have any intention of having penetrative sex?

When was your first sexual experience?

You had never done anything sexually before this?

What was the experience like?

What happened after making out?

How did that work out?

Welp. What happened next?