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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old queer man who talks to us about his first orgy, meeting sex partners online, and his desire to sleep with a woman.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    When I was about 15, we had this family that lived next door and had two kids — a boy and a girl who were both a year ahead of me in school. My first few sexual experiences were with both of them.

    Both?

    LOL. It wasn’t at the same time, and they still don’t know that I’d done things with the other.

    So what happened with each of them?

    I was a horny teenager who thought they were hot. For the brother, we would give each other handjobs when we were alone watching TV. We watched TV alone many times.

    And the sis?

    With his sister, it started a little later. Our families were obsessed with this series called El Cuerpo del Deseo. Whenever it came on and any of us didn’t have light, we would either put on the generator in our house or my parents would just let us go to their house to watch it. This was usually when we would sneak out to go and make out.

    How long did this go on?

    It lasted for about a year until they both had to go to university. I was writing WAEC, but I was also still a horny 16-year-old so I joined this old social media app called 2go and started talking to people off the platform.

    2go had rooms where you could find people with similar interests, and there was this one I was in called “Naija Gay”. People would come on and drop information about themselves like “Onitsha, Bottom”, basically telling anyone who was around Onitsha and wanted to link with a bottom all they needed to know.

    For me, any budding conversation usually would end when they asked me to see them or to meet them somewhere because at this time, I had no money, and I wasn’t about to ask my mother for transport money to go and meet a stranger.

    Did you eventually meet someone there?

    I got a text from someone I had been chatting with saying he was at my junction and would like us to have sex at his friend’s house, which was close by.

    I’m not sure why, but I said yes. When we got to his friend’s house, he said he would top me and I could top his friend who was a bottom.

    How did it go?

    Oh, it was horrible. It was my first time, and he was so rough and hadn’t even tried to ease me into it. It was such a horrible experience. After we were done, I packed my things and left that place. I didn’t have sex for some time after that.

    Did this experience taint sex for you?

    Not at all. I didn’t have sex mostly because I got into the university and spent the first year living in the hostel. There was definitely no chance for any of that when I had roommates.

    In my second year, I moved off campus to an apartment by myself. I got back online, this time both on 2go and Facebook and started meeting some new people. I didn’t like a lot of the men I was meeting.

    Why not?

    I didn’t like the men because there were not particularly to my taste. Most were older and not particularly fine.

    You’re primarily attracted to men then?

    Yes. But to be fair, I am also attracted to women. I’ve had huge crushes on women and been very attracted to them as well. I lean more towards men, but gender is not the most important thing. I like a vibe.

    You were meeting men you didn’t like; when did you finally get to have sex?

    In my second year. I remember meeting this guy online who lived in one of the towns around my school, and I went to see him. He gave some excuse about why we couldn’t have sex in his house and took me to one valley.

    Valley? And you went?

    Yes, I did. We had sex in the open there. I topped him.

    How was that?

    It wasn’t bad. I’m open to trying things. Well, except BDSM. I think I’m too kind for that.

    But one of the exciting things I’ve tried was an orgy. I’ve been to three orgies, but the first one was the most memorable.

    How did that happen?

    So this was post-university. I was working on Christmas day and talking to this guy I met on a dating app. He asked if I wanted to be in an orgy. I’ll admit I didn’t immediately know what he was talking about. I thought he had asked me if I wanted “oji”, which is igbo for kolanut. I was very confused, but then I thought harder and it hit me. I told him sure. I mean, why not. 

    Before then, I considered myself someone who didn’t do too much — the most I’d done were threesomes. I went there straight from work. In the house, I found six other men naked smoking and drinking. When they tried to offer me drinks and things to smoke, I told them I didn’t indulge and they laughed at me asking “How you wan take do this thing now?” I was like, “God will provide”.

    The orgy lasted for hours, and it was so good. We each got turns with other people. It was so good that one of the men asked me to marry him that day. This was a gathering where we didn’t know each other’s names, but this man went on to get my number and pester me for almost three years.

    Oh wow. Are there any things you are looking forward to trying?

    I feel like I would like to have sex with a woman. But there’s a lot of politics playing out in my head. I worry about doing it and realising it’s not something I’m into and then it feels like I’ve wasted someone’s time or maybe it’s a case of internalised homophobia — which I don’t think I have.

    How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d rate it a 10. I’m not having sex every day or anything, but I’m having sex when I want to have it. I have a couple of people that I’ve met through the internet and I can call them up whenever I feel like it, and that’s great for me.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old heterosexual man who talks about getting into sex through porn, attending sex parties, learning to please his partners, and the time he slept with a man to experience a sexual awakening.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was 13. It was with a 16-year-old girl I knew at the time.

    I had told her I was ready to have sex because I had watched a ton of porn that I got from the older people around me at the time. I was quiet and curious so they didn’t hide too much around me. I had also read many porn magazines and was genuinely fascinated by sex and thought that these images and videos were all I’d need to get the deed done. Boy, was I wrong.

    The entire time I didn’t know what to do with my hands, or how the vagina worked, or even where to put my penis. I was clueless and strong-headed so even when she tried to show me things, I didn’t listen because I didn’t want to seem like I was new at it.

    That was quite early. Did you try again?

    Yes. For that, we’ll fast forward to age 15. There was this girl who was the first and only crush I’ve had. She was somewhere between 18 and 21. Following the disaster at 13, I tried to do a bit more research. I finally knew where my penis was supposed to go, and well, I put it there several times like I’d seen it done in porn. It was still very bad.

    When I asked how it was, she said it wasn’t bad, but I thought she was patronising. I felt this strong urge to get better and prove myself to her.

    Did you get to?

    We tried again when I was 21. I had had sex with a lot of other people but I look back at the sex I was having then, and it was all so bad.

    She was abroad, came into town and told me she wanted us to hang out. We got talking and decided to have sex again. And it was bad, again.

    How come?

    There wasn’t any communication about what we wanted, especially for her. Not before, not during. We didn’t say what we liked or didn’t like. We just had sex and moved it along. This is why I insist it was bad. It was the same going in and getting out that I had been doing with the other people I was having sex with, but this one sat with me because I really liked this woman.

    I was able to pick up on a couple of things that she responded to, but ultimately we could have had a much better experience if we had just communicated.

    So when would you say sex got better for you?

    I was 25 and my friend invited me to a sex party. I don’t have sex at these parties. I’m a voyeur, so I just sit, usually dressed in black with a glass of whiskey in my hand and watch them go at it.

