Sex Life | Page 12 of 13

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old cam girl who started camming a year ago. In this time, camming has taught her a lot about sex, her body and how to make money supporting lonely clients during the coronavirus pandemic.

When did you first become curious about sex?

You know how most of us played “mummy and daddy” as children? Well, I did a lot of that. I believe that was where my awareness of sex and sexuality started. But the first time I actually had sex was in university.

How did that happen?

I was 17 or 18, and my partner and I had been dating for a few months. We used to only go as far as foreplay, until one day when he was giving me head — which he was pretty good at — and I was so horny. He asked if I wanted sex and I said yes. And that was it.

How was it?

He was careful, but it still hurt. It subsequently got better.

What were your expectations before you had sex?

I didn’t really have the high expectations I have now.

What changed?

I’m currently discovering things about my body and sex that I didn’t previously know about and I’m discovering these things through camming.

Wait… what’s that?

Camming is basically teasing, talking, masturbating or having live sex in front of a camera. It’s all up to the performer, who may decide to stream only for the fun of it or for money.

That’s interesting. How did you discover camming?

I first saw a post on Nairaland last year about a girl masturbating in an Uber. I was drawn to that particular post because I could only imagine how turned on the driver was. So I read comments below the post and found someone explaining that she was probably a cam girl, streaming to a site and that the Uber driver was most likely her boyfriend. That was how camming got my attention.

And you just went right into it?

Yup! I remember asking my boyfriend at the time if he ever heard about camming and he said his friend knew a cam girl who got paid a lot of money for teasing people and masturbating on camera. I decided I wanted to try and he was open to the idea of joining me sometimes.

Did he ever?

Yup. I remember the day he joined me, we were amazed by the number of viewers we had. It was a lot.

How old were you when you started camming?

I was 24.

Did it ever feel uncomfortable?

Nope. I was very excited to try. I was like a child who just found a new playground with many different toys. Maybe it’s because I’m not religious, but I don’t place the same values on our norms and culture. My simple goal in life is happiness.

When people started to join my cam feed, I was even more excited to tease them. Later on I had to register to receive tips from viewers. If there was one thing I wasn’t comfortable with, it was communication with the viewers. Took a while to get used to that.

How long have you been camming?

About a year now.

In this time, how exactly has camming changed your sex life?

Camming has taught me more about pleasure. It has definitely upped my sex life. What I get now is raw, unfiltered orgasms. On camera, I squirt multiple times and don’t feel embarrassed or awkward.

I just go with all my orgasms and enjoy them as they come. In real life, it’s not always that simple. Some people think you’re peeing on them when you squirt.

I also have a lot of orgams.

Like how many?

More than seven on a good day.

Having a lot of orgasms only makes my day better. I am almost never angry, even with how stressful Nigeria can be. I go through my day with a lot of ease, and it helps me see the world differently.

Camming has also made me more sexually empowered. I feel good about my sexuality and I don’t really care about what the society thinks of it.

I also love myself more. I have learned to appreciate the things I used to take for granted about my body. It’s a huger self-esteem boost. While most girls are out there trying to bleach and look like a white girl (no judgement), I’m out here looking for the best cocoa butter cream to make my dark skin glow.

Nice. Does NEPA or poor internet stress you?

Yup! You know how bad power can be. It sucks when I want to stream at night and there is no light. Then you now add the annoying sound of generators. Even though my fans don’t mind it, it pisses me off big time. So sometimes I just don’t cam at night Sometimes the internet sucks, but it’s still manageable.

How do you get paid?

I receive payment through Bitcoin. There are other options, but I prefer Bitcoin.

What’s your daily income like?

There is no standard income. A cam girl may make as low as $1 or as high as $1000 (or more) in a day. Making money depends on a lot of factors: the amount of time you stream, the people in your room, your fan base, your mood that day and so much more.

Have you made up to $1000 a day before?

If you include the cut from the website, yes. But after deducting the site fee and all, it was a lot less. That is not to say it happens often. I just had someone who appreciated my show a lot that day.

How is being a live cammer different from, say, opening an onlyfans?

I’ve never tried those clip sites, like OnlyFans and the rest. I particularly enjoy camming because it’s live, interactive and relationship based. I meet people, I share my sexuality, I make them horny as fuck. I like camming a lot better. But I get requests from some of my viewers asking me to join those kind of sites for them. Who knows? I may give it a shot and see if I enjoy it.

What are the clients like?

There are more men than women — they’re from all over the world. They’re mostly cool people. But it is not without its handful of crazy people. I once had a crazy stalker online who would come with new names every day to give me a bad rating because I won’t let him get to know me more. Luckily, he stopped with the bad reviews after I threatened to block all of the UK.

Will you tell a new sexual partner about this part of your life?

I won’t be in a relationship with someone I can’t tell. It has to be someone very open-minded. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

How has this lockdown/quarantine period affected your work?

For me, it has meant more people. Some camgirls say people are not spending because of the uncertainty of the economy after the pandemic. Luckily for me, I have been making more and not less.

Why do you think your income has risen during this time?

I stream a lot more this period. The lockdown leaves me with a lot of free time.

What preconceptions about virtual sex work would you like people to throw away.

There is the assumption that camming means easy money. Some girls even register on camming sites for this reason and what was meant to be fun and empowering turns around and becomes all about the money. That usually leads to depression and low self-esteem.

How would you rate your sex life now on the scale of 1-10.

11. For obvious reasons.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old queer man living with HIV. He talks about how it affected his relationship and why he now chooses to disclose his status to potential sexual partners.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was in JSS 1 when it first happened. I had just gotten into boarding school and my room captain at the time would insist that I spend the night in his bunk and fondle him. I later learnt that he had been doing it with a bunch of other boys too.

What did you do?

I didn’t like the experience at all, so I changed rooms. The next room I got assigned to, the same thing happened with my new room captain. I changed rooms again, and it was the same thing the third time around.

What the hell?

Yeah, I was a very effeminate child, so that kind of put a target on my back. The funny thing is, while all of this was happening, I wasn’t even aware that I was attracted to guys. It didn’t really click until I dropped out of the hostel after just one term.

How did you realise?

It was a gradual process for me. I started noticing that whenever I watched porn, I was way more focused on the men than the women. Then that attraction and curiosity grew from there.

When did you have sex for the first time?

I was in 100 level. I don’t even remember who it happened with. For me, it was more experimental than anything. I just wanted to get it over with and decide if sleeping with men was something I liked or even wanted to do.

So, did it help you decide?

At the time, it didn’t. However, it made me realise it was something I was capable of doing. It also showed me that I could do it without feeling any kind of shame or guilt. Then I experimented with women too.

Did you enjoy that experience?

No, I didn’t. It was a struggle, but not for the reason you might think. At the time, all the women I was meeting were virgins, and I have a relatively big penis. The pain and discomfort they were clearly feeling completely turned me off.

Did you ever try again?

Yeah. I eventually had a heterosexual experience that was a lot better. For one, it was much less of a struggle. That being said, sleeping with women is just not something I care to do anymore.

Fair. So, what’s your sex life like right now?

Since I tested positive for HIV, the rate of masturbation has really increased for me. Sure, I still have sex occasionally, but it’s just stressful having to always explain the state of things to new people.

When did you learn that you were positive?

I found out in 2014 and I’m still not sure how exactly I got it.

What made you decide to get tested?

I was working for a health-related NGO at the time. They were having a seminar and offering free tests, and someone suggested that I take it. It’s not like I was sick or anything, but I just decided to do it.

How did you react to the result?

When it came back positive, I wasn’t exactly shocked or moved. I wouldn’t say I was in denial, but I figured it was bound to happen someday. So, I just took the test results, folded it into my pocket and went back to work.

Why do you think you weren’t shocked?

There are a million ways you can get the virus, not just through sex. Sure, I didn’t use protection every single time I slept with someone, but I didn’t base my conclusion on that and try to blame anyone.

There are so many ways I could have gotten it, and I thought dwelling on my sexuality alone would have been the lazy option. It’s a virus that is making its way across the world, so I wasn’t surprised that it had found its way to me.

Alright. What happened next?

Well, I was referred to an institution to start treatment, but I didn’t bother going for about a year. By the time I decided to start getting my treatment, I had already started showing signs that I had the virus.

Why did you wait so long?

I wanted to be sure I was ready. It’s a lifetime commitment and I’d read that if you start taking the medication and you’re not consistent, the virus could mutate and become resistant to the drug. So, I was just taking my time to mentally prepare myself.

Did your status immediately affect your sex life at the time?

I was dating someone at the time and it sort of put a strain on our relationship. I made him take the test and it came back negative, so there was that reservation that he could still get it from me.

We began to drift apart slowly. Funny enough, the sexual frequency didn’t reduce, but we were disconnected emotionally. We eventually broke up. After that, I became a lot more careful when meeting people for sex.

Do you always disclose your status to sexual partners?

Yeah, I do now. That wasn’t always the case though, but an experience I had made me start. I initially didn’t want to tell people because of the fear that ignorance about the virus might make them leave

What was the experience?

I had a sexual partner who didn’t know about my status. I really liked him, and I didn’t want to risk him leaving. So, we were having sex one day and the condom broke, but I didn’t stop.

He later found out — he saw my drugs and googled them. He was understandably very angry. So, yeah, I always disclose now. If we are going to be having penetrative sex, I owe it to the person to let them know.

What is that conversation usually like?

I tell them that I’m currently undetectable and very consistent with my medication. If they are fine with that explanation, then great. If they aren’t, I don’t actually hold it against anybody.

How do they typically react?

The reactions vary. Some guys are indifferent, some are inquisitive and some are cautious. As of now, I’ve never actually been turned down because of my status. Well, not to my face anyway.

