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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old bisexual woman who didn’t start having sex until her late 20s. She talks about getting pregnant after her first sexual experience and how being a single mother has impacted her sex life.

    Single Mother Sex Life

    When was your first sexual experience?

    I had my first kiss with a girl in primary school. It was really just a peck on the lips, but I treasure everything about that first experience. I didn’t kiss anyone else for another decade or more.

    Why did it take you that long? 

    Nothing really. I was studious in secondary school and just didn’t have time for dating and sex. In university, though, it became an issue of religion. I became a devout muslim and started dating my first boyfriend during this period. We fooled around a bit, but never had sex. I didn’t want to have sex — I wanted to wait till marriage. He wanted sex. The pressure became a lot, so we broke up. 

    How did you become religious?

    My parents are both religious, even though they practice different religions. My dad, who’s a Christian, lets us make our own decisions. My mum is a muslim. She raised us to be muslim as well.

    So, in university, I decided to take my faith seriously. I guess I wasn’t listening to the right teachings because in my mind, sex was dirty. I didn’t even really look forward to sex within marriage. I was in a couple of relationships that ended because I wasn’t interested in sex.. 

    When did you have sex??

    I didn’t have sex until about four years ago. I was 26.

    What made you decide you were finally ready to have sex?

    A bunch of different things, but I was beginning to lose my faith and was ready to explore. I went for it with someone I was dating and was practically engaged to. He had been begging me for sex since we started the relationship, but I was adamant. I gave him blow jobs and tried to pleasure him in other ways now and then. 

    What was the sex like? 

    Painful. He said he was experienced, but he didn’t know where the clitoris was. His nails were long and that injured me a bit. The oral sex felt like he was chewing on my clitoris. I endured because I wasn’t sure that my subconscious wasn’t trying to sabotage the experience. The worst part of it all was the fact that his condom must have broken. I didn’t know until a few weeks later, when I discovered that I missed my period. That was definitely not part of the plan. 

    Wow. What were your expectations before having sex? 

    I pictured it like in the movies: candles, lingerie and everything so tender and seamless. In reality, it was hot, we were sweaty and my boyfriend’s breath smelled of onions. 

    Did you try to have sex with him again? 

    No. I wanted to be prepared before having sex with him again, so I started talking to people and reading. Unfortunately, before we could try it again, I discovered I was pregnant. I just thought, I’m so screwed. I mean, what were the odds that I’d get pregnant?

    Why did you feel that way?

    Parental expectations. My mother was especially proud of me because I was her model child. I didn’t want to get an abortion because I was scared I’d die. What compounded my fear was how he would react to the pregnancy. I had a hunch that he wouldn’t take it well. I wasn’t wrong. He broke up with me and blocked me everywhere. 

    Wow. How long did you date for?

    A year, but I was pretty sure we would get married since we were in love. 

    That sucks. What did you do after?

    I came clean and told my parents. They were angry at first. Eventually, they came around and became supportive. What hurt them though was that there was no father in the picture. 

    How did having a baby affect your sex life?

    During my pregnancy, my sex drive increased significanly. I started discovering myself and my body. I got so horny several times a day that I resorted to touching myself — something I’d never done before. That’s how I started masturbating regularly. 

    When I became insatiable, I started hooking up with random people I met online for sex —  both men and women. I was having sex at least twice a week. Sometimes three if I got lucky. See, sex became like art to me, something to improve on. 

    It was really fun. It was also a distraction. It worked well because I wasn’t really showing until my 6th month, so no one I slept with knew I was pregnant. Maybe they suspected, I don’t know and don’t care. I was having all the sex I didn’t have before. 

    Wow

    This changed when my son was born. Even though my sex drive was through the roof, it wasn’t easy to just slide back into that  routine — mostly because I’m a single mother. Raising my child alone has really impacted my sex and relationship life. At first, I resumed having sex like once in two weeks. All I had to do was leave my son with my mum and lie that I was going for a work thing. Then we moved and it became hard. 

    How so?

    Hooking up with people when you’re a single mum in your 20s is actually hard. No one wants to date you or have casual sex with you especially not in a room next to the room in which your child is sleeping. There’s a stigma that we just don’t talk about. Or maybe I’m the only one that faced it. I don’t know. There’s the fact that men I hook up with tend to think I want marriage from them and I don’t. 

    My ex knows I have a child, he knows that the child is his —  yet, he doesn’t care. Neither does he have the problem of having to choose between leaving his child with a relative and having a night out to just have sex. It’s me that has to deal with that and most often than not, I’ll choose my child. Even when I decide to drop him with a relative, I have to deal with the criticism that I shouldn’t be having casual sex outside of marriage. I think Nigerians hate women. They don’t want us to have fun. 

    Then there’s being constantly tired and sex not being my cup of tea anymore. I had a dry spell for like a year. No masturbation, no sex, nothing. I lived through the sexual fantasies in my head. 

    Has this changed yet?

    Yes, to an extent. I’m currently in a relationship. It’s an open relationship. Nothing serious. But I’m having stable sex, so that’s nice. I should mention that the relationship is with a woman—   

    Are you? 

    Bisexual? Yes. And my girlfriend is a single mother as well. So it just works. Sometimes, I can leave my son at home with her and go for a night out, hook up with other women — none of whom care about me or my son. 

    What about sex with men? 

    I’d just rather not. Most of the best sex I’ve had were with women. So, what’s the point? Thinking back to that first experience that got me pregnant feels unfair, especially since I’m the one that suffered it. I love my son a lot, but I regret having sex with his father, If I could go back in time, I would not have sex with him. 

    Maybe in future, I’ll go back to exploring sex with men, but for now, I’m content. 

    So how would you rate your Sex Life?

    7/10? Sex with my partner is great. But it just feels like something is missing and I can’t put a finger on it yet. 

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 22-year-old trans woman who only began transitioning 5 months ago. She talks about how hormone therapy has affected her sex life and why she needed to join OnlyFans.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    My first-ever experience was anal sex. I think I was 15 and he was 29. We’d been talking for a while and we finally decided to meet up. I remember it being very, very painful. I bled all through and it continued for days after. It eventually stopped on its own.

    Damn. Everything about that sounds awful.

    It’s fine. It’s all in the past; it’s actually something I really wanted at the time. 

    Okay. So, when did you realise you were trans?

    I’ve always been very feminine. Growing up, a lot of people mistook me for a girl. That’s not why I believed I was a woman though. It’s just something I’ve always known. I knew I couldn’t be me until I was finally in the right body.

    Does that mean you’ve taken medical steps to transition?

    For me, transitioning is about becoming my most authentic self, not changing into someone I’m not. I was never a man. I was just a beautiful woman trapped in the wrong body. To fix that, I’ve had to alter myself with medication. 

    So, yeah, I’m currently undergoing hormone therapy. I started in January this year. 

    How hard has that been in Nigeria?

    It’s been hard, but not as hard as you’d imagine. The drugs I use were made to provide estrogen for women with hormonal imbalances. So, whenever I go to the pharmacy to buy them, no one questions me. They just assume I’m getting it for someone else. 

    The real hard part is getting the money to consistently buy the drugs.

    So you’re self-medicating? 

    I have to. I don’t think there are any doctors in Nigeria that can or will help someone like me. I’ve had to do a lot of research on my own to figure out the drugs I can take to get what I want. I’m still doing research.

    How’s your family been throughout all of this?

    Well, my family has always known that I like boys, and that’s one thing, but expecting Nigerian parents to be cool with their child transitioning feels like asking for too much. When my mum and older relatives found out, they were very upset.

    Oddly enough, some of my younger relatives have been quite accepting. Even though my entire body is visibly changing, they still see me as me. That’s something a lot of the people in my life have not been able to do. 

    What are some of these changes?

    For the first month, my skin felt very soft; almost like you could pull it off my bone. Then I got used to that. By the second month, my breast tissues started developing, I noticed fat moving to my face and I began losing muscle.

    Then all my body hair started thinning out. The hair on my head is also a lot softer and fuller. I still grow facial hair, but it’s not nearly as much as it used to be and it’s a lot thinner. Even the bumps I got from shaving are mostly gone. 

    So, how has hormone therapy affected your sex life?

