1) You, when you get a Z!koko job and you think your work is play.
Pashun! dream job!
2) When you now realize it’s not beans at all.
Who sent me? Follow your dream, follow your dream, now I don hang.
3) When you write a listicle and it has 50 comments.
Changes bio to content strategist. Digital media strategist. Content god.
4) When you write something you think is really boring and everyone loves it!
I heart you guys.
5) How you think of what to write every morning.
O God of inspiration, direct our noble cause.
6) When you think you’ve written something interesting and it has zero comments.
It do usually pain.
7) When one of the readers now say they don’t understand the rubbish you’ve written.
Pls dear.
8) When you see people cursing Zikoko writers.
“Zikoko, you people are mad.” “Zikoko, it’s you that’ll never find love.”
On top small civil play.
9) When one reader is now trying to do oversabi in comments section and Z!koko readers drag the person for you.
Look at God.
10) You, when you see your friends struggling to their office in suits.
Godspeed guys.
11) Every time you remember you have the best job ever, you’re like:
As we are all aware, the rainy season is here. And while we like how rain makes the weather cool for us, we have to admit Nigerian rain can be extra! Here are all the things you need to survive.
1. If you don’t have a big umbrella in this weather, you’re on your own.
Not all those small ones that can fly away with small wind o!
2. Nylon bag, or even sack sef for added protection.
To tie on your head when your umbrella is not having sense.
3. Original bathroom slippers is an absolute must.
To help the life of your loubs and nike shoes!
4. Canoe and paddle for all the times the rain is proving stubborn.
When the rain decides to turn everywhere into river.
5. Life jacket, for those of us that cannot swim.
If you cannot afford the canoe, kuku buy this one.
6. Forget lamp, lantern and kerosine is the way forward.
When NEPA will not even let you charge lamp nko?
7. Everybody needs a Sugar Parent
Because Sugar Daddy can send Range. Sugar mummy won’t even let you go anywhere
8. Okay, forget everything for a moment, see this Firewood?
That is what you need to become this season. “Weather for two” is a dangerous idea. Baby food is expensive. Be wise.
1. When you’re trying to enter a club but your baby face is blocking your joy
Is it now a crime to look like a baby girl?
2. When you now have to bribe the bouncers to let you in
Just take it and let me enter, abeg.
3. You, when you see hot babes walking in without wahala
What an insult! What a betray!
4. When you now finally enter, you’re like
One-in-town babe.
5. When annoying people won’t let you dance in peace and keep bringing their sweaty bodies to your side
Please, just gerrarahia.
6. You, when you thought the music couldn’t be louder but the DJ proves you wrong
Shebi you want to spoil my ear drums? Carry on.
7. When you ask for a drink and they call one ridiculous price
There’s water at home sha.
What’s clubbing in Nigeria really like?
1. When you sight them from afar and see how short they are
But this guy said he’s 6’2!
2. When you finally see their real face and it’s nothing like the picture you saw
Things are not even adding up in this place!
3. What of when they have mouth and body odor?
Cancelled! For life!
4. When they appear to have sense online but their brain is empty in real life
Ko le werk!
1. You, when you remember you’re about to see your wicked seniors again.
Stupid seniors that only know how to send you message.
2. When you realize there won’t be delicious food for you anymore.
Only salt and beans for the next months!
3. You, when you realize you can’t sleep past 5 o’clock for the coming term.
Can my parents just put me in a day-school already?
4. When you remember you won’t see your family for the next 90 days.
Not even my mummy that pampers me anyhow.
5. How you now start having nightmares the night before you go to school.
Hay God!
6. How you balance on the toilet for hours, because you know it’s only shotput after today.
You can only shotput after night prep sef.
7. You, when you’re eating that final meal before you leave home:
Before I face my cube of sugar meat in dining.
8. When you’re now almost in school and you see the signboard.
My wahala is about to start!
9. When you enter the gate and the first set of people you see are your wicked seniors.
It’s my God that will punish all of you.
Goodluck Jonathan and his corrupt officials have once again given us international exposure nobody asked them for
If you’re not sitting down, you should, because this one is BAD! It’s TERRIBLE!