That’s great. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’m practically celibate now, so 0.5. I’m mostly busy with work and I rarely have time to interact with people. I’m also not a fan of meeting people online, so, yeah, my sex life is currently non-existent.

Check back every Saturday by 12 pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who was having sex very actively before marriage. She’s been married for a year and has not had sex with her husband since their wedding. She thinks he might be gay.

What was your first sexual experience?

So when I was younger, I had a “how are babies made?” phase. I assumed that when people got married, they just had to lie down on the bed together and they’d get pregnant. Then when I was about 7, I saw my mother and father doing it. Instead of leaving immediately, I watched for a split second before my mother noticed me. Then I ran out.

Wow. Did they talk to you about it?

Talk fire. We all just pretended like it didn’t happen. In hindsight, I think things were a little awkward after, but back then, I didn’t notice and no one came to talk to me. Guess what happened nine months later?

You had a new sibling?

Yup. I just put two and two together and I was like wow.

Haha. You finally knew how babies were made.

Yeah, but I think something about seeing my dad on top of my mum scarred me. I didn’t know the word for sex, but I said I was never getting married because I believed you had to be married to do what my father was doing to my mother.

Did that decision change along the way?

I don’t know how it happened, but by the time I was 8, I was fantasizing about marrying some of my classmates. I guess it’s because my mum used to cater to a lot of weddings and I used to go with her.

I planned weddings with different classmates in my head. When I was 10, I had a ‘school husband’ — we acted the school play together and people started calling us husband and wife. Then one day, we were alone at the back of the school and started kissing, mimicking things we had seen in movies. This happened after school hours though and it became routine.

Were you guys ever caught?

Luckily, no. But just doing that and being able to do that and not get caught released a monster in me.

Lmao. What do you mean?

I went to a mixed boarding school for secondary school and it was quite small. All that separated the male and female hostel was a small yard — it was in the same building. I realised I had a lot of freedom, which is wild considering the fact that my parents sent me to boarding school to curtail my freedom.

Why did they want to do that?

There was a time before secondary school that I stumbled into a porn ad on our home computer. After seeing it, I got very curious and started looking for porn. I was not able to watch any because the sites kept asking me to set up an account and pay money in dollars, which I didn’t have. I gave up. A few weeks later, my mother was using the laptop for something. She must have gone through the search history and seen it. All hell was let loose.

It couldn’t have been someone else?

Nope. I was the only child old enough to do that. Then another time, she sent me to do something and some secondary school guys on my street stopped me to talk to me. I don’t know if they thought I was old enough, but they were trying to get my phone number and I didn’t even have a phone. Basically, they were harassing me. They didn’t let me pass. A neighbour saw and went to tell my mum I was talking to boys. Even more hell was let loose. And that was all my mum needed to know she was going to send me to a boarding school.

So what was freedom like there?

Hahaha. By the first week, everyone thought I was a slut because I was talking to boys a lot. Since they thought I was a slut, I decided to run with it — I kissed the first boy that was interested in me. From then on, I was kissing everyone and anyone. Every day after lights out, I’d sneak out of my room and make out with a new boy. It was fun. The thrill for me wasn’t even in the making out or in the oral sex, it was in hiding from the prefects and hostel mistresses and almost getting caught. It was in running with the slut title and knowing that all the girls wanted to be like me but would never admit it.

Did you ever have sex?

Yes. A LOT. But that started in senior school when I felt I was finally ready. I did it with one of my regulars. It was a rubbish experience. Shocking because he had said he was very experienced.

How many people would you say you had sex with in secondary school?

I had sex with about 15 boys, but I’m pretty sure I made out with a lot more. I wasn’t counting.

What happened when you got to university?

In my first year, the sex became better. I had a list of people I wanted to sleep with in my faculty and I slept with 20 of them in my first semester. I actually had a list from a couple of other faculties too. I also tried exploring my sexuality and learned I’m very straight. All of this was short lived because I met my husband in my third year of uni — he wasn’t a university student though.

Now that you’re married, what’s your sex life like?

Not that great. When my husband and I were dating, it was a lot better. He wasn’t very experienced at first, so I had to teach him everything, from how to touch me to the right hole. He was very open to learning and trying all kinds of things. We got married immediately after I finished university. But now, it’s different. We haven’t had sex since our wedding.

Wait what?

I’m not even joking. It’s confusing that this is my life and sometimes I wonder if I could be dreaming. We’ve been married for about a year and since then, he hasn’t touched me. We have made out, but every time I try to bring up sex, there’s always an excuse. I didn’t mind at first. I even infused aphrodisiacs into our meals, but still nothing. I tried to have the conversation with him and it didn’t lead anywhere. I’ve actually never told anyone this, because it shames me.

Wow. I’m so sorry. Do you think that maybe he’s asexual?

I know he’s not because only a few months ago, I found out he slept with someone else — a man.

Wait what?

I don’t know if it was a one-off thing, but I happened to be snooping around his phone and I saw it. It was wild, but I couldn’t bring myself to accost him.

Does that make you question his sexuality?

Yes. At first I wondered if he was gay. We didn’t have the sexuality conversation before we got married because it didn’t matter. There are no ‘signs’ that he is gay. I’ve spent an insane amount of time googling ‘how do I know if my partner is gay’.

I cannot deny the chemistry in the sex we had before we got married TBH. It was there. But sometimes, I wonder, what if I imagined it? What if he is gay or asexual or bisexual? I can’t wrap my head around the fact that whatever it is, he won’t talk to me about it.

I’m sorry about that. Are you going to do something about it?

Right now, no. I’ve done a lot of talking and nagging. But right now, I think I need to just give him space. Honestly, I can’t see myself leaving him – I mean, I love him. Some part of me is like, you want to leave him just because of sex. I believe we can work through it — I just need to give him time.

But it’s not just sex, he cheated…

And people make mistakes. Look, before I got married, I was one of those people who often said I would never stay with a man who cheats, but it’s a lot more complicated than that. I love him and I know he loves me too. Besides what do I tell my parents? And my friends who look up to us as a couple? It’s a lot to wrap my head around and I’m still trying to figure out what the next best thing to do is.

I understand. Right now, do you do anything to give yourself pleasure?

I masturbate a lot. Like four times a day. Haha. It’s worse now during the coronavirus lockdown. I masturbate while showering, while watching movies, before sleeping, etc. It just helps get my mind off the coronavirus anxiety and other things like my sex life.

Speaking of Coronavirus lockdown, how are you managing that with your husband?

It’s actually not been bad. I am hoping that maybe this is when we can kick off our sex life again. We cook together and watch movies together. We even work out together. We actually do a lot of things together. Not just sex.

What about making out?

Super rare. Maybe a forehead kiss here, a peck there, but nothing that can actually lead to sex or oral sex.

How would you rate your sex life?

Lol. I don’t know how to answer that.

Click here for happy thoughts.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual man who has slept with over 300 women. He talks about regretting the unbelievable number and the stories behind a lot of the encounters.

What was your first sexual experience?

I don’t know if this counts, but the maid used to make me sleep with her when I was 8 years old. It happened about 10 times and finally stopped when she left. I now know that it was sexual assault, but I don’t think it affected me in any way.

I actually forgot about it for a while. Then when I got older, I just randomly remembered the experience. I don’t think it left any major scars. I just think of it as something that happened a long time ago.

Damn. I’m sorry. When was your first consensual experience?

The first time I intentionally slept with a woman, I was 16. She was a little older — I think around 22. She came to stay with my neighbour during one of these long holidays, and we hit it off.

I didn’t even think it would happen. We just used to have friendly bants. It was actually my older cousin who wanted to sleep with her, but she was scared and apprehensive because he was almost 30.

How did the relationship transition from a platonic one to a sexual one?

We both felt comfortable with each other, so we’d just spend hours talking. One day, I was talking to her about feelings, and she said something about liking me. I then jokingly asked her if she liked me enough to have sex with me.

To my surprise, she said yes. I decided not to tell her that I hadn’t had sex before, because I thought she would change her mind. Anyway, we had sex and it was really nice. Then we did it every day until she left.

What happened after?

Funny enough, while the experience was definitely great, it didn’t turn me into some sex-hungry monster. The next time I hooked up with another person was almost a year later. I was very patient about it.

What’s your sex life like these days?

I think I am officially on the road to retirement. My sex life is nothing at all like it used to be. This year has been really tame, especially when you compare it to what went on in my past.

What went on in your past?

It’s a mix of fun and regretful memories. I’ve been with north of 300 women, and while that might sound unbelievable, it’s unfortunately very true. I even find it hard to believe sometimes.

300? Seriously? How did you manage that?

I honestly don’t know. Many times, I feel like I actually haven’t had that much sex, but I know that’s just me trying to make myself feel better. I know it’s an insane number, but it’s a mix of motivations that got me to that point.

What kind of motivations?

Sometimes it was because I wanted to prove a point to friends. Sometimes I’d be mad at a guy and decide to punish him by sleeping with his babe. Sometimes it was a bet. Sometimes it was because I saw a couple smiling and I wanted to test their bond.

Honestly, this is really hard for me to talk about because I see how terrible I used to be. It wasn’t always for a messed up reason though. Sometimes I’d sleep with a babe, and she’d recommend me to a friend.

Wait. People used to bet with you to sleep with women?

Yeah. My friends and I would give each other a time frame — usually around a month — to sleep with a woman in a relationship, and if you pulled it off, you could win up to N200k. I did a bunch of these kinds of bets, and I only ever lost one of them.

Did you ever date anyone during this time?

Yeah, I did, but during that period, I didn’t take any bets.

Did you sleep with other people though?

I did, but we were on a break when it happened. So, I didn’t feel like I was cheating or anything. The sex wasn’t even that great, so it only happened once and I told my babe once the break ended.

So, you never cheated, but you were testing other people’s relationships?

I’ve never felt the need to cheat. I also think cheating is impossible to stop once you start, so I just never went there. About testing people’s relationships, it was fun for me at the time. I enjoyed the thrill.

Like, in retrospect, I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I just really enjoyed seeing how strong their commitment really was. I also liked the fact it was never really more than sex for the women. Once we were done, they’d just return to their boyfriends.

Would you ever forgive a partner for cheating on you?

My answer might sound insane, but if there’s a way I can be sure she used a condom, then yes. If she had sex raw or gave him head, then nope. There’s no going back if you cheat without a condom.

What’s the difference?

I don’t know how to explain it, but sex without a condom just feels way too intimate to me. Also, giving him head is just too far. I mean, she’s going to come back and kiss me with that mouth. It feels extra disrespectful.

Were you using condoms during all your sexcapades?

A lot of times, yes. I’m a huge fan of condoms and I always have one on me. Sometimes I’d feel like having sex without them, but 80% of the time, I used a condom. I also get tested for STDs on a yearly basis.

Did you ever turn down a chance to have sex?

Ah. Yes now. I wasn’t that bad. Not to sound like an ass, but I don’t like ugly girls. It’s very difficult for me to get it up for an ugly girl. That’s not to say it never happened in a moment of weakness, but I typically turn them down.

I’ve also never slept with a married woman, a friend’s babe, a friend’s ex or a friend’s sister. Those are lines I’ve never been willing to cross, even when I was at my worst. So, yeah, I’ve been able to turn down sex a number of times.

So, what exactly happened that made you decide to change your ways?

I think it’s age. I did most of these things in my 20s. Now, I’m 31 and I feel the need to settle down. I want to focus on being with one woman. I actually like the idea of love and commitment, and I would like to try that again.

Will you tell whoever you choose to be with about your past?

Yeah, I will. I feel like I owe it to them.

Have you had to tell anyone yet?

Not in this much detail, but yeah. She was actually very understanding. She knew that it was in my past, and everyone has something in their past that they aren’t exactly proud of. So, she didn’t let it bother her.

Do you think you’d be as understanding if the situation was reversed?

Ah. I don’t think I would believe it if a babe says she’s slept with over 300 guys. However, if she insists that it’s true, I would definitely feel some type of way. But, if I really like her, I don’t think it would stop me from wanting to be with her.

Really?

Yeah. As long as she’s gotten tested and I don’t know any of the guys, I’m fine. I also need to be sure that it’s in the past, and she’s not like that anymore. I really don’t think it would be a big deal for me.

Knowing the guys would make a difference?

Not necessarily. It’s just to see how they behave around her when we’re together, so you know the fools and the normal people. Some guys can be stupid and try to flirt just because they have history. I just don’t want to have to deal with those ones.

So, body count really isn’t a factor for you?

Lowkey, I actually prefer babes with more bodies. I’m used to babes running or telling me to wait or stop or reduce my pace or whatever. So, when I hear that a babe has been with her fair share of guys, I assume she’ll be better in bed.

Oh?

Yeah. Igbo babes are usually the ones that can keep up. I love them so much. Yoruba babes tend to disappoint.

Is that a fair conclusion?

Well, in my experience, it is. I’ve been with between about 250 Igbo babes and maybe 30 Yoruba babes (probably a little less), and the results don’t lie. I have been with two Yoruba babes that were great, but at the end of the day, Igbo babes reign supreme.

Lmao. Ok. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Currently at 0. I’m trying to be a different person. I’ve decided not to be with anyone just for sex anymore. I want to learn how to be on my own, instead of just racking up more bodies. So, yeah, my sex life is virtually non-existent right now,

So, you’re celibate at the moment?

No oh. I’d have sex tomorrow if the right woman came along. I just want to stop having meaningless sex, not stop having sex entirely. I mean, my head might touch next week and I’ll scrap this entire thing, but for now, that’s my goal.

Check back every Saturday by 12 pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a woman in her 40s who has been divorced three times. She talks about how not using protection and the lack of safe clinics for abortion in Nigeria affected her Sex Life.

When did you have sex for the first time?

Ah. That was a long time ago. Maybe when I was 16. I can’t remember. I had just finished secondary school and I didn’t know what came next. So I went to stay with my aunty in another state for a while. Then I met this guy in the neighborhood. Every day, after me and the other children finished our chores, we would hang around in the neighborhood. That’s how I started hanging out with him and before I knew it, I was pregnant.

Wow. Did you have sex with him more than once?

A LOT. In a day, maybe 3 times. We were having sex every day except maybe weekends. That one I’m sure of. That guy had a sweet mouth oh. He’d promise to buy me this and buy me that. I think the very first time, he promised to buy me biscuit* if I let him touch my breast. Me too, I asked myself, what’s the big deal? But from breast touching, it led to something else and we had sex for the first time inside one uncompleted building.

Wow. Lol. What did you think about sex before this experience?

Nothing much. I grew up with my father and his own was if you’re having sex, just don’t let him finish inside you. He told me and my brothers this — they weren’t to ‘finish’ inside anybody. That it’s not easy to raise a child. That he won’t have had us if he had sense.. Then I had an aunty that used to call it the forbidden fruit when gisting with her friends. But other than these, nobody was talking to me about sex.

So how did sex become regular between you and this guy?

Once I had sex that first time, walahi, I didn’t know how to stop. It was so sweet, I went to look for him at his house the next day. The only thing was that we had to be careful, so other people didn’t find out. It wasn’t good for a young woman to be seen with men anyhow back then. Everyone would just conclude that they’re having sex.

Did you continue to have sex in uncompleted buildings?

Hahaha. We found other places. One time in the night, it was inside an old car parked on the street. Then another time, we went for one programme and before we knew it, we were having sex at the back of the building, near the toilet. In fact there’s no place we didn’t have sex. Although we had sex in his house and my Aunty’s house a few times, those were once in a while. We didn’t want to get caught by our family.

When did you discover you were pregnant?

After about three weeks, I went back to Lagos and then I did not see my period. I started praying. That this period should better show its face. I had just started a job — I was so tired all the time. Somehow, my father found out and, well, he asked who the father was. I told him I didn’t know.

My brothers were ready to find him and beat him, so I had to protect him. My father asked if I wanted to keep it. I said yes. I didn’t think I had a choice. All the while, me and this guy had already started love. We would write letters to each other. He was going to move to Lagos. And when I told him I was pregnant, he was happy. He wanted to get married.

Did you get married?

Married? At a very young age. No oh. We were both young. He didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a good job. I said no, please. But I asked if he could support me and the baby.

Did he?

For a few months after I had my child. Then he stopped when he heard I was with another man. And truth be told, I was just sleeping with this other man for money.

What was sex like with this other man?

It was okay. But you see, I didn’t like him like that, so I think it affected the sex with him. The only reason I kept doing it was the money. He would give me money to buy something for myself, but I would use it to buy something for my baby. My father and brothers were supportive, but there’s nothing like having your own money as a woman.

Did the guy know you were just sleeping with him for the money?

He knew.

Ah. Seriously?

Yes. It’s not as if I told him but he knew that if money didn’t drop, there was no way I’d come to his house. And I didn’t feel bad. Why should I feel bad for something I will still do for free? Money is the principal thing in this life.

Can’t fault that. So how long did that go on for?

For about two years, off and on. In fact, he even got married at some point, but he would still come to me for sex. Then he even promised he would marry me so that I would be his second wife. I was about 20 or so then, but I still didn’t want to be married. Talkless of being a second wife. So I ended it. The mistake I made was that I still wasn’t using contraception or condoms.

Why weren’t you using contraception?

I didn’t know anything about them to be honest.

What happened next?

I got pregnant again. I found out after we ended it. I was going to abort, but an old classmate had just died from abortion. So I was very scared. And this time, my father said I should go and get married oh. That he doesn’t care if I’m the second or tenth wife.

I’m sure it wasn’t funny then.

It wasn’t. I didn’t want to get married, so my “forbidden fruit” aunty intervened. I started to live with her with my daughter. Because I was living with her, I started to learn more about sex and knew that I could use condoms. She would buy me a lot of condoms sometimes.

Did she tell you about birth control?

No. But I knew about them when I went to a clinic for a checkup. A nurse was talking about it and that’s how I knew. But when I came to get one, they didn’t give me. They said I had to come with my husband. Another clinic said the same thing — they didn’t even allow me to see the doctor. I told them I was not married and the woman, an old woman — I think she was a nurse — said that I should just stop sleeping around.

Wow.

Yes and because I had two children without being married, people said all sorts of things about me. That I was a prostitute, and if they said it when I was passing, I would ask, “and so what?” They said I would never find a man to marry because no man wanted to marry someone with children from different men, and I carried face because who needs men? All they know how to do is sleep, eat and have sex — and they never want to use condom.

People don’t know how to mind their business.

People ehn. Eventually, I met a guy that I really liked, we dated for a long time because I didn’t want to rush to have sex and then get pregnant. But one day, I went to see him in his house and I couldn’t hold it anymore, so we had sex.

How was it?

It was sweet. He knew how to do things that the other men I had been with didn’t. I really enjoyed it. I was really blinded by this, so we ended up getting married. He was my first husband.

First husband?

Hahahaha. Yes. First husband. We didn’t last. I’ve had the misfortune of being with men that are somehow. This one was a drunk. At least that’s better than husband number 2 that was a beater.

Wait. Two husbands.