    It’s changed it in so many ways. Before I started the therapy, my sex life was very active. I could literally have sex for hours without getting tired. Now, my sex life has totally depreciated. The drugs have really decreased my libido.

    For the first two months on estrogen, the idea of sex totally repulsed me. Before this, I used to follow a lot of porn accounts on Twitter, but I had to unfollow all of them. I just couldn’t deal with seeing people have sex, not to talk of masturbating.

    Wow. Did that change in the following months?

    Yeah. By the third month, my body began to adapt a bit. I started to feel a little horny, but I still wasn’t ready to have sex. At that point, I only wanted to be touched by someone and nothing more. 

    I still don’t know how to explain everything I was feeling, but it was so funny. One minute, I’d want someone to come around and caress me; the next minute, I couldn’t stand the sight of a man in my house. It was a lot.

    Funny enough, it did have a positive effect. It made me more decisive about who and what I wanted. Before all this, I would sleep with literally anyone as long as I found them attractive. With my libido reduced, I wasn’t being controlled by my sexual urges anymore.

    That’s interesting.

    Yeah. Now, the only time I’m outwardly sexual is on Twitter, but that’s just me putting on a show. It’s how I make my money. People that follow my account want to see a trans woman from Nigeria being sexy and sexual, but that’s not who I am in real life anymore. 

    There are a lot of myths people believe about trans women, especially those who watch trans porn. So, people come expecting me to have huge breasts and a big dick that I just want to stick in everything and everyone. 

    These days, simply having and maintaining an erection is a lot of work. That being said, my body has been doing some new and interesting things. I’ve actually been getting double orgasms and dry orgasms, which are really fun and intense.

    That’s incredible. So, how exactly do you make money from Twitter?

    I mostly charge people to do video calls. I rarely meet in person for sex because it’s not safe. I also recently started an OnlyFans page. A lot of people don’t know there are trans people in Nigeria, so whenever they find me, they become curious.

    People kept asking to see me naked, so I decided to make them pay for it. 

    LMAO. I stan. How long have you had the account?

    I actually started the Twitter account before I began transitioning. I had a boyfriend at the time, and we’d make porn videos together and post it for fun. We weren’t making any money from it, but that’s how I got thousands of followers. 

    Now, this is the only way I can feed myself. I can’t work anywhere because it isn’t safe. Simply existing in Nigeria makes me a target for transphobic and homophobic people. So, all I can do is make money from curious people online. 

    That’s awful. What happened with that ex?

    When I told him I wanted to transition, he told me he didn’t want to be with a woman. 

    I’m sorry about that. 

    It’s fine. I used to cheat on him anyway.

    LMAO. So, what kind of clients do you typically get?

    Most of the men that solicit me are straight. For a few though, I think it’s a way to avoid the ‘homosexual’ label. I guess liking dick is not as gay when it’s attached to a woman. Those ones are always fixated on it. They always want to touch it and suck it.

    Does that bother you?

    It used to, but I’m now cool with it. My dick is what makes me different from cis women. I plan to keep it until I’m in my 30s or 40s, then I’ll undergo gender reassignment surgery.

    Alright. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    I’ll give it a 5. I’m still getting to understand my new body.

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s sex life is a 23-year-old man who refused to accept his sexuality for years after discovering he’s bisexual. Now that he’s accepted it, he’s sleeping with older men and getting paid for it. 

    When did you have your first sexual experience? 

    When I was 16, I went to a strip club with my cousin and a bunch of his friends. They’re at least 10 years older than me. It was my first time going to one. It was also the first time I saw a lot of real life half-naked women.

     I was young and naive, but importantly, I was high and excited. I couldn’t sit still even when my cousin paid for a lap dance. I ended up grabbing one of the stripper’s breasts and kissing her against her wishes. We ended up getting thrown out. 

    Yikes. 

    I know better now. After that happened, we headed to a party at someone’s house. It was almost midnight and I had never been out that late before. When we got to the party, I felt out of place. It was clearly not my scene. So I didn’t head in with them. 

    I stayed outside by the car and because it was an estate, I felt safe. I was probably looking at my phone or something when this babe showed up. It seemed she had come from the house. She stood by me and didn’t say anything. She just put her hands down my pants and we started making out. We got into the car and had sex. 

    Just like that?

    Yes. We didn’t even use a condom. Thinking about it makes me feel eerie, like I had sex with a spirit.   

    And you had never had sex before then? 

    Nope. 

    What about making out? 

    Nope. There was a time in church that a babe started to give me head during a youth camp — that’s as close as I ever really got. It didn’t work because someone came banging on the toilet door and we chickened out. 

    How was the sex with the stranger? 

    It wasn’t bad. But it wasn’t great either. At the time, I didn’t know this. I thought It was the best thing in the world.

    What were your expectations before then?

    That everything I saw in porn was true, that I could last 30 minutes before orgasming. My first time really opened my eyes to reality. 

    What happened after your first experience? 

    At first, nothing. While my cousin encouraged me to explore and even invited me to parties where I could meet people, it wasn’t the first thing on my mind. I had a map for my life that I wanted to follow: go to school, study hard, finish with great grades, meet the woman I’d marry, date her the right way and have sex within the relationship. I had been conditioned to think this was the only way from when I was younger. 

    Did things go according to plan?

    Do things ever go according to plan? It started going downhill when I dated this girl in my second year. We met online and had pretty okay sex a couple of times  she came to see me on campus. 

    By the fifth month of our relationship, I was pretty sure we would get married. She knew my passwords, we lived together during weekends and didn’t have any problems. She met some of my siblings and my cousin. Then she ghosted me and broke my heart. 

    Wow. That’s unfair.

    My then-best friend stood by me. He really helped me get through that phase. I moved into his apartment because I couldn’t stand being alone. He cooked for me, did my laundry, basically gingered me back to a better state of mind. 

    One night though, we got into an argument about something quite trivial and in the heat of it, started making out. We ended up giving each other head. It was the most fulfilling orgasm I’ve ever experienced. 

    Fun thing is, I didn’t know that I was attracted to men before then. When I think about it now, I know that there was sexual energy between us in that house, but back then, I didn’t know or realise what it was. 

    Really?

    Yup. I also didn’t know that my best friend was bisexual before that experience. We talked about it the next day. He told me that he had always been attracted to men and women and that he’d always thought I was gay. 

    Because I was an idiot, I was offended by that and went back to my place. Alone, the experience kept replaying in my head. I had internalised a lot of homophobia, so I hated myself and had suicidal thoughts. I felt very dirty.

    That sucks. 

    It took me a long time to accept that I was as attracted to men as I was to women. But by then, I had already lost my best friend. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of; I sent hateful messages to him, blocked him, outed him to some of our other friends. It was a dark time. 

    Have you tried to make amends?

    I’m still trying. But I understand if he’ll never forgive me. 

    How did discovering your sexuality affect your sex life?

    I stopped having sex at first. Then I started having a lot of sex with any girls I met. Then I stopped again. Just weird things like that until I accepted my sexuality and moved forward.

    How were you able to accept your sexuality?

    I opened up to my cousin and he told me that I was perfectly normal, that being queer didn’t mean something was wrong with me. I also told my sister and she was so loving about it. I didn’t expect that because most of my family is religious. 

    I guess the fear of not being accepted by my family played a role in the hate I had for myself. 

    What’s your sex life these days?

    Certainly not boring. Last year, I interviewed with a really small business and thought I did pretty well, only for the interviewer who’s also the owner of the company to tell me that he’s not going to employ me to work for his business, but that he has other ways I might be of use to him.

    Something in me told me to run at that point, but I wanted to hear more. This man runs his business from his home, so we were in his home office having this conversation. This man — a family man complete with a Sienna, who is in his late 40s — led me to his room. He asked me if I was interested in what was about to happen and I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me. He smiled. We made out and had sex. 

    Wow. How was it?

    Incredible. It was my first sexual experience with a man and I felt quite liberated afterwards. 

    Did it stop there?

    He gave me some money and gave me a date and time to come back. I went there every other week to have sex with him after which he’d give me money. This only lasted a month or two, before he said he wanted to introduce me to his friend. 