    During this particular sex party, I was watching two people when this woman came, sat by me and we got talking. We were talking about people having sex and pointing out things. It was such a great conversation. I asked her why she wasn’t having sex like the others, and she said the room was too hot. In the end, we exchanged numbers and started texting. One day she just straight up asked me if I wanted to have sex. 

    Did you?

    Hell yeah. We already had great conversations. Sex was going to be a welcome addition. 

    We planned a weekend, and for me, it was the first time somebody tried to teach me how to please her. It changed many things for me.

    I knew people were different, but somehow I didn’t think to apply it to sex. She told me what she wanted me to do to her, where she wanted me to touch, how to respond to her touching me and also asked what I liked. I said, “Ah, anything,” and she laughed. It was at this point I figured I didn’t know what I liked.

    So she took it upon herself to try a few new things with me that have now become things I like.

    Care to run me through some of those things?

    I mean, why else are we here?

    First, she jerked me off. This one I was familiar with, but what was different was that she did it while maintaining eye contact with me. That thing fucked with my mind.

    Then, she touched herself while making me watch and maintaining eye contact. This, of course, played into something I already mentioned I enjoyed — voyeurism.

    When it came to sexual positions, she was very into missionary. People like to talk down on that position but those who know, know.

    She talked me through that as well. Told me when to go slow and I listened. Then at some point, when she had had her fill with that, she told me to do whatever I wanted, and it definitely felt different because when I did what she said and went slowly, she got wetter with every thrust so when I started going faster, it just felt so much better.

    This actually fits into the template of how I have sex now. Starting off slow, then building to a crescendo. But it also made me very curious about sex and getting better at it. Even more curious than I was when I was younger.

    How curious would you say you were?

    Extremely. I was always trying to understand sex. I remember finding a book that belonged to my aunty. It was a small book that had pictures of different sex positions. My aunty found me with it and quickly collected it. She asked me what I’d seen, and I told her it was people dancing. She explained that they were having sex but didn’t tell me much else.

    As I grew up and saw more things and more positions, it got into my head that sex, something I’d believed was one way, could be done in very many ways. And while I did build this curiosity, I wasn’t having good sex until I started listening to my partners.

    In your curiosity, what else have you given a try?

    Well, there’s sex with multiple people. I should just start by saying, I don’t like it. I will always prefer having sex with one person. Here’s why:

    The first time I had a threesome, it was with two women, and the entire time I felt like someone wasn’t getting enough attention. While I was having sex with one of them, it felt like the other was neglected. I got too in my head about it. They ended up making out with each other and I watched and jerked off to that.

    When I tried a threesome with a guy and a girl, I’d say that was way better. In this one, the girl was getting so much attention. That was great because by this time I had become very particular about pleasing my partners in sex.

    Anything else?

    I was part of a pretty spontaneous gangbang. There were a few of us in the living room. One of the guys was with a girl, and they went into the bedroom. Next thing, another guy went in. One other guy came into the house and noticed that some people had left. He said, “Oh, it’s started?” And took off his shirt as he walked towards the bedroom. 

    I joined them and it went great, but honestly, it just felt somehow.

    Another time, I tried sex with one of my gay friends. He’d told me he wanted us to have sex, and at this point, I’d read something about not being fully sexually awakened until you sleep with someone of the same sex. So I said yes.

    How did that go?

    I’ll tell you, it was great for him. It was actually pretty good for me as well. I’d done anal before with a woman, but I generally don’t like it because of all the ways it can go wrong if not done properly. After we were done, he asked me the million-dollar question, “Would you do this again?” I said no. It wasn’t for me.

    How would you rate your sex life?

    I’d rate it a 10. Since I started having sex with women with whom I have a deep connection, I have been having amazing sex. I currently have about eight partners. We aren’t in any relationships; we just have great conversations and sex. This might actually be the reason I’m single; I’m having a lot of really good sex now.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old woman who isn’t thrilled about tagging her sexuality. She talks about her attraction to women starting with Rihanna, how sleeping with friends can be more convenient and her experiences with heterosexual women.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    My first time having penetrative sex was very calculated. It was a month before I turned 18, and I’d been dating this guy for about a year. We’d done everything but have sex.

    We’d talked about having sex before then but I kept changing my mind until the day came and we were in front of each other and it felt like that scene in the movie where the two characters know what they’re there for but they still talk through it like “Oh, do you want to do this” “Are you ready”. That’s how it went.

    I didn’t have anything to compare it to but the sex wasn’t impressive. It didn’t help that we were both virgins and he had a huge penis. It wasn’t terrible but I didn’t cum. We kept having sex for about a year before we broke up.

    And did you figure it out eventually?

    Well, compared to the sex I’m having now, I look back and just want to vomit because what was I even doing then?

    Were you only attracted to men?

    Oh hell no. I already knew in secondary school that I was attracted to women, and I have Rihanna to thank for that.

    I’d heard a rumour that there were naked pictures of Rihanna online. Out of curiosity, when I went home, I picked up my cousin’s phone and searched the internet for these images. I legit couldn’t believe that people had naked pictures of themselves online.

    I found some of these rumoured pictures, and I swear I spent about an hour just staring at them. I remember that these pictures did something to me that I didn’t think they should have done. It was an awakening.

    My teenage version of porn became to look up pictures of female celebs. I started to notice girls and see them as pretty. It was one of those things I didn’t allow myself to think about but I definitely was crushing hard on so many girls and chucked it up to “she’s pretty”.

    Did anything change in that regard?

    Well, from secondary school till my first boyfriend in uni, I kept seeing men and convincing myself that girls were just “really cool”. But I noticed I would constantly develop tiny crushes on my friends’ girlfriends. It didn’t make sense, so I didn’t act on these crushes until the day my boyfriend told me “You know the way you talk about these your friends’ girlfriends is not normal right?” He didn’t even say it in a judgemental way. He was very encouraging when we talked about me exploring things with women but also made it clear he wasn’t sure how he felt about all of it. 

    Talking about it made it feel less taboo, but I was in the university and didn’t know any girls who liked girls or wanted to sleep with me. Most of the time I would only get chances to kiss girls during truth or dare games.

    Ah yes, the famous Truth or Dare. Did you continue trying to explore with women?

    Nothing really happened for me until I got drunk at a party and a girl there took advantage of me. I remember not being sober and failing at stopping any of the things she was trying to do. At some point, the room that had a few people when the party started was suddenly empty and I was alone with her.

    That sort of put a pause on me trying things with women for the rest of university.

    I’m so sorry. What came after uni?

