Marriage is bat shit scary. What? Why are you all looking at me funny? I just said out loud what we all secretly think about. He who is without “how tf will I marry someone” should be the first to cast a stone.

Yh, I didn’t think so.

Anyway, seeing as young people generally feel the same way about the institution that is marriage, I asked them about the hill they are willing to die on concerning marriage. Some of the answers were interesting…

Here are some of the responses:

1) Marriage is not by force.

“See, many people are not fit to live with another person or raise kids. They know and have accepted this. I just wish other people would be self-aware enough to stop allowing society pressure them into something they don’t like or will ever be ready for.”

2) Big wedding = big spending.

“If your husband does not spend a lot of money making the wedding ceremony glamorous, it’s a sign that he is going to be stingy in the marriage. My dear, run.”

3) Is it your money?

“There’s a scene in Ozark where the actor has 24 hours to produce 8 million dollars or be killed by the Mafia. He explains the situation to his wife and they agree to unite as a family to pay off the money. Later that day, his wife empties their joint account and tries to elope with her secret lover.

After watching that scene, the hill I am willing to die on is that you should not share a bank account with your partner. Let each man eat from the sweat of their breast. Imagine someone eloping with my hard-earned money.”

4) There is nothing like too soon.

“I see people say that you should date for xx number of years before getting married and I think that’s silly. Some even say that marrying someone you met 6 months ago is too soon.

There is only so much you can simulate in a relationship. Marriage is way different. You only get good at marriage by being married and scaling the hurdles of life. Abi can relationship prepare you for the death of a child or cancer?”

5) Marry someone you can tolerate.

“People say marry your best friend and shit like that and that’s a big lie. Does your best friend live with you all year round? Do they snore? Marry someone you can tolerate on most days and find peace.”

6) Marry someone richer than you.

“It’s not compulsory to marry for love. You can get fond of a person with time. But it is compulsory that marriage helps you climb up financially and socially. Check that pali before you marry. So that your children will not swear for you the way I swear for my parents.”

7) Sexual chemistry is a must.

“Miss me with that no sex until marriage yarns. I have to make sure that the person I marry likes all the sexual things I like. I will now marry someone that will be telling me sorry while he’s choking me. I say disrespect me, you are saying sorry. Sorry for yourself.”

8) I believe in a soulmate…but.

“I totally believe in the concept of a soulmate. But, I believe you can have more than one. See, I love everybody and left to me, I will sleep with everybody. They are all my soul mates. I keep telling these women that they are all special to me but they don’t believe. I am just an equal opportunity lover who has so much love to give.”

9) No time.

“Once I finish University and I get a job that pays me at least N150,000 to N200,000, I am going to get married. My parents started with less and didn’t do so badly.

Premarital sex makes me feel guilty so it’s best I make it legal as quickly as possible. My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.”

10) Na wa.

“No matter who you choose or how well thought how you plan, you will still marry the wrong person. I think everyone should read this article for better context before they think I am some unhappy and miserable person.”

If you enjoyed reading this, you should read 6 Of The Biggest Lies Nigerians Have Told About Money.


Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.