    I won’t lie that this felt strange at first. When I met his friend, he told me he only wanted ‘the company of a young person’. I don’t know how that translates to head because that’s what he was asking for. 

    He was also a family man; I could tell even though we only ever hooked up in hotels. The money was a lot more than the first man’s, even though it wasn’t happening as regularly. That was basically how I started sleeping with older men for money.

    Would you call it sex work?

    I’m not sure, because it’s really not structured. I’ve never thought of it. Maybe it is though. I don’t care. All I know is I have a set of clients — mostly married men — who I offer sex and other sex-related activities and who give me money in return. 

    Like how much do earn after one hookup?

    It really depends on the client. Their mood afterwards is what determines what they give me. I’ve not tried to negotiate because doing that feels like I’m making it work and I’m scared they won’t give me. The highest I’ve earned is $1000 though and it was just head.

    How many clients would you say you have?

    8. 

    What about women?

    I haven’t had time for sex with women. When I’m making money from sex with men. Haha. But seriously, I’m actually in the talking stage with someone I like. I don’t know if it’ll go anywhere. 

    Does she know you’re bisexual?

    Yes! I won’t even think of dating anyone who I have to hide it from. 

    Would you tell her about your men?

    If we decide to date, maybe. We’re not there yet, so it’s none of her business. 

    Fair. How would you rate your sex life?

    I want to say sex that gives me money is ultimately a 10, but if I’m being honest, my sex life is still a 6. I honestly think that if I’m in a committed relationship, it could be better.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old queer woman who, after agreeing to an open marriage, realised she is primarily attracted to women. She talks about coming out to her husband and embracing her new reality.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was 13 and it was with my best friend. We were in JSS 3. One day, we were talking about boy problems, and we just started kissing. From then on, we met in the same spot almost every day to make out. The crazy thing is: we never actually acknowledged it.

    Did it ever go beyond kissing?

    We attempted scissoring with our clothes on, but we really had no idea what we were doing.

    How did it end?

    It never officially ended. When we finished secondary school, she left the country and that was it. I haven’t seen her since then. We reconnected two years ago, and we occasionally chat and send each other flirty messages. 

    It was even recently that we had a proper conversation about what happened between us. We acknowledged that we were actually in a relationship, but we just didn’t know it. Due to the lack of representation at the time, we didn’t understand that women could be together in that way. 

    So when did you have sex for the first time?

    I was 19 and it was with a 23-year-old woman. I went somewhere with my colleagues, and I met her. We hit it off and exchanged numbers. We chatted for a bit, and a few days later, she invited me over to her place.

    We had amazing sex, and to this day, I still consider it to be one of my best sexual experiences. 

    Had you been with any men at this point?

    I hadn’t been sexual with a man at this point, but I’d dated a few guys. 

    Why weren’t these relationships sexual?

    I had this entire purity thing going on. I was raised catholic, so I was saving myself for marriage. It’s ironic, I know, but it was important to me at the time. So, I had these romantic relationships with men that never became sexual.

    That didn’t stop you from sleeping with a woman?

    No, It didn’t. I grew up believing that sex didn’t happen unless it was penetrative. So, at that time, I didn’t actually think I was having sex. It was only much later that I realised that wasn’t true. 

    Wow. So, when did you first have sex with a man?

    That happened when I was 22 or 23. I just got tired of waiting.

    Was it good?

    It wasn’t at first. The first couple of times were terrible, but it eventually became quite enjoyable. We were together for a few months, but the relationship ended really badly. After him, I went back to being born again.

    Really?

    Well, kinda. After the breakup, I left the country for my education. On my first night abroad, I had a one-night stand with a woman. A few weeks later, I met the man who would go on to be my husband. We dated for 4 years and didn’t have penetrative sex once.

    We only used to make out and dry hump each other. However, that was only constant for the first two months of our relationship. After that, it became a real struggle because I lost interest in doing those things with him.

    Did you know why at the time?

    I blamed it on a bunch of things, but I mostly thought it was my sex drive dipping as I got older. We still went ahead and got married, but it only got worse. It was always him wanting to have sex and me not being interested. 

    Oddly enough, every time we did have sex, it was always great. My orgasms were very intense. Still, I never wanted to initiate it. He would push for sex, and I would always come up with one excuse or the other.

    How often would you say you were having sex?

    Probably once every three weeks. 

    Damn.

    Yup. Things remained like this until we decided to have an open marriage.

    Interesting. How did that conversation come up?

    I never used to believe that you could be attracted to multiple people at once, but when it finally happened to me, I spoke to my husband about it. He was very open-minded and the conversation was so easy. 

    By the next day, we had agreed to open our marriage. Granted, we had a few rules in place.

    What were the rules?

    The most common one: No emotional attachment to other people. Also, no sleeping over — no matter where either of us were or who we were with, we had to return home and spend the night together.

    That’s sweet. So, how has this arrangement changed your sex life?

    Well, my first two flings after the agreement were with men. That’s actually when I realised I no longer wanted to date men. So, I began to exclusively date women, and everything just fell into place.

    Wait. What?

    Yup. Opening up my marriage helped me accept the fact that I’m primarily attracted to women, so my husband and I are currently separated. We still talk, he’s basically my best friend, but our marriage is over. 

    Holy shit. How exactly did you make this realisation?

    It was about a year after we opened up our marriage. I was dating this girl at the time, and I just loved being with her. The sex felt easy and natural. I suddenly became very protective of that experience. 

    Typically, my ex and I would come home and share our experiences with each other. This time around, I didn’t want to share it with him. In my head, that would have minimised the experience. That’s when I began to really think about my sexuality. 

    How long before you opened up to your ex-husband?

    It took me about four or five months to have this conversation with him. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. We both knew what it meant for our relationship, so we cried a lot. I still live with the guilt of breaking his heart.

    Do people know why you and your husband are separated?

    Yeah. A lot of the people who are close to us — mostly our friends and siblings — know why we really separated. He even told his mother about it. So, yeah, my sexuality is not some big, shameful secret. 

    That’s awesome. What’s your sex life like now?

    It’s pretty great. I’m in a relationship with a woman and we have really mindblowing sex.

    Is it the same woman you made the realisation with? 

    Nope. Funny enough, that relationship fizzled out really quickly. This is a different person.

    So, what’s it like fully embracing your queerness?

    It’s awesome and liberating. I feel like I’m finally living truthfully. I’m really just impressed with the person I’ve become. I like that I’ve grown, and in spite of all the homophobia, I’m still able to exist loudly and boldly. 

    That’s wonderful. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    I’ll give it a 9. I would really like to be having sex with more people, but right now, it’s just one person.

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old lesbian who just came out of a long-term relationship. Now, even in the midst of a pandemic, she’s exploring her sexuality in ways she’s never done before.

    When was your first sexual experience? 

    I was 13. I used to go to school with this neighbour. Sometimes her driver would take us, sometimes, my mum would take us. We became close and began to hang out after school. One day, she came over to my place and we were watching TV. Midway, she asked if I had ever kissed anyone and I told her I hadn’t. She asked if I wanted to kiss her and I said yes. So we kissed. 

    How was it?

    It was great. Before then, I wasn’t really about sex or anything. I had my curious phase, where I watched porn and read erotic novels. I lost interest in them when I realised that they didn’t exactly mirror my fantasy: sex with a girl. 

    When I looked around, all I could see were heterosexual relationships: wives and husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends. I never saw myself with men and felt nothing for them. I told myself maybe when I got older, I’d see the world differently. That never happened. 

    You’ve always known your sexuality?

    Yup. I don’t remember ever thinking that I was something else. I had my first crush on someone who used to babysit me. I was about 4 or 5 and she must have been 18 or so. I remember always thinking that she was so pretty. I was always sad to see her leave. 

    It didn’t help that I have always had some sort of distaste for men. 

    How do you mean?

    My dad left me and my mum for another woman when I was really young. My mum was really upset about it for years. She would curse him and curse random men like a reckless driver on the road or someone being stupid at the supermarket. She said men were good-for-nothings.

    After the kiss with your neighbour, what happened next?

    We kissed a lot more. My mum was always happy to leave us alone together, so we spent a lot of our time kissing and touching each other. We never had sex though. After about a year of just kissing (and never really talking about the kiss) her family moved. 

