Sex Life | Page 10 of 13

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who has had an active sex life. These days though,he’s tired of having sex with his girlfriend of six years and although he has several theories, he isn’t sure why.

When did you start having sex?

When I was in university. I don’t remember much about the first time, but I remember that I’d lied to my guys that I had had sex in secondary school when I’d never even gotten head. They were planning some kind of sex party and I had serious anxiety — I’ve always had anxiety around women — so I drank a lot before and during the party. I don’t know what I did or who I did it with, but my friends were hailing me the next day. I was so embarrassed and scared? I didn’t drink again for a year.

Did you continue having sex though?

Not yet. The experience made me realise that women or girls are not scary, monstrous people and I can actually approach them. So I became a serial make-out guy.

What does that mean?

It means I was hooking up with women to make out with them. Sometimes oral sex, but not all the time.

Okay. How did that go?

Went well enough, until one babe told me I was a horrible kisser. That crushed my self-esteem. Me that girls were lining up to kiss? Is she mad?

Did you stop there?

Nope. But that’s how I met my current girlfriend. She was my classmate in university, but we didn’t start talking until we got posted to the same NYSC camp. I never used to talk to her because I thought she was like all those fellowship sisters — I’d met a couple of them and really didn’t want to have anything to do with them, even though I was celibate. It was good to have the option to have sex when I wanted to. We got talking and that’s when I realised, ‘Werey dey disguise’.

Haha.

How does Mr Marcaroni say it? “freaky freaky” — that’s the perfect description for her and perhaps what eventually drew me to her. That’s how I learned not to judge a book by its cover. We both served somewhere in the north and on our parade ground, there was a lot of bush. One evening after drama rehearsals, when it was really dark, she gave me sloppy head. She was willing to have sex there, but I told her, “Aunty, wait.” I didn’t want to get caught. We were always doing something every day after that day.

Did you eventually have sex in camp?

Yes. She was supposed to leave camp before everyone else for something and so, the day before, she asked me to give her a parting gift. I bought her lunch from ‘Mammy Market’ and she just laughed in my face and said she would get her gift later that evening. We had sex in her room, she was loud and didn’t care. I kept thinking, ‘Ah! This girl likes danger’. I was actually glad when she left because it felt like fresh air. I was no longer afraid of getting ‘caught’. When you’re constantly doing dangerous things, even when you’re doing ordinary things, you’ll feel like you’re being watched. Unfortunately, I soon realised I missed her.

You had caught feelings?

Yes, I had. Mistake because she redeployed. I didn’t see her for about a year.

Did you see anyone in the meantime?

Actually no. But I paid for sex twice. First time was with my neighbour who used to cook and bring me food sometimes. It was a holiday, I can’t remember which, and I couldn’t afford to travel home, so I told her to make something for us, which I contributed to. When she was done, and brought my share, she said she wasn’t going to give me if I didn’t have sex with her. And I was just like, on top food that I contributed to? I actually did have sex with her and it was okay really. Nothing as explosive as when I had sex in camp. I think it must have been the Christmas period, because it’s Christmas that makes lonely people do crazy things like that. Anyway, that felt like paying for sex? Or paying for food with sex.

And what about the second time?

That one was a sex worker. I’m actually not proud of the experience because it was just bland. I could have stayed at home and eaten eba and experienced the same thing.

LMAO. Wow. What did you do after NYSC finished?

Went to find my NYSC love oh.

Did you find her?

Yes. I did. She was dating someone at first, but that didn’t stop her from sleeping with me. Haha. They broke up shortly after and we started dating. And we’ve been dating since then.

What’s the sex like?

The sex is great. Being in a relationship has made me ask a lot of questions about myself and about life. I don’t think I’m nearly as interested in sex as the average guy my age. It’s a concern for me because my girlfriend is hellbent on having sex as often as possible. She is really invested in sex and how to improve our sex lives, and I don’t match up. It’s a concern for me because we’re talking about marriage and I don’t want it to feel like I’m boxing her up.

How often do you have sex?

In the beginning it was almost every weekend — which was when we got to see each other. Then we moved in together and it became almost every day after work. Let’s say about four times a week — which was healthy for me. There was a period of time we were both jobless at the same time and it was almost twice a day. I was like, ‘Madam, please, take it easy. You wan kill person?’ But even then, I kind of enjoyed the thrill. I enjoyed the roleplaying especially.

Haha. What’s it like now?

We’ve actually fought about it because I’m tired. I’ve told her I want to be celibate. The real reason is I’m just tired of sex. I know for sure that I’m tired of having sex with her, but I don’t know if I’m tired of sex generally — since I’m only having sex with her and I don’t masturbate.

A few months ago, during the lockdown, we almost entered the everyday sex phase. Then I fell sick and it was a great excuse to stop. Now that we’re better and the world has opened up, madam wants it, but I don’t have that strength physically and emotionally and I’m just not interested.

Are you still attracted to her?

Absolutely. I love her very much. I guess, I really just want to take a break from sex for now.

Sounds fair.

Thing is I’ve been feeling this way for a while — even before the lockdown — and it hasn’t abated.

What does she think about your desire to become celibate?

She actually thinks I’m tired of sex with her, or that I want to cheat on her. And it hurts me to see her go through such mental gymnastics, so I’m willing to continue, or at least compromise. I need to do what’s best for me in this situation, sha, because it’s been affecting me at work.

How?

Sometimes, I’m anxious to return home because I’m anxious that we’ll spend a chunk of time having sex. And after spending hours having sex in the night, I’m drowsy at work the next day. I’m pretty sure that I’ll come out of the experience better and ready to have more paced sex. But what if I don’t?

And you’re sure you’re not asexual?

Pretty sure.

So how would you rate your sex life?

The sex we have is great, so 10/10. But the sex life itself isn’t great, so 3/10. I can’t exactly explain it, as you can tell.

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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a lesbian in her early 20s who, after many trysts with boys, discovered her sexuality when she got to university. . After one traumatic sexual experience though, she’s now terrified of sleeping with women.

When did you have sex for the first time?

It depends on what kind of sex you’re asking about. In my head, there’s oral sex, there’s penetrative sex, which can be broken down into vaginal sex and anal sex, then there’s fingering, masturbation and more.

Ah. I see. So what was your first sexual experience?

I was doing some pretty weird things when I was a teenager. I was in boarding school, and we had access to porn because we had personal laptops. I explored with boys in my class. It was often in class, while the teacher was teaching, or in an uncompleted building after lights out. Handjobs, blowjobs and rimming. I used to lick their buttholes like tomtom — I find it absolutely disgusting now, but then I actually liked it. I even tried to finger a few boys in the ass a few times, but they never quite liked it.

That’s interesting.

I never let them kiss me sha.

Why not?

I was just following what I watched in Pretty Woman. In addition to that, I wasn’t attracted to any of them.

So why were you doing it?

I was called a weirdo for doing absolutely nothing. I was also bullied for it. It felt like I was excluded from a lot of circles, so I wanted to do my own thing. We were 25 in my class, and there were about 6 classes in my set. Before the end of JSS 3, I had done something sexual with all the boys in my class and at least half in every other class. But never seniors, because even then, I was hyper aware that my agency wouldn’t exist.

So what happened next?

I kept at that for a long while, then in SS2, I think, I tried anal sex with a new boy in my class. I didn’t want to have vaginal sex because of pregnancy. I knew anal sex was going to be painful, but I was like, “Isn’t that what all the white women are doing? Us here that we’re used to pain and suffering nko?”

How did it go?

It failed. I didn’t know that lube was important to make the process seamless. The guy too, ode, he didn’t know anything. So he forced it in and it was painful. I told him to bring it out quickly. I didn’t know when I started speaking Yoruba.

LMAO

Omo, I was so scarred by the experience that I just went back to normal handjobs and all.

Had you kissed anyone at that point?

Nope. Weirdly. Someone forced me to kiss him when we were having oral sex and I was like, isn’t it enough that I’m kissing your dirty penis, you now want me to kiss your mouth? I don’t count that because it wasn’t consensual.

True. When did you eventually kiss someone?

University, and I had just discovered that I liked women, not men. Which is interesting because that was about the time I started taking my faith seriously and started covering. It started slowly, but by mid-first semester, I was already wearing a hijab. Discovering religion is a story on it’s own. Things were falling apart and it began to feel like it was my fault.

Sha, sha, that’s how I used to have serious religious discussions with this babe who was my course mate. And one day, we were lying down side by side on her bed, and she began to trace lines on my skin. Everywhere on my body lit with serious fire and goosebumps. I had never experienced anything like it. She didn’t even start from my face. She started from my thighs and worked her way up. When she kissed me, I kissed her back; I liked it a lot.

Mad.

We started dating immediately, but I was still very conflicted about the entire thing because I had been with boys and those experiences didn’t do anything to me. Being with her did a lot to me. I started to realise that there were friends from secondary school I had crushed on but dismissed as nothing more than girl-on-girl infatuation. Whatever that is.

So how did you realise your sexuality?

There was no defining moment for me. From that time on, I just explored every attraction I had with a woman even if it meant that I was cheating on my babe sexually. Before I knew it, I wasn’t dating any men. I was definitely not emotionally attracted to them (men), not to talk of sexually.