    My relationship while I was in school lasted about 3 years, which felt quite long. When I came out of school, I wasn’t really interested in getting into another one; I just wanted to hook up with people. And I did, but mostly with guys because they are always readily available. But the best part was probably that they were mostly my friends.

    Did sleeping with friends start after you left uni?

    It actually started in uni. I had this friend who I hooked up with after breaking up with my first boyfriend — I’m not sure I can say he was a friend at first because we kissed the first time we met — but we never did anything while I was dating my boyfriend. After my breakup, I was vulnerable and he was there for me. So it was pretty simple: he liked me, I was heartbroken and looking to get laid, we hooked up. After the first time went well, we decided to keep doing it. It just became a thing.

    That sounds like a great arrangement.

    It was, then it spoiled. He started to want more because he actually liked me while I was still in that weird space where I didn’t want to do romance, I just wanted to have sex. That was the end of that.

    Because we live in a society obsessed with purity culture, it’s hard for me to just go to a stranger and say “hey let’s fuck” without the fear of being tagged a whore or — even worse — getting attacked by this stranger.

    With your friends, and friends of friends, it’s safer and a lot more convenient. Following that, it just made sense to sleep with my friends.

    So far you’ve slept with only friends?

    Well, the one time I met someone and we talked about having sex that first day, we actually did it two weeks after but now he’s one of my closest friends. 

    And the best part of these arrangements with friends is that they don’t have a specific stop date. I have some that have gone on for weeks and even months sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be a regular thing; you just know that if you guys are ever in the same city or are feeling up to it, you can hit each other up. Like leaving a bunch of doors open.

    I notice you only talk about male friends, does anything ever happen with your female friends?

    When it comes to women, I have only hooked up with strangers. I think there’s only been one time I hooked up with a female friend, and I just kept questioning the whole thing and whether she was actually really into it.

    I may be projecting because of all the many times I’ve met women who weren’t particularly bisexual or lesbian. They were just straight women having fun, and so while I would be there planning how we would probably hook up a second time, the babe is already over it. 

    There was this one time I went to a house party with this guy I was sleeping with and there was this other girl there and she was with another guy. At some point that night, after a lot of drinking, my head was between her thighs and a lot was happening. I remember we both came a few times. And then the next morning I woke up alone in a room in the house and that was the last I saw of that babe.

    Those are extraordinary doings. Would you say you prefer sex with men or women?

    I can’t answer accurately. I’ve mostly been sleeping with men lately so I may be biased in that regard. But then, there’s also an excitement that comes with hooking up with women that I do not feel with men.

    I mean, I will still enjoy sex with men but usually, I get there and I know this person, it’s familiar and we get to it. With women, it’s just more exciting. Like you’re on drugs.

    Okay so back to these friends, what would you say is the longest you’ve had a door open for?

    I’d say, my first boyfriend. We met when I was 17 and till now whenever we’re both single — I’m usually always single — and in the same city, we are likely to have sex.

    How would you rate your sex life now over 10?

    I’d rate it a 7/10, but it’s about to go up to a 9. I’m having a lot of sex with this male friend I have who is invested in helping me sleep with more people. He’s literally said that the next time we are out, we will be with his other friends who are lesbians and all I’d need to do would be point out who I liked and he would make it happen. So basically, my sex life is about to be very very interesting.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old bisexual woman who talks about deciding to have sex after a car accident, getting over sex guilt and how she started grading her male sexual partners.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    The first time I had penetrative sex was at university. I was in my third year, and I’d been dating this guy for about a year. He’d had sex before but we hadn’t. We just made out a lot.
    One day, on our way back from a party, the car’s brakes failed and we had an accident. It could have been really bad but luckily, we were fine. When we got back to school, I thought, “I could die anytime o”. So we had sex.

    “Tomorrow is not promised” nacks. I respect it. Wait, this was the same day as the accident?

    Yeah. We did it, and I didn’t really like it because I think I preferred making out more than the actual sex. It was a letdown.
    Also, I remember heading to my room and feeling like everyone was staring at me because I’d had sex. Which was silly. They were staring at me because I’d clearly just been in an accident.

    So how did it go with this boyfriend?

    We continued dating and having sex for another eight months before the relationship ended. He broke up with me because I was shit at sex — or because he wanted to cheat. I’m not sure which it was.

    I was very active in church, and so every time we had sex I would go to church for one meeting or the other and feel so guilty. One time I had these really bad cramps that sent me to the emergency room. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong even after an ultrasound, but it would get so bad that I couldn’t walk.

    I’d find out later that it was phantom pain and was in my mind but showing in my body. It was clear that only making out was the best thing for me at that time.

    Was that the end of sex for you?

    Well, there was the breakup, but before that, I got raped by the drama director at church. I was also getting a lot of attention I didn’t want.

    I remember telling my friend that it felt like everybody wanted to sleep with me, and that was so disconcerting. I would wonder if maybe there was a sign painted on my head. I got really depressed. 

    I’m so sorry about that. So when did the tables turn with sex?

    After I left university, I continued to have sex with other men I met and dated, but unfortunately, I had started confusing sex for affection. My heart got broken three times back to back. So I told myself I would stop dating.

    Then I met this guy on Twitter. We hit it off and decided to spend a weekend together. It was my first time packing a bag to stay over at a man’s place. 

    When we had sex, something changed that day. While the sex was good for me, it was great for him. He couldn’t stop talking about it even after the weekend was over. Being the person making him feel all that pleasure was amazing. At some point, I didn’t even mind not getting any pleasure. It was also the first time I was having sex without any phantom pain, or shame, afterwards.

    How did it go this time?

    We dated for about three years and we had sex a lot. We had this book that had different sexual positions — just like the Kamasutra. We were both committed to having the best sex. 

    It didn’t even matter where we had sex. One time we had sex in the rain, another time in his uncle’s house, then on his mother’s fridge in her kitchen, then his grandma’s house—

    Not grandma’s house.

    We had sex everywhere. And we never got caught. One time, at his mother’s house, there were a few of his friends and his mother’s friends in the living room having a discussion. We both went to the backyard to have sex.

    Ah. You said this ended after three years. What happened?

    I found out he had a girlfriend who was not in the country the entire time we were dating.

    But it didn’t end right after that. We kept having sex, feeling guilty about it, spending some time apart and repeating the process. During one of the times apart, I ran into him and we decided to go back to his house. There was some other babe in his house and three of us slept on the bed. At least I thought we were all sleeping. The two of them were busy having sex beside me. I woke up and asked what he was doing, and he kept lying. Eventually, he started apologising and kissing me and then we started making out. That’s how this other babe joined us and I had my first threesome. I liked it.