    We promised to keep in touch and we did over phone calls. I remember it was a landline we used to speak to each other back then. After a while, we began to drift. I remember that there was this week that she didn’t pick my call or call at all. 

    When someone eventually picked, her brother rudely told me that she didn’t want to talk. I was scared that something had happened to her, so I kept trying. For years after, I couldn’t make friends. When I was old enough to get a Facebook account, I searched for her, stalked her, but she kept airing me. 

    Wow. So she basically ghosted you?

    It’s now I know the name for what she did. 

    Did you ever get closure?

    Not really. But stalking her, I realised that she was now very ‘Christianly’. It took a while, but I pieced the puzzles together. She probably realised that to be queer was a sin under her religion, so she cut me off. That’s what I think. It’s a hunch. I know she’s married now and has kids.. 

    Okay. When did you do anything sexual after that?

    Maybe when I was 16 or 17. With a guy. I had to pretend to like boys sometime in secondary school. Being ghosted really fucked me up and classmates began to think I was weird because I wasn’t all about the pleasing boys life — which, in my opinion, was what most of my classmates were doing in the name of sex. They also used the word ‘lesbian’ as an insult and that hurt a lot. 

    So I gave in once and made out with a guy. I don’t know if the guy was simply poor at kissing or if it was just me, but the experience was disgusting and I promised myself never to indulge in such again. 

    Did you?

    Just once recently — a few weeks ago, actually. My opinion remains. It wasn’t an enjoyable experience either — and this was with a friend that most people consider a good kisser. 

    What about with women?

    In uni, I decided to start making moves. I joined dating platforms and other social networks. I’m really shy, so making moves in person was a no for me. One day, I met someone in school and we hit it right off immediately. That same night, I was in her apartment making out with her, but I told her I wasn’t ready to have sex. 

    Why?

    I wanted my first time to be special and having it felt like sex with her at that time was going to be like having sex with a stranger. We eventually had sex a few weeks later and it was nice. 

    Just nice?

    I expected it to be great, so I was disappointed. 

    Did you tell her?

    No. I just assumed it would get better. She seemed to enjoy it though. I didn’t want to be that person. 

    Fair. 

    Since we weren’t exclusive, I tried to meet more people on social media. That was how I met my ex. We went on dates for like a year in order to get to know each other before we made out or decided to be exclusive. 

    With her, the sex was explosive. She actively asked for what I wanted and tried to make me comfortable. Funny thing is, I was the one who initiated sex first and she said she thought I’d never ask. That sort of made me realise that I needed to start speaking up about my needs. 

    True. So how’s your sex life these days?

    Quite interesting. Me and my ex dated for a long time. We broke up early this year after I found out that she cheated on me with different men and women throughout the time that we were dating. I never knew. I had my suspicions, but I’m not a confrontational person and I hate coming off as jealous.So I just left it.

    How long did you date for?

    About 4 years. While the breakup had been a long time coming, Covid-19 just heightened it. Just before the lockdown, we were talking about something Covid-related and I asked her out of the blue: ‘Have you been cheating on me?’ She didn’t deny it. But the shalaye-ing just made me realise who and when. That was all I needed. We parted ways and I moved in with a friend. I was busy feeling sorry for myself while the world was occupied with Covid-19. 

    I started thinking that if I died from Covid, I would have only ever enjoyed sex with one person and only had two sexual partners in my life. I got this urgency to start looking for people to sleep with. The person I was living with tried to convince me that the Covid period wasn’t the best time to do this and she had a point, so I let it go. But not completely. Thing about me is, once I get an idea, I become restless until I find a way to execute it.  

    Some risk. 

    I know. I didn’t let her (my housemate) rest until she hooked me up with a babe in the building. When I got there, the babe’s friend was there too, so we had a threesome.   

    Wow. 

    I thought I was dreaming. Apparently, my housemate knows a lot of people in her area, so she consistently hooked me up with people. Almost every other day of the lockdown, I was meeting up with someone new. Sometimes, all we did was make out, sometimes, we had good sex. 

    After the lockdown was lifted?

    Not as much, but I was having sex with the babe in my building and someone else in the area.  

    Weren’t you scared of getting infected?

    I was. At some point, I had a scare, but it was nothing. Thing is, during the lockdown, we were all home, with limited contact with other people. If I had to go meet them, I drove, used facemasks, etc. They are mostly people who work from home and mostly have no contact with people on a daily basis. I screen potential partners for possible contact with the outside world before going in. 

    How many people would you say you’ve slept with since?

    At the least 15. I’ve made out with more. Honestly, I’m not keeping count. The lifting of the lockdown has slowed me down because of community spreading, but I’m hopeful that once this phase passes, I can unleash my inner beast. 

    LMAO! Has this helped you in any way get over your ex?

    Just a little. Can’t say that I’m no longer hurt. 

    What has your experience as a queer person living in Nigeria been?

    Tedious. Especially when I was in a relationship. Even though I’m a very private, quiet person, I would’ve liked the option to flaunt my partner when I wanted. Our relationship was a big secret, meanwhile, our straight friends could display affection publicly and our straight male friends could have as many partners as possible. We often got harassed by men — strangers. Even now, I only get asked about a boyfriend/husband. Never a wife. That stresses me. Friends have been abused, hurt, kito-ed. It’s hard. 

    I’m so sorry. How would you rate your sex life?

    Pure vibes. 

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who’s been cheating on her husband for the past year. She talks about their total lack of sexual chemistry and why she feels no guilt.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    Does masturbation count? It should, right?

    Yeah, it does. 

    Ok. I think I was about 7 years old. I just remember taking a nap. I guess I was moving around in my sleep a little too much and it just… happened. It felt really nice, and I was immediately curious to know what it was. 

    That’s interesting. What about your first experience with another person?

    I was 9 or 10. It’s weird because I don’t really think of it as sexual. I had this friend, a girl, and we’d just masturbate together. It was like an activity we bonded over. I didn’t actually do anything consciously sexual with anyone until I turned 16. Then I had my first kiss. 

    What about sex?

    I was 17. Once I had my first kiss, the floodgates basically burst open. I remember being determined to lose my virginity. So, I had sex with my first boyfriend. I don’t even remember whether I enjoyed it; I only remember it being painful. 

    I actually didn’t go into it with any real expectations — I was mostly just curious. I’d been reading all those romance novels that promised fireworks, but I already suspected that wasn’t going to be the case. So, I wasn’t surprised when it wasn’t.

    Why were you so determined to lose your virginity?

    I think a part of me just wanted to feel normal. Growing up, most of my friends were obsessed with boys, but I was never really like that. I mean, I thought boys were cute, but I didn’t care that much about them.

    Then I fully started feeling abnormal when I turned 16. All the girls around me liked boys and were kissing them, so I decided to try it. After kissing a boy for the first time, everything else seemed a little less intimidating. 

    Fair enough. Do you remember the first time you actually enjoyed sex?

    I was 24, and that was probably my fourth or fifth partner. He was a bit older than me — he was 32. At that point, I was more confident and knew my body a lot better. A lot of the sex I’d been having before was just me letting men do whatever they wanted. 

    Before him, I’d had a bad incident — one I’d rather not get into — and I took a hiatus from sex. So when I was ready to have sex again, I had a whole new perspective: I was determined to always be in full control.

    What’s your sex life like these days?

    Well, I’m married. The marriage has been failing for a while now, so my sex life has been non-existent within it. I’ve been cheating though, so outside of the marriage, it’s been pretty exciting. 

    Oh wow. Was sex with your husband always bad?

    It was just ok. That was actually one of the issues we had while we were dating. So when he brought up marriage, it was one of the biggest red flags in my head. I just wasn’t that sexually attracted to him. The sex was consistently mid. 

    It’s weird how someone can be perfect in every way, but the chemistry is just not there.

    Did you ever tell him?

    Yeah, I did. After he proposed, I was having doubts. One of the reasons I gave him was our poor sexual chemistry. Funny enough, I wasn’t even that convinced it would be a big deal at the time, so it was easy for him to reassure me.

    I’d heard that sex becomes mid in marriage anyway, so I started wondering if it was worth ignoring all the other good things about him just because the sex didn’t slap. I really shouldn’t have ignored my concerns. It became much worse after we got married.