Actually, three.

I have a lot of questions.

Oya.

Were you legally married to all of them?

Yes. Traditional wedding.

And divorced legally from all of them?

I carried my things and walked away

Haha. Energy. Did you have any children for them?

Two for the first and the second man respectively.

What about the third husband?

Having a baby just never worked out. I was so happy! He was the one that left me — said that my eggs have finished.

Still no birth control or condoms?

All the time I was married, I was begging them to use condoms, but they never agreed to it — that it was necessary for me to have children for them.

Nawa oh.

And that sex was better without condoms. I did not want children at all. I was tired.

In all this time, had your thoughts about sex changed?

Sex? I had even forgotten what sex was. Marrying was just so that I look respectable in society. So that nobody goes around insulting me or my children.

Did it work?

Somehow. But being divorced meant I still received the same insults. They don’t want to know why you left. As long as you don’t have a man around, you’re not a serious woman.

I wasn’t thinking about sex at all. The men I married, like most men, really liked sex. They wanted sex all the time and I would lie down there and let them do their thing. While thinking about other things like where is tomorrow’s food going to come from? When you don’t have plenty money like that, you won’t be thinking about sex as something to enjoy. The men too, they will just do their thing, four or five minutes and they’re done. No kissing, nothing.

How is your sex life nowadays?

It’s hard for a woman my age to meet good men. But I met one man recently and it has been nice. I forgot what sex could feel like. But now I remember. There are things we do that I’ve never tried before, even when I was younger. He really takes his time with me. I feel like a young girl again. Importantly, he knows that he’s supposed to use condoms.

I also have another man that is looking at me. This one has money and he buys me things. If he asks me to marry him, I probably will because I know he will take care of me. And I can take care of my children.

What about the first guy?

He’s nice for the sex but not as a husband or father.

If you had to score your sex life, what sccore will you give it over ten?

Wo, maybe 5. I don’t really know. Sex is nice oh. But it’s not the thing on my mind at all.

What’s on your mind?

Money. Going back to school to make something of myself.

If you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?

I would have been more careful with sex and made the men I slept with use condoms. I love my children but maybe I would have had abortions if there were safe clinics.

This interview took place in Yoruba and was edited and condensed for clarity.

More Sex Life Stories
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old bisexual woman who discovered BDSM (Bondage / Discipline / Dominance / Submission / Sadism / Masochism) in her early 20s and has vowed never to have any other kind of sex.

When did you first become curious about sex?

After reading one nonsense Harlequin romance book. I was in JSS 3 and we had just finished Junior WAEC. I was bored all the time, so I started reading my sister’s romance novels. From reading her novels, I discovered porn and I couldn’t stop watching. Anytime I read or watched, I’d feel a little tingling between my legs. Then one day, I was watching this American movie. Can’t remember the name. But there was a scene I replayed like 100 times. By the 101st time, there was a pillow between my thighs and I was masturbating.

Lmao. With a pillow?

Omo, I’ve used weirder things — remote controls, just over my underwear on my clit, not inside oh, books etc. Anything that gets the work done.

You had never masturbated before?

Nope.

And you had no prior sexual experience?

None at all. But from reading all those books, I knew what masturbation was and it felt so freaking good. Jesus Christ. I was crying when I finished — I didn’t know anything other than ice cream on a hot day could make me feel that good. Later that day, I told my sister and she laughed at me because I said I used a pillow.

You were comfortable talking to her about it?

Perfectly. After laughing we actually had a conversation about it and she told me I could use my fingers. But I didn’t know how, so I fashi-ed. I didn’t do anything for a long time, until I was in SS 3 and I went to an all-girl’s boarding school. That was when I started thriving, because I went full-on.

Explain ‘full-on’?

First, I discovered I was attracted to women. Then some girl taught me how to touch myself properly. Then, I had sex for the first time. It was great!

What were your thoughts on sex before then?

My parents have always been open about sex. And in my old school, sex education was a big thing. So I knew that I had to have safe sex. I knew about diseases. I knew that you didn’t get pregnant by sitting on a man’s lap. But I wasn’t in a hurry to have sex. The romance novels ruined me, so I dreamt of ‘giving my flower’ to a boy I loved. And as I didn’t now find anyone, I didn’t have sex until 16.

Did you love the girl?

A lot. I was almost obsessive. She was my first-ever partner — so it was good vibes at first. We sat down together in class. We would finger each other under the table, make out in the toilet, sneak into each other’s beds after lights out. It was really nice. But I couldn’t stand her being with someone else. And it became worse after we had sex for the first time. I was really just a learner. She taught me what to do and it was the most natural thing ever. But the next day, I saw her talking to another babe and I got sooo livid, I could have burst. Imagine a cartoon character’s face going red and exploding? That was me.

Just because they were talking?

There was some touching that bordered on flirting. I admit I was overreacting. But yeah, teenage girls are evil. So I went to accost both of them and the other girl hissed while my own partner told me to calm down. Lol. I was so mad. I did the next best thing. Stormed off to the hostel mistress’ room to report that I’d seen them kissing.

Ah.

I told you teenage girls are evil. When the hostel mistress called them in, a lot of accusations and lies flew around. So the hostel mistress punished us by telling us that we would all sleep outside on the basketball court until 12am. I think she didn’t believe my accusation and assumed that it was just a good-natured girl fight, hence the punishment. In hindsight, it’s a stupid punishment, but omo, that’s not the point. Three of us made out on the court that night. There was some oral sex too. It was wild.

And you weren’t caught?

Yeah. Luckily we weren’t.

So what did you do next?

My partner and I broke up, but after that we would hook up occasionally, sneak around and make out. At the same time, I became a ‘mouth prostitute’. That’s what people used to call me because I gave the best head. Sometimes it was compensation for something someone had done for me. Sometimes people bought me food just so I could give them head. If I say I did it on less than 20 girls in a month, I’d probably be lying because it was a lot more.

Then we finished school and went our separate ways. Before that though, my sister came for visiting day and I told her some of what had happened — leaving out the sex and she called me out and said I was too controlling. I was offended ehn. So after we graduated, I really didn’t want to get with anybody. I focused on university and all. It was all good until my second year when I met this guy that wanted to destroy my life.

What?!

Lol. Maybe I’m exaggerating. But yeah, he wanted to destroy me with sex. We weren’t dating. We met on a social platform and started hooking up. He lived in a nice apartment close to campus, so I was with him a lot. Cooking his meals — like an idiot — and having sex with him anytime he felt like. Sometimes, I feel like he used jazz on me because what the actual hell? I think I washed his toilet once sef.

I washed his clothes. Cleaned his house. The fucking ghetto. Just because of ordinary sex — he wasn’t giving me much else. That went on for a whole semester. My grades dropped. My mum told my sister to talk to me, that they can’t be paying that much for school fees and I’ll be failing. My sister spoke to me and because I’m very putty around her, I told her it was man o. She told me that it wasn’t right and my eyes opened. I did my best to stay away from men.

How long did that last for?

Pretty much all through uni. So what happened was that I started having a streak of bad luck with men and women. Mostly men sha. They were either awful people or the sex was just terrible or I wasn’t physically attracted to them. So my sex life really went down. I went back to my first love, masturbation. I bought toys to help and all, so I wasn’t bothered by this.

Did that replace human touch?

Nope, but my pillow did. Haha. Just kidding. It especially didn’t replace all the kinds of things I could say to a partner, all the ways I could objectify or cause sexual pain to them. Ah, that’s the one that pained me.

Just curious about the pain part.

Sometime towards the end of uni, I went to my sister’s house and she gave me the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ book and that’s how my life changed.

Just like that?

Just like that oh. But in a way, I feel I’ve always been like that. The book just helped me discover a part of me that I had been repressing. I know there’s no way to rationalize my obsessive and controlling attitude — I really should see a therapist — but once I read the novel, I knew I was the Dom, that I was destined for it. Nothing ever seemed appealing. Forget ice cream on a hot day. So after uni, I started seeking partners.

Was it easy?

Surprisingly not hard. And maybe because in the beginning it was just like, I’ll spank the babes ass, or pull her hair. Or if it’s a guy, I’ll choke him and make him address me with “your honour” — so cheesy, I know. But yeah, fantasy and roleplay are a huge part of the package for me. I wasn’t going all out and making BDSM a requirement in my sexual or romantic partners.

Did it get hard as you began to experiment more?

Yeah. I’ve been with people, especially men who claim they can take the pain, but they really can’t. A man has literally cried because of belt spanks after boasting that he’s used to it. Ah, moya carry my bags and japa. It’s not me the police will come and carry. Then there was a guy who I spat on in the heat of the moment, ugh. Cringing at the memory. Maybe I should’ve asked what he was comfortable with beforehand. That’s where the sex ended sha.

In my mid 20s, I experimented with polyamory. So what I did was that I dated two different people and was having two different kinds of sex with them. There was vanilla with the babe. And full-on BDSM with the guy. The dynamic wasn’t fixed. Sometimes I was the sub and he the dom; other times, I was the dom.

Did you love them both equally?

I like to think so. I did. I treated them well. And they both had other partners. We had rules and all. It was nice while it lasted.

How did it end?

My male partner wanted a threesome with my female partner but that had been off the table from the beginning. After I told him no, he became jealous of my relationship with the babe. He eventually said polyamory was not for him. Fair enough, even though he believes in polygamy, but let’s not go there.

Then with the babe, I realised that I didn’t like vanilla sex anymore. Like the entire thought of it repelled me. So I was cheating with this babe who loves BDSM as much as I do — she was entirely submissive. I don’t say cheating proudly because I regret it. A lot of people were hurt and it wasn’t worth it, but that’s what happened. Everything scattered after a while and I was alone with my hands and toys again — at least I know that they’re drama free.