    He left the country after a while and that was the end of that.

    Wow. So what came next?

    I decided I wanted to get serious with adulting. I got a job, got into a committed relationship and did that for four years until it became abusive in the last year. We finally broke up before the lockdown. During the lockdown, I moved in with some friends; three women and five men in the same house.

    Were you having any sex?

    Zero. In fact, one of the guys in the house teased me about it and said I needed to have sex. I decided to have sex with him and asked some of our mutual friends if it was a good idea. One of them told me, “He fucks like a pornstar. Go for it and come back and gist me.”

    We all know men are cheap and so not long after, we had sex. The experience was a different thing entirely. I squirted for the first time. It was amazing. I’d had orgasms before but this was a discovery. He would talk to me during sex and ask me what I wanted him to do or try.

    Seems we all locked down differently.

    After a stint with this friend, I finally felt like I was in charge of my sexual journey. I went ahead to have sex with people I wanted and people that wanted to have sex with me. Some of these experiences were with women and some others with men.

    How would you say sex has been with this new crop of partners?

    Well, so far there have been five men and at some point, I started mentally grading them on different parts of sex. I made a list recently to show my friend the grades. I can show it to you.

    Yes, please.

    I remember asking a friend if she thought it was okay that I was comparing people based on their sexual abilities and she told me, “Nah, men do it too.”

    I wrote the list out to show her what I meant, and she said I wasn’t having enough sex.

    It’s so… detailed.

    Yeah, I just finished a project management course.

    Getting into the list, could you run me through some of these terms?

    Okay, here it goes:

    • Body play: Some partners don’t touch your body. They just see you as tits and ass, no kissing and touching your neck, thighs, arms, back, etc.
    • Cumming: Sometimes the way a person cums can make you cum, so this is important.
    • Safety: Can be anything from cutting their fingernails to whether or not they have condoms or if there are weird people in their house.
    • Positioning: Of all the styles, I really like doggy. Some partners just want to do missionary and be done with it or they put you in weird positions that hurt.
    • Reactions: It’s important that a partner is reacting well to the things being done to them. 

    A lot of the terms are self-explanatory though. Also, I never give an F. The worst is always an E, for effort.

    How would you rate your sex life now over 10?

    I’d rate it an 8/10. I’m having as much sex as I want when I want.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heterosexual woman who talks about being horny for the first time at 21, getting better at sex by having multiple partners, and how relocating to a new country made her celibate for 9 months. 

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was 21 and experiencing horniness for the first time in my life. Before then, people would talk about ovulation and how it made them super horny, and I couldn’t relate. But as soon as I turned 21, it hit me out of nowhere. I couldn’t sleep some nights. I would wake up, the AC would be on and I’d be sweating. I’d ask myself, “What is wrong with you? Why is your body hot because you want to fuck somebody?”

    Like actual heat?

    I swear, it wasn’t funny at all. Sha, there was a friend I had and he’d text me stuff like, “Come and sit on my face”. One day he got lucky. I was down bad, and he texted me. I told him to come over. I was tired of being horny.
    I started second-guessing at some point. But I told myself, “You said you’re going to do this, so if you have to get drunk, get drunk, but do it.” I was probably jittery because it was my first time.

    And how did this rendezvous go?

    To be honest, it was just there. I was happy I’d done it finally, but I expected a little more from the foreplay. It felt nice, but it was not mind-blowing. Overall, it was okay.

    Now that your first time was out of the way, what came next?

    For a while, I didn’t really like sex because I kept sleeping with that guy — he’s probably the person I’ve slept with the most in this life. But eventually, it got good. Like, really good. I’d be there thinking, “Ahn ahn, you’re really stepping up your game o.” I didn’t know what he was doing, I just noticed it was more enjoyable.
    Whenever we met, we had sex. I started wanting to see him more. 

    Was he your only partner?

    No oh. I was seeing other guys, sharpening my skills. 

    Things were smooth until the 2020 lockdown happened three years later. He didn’t live close, and I was living with my parents. There wasn’t a chance in hell that I could say I wanted to go stay at his place for a while or invite him to mine. So I started looking at someone else.

    A new person?

    No o. So there was this other guy I was friends with for the longest time. We were crazy attracted to each other, but we didn’t do or say anything about it. Then he moved back to Nigeria around 2018 and we got talking. After a year of “will they, won’t they…”

    They did?

    They did.

    *applauds*

    I used to have about four to five guys on my roster. But with the pandemic, it was just this guy I was attracted to left. We started dating a month into the lockdown.

    But, the pankere was still on, so how?

    To be honest I was very irresponsible. I knew there was a lockdown, but I still went outside.

    The best part was that my boyfriend didn’t live too far from me. I’d tell him I wanted to see him, next thing he’d pull up close to the house, and I’d tell them at home that I was going to buy indomie.

    But buying indomie takes—

    Three hours. It takes three hours.

    We were so attracted to each other, it was almost animalistic. Before we became official, there was a month we had sex every day. Sometimes two or three times in one day.

    Work rate >>>

    And this was pre-pandemic, so I was still seeing the other guys. I remember being so tired that I went to see one of the others, and I fell asleep when I was on top of him.

    LMAO. You did what?

    I was exhausted. At some point during the thing, I couldn’t even get my waist to cooperate. But I woke up the next morning and found that he had deposited me on the bed. Honestly, it wasn’t my best performance.

    I’m dying at how much that sounds like an appraisal.

    No, but for real. Wasn’t the best.

    So what happened with the boyfriend?

    Pandemic ended and so did our relationship. I planned to travel for school in early 2020, but I couldn’t until December. We didn’t think we could do long-distance so we broke up that month. 

    The second I landed in Germany, my involuntary celibacy started.

    Ahan, there were no hot Germans in your area? Tinder? Bumble?

    Me? Go out? No o. There were people but for the first four months or so, I was too busy trying to survive. I was a black person who didn’t speak German. Life came at me fast. Sex had never been less of a priority in my life.

    21-year-old you would be shocked.

    Lol, she should rest. I was trying to make sure I ate, please. For almost five months I didn’t even masturbate. Also, I was living with my brother, so I couldn’t have anybody come over. The one time a classmate came over and tried to hit on me, I shut it down quickly.

    Why?

    Caucasian men are fine o. These white boys can be beautiful. I’d go out and see them in ashewo shorts with their beautiful butts. They’re fine, but honestly, there’s no way to know if they’ve showered or brushed their teeth. Or if they’re racist.

    Yeah, you can’t do trial and error with that last one. What about the black men?