    How long were you together before you cheated?

    Three years. I got married at 27. When I turned 30, I was just like, ‘Fuck it’. 

    So, it was a conscious decision?

    Yup. Very. I’m not one of those people who acts like they don’t know what they’re doing when they do it. I definitely made a choice. I also suspected he was cheating as well, so I didn’t feel really bad about it.

    Oh? Did the suspicion play any part in your decision to do it?

    A little bit. I felt like he had opened up that door by cheating, so it was all fair game. It wasn’t even a case of me trying to get back at him. More than anything, it just helped me move past the last mental hump.

    Alright. So, who did you end up cheating with?

    The first time was with an ex — one of those shoulda-coulda-woulda type of exes. We had a silly falling out when we were young and dumb, but we reconnected. It was initially just friendly, but I definitely knew where it was heading.

    Aha. How many people have you cheated with since him?

    Three more people. I’m in the midst of my fourth now. 

    Do you see multiple lovers at once or one at a time?

    Lately, it’s been one at a time, but that’s been purely coincidental. Before I got married, I was capable of seeing multiple people at the same time. I always had a hoe-tation, but it wasn’t to be cool or anything. 

    I don’t look for the same things in different people, so I can’t get all my fixes from one person. I guess I should have known it would be difficult for me to be married. But lately, it’s been one person at a time. Anything else would just be too much work.

    Has it been hard to get away with it?

    It hasn’t been that difficult. I don’t have kids and I also have a very active social life, so I kind of come and go as I please. There really isn’t an extra amount of movement that could raise suspicion. 

    I just use my friends to cover up. I hang out with them so much that if you’re not paying attention, you won’t notice anything off. I also try not to lie too much, save for a few lies of omission. So, no, it’s not been hard.

    I think people typically get caught because they are in super love affairs. It’s not like that for me. I’m cool with not seeing or speaking with my lovers for a while. I’m not trying to sneak out in the middle of the night just to see someone’s face. 

    So, it’s just about sex for you?

    No, it’s not. It’s more than that, but I’m just being realistic. I’m married and I know it’s not going to be easy. So, what’s the point in making a love connection with anyone? That being said, I’m friends with all of them. We have great conversations. 

    Sometimes they want more, but they know what it is. I’ve actually had a lover end things because he wanted us to get serious. In my experience, men have proven to be a lot more sensitive than they pretend to be. 

    What else do you get from these relationships?

    They allow me to explore what I’m into. I spent the early part of my life having sex just for the sake of it, and when I started discovering myself and what I liked, I ended up in a marriage with a man I have little sexual chemistry with.

    Now, I’m in my 30s and I fully know what I want. I’m curious about a lot of things and I just want to try it all. Being with these guys gives me the opportunity to do that and I am not ready to give that up.

    Do you still have sex with your husband at all?

    Nope. We haven’t in almost 2 years.

    Did you ever get confirmation that he was, in fact, cheating?

    I did actually. I confronted him like I was already sure and he admitted to it. I played the whole hurt, angry wife bit, but inside I was like ‘YES!’

    Does he know that you are cheating?

    He doesn’t. At least, he doesn’t have any proof. He has an ego. He thinks he is the only one who gets horny, has needs, or can have casual sex. He was probably more careless about his infidelity because the consequences are not as serious for him.

    He doesn’t suspect, even though you haven’t had sex in years?

    Well, around the time we stopped being intimate, I was making excuses about not liking sex anymore. I was tired of faking it. So, I think he just believes I’m no longer into sex. 

    Before I started cheating, I even tried to bring up the possibility of an open marriage, but he wasn’t having it. Nigerian men are always on some hypocritical bullshit. This guy was already cheating on me when I asked, but he wanted to eat his cake and have it too. 

    Would you say sneaking around makes the sex better?

    Actually, I think it reduces the quality of it. I know some people find it exciting to sneak around, but I hate it. I hate being told what to do and I hate not feeling free. It makes me feel caged. 

    It also always feels like I’m rushing — like I’m always checking the time. I hardly get the chance to be in the moment and just enjoy it. I don’t get the opportunity to just laze about all day with a lover.

    That makes sense. Is the sex with them good though?

    Sex has generally been better since I turned 30. I’m a different person. I know what I want and I can teach people how to please me. It’s been good. But, if I’m being honest, I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% into sex with men.

    I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never had really amazing sex — I’m still waiting to have that mind-blowing experience. I’ve just never felt the fireworks women talk about, and that’s probably why I’ve never been dickmatized. 

    Have you ever tried being with a woman then?

    No, I haven’t. I’m really curious though. I always wonder if the issue is that I’m gay and I just don’t know it yet. I mean, I find girls attractive, but I don’t think I’m gay. Is it even possible to be gay and not realise it until later in life? I don’t know. 

    I think so. Do you have any plans to leave your husband?

    Yeah, I do. I actually tried to leave a year ago, but it was a shitshow. I was upset about all the cheating, and I wanted a separation, but our families were on my case, hounding and harassing me until I backed down. 

    They made me feel evil for wanting to leave, and it was clear I would have no support. I don’t really need their financial assistance, but it still sucked. But I sort of made up my mind earlier in the year that I was leaving anyway, and then coronavirus happened. 

    Oh shit. How has that affected all of this?

    I’m stuck at home with a man I don’t want to be with. Due to the lockdown, I can’t really find a new place and move, which was my plan. The virus has actually put things into perspective for me. 

    So many people have lost their lives. Life is short and none of this crap matters. I just want to be happy. I actually almost snuck out to see a lover one time, but I didn’t go through with it. Don’t want to get coronavirus just because of sex. 

    Do you ever feel guilty about this entire situation?

    No, I don’t feel guilty at all. I’ve clearly tried to leave, we don’t have sex anymore, we barely even interact, but I’m still expected to stay for the sake of optics. Nah, I can’t feel bad for doing the only thing that makes me feel sane in the midst of this madness.

    Also, every time I cheat on my husband, I feel like I’m pouring liquor on the sidewalk for all my sisters who constantly get (and accept being) cheated on by men. I’m evening the score. 

    LMAO. Ok. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    I’d say a 6.5. I’m technically not allowed to freely explore my sex life like I would like to, and even the sex I am having isn’t blowing my mind. But it’s good enough for now, so I’ll give it a 6.5. Is that like a C? 

    I think that’s a B.

    Well, a B- or C+. That’s where I’m at right now.

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who was in a heterosexual relationship for almost seven years and engaged to be married when she realised she was queer.

    When did you have sex for the first time?

    That was back in secondary school. I was in JSS 3 — boarding school — and was 13/14. It was with a classmate and it was just there. I don’t think I enjoyed it, and I don’t think he did either. Still, we went about telling people that it was the most amazing experience ever. 

    LMAO. Why did you do that?

    Sex was this cool thing everyone was ‘supposedly’ doing. If you weren’t having good sex, you weren’t cool.

    Didn’t you think you were a bit young?

    In hindsight, I feel that I was. But before then, I was already dry humping and making out. Sex seemed like the logical next step. I am just glad that we had enough sense to use a condom. 

    Fair enough. After that, what happened?

    Sex became fairly consistent. I left boarding school, but I was still having sex with friends. I used to sneak boys in all the time. I wasn’t even doing it to enjoy sex, I was doing it to be cool.

    Seriously?

    Story of my life. There was the stigma that came with it though — getting slut-shamed —  but I was in this clique of girls and sex was what we used to score cool points with each other. On two occasions, my mum caught me and it became a problem. 

    How?

    I was taken to church for prayers. 

    LOL. Ah. 

    The pastor and his wife prayed to cast the sex-hungry demon in me. I remember the pastor’s wife saying that it was because of girls like me that the genitals of baby girls were cut off at birth. I didn’t know what female genital mutilation was then, but I looked it up and I was so scared. I begged my dad not to let my mum take me there again. 

    All of that stopped when I went to a university far from home. My uncle worked there. I had a dry spell in my first few months and thought that perhaps the prayers had worked; the demon was “exorcised” and that was why I wasn’t really interested in sex. I know better now sha. During that period, I was raped by my cousin — my uncle’s son. 

