Euphoria High School in This Nigeria? It’s Not Possible!

January 25, 2022

I started watching Euphoria in 2019 when the first season was released. Not sure how I heard about the show, but I’ve been hooked. 

Every time I watch a new episode of the show, I can’t help but reimagine what a Nigerian version of Euphoria High School would look like: 

1. Biology notes won’t let them have space for foolishness.

Where’s the time going to be doing foolish things up and down when they are writing 20 pages of biology notes dictated by the teacher or drawing rats and lizards.? We’ve never seen anyone in that school write notes or do school stuff. All we see them do is drugs. 

2. Wearing crop tops to school in Nigeria? When it’s not like you’re mad.

Maybe it’s me that didn’t go to a fancy high school, but I personally don’t know any secondary school in Nigeria that allows its students to dress the way the kids in Euphoria High School dress. Even if your school allows it, the matron is going to get jealous of your style and fashion and force the school to introduce uniforms. Shey you dey whine me?

3. They’ll be too busy preparing for WAEC.

I don’t think the kids on Euphoria actually have anything they look forward to, except drugs and sex. If they were in Nigeria, they’d be too busy worrying about passing WAEC and JAMB. Aren’t those kids in SS3? Why aren’t they reading and preparing for their university entrance exams? I have so many questions. Na so so party every night. 

4.The queer kids will never be out of the closet. 

You can’t even be openly gay in this regressive country with its violent gay laws, so just imagine being openly gay in a Nigerian secondary school. It’s not a very comfortable imagination. Even if the school seems cool and safe and it has a bunch of cool teachers, queer kids will still not feel comfortable enough to openly display their sexuality. 

5. One teacher will sha make life uncomfortable for them.

Either their Intro-tech or French teachers would find ways to make life uncomfortable for them. I don’t know what’s with either subject that comes with wickedness. Even if all the other teachers in the school are nice and accommodating of their excesses, their Intro-tech teachers must do anyhow. 

6. Nobody’s mummy will let them go out to party after 5 pm.

If you like, go out to a party after 5 pm with friends from your school, just make sure you get their parents to adopt you and you live the rest of your life with them since you have grown wings and now want to kill your innocent mum.

“Better go and party with your books in your room”

 

7. They would simply expel Nate at some point.

They’ll have simply asked Nate to carry his bags and never look back since he’s nothing but a menace. The only unfortunate thing is they’d have asked Fez to go home with him as well. Nigerian secondary schools don’t have time for nonsense.

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