    I’ve met a few Nigerian men, but they’re always trying to talk about marriage immediately after meeting you. 

    But then there was this one guy I’d been talking to on Twitter since the pandemic. He was in Germany and helped me with information for my move to Germany. I started to see him differently the more we talked, and I told him I had a crush on him. But this was before my months of struggle, so nothing happened.
    Once I settled in, I hit him up again. I impulsively booked a hotel room in his city and told him I was coming… 

    Yes?

    Oh sorry, I had a flashback just now.

    God when?

    Honestly, I didn’t expect it to be so good because he’s such a reserved person. We ended up at his place because my hotel was a nonsense place, we spoke for a while, then he asked if we could make out. The rest is history.

    Congratulations on the termination of your celibacy.

    Thank you very much. After nine long months.

    Are there any plans to see this fellow again?

    Oh definitely. I like him and the sex is good.

    How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d rate it a 6 now because of the distance. That night with him was probably an 8/10, but he’s in a different city and I’m not seeing anybody else.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year old straight man who talks about his battle with his drug and sex addiction, having sex in the oddest of places, and his plans for his first serious committed relationship.

    Where was the first place you had sex?

    At the Redeem Camp, when I was 16. A bisexual girl had come to the teen church community to look for her partner, who was in the community I was leading. We looked for her partner together over the campgrounds but didn’t find her. 

    She pulled me to one dark corner and kissed me while I fingered her. Then she sat me down on a bench, unzipped my trousers, lifted her skirt and sat on my dick. It felt like heaven. We were interrupted by a group of three or four boys. She went over to them and kissed each of them, deeply. I was so confused. She gave me her phone number, which turned out to be fake. I was dismayed.

    LMAO. Redeem Camp though. That’s a weird place to have sex.

    That’s not even the weirdest place I’ve had sex. I once had sex in an uncompleted building. Unfortunately, a couple of area boys who came there to smoke extorted me when they caught us. 

    She later told me that she had seen them coming but she was enjoying the sex so much she didn’t want to tell me they were coming. And I’ve not even talked about the time I got caught by a man with a mental condition while having sex in a building.

    Wait. What?

    He ran into us having sex in an empty school building and began to cause a scene. He then demanded that I suck her breasts in his presence and was very persistent about it. I offered to give him money before he calmed down and left. It was very awkward but getting caught was very thrilling for both of us, even though we were scared.

    When I was in uni, my roommate suddenly became a pastor and stopped giving me privacy when I had women over. One time, he was banging the door while I was having sex and he came inside, despite me telling him that I was having sex. My woman said she was still horny, so we continued having sex with him right there, discreetly of course.

    Ah.

    I’ve had sex in the bathrooms of almost every popular Lagos restaurant I’ve been to, restaurants I probably shouldn’t name. I like having a quick fuck just after we’ve ordered our food. It gives my date an aura and her skin has this post-sex glow. You should try it sometime.

    I’ll think about it. Why are you having so much sex?

    I think I have a sex addiction. I guess it also helps that women always want to explore their sexuality with me. I offer casual, non-commital and great sex if I do say so myself. I used to be addicted to drugs. I always used pills, codeine and coke to the point where I couldn’t control myself. I hated myself during that period so I channelled a lot of that frustration into something I could control — sex. I have sex partners in every city I’ve been to.

    It’s not like I’ve not tried to control myself. During my service year, I decided to stay in the Christian corpers lodge to reduce the temptation of having sex but I still found a number of people in the lodge to sleep with.

    Sometimes, when I’ve not had sex at least three times a week, I start to feel very restless. I’d leave my office, take a walk on the road, meet someone and on many occasions, I’ve gotten to have sex with them that day.

    Interesting. Have you been in a committed relationship?

    I’m afraid of committed relationships. They’re a big headache and require too much work. I prefer to keep it casual. Still, I’ve casually dated many interesting women and I enjoy the rush of meeting different kinds of women. I’ve dated models, ex-strippers and very wealthy women, who are my spec. My current partner, with who I’m presently thinking of entering a committed relationship, earns almost as much as I do and that’s a major criterion for me in picking a partner.

    How’s that going?

    Amazingly. It’s amazing because we like similar things like BDSM. I’m planning on booking us a helicopter ride so we can enjoy views while I finger her. I’ll tell her to wear a short gown, no panties. Seriously though. I love her and I’m willing to make an effort into making us work.

    Wow. Tell us more about BDSM.

    I’m a big BDSM nut. I have a lot of BDSM equipment such as ball gags, kitten masks, studded leather chokers, paddles, whips, and handcuffs. I always restrain myself from buying more equipment before my room starts looking like Christian Grey’s. At least I get great reviews.

    What kind of reviews? 

    I know I’m a great lover. It helps that I have some lesbian and bisexual friends and lovers who show me how to properly listen to women’s bodies and please them.

    How do you handle sexual safety?

    I run full panel blood tests for STDs and STIs every month. I also ask my partners that I have sex with without condoms to run regular tests. I used to take antibiotics regularly but my doctor warned that it was bad and could cause health issues so I’ve stopped that.

    How would you rate your sex life?

    A strong 8. The partner I intend to date ticks a lot of boxes for me. We’re going to have a great time.

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 36-year-old man who has slept with almost 200 women. He talks about being discouraged from sex by his mother when he was young, discovering sex as an undergraduate abroad, and his efforts towards having more meaningful relationships.

    What was your first experience with sex?

    I first had sex when I went to the UK for university. My mother was very strict about sex. She always warned me that I must never be too close to women and must never even think about sex. She knocked the fear of sex into me. I didn’t interact much with girls in secondary school because of my mom’s warning.

    So your first time, tell me about it.

    I was 18 in London when a girl walked up to me, flirted and asked if I wanted to go to her apartment to “play video games.” I didn’t know she was flirting and wanted to have sex with me but I wasn’t interested in playing video games with her. It was until a year later, when we met again at a bar, that I realised that she really wanted to sleep with me.

    We went back to her apartment. I pretended like I was experienced and in control but inside, I was freaking out. Things were going smoothly until I didn’t know how to wear a condom. I somehow figured it out and we had sex for five minutes. I reached down to touch her vagina like I had read in books, and she was very wet. In my naive mind, I thought the condom had broken and that it was my sperm and when I told her that I think the condom had broken, she freaked out. When we realised that it was my mistake, she was still creeped out by the whole thing, realised I was a virgin and asked me to leave and blocked my number. I became so depressed.

    Did you try to have sex again?

