What If Ozark Was a Nigerian TV Show?

January 21, 2022

Anyone who’s seen Ozark will tell you that it’s a very creepy show with characters who just choose violence all the time. When they’re not blowing someone’s head off, they’re out adopting the children of the people they’ve killed. Since we like weird shit, we decided to re-imagine what the show would look like if it had a Nigerian cast. This list is chaotic, but trust us, we know what we’re doing. (Do we, though?)

Martin “Marty” Byrde — Ramsey Noah 

He’s the kind of guy that goes for midweek service, drops his children off at school every morning with a kiss and still has time to launder drug money for a cartel. If there’s anyone who can pull off that nice guy with an evil deadly secret charm, it’s Ramsey Noah. One minute it’s “let’s kneel and pray,” but before you know it, you’re in a dungeon begging for your life. 

Wendy Byrde — Nse Ikpe Etim 

For this role, we need someone with range and no one does range like Nse. Starting out as the unhappy and oblivious wife, Wendy transformed into a ruthless boss bitch that scares everyone till date, including her beloved husband. Balancing motherhood with money laundering is a lot of work, but we’re sure Nse can handle it. After all, she did leave a mark on us in King of Boys before she was banished to Ajah. 

Ruth Langmore — Jemima Osunde 

Don’t be deceived by her ‘I’m just a small girl’ look, this character can do and undo. We’ve seen her kill her uncle, run a strip club and also kick a man in his balls before throwing him off a ship. She is dangerous AF. Even though we’ve not seen Jemima take on a role like this, we feel this would be the perfect time to show us what she’s capable of. Abi, what do you think? 

Wyatt Langmore — Olumide Oworu

He’s very smart, but down the line, our guy starts having coital relations with a grandma. While we respect his choices, she’s a serial killer as well so it’s a bit tricky. Why do we think Olumide is the best guy for this role? Well, they’re like the same height and as casting agents, height is very important to us. T for thanks. 

Darlene Snell — Patience Ozokwor 

This is the grandma Wyatt is piping. She blows someone’s head off, kills a pastor’s wife and poisons her husband’s coffee; need we say more? The only difference is that Mama G would’ve probably done all of this using juju from the babalawo down the street. We Stan a queen that chooses traditional violence over colonizer violence. Yassssss. 

Helen Pierce — Iretiola Doyle 

She’s a girl boss who’s ruthless, well-dressed and well-spoken. This is probably the easiest casting for us because if there’s one person who can bitch-slap you while teaching you how to conjugate a verb, it’s Iretiola Doyle. Remember when she shaded her own daughter on the internet? Cold, but it just made us Stan harder. 

Maya Miller — Ann Njemanze 

She’s been playing a detective on Tinsel since Nigeria’s independence, might as well just continue that role on our imaginary show. 

Ben Davis — OC Ukeje 

He came in last season as the cool uncle and we fell in love with his character.  If there’s someone who can embody Ben perfectly and make us root for his character, it’s OC Ukeje. This decision was hard because we’re still in tears over — never mind.

Frank Cosgrove Jr. — Etim Effiong

Every character he’s played so far has been annoying as hell so it just makes sense.   

Omar Navarro — Bimbo Manuel 

We needed someone who can pass for a nice grandpa and still run a global drug ring syndicate, so we turned to Bimbo Manuel. Omar is scary, but in a non-violent way. Does he want to kill me or does he want to give me money? With Omar, it’s hard to tell. 

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