So when did you have sex for the first time?

In my third year, I started dating someone new. I’m a bit picky with emotions. So even when I was cheating on my first girlfriend, I knew there was nothing there, that the emotions and feelings were with my girlfriend and the side chicks were just side chicks. We broke up after she found out I was cheating. I was yimu-ing because I knew she was cheating on me with an Alfa in our class, but let me not get into that.

I had a criteria for my new girlfriend. She had to be Muslim, with zero interest in men. I wanted us to commit to each other, not just date for dating sake. I wanted us to leave Nigeria immediately after university. That was my plan for whatever relationship I entered. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out.

Let’s start with the sex.

The sex mid gan, let me not lie. I just didn’t know how mid it was. I just knew it was so mid, I used to dread having sex with her. I could do all the other things with her, just not sex. Then I cheated again. Oops.

Wow.

I cheated because I just had to know what I was missing. It was with an older woman, sugar mummy material. I had real orgasms, and I was wowed by the explosions I felt. In fact, it was at that point I probably realised that there was no way my body was built for men.

The next time we had sex though, she passed out.

Oh wow.

I was so scared – I imagined she had died. I didn’t know what to do. Eventually, I splashed water on her face and she stirred. That was when I knew that she was at least alive. Still I was scared, imagine getting caught like this (naked) in the process of asking for help? What do I say we were doing? It was my girlfriend I called for help.

Yikes.

We got her to the hospital and she was fine. Luckily, no one suspected that we were anything other than relatives.

What did they say was wrong?

She’d overdosed on something.

Did this experience affect you in any way?

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me — actually, she just ghosted. After that, I wasn’t interested in sex or casual dating for a while.

When I did try to have sex about a year later, I just couldn’t. I was so scared that the babe was going to pass out. I started crying in front of her. She was irritated with good reason – after all I said I’d do to her. So now, I just stay away from sex. God will not let them koba me.

You’ve not had sex since then?

Nope. I’ve done every other thing but sex. I’m dating now oh, but I’ve told her that I’m not ready to start having sex right now. She understands, but she’s saying therapy. Mama, it’s me that doesn’t want to have sex again, nothing is wrong. I guess.

Do you miss it?

Nope. I just want to be doing gently for now. What if I get to therapy, become “fine,” then have sex and something happens to my babe? Abeg.

Life is more than sex if we’re being serious. I masturbate and my babe and I do other things. Sometimes, I think I can go my entire life without sex. Let’s be looking. And don’t ask me how I rate my sex life, please. Oral sex is 10 even though it’s mostly me pleasuring my babe — I’m a bit scared to be touched. Masturbation is 10, but my overall sex life? Let’s just be thanking God.

Are you still religious though?

Yes now. Who do you think is helping me through this tough time without premium orgasms?
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who waited until he was married to have sex. He talks about having very little sexual chemistry with his wife and finding gratification outside his marriage.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was 19 in uni. There was this babe I liked from a different fellowship and she liked me too. She tried to kiss me, but I wasn’t really into it. Then she grabbed my dick and gave me a hand job. Well, she tried to. I wasn’t exactly responsive, so she just stopped.

That sounds like assault.

I wouldn’t say that. I kind of enjoyed the attention, but I was basically a religious extremist at the time. My dad had taught me that women were sent by the devil to steal the destiny of men, so I was mostly scared of having my destiny stolen.

I don’t blame her for trying so hard. Women aren’t really used to getting rejected.

How else did your religion affect your approach to sex?

I used to masturbate a lot. I would ask God for forgiveness before I started, while I was doing it and immediately I finished. I just wanted to make sure that if the trumpet sounded while my dick was in my hand, I would still make heaven.

The religious guilt also lowkey elevated the experience. The more taboo masturbation felt, the better it was. I would hear a revival message, then I wouldn’t touch myself for like three weeks. The first masturbation session after that was always fire.

LMAO. Don’t kill me.

I even remember one night we went to pray against the spirit of masturbation. A visiting evangelist asked people struggling with it to come forward but, based on my ranking in the fellowship at the time, I just couldn’t.

How would I stand up and admit to being addicted to masturbation? God forbid. So, I decided to pray privately. After that intense prayer session, I didn’t masturbate for two solid days. Amen?

Amen.

Then on the third day, damn. So much virtue flowed through me.

LMAO. What kind of relationships did you have with women at the time?

I kissed a few girls here and there, but I never made out. The thought of even touching a girl’s breast terrified me. More than anything, I really just wanted to be able to say that the first woman I ever made out with was my wife.

Is that what happened?

Yeah. I met her in uni. We started off as friends, but we both clearly liked each other, so I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed. We dated for about five years before we eventually got married.

Did you guys do anything sexual before you got married?

For sure. We made out and gave each other head. This was when I started becoming a lot more curious. I wanted to explore different fetishes, but I couldn’t do any of that within my Christian relationship.

So, both of you did everything except penetrative sex?

Lmao. Yeah. You know how Christians define virginity now: we don’t see it as sex unless there’s penetration involved. So, we were able to use that loophole to justify making out and giving head.

What was the first penetrative experience like?

It was horrible. I didn’t understand anything that was happening. I thought everything would just flow naturally, but that wasn’t the case at all. Honestly, I just assumed I didn’t like sex that much because of how bad it was.

Oh wow. Did your wife feel the same way?

Yeah. We both felt sex was awkward, and nothing we tried was working. We eventually started spacing it out because it wasn’t something either of us looked forward to. Sex just felt like a chore we had to do from time to time.

How often was it happening?

There wasn’t a timetable, but the frequency kept dropping steadily. It went from three times a month to once every three months. I think a whole year is the longest we’ve gone without sex.

Wow. So you haven’t enjoyed sex since you got married?

Not with my wife, no. We’ve tried to make things better, but it’s never worked. I just don’t think we are sexually compatible, and this is something we would have known if we had just explored before we got married.

Not with your wife? There have been other women?

LMAO. Yes oh. I believed that if I saved myself for marriage, God would reward me with mind-blowing sex, but that didn’t happen. I kept up my end of the bargain, but He didn’t keep His. So, since that was a scam, I’ve decided to help myself.

LMAO. How has that been?

It’s been great. We thank God for his faithfulness and tender mercies. One door shut, and he opened several more. I remember meeting one Igbo babe during a work trip and she destroyed my destiny. The sex was so easy and natural. It was just beautiful.

How many people have you been with outside your marriage?

If we’re talking makeout sessions, oral sex and the likes, then I’ve actually lost count. If we’re talking going all the way — full-on penetrative sex – then it’s just been with two other people.

Is it just about sex or are these encounters deeper?

I used to think I was demisexual, but I think that’s changing: I can now have sex without forming emotional bonds. So, right now, I just have one person that I have a real bond with, but for the other women, it’s not that deep. I just find them attractive.

Wait. Is your marriage actually open or are you cheating?

It’s open. I brought up the idea and she was very enthusiastic about it. I’m happy to see that she’s also been enjoying herself since we started. This has made it very clear that the problem wasn’t with either of us; we are just not compatible in that way.

Honesty, I also think monogamy isn’t sustainable. Humans eventually get bored of everything, but somehow, we are expected to be okay with sleeping with one person forever. That doesn’t make any sense.

How has this arrangement affected your marriage?

It hasn’t. I love my wife and she loves me too. We still have sex, but not a lot. Whenever we want to have the kind of sex that we both want, we know who to call. Everything else about the marriage is great, but we are no longer forcing what doesn’t work.

Due to the lockdown, however, we’ve only been able to have sex with each other. So, it happens like once a month or once every two months. For the most part, I’ve just been masturbating.

Would you say you’re still religious?

Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I was? I could deceive myself and say that God sees my heart, but if I’m being honest. I know there’s no way to justify an open marriage within Christianity. So, no, I’m no longer religious.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’d give it a 6. My masturbation sessions are super exciting, but it’s not enough. If there wasn’t a lockdown and I could be with the one person I really want to have sex with, then I would give it a 10. The thought of eventually seeing her keeps me going though.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 34-year-old heterosexual woman who has a really rough sexual journey. Now, after years of trying to find herself, she talks about why she’s finally chosen to become celibate.

Trigger warning: Parts of this story contain information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

What was your first sexual experience?

My first experience was at the ripe old age of 25. It was with a guy I was dating. I thought we were going to get married. I went to his house for a week and we were just chilling. Nothing happened sexually. And then one day, he forced himself on me and just like that, I ‘lost my virginity’.

Nobody believed at the time that I was virgin. He didn’t believe me, even when I showed him that I was bleeding. He asked, ‘Are you sure you’re not on your period?’ I was mad. Now, looking back years later, I wonder why I couldn’t have lost it in a nice hotel room, with a bottle of wine, and candles like my mates.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

Thanks. Do you know that after I left his house, this guy was begging to marry me because his dad said if he disvirgins a girl and doesn’t marry her, he’ll run mad. I was like, ‘Who wants to marry you, abeg? Get out’.

Wow What?

No shame. I should mention that this happened when I was serving in another town, away from family. By the next morning, I was still bleeding. I didn’t know if that was normal and wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t just want to tell anybody, so they won’t carry my gist.

What did you eventually do?

I called a male doctor I was close to — we were in the same CDS. I told him what happened and that I was still bleeding. He told me to come down to the clinic so he could check me.