    There was this time I was with a Chinese girl but we didn’t have sex because I couldn’t figure out how to put on a condom.

    Yikes.

    I was a JJC and didn’t know anything about sex, thanks to my upbringing.

    After this, I kinda spiralled. I’d go to a club, meet a girl, go home with her, have some bad sex, rinse and repeat. I was having sex with two or three new women a week. Before I knew it, my body count was almost 50.

    Omo.

    I realised I had to slow down.

    Why were you sleeping with so many new people?

    I felt like I had lost so much time being a virgin that I had to catch up. It was the thrill and excitement of it. But it was all physical. I never got into an emotional relationship with them. 

    I tried to enter a relationship and stop sleeping with so many new people. I started going on dates with people with a plan to settle down, but that didn’t help matters. We’d go have coffee or dinner and we’d somehow end up having sex that day and I’d lose interest in the person. 

    I thought the problem was that I was dating mostly white women or non-Nigerian black women and that if I moved back to Nigeria, I’d finally be able to settle down. 

    I came back for my NYSC with the idea that Nigerian women were more conservative and would be less open to having casual sex than foreign women.

    Were they?

    Somewhat, but they came with their own set of problems. I met this woman who I didn’t have sex with because I wanted to actually get to know her and like her first. The problem was, she was always asking for money. There was always an urgent need she had. I usually obliged. Eventually, when it became too much, I complained to a mutual friend about her constant requests for money.

    How did that go?

    One day, she showed up at my apartment. She was unhappy and said it wasn’t fair that I reported her to our friend.  Then she stripped down and said she’s ready to “give in.”

    Wow. What did you do?

    I asked what that meant and she said that if it’s sex I wanted, I should come have it. I freaked out and asked her to wear her clothes back because there’s no way I’d have sex with her that way. I drove her back home and that was the end of that.

    I dated a few more people but when I found out that one of the women I was seeing actually had a boyfriend, I realised Nigerian babes weren’t much different from the girls I’d met in other places. At this point, I decided that I’d just go back to having casual sex.

    How did you make the switch?

    I started sleeping with “runs girls”. My friend would introduce me to them, we’d have sex, I’d give them some money, and that would be the end of that. I was meeting lots of women who were willing to have sex with me, in exchange for some cash. It was convenient for me because I had some money to spare, and I never had to meet them again. With this, my body count rose to close to a hundred.

    Omo. One hundred. So this continued till when?

    In 2010 I went back to London for my masters. At this point, I was somewhat more mature and I didn’t want to have casual meaningless sex anymore. At the same time, it was my final year of being in a university environment and I didn’t want that to go to waste. So from 2010 to 2011, I was just sleeping with people but I was still looking for a relationship. And then Tinder happened.

    Ah, Tinder.

    I was one of the earliest users of Tinder, right after the beta testing. I was meeting women all the time. When I came back to Nigeria, I met even more people than my first time because there were a lot of sex workers on there. However, sex with them was satisfactory at best. Most of them treated it like it was a chore which didn’t work for me, because I like it when the person I’m sleeping with is super involved and into it.

    What was being in constant contact with multiple women like?

    It was stressful. I know people like to say, “Ah, he’s a Yoruba demon” but it was really difficult. Having energy for multiple people was draining and I like to remain consistent with my energy. I don’t like introducing people to a vibe I can’t maintain. 

    What happened next?

    In 2017, I went back to the UK for my PhD. I took up dancing. I joined a tango dance club and I was always meeting new women there, and women love men who dance. At this point, my mom, who had always discouraged me from associating with women, was now asking me to start making plans to marry. I wasn’t sleeping with as many women — I slept with only about 30 people in 2018.

    I dropped out of my PhD, moved back to Nigeria and got depressed trying to figure out my direction in life. I became a software developer and got a job in Lagos. In 2019, I got a job in Germany and moved here. I decided that this time, I’d stop sleeping around. In three months, I only slept with 5 women.

    In 2020, I made a conscious effort to reduce the number of women I was sleeping with. I got tired of mere physical entanglements without knowing the person I was sleeping with. I’d had sex with women from most races and there just wasn’t any thrill in the chase anymore.

    So what’s happening these days?

    I ensure I get to know the person and enjoy the person first before having sex. Right now, I’m sleeping with only one person constantly, a German. We enjoy sex with each other and love each other’s company. I hope we can become something more serious soon. I’ve been seeing a therapist and sorting through the childhood issues that made me this way, like the fear of commitment or abandonment. I wish I hadn’t slept with all those women. I was looking for something that I couldn’t find through casual meaningless sex.

    When was the last time you had casual sex?

    March. I’m making an effort not to sleep with new people. It’s hard, but I’m making it work.

    What would you rate your sex life?

    A healthy 8. I’m enjoying sex with this woman and I’m not really looking for anything new.

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 21-year-old straight woman who talks about being averse to sex for a long time, discovering that she loved BDSM through her ex and navigating sex with her current partner.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    The first was non-consensual. I was eight, he was 15. He was a family friend. I never spoke to anyone about it until recently when I told a few friends because I thought it was my fault. It instilled a fear of naked men and penises in me for a long time.

    I’m sorry. How did that affect your sex life in adulthood?

    I essentially became a prude. I even wanted to become a reverend sister. Nothing about sex appealed to me. I never even made out with anybody. One day, I realised that I couldn’t let what someone did selfishly control my life and stop me from living. It had gone on long enough, and I had to have sex. 

    What did you do?

    I told the person I was dating then that I was ready to have sex. He had wanted to for a long time, but he never pressured me. He asked me several times if I was sure I was ready. It was easy because I was in love with this person and he was gentle. It was more about sharing the experience of sex with him than the act of sex itself. He let me take charge of everything — getting the hotel room, planning the day and all of that. I guess he wanted me to feel in control, and he made it clear I could back out at any time.

    How was it?

    I knew first-time sex wasn’t the way it’s portrayed in Hollywood movies, so I gave myself a pep talk to relax. When we got to the hotel room, we talked for a while and he didn’t make a move until I initiated it. It was initially painful and I didn’t enjoy it, but I think that was because I was too scared and anxious about sex. 

    What came next?

    I broke up with my first boyfriend and I didn’t have sex for five months. Then I met this guy online. We instantly had sexual chemistry and although we hadn’t met, it felt like we’d known each other a really long time. Then we met up at a party. He had a striking but quiet face but his eyes told me that he was sinister. I would know because I’m sinister too. He’s tall, dark-skinned and intelligent, which are all things I’m attracted to in men.