Under our nose, Jonathan and former Minister of Petroleum during the Abacha regime, Dan Etete, sold our birthright to Shell
Recently uncovered evidence shows that Shell was involved in a bribery deal with Dan Etete, who is also the owner of this fake company, Malabu Oil(which he set up with our money in 1995, by the way). Somehow, in 2014, Etete got about $801 million of $1.1bn- money from the proceedings of the sale of one of OUR oil fields to oil giant Shell and Italian Oil company, Eni – to Malabu.
More baffling is the fact that the oil field -OPL 245- is worth $500bn in untapped oil!
At the time dem Jonah struck that Malabu deal, this is what $500bn in naira was:
OPL 245 as it’s called was one of our most valuable resources, worth 499 times more than what it was sold. Why do our leaders insist on selling our futures for temporary gain? Why?
Dan Etete, a convicted felon in France, was allowed access to such huge deals during the Jonathan’s administration. Where in the world does that happen? And what is Buhari’s government doing about it?
In 2011, Shell had to pay another $30 million for briberies alone. Foreign media say this is possibly ‘Big Oil’s Worst Scandal’ because Shell knew the transactions were illegal and denied them until last Sunday.
Will Jonathan and his cohorts be prosecuted?
A govt that has details of theft of public funds on the scale of this Malabu deal but hasnt secured a conviction of 1 person has failed abeg
One of the documents uncovered showed how some of the money was split
Nigerian businessman Aliyu Abubakar withdrew $54,418,000 in cash.
$466,065,965.44 withdrawn in cash and subsequently funneled to government officials including President Goodluck Jonathan, Attorney General Mohammed Bello Adoke, Minister of Petroleum Diezani Alison-Madueke, Minister of Defence and former National Security Advisor Aliyu Gusau.
$10,026,280 to former Attorney General Christopher Adebayo Ojo
$11,465,000 paid to former Senator Ikechukwu ObiorahForeignpolicy.com
We should all be mad. We were robbed, again and again.
Children like the one in this picture will haunt the conscience of the Malabu crowd & similar Grand Pillages. #EVILpic.twitter.com/16JYXssnyn
The United Nations says the funds it needs to resolve the famine crisis currently brewing in Northern Nigeria is about 1.5 times the amount collected from the sale of OPL 245. About 5 million people face starvation. Nigeria currently has no oil refineries, and electricity generation is at an all-time low.
The case is still being investigated and it’s unclear which way it will spin for now. But hopefully, everyone involved gets the justice they deserve.
Everyone got a little high on excitement after Efe won the Big Brother Naija reality show
So Garba Shehu though it would be a nice idea to jump on Efe’s catch phrase ‘based on logistics’
Based on Logistics, PMB is committed to delivering on the 3 key areas that he promised (Tackling Corruption, fixing the Economy & Security).
For all the people who missed the Big Brother finale last night, there was only one winner!
Efe won the prize money of N25 million as well as a brand new Kia Sorento.
Okay he wasn’t the only one who one. Bisola was the 1st runner up and also won a trip to New York to attend a United Nations event, courtesy of ONE Campaign
And Tboss, who came 3rd, won a N500,000 gift card from Pay Porte for winning most of the Arena Games
To understand the import of the @dino_melaye Anthem,for those who do not understand the Yoruba language,we have helped with some subtitle. pic.twitter.com/J9nTAodcGc
Nigeria is currently experiencing a terrible Cerebro Spinal Meningitis (CMS) outbreak, with about 328 people killed already. We told you about the signs and symptoms here.
But Abdulaziz Yari, the Zamfara State Governor, thinks the outbreak is upon us because we’re all sinners
Zamfara State is the worst hit and has the highest number of casualties. When he was questioned about this, he blamed God instead. Read the full story here.
Apparently, this Governor has talked to God in a WhatsApp message and God has revealed the reason we’re suffering from CMS to him
You, when you realize most Nigerian politicians have low thinking capacity
Zamfara people, when they see their governor
Other saner governors be like:
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Health has said there’s no such thing and CMS is not spiritual
Meningitis is a medical emergency not spiritual. Report any sign to the nearest health facility. FMoH Advisory 👇https://t.co/l27FKoP8kT
— Federal Ministry of Health, NIGERIA (@Fmohnigeria) April 4, 2017