When I got there, he told me he was off duty and asked me to come to his house. This should have raised red flags but I was so clueless in the ways of the world. I asked what form this check was going to be. He then asked if I was interested in asking questions or getting it done, after all I was the one bleeding, not him.

When we got to his house, he asked me to remove my underwear and I did and lay down on his bed. He wore his gloves, put his hands into me and said he’ll give me some medication to stop me from bleeding. In my head, I was like: did you have to put your hand there before telling me that? Next thing, he said I should kiss him. I asked him where this was coming from, and he said he had always liked me. I just started begging him. He apologised and told me to dress up and go.

That’s unprofessional.

He later told me ‘I’m too fine’, that my boyfriend even tried by not sleeping with me on the first day. He asked how I could stay there for a whole week without doing anything; any other guy would have jumped on me on the first day.

That’s bullshit. Was there a reason you hadn’t had sex before 25?

Yes. Let me give you a bit of history about the way I see sex: I am Christian; I come from a Christian home. I see sex as something beautiful and something to look forward to. I was keeping it for marriage before this happened. However, I’ve always questioned sex and Christianity. Early on in life, I noticed that Christian messages around sex were repressive to women.

That’s interesting. Before this time, did you have any other sexual experiences?

Ah yes. When I was 21 and in my final year, there was this guy who lived in the vicinity. He wanted us to date, but I didn’t want that. I wasn’t ready to be banging anyone morning, noon, and night, because that’s what guys were interested in.

The guy called me one night and pleaded that he wanted to sleepover. He said he had nowhere else to go. I had a strict landlady who wouldn’t allow us to bring men. But, I eventually let him come because he pleaded so much. I gave him my bedsheet and he slept on the floor.

That’s how at night, I felt my hand on his dick. I woke up and was like what are you doing? He said he was sorry, that he was so turned on and he needs me to stroke it so he can go back to sleep. I asked him to stroke it himself, and he said it wouldn’t work, that he would ‘wound’ himself. I ended up stroking it because he was doing as if he would die if I didn’t; that’s how they all do.

You know the interesting thing is that before this time, I used to think I was asexual.

Why did you think so?

I was so clueless about sex. I believed it was the reason why I never felt like having sex. Especially during my teenage years.

When did you get past this?

When I was 20. I made out with a guy and things got pretty heavy as we approached second base — the fabric I wore was very wet as if I peed on myself. That was when I realised I was actually not asexual.

What happened after NYSC?

There was this religious leader I’ve always known. He used to tell me that there’s nothing wrong when two people who love each other have sex. He said abstinence was preached because people do it casually. He said he loved me, so what’s wrong with having sex.

And the thing about me is that I tie sex with relationships, it’s the package for me. I can’t just open my legs for you. I’ll ask so many questions that will spoil the fun.

He kept at it until I agreed. Oya, come and do the thing you’ve been bothering me about, but he couldn’t get it up. I was angry. I was like what kind of rubbish is this. He now said that he couldn’t get it up because I wasn’t a virgin. He tried to make me feel guilty for getting raped.

That’s incredibly insensitive. I’m sorry.

This made me realise how much religious leaders try to brainwash women. It’s so prevalent.

I’m really curious about when you started enjoying sex.

It didn’t happen immediately. I went celibate for about two years after NYSC. Then I moved to Lagos and started living in Lekki. When I tell you that area is sexually charged, I mean it.

The tea I want.

One day, as I was coming from work, a man asked to give me a lift. I declined and told him I was almost home. He insisted, so I entered his car. He asked if we could hang out that evening, but I said I was tired. So we decided to do Sunday. On Sunday, he picked me up and that was when I felt sexual chemistry with anyone.

Now I have to mention that personally, I have to connect with someone intellectually first, no matter how rich or handsome a guy is. With this guy, we were just flowing. My body was impressed, my mind was impressed. I was impressed by his pocket as well.

To cut it short, we went at it for four hours. From two years of celibacy to four hours of marathon sex.

You know the wild part?

What?

I knew I wasn’t going to date this guy. But I couldn’t leave him either. We understood that this wasn’t a relationship, I am a very realistic person. He’s a Lekki big boy. I knew he wasn’t going to commit to me. I didn’t deceive myself. Even married women were chasing him. He had money to throw around and I was already thinking about getting somebody to fund my lifestyle.

We flowed well. However, he was very rough in bed. A traditional igbo man. He didn’t believe in foreplay. He believed women were toys. He used to say stuff like “Fine girl like you, you don’t even know how to have sex, better come to my house everyday, let me teach you so they won’t snatch your husband. Dick that people want, you can’t even appreciate it.” Whenever I told him he was very rough, he’d take it as a compliment and boast that when he’s done with me, I wouldn’t be able to walk.

Did you continue to have sex with him?

Hmm. In June 2016, I was having some trouble with my belly. We hadn’t slept together for like a month. He called me on this particular day and asked me how I was doing. I told him I wasn’t feeling well. He told me to come over, that he had something to use to treat me. When I got there, he threw me on the bed. That was the roughest of all the sex we’ve had, and my worst.

I told myself I had more value than this. That was the last day I ever went there.

That doesn’t sound good. I’m curious about how this experience affected you.

I locked up and didn’t have sex for like 18 months. One day, I went to hang out with a friend in a hotel. Before going, I asked myself if I was going to sleep with this guy. It wasn’t like I was preparing, I just wanted to know where my head was. I concluded that it wouldn’t be bad if it happened. We were gisting, then we started making out. When he wanted to get into me, he couldn’t. He kept trying, but couldn’t.

It was a mind thing. That last experience was so bad that I didn’t just lock up physically, I locked up mentally. He asked if I was a virgin and I was like ‘for where’. Then I told him about my last experience. We didn’t try it again. It got me thinking about the last experience. How I allowed the rough guy to win. How I hadn’t really gotten over it. I started trying to let it go.

What was letting go like?

Early 2018, I met this guy. We started talking and were flowing. We had things in common. He asked if we could date. I told him that I don’t date for just dating sake. I have to see a future with you, in the long term, to date. I asked him if we could date without having sex, but he said no, that sex was an integral part of a relationship for him. I told him I would think about it. I thought about it: I was 32, I told myself it’s not like a husband is coming. I eventually convinced myself to date him.

I told him I wanted it to be really exclusive. It wasn’t about jealousy, I just didn’t want to catch something in this Lagos. You can’t put it in me and go and put it in someone else. Nope. He agreed, and we started having sex.

Did you enjoy the sex with him?

Yes. This was the first time I allowed myself to really enjoy sex. It was the first time it wasn’t happening to me; I was making it happen. I was really interested in finding out about it. He watched me go from someone who didn’t want to talk about sex to someone who wanted to do it everywhere. He was my first doggy. He was older, but he didn’t bring that attitude to bed. He didn’t bring the ‘i’m your uncle’ vibe. He was also open to learning new things.

I feel like there’s a “but” coming.

Yes. I can’t seperate sex from relationship. I always used to tease him that it’s only when he comes to sex that he behaves like a normal person. He never used to gist or do small talk.He wouldn’t ask me about my personal life. All he was concerned about was sex. He told me I had to come spend three nights a week in his house. Men have these expectations of women but are not ready to do their own part.

Did you address all these concerns with him?

Yes. But he was just all about the sex. In fact, when he noticed that I was freer in bed, he suggested a threesome. He said he was going to get me a girlfriend to loosen me up, that I was still uptight. Instead of him to say it was for himself.

How did it end?

The final straw for me was when he started talking to me about anal sex. I told him it wouldn’t work and that there were medical consequences. He said he didn’t care.

I told myself it was time to move, that I had finished discovering myself with him.

One day in 2018, after a hot session with him, I had a shower, opened his drawer and saw a girl’s clothes. I asked him what that was. He tried to lie. I told him it’s not about love, but what he had exposed me to. We had an agreement and he was supposed to protect me. The next morning, I walked out and stopped seeing him.

Men. You haven’t had sex since then?

Nope. Of course there are people hitting on me, but I haven’t felt like it.

It’s been two years. Does it feel like a long time?

Haha. I don’t know. When it reaches three years, I’ll buy myself a car.

So what do you do when you’re in the mood?

I have been thinking about getting a sex toy, but haven’t made up my mind yet.

What’s next for you sex-wise?

I’m looking for something holistic. Nothing casual anymore. I’ve accepted myself: this is how I’m wired. Before I used to ask if i’m not missing anything. I used to say are you sure you’re not growing cobwebs, are you sure you’re not rusting. Now I know that sex is not just an activity for me; it involves my mind and spirit and I would do it right if I was going to at all. Sex is spiritual for me.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who has only ever had sex with her husband. She talks about not being interested in sex and never enjoying sex with her husband, especially after giving birth.

When was your first sexual experience?

My first sexual experience was in 2007, when I was about 18. The first time I actually had sex was 2008, when I was 19.

What was the first sexual experience from 2007?

Generally making out with my boyfriend who is now my husband. Once upon a time, I was trying to uphold purity culture and save myself till marriage. I was just fresh out of secondary school, so I was the good girl who wanted to keep things clean.

