Who’s wearing red? Where is Messi? Is that not offside? Nobody asks more questions about football than the people who don’t really watch the sport. Answering their questions is not going to make them start watching it either, so if they stress you, stress them back by giving them these answers.

Who’s wearing red?

The Babalawos my dear, they’re trying to use juju to control the ball.

Is it a friendly match?

No o. Can’t you see that the players have  off shirt and are punching one another?

Is this not Chelsea playing?

No actually. It’s Enyimba o. They came to play a friendly match in the Premier League

Which one is Messi?

He’s the one wearing agbada with a cape behind it na.

Why is Messi not in Barcelona again?

Father lord. Where do I start from?

How many offsides are allowed in football?

I have no words for you.

I’m a die-hard Manchester United Fan

Someone who hasn’t watched football since 2010.

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