Welp. Would you try polyamory again?

Maybe. But I’m tired of drama. It just keeps following me. Is there anything that says I like drama on my head?

Lmao.

I’m serious. I just want peace and quiet.

But—

But if I’m being honest, sometimes, I see drama and walk into it.

What happened after the polyamory drama?

Oh. Nothing much. Just my mum walking into my room to see that there was a naked woman tied up on my bed. I can’t even begin to unpack the problems. But I’m at fault: why was I doing it at my parents house? Why didn’t I lock the door?

First, my mum didn’t know my sexual orientation. So I just had to lie that it was for a project. Lol. As woke as my mum is, she’s still homophobic, so she actually started talking to me and this woman who is a stranger I met on the internet. Counselling us and all. Preaching the bible to us — even though she hasn’t been to a church in years. I was so embarrassed. Afterwards, I had one of those talks with my sister and I decided okay, let’s give settling down a try. I had to move out first. For a bit, I was crashing in different places and was too broke for hotels. So no sex.

How long?

Maybe a year. I swore off vanilla sex. So it wasn’t an option. It was either I got my sex the way I liked it or I masturbated. No in-betweens.

Did it get hard?

Yes it did. But yeah, I guess I can say I paid my dues because I soon met the love of my life and yeah, everything has changed since then. My relationship isn’t about sex. Sex is just one of the things that happen. And when we do it, it’s absolutely amazing. Forget icecream and party Jollof rice. It’s the real deal. We have rules around sex. Rules around safety and consent. Rules around knowing the limit. I never knew those were important. She literally schooled me. She loves pain, and so it was easy to settle into our dynamic.

How long have you been together?

2 and a half years. She calls me her god. Hahaha. I love it.

Lit! Do you think it’ll ever change?

The sex or the relationship?

Both.

Yeah. I do. But I’m prepared. There’s something being older does to your priorities. If we breakup, I won’t die, but it’ll hurt me. I understand now that not everything lasts forever and relationships don’t necessarily have to be till death do us part. But with the sex, we’re constantly inventing new ways to explore in the bedroom. We even have a feedback system where after every sex round, we fill forms to talk about the experience and discuss how to improve. So hopefully, if we break up, it won’t be about the sex.

Mad. How would you rate your sex life?

7?

Why not more? I guess you have all you want.

Well I can’t marry my partner and be disgusting in public like I’d like to, so no I don’t have all I want. The sex is great, but there are a lot of things missing just by virtue of being Nigerian and living here.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old woman who mentally and physically prepared for her first sexual experience with her husband by reading books and using aphrodisiacs like Kayan Mata.

When did you first become curious about sex?

Secondary school. I think SS 1 or SS 2. You know that stage of your life where you’re more conscious of your body and all? That stage where you’ll be doing mumu love with a classmate who equally doesn’t have sense? Yup, that was the stage. Thankfully we weren’t bold enough to have sex.

So, what did you guys do?

We’d hide in class during break to kiss. It didn’t last because a new girl joined our class and the foolish boy changed seat and stopped talking to me. I can’t even blame him because the girl was really pretty and had fully matured. Unlike me that was still wearing a bra top in SS 2.

And then after secondary school, just before uni, I went on to have one boyfriend that wasn’t my age — he was about 24. I was 16, forming ‘big girl’ as per ‘straight outta secondary school’. In my mind, adult don set.

Wow. That’s a huge age discrepancy.

I’m glad the dude was sensible enough to not take advantage of my naivety. He wasn’t with me to just sleep with me. There were countless times after all the kissing and smooching that we did that he could have decided to have sex with me and I won’t have declined.

Was there a particular reason you waited that long to explore?

I think the main reason was my mum. I wasn’t religious until I got into uni, so it wasn’t even religion that held me back. I remember that whenever I was kissing my mumu lover in secondary school and he wanted to touch my breast, I’d remove his hand. It felt like my mum had the perfect image of my breast and if anybody touched it, she’d know.

So what happened with the older guy?

We scattered after I gained admission. I think gaining admission was the best thing for me. It was in school that I became more conscious of my religion and started to behave accordingly. It wasn’t fear of my mum anymore, it was fear of my creator.

How did you get serious with religion?

The thing started as a joke. My roommates didn’t know I was Muslim. So one time, they were teasing me that all the Muslims they know go to mosque to pray but they’d never seen me pray, not to talk of going to the mosque.

I felt bad because at home you dare not miss prayers. But in school I was doing anyhow. My head just realigned and I started praying, going to the mosque and learning more about my religion. Then I started covering too. It actually started off as a fashion choice.

So how did taking your faith seriously affect your sex life?

This question is sweet. Taking my faith seriously made me see the good side of sex in the right institution. I consciously read some Islamic books about sex and I was just in awe. It actually made me more relaxed and patient, knowing that once I get married, for every round of sex, I’m getting a reward.

You know when you’re doing something that is a sin, there’s this uncomfortable feeling you’ll have, but when you’re doing something that you enjoy and you know you’re still going to get rewarded for it? The bliss.

That’s an interesting way to look at it. Did you date anyone else in university?

In my second year in uni, I dated one Muslim dude. I thought we were on the same page. Turns out we weren’t. He wanted us to have sex (on a regular basis) till we finished school and could get married.

Omo, I dusted my slippers and picked race because what if I die before I graduate? Hellfire because of penis? Mo ya japa. I just told myself, I’m not doing any dating rubbish with anybody. If we want to marry ourselves, let us know and marry. No need to be smelling what you cannot taste.

So you didn’t date anyone for the rest of uni?

Nah. I had toasters oh. But I didn’t agree for anyone because I knew I wasn’t ready for marriage then and we can’t be following ourselves without the temptation of kissing and making out — na from clap dance dey start. So most of them just ended up being platonic friends and the ones that didn’t want friendship bounced.

Didn’t you feel tempted?

How won’t one feel tempted? When it’s not like you don’t have blood running through your veins. You’ve not done it before, you don’t know how it feels, but somehow you’re human and you imagine and think about it and what it would feel like. Sometimes it’s hormones during periods that mess you up. Other times, it is one random fine brother that you’ll just see on the road and you’ll be feeling funny.

What did you do when you felt tempted?

I fasted. Whenever I’m fasting my spirituality is on another level. I want to do more nawafil, I want to read more pages of the Qur’an and all so it just beats down the energy of thinking about sex or feeling tempted to do anything.

When I can’t fast (when I’m on my period) I just talk to my friends, we gist and laugh about it. Or I listen to lectures. Some people say the fear of hellfire is not good enough, but for me, I fear hellfire more than anything. The thought of it kept me going. And that’s how I didn’t have sex until I got married — six days after my wedding, actually.

Why did it take six days? I’d imagine you’d want to do it immediately.

Haha. I was seeing my period on my wedding day. But I was lowkey happy because I didn’t just want us to jump into the act so fast. Like one minute we could barely look into each other’s eyes and the next minute we’re already removing pant. So my period kinda gave us enough window to just chill and play first before the main show. But I was prepared! I’d read well enough and prepared my body; I was ready to explore and enjoy.

You know that feeling when you’ve been holding something in for so looooong and you can finally let go?

Ah! Yes.

That was it.

What specific things did you do to prepare?

I changed my diet three months to the wedding. I ate a lot of libido boosting foods during the time. Then like a week to the wedding, I started eating goron tula. I bought different Kayan Mata stuff.

Didn’t you care that people portray these things as being evil?

Nope, because they’re not evil. Kayan Mata literally means ‘load of a woman’. Yes, some vendors are fetish and do bad stuff with Kayan Mata. But Kayan Mata isn’t meant to make your man love you more. Kayan Mata is not meant to make your man give you more money. Kayan Mata is also not meant to make your man stick to only you. Kayan Mata is meant to make you more pleasurable. They are herbs, spices, perfumes oils, creams and all that make it easy for you to enjoy sex while also pleasing your husband.

One of the things I used was a steaming stool. It is as the name implies: a stool you sit on while steaming your vagina. You can either steam with water or smoke. There’s a steaming incense you burn. The smoke from the incense helps remove unpleasant odors and reduce discharge. The spices and herbs inside the incense also helps to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and make it firm and tight. Then there’s this Tsimi drink that sets you in the mood and makes you horny. Then there’s ayu oil that is like a lubricant. It makes the sex more greasy and longlasting.

Basically, depending on your need and what you want from your sexual experience, there are different Kayan Mata products you can opt for.

Were you eating any specific kind of meals?

No. There were some ingredients I included in my diet, like ginger and garlic. I reduced sugar to the barest minimum and switched to honey. Then I ate a lot of pineapples, watermelon, cucumber, banana, tigernut and dates.

Did this help?

You know, I really can’t say if it helped or not because I hadn’t been sexually active prior to all that so I might not know if there was a difference in using those things. But if I’m to go by all the things I’d read about first time sex, or not enjoying sex for the first few months after marriage and all… then I can’t relate.

That means the first experience was lit?

Yup. I wanted intimacy to be more than sex. We both had to enjoy the act so I’d prepared my mind to make it as beautiful as possible and trust me, it was awesome! I can remember after the first time we had sex, I was just smiling like a fool and he kept asking me why I was smiling. I couldn’t even properly put the feeling into words but I know I was genuinely happy

That’s so beautiful

There’s this book I’d read. ‘5 Sex Needs Of Men And Women’ That book opened my eyes to a lot of things, beyond the physical aspects of intimacy, I knew what my husband’s needs were and I communicated mine to him as well. After all the rough play I went and fell inside pregnancy.

LMAO. Ah.