I always wanted a boyfriend sha, so I got one. Like many guys, he had other ideas, and always mounted pressure to go beyond kissing, which is what I was okay with. I obliged because I really liked him. It was basically making out to second base, and third base occasionally. He was the one I finally had sex with in 2008.

What was the sex like?

It was really nerve-racking. I really didn’t want to, but the pressure was more than I could handle. I know people will wonder why I didn’t walk away. Now that I’m older, I wonder why too. I’m not sure.

If you asked me back then, I would have said it was because I loved him more than myself. Now, I’m not so sure. He convinced me that the only reason I didn’t want to was because I was scared of the pain. I felt he was probably right; I am averse to pain.

I remember I was under the influence of two bottles of Gordon Sparks. It was quite popular back then. This was to help brace me for the pain, but it was still painful as fuck.

That doesn’t sound good. What were your expectations beforehand?

I really can’t remember having any expectations. I mean, I expected it to hurt and it did. I also expected it to be a lot more bloody than it was based on the stories, but I actually had to struggle to find the few drops that manifested.

Did you continue to have sex afterwards?

I did. This reminds me of how a friend told me that girls often succumb to sex pressure thinking “oh, I just need to get through this” , forgetting “you no go fuck am once, you go dey continue to fuck am”.

I didn’t give it much thought at the time. I clearly wanted the relationship to go on. The first time was the hardest; it wasn’t always awful. Most times, I wasn’t into it, but I did enjoy it from time to time.

When did you get married?

In 2014.

Did anything change about your feelings towards sex after getting married?

Nothing changed. Scam. I was so disappointed. I expected to be more into sex because I now had “approval”. Sex was basically sanctified now. I felt there was something wrong with me. A libido gap or something because I just couldn’t keep up with him.

How could I love someone and not want to sleep with him? It didn’t make sense. I did enjoy it from time to time, but definitely not as much as he did. I hardly ever looked forward to it. But I was willing to keep working on it.

Then 3 years into the marriage, we had our kid and it was like, a switch went off. I no longer had the energy or the zeal to keep working at it. It could be pleasurable but the effort it took to get that tiny pleasure wasn’t worth it.

There were so many other things I’d rather be doing. My irritation actually started to mount during pregnancy sex, but I wasn’t concerned then. I just thought pregnancy fucks things up.

When did you become concerned?

When I was so happy about my six weeks break from sex post-baby, and was so miserable when my sex-free break came to an end.

I was so miserable, I tried to deceive my husband that the doctors said I needed two weeks extra. Dude wasn’t having that. He even went as far as inspecting my nethers himself to assure me everything was back in form.

I guess those six weeks were torture for him. Anyway, that was the point I started feeling like mehn, I no dey do again.

Did you bring it up with your husband?

Yes, almost a year after. Since I told him, it’s been a roller coaster. I wanted to walk away initially, but I was convinced to try various arrangements like sex only when I want it. Unfortunately, when I want it is never enough and always leads to tension.

I think about getting separated nearly every other day, but we’re so entwined financially, it’d be difficult. I tried returning home but my family wasn’t supportive emotionally, so it was easy for my husband to win me back. I’ve tried therapy too.

That didn’t work?

Nope. Nothing seems to be working. I’ve even suggested an open marriage to my husband, which he keeps rejecting. I tried to do the ‘separated but living together’ thing. That didn’t work.

I do want sex from time to time, and so we end up having sex, but once we do, he forgets all the boundaries and rules about only having sex when I really want to and defaults to his mounting pressure attitude, and then we end up right where we started.

It’s like an endless cycle of misery I know I’m going to have to get off eventually.

Do you have any ideas at all why you aren’t interested in sex?

That’s the most frustrating part, I have so many ideas. I don’t know if it’s just one thing or a combination of everything. At first, I thought I was asexual, but that doesn’t click because I enjoy watching porn and masturbating. Then I felt I wasn’t attracted to him physically and never have been really, even though he is good-looking in my opinion. But sometimes I’ve really wanted to have sex with him, so I’m not so sure.

Then I thought it was because he doesn’t connect with me enough emotionally and intellectually. This is true but I’m not sure if it’s the cause. Then I started wondering if I was a lesbian, because I realized I do enjoy watching girl-on-girl porn. But I also enjoy watching guy-on-girl porn, so highest I’m bi. So that doesn’t explain it.

My newest introspection is that as I’m becoming more of a radical feminist everyday and realising that my husband doesn’t truly see me as his equal, and probably never has. This is a major turn-off for me, and when I look back, I see that I’ve made myself small in my love for him, and I resent that. I feel really guilty about feeling this way, because he really is a good man.

That’s an interesting take. Does he know all of these?

To be honest, the only parts he knows are I don’t like sex and maybe there’s no mutual physical attraction. Shikenah. He is deeply religious and I know he doesn’t care to know the rest. I have even admitted to him that I’ve indulged in watching porn and self-pleasure on occasion, but he thinks watching porn is not very far from cheating.

As for the equality thing, he hardly ever gets what I’m saying because he expects me to be grateful that he’s far better than other husbands in Nigeria. The bar is so low.

Okay. What about other men? Do you ever find that you’re attracted to other men?

Just once. It was this Indian guy I met when we were engaged. If I wasn’t a faithful person, something would probably have happened between us. My level of discipline is peak. There was the physical attraction and the fact that he was on my intellectual wavelength as well. It was a surprise to me, because I mostly always connect with guys on an intellectual or emotional level, not physical. With my husband, the physical was just a means to get the emotional.

I often catch myself wistfully thinking of that indian guy, especially now that I’m going through what I’m going through.

I wish I knew how important deep physical attraction was before I got married. Everyone acts like it’s the least important thing to consider when getting married, only for me to just now learn just how important it really is.

You mentioned masturbation and porn earlier. How did you get into that? Was it during your marriage?

When I was younger, I never got the appeal, but around the time I was engaged, I stumbled on one particular video, and I felt good watching it. I had never felt that good in all the years I’d been having sex. I couldn’t help it, I had to chase that feeling. And after chasing, I liked where I ended up — I experienced my very first orgasm. I was like, so this is why people like sex? I had never gotten an orgasm from sex and even now.

So nowadays, when I need that release and relaxation, I do what I need to do.

Just to clarify, even before marriage, you never had an orgasm during sex?

Nope. Same thing now. And I didn’t know that I hadn’t because I didn’t know what an orgasm was. It wasn’t until I had it, and I was like, yup, no doubt, that’s it.

Are there parts of sex that you enjoy?

Yes, I definitely enjoy sex sometimes, but I never achieve an orgasm. Sometimes, my partner wants to try to keep going till I get there, but I get exhausted by the whole thing and can’t be bothered.

My partner has tried to introduce extra rounds a couple of times and I’ve made it clear I’m a one round girl, it ain’t gonna happen. What kind of stress is that? Why would I want to go three more exhausting rounds trying to chase something I know I can get in half or even quarter of a round with myself? Ogini?

I enjoy receiving head. That is like the only redeemable part of sex. That and skillful fingering. Everything else, including penetration is just meh most times.

Do you feel that only having had sex with one person has contributed to the way you feel about sex?

Sometimes, I do. But I can’t know for sure.

What’s sex like for you these days?

These days, it’s good because I’m now very keen on having it when I want to have it — I’m no longer bothered whether the marriage thrives or fails. Sometimes I initiate it even, but I always feel it’s unfair, that I dictate when stuff goes down.

My therapist convinced us to try having sex once a month. My guy says yes he can do that, but then he’s never able to and keeps hitting me up like twice a week. Right now, I’m so not interested in sex because we fought a couple of days ago(more like he was talking down to me) and I was so pissed because he implied I was a bad mum, and it’s not the first time. I’m tired of telling him how I feel.

I understand. Given how much you’ve grown, what would you tell your 18-year-old self about sex.

I would tell my 18 year old self that purity culture is trash..

Do you have any plans for your sex life in future?

No concrete plans to be honest. Sometimes I wish I could erase sex from my life. Other times I think, men are so trash, it would be difficult for me to find any man as good or better than my current partner in terms of progressiveness, assuming we end up splitting up. So I wouldn’t want to date men anymore; maybe I’ll give girls a try, codedly of course, because nah Naija we dey.

If I did end up dating a guy again, I would like someone mature enough to give open relationships a try because I’m beginning to lose confidence in this whole monogamy of a thing oh.

How would you rate your sex life?

Now, I guess I would say 3 out of 10.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old pansexual woman who has had many sexual adventures in a span of 3 years. She talks about sleeping with married couples, having a sugar daddy and becoming a financial dominatrix.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was 20. My friend introduced me to a guy and I thought he was cool. One thing led to another and we ended up making out. I didn’t think it was that great, but I was still open to exploring further.

After making out a few more times, I decided to try giving him head. It took a lot of convincing because, at the time, I thought the entire idea of oral sex was irritating. I actually ended up liking it. It gave me a sense of control.

You hadn’t tried anything before turning 20?

Nope. I come from a very religious home, so none of this was ever really up my alley. I wanted my first kiss to be with the right person, but since I never found a guy that interested me, it just never happened.

So, this guy was the “right person”?

Not really. I liked him, but not like that. I just decided it was time to finally experiment.

When did you try penetrative sex?

