Nigerian weddings are a nightmare, and since the government and the world recognize you as an adult now — and guys I mean people above 18 — you will begin to get a lot of wedding invitations. How fun! Here are a few tips, so you don’t feel lost on what to do and how to behave.
1. Establish that you are poor
You shouldn’t have to drink garri for two weeks because you bought Aso-Ebi. It’s not even your wedding. Make sure you explain how poor you are, so they don’t keep calling you. They should find someone else to fund their destination honeymoon. If showing up is not enough for them, my dear, save that cab fare.
2. No gift is too small
Remember when you first moved into your new place and almost proposed to that person that brought spoons as a housewarming gift? Exactly. Buy what you can afford, abeg. If they want to fight you, give them our number.
3. Do not sit at the back in the reception
You made the effort to go to a Nigerian wedding and now, you want to spoil it because you are shy? How will you get the souvenirs, especially if you paid for Aso-Ebi? Jazz up.
4. Choose one event and attend it
If you want to go for the church service, good. If it’s the reception, better. Except you bought shares in their marriage, I don’t know why you’d go for both. Nigerian weddings last for too long.
5. Wear whatever you want
If the bride is going to get upset that your dress looks better than her WEDDING GOWN, clearly she lacked imagination when she was choosing it, and that’s on her. Wear what makes you feel good, maybe you’ll meet a glucose guardian as that is their main base.
6. Prepare to be depressed
It is easier to tweet that when older people ask you when you’d get married, you’ll ask them why they haven’t died but it is hard to say it. If it’s a family wedding, then sorry to you and all the hot takes you’ll hear from aunties in a thirty-year-old loveless marriage. Airpods were created specifically to block out their voices.
7. Eat
Does burial rice slap? Yes, but wedding rice slaps just as hard. Nobody will judge you for asking for a take-home pack. They will look at you in all your singleness and give you two packs because they think you are starving. However, if you aren’t family, please prepare for insort.
8. Take pictures
One thing about Nigerian weddings is that the venue is mostly picture-worthy. Take as many nice pictures as your phone’s storage will let you. When I say take pictures, I don’t mean pictures from those photographers that appear out of nowhere, except you want to pay for something that you’ll end up keeping carelessly.
9. Have fun
Catch the bouquet if you are into that kind of thing, dance like it’s your wedding, eat, drink and be merry. If you are out when you should be resting, you might as well have fun.
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