    Wow. I’m so sorry. 

    He’s not. He insists I consented to it. I told my aunty when it happened. She told me that my mum had told her all about my ‘escapades’ and that even if me and her son did anything, it was because I seduced him. She called me a liar and made me move into the halls of residence — which was best for me to be honest. I had more liberty and less fear that I was going to be raped again. 

    In my second year, I found love and started dating for the first time ever. 

    How old were you?

    About 18. When we started dating, we decided to take it slow. I told him what happened with my cousin and how I wasn’t ready to have sex yet. He was quite understanding, so I really didn’t suspect that he was getting it elsewhere. I was so naive. I eventually found out that he had given one of my roommates an STD —  or she had given him. I don’t remember. 

    Wow. 

    We broke up. It was a tough pill to swallow. So I decided that the next person I dated was getting sex. 

    Yeah? 

    I met my second boyfriend a few months before I turned 19. There was or is a pattern because they’re both light-skinned, tall, a few years older and Igbo — not to slander Igbo men — but I clearly have (or had) a type. 

    And my type was a cheater.  

    He cheated on you too?

    Not at first. The relationship was smooth. The sex wasn’t regular because we were in school and there weren’t as many opportunities. But we lived in the same area back home. So most holidays, I went to his house on weekdays. It wasn’t life-changing sex, but it was satisfying. I finished uni, he met my parents and marriage seemed to be the next thing, but it didn’t feel quite right to me. So I told him I wasn’t ready. He hit me.

    Like he physically hit you?

    Yes. He was angry that I wasn’t ready to get married. I returned to my parents house and vowed never to go back to his place. His parents, my parents, our friends — everybody — begged. My mum kept asking why I wanted to throw away four years of my life with him, all because he slapped me. She made it seem so ordinary. She told me he beat me because he loved me. Hahaha. 

    What’s funny? 

    I believed her and took him back on the condition that we couldn’t get married until I finished NYSC. And just like that, I played myself

    What happened?

    He slept with my sister. 

    How did you find out?

    There’s living proof. My nephew. 

    Wait. Wow. How did your family handle this? 

    My parents don’t know that the baby belongs to him. I don’t know what she told them, but they don’t know till date. For some reason though, she felt the need to come clean with me and beg for my forgiveness.  

    My mum wanted me to get married and then pretend the baby was mine. What eventually happened was, my sister went to live with a distant relative. And me and my ‘fiancé’ continued our relationship as if nothing happened. 

    You forgave him?

    I only recently forgave him. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s cheated on me more than once. Sometimes, I see little kids and imagine he’s their father 

    Yet you stayed with him?

    I did. I want to say that I was young and didn’t know better. I want to blame everyone, including my mum, but it’s all on me. 

    Are you still together? 

    I’m not even sure whether to say yes or no. After almost 7 years in the relationship, I started reading and paying attention to other people’s romantic and sex stories and my life just felt incomplete. Especially my sex life, I felt like I was constantly having sex to please other people — not even just the person I was sleeping with. 

    What did you do with that realisation?

    First, I told him that we had to break up, that our relationship didn’t even make sense and hadn’t made sense for a long time. He beat me up. 

    Damn. I’m sorry. 

    I was actually hospitalized. To put things in perspective, I wasn’t able to really enjoy sex with him after I found out he slept with my sister. But after he hit me this time, I knew I was done. My dad took police officers to arrest him, but they later released him after family members intervened. 

    After his release, he told me that he wasn’t going to let me go and that we could go on a break, but that he knows I will come back. Half of me feels he might be right. 

    Oh no. How long have you been on this break?

    Almost 6 months. 

    What did you do next?

    In late December last year, I joined a dating site and met a slightly older woman. I wasn’t specifically looking for someone of the same gender. It just happened and I ran with it. On the first meeting, we made out. On our second meeting, we had sex in her house. I didn’t even know how or what to do. It just came so naturally. It really felt like I had been suppressing a part of myself and after the sex, it opened up. I’m actually happy for the first time. I’m having good sex. It feels like a clean slate.

    Did you ever have any same sex attraction growing up? 

    I did. But I assumed that all women had that. It didn’t seem like a big deal. 

    So would you say you’re bisexual? 

    Maybe. But I’m not a fan of tags. I am queer. I know that. But what if I’m lesbian? I don’t want to sit in one box and believe that’s who I am. And I’m reading about several other identities that exist on the spectrum. Who knows where this new part of my identity that I’ve discovered will lead me. 

    How would you rate your sex life then?

    A solid great. 

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old gay man who has been making porn for the past two years. He talks about earning six figures a month, navigating Nigeria’s homophobic laws and how the pandemic has affected his business. 

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I had my first real experience when I was 18. Growing up, I always knew I liked boys, but I didn’t actually understand what I was feeling. For the longest time, I assumed I was the only one in the world who was drawn to people of the same sex. I was sure I had a problem. 

    Granted, when I was younger I fooled around with other boys, but I don’t really count those as sexual experiences — anyone could have done that. I even fooled around with a few girls. Since I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time, I don’t think those encounters matter. 

    Fair. So, what happened when you were 18?

    I had just gotten into university and I was finally feeling like a man. I was taking a walk and a random guy tapped me on my shoulder and asked to talk to me. He was much older than me —  probably in his early thirties. 

    I was apprehensive because I didn’t know him, but he said he just wanted to have a harmless conversation. I eventually agreed. I figured that since he was old enough to be my uncle, he must have meant well. 

    I went with him to a recreational park and while we were walking, he started telling me how cute I was. It felt nice to be complimented, so I thanked him. He didn’t stop there. He then said he loved me — barely an hour after meeting me.

    WHAT?

    Yup. I was so confused. Not just because this stranger was professing love to me, but because he was a man professing love to another man. I made my confusion very apparent to him, but he didn’t believe I was actually that clueless. 

    I was a slightly effeminate teenager, and I guess that’s why he assumed I was already aware of my sexuality. It took a lot of convincing, but he eventually believed that I really didn’t know what he was talking about.

    All this time, we were walking deeper into the park. When we got to a more secluded area, he asked if I’d ever given a man head. I said no. He immediately whipped out his dick and asked me to try it. I was a bit taken aback, but I knew I wanted to do it. So, I did. 

    What happened next?

    We exchanged numbers after I was done and got together a couple more times. Whenever we met up, we’d make out and give each other head, but we never had penetrative sex. That happened about a year later with an entirely different person. 

    How was that experience?

    I’d actually rather not talk about it. The experience was traumatic for me. 

    That’s ok. So, what’s your sex life like these days?

    Lmao. This is a loaded question for me. I do porn, so it’s a two-way street. My work IS my sex life, but not the entirety of it. So, when you ask me about my sex life, my brain isn’t sure how to make the distinction.

    Wait. Let me try. Shooting homemade porn makes up the better part of my sexual encounters. So, whenever I get horny, I immediately think about shooting another video. Having sex just for the sake of sex now feels like a waste of time and money.

    That’s not to say it doesn’t happen. Sometimes, if I really like someone, I’ll have sex with them without turning it into a video. It’s very rare, though. These days, I even reject advances from people that don’t seem like they’d be down to make a video. 

    Oh wow. How long have you been in porn?

    Almost two years now.

    What made you decide to start?

    When I found the porn side of Twitter and saw people from all over the world expressing themselves sexually, I was inspired. I’ve always loved attention, so I decided to get some. I first started off by posting nudes. The reaction was nice but limited. 

    Then one day, I was having sex with a friend and he suggested we make a video. We did and I posted it on Twitter. The reaction was great — lots of views, likes and comments — and I got really excited. That’s how I started making more videos and it took off from there. 

    Did you always plan to make money from it?

    Nah. It was initially just for fun. I liked the attention and the fact that people were hitting me up for sex. It wasn’t until a little later, when I noticed just how much attention I was getting, that I started looking at it as a potential business opportunity.

    How did that go?

    It was a struggle. I tried selling my videos to various porn sites, but that didn’t work. Then I tried using OnlyFans and that didn’t work either. I almost gave up at some point, but I enjoyed making porn too much to stop.