I was 21. I met this guy off Tinder and I thought he was really cute. So, I decided that if anyone was going to knock me up, it might as well be him. We started talking for a bit and got super close. We had sex the third time we met, and it was nice.

He ended up becoming my first boyfriend.

Did the sex get better with him?

Yeah. We were very adventurous. I don’t think we ever had sex on a bed. We did it everywhere else, from his boss’ table in the office to his car in broad daylight. So, that element of danger made it very exciting. He was also the first guy to ever eat me out.

How was that?

I wasn’t open to the idea for the longest time. I was only cool with giving head. Then it happened, and I was blown away. I wanted to get eaten out all the time. The sex, in general, was fun.

How long did the relationship last?

6 months. We used to have a lot of petty fights. It was my first relationship, so I didn’t really know how to think for two. He also didn’t trust me around other men. I mean, I did cheat on him a few times, but still.

LMAO. So, what’s your sex life like now?

These days, it’s almost non-existent. For starters, I haven’t had sex with a guy at all this year. I’ve been a lot more focused on women, and even then, it’s been months since I hooked up with one.

Oh? When did you realise you were into women?

Right from secondary school. I had a bunkmate who always brought girls over. I used to hear them go at it, and I became curious. After checking out a bunch of erotica and porn, I was sure I liked girls too.

I eventually gathered the courage to make out with a babe when I was 20 — a little while after I made out with the first guy. I didn’t explore with women again until I turned 22. That’s when I found myself in an arrangement with an older couple.

What kind of arrangement?

Typically, she would just eat me out in front of her husband. Sometimes he’d just watch us go at it and other times, he’d be fucking her while she did it. He just wasn’t ever allowed to touch me.

Wow. How did that set-up happen?

Unlike with men, meeting women was pretty difficult for me. I don’t know how to walk up to someone and just toast them. I’m usually the one getting toasted. So, I opened an anonymous Instagram account for queer women.

Women used to message me asking to be matched with other women. If I thought the babe was hot, I would match her with myself. If she didn’t make sense, I would match her with someone else.

So, the married woman messaged me one day, saying she and her husband wanted to explore. We did a video call and the chemistry was clearly there. I went over to her house and we all ended up having sex.

Did you ever have sex with them separately?

Yeah. After we met, her husband started hitting me up on Instagram. We eventually met up one day and had sex. It only happened once. He kept trying to make it happen again, but I was mostly interested in his wife.

How long did this arrangement last?

A few months. I got tired. I felt like I had explored that relationship enough, and I was ready to move on to my next adventure. That experience did give me a taste for older, married women. They are just more experienced than younger babes.

Wow. So, what was your next memorable adventure?

I started dating this guy who became my boss. After we had sex, a job opened up in his company that I was qualified for, so he hired me. It was nice for a while, but he started forming jealous. I found it really annoying because he was married.

He kept trying to make the relationship more serious, but I refused. He fired me.

You didn’t have any issue hooking up with married people?

Nah. I didn’t. At that point, I was in the space where if you found me desirable and I liked you too, I was open to fucking. I didn’t really care. Plus, he used to send me money and buy me stuff.

The money was definitely a nice incentive that helped stretch my attention span a little bit. If he wasn’t dropping anything, I wouldn’t have spent so much time taking his rubbish.

Was the money a prearranged agreement?

No. He just happened to give me. I never asked. In fact, I hated asking. I just didn’t like feeling dependent on anyone. Even now that I have a sort of discussed arrangement, I still don’t ask.

Oh? There’s an arrangement now?

Yeah. Multiple actually. I’m a findom mistress — this a sexual fetish where a submissive will be controlled by a financial dominant in exchange for money. So, I have a bunch of subs that regularly send me gifts and money.

I also have a sugar daddy. He isn’t one of my subs, but he sends me money too. It’s not a written arrangement or anything, but the cash is consistent. I met him a few months ago, and it’s been great.

How did you meet him?

On Twitter. He slid into my DMs and asked me out for drinks. That’s when I saw his car and realised he was loaded. After that, we continued talking and he said he wanted to take care of me. I mean, who doesn’t want to be taken care of?

Funny enough, we mostly just sext and talk. I think we’ve only had sex twice. He’s always quick to send me money when I need something. He’s really just a sweet, problem-free guy.

Nice. So, what’s it like being a findom mistress?

I’ve always known I liked being the more controlling one in the bedroom, but I didn’t really explore it until last year. I met this guy who really liked when I dominated him and called him names in bed, and I really enjoyed it too.

So, I took it to Twitter and announced that I’m a dom. Turns out there are a lot of Nigerian men who are submissive and are looking to explore that side because the DMs started rolling in.

So, what exactly happens after a potential sub DMs you?

I try to find out what they are open to doing, their pain threshold and their hard limits. Then I send them my rate card. I use that to give them an idea of the amount of money I’ll expect — not all the time, but frequently enough. If they agree, then we move.

I rarely do physical sessions. I only do it for the guys that are really worth it. I have subs all over the world — from America to South Africa — and I get them to do a bunch of different things.

Like what?

It depends on what they like. I give them random punishments, like forbidding them from having an orgasm for the entire week. If I feel like they did their punishments well, then I can reward them with nudes or something else.

How’s your dating life been throughout all this?

My last relationship ended this year. I dated a polyamorous man, and while I really liked him, I just couldn’t fully commit to the lifestyle. I was scared of falling in love with him and getting jealous of the other women he was with.

Still, I enjoyed being with him. He gave me the best head of my entire life and he was also very generous. To think it almost didn’t happen because I was apprehensive about dating an atheist.

Why?

I’m a Christian.

You’re still actively religious?

Very. I’m a full-blown Christian. While I do get conflicted about my sex life, I console myself with the fact that we all sin. I mean, there are worse sins than sex. Sometimes I know it’s taking God for granted, but I know when I ask for forgiveness, He’ll forgive me.

Fair. So, considering all the adventures you’ve had, how do you actually feel about sex?

I honestly don’t think I like it that much. Sex is not something I’m ever excited to see somebody for. I mean, I enjoy giving and getting head, but in general, I think of sex as a tool I use to get what I want. I don’t think it’s worth all the hype.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

For all the adventures I’ve had, I’ll give it a 7.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 48 year old woman who has been married for 24 years. She talks about ignoring all the rules of sex prescribed by her church before marriage and how she and her husband keep their sex life exciting.

Do you remember your first sexual experience?

In the beginning, I was saving myself for marriage. I used to manage the small kiss here and the small breast pressing there. My body was really itching me to do more, but I made a promise to God. At the end of the day, I had sex with someone I thought I was going to marry. It didn’t work out.

What happened?

He jilted me after he went abroad. I was supposed to go and meet him there after I finished university, but he said he was still setting up himself. It wasn’t his marriage I heard about first, it was his child. People were saying she was very white. I almost died.

I’m sorry. How old were you?

I was 21 when we started dating. 23 or so when I heard about his new family.

Did you feel bad about it?

Bastard bad. I had saved myself for marriage. I thought, since I’m going to marry this man, let me give him my ‘flower’, as we called it then. Then he left me and I felt like I had sold myself short.

That sucks. Was the sex good at least?

It was really just sex.

So not good or bad?

It would even be good if it was bad. It was terrible.

Why was it so bad?

I didn’t really feel anything he was doing. That’s for the sex part. With regards to the making out part, it was too much saliva. I don’t think I was very attracted to him, even though he was a very attractive person. So today, I say, good riddance.

LMAO. How often did you guys have sex?

We were only together a few months before he japa-ed. So maybe like once a day when we were together.

Did you say something about how bad it was?

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how sex was supposed to feel.

So when did you know how sex was supposed to feel?

When I married my husband, which wasn’t too long after. We saved ourselves for marriage and it was very sweet when we started doing it. We dated for only a few months before we got married.

I remember being apprehensive at some point that he would jilt me the same way the first guy did and that’s why I wanted us to get married sharply. I was also very adamant about not having sex till we got married. Luckily, he was on the same page.

Why did he want to wait till marriage?

Our faith. He’s also a Christian. He was a bit extreme sha because while me, I was open to kissing and oral sex, he wasn’t interested in doing any of that. His motto was that we won’t be able to get enough of each other on our wedding night.

I had brief periods pre-wedding where I wondered whether the problem was that he wasn’t attracted to me or that he had a medical problem that prevented him from getting aroused, or maybe even that he had somebody elsewhere.

Ah. How did you get rid of those thoughts?

Relationships — whether friendships or marriages — can’t be built around distrust. I had to let go and trust him. And if I’m being fair, he hadn’t done anything to give me the impression that there was a problem and that it wasn’t just his faith.

So, I had to just let go of those thoughts and trust him. It was hard because I’d ask myself: what if it’s my friend he’s sleeping with? Or what if he cheats on me and we have to break up?

I realised I was more afraid of how people would react, and how they’d feel sorry for me — especially given what had already happened to me in the past. I’d often think of myself as having ill luck with men on top imaginations of my husband leaving me. I really had to learn to trust him.

What was the first experience with your husband like?

It was great. It wasn’t our wedding night as we thought it’d be and actually planned for. We were so tired after the wedding that we just fell asleep. When we got around to it, we couldn’t let go of each other.

I’m curious, what kind of plans did you make for the wedding night?

Lingerie, wine and aphrodisiacs. We even rented some ‘blue film’.

