It’s officially salary week. After waiting for January to hurry its ass up, we can finally see the finish line and we’re sure most of you have gotten the long-awaited credit alert. While you may be tempted to blow all this money on or before February 14, we’d like to remind you that sapa is still real and it’s always on the prowl . To avoid stories that touch, we listed a couple of preventive measures you can take to safeguard your salary until next month.
1. Withdraw everything and bury it in the ground
Out of sight, out of mind. The reason you keep spending your money like your father is Otedola is because you can see it in your account every day. If you want your money to last till next month, withdraw everything from your account, pick a random plot of land and bury it there. Make sure you don’t mark the spot. Every time you feel like going back, remember you have to dig up the whole plot of land before you find it. But don’t call us if someone else finds your money sha; all monies buried at owner’s risk.
2. Take it to Shiloh so they can double it
Remember when we told you to take your account number to Shiloh? Well, the eagle has landed. But we’ll need you to go back with the money so they can run you another miracle. Hold on to the hem of your pastor’s garment and don’t let go until they at least 2x your salary. If you have coconut head, they might quadruple it. Amen?
3. Give your mother to keep it for you
If you think about it, she’s been saving money for you since you were a child. Have you ever seen the money? No. But every time someone gave you money growing up, she collected it and told you she’s “keeping” it for you. Who knows, maybe when she finally gives you all that money, you can buy a house in Banana Island.
4. Delete all your social media apps and run
If you’re smart, this should be a no-brainer. One of the reasons your salary doesn’t last is because you’re always buying unnecessary shit from Instagram vendors and going to the fancy restaurants you see on people’s stories. To dodge the trap of incoming poverty, delete all the social media apps on your phone. The only social media app you should have is LinkedIn, plus calendar, clock and calculator to keep track of all your expenses.
5. Break up with your partner and avoid relationships
You want to save money but you’re out here doing love and spending money on dates? You must be a joker. In fact, look for a red marker and start painting your face like a clown. One of the easiest ways to save your money is by avoiding relationships like coronavirus 3.0. If anyone tells you, “Hi,” tell them to go and greet their daddy because you’re not doing. Stay focused.
6. Buy a bag of garri and drink it every day for 30 days
Someone in the Bible fasted for 40 days and 40 nights; surely you can survive on soaking garri for only four weeks. Think of the greater good here: suffering builds character.
7. Find the person that multiplied his salary 23x
We still feel like this story has long legs. But then again, maybe we’re just jealous because we can’t even manage to double our salaries. If you can find him and learn from him, then good for you. If his method works, dear, please don’t be selfish, send us a DM so we can jot one or two fings down.
8. Avoid broke people
Please and please, shey you know that broke people can’t help each other? How do we know you’re broke? My dear, you’re reading this post. If any of your broke friends asks you to come out, reject their offer with vim because you’ll end up spending money you don’t have. To make sure you don’t go broke before next month, we’ll advise that you only roll with the rich. But don’t be doing anyhow o, be a classy parasite.
9. Tell your family members you’re dead
It’s crazy how certain family members can smell your salary all the way from the village. It’s almost like they’re in the same WhatsApp group with your boss. The money lands like this and the next thing, one uncle that bathed you when you were three years old is calling you to help a cousin you didn’t even know existed. Best solution? Fake your death. Make a Facebook post and WhatsApp broadcast that you’ve passed away. They don’t have Instagram or Twitter, so you’ll be fine.
10. Sit at home
People who sit at home save more. It’s simple mathematics. If you stay home and eat the garri we asked you to buy, you’ll be fighting with Dangote over who’s richer in like two years. We know what we’re saying.