    So, I just decided to focus on growing my fanbase on Twitter instead. Then a few months later, a friend who knew I was struggling to monetize told me to try a platform called SubscribePlace. I did and it was a perfect fit. That’s the site I’ve been using ever since. 

    Wait. How big is your Twitter fanbase?

    I have over 30,000 followers from all around the world. People seem to really love homemade porn. 

    Damn. How much do you make from subscriptions in a good month? 

    I make around six figures.

    Impressive. Is it hard to find people to be in videos with you?

    It’s not hard, but it’s tricky. There are a lot of people in my DMs asking to be in videos with me, but considering just how dangerous Nigeria is for queer people, I always have to be very cautious about who I agree to meet up with. 

    Whenever someone DMs me and I’m interested, I do a ton of research on them before I decide to make a video. So, it’s not hard to find people at all, it’s just hard to decide which of the many options available can be trusted.

    What else do you do to stay safe? 

    First of all, I wear a mask in all my videos — concealing my identity is the most important thing. I also never shoot videos in my house; I always use hotels. I wouldn’t want someone to recognise my place and call the police or something. 

    How do you typically shoot a video?

    All I really need is my phone, my tripod and my scene partner (or partners). However, there are times I need an extra hand to help provide more angles, and I get someone I trust to shoot. That is rare though. I usually just handle it myself.

    How long does a regular shoot last?

    About 3 to 4 hours for an hour-long video. So, my shoots are typically overnight — to allow for breaks.

    Smart. Has anyone ever offered to pay you for sex?

    I actually have a side gig that covers that. I’m also a massage therapist, and I give clients happy endings (concluding the massage with a handjob) if they request it and are willing to pay more. So, you see why I said my work life is almost the entirety of my sex life. 

    Yeah. Have you been in a serious relationship since you started?

    No, I haven’t.

    You don’t want to?

    I’m actually very open to being in a serious relationship, but the person has to fully accept what I do. As you can imagine, that’s very hard to come by. So, until I can find someone like that, I’m more than happy staying single. 

    How would you say making porn has changed the way you think about sex?

    It hasn’t changed much. Whether there is a camera or not, sex is still sex to me. I still have to feel connected to the person to enjoy it. The only major difference now is that I’m rarely interested in doing it if it’s not going to bring money into my account.

    How has the coronavirus pandemic affected all of this?

    It’s been both good and bad for business. For the past two months, I’ve made a lot more money than I used to make. That’s been particularly surprising because I’ve haven’t been able to post as much content. 

    For all of April and the better part of March, I didn’t post one new video, but I got new subscribers. I guess the old videos are still doing their work. But, I’m not sure how long that will last. I’ve already lost a few subscribers who got tired of waiting for new content. 

    That sucks. Before the pandemic, how often were you making videos?

    About 3 to 4 times a month. I just hope this ends soon, so I can get back to it. 

    How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    I’ll give it a 10.

    Oh wow. We rarely get 10s.

    I mean, I make money off of doing something I love. What could be better?

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old heterosexual woman whose obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) has affected her ability to have sex, explore and maintain romantic relationships.

    Obsessive compulsive disorder

    When did you first become curious about sex?

    When I was 19. From the moment I could tell what sex was — which was when I was about 10 or 11 —  I told myself that I was never going to take part in it. This wasn’t even about waiting until marriage. I just found sex flat-out disgusting. But when I finished university — at 19 — I felt like I’d wasted my life playing it safe. ‘So what if it’s disgusting’, I asked myself. ‘Do people die from it?’

    Do you know why you found sex so disgusting?

    When I was 10 or 11, I watched a porn clip at my cousin’s house. It just seemed so dirty, so painful and generally too much. I stopped watching it immediately and subconsciously decided to never do it, even though my cousin kept insisting that it was nice and she couldn’t wait to grow up and try it. 

    So, why did you feel like you’d wasted your life at 19? 

    Lots of things. But the tipping point was answering an essay question on my Masters application: “What’s the most interesting thing you’ve done recently?” I know they didn’t mean it in a sexual sense, but it got me thinking about my life in general. I had played it safe in a lot of different ways and I was tired of being safe. I had never even made out with someone at 19, when my younger sister at 16 was making out with different boys on the regular.

    Wait. You had never even made out?

    Yeah. Saliva irritates me. My relationships never lasted because I wasn’t interested in making out. At some point in university, I just decided to stop dating. There was no point. 

    Damn. 

    Yeah. So when I decided I was ready to stop playing it safe, I started reading about sex. Funny thing is, I didn’t read a lot about the actual act once I realised the number of diseases I could get once I started having sex. These things never really clocked before, but reading the articles online, I started wondering why anyone actually engaged in sex at all, given all the risks. 

    As I was reading, I remembered that porn clip I’d seen years ago; in my head, I was the woman. I couldn’t break away from the thought. I tried, but I couldn’t. When I finally could, my body felt sore; there were goose pimples all over me and I was so irritated. I instantly went to take a bath. 

    Wow. That’s interesting.

    It felt pretty normal to me back then. I didn’t realise or think too much about it until I went to school for my Masters. I was telling a classmate who wanted to be housemates that I don’t think I can live with anyone because I’m a clean freak. And she asked, “Is it that bad?” I told her about how I didn’t eat my mother’s food because I just wasn’t sure how she made it. 

    I told her that I scrubbed my house clean every other day. This is a whole ass story on its own, but, thinking now, I should have suspected that I had obsessive compulsive disorder. But nope, it didn’t click. Not even when this classmate I was talking to brought it up. I was like, that’s white people stuff. She’s white, but wasn’t offended. I immediately apologised though. I was quite ignorant. 

    So you have OCD?

    I do. But I didn’t know this for a few years after. After that conversation with my classmate, I went to research OCD, but I dismissed the possibility. I told myself I didn’t have it. A few months later, I met someone who I liked in class. We spoke for a while and then I invited him over. I really wanted to have sex. Everyone was going on and on about sex and I wanted to know what was so special about it.  Then we started kissing and I suddenly felt like throwing up. It was so embarrassing — I did throw up, first on him and then in the toilet.

    Oh wow. I’m sorry. 

    I felt awful. I didn’t come out of the toilet for long until he left. Then I just took a good long bath and washed my mouth. Ask me if I stopped there. 

    Did you? 

    Nope. I invited him over again. Told him that I’d had a bad case of food poisoning. I apologised. Before he came over again, we flirted a lot. He told me all the things he wanted to do to me and I started to look forward to it. I got a lot of beer — even though I didn’t drink — because I wanted to be a little tipsy while having sex. 

    Did it help?

    Yeah. It did. That and blindfolds. I just had to wear blindfolds, I didn’t want to see what was happening. I made sure he wore a condom too. 

    How was the sex?

    It was good. Not great. Good. I spoiled the mood by crying when I came. I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t explain why I was crying. It completely killed the mood, so he went home after. I then decided that yeah, maybe sex isn’t for everyone. So I didn’t bother again. 

    Has that changed?

    Somehow. Being diagnosed really helped. While I told myself, “maybe sex isn’t for everyone”, it was simpler to say than to believe. I truly felt like I was abnormal. I’ve had people tell me to go see men of God. Not just because of the sex, but due to my all round fear of stuff. Identifying the problem and getting on medication has helped. 

    How much has medication improved your sex life?

    Only a little. So I started taking medication three  years after school. And because I started to feel less anxious and obsessive about stuff, I decided to try dating again. I went on my first proper date at 24. I didn’t tell him I had obsessive compulsive disorder at first, so he took some of my nervousness as first-date-nervousness. When I did tell him about my OCD, he was so kind. He’d do things to make me comfortable like take his bath and brush before and after sex. We only had sex at my house, never at his. I really liked him, so I also tried to let my guard down, to meet him halfway. 

    How was the sex?

    Really good. Great actually. I curl my toes every time I think about it. The first time was great because the head he gave me was amazing. I enjoyed kissing him. Subsequent times were good, but that first time? I’d kill to have it again and again. Unfortunately we broke up for something unrelated.

    Did the relationship last a long time?

    8 months.That’s my longest relationship till date. Second man walked away when I told him I had OCD. It was subtle, but I knew that was why he was no longer interested. 

    That sucks. 

