Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping “A Weekend to Forget.”
“The reunion of seven friends takes a deadly turn when old tensions resurface, leading to a murder. Trust is shattered, turning friends into enemies, and they must unravel the mystery behind the murder.”
– The movie’s synopsis on Prime Video
The movie starts with a man named Chief Ajasa (Akin Lewis) stepping out of an elevator and lighting a Cuban cigar right in front of a no-smoking sign. This is so you know he’s a villain who doesn’t give a shit about rules.
The movie then cuts to another guy named Asaolu (Francis Onwochei) in a hotel room having a genital meet & greet with an unnamed girl. He’s so engrossed in his genital bump session that he doesn’t notice two enormous men dressed in all black enter the room.
By the time he notices, it’s too late. The enormous men grab him by his boobs and toss him around.
Chief Ajasa has orchestrated this. He’s pissed because Asaolu was supposed to give him a business contract but gave it to someone else. So he’s decided to retaliate by doing this:
I haven’t been more gagged by the opening of anything since Game of Thrones‘ pilot episode hit viewers with the insane combo of incest and child murder.
After a title card, we meet Chief Ajasa’s daughter, Lisa (Uche Montana), a popular vlogger (?), and her boyfriend, Bem (Neo Akpofure). Bem has come to pick Lisa up so they can go on a weekend trip with a few of their friends. Chief Ajasa is there to say goodbye to Lisa when he notices the car Bem arrived in and is like:
Chief Ajasa suggests they take his SUV since he doesn’t like the idea of his precious daughter riding in Bem’s rickety ass car. Bem and Lisa agree to this and immediately get in and drive off.
Next, we meet Tito (Stan Nze) and Nodal (Erica Nlewedim). Tito is the newest Nollywood star on the scene, and Ndali is his manager/girlfriend. When the movie introduces them, they’re at a product placement photoshoot for Lord’s dry gin, and Tito is showing more boob than a horny teenager in a low-budget slasher film.
Can my fellow Ayesha Erotica fans in the house MAKE SOME NOISE!!!
When the photoshoot is done, Tito and Ndali head out for the weekend trip.
Next we meet Shima (Daniel Etim Effiong) and Layo (Ini Dima-Okojie). They’re married, and their childlessness is an ever-present elephant in the room because Layo wants one, but Shima kinda doesn’t. In their first scene, Layo has just gotten off a phone call with her mother.
Lastly, we meet Ferdinand (Elozonam Ogbolu), Bem’s cousin and wealthy playboy who has planned this weekend trip. Ferdinand welcomes everyone to the house he’s rented for them to party in, dressed in a cunty ass bathrobe.
There’s some tension in the group when everyone finds out Bem is coming. Shima especially makes it clear that he hates Bem’s guts.
Ferdinand takes them on a tour of the house and describes it like it’s about to be Wolf of Wall Street/The Great Gatsby levels of partying up in there, but it’s just a regular Airbnb with a few bottles of alcohol on the centre table.
What follows is an almost three-minute sequence of the most boring partying I have ever seen. The way it’s filmed is even weirder, soundtracked by KCee’s Ojapiano and with enough slow motion to shock Zack Snyder. There is one excellent shot of Ferdinand drinking champagne underwater, so I’ll just post that.
Later that day, Lisa is in the kitchen getting a bottle of water when Shima walks in and asks her how she’s been. It’s revealed that Shima is a lying bastard who dated Lisa for eight months and then ghosted her…while still married to Layo. Shima tries to gaslight her by saying:
And Lisa responds by gagging him.
She then reveals that she’s pregnant by showing him a picture of a positive pregnancy test kit.
And she threatens to tell Layo.
In the next scene, Lisa notices a giant butterfly tramp stamp on Tito’s lower back. She immediately recognises him as Jay Rocker, a famous pornstar from Xvideos, and even says she has one of his videos saved on her phone. Tito denies this with all the energy of Michael Jackson denying the plastic surgery allegations and storms off. He informs Ndali that he’s about to be exposed, and she promises to handle it.
