Following the successful launch of our satirical series, Interview With… on Friday, we are still very much in the bantering mood, so we’ve decided to sit down with a few more voiceless people.

For today’s interview, we have “spoken to” six frustrated Nigerian babies to let us know what their experiences have been like since they found themselves in Nigeria against their will.

Ann, 3 months.

I’ve been on earth about 200 times, and I’ve never filled Nigeria on my country allocation form, so imagine my shock when I found myself here. If God wanted to punish me, they should have just told me now.

June, 1.5 months

I am so tired of being here. My mum thinks I like to sleep, but I’m secretly trying to slide into a coma, so I can go back to baby heaven to fight. 

Alice, 12 months

I didn’t even fill a form, I was playing a little too much in heaven when God said they’ll scold me. The whole time I thought they will tell me to sing 20 times instead of the 15 times we usually sing, but instead, they sent me to Nigeria. Anyway, my parents are rich and are planning to move to Canada. Alice 1- God 0

Danjuma, 6 months

God did a slide show of all the countries, and when they got to Nigeria they only showed us the Eko Atlantic and Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. That’s how I filled Nigeria in my form and was born in Sagamu. I cry a lot hoping my mum will deliberately return me, but she’s experienced. She’s had 9 before me.

Tems, 8 months

My parents decided to teach me my A-Zs using countries, anytime they get to a country I filled as an option on my form, I start to wail. They don’t know why and they don’t understand. At whatever age God sees me again, it’s on sight. 

Tunde, 3 months

Maybe it’s because I picked New Zealand; maybe New Zealand and Nigeria are too close in the database, I don’t know. The delivery guy sha dropped me in Nigeria. I don’t even cry, I just don’t eat, let natural selection take its course. Mind you, I’ve been in New Zealand before, so I don’t know how the delivery guy could make such a silly mistake. 



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