    Not as bad as the one guy who wanted me to go down on him in the thick of the moment even when I explained that I just couldn’t. For context, he already knew that I had obsessive compulsive disorder and that while my symptoms had reduced due to medication, I still couldn’t stand a lot of things.

    He acted like he  understood, but when I refused to go down on him, he forcefully made me give him head. He probably would’ve raped me if I didn’t start crying at some point and his erection died. 

    I’m so sorry you had to experience that. 

    Yeah. I see people romanticizing OCD all the time, but they don’t know the half of it. All this I said is just about sex, but what about going out in public? Hanging out with friends? There are so many things I want to do but can’t do just because of this thing. I want to be able to explore, to date and be happy. But I can’t. 

    I’m so sorry. So you’re currently not dating? 

    Not after what I experienced with that guy. I mean there’s someone in my life, but I don’t know if it’ll ever become more. Sometime late last year, I started experiencing a side effect of my OCD medication: lack of interest in sex. It occured at the same time I’d wanted to start exploring masturbation. But it just wasn’t happening. 

    So I went online to read about this. It is a common side effect. In the course of doing that, I somehow learned about cognitive behavioral therapy and how  beneficial it was. So it’s basically like exposing me to my triggers and then learning how to deal with those triggers. My dad actually paid for me to go abroad to begin treatment but then Rona happened. 

    Eesh. Speaking of Rona, here’s a question unrelated to sex: how has Coronavirus affected you?

    It’s been super crazy. The lockdown started in March, but I haven’t gone beyond my street since mid-January. Every time my parents or siblings go out, I use the safety guidelines used for health workers on them. I clean almost every day too. On the other hand, it has also pushed me into learning how to manage my symptoms. I don’t respond to every single fear. I deactivated my Twitter, so it suddenly feels quiet in my head. I journal and do yoga. I recently ordered some dildos and I’m hoping that I’ll actually be able to explore masturbation soon.

    That’s good to hear. 

    Thank you. I know your next question is how I’ll rate my sex life, but the truth is I don’t rate it. I hope it gets better when I start CBT. I’m not very optimistic, but we’ll see. 

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual man who has been polyamorous for about 2 years. He talks about dating multiple women at once, his insatiable sexual appetite and his adventurous streak.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    Does kissing count as a “sexual experience”? I suppose it should, right? 

    Yeah, I think so. 

    Alright. So, that happened when I was about 10. I kissed one of my crushes in secondary school. In hindsight, it wasn’t that great, but since then, kissing has been one of my favourite things.

    When did you first go beyond just kissing?

    I think I was in SS 2. It was my first makeout session. Sure, I’d already kissed, but this was different. We made out for a long time. Our hands went everywhere and we tried to explore everything. We didn’t have sex, but that experience was magical to me. 

    So when did you have sex?

    I know this is supposed to be like a landmark event, but I can’t fully remember. I know I was about 17, and she said something like, “big things really do come in small packages’. I wasn’t sure if she meant I had a big penis, or I had a small penis that delivered a big experience. 

    Lmao. Do you remember anything else about the experience?

    I had done some research beforehand, but I was still shocked. I remember how it felt to be inside a vagina for the first time, and let me tell you: tales of its glory were not exaggerated. My goodness. I knew I wanted to taste it right then, but I didn’t ask. 

    You did like proper research?

    Yeah. I was curious and wanted to know what it would be like. I mostly had my raging teenage horniness under control, but the lack of any sort of proper sex education was very frustrating. So, I did the work myself.

    Smart. So, what’s your sex life like these days?

    Underwhelming. Not in terms of the experiences themselves — those have been very good, bordering on incredible — but in terms of frequency. I have a ridiculous appetite, so having sex 4 or 5 days a week is what I’d prefer.

    How often would you say you have it now?

    Maybe once or twice a week. That’s not even a given, because I sometimes go weeks or even months without having sex at all. That, for me, is the worst possible outcome, but I’ve learned to deal with it.

    Do you masturbate to ease the tension during these periods?

    Not always. In my case, masturbation doesn’t ease any tension. If I masturbate and I’m still awake, I get horny again soon after. It actually makes it worse, and I soon start wanting to eat vagina — wanting isn’t even the word, more like craving.

    Wait. Giving head alone would be enough to satisfy you?

    Well, a sexual experience without penetration would not feel incomplete to me. So, yeah, considering how much I love giving head, it would be enough. I wouldn’t use the word “satisfy” though.

    Why not?

    Every sexual experience is enjoyable, but I don’t know if I’m ever satisfied. Like, I’ve never given head to the point where I thought I’d had enough. I can always keep going, but no matter where we stop, I’m fine because vagina tastes good.

    Lmao. Wow. The women you date must LOVE you.

    I’m actually polyamorous (the practice of engaging in multiple sexual and romantic relationships with the consent of all the people involved). So, while I haven’t had much success in the sense of sustained relationships, I’ve had a lot of beautiful experiences. 

    How long have you been polyamorous and what made you try?

    I’ve been actively polyamorous for about two years. I genuinely believe that humans have the capacity to love/experience multiple people as fiercely as they can love/experience one person, so that’s why I decided to give it a shot. 

    What’s the experience been like for you?

    It’s been beautiful, painful, illuminating, difficult and gut-wrenching. There are many times that I’ve wondered if I was simply deceiving myself, and of course, a lot of people have tried to convince me of my foolishness for even attempting.

    When it works, however, it’s like being in multiple, loving monogamous relationships at the same time, which might sound familiar to some, but the “without lying about that fact” is an important difference.

    Lmao. What’s the highest number of people you’ve dated at once?

    Three.

    How was that?

    They all knew about each other, but they hardly interacted. I would’ve liked if everyone interacted, but there was some apprehension. That’s one thing I’ll do differently next time. I won’t try to force interaction.

    I do think there’s a level of ease that comes with that level of familiarity though. Personally, if and when they decide they also want other partners, I am definitely interested in having a level of familiarity with them.

    That makes sense. 

    In my mind, it’s not a competition. It’s not either me or them, so I think the experience would be better for everyone if it feels more like a connection. I’ve never really been a jealous person, so this comes easily to me. I do understand that it doesn’t come easily for everyone though.

    How did you share your time amongst all three partners?

    To be honest, my time-sharing skills were not as good as I’d have liked. Didn’t see some people as much as I did others. So, while I feel like everyone got a lot of my time, I believe the management could’ve been better. I recognize that now.

    What part has sex played in these relationships?

    It’s a big part, like many other relationships. The important thing is getting tested. Regular and consistent testing. Outside of that, sex has been pretty good. As I said, I have a massive appetite, so I can usually keep up with all my partners. 

    Is it easy to convince Nigerian women to try polyamory?

    I actually don’t like to convince anyone to try it. I always want people to do what they think is best for them. So, if someone I like isn’t interested in polyamory, there’s nothing to convince them about. Our relationship doesn’t have to be romantic and that’s okay.

    Nice answer. So, would you say you have an adventurous sex life?

    It depends. My adventures might be quite tame compared to others. Personally, I quite enjoy cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else) and exhibitionism (getting watched while you have sex). Cuckolding is actually fantastic.

    I also love having threesomes. I think threesomes with two guys and a babe are massively underrated. Whenever I get to do those, I also make out with the guy, as well as other sexual activities.

    Really? 

    Yup. I mean, it’s sex and sexual organs are involved. Sexual stimulation doesn’t stop simply because it’s a guy. Also, it’s a threesome. Why rob myself of a pleasurable experience simply because I’m straight?

    Have you tried anything with a guy outside of a threesome?

    Yes, I actually have. I’ve had sex with a guy outside of a threesome, but because I’m straight it didn’t really work as well. Granted, it was still a pleasurable experience, but I prefer being with women.

    Fair. Do you typically sleep with people outside of your relationships?

    Generally, no. When I’m in relationships, I tend to stay within the relationships — only a few exceptions have occurred. It’s not a rule though. I personally don’t care who my partners sleep with. I even love hearing them talk about it. But for me, I tend not to. 

    So, how would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    I’m going to say 6.5.

    Why 6.5?

    8 for quality, but 5 for frequency.

    What would get it up to a 10?

    Some new experiences. I definitely want to try getting pegged soon. 

    Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.