Despite your faith? 👀

Faith doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun in bed.

So when was the first actual time?

Two nights later.

How long have you been married?

Almost 24 years now.

How often would you say you have sex?

At least 5 times a week. On a good week, we have sex every day. Except when we are in different places for work and even then, with mobile phones now, we have found creative ways to do it. There’s virtual sex and sexting.

That’s incredible.

Yes. From the onset, we made up our minds that ours won’t be the normal sex life of ‘Christian couples’ that collapses after a few years. We had heard so many stringent rules about how Christian married couples were supposed to have sex and things not to do on the marital bed.

So we made our own rules and started working on increasing our knowledge of sex. Till today, we buy books and exchange articles on sex.

What kind of rules do you have?

To go against every rule the church gave us. For example, during counselling, we were told doggy was bad and that as the name implied, it was for dogs. We disobeyed that one and tried out different positions.

Doggy is actually our favourite position. Then there are other rules: we’re to ensure that we have sex every other day. We also enjoy roleplay, so we made a rule recently to ensure that we roleplay at least twice a month.

Does having rules ever make it feel mechanical?

In the beginning, it didn’t. But there are times it feels like that. Especially if we just had a fight, we’re not in the mood or we’re tired and it’s time to have sex. These are few and far between. I have a very sexy husband, if he just opens his mouth and says A, I can jump on him. If I don’t, it’s just because I’m doing shakara. And me too, I’m not bad.

We pray before having sex. Not all the time, but we do. We ask God to make both parties fulfilled during and after the act.

Lmao. That’s interesting…

Haha, people have called it weird.

What about your children? I imagine having children would have —

We don’t have children.

Mad. So it’s just you and your husband?

Yes. There’s no place or surface in the house we haven’t had sex on.

What else do you do to spice up your sex life?

Like I said, we love roleplaying a lot. Especially as doctor and patient. My husband is a doctor, so I’m his patient. When we don’t do that, we roleplay as madam and gardener or something. Things like that. Recently, we opened up our marriage. Just for a short period of time. That’s the most enthralling thing we ever did.

Why did you do that?

We didn’t exactly say that we were opening our marriage. We just decided to explore sexually with one person each. Monogamy is hard. My husband and I are on the same page on that. Since the beginning of our relationship and then marriage, we’ve allowed ourselves to ‘appreciate’ members of the opposite sex, without doing more. So if I see someone who I find really attractive, I can let my eyes linger and even tell my husband about it and he does the same too. So seeing someone else outside each other, just for sex didn’t seem too far fetched. It was like an experiment.

What was the outcome?

My husband says he didn’t really enjoy it and I have chosen to believe him. I did. I really enjoyed having sex with someone new and different. But it also made me realise just how much I really love having sex with my husband. So going back to him after that? We had the best sex till date. We haven’t spoken anymore about seeing other people.

I’m just wondering how you reconcile this with your beliefs or what your faith believes generally?

I’m not going against anything I believe in. I’m pretty sure that God wants us to find creative ways to entertain each other in and outside our bed, so yeah.

Sounds fair. How would you rate your sex life?

10 or maybe 9. But I’m just looking for the next adventure. There’s just so many things out there.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old heterosexual man who recently discovered he is demisexual — he can only feel sexual attraction to women he has strong emotional bonds with. So far, he’s only found one.

What was your first sexual experience?

I discovered masturbation when I was 15. I used to watch old amateur wrestling tapes that also included models stripping and posing. I would masturbate but never allow myself to climax. In my head, that would have been taking the sin too far.

I would then run to pray for forgiveness for even watching it and getting turned on in the first place. This started in like 2007. I would do the same thing over and over again, but without actually ever climaxing.

Damn. When did you eventually allow yourself to climax?

In 2009. After two years of holding myself back, I finally went all the way. It was an eye-opening experience for me. After it happened, I no longer felt shame or remorse. I suddenly didn’t give a fuck about praying for forgiveness.

Why do you think that switch happened?

I think it’s because it felt so good. It also finally clicked that I wasn’t hurting anyone by doing it.

What happened next?

I did a lot of research on masturbation and came across several websites — mostly religious ones — that demonised it. I started getting scared all over again. Then I came across some other sites that reassured me there was nothing wrong with it.

So, it became a frequent occurrence and that’s when I started using porn.

Were you still religious at this point?

After visiting those sites, I started side-eyeing religion. Gradually, I began exploring more atheist spaces online. That’s when I realised that religion is basically fear-mongering and manipulative propaganda that isn’t really based on anything logical.

I guess you could say masturbation eventually led to me becoming an atheist.

LMAO. What else did masturbation do for you?

Well, thanks to all the edging — deliberately stopping or delaying my orgasm — I discovered that I could basically last as long as I wanted. I once managed to go 90 minutes without ejaculating.

This eventually paid off years later, in 2014 to be precise, when my partner said it was strange that I lasted so long for my first time. My pull out game is also flawless because of all the control I learnt. So, yeah, masturbation for the win.

Tell me about your first time.

It was with the one and only sexual partner I’ve had till date. We met online and talked for about a year. She was the first person I ever really built an emotional connection with. We had done phone sex, sexting and exchanged nudes before meeting in real life.

Prior to meeting her, I hadn’t had any sexual experience with anyone. Not even a kiss. The most I had done was hug. A few women had made passes at me, but I wasn’t interested because I didn’t feel a connection.

I got called gay a lot. I am conventionally attractive and people couldn’t understand why such a fine young man didn’t have babes all around him. I am also a bit effeminate, so that didn’t help matters.

Not surprising. How was the sex?

The experience was amazing. I could feel the sexual energy and tension immediately I laid eyes on her. Within an hour, we were already fucking. That’s all we did for the rest of the night.

The sex was great because we basically had the same fetishes — a lot of role-playing was involved. The fact that we got to discuss our fetishes in-depth before we moved on to the real thing made the entire thing so much better.

Nice. What happened next?

We became a couple and met intermittently after that. It was a long-distance relationship, so we couldn’t meet as often due to school, work and other things. My friends were just happy I’d finally had sex. They wanted me to immediately start fucking other babes.

How did you feel about that?

I have never had anything against hook-up culture, one-night stands or casual sex, but I realised that the whole idea of having sex just for the sake of it, especially with someone you don’t have a real bond with, wasn’t for me.

I tried to explain this to my friends, but they didn’t care. They just kept pushing me. For a lot of them, it seemed like they were only having sex so they could run back and tell us about it. They treated it like some sort of ego trip.

Did you know why that bond was so important to you?

I knew how I felt, but I didn’t know there was a term for it. It wasn’t until this year that I discovered I am demisexual. It was my former partner who even told me. She said she’d noticed a while ago and thought I already knew.

Former partner? You aren’t together anymore?

No, we are not. We are still best friends though. We just have a lot of more important things to focus on — from career to education. So, sex and relationships don’t feel as essential at the moment.

Oh ok. So, what exactly is being demisexual like?

Even if I think someone is physically attractive, I still won’t feel any attraction towards them. Like, I’m incapable of sexualising people I don’t know. For me, we have to become very close for that sexual attraction bulb to turn on in my head.

What else has clicked for you since discovering this identity?

I never made this link before, but I think it explains why incest is my top fetish. Right from time, I read a lot of incest erotica and watched a lot of incest porn. For me, it’s about that bond that exists between family members.

Even if I don’t actually fancy incest in real life — for example, I’m not attracted to my sister at all — I still think that close emotional bond between relatives that could lead to sex is kind of similar to how I’m built.

Oh? Is that the role-playing you and your ex did?

Yeah. Sister and brother was our favourite and most common. We also did uncle and niece, mother and son, daddy and daughter, employer and employee, and cheating husband and mistress.

Have you tried to foster this bond with anyone else?

To be honest, no. I’m not really at a point in my life where I care about this. I don’t care about the emotional bond and I don’t care about the sex. Trying to form that bond again is a lot of mental effort, and I don’t have the energy right now. .

I’ve already let go of that toxic ideal that as a man, my value is based on how many women I can sleep with. I prefer quality over quantity, and I’m not going to go on a wild goose chase just because I want to have sex.

Fair. So, when was the last time you did have sex?

I haven’t had sex in like a year now, and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. There was a period I even went almost 3 years without sex because my ex and I couldn’t find time to meet.

Would you say you get horny a lot?

I really don’t. I used to only get horny when I was around her. It’s odd because when I was a teenager, I was constantly horny, but I guess that was because of my raging hormones. Since I’ve gotten older, I rarely do.

So, I’m guessing you don’t masturbate as much anymore?

I don’t. After I had penetrative sex, the urge to masturbate went down a lot. I still watch porn for entertainment though. Like, a lot. Probably every day even. No, it’s not an addiction — at least I don’t think it is. I just enjoy watching it.

Maybe it’s because I only look for porn with storylines and an actual plot. I don’t watch all that hypersexualised nonsense with unnatural positions and zero intimacy. It gets me horny, yes, but I don’t masturbate to gratify the horniness.

How would you describe your relationship with sex as a demisexual man?