She threatens Lisa with a defamation suit, and their interaction goes like this.
Not long after this, this happens:
Sizwe Bansi Lisa is dead. Layo, who is a doctor, checks the body and says it’s murder. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. We’re in a classic whodunit.
Things get messy as hell from here.
Tito decides to leave because he can’t have his rising star extinguished by being involved in such a scandal. Bem locks the doors and screams that none of them can leave until they figure out who murdered Lisa because he will not be suffering the wrath of Chief Ajasa by himself.
Remember Chief Ajasa? It seemed like he would be a big part of this movie, huh?
Anyway, Tito tries to fight Bem for the keys but gives up when Bem retaliates by slashing Tito’s arm with a knife.
While Layo helps treat Tito’s wound, Ndali steals Lisa’s phone so she can delete Tito’s videos.
Let’s talk about this pornstar subplot for a bit.
If Lisa didn’t recognise Tito’s face when she met him for the first time and used the butterfly tattoo to clock him, that means Tito doesn’t show his face in any of the porn videos he made. This also means that Lisa’s death lets him off the hook because she was the only one who knew.
Another thing is Lisa stated she downloaded the video from XVideos, which means that all Titos videos are pretty much on every free porn site already.
So why is Ndali still trying to delete the video?
Shima is looking for bandages to help with Tito’s wound when he finds a positive pregnancy test kit in Layo’s box. He assumes it’s the one Lisa showed him a picture of and that Layo knows of his affair. So he goes to the living room and confesses to her in front of everyone. It turns out that Layo had no idea, and the pregnancy test is hers. She was going to surprise him with the news later. She’s pregnant, which is cool, but she also just found out her husband be cheating, so damn.
Bem sees this as a motive for Shima to have murdered Lisa, but Shima insists he was in his room with Layo, and she backs him up. Ferdinand asks Bem to relax, and Bem replies by throwing accusations Ferdinand’s way. Ferdinand asks what his motive is, and Bem says:
Ferdinand is like:
And he’s right. Bem throws his accusation as if Lisa knew about it and was going to expose Ferdinand. But we never know if she did because the movie never establishes this.
Shima, Tito, and Ferdinand are plotting to pin the murder on Bem when an alarm on Lisa’s phone goes off, and the phone is found in Tito’s pocket. Bem brandishes his knife at Tito, demanding to know why Tito has Lisa’s phone, so Tito confesses that he used to do porn before he became famous. There’s an unintentionally funny scene where Bem unlocks Lisa’s phone, and the first thing that pops up is the porn video. Bem somehow recognises Tito in the video — even though no one’s face is showing — and recoils in horror.
Because how does he know it’s Tito if he’s not a fan?
Knowing that he looks guilty as hell, Tito tries to pin the murder on Ndali. And boy, is she pissed when she finds out.
Layo and Ndali later find the murder weapon in Bem’s closet.
After a quick fight to subdue Bem, who kicks all of their asses, Ndali knocks Bem out with a vase. They all decide to pin the murder on him and toss him in the pool to die for some reason. Bem wakes up after landing in the pool, but all the guys hold him under until he drowns in the worst death scene since Talia Al Ghul’s in The Dark Knight Rises.
They place Bem and Lisa in the driver and passenger seats, respectively and roll the car into a ditch, making it look like they both died in an accident. They then clean the house and leave the following day, promising each other never to speak of the weekend’s events. Ndali also breaks up with Tito and drops him as her client.
When Shima and Layo get home, Shima finds a necklace with an L-shaped pendant in his car. He remembers giving it to Lisa while they were dating and suspects Layo is the killer. He confronts her when they’re both in the house, and she’s like:
Layo explains that she didn’t plan the murder but was driven to madness after confronting Lisa and finding out about the pregnancy. Shima can’t expose Layo because she’s now carrying his child. So the movie ends just like Gone Girl did.
Chief Ajasa sashays back into the movie’s plot and has his men find the car containing Bem and Lisa’s bodies. Then we get this: