The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old woman who loves giving blowjobs. She talks about her curiosity about what made men tick, not enjoying sex because she couldn’t tell them what made her tick, finding her voice and how it helped her prioritise her sexual health. 

Tell me about your first sexual experience

I was 18, and it was with a secondary school crush of mine. I went over to his house to chill, we started making out, I don’t know what initiated it, but I do know I wanted to give him a blowjob. I had never given one before. All I knew about it, I learned from porn. But that didn’t stop me from trying. He kept complimenting me on how good it was and for not using teeth. He also returned the favour by giving me head; a win-win situation. The only downside was having a sore throat days later. 

Penetrative sex happened a whole year later. I was in university at this time and in a relationship. It was easily the most disappointing experience of my entire life. I didn’t have high expectations of my first time, but I could still tell it could be better. At a point, I started asking myself if this was the sex everyone kept hyping up. I was thoroughly frustrated. 

Why do you think it was so bad? 

He was obsessed with porn, and it showed in the way he had sex. Everything was theatrical, and he wasn’t invested in things I liked. His only redeeming quality was his fingers. He was good with those, but he never fingered me long enough to make me cum because he didn’t care enough about my pleasure. After a couple of months, the relationship ended, and I continued looking for good sex. 

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How did that journey go? 

I ended up with partner number two, who I was head over heels in love with. Sex with him was better because it was different. Unlike the man before him who kept trying to perform, he was gentler. I tried to communicate the things I liked with him because I wanted to enjoy sex. He’d listen but never actually do anything about it. Eventually, he told me he had decided to revive his faith in God, and as such, we couldn’t have sex again. 

I went on to partner number 3, still at the age of 19, but something stuck with me. I found it almost impossible to tell any other partner what I liked during sex. Opening up to the last one about what I liked, and not having it implemented, made me not want to repeat it. I wasn’t talking to my partners about anything sex-related. I assumed that the same way society spoke about how much a woman should be able to please a man in bed, men were also expected to please their women. I was wrong, and I have the terrible sexual experiences to prove it. 

If the sex was so bad, why keep having it? 

Because I knew it could be better, and I was inquisitive. My parents never let me leave the house, so university was my one chance to act my age and explore everything I wanted to know. 

My curiosity, combined with my inability to speak up about what I liked during sex, led me into situations I shouldn’t have been in. 

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Explain, please

I’ve been curious about what makes men tick and what doesn’t, so I replicated many things I saw on the internet. Blowjobs seemed to be that thing. It also helped that I love the taste and feel of a dick in my mouth; like having a lollipop in my mouth. So, whenever I had sex with a man, a blowjob would come out of it. The only problem is that not all dicks should be in your mouth. 

There’s this thing I like to call “dirty dick smell”. It’s this odour that hits you when a dick is dirty. It’s very common when the penis has been cooking for a while. It’s just a mixture of sweat and dick and is very unappealing. 

The intelligent thing to do when you smell a dick like that is to ask them to take a shower or just outrightly refuse to blow them, but I didn’t want to humiliate them, so I’d put it in my mouth either way. The result? Days and days of battling an extremely sore throat. 

That’s something that particularly annoyed me about sex with men who never put in any effort. Because when it came to sex, I was researching how to arch correctly, trying to eliminate my gag reflex, being called the throat goat and giving sloppy top, but I couldn’t even get one orgasm out of it — risking my physical health for loads of mediocre sex. Sometimes, I wanted to bite down on the dick while it was in my mouth.

Did the blowjobs stop?

No. I enjoyed the power trip that came with giving blowjobs. It was a turn-on for me; I just had to make it more sanitary. When I eventually gathered the balls, I started asking men to take a shower before we had sex. Sometimes, they’d act embarrassed, but my health was more important. It was either that or nothing.

Finding my voice also stopped the sufferhead Olympics I engaged in regarding sex. Men would tell me they never had orgasms from oral sex, and I’d get on my knees because I felt like I had something to prove. No more. If you can’t get an orgasm through a blowjob, good luck to you and yours. 

I’m ashamed it was not something I started doing earlier, but I had finally had enough. Better late than never, right? 

Yeah, definitely. How did that go? 

I met someone. He’s my current boyfriend, and I almost ruined what we had because I never spoke up. After a while of having sex with men who never cared about my orgasm, it built resentment, and I carried that into our new relationship. I’m glad he is patient enough to help me figure it out. 

He asks me questions and is very intentional with foreplay and aftercare. Unlike my previous partners, he’s very open to having conversations with me about sex. 

How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

I’d give it a 7. I’m finally enjoying sex, but the sex is not as frequent as I’d like because it’s a long-distance relationship. 

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