I think sex is great. I know what I like and what I want. I know it’s not something I have to indulge in to prove myself to anyone. I do it on my own terms and that’s part of why I really enjoy it whenever it does happen

I can’t say I have ever had a bad sexual experience with her or even a mediocre one. Yes, the sample size is very small, but it still counts. Maybe I need to have more sexual partners, but I won’t lose sleep if I never do. I’ve had a wonderful experience so far.

What would you like your sex life to look like 5 years down the line?

It’s not something I really think about, but I guess I would like it to be active and with someone I really love. The person also has to have the same sexual tastes/sexual energy as me. Someone who doesn’t do role-playing, for example, is a big no for me.

Do the people in your life know you’re demisexual?

I don’t really bother telling anyone because I don’t think they’ll understand. Considering the fact that many people still think I’m gay simply because I don’t randomly hit on women, I doubt demisexuality is something I’ll be able to explain to them.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it an 8. I’ve basically experienced most — if not all — of my fantasies. I have had these experiences on my own terms and I have enjoyed every moment. The only reason it’s not a 10 is because I’m leaving space for other experiences and fantasies with other potential partners.

I’m hoping those end up being a great addition to my sex life.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 39-year-old heterosexual woman who just went through a divorce and recently discovered that she’s perimenopausal. She talks about how perimenopause has affected her sex drive and how she plans to fix it.

When did you have your first sexual experience?

Ah. How am I supposed to remember that? I’m not sure. But if you’re asking about penetrative sex, then I think in my early 20s. I can’t remember the when and the where. I really hope this isn’t my mind blocking out something traumatic, but I remember that it was with a boyfriend.

Do you remember how it was?

I’ve had sex so many times since then that I don’t. But I’m pretty sure it wasn’t great. I didn’t start having great sex until I turned 25.

What changed?

I stopped thinking that sex had to happen only within the confines of a relationship and started having sex with people I was interested in.

Does this mean that the men you dated before this time weren’t very good?

Oh yes. They were horrible, but I wasn’t good either. I didn’t know a lot about sex. Left to me, I’d just open my legs, make the ‘appropriate’ sounds and move on. I also realised that it ‘takes two to tango or tangle’, so that made me more interested in it. I actually had to try things like yoga and meditation in order to stay more focused during sex and they both helped.

Apart from that mental shift, what did you do?

I went to a lot of parties to meet men. You know when you go out and in your mind you just decide, ‘I’m going to have sex with the sexiest person I find in the room today’? That sort of thing is very exciting to me; it builds up my anticipation. Then there’s the chase — seducing a guy and positioning myself in such a way that makes them come talk to me. Of course in their head, they’re the ones who make the first move.

Was the sex great every single time?

Mostly. But there were awful experiences. The good overwhelmed the bad though. In one particular experience, I met a guy who almost made me lose my mind over sex.

How?

The first time we had sex, I had five orgasms. I had to beg him to stop, that it was okay for the night — I didn’t want my orgasm tap to run dry, abeg. Because it was the first time I experienced more than one orgasm, I did my research and saw that even though I was having a lot of sex, I hadn’t unleashed my orgasm potential.

So I hooked up with him again, and this time, I didn’t count how many orgasms I had, but it was a lot more than 5.

What did he do?

He was good with his hands, his mouth and literally every body part. I still pray for him now and then because he was the highlight of that year.

So I’m guessing you saw him a lot more?

Do you see a good thing and throw it away?

Haha. Fair. So what happened after your that year?

It was time to settle down and drop the wild life. A lot of my friends had settled down or were settling down. At first I thought that seeing them settle down wouldn’t affect me and that I was in no rush to get married. I was wrong. The pressure subconsciously built up. Be a bridesmaid twice or three times and it’s fine. But by the time you’ve featured in over a dozen weddings, people start to ask questions.

And it’s not like I didn’t want to settle down, I did. I didn’t just want to rush.

How did trying to settle down affect your sex life?

At first I wasn’t getting any. I legit went from solid rock to miry clay.

Eventually I started dating ‘seriously’ and met my husband, who is now my ex. When we first started dating, I had a checklist of things I wanted a potential husband to tick. I wasn’t dating only him, so I used that list on different men. At the top of the list was sex.

One week like that, I had sex with 6 different men back to back just to know who’ll reach the final stage on my list. My ex did. He ticked the sex box like mad. We had sex on Saturday night. Back then, I didn’t like having sex on Sundays because Sunday was a holy day.

That Sunday, we had sex in the morning, before breakfast, while making breakfast, after breakfast, before lunch and then in the evening before I went home. His stroke game was fire and his attention to detail was great, but I wasn’t getting the multiple orgasms I wanted. So I told him what to do and he did it. He was so eager to learn and to please me. That settled it for me. That was when I knew I was definitely marrying him.

Did he check every other thing on the list?

Most of it. To be honest, once he ticked sex in that vigorous way, there was no going back. Horny brain had entered and taken over. It came back to bite me later sha.

We had sex like we were sex-starved. Before and during the relationship, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It was so great that we had sex on the morning of our church wedding. We booked a separate room in the hotel that we stayed at and didn’t let anyone know about it. We snuck in there around 3am and had sex till day break.

Did sex take a huge chunk of your relationship?

Not really. We were just really fun and adventurous as a couple and sex was our outlet. We also liked and knew each other as a couple. Basically, we were compatible in and out of sex.

So what came back to bite you?

Having children. I didn’t want children and he wanted children. He loves children. He’s great with children. I married him with the mindset that he’d change his mind after a while. But he didn’t, and soon, it turned to fight. The great thing about those fights was that we’d make up immediately with sex.

Then it became very serious, my mother-in-law began to pressure me. My ex was very defensive anytime she brought up children. He’d tell her God’s time was the best and that when we’re ready, we’d have children.

This went on for a couple of years at which point I mistakenly got pregnant but had a miscarriage. This was probably the start of our actual problems. My husband held some grudge against me for miscarrying and believed that it was my fault the baby died.

I’m so sorry.

Don’t be. I was three months in and was planning to abort anyway.

Can I ask why you didn’t want children?

Nothing. I just don’t want children. Why must the default be that as a woman I want a child? In the grander scheme of things, I saw how having a child would derail my life and I’m just a selfish motherfucker like that.

I understand.

After we lost that baby, I decided to save my marriage and compromise. One child couldn’t hurt. Fortunately and unfortunately, I couldn’t have any more babies as a result of a health condition I had. We tried everything we could, but it didn’t work.

My ex said it was because I had already set my mind on not having children and that it was the mental becoming physical. I really can’t remember how he put it. He threw in a bunch of spiritual words — a new thing he’d picked up when he wanted us to have children. I just didn’t get why he was so hung up on having children.

What happened next?

After he said that, our marriage just went downhill and there was no saving it. No sex, no babies, no nothing. Meanwhile, I had become perimenopausal. I’d never heard of it before but during all the tests to know what was going on with my fertility, we found out that I was perimenopausal — transitioning to menopause at 38. I was hot all the time, I had serious mood swings and my periods were very irregular. Periods I didn’t care about; what I cared about was the loss of my sex drive.

It was a horrible time for me because we had decided to go through with the divorce and I just started to feel horrible about it — where do I start from? Who’ll marry me? Who’ll love me? Will I ever have great sex again? Maybe I’ll die alone. I felt really old. Then the comparisons set in; I’d look at all my friends and compare my life to theirs.

I’m sorry.

Meh. Must have been the mood swings and all.

How long have you been divorced?

A year now.

How’s the single life?

It’s okay. It’s not fantastic. My symptoms aren’t as terrible as during the divorce, so I’m glad I have a pin on that. I also take medication and use lubricants now. My skin looks great. I’m laughing these days, so yeah, it’s okay. I recently found out that my mother experienced something like this (perimenopause), so it’s possible that it runs in the family.

Married sex was really great. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get that again and this makes me sad. I am happy though that I’m no longer being pressured to do what I don’t want to do.

How’s your sex life?

A constant reminder that I’m not a young girl who can do wild things in bed. But I’m doing research on how to boost my sex drive. Imagine living life like this, with a meh sex drive forever. No abeg. I’m still too young to be battling loss of sex drive. I’m actively trying to get back into the game.

How often have you had sex since the divorce?

Not very often. During the divorce, I had sex a few times with my lawyer. I don’t even know if that’s ethical. It wasn’t fantastic sex, but I needed an outlet. We dated for a short time too. I broke it off because I couldn’t settle for nonsense sex. Not at my big age.

Do you think you’ll ever get remarried?

Yes. To someone that doesn’t want children.

Haha. Is sex still at the top of your list?

Between God and man, nothing can remove sex from the top of my list. Not even the threat of accidentally marrying a man who wants children. I’m joking oh, but you get how important sex is to me. Mo love sex baje baje.

I feel you. How would you rate your sex life?

Going by the present, it’s a 4. Going by what I’ve done in the past and where I see myself in the future, it’s a 10. My ex and I had a good run. I believe nothing lasts forever. Time to enter phase 2.

Where do you see yourself in the future?

There’s a lot of potential I still haven’t unleashed. A lot of experiments I haven’t tried. I’d like to do some of that.

What kind of experiments?

Everything from pegging to rimming.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 34-year-old heterosexual man who’s been married for half a decade. He talks about racking up a body count of over 350 in his 20s and how things have changed since he settled down.

What was your first sexual experience?

I grew up as a church kid, so I was team ‘virginity until marriage’. All through secondary school, the occasional hug got me so excited. Whenever it happened, I would feel like I was eating the forbidden fruit. Yes, I’m still talking about just hugging.

It was a lot. I even remember ending a relationship because we kissed. I think I was in SS1. I kissed her and for like two weeks, I was riddled with so much guilt. I just had to break up with her.

Wow. What happened after secondary school?

You know how this story goes now. I entered university and started rolling with “bad boys”. That’s also the period I realised I was conventionally attractive, so I started making out with a lot of babes.

The first proper sexual experience I had was getting head when I was 17. It was with a babe I had met on hi5. That’s the moment I realised this thing I had been running from was actually sweet. The next year, I had penetrative sex for the first time.

Were you still religious at this point?

I would say yes, but I was already halfway into rebellion. So, I still prayed and read my bible, but it wasn’t uncommon for me to go straight from the club on Saturday night to my church on Sunday morning, complete with a hangover.

I remember praying for forgiveness A LOT.

So, what was penetrative sex like for you?

I won’t lie, it was disappointing as fuck. Since I had initially planned to save myself for marriage, I was expecting my first time to end up being some kind of magical, almost cinematic moment. It wasn’t even close to that.

It happened after I went out with a bunch of friends. Couples were pairing up for the night, and the last people standing were me, one babe and another guy. I was still dulling, but the babe just got up and told the other guy to be going to his house.

After he left, she led me into a room and brought out a condom. I didn’t tell her it was my first time, but it must have been clear that I didn’t know what I was doing. After like three thrusts, my boner disappeared and we ended up gisting for the rest of the night.

LMAO. Ah. What happened next?

Literally the next morning, I went on the internet to research everything I could about sex — from positions to foreplay. I gave myself time to prepare. It was like all those action movie montages where the hero is training for a rematch after getting brushed.

Don’t kill me. How long did you train before your “rematch”?

About a month or two. The next time was much better, but there was a catch: I didn’t come. In fact, I had sex about 10 more times with three different partners before I had an orgasm.

Wait. What?

Yup. I would just keep thrusting until I lost my boner.

Were you even enjoying the sex?

Do I know? At that point, I was foolishly measuring my enjoyment by how many rounds I could do. So, I can’t tell you whether I was actually enjoying it. All I can tell you is that I was feeling myself because I was “beating that pussy up”.

So, when did you eventually orgasm from sex?

It happened when I met this older woman. I was 20 and she was 25. After we’d had sex twice, I confided in her that I thought I might be impotent. She helped me unpack my entire approach to sex, which was really me just treating it like a competition.

She taught me to focus on mutual pleasure. I’ve never forgotten that. She was the first person I had an orgasm with. We stopped hooking up after she got married, even though she was engaged when we met.

Seriously? That wasn’t an issue for you?

Nah. I even hooked up with a few other married babes. Honestly, I had a pretty wild run in my 20s. You know how they say once a good person goes bad, they basically fly off the deep end? That was me.

Just how wild are we talking here?

Guy, I was a bastard. I slept with about 350 women, both at home and abroad. I lived in multiple cities where I was the token black guy, so I ended up giving a lot of white women their “black experience”. I know it’s dumb, but I was really doing the most.

When did you cool down?

The older I got, the more exhausting the whole thing became. So, I eventually decided to focus all that energy into my work. By the time I met my wife, I’d been out of the game for a little while. I was ready to enter the next level of maturity.

So, what’s your sex life like now these days?

Married.

LMAO. What does that even mean?

I heard this joke that pretty much sums it up. If you put a coin in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of marriage, and then remove one every time you have sex in the second year, you’ll still have a full jar.

That being said, my sex life isn’t actually bad. Considering the fact that we’ve been married for over five years and have two kids, I think it’s safe to say that we are not doing terribly in that department.

How was it when you first met?

We lived in different cities when we were still dating, so whenever I travelled to her city, there was this sense of urgency. We’d have sex non-stop. We only took breaks to eat and drink water. Then we got married and both decided to move back to Nigeria.

We were still having a lot of sex for a while. She got pregnant within the first year.

How often would you say you have sex now?

On average, we have sex once a week. Moods permitting on both our parts, but mostly hers. Thankfully, we’ve gotten into a rhythm where we try to have sex consistently enough to keep the passion alive, even though it can feel a bit too scheduled.

Once in a while, when I do something nice — like randomly send her money or buy her a shoe she was eyeing — I know I’m having sex more than twice that week. That also applies to random small gestures too, like sending flowers or visiting her at work.

Is once a week enough for you?

It was tough at first, but I’ve learnt to accept it. Sure, I could do with more, but I’m not complaining. Every now and then, I do get more. Sometimes we reach three times a week out of nowhere, and I’m like, ‘Wow. Look at us.’

Does scheduling take the passion out of it?

Yeah. It definitely does. Especially when we outrightly discuss it: “No let’s not have sex today, let’s do it tomorrow.” In those times, I’m just like, ‘Is this what it has turned to?’ Still, I just take it like it is.

Sometimes, I’m the one that’s not in the mood to have sex. I can imagine 25-year-old me laughing his ass off, but yeah, that’s my reality now. These are just some of the things that happen when you get older.

Can’t imagine that having kids makes it any easier.

It really doesn’t. Sometimes, we’ll be cuddled up in bed, ready to get it on, and one of the kids will just burst into the room. I’ll just be there thinking, ‘I love you, but can you geddifok?’

Has there been a conversation about spicing things up?

Yeah. Well, while I was gallivanting in my 20s and putting my dick into every hole I could find, I was my wife’s first. So we are not on the same experience level. I’ve been trying to add sex toys into the mix for a while, but she’s not really into it.

I definitely can’t suggest anything like a threesome because she’ll stab me. She’ll poison me and stab my dead body. I don’t mind though, I think threesomes are overrated. I’ve explored enough for one lifetime, and our sex is pretty good as it is.

Oh wow. You were her first?

Yeah. Sometimes, I even tease her that she doesn’t know what she’s enjoying because she doesn’t have any other experiences to compare it to. I think sex is as much a talent as it is a skill, and I’ve had A LOT of practice.

Does she know about your wild past?

Yeah, she knows most of it. The ones I can remember at least. She doesn’t hold it against me. She even used to tease me when we were dating that I was the stereotypical bad boy who found a good girl to settle with.

Do you ever miss that time in your life?

Nah. I think I’ve had my fill. Sometimes I do wonder how different things would have been if I was still as wild, but I don’t miss it. Maybe it’s a 30+ thing, but I just care less about doing a lot of the excessive things I was doing in my 20s. I’m very content.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

A 6. It’s not a fail, but it’s not a score to pat myself on the back over either. Speaking to my married friends, I know that I’m in the top half when it comes to frequency. Maybe when the kids grow up and need a little less attention, we can get our groove back.

What if you have another kid?

No, abeg. I’m probably getting a vasectomy this year.

Probably?

Well, that shit is pretty much permanent. So, yeah, probably.

When did you start having sex?

Did you continue having sex though?

What does that mean?

Okay. How did that go?

Did you stop there?

Haha.

Did you eventually have sex in camp?

You had caught feelings?

Did you see anyone in the meantime?

And what about the second time?

LMAO. Wow. What did you do after NYSC finished?

Did you find her?

What’s the sex like?

How often do you have sex?

Haha. What’s it like now?

Are you still attracted to her?

Sounds fair.

What does she think about your desire to become celibate?

How?

And you’re sure you’re not asexual?

So how would you rate your sex life?

When did you have sex for the first time?

Ah. I see. So what was your first sexual experience?

That’s interesting.

Why not?

So why were you doing it?

So what happened next?

How did it go?

LMAO

Had you kissed anyone at that point?

True. When did you eventually kiss someone?

Mad.

So how did you realise your sexuality?

So when did you have sex for the first time?

Let’s start with the sex.

Wow.

Oh wow.

Yikes.

What did they say was wrong?

Did this experience affect you in any way?

You’ve not had sex since then?

Do you miss it?

Are you still religious though?

What was your first sexual experience?

That sounds like assault.

How else did your religion affect your approach to sex?

LMAO. Don’t kill me.

Amen.

LMAO. What kind of relationships did you have with women at the time?

Is that what happened?

Did you guys do anything sexual before you got married?

So, both of you did everything except penetrative sex?

What was the first penetrative experience like?

Oh wow. Did your wife feel the same way?

How often was it happening?

Wow. So you haven’t enjoyed sex since you got married?

Not with your wife? There have been other women?

LMAO. How has that been?

How many people have you been with outside your marriage?

Is it just about sex or are these encounters deeper?

Wait. Is your marriage actually open or are you cheating?

How has this arrangement affected your marriage?

Would you say you’re still religious?

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

What was your first sexual experience?

I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

Wow What?

What did you eventually do?

That’s unprofessional.

That’s bullshit. Was there a reason you hadn’t had sex before 25?

That’s interesting. Before this time, did you have any other sexual experiences?

Why did you think so?

When did you get past this?

What happened after NYSC?

That’s incredibly insensitive. I’m sorry.

I’m really curious about when you started enjoying sex.

The tea I want.

What?

Did you continue to have sex with him?

That doesn’t sound good. I’m curious about how this experience affected you.