Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping Merry Men 3: Nemesis.
The following tweet is my official intro for this article.
Let’s get into it.
The movie starts with a flashback to an unspecified point in time when the entire world was covered with the sepia filter Hollywood uses for films set in Mexico. We’re introduced to two characters, Dafe and Ayo, played by the worst child actors I’ve ever seen. Ayo is showing Dafe a magic trick involving a coin.
After a title card that serves PS1 realness, the movie returns to the present day and drops us smack in the middle of a police car filmed and edited like the director was trying his hardest to make the audience vomit. Also, am I bugging or is this Andrew Tate??
The robber gets away after blowing up the police cars and returns to the rest of his crew. They takes off their mask and is revealed to be Dafe — one of the kids from the opening scene — now played by Chidi Mokeme. Dafe asks to be released from the robbery gang as he has paid what he owes (what this is all about will be revealed later), and the gang leader says no.
So Dafe kills the rest of the crew with poison (the poison somehow takes hold of all of them at the same time), shoots the leader in the face, and returns to Nigeria.
In the next scene, Ayo (Ramsey Nouah) is getting married to his girlfriend, Dera. Dera was played by Damilola Adegbite in the last movie, but:
As Ayo and Dera are reading their vows, a recording of Dafe’s voice starts playing over the church’s PA system. While Ayo’s groomsmen, Amaju (AY) and Johnny (Williams Uchemba), try to figure out what’s happening, the wedding guests are LIVING for the drama. My favourites are these two:
Dafe makes them watch a live stream of their friend, Naz (played in the last movie by Jim Iyke but by a body double in this one), getting blown up with a car bomb on his way to Ayo’s wedding. All the main characters react to this death to the best of their actors’ abilities. But Naz’s girlfriend, Kemi (Rosaline Meurer), reacts by screaming directly into the camera for some reason, and it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.
Ajamu goes to warn fellow merry man Remi (played by Falz in the last movie) that there’s a new threat but finds him dead. All I can think about at this point is how many people declined to return to this franchise by saying, “Kill off our characters and use their deaths to kickstart this anyhow plot.”
While the merry men are grieving their losses, Dafe returns to his village to see his mother. He learns from his mother’s friend that his mother died months prior from an illness, and she couldn’t be treated due to a lack of health facilities in the village.
After he says this, Dafe comes to a conclusion.
Because he’s tired of them stealing the funds meant for things like health facilities. His first target is a politician named Chief Jimoh (Jide Kosoko). Jide Kosoko is in this movie for all of three minutes and spends 99% of that time doing this:
Dafe shoots Chief Jimoh in the face, anyway. He then kidnaps the priest and friend of the gang, Uduak Francis (played by Ejike Asiegbu in the last movie but now played by Sam Dede), and promises to let Uduak go if Ayo comes.
Ayo shows up, but to no one’s surprise, Dafe shoots them both. Uduak dies, but Ayo survives thanks to a bulletproof vest. Ajamu, Johnny, and Dera take Ayo to a hospital to be cared for by a Doctor Ejiro (played by famously 35-year-old actress and reality TV star Carolyna Hutchings).
The merry men find out they’re wanted by the police because Dafe has framed them for the murder of Chief Jimoh, so they return to their secret bunker to figure out what to do next. Amaju gets a call from prison. It’s Dame Maduka (Ireti Doyle), and she wants Amaju to visit her. Amaju is worried about being caught by the police, so he dons a disguise.
Y’all. Look at this disguise.
I haven’t seen a disguise this flimsy since Lupin. Jesus Christ.
I zone out for a bit, and something Dame Maduka says snaps me back to reality and makes me question the nature of the movie I’m watching.
Keep in mind that I didn’t alter the subtitles here. So I’m just sitting there like:
Dame Maduka says she has information on Dafe’s whereabouts and is willing to share, but only if the merry men break her out of prison. And they do, with the help of a character recruited by Dera named Zara (Ufuoma McDermott). Zara initially refuses to help because she’s worried about her son’s safety.
But Dera is like:
Zara robs a bank, intentionally gets caught, and is sent to the same prison Dame Maduka is in. I pause here to laugh at how easily this plan would’ve fallen apart if she’d been sent to another prison. Thank God for plot for convenience. After delivering Dame Maduka to the merry men bunker base of operations, Zara attempts to peace the fuck out…until Dafe sashays back into the movie’s plot to reveal that he’s kidnapped her son.
Zara freaks the fuck out.
She loses her entire shit and holds everyone at gunpoint for some reason.
Dame Maduka is just In the corner like:
Dame Maduka would be great at “So You Don’t Have To.”
Zara goes on a solo rescue mission and is promptly captured, beaten, and given the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego treatment. Except that in this case, she feels the fire and dies horrifically.
Dafe says he’ll release Zara’s son if the merry men kill the senate president. They agree. While they plan for this, Dame Maduka convinces Kemi (Naz’s grieving widow) to give her the code to the group’s vault in exchange for Dafe’s whereabouts so Kemi can get her revenge.
This is incredibly stupid because the merry men already know where Dafe is. This subplot only happens so Dame Maduka can clear the vault and run off with their money while they’re on their mission. But whatever, sha.
Ayo shoots the senate president on-camera…
…while Dafe watches with so much excitement, it looks like he’s creaming his jeans.
Dafe asks the merry men to meet him at Zara’s son’s favourite place. The merry men are confused because Zara, the only person who would know this, has been barbecued. Dera correctly guesses that it’s the Hakuna Matata theme park in Lekki because that’s where she met with Zara earlier in the movie.
And that’s when I clock what’s happening.
The movie’s climax is set up to happen at Hakuna Matata theme park due to a product placement deal between the park and the movie studio. I’m just like:
The merry men get there at the same time as the police. Dafe finds out that the merry men faked the senate president shooting video, so he angrily straps a bomb to Zara’s son’s chest. The merry men show up, and many fucking awful fight scenes happen concurrently. Dafe is defeated, and the merry men are free to go because their names have been cleared. It’s revealed that Ayo is the father of Zara’s son.
Meanwhile, Dame Maduka attempts to escape with the merry men’s money but is thwarted by the police.
Hopefully, for the last time, because I DO NOT want to see another Merry Men movie.