    There was a lot of sexual tension between us. He had this dom energy and that drove me crazy. He was due to travel out of the country for a few months, so we knew we had to fuck before he left.

    How did that go?

    We met at his apartment and whew, we fucked everywhere. We fucked in the room, bathroom, living room, balcony — all over the place. We engaged in BDSM and that was the moment I realised that I loved sex. It was so good that he delayed his flight for three days. He did things that still give me flashbacks till now.

    Wow. What did he do?

    He cuffed my hands, blindfolded and gagged and had me kneel in front of him for a few minutes which felt like hours, without touching me. Then he asked me to lie still on the bed and spread my legs with a spreader bar. At this point, I was shaking so badly out of anticipation and sheer horniness. The wait was killing me. I couldn’t move and that multiplied the sensation for me. There’s a difference between making love and fucking, and he fucked me ruthlessly.

    We had so much sex that I fell sick after because my body was exhausted.

    Omo.

    It was more pain than pleasure. It was a different kind of sex that I didn’t realise I loved. Considering the fact that I had hardly had sex before that, I started craving it a lot and he was there to walk me through all my cravings. It was ruthless sex, the kind that was devoid of all emotion. 

    Whew. Then what happened?

    He became my dom. We dated for eight months but that had to end because it was becoming toxic. There was a lot of shouting and yelling and crying. We dated off and on but kept getting back together because of the sex. 

    Did you sleep with other people after him?

    A few but nobody was really measuring up to my ex-dom. There was this one guy I fucked that was really good but I blocked him after.

    Walk me through your thought process?

    I didn’t really expect the sex to happen but it did, and it was good. But that needed to be the end. He wasn’t really my type.

    So what are you up to now?

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months now. Our sex is pretty great and he knows how to make love to my body.

    I met up with my dom and had sex a couple of times after the final break-up. The last time was a few months ago. I couldn’t really help it. There’s like invisible, unexplainable chemistry between us. 

    What do you think would happen if you met up with your ex-dom now, considering you’re in a relationship?

    Hmmm. Hmmmm. I can’t assure you that nothing will happen oh. We’re nothing but pencils in the hands of the creator. 

    LMAO. What would you rate your sex life right now?

    I’ll give it a 9. We have great sex. He’s open to trying out freaky stuff and knows my body like the back of his hands. We fuck every time we see, which is almost every day. I’m content with it, but I still crave that disrespectful sex sometimes. I find myself comparing him to my ex-dom and I don’t think anybody can beat that. 

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a gay man who talks about experiencing hypersexuality while in secondary school, dealing with a lover who outed him to his mother and juggling his love for the church with his sexuality.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    One time in school, the boys in my room were talking about cumming and wet dreams, and it turned out that only I and one other guy in the room had never cum before. I didn’t want to be the last person to experience cumming. Sometime later, I started touching myself and the other guy who hadn’t cum before saw me and started touching himself too. He then reached over and started giving me a handjob, and I did the same. After that, he’d come to my bed to hump me. He was transferred away from the school in SS1, and I didn’t get with anyone else till I was 22.

    How did that go?

    He was a doctor and an acquaintance. I had always had body image issues, so I never felt comfortable enough to get intimate with anybody. I asked him to check out my body to see if I was okay, because I was always worrying something was wrong with me. After the examination, he said I was perfectly fine. We went to his house for the most intense make-out session I’d ever experienced. I had my first orgasm and it was explosive. I was close to screaming. I still haven’t felt that way with anyone else. Still, he taught me a lot about my body. Because I was religious, I used to have a lot of guilt about being gay. He taught me not to rush off to the shower after sex like I had done something wrong.  When I was with him, I always felt comfortable in my body, a feeling that faded quickly if I wasn’t with him.

    But you never had sex with him?

    No. He was huge and that would have been my first time. He was also concerned for me and didn’t want to hurt me. He was protective like that. I was having sex with other people. I met one very hot guy in my school. I didn’t think I stood a chance because he was a spec. Way out of my league. I got his number and started talking to him, but he had to leave Lagos soon after. We talked for a year before I came out to him. When he came back, we met at the place he was staying and had the most memorable sex I’ve ever had, even though I was awkward because it was my first time. It wasn’t even the penetration that was nice. It was just the feeling of being there with him.

    You never had any experience with sex before you were 22?

    Except for the guy in secondary school, no. I used to be very religious. Like the knock-on-your-door-to-preach kinda religious. Both my parents are pastors. But in uni, I discovered I was feeling things I wasn’t supposed to be feeling, like getting turned on while holding someone’s hand during prayer sessions. I had always questioned why I felt attracted to men and even hated myself for it. I spoke to some church leaders about my sexuality and asked them to explain to me why it was wrong, but all they said was, “Because the Bible says so.” I tried so hard to believe it. 

    How did that go?

    I left the church. There were other issues, like the fact that being active in the church was affecting my academics. Prayer warriors would wake me by 5 a.m. to go pray with them. My classes were coinciding with church responsibilities, yet the church was expecting me to sacrifice more of my time.  I had a lot of anxiety during that period. So I said, “Fuck this shit.” I left that church but still go to church because my parents are pastors and I love the church atmosphere and gospel music.

    What happened after?

    I met this guy while volunteering for an organisation. He was beautiful and had such friendly energy around him, so we started talking and dating. We realised a little too late that we didn’t have common interests and he wasn’t as into sex as I was, so I started seeing other people while I was with him. 

    Wow.

    I even confessed to him a couple of times. He was hurt, but as time went on, he got used to it. I tried to convince him to open our relationship but he didn’t want that. We also struggled with communication so we used to brush a lot of serious issues under the carpet. I realised six months in that the relationship wasn’t for me, but we held on to it for almost two years. We also weren’t having regular sex because neither of us had a place. I was experiencing what I wanted with other people, so I knew I wasn’t asking for too much. We eventually broke up because while we were good friends, we were terrible lovers. He cried when I broke up with him. I wonder why because the relationship had been dead long before then. We’re great friends now.

    What’s your sex life like, right now?

    I’m on the streets. I’m waiting for three people from out of town. I don’t care; my conscience is non-existent.

    Really? What’s the worst thing you’ve done?

    I had a three-way in church.

    Jesus.

    Okay, it was a church office, but still. I went to see someone who was a church executive (who is married, by the way) and he had a guest over. Somehow, we all got naked and started having sex. There was also the time I met a married (but separated) guy who almost ruined my life.

    Tell us about him.

    We had a complicated relationship. I met him while he was single.  He was also religious when it benefited him. In fact, when we met, he was trying to convince me to stop having gay sex. 

    We later had sexual encounters but I didn’t want to date him. He wanted me at all costs, showering me with attention and gifts, which I refused most times. I didn’t want to date him because he was impulsive. That’s how he “impulsively” got married.

    Ah.

    I told him getting married while actively queer was a bad idea, but he didn’t listen to me. I blocked him everywhere and in a desperate attempt to reach me, he found my mom on social media and told her I was gay. He and my mom would have phone prayer sessions over me. It was wild.

    WTF.

    The fallout was terrible. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of that incident. When I challenged him, he was very sorry and begged me to forgive him. I had feelings for him so I did but I didn’t have any sexual relations with him.

    Then he separated from his wife, lost his job and was suicidal, so I came in as emotional support. Then it became physical. He’s the closest thing to the love of my life. But it’s a closed chapter now.

    That’s…intense. What would you rate your sex life?

    5.5, because I don’t have a place of my own. Once I get my own place, it’ll be 10/10. I think people take sex too seriously. It should be something that should be shared among friends.

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 20-year-old bisexual woman who talks about her initial struggle with the shame of masturbation, discovering her kinks and chasing sex fuelled by danger.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    When I was 14, Fergie’s “MILF” had just come out, and I was curious about what MILF meant so I went to watch the video and kept watching other suggested videos until I stumbled on one that had the word MILF in it. In it, an older woman was playing stepmother to a younger woman, and it was sexual. I continued down this rabbit hole until I got to a lesbian porn site. I was so intrigued. There was this particular video. Nothing has ever made me feel the way that video did. That was the first day I ever masturbated in my life.

    So you knew you were attracted to women.

    I didn’t know what I was then. I was in SS1 or SS2 at this point. I was still very religious — I was an usher in church. So you can imagine how the post-nut clarity hit me. I felt so much guilt. I deleted all the 15 videos I had downloaded that day alone. I just kept praying to God for forgiveness because they’d taught us in school that masturbation was a sin. I even took a chastity vow at some point.

    A what?

    A vow to remain pure for my husband, LOL. It was a whole production. They brought a guest speaker to talk to us about remaining virgins and how masturbation would make it hard for anything to satisfy us in our marriages.

    That’s a lot to take in.

    It fucked my brain up! They told us masturbators would become useless. Nobody wants to be useless.

    So that was the end of masturbation then…

    Not quite. After praying to God and crying about the sin I committed, it continued. I’d be going through my day and feel stressed. So it’s like, “Okay, I’m stressed. I know what relaxes me.” I ended up doing it two to three times a week.

    When did things change for you sexually?

    I was in an all-girls school battling with my attraction to women. You know how women can be very touchy-feely, so hugging and getting undressed in front of each other was not an issue. I was so stressed trying to hide how I felt. This continued till I was out of school, and I started to tell myself that I needed to start finding men attractive so that I could get married and make my parents happy.

    I wasn’t even having sex or thinking about sex because everything I’d heard about sex was boring. Guy, girl, penetration… like what else?

    Then the 50 Shades of Grey books dropped and curiosity would kill my cat again.

    Great pun

    You’re welcome.

    I was in uni now. I googled 50 Shades after reading the book and found a lot of people bashing it because it was abusive and didn’t represent the BDSM community well. I followed more links and read up on BDSM, and I discovered something about myself that day…

    What’s that?

    I like iranu. I genuinely like nonsense.

    LMFAO. So about this nonsense…

    I first discovered that I liked degradation. Being degraded and being the degrader.

    So like insort?

    Yes, but at the same time, I had a praise kink. One time this guy I was talking to told me I was being a “good little girl”, and I swear my body had never reacted as violently as it did that day. I encourage my partners to tell me how good I am.

    Keep in mind, all these were mild discoveries.

    They were?

    After degradation, I discovered I liked pain too. I linked with this babe once and while we were having sex she slapped me across the face. Hot slap. I was so turned on, I told her to do it again.

    Something tells me we’re not at the end of this list of events…

    I like danger. The more adrenaline a sexual situation gives me, the hotter the orgasm.
    I met my girlfriend on Twitter. It was the first time I was seeing someone proudly put “lesbian” in their bio, so I followed and we got talking. The first time she visited me, we kissed. I knew my mother was home and could walk in any minute, but I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to see how far I could go.
    Once I know I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing, my body gets a thrill. This is why I like to sleep with people in relationships.

    Pardon?

    All that sneaking around, I love it. 

    Have you ever gotten caught?

    Well the last time, I wasn’t caught red-handed. In my defence, I met her when she was single. We used to vibe, she slapped me a couple of times, degraded me sometimes; it was fun. Then one day she springs on me that she has a girlfriend and asked if it would change things — it did not. If anything, it made me more interested. One day after I left her house she sends me a text and says her girlfriend passed me by the gate as I was leaving. This same girlfriend would catch us again with this babe’s hand under my dress.

    How did that go?

    She gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever gotten in my life. But the story we told then was that her hand was under my dress because it was cold.

    Did you feel some type of way about being caught?

    Remember I enjoy being in these risky situations. There was even this one time I masturbated in front of a cross.

    I-

    I was staying with this Catholic aunt of mine, and I was alone at home. I wanted to masturbate on the balcony because I wanted people to see me — I discovered I liked being watched when I was at home, my windows were open and I got aroused from the thought of people watching me masturbate. 

    Anyway, as I was going to the balcony, I looked to the right and saw these pictures of Jesus. I asked myself, “Random strangers watching me, or our heavenly father watching.”

    Let me guess. No guilt this time?

    Nope! I was in such a good mood for rest of the day. I got such a high from doing it because it was something I wasn’t meant to be doing. But if myself of five years ago had seen me, she would have died.

    Understandably. I’m curious about how your kinks have affected your relationships.

    In my search for adrenaline-fuelled sex, I try to find the easiest ways to get it, and luckily for me, my first girlfriend was open to trying things. We did a lot of exploring without any judgement because we knew that even though I was being degraded or slapped, it didn’t extend beyond the realm of sex. All my initial sexual experiences were with women. 

    My current partner is a man, but it’s an open relationship. He’s on the asexual spectrum, so he’s not as open to trying things as I am.

    If you had to rate your sex life out of 10?

    Well, I did a threesome in May and had sex with someone’s partner last week. I’d say an 8.7 if we factor in the fact that I’m not having the sex I want to with my boyfriend. Exploring kinks with someone requires a level of trust I can’t share with someone I’m not in a relationship with. So this means that I don’t have sex as often as I want to in the way that I want to.