How To Annoy An Older Nigerian

July 1, 2019

Nigerians, much like the country we come from, can be varying reiterations of the same living, breathing paradox. One of the best examples is in how we view our attitude – Any description of Nigerians that does not use the word ‘resilient’ often feels incomplete, yet we have unimaginably short fuses.

Ever walked through Ojuelegba on a Monday evening, preferably between the hours of 5 to 6 pm? You can almost taste the anger in the air, whether it manifests as car horns tooting unnecessarily or frustrated office goers trying to find their way back home in time to manage 2.3 hours of sleep.

If you’re lucky enough, you might even catch a fight or two. Did you hear that short burst of noise followed by a heavy thud and then even more noise? That’s the fight. It already happened.

Nigerians get angry at just about everything. But older Nigerians – well, they’re in a class all their own. We could chalk it down to a number of things, but what matters is that they like things a certain way.

Never mind that this ‘way’ is like the Manchester United way, a myth that is only usefuul for criticising perceived slights. When things don’t go the way an older Nigerian wants, you will know.

Sometimes, as in one case that involved a certain Nigerian Nobel Prize winner and Tony One Week, they begin by acting like they’re angry on behalf of other people. But do not be deceived – as we’ve learned from our mothers and fathers, it can be beautiful to watch, except more often than not, like the bicep-tattoo guy from this story, you’ll end up being blamed for everything, even if you were completely within your rights.

To avoid stories that touch, many of us have had to learn the inner working of the older Nigerian’s mind since we first tried to hand our parents money with our left hands and spent the remaining week wondering if we were adopted.

We want to help you too – that’s why we put together a few things that are sure to annoy any Nigerian. I would advise you to not do these things, but seeing as you may be Nigerian too, just do as you wish. I’m not trying to annoy you either.

  • Tell Them To Line Up In A Queue

Nigerians live by our own laws – and we make them up as we go. It’s not that we are allergic to queues. It’s just that we know there are faster ways to get inside that bus than asking people to line up.

When you’re younger, it may involve flying in through the window. But when you’ve lived up to 60 years in this endless re-enactment of “12 Years A Slave”, the average Pa Bayo believes he’s earned the right to jump the queue and just get what you need done. Woe betide you if you dare ask him to respect the line? What could you ever know about respect?

  • Show Them That You Don’t Know Who They Are

This is how 90% of fights that happen in traffic get escalated. Random guy bashes other random guy’s car. The two begin a shouting match, then the older man hits turbo mode, beats his chest, raises his hands and shouts to the high heavens, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”.

No, we don’t, oga. Nobody does. Who you epp? Who are you? Do you have grey hair and stories of fighting in the Burma War that just don’t add up given you’re still alive? No? Now that you’ve been stupid enough to ask, kindly enjoy the endless trolling you just earned yourself.

  • Ask For Your Seat Back

Kindly see the Twitter post below. May God save us from fighting on behalf of people who did not send us message.

  • Show The Slightest Sign Of Disrespect

Or worse still, do something that shows you do not acknowledge or regard their presence. See, respect is to older Nigerians what croissants are to the French and Pasta is to Italians. That’s why the preferred Yoruba way of greeting older people can range from a slowed-down push-up to lying down with legs flailing like a beached whale.

I’m convinced that Nigerians have a secret pouch that you collect when we turn 30 where allows us to collect respect throughout the day and convert it into dollars or something. That’s the only explanation.

  • Serve an older Nigerian food without obstacles

‘Obstacles’ or ‘motivation’ is slang for the random, often lonely piece of meat or fish that motivates the average Nigerian to finish his/her meal. Never mind that in other climes, meat and fish are major parts of people’s diets as opposed to the way we present them as the cherry on the top of a giant bowl of rice.

God forbid you serve an older relative their food without meat; on the rare occasion that it’s unavoidable, you’ll have to apologise in person before serving the food. When you don’t, if they’re nice enough to not insult you in person, you’ll see it in the Church or Family Whatsapp group in a matter of weeks. Don’t ask how.

  • Having a Foreigner Insult The Country

No one knows how shitty Nigeria is more than the people who come from here, for obvious reasons. So kindly explain why we should allow a foreigner to leave their own country and drag our own through the mud? Answer na!

The funny thing about this is that we could well argue that the older generation of Nigerians oversaw our descent into the abyss – and many of them agree. But here’s the thing – they might not like the men in charge of our country’s affairs or how they’re running the country, they may drag us and our name in the mud in their Whatsapp BCs on a daily basis, But please be informed that they are the only people allowed to do these things. This thing should be in the official Nigeria Travel Guide even.

What other ways do you know to annoy just about any older Nigerian? What did we leave out? Let us know in that box below..

You'll like this

August 9, 2019

Since he first announced himself with “Tonight”, Nonso Amadi’s music has never been defined by his roots or particular influences. A self taught producer and vocalist, he’s become one of the faces of the new sounds coming out of Nigeria. As the internet propels this new wave and inspires collaborations like “War”, his 2017 EP […]

Segun Akande

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.


Now on Zikoko

June 6, 2020

If there’s one book every Nigerian child read, then it would be My Book of Bible Stories. That book satisfied our need for colourful pictures, as well as our desire to be told a story. It was vividly illustrated, and it’s perhaps safe to say that every child who read it wanted to be inside […]

June 6, 2020

Nigerian photographers are definitely on the list of the most annoyed Nigerian demographic. Chances are you are probably guilty of at least one thing on this list. Read the list before you deny it. 1. “I know someone who can do it for cheaper price”. Then why are we here, please? You brought me all the […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 30, 2019

With No Nut November FINALLY coming to an end, we’ve decided to mark the torturous month with some more horny content. After quizzes that guessed how many people you’ve slept with, how good you are in bed and who you’ll sleep with next, this one will guess when next you’ll get lucky. Take it to […]

October 14, 2019

Pete Edochie, Patience Ozokwor, Chinwetalu Agu, and Segun Arinze are some of the best villains Nollywood have gifted us. These actors mastered the art of playing the bad guys that it would be hella weird if they played anything else. Now, you might just be the one fit to fill their shoes and continue where […]

November 25, 2019

Last week, we guessed how many people you’d slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

More from Pop

June 4, 2020

If you ever wondered what Modern family would be if it was a Nigerian family, I wondered too. So I made it happen. First of all, Mitch and Cam would be tucked away somewhere safe in the abroad. Where Cam would be free to be as dramatic as he wants to be without his masculinity […]

June 2, 2020

Majek Fashek is dead. He was announced dead this morning — one of the latest tragedies of 2020. Full name, Majekodunmi Fasheke, Majek Fashek was a Nigerian singer-songwriter and guitarist. According to the news, Majek Fashek died in his sleep. His death was confirmed by his manager, Omenka Uzoma, on the late singer’s official Instagram […]

June 2, 2020

OPPO Mobile Nigeria is once again taking the lead in the Nigerian smartphone industry through the launch of the creative Reno3 “Urban 24” contest which it recently announced on its social media pages yesterday. With millions of Nigerian youth being very creative and fashion inclined, OPPO Mobile Nigeria seeks to support young and trendy aspiring […]

May 29, 2020

Yemi Alade — “Boyz” Last year, Yemi Alade dropped the cohesive and far-reaching Woman of Steel — easily her strongest body of work to date. Now, she’s back with her first single of the year, “Boyz”. On the deliriously catchy track, Yemi Alade gleefully sings about the kind of men she likes. This is the […]

May 27, 2020

DJ Spinall — “Pressure” ft. Dice Ailes Many Nigerian DJs try, but few are able to orchestrate a banger quite like DJ Spinall. For his latest effort, the Dice Ailes-assisted “Pressure”, he proves that he still remains undefeated. That being said, “Pressure” is Dice Ailes’ show through and through. The criminally underrated star shines on […]


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa
May 5, 2020
For the second season, we put an even more diverse motley crew of young Nigerians in front of a camera and asked them random questions about love, school experiences and more.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.