My brain does this weird thing where it forms silly attachments to memes and videos I’ve seen once and just runs with it.
Which is why today I’ll be recapping one of my favourite Nollywood movies, Abuja Connection.
No, I have never watched this movie, but I have seen the one meme from it:
And my brain has decided we love it.
The movie starts with a dick-measuring contest between the self-acclaimed baddest bitches of Lagos, Jennifer (Clarion Chukwurah) and Sophia (Eucharia Anunobi). Sophia accuses Jennifer of talking shit about her to a client.
Sophia and Jennifer threaten to give everyone a show and turn the expressway into a WWE viewing centre.
Sophia decides publicly disgracing herself like that isn’t worth it and walks away. But Jennifer, not the one to let anything go, calls the police and has them arrest Sophia’s entourage of musclemen, and she just stands by and watches it happen.
Sophia and Jennifer meet again at Princess’s (Ngozi Ezeonu) house, and the battle of bad bitches picks up from where they left off.
But Princess, the head of whatever clique they’re cliquing, isn’t having any of it.
She tries to talk to them, but like two Nigerian women in love with the same broke man, they ignore her and continue fighting each other.
Carol (Oby Edozie), Jennifer’s right-hand woman, jumps in to defend her babe and starts making all the mouth in all the seven seas about her juju and its ability to do and undo.
But apparently, all of that was false advertising.
After the fight, she goes to her Babalawo, tail tucked between her legs, in search of a better charm to give her rich men instead of the broke ones she keeps having genital meet and greets with, and he does.
Until now, I was kind of rooting for Carol, don’t ask me why.
She bragged about the potency of her charms, then went to fortify herself to make sure the charms actually work well.
All great ideas until I found out her final master plan was simply to walk up to men driving big cars and use her juju on them.
Carol’s new charm works exceptionally well, and Oliver, her new man friend, gets her a boutique.
Meanwhile, in the who-is-the-baddest-bitch contest of early 2000s Lagos, Sophia and Jennifer fight over yet another contract.
Now, I think they should just start playing rock, paper, scissors. Whoever wins gets whatever new human trafficking contract they are vying for. All this fight and drama is not needed.
Actually, I take it back. They should continue fighting like mint leaves in a glass of Lagos mojito.
Jennifer blackmails Sophia with her drug-dealing past, and Sophia drops the contract faster than you can say Jack Robinson.
After Jennifer carries out the contract, Sophia decides she’s done playing Jennifer’s game.
I love a queen that means what she says and is about the action. Sophia goes to a native doctor in search of money and power.
Washing my hands off Sophia, because she’s now doing too much.
I can’t with this ritual. So, she pounds the … I don’t know what it is, it looks like soil and dirt, and then the native doctor pours what looks like piss into it and strains it into a bowl. It’s giving the tea I used to make with dirt as a child.
On the other side of town, Jennifer gets two visitors:
Both of whom know nothing about each other.
While Jennifer was being a two-timer, Sophia was using her time to do other things …
… like venture deeper into ritualism.
The man under that clothe, left his wife and daughter to answer Sophia’s booty call. He should collect anything he sees.
I blame Princess for all of this, if she had taught Sophia and Jennifer better, or had told them more often that they were big fools, none of this would have happened.
Anyway, Sophia packs her money into a travel bag, and rolls out of the room.
I can’t wait to watch part 2, because Sophia has gone and brought a gun to a knife fight, and Jennifer is going to be blindsided. But I trust the baddest bitches of Lagos, they’ll give me a good fight.