But on a serious note, I think pregnancy just gave me a wider playing ground. As opposed to other stories I’ve heard of pregnancy affecting the sex lives of women, mine is the opposite. Before I got pregnant, sex was like four times a week. And then the long period breaks. But with this pregnancy… with no period or any bastard cramps… Omo! If we have sex only six times a week it’s because I’m being kind enough to pity the man. Otherwise it’s all seven days in the week straight!

I won’t even lie. I like and enjoy sex a lot. A whole lot. And I’m just glad I have a husband that is equally up to it. He makes my happiness his core and that is what I feel every man should do because, naturally it is easy for them to hump in three minutes, arrive in one second and be satisfied. But for women it’s not that fast.

An actual mood. People think that because you’re religious you shouldn’t enjoy sex.

Big lie! Infact apart from anal, which is explicitly haram. You and your spouse can try all the styles in the world! So why shouldn’t you enjoy it? Abegi.

Now that you’re married and pregnant, how often do you use aphrodisiacs?

Apart from my regular honey, pineapple, watermelon, cucumber, banana, tigernut, dates, I only take goron tula or any other one when I feel like it. It could be once in a month sef.

The thing is once you’ve successfully gotten used to eating all these things that are natural libido boosters, your body is already adjusted and whether or not you take aphrodisiacs, you’re always set for action. But there are some other things I just naturally follow. For example, I don’t walk barefooted in the house because I believe there’s a connection between the vagina and the feet. I always use warm water to wash up because using cold water to wash up kills your sex drive gradually.

With the way I’m wired now, aphrodisiacs or not, sex for me is always a hit back to back.

How did you even discover aphrodisiacs in the first place?

This internet o. And then there’s this group I’m on where they talk about everything from searching for a life partner, to child bearing and all. So we learn a lot.

Do you think your sex life would have been different if you didn’t discover aphrodisiacs?

I don’t think so. It’ll still be the same. I’ll still like sex very very well. From the time I decided to keep myself from having sex till marriage, I’d consciously told myself that I wanted to enjoy having sex as much as I enjoy eating food.

So I think I was psychologically prepared to just do whatever to have fun while at it. Even if there’s nothing to boost your sex drive, I believe with the right emotions, a spouse you find attractive, and an open mind, you can actually have a fulfilling sex life without aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiacs would just be like the frosting on the cake for you. Some cakes taste even better without frosting.

Haha. Now that’s the quote of the year. Do you think your sex life will change after having your baby?

Nope. I don’t think so. Maybe frequency would reduce because there might not be so much time, but ain’t no baby stopping my shine in the bedroom. In fact, I’ve stocked up on enough condoms just in case we’re scared of falling pregnant again when the baby is barely a month old.

I’ve heard a lot of people say ‘sex would be the last thing on your mind when you have a child’. ‘You’ll be overwhelmed with caring for your baby.’ ‘You won’t enjoy it because you’ll be thinking of your baby,’ etc. But I’ve already started telling myself otherwise. Yes, caring for your child can be overwhelming but I won’t neglect myself. It is so easy to totally forget about yourself when you have a child because your whole world revolves around that child but I’m not going to neglect myself in my instinct to meet my baby’s needs. Self-sacrifice is a beautiful and noble thing but all things are best in moderation. Neglecting myself would not be good for me or for my baby. So as long as I need to eat well to be able to breastfeed, I also need to have sex to relax my nerves so that I can be a better mum

Sissss. You’re preaching. Last question – how would you rate your sex life?

10/10. Even though marriage has its ups and downs — there are some things that we disagree on sometimes — but that sex part of marriage? We’re super hyped! I pray that several years from now with more children and more responsibilities, we’d be happier than we are now with our sex life.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

This story contains distressing information. Reader’s discretion is advised.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who waited till marriage to have sex for several reasons which include religion, her size and the fact that she was sexually abused by her aunty for years as a child.

At what age did you start getting curious about sex?

My introduction to sex was weird. I can’t remember when exactly I became curious about sex, but when I was about seven years old, an aunty they brought from the village to stay with my family started abusing me sexually. She molested me for over seven years. It continued till I was in JSS3.

According to the UN, one in four women is a victim of sexual violence before they’re 18.

Wow I’m so sorry.

That’s not all. When I was 10, I had three almost-rape experiences. The first experience was with my cousin when I went to my grandmother’s. I managed to escape that. The other two were with random people. I clearly remember that one happened when I was walking back from school. The guy cornered me and started to grope me. I calmly told him I was coming, that he should let me drop my stuff at home and I’ll come back to meet him, then I ran.

There were other experiences. There was a time I was in a bus and the conductor told me that if he had my type at home, he would be sucking my breasts every day. I was 10. 10 for goodness sake. Then there was a time I went to make my hair and a man saw me dozing off. He said, “Is it that uncle did not allow you to sleep at night?” I was so confused. My hairdresser shouted at him, she told him I was only a child. I didn’t understand until I was much older.

I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. Did you report any of these to your parents?

No, I didn’t. With my aunty, I genuinely enjoyed it, so I didn’t really know that it was wrong until much later, after it ended.

How did it end?

I went to boarding school, so I wasn’t around much.

Do you know how this experience affected you?

It formed who I was for the greater part of my life. For a very long time, I thought I was “lesbian”.

That’s interesting. Was it just because of your experience with your aunty?

No. Throughout the time she was molesting me and even while I was in the university, I was not interested in or attracted to any man, or anyone for that matter. I just assumed I was a lesbian with zero interest in these things. When I knew that that wasn’t the way lesbianism worked, I just assumed that I had a problem.

It was not until I met the man who is now my husband, shortly after university, that I felt some kind of attraction to the opposite sex; I couldn’t comprehend my feelings for him. The first time I was alone with him, I got really wet. I was scared and literally couldn’t move for one hour. He asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t know how to explain. It was strange and I was terrified.

Was he the first person you made out with?

Yes, he was. I was 22 and I went to his office to visit him. He is much smaller than I am, so he sat on my lap and we made out.

Why do you think it took you that long to make out with someone?

Well, a lot of things. First, there was the ‘not being attracted to anyone’ thing. Then there’s the fact that I have always been a big girl. All those lewd comments from men when I was younger? It was because I was big and looked older than I was. And you know the way society treats fat women. It affected me a lot. I didn’t want anyone to see me close-up. So, the first time he took off my clothes, I was like, “Are you sure you want to do this? Because it’s all packaging on the outside.” Then he said, “Are you joking? Do you think I saw you and thought you were skinny?”

It took me a while to come out of what I felt about my body.

So, when did you have sex for the first time?

Five days after my wedding.

Oh wow, why?

Because I was really stressed during the wedding and my period came two days to the wedding.

Why didn’t you have sex before the wedding?

I was born in a Christian home. When I was 11, I made up my mind that I wouldn’t sleep with anyone until after my wedding because of something a pastor once said. So for context, my mother got pregnant with me before she and my dad got married. Then one day, a pastor said that God does not ‘see’ children conceived out of wedlock. That messed me up for a very long time because I felt I wasn’t seen by God.

After several years, I realised that what the pastor said didn’t make sense on any level. So I decided to base my decision to wait till marriage on my own faith and the fact that I wanted to just have sex with one person for the rest of my life.

Wow. Were there no temptations?

There were oh. My husband and I dated for about three years and it was very difficult, because his top two love languages are physical touch and quality time. He had been in a lot of relationships and had been sexually active since he was like 13.

So while it was easy for me, it wasn’t easy for him. Before we got married, we pretty much did everything except the actual sexual intercourse. There was even a time at the beginning of our relationship I blocked him, just to avoid him. Haha. But he is also a very understanding person. So we worked through it.

What were your expectations about sex before you had sex?

Before I met him, I had no expectations, because I didn’t plan to have sex or get married.

Did this have anything to do with not being attracted to anyone?

Yes and no. Tbh, I just felt no one really liked me or would like me enough to marry me — being big and all. I thought anyone who liked me would just have sex with me and go. The classic ‘use and dump’. I didn’t want that. So I had plans to be single for the rest of my life.

But after I met him, my expectations grew because he had a lot of experience. The expectations were very high, and they were not cut short at all. Sex with my husband is perfect. I haven’t had bad sex with my husband ever. I thoroughly enjoy it. Sometimes, it’s all I can think about. On most days, I have more than 7 orgasms; it’s that great.

That’s amazing. How long have you been married?

Almost six months now. We have sex three to four times a week. People say when you’re married you’ll have all the sex in the world, but the truth is when we get back from work, we are tired most times. If we can’t have penetrative sex, we try to engage in other sexual activities. We have more time on weekends.

Do you think a few years down the line, the rhythm of your sex life will change?

Probably. Of course things might be different when we start having kids — at least until we find how to make it work. But we are still learning about each other’s bodies and have even decided to hold off on having children.

Right now, we do everything to spice up our sex life. Nothing is off the table. My husband likes risque type situations so we have had sex in his office with other people around, in the car, in several car parks and some other places I can’t even mention. We also plan to incorporate sex toys very soon. It helps that there is no shame or judgement on anyone’s preference(s) between us.

After everything you’ve been through, what are your thoughts on sex now?

There’s a lot of misinformation about what sex is or what it should be. For example, I was very prepared for my first time to be a very painful experience but it was not painful at all; I didn’t even bleed. He took about 30mins to fully penetrate and this made it so much better for me going forward. I have learned to just ignore people because they talk based on their own experiences. I block everybody out and own my own experiences.

Given how the sexual abuse you experienced as a child affected you, do you sometimes wish you had said something?

Yes. I still want to. I have a young sister and I would love for my parents to learn from my experience and pay more attention to her.

Do you ever regret not experiencing much sexually until you got married?

No I do not. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything. I just wish I wasn’t adulting while trying to explore my body sexually because I am constantly exhausted from work and traffic. I heard my 30s would be better sha, so I’m looking forward to that.

How do you rate your sex life, on a scale of 1-10?

10/10 definitely.

We stan, girl! Get those orgasms.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old gay man who didn’t have sex for years after getting kito-ed — a term for being set up and extorted by a straight man pretending to be gay.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was 13 in JSS 3, and there was this guy that had been bullying me since JSS 1. We were in the same class, and even though I became voted class captain, that didn’t stop him from making my life a living hell.

So, there was an evening I went to lock up the class and as I was leaving, I saw him at the door waiting for me. I immediately began to panic because I was sure he was there to rough me up like he routinely did.

I tried to run out of the class, but he cornered me. I recoiled, expecting him to hit me, but he didn’t. He just pulled me close and kissed me. Even though I hadn’t had any sexual experience before that, kissing a boy immediately felt right.

Oh? What happened next?

We made out until we eventually had to leave the class. For the rest of the night, my mind was whirling. I had a ton of questions, but not necessarily about kissing a guy, it was more about why the person that had bullied me for years suddenly switched on me.

Was that the moment you realised you were into guys?

I’d actually had my suspicions before then. In JSS 2, I was inexplicably drawn to one of my very popular classmates. I didn’t know or understand why, but in hindsight, I clearly had a crush on him.

There were also other instances that made me know I was different. While boys my age talked about girls incessantly, I could only ever see them in a platonic light. I guess that’s why I wasn’t thrown into a well of confusion about my sexuality after the kiss.

What happened with the bully?

It turns out bullying me was just his messed up way of trying to get my attention, because he turned into a completely different person after that. We became romantically involved, constantly making out and jerking each other off.

We did that until the end of the term, and by the time we returned to school after the break, he’d completely moved on from me. I was so heartbroken. We’d gone from enemies to lovers to strangers.

Ouch. So, when did you end up having sex for the first time?

Funnily enough, when I was in secondary school, I didn’t realise guys could have sex. There was a guy I dated from SS 1 to SS 3, and all we ever did was make out, give each other head and jerk each other off. I had no idea penetrative sex was an option.

Then one day in SS 2, I was hanging out with some gay friends and they were all talking about their sexual exploits. I was so confused. That was the first time I ever heard about anal sex, and I was absolutely horrified.

I eventually suggested it to my boyfriend, and we decided to give it a shot. We didn’t get very far because the pain was unimaginable. That pain stayed with me for a while, and I was really afraid of ever trying again.

What changed?

Well, it was in my first year at university that I finally gave it another shot. One of my coursemates, who I became fast friends with because he’s also gay, introduced me to a guy. We immediately clicked, and we made plans to meet up again.

When we finally met up, he wanted us to go all the way. I was apprehensive, but he promised to be gentle. I reluctantly agreed, and to my surprise, it was a much better experience. I barely felt any pain.

So, you began having more sex?

Not for long. A little while later, I had an experience that traumatised me for a very long time. I was set up and extorted by someone I liked, and that made me very apprehensive about getting with guys.

Seriously? What happened?

I had a gay friend at a different school, and we’d occasionally meet up to hang out. One day, we were hanging out at his friend’s place, and there were a bunch of other guys there too.

I wasn’t sure if it was a gathering of just gay guys and I didn’t ask, but I was into the guy who owned the place. We were making a lot of eye contact, so I became convinced that he was into me as well.

I think the first mistake I made was not telling my friend that I was going to make a move, mostly because I didn’t want to hear his disapproval. Anyway, I found a way to get close to the guy, we talked for a bit and I eventually collected his number.

Then what?

We were chatting for about a week, and he invited me back. So, I went to his house, we talked for a bit and started making out. Next thing, he was getting me out of my clothes. I noticed that while I’d gotten completely naked, he still had his shorts on.

Whenever I tried to take off his shorts, he’d evade my hands. I was still young, so I didn’t think anything particularly shady was happening. Next thing I knew, his door — which I figured he’d locked — swung open and a guy stormed in.

Holy shit.

Yup. The dude came in screaming, “HOMOS”. He was slapping us around, but even while I was panicking and begging, I began to notice that I was the one getting the brunt of the beating.

Whenever he focused on the other guy, it just seemed like a shitty fight sequence in a bad Nollywood film. That’s the moment I began to suspect that something shadier was going on.

The guy then said we’d have to settle him or he’d report us to the police. I initially believed that he would, but whenever my cries got louder, he’d tell me to keep quiet. That’s when I realised that he didn’t actually want any attention being drawn to this.

So what did you do?

Well, I started shouting louder and getting more dramatic with my pleas. He started panicking and asking for what I could drop. I told him I didn’t have anything, and since he’d already taken my wallet, I said he could keep that.

I also suggested that we go to the bank to withdraw more money, but he refused. The more I realised that he didn’t want to expose himself in any way, the less scared I was. He ended up just taking the money in my wallet and throwing me out.

I was very bruised, both physically and emotionally. When I got home and replayed everything in my head, that’s when I became 100% sure that the guy had set me up. I texted him to confront him, and while he denied it, I didn’t believe him.

Fuck. I’m so sorry.

Yeah. That’s when I learnt that it’s quite common for queer people in Nigeria. Homophobes pretend to be gay men so they can extort their victims by blackmailing or physically harming them — they are called “Kitos”.

Most of the people I know who have been victims of this always talk about how they not only have to deal with the pain and trauma of what happened, but they also feel a lot of shame. I was so ashamed that I never even told my friend about it.

Source: The Initiative For Equal Rights’ 2019 Human Rights Violations Report Based on Real or Perceived Sexual Orientation or Gender Identity

Did you ever see the guy again?

A few years later, I did. He entered a bus I was in and immediately he saw me, he looked really ashamed. Before he left the bus, he apologised and admitted that he was in on it. At that point, it was already buried, and I wasn’t interested in rehashing it.

I know that some people have had even worse experiences. I hear some stories and I’m completely heartbroken. I was even lucky — I was still able to protect my identity. A lot of people get outed in situations like that.

How long did the experience stop you from attempting to hook up?

I can’t say how long exactly, but I definitely stayed away from the hookup scene for a long time — somewhere between a year and two. It even began to affect my relationships with strangers. I was very jumpy around everyone I didn’t personally know.

I wasn’t interested in going out or meeting people. Everyone who wasn’t already a friend felt like a threat to me. So, it didn’t only stop me from having sex, it also affected my ability to foster new relationships.

Do you think you’ve completely shed the fear?

Yeah, I think so. I was young when it happened, and I’m much older now. If anything, as years have passed, I have moved from fear to righteous anger about the fact that I or anyone in the gay community should ever have to deal with something that traumatic.

What’s your sex life like these days?

My sex life is satisfying. It’s pretty active, and it helps that I’m very openly gay. So, I’m less restrictive when I see a guy that I like. If I get the vibe that he is into guys too, I make my move. My friends call me a hoe, but I don’t think I am.

So, what’s your opinion about sex now?

As I was coming to terms with my sexuality, I was also coming to terms with how much I actually enjoy having sex. Immediately I stopped letting other people’s opinions dictate how much sex I should be having, I’ve been a lot happier.

Since I don’t feel ashamed of my sexuality or my sexual appetite, no one can shame me for it. So, even when people — from friends to past lovers — try to slut-shame me, I just laugh it off and own it. I consider it a signifier of my liberation.

You’ve had past lovers slut-shame you?

Yeah. For some context, I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve slept with. There are names and faces I don’t remember. So when I was on a dating app, chatting with a guy I’d apparently hooked up with years before, he got really offended that I couldn’t remember him at all.

That’s how he went off, talking about how “loose” I am. Then he said that since I’m a bottom (the receptive partner during anal sex), I’m meant to take it easy and not be jumping around from bed to bed.

I was so offended because it just reeked of heteronormative sexism. Since some people consider bottoms to be the “women” in gay relationships, we are not expected to explore ourselves sexually. Thankfully, I don’t believe in that stupid dynamic.

Good for you. So, how would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’d give it a solid 8. I can’t say a 10 because I’m not having as much sex as I would have preferred, but I’m still quite content. While I’m not out here juggling multiple hookups, I’m certainly not starved.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 40-year-old woman who didn’t have sex until she got married. She’s been with her husband for 20 years and has never enjoyed sex. Now she looks forward to divorcing him and exploring sex outside of marriage.

When was your first sexual experience?

I didn’t have sex until I was married. Before I got married, I didn’t do much making out with my husband. We didn’t call each other boyfriend and girlfriend then, but we knew we were ‘seeing each other’. We had known each other since we were children. Then one day, before he went away to university, we kissed for the first time and that sort of became the beginning. Every holiday after that, we would make out in his room. No one really suspected anything was going on. Everyone already called us husband and wife, so it was only natural that we got married, which we did after I finished university.

How old were you?

I was 20 and he was 24.

But why didn’t you have sex before marriage?

It was for a lot of reasons. Lack of opportunity was one. We made a lot of plans to have sex, but they never worked out. His house was always full of family. Mine too. Hotel was an option, but I didn’t want to have sex just anywhere for the first time. Then there was religion. Because all the plans to have sex didn’t work out, we just concluded that God was preventing us from having sex. Haha. Finally, we decided to wait when we knew we were going to get married.

What were you expectations before you had sex?

Well, I knew sex would or should be great. I read a lot of books and magazines about ‘how to satisfy your husband’. So I was actually prepared.

And did it meet up to your expectations?

We didn’t have sex on the first night because it was our first night in our new home — we both moved directly from our parents houses to our new home, so we didn’t have a lot of furniture and beddings in place. In addition, we were just tired.

When we did have sex, it wasn’t fantastic. I had read a lot of books about ‘sex’, but none ever really addressed a woman’s orgasm. So I didn’t know that women could actually orgasm from sex. I spent time doing everything to please him and he spent time doing everything to please himself. And after, I just thought, this doesn’t feel right.

That doesn’t sound exciting.

No, it wasn’t. I mean, back then, I was happy that I could make him happy. I was doing everything I could so that he wouldn’t ‘look outside’. My father was a serial cheater, even with the three wives he had. Because my mother was the first wife, I assumed she was the one who dropped the ball in bed, in her dressing and in keeping the home and that it was for these reasons my father was cheating.

It’s silly, but I don’t blame myself. That’s what all my aunties and even the books and magazines were saying. That you had to do everything you could to satisfy your husband or he would cheat on you or beat you. So in my first few months of marriage, I had the impression that I was the best wife ever.

How did that change?

The babies started coming. My husband is one of those people who pride themselves in being good, but isn’t really good. So when I found out I was pregnant, and even started showing, he started doing more around the house, helping me carry my bag in public and doing the shopping generally.

Here’s the interesting part: he said he couldn’t have sex with a pregnant woman, as if it was an abomination, or I had a disease. I was shocked. I started asking if this was normal. An aunty asked me if I was sure my husband wasn’t fetish — jazz and all. Smh. I consulted my doctor and he said it was safe to have sex.

Did you tell him that?

Yeah. But still, he said he wasn’t doing. So I left it like that, as an ‘amazing wife’ and all.

What about you, didn’t you want to?

I did, but what could I do? It was during my second pregnancy, about two years later, that I discovered that masturbation was an option. And when I discovered masturbation, I discovered that I could orgasm. So I used to masturbate a lot. I masturbated in and out of pregnancy and stopped depending on him to show me affection the way I wanted. It was bliss at the time.

Did this affect your relationship?

Definitely. I should add that, immediately after my first pregnancy, he wanted to have sex, but my doctor had told us to wait for a month. He didn’t want to wait. This was shocking to me. I kept thinking: is this the man I knew from when we were younger? The one who used to do absolutely anything for me? It felt like I was married to a stranger.

Then there were other things like asking me to start gyming ASAP, so that I could lose all the belly fat and become more toned like other people’s wives.

No! He didn’t go there.

He did. Worst part was that I would complain but eventually oblige. I didn’t learn my lesson until my third pregnancy in 2007. I found out after everything I was doing for him, that he was cheating on me. And he had probably been cheating since the beginning. I was hurt, in more ways than I can put together.

Wow. I’m so sorry.

Yeah. I never suspected that he would cheat on me. He was a dick, but we had settled into a comfortable routine. Toxic in hindsight, but comfortable. He was also just a very caring father and a minister in church.

So I approached him with the texts I read on his phone. I shouldn’t have been going through his phone, but I did and that’s that. He begged. I was like nah, I’m leaving with my children. But to where? Jokes. I stayed, but I stopped following him to church. I stopped cooking for him. I just stopped anything that seemed like a wifely duty. When the baby came, he seemed remorseful, and I told him, I’m going to forgive you, but on my terms. My terms included a lot of finance and household things, but at the center of it all was sex.

What did you want him to do?

Oral sex and everything in my fantasy. Role playing, some mild BDSM. One of my friends suggested counselling in her church, that there was a professional, Christian therapist. Lol. Scam. We got there and the guy was using the Bible to solve situations that were clearly outside that realm. So we just managed ourselves, taking it one day at a time.

How did that work out?

Not that good, if I’m being honest. I’ll give him an E for Effort, but even the effort was bare minimum. At some point — I think in 2010/2011 — we just stopped having sex altogether, because it seemed we were not sexually compatible. It wasn’t an explicit thing. It was just quiet. Before you knew it, we started sleeping in separate rooms and we became distant, only talking about things that affected our children. It became worse when the first two went to boarding school. I’d bump into my husband in my own sitting room and apologise for encroaching on his space.

So the problems were beyond sex.

Yeah. But sex was still a big part. That’s why I keep telling my girls to have sex before they get married and explore as much as they can. Of course with protection and safety, but it’s just necessary.

What happened after 2011?

Hmm. We decided to try again. This time, we properly courted each other. We went on dates and all. And it felt good while it lasted. Then I found out again that homeboy was cheating on me. I found out in the most twisted way. My cousin who lived in another state saw him going to a hotel with a woman. She said they were overly friendly and she didn’t feel comfortable about it. I thought my cousin was just being a bad belle. I even told her that it’s because she’s single that she would lie like that. I also told her that she was seeing double, even though I knew my husband was in the state for a work thing.

Then one day, my husband and I went to the end of the year party at his company. I had a little too much to drink and was super horny. So I asked him to just give it to me in the car. Like I made him park the car on the road and have sex with me in it. That’s the wildest sex thing I’ve done with him. And then the next day, I started feeling funky. I went for a test and discovered I had an STD.

Wait, what?

Yes. This was 2012, I think. This time, I was ready to get a divorce. But family members intervened. The only reason I stayed was because I wasn’t financially stable enough to hire a lawyer and start a new life with my children. All this while, I was working as a school teacher and the pay wasn’t much. Again, I decided to stay. The funniest part is, people kept saying, “At least he’s not beating you.” “At least he’s giving you money.” But does he fucking respect me?

That is so so important.

Since then sha, I’ve not slept with or kissed him. We live completely different lives.

Wow. That’s like 8 years.

Yeah.

Do you have any plans to leave him?

It’s in the works. A fool at 40 is a fool forever, you know. I just turned 40 and yeah, I’m ready to start living the life I didn’t live at 20 because I was so caught up in a foolish fantasy of what marriage should be. I was in such a hurry to grow up. My kids are no longer babies, so now is the best time.

What are the next steps?

So, two years ago, I started seeing other people. At first, I was cheating, but then I was like, this doesn’t make me better than him. So, I told him, that it’s like we should open our marriage oh. And he was like God forbid, that it’s not godly. I told him, well, you didn’t you didn’t think about that one when you were cheating. He said, it was the devil and other stories. I wasn’t sha taking any more orders from him. So I explained to my kids in the way that I could and they have been quite supportive.

Do you still live with your husband?

Yes. For now. But I’m moving out soon.

How many people have you dated since you told him?

Three people. I’ve also had proper sex. With the man I’m currently dating, I feel on top of the world. He’s about 10 years younger. My first experience with a younger man. It’s the best experience ever. He gives me head and is good at it. We role play, I orgasm multiple times… it’s the romance I didn’t know I needed.

Super lit. Do you think you’ll get married again?

Maybe. But not now. Definitely not now. Let me just enjoy small. Marriage often changes the dynamic.

Fair enough. How would you rate your sex life?

Maybe 10/10.

Really? I don’t think we’ve ever had a 10/10 in this series.

Haha. Maybe it’s just because of where I’m coming from. Or maybe I should say 9/10. Once I have my own space and I’m free, I know that everything will change. I’m looking forward to that.

When did you first become curious about sex?

How did that happen?

How was it?

What were your expectations before you had sex?

What changed?

Wait… what’s that?

That’s interesting. How did you discover camming?

And you just went right into it?

Did he ever?

How old were you when you started camming?

Did it ever feel uncomfortable?

How long have you been camming?

In this time, how exactly has camming changed your sex life?

Like how many?

Nice. Does NEPA or poor internet stress you?

How do you get paid?

What’s your daily income like?

Have you made up to $1000 a day before?

How is being a live cammer different from, say, opening an onlyfans?

What are the clients like?

Will you tell a new sexual partner about this part of your life?

How has this lockdown/quarantine period affected your work?

Why do you think your income has risen during this time?

What preconceptions about virtual sex work would you like people to throw away.

How would you rate your sex life now on the scale of 1-10.

What was your first sexual experience?

What did you do?

What the hell?

How did you realise?

When did you have sex for the first time?

So, did it help you decide?

Did you enjoy that experience?

Did you ever try again?

Fair. So, what’s your sex life like right now?

When did you learn that you were positive?

What made you decide to get tested?

How did you react to the result?

Why do you think you weren’t shocked?

Alright. What happened next?

Why did you wait so long?

Did your status immediately affect your sex life at the time?

Do you always disclose your status to sexual partners?

What was the experience?

What is that conversation usually like?

How do they typically react?

That’s great. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

What was your first sexual experience?

Wow. Did they talk to you about it?

You had a new sibling?

Haha. You finally knew how babies were made.

Did that decision change along the way?

Were you guys ever caught?

Lmao. What do you mean?

Why did they want to do that?

It couldn’t have been someone else?

So what was freedom like there?

Did you ever have sex?

How many people would you say you had sex with in secondary school?

What happened when you got to university?

Now that you’re married, what’s your sex life like?

Wait what?

Wow. I’m so sorry. Do you think that maybe he’s asexual?

Wait what?

Does that make you question his sexuality?

I’m sorry about that. Are you going to do something about it?

But it’s not just sex, he cheated…

I understand. Right now, do you do anything to give yourself pleasure?

Speaking of Coronavirus lockdown, how are you managing that with your husband?

What about making out?

How would you rate your sex life?

What was your first sexual experience?

Damn. I’m sorry. When was your first consensual experience?

How did the relationship transition from a platonic one to a sexual one?

What happened after?

What’s your sex life like these days?

What went on in your past?

300? Seriously? How did you manage that?

What kind of motivations?

Wait. People used to bet with you to sleep with women?

Did you ever date anyone during this time?