First of all, let’s start by seeing that the Nigerian government banning Twitter during Pride month is possibly peak homophobia. Twitter has been a digital safe space for queer Nigerians and has provided them with a community, which is commendable considering how much the Same-Sex Marriage Prohibition Act fractured the queer community and social life.
Today, as we wait for further news on the Twitter ban in Nigeria, we’re celebrating Pride Month by speaking to five Nigerians about how Twitter has helped changed their lives.
Ore, 20. I realized I was non-binary through Twitter. I thought I was just a very fem gay boy for a long time. It was when I joined Twitter and met people that I learned what it means to be cis or trans. Twitter walked me through my transition, the name change, moving to a new apartment, and everything else. I probably never would’ve known what it is like to be comfortable in my skin.
Peter, 26. I met my partner on Twitter and best friends on Twitter. I didn’t have a community in any way for a long time until I discovered the queer side of Twitter. It’s funny but straight people don’t realize how essential having a community is to a person’s quality of life. Twitter gave me a community.
Eunice, 25. I got sexually assaulted almost two years ago by someone who wanted to ‘cure me of lesbianism’. I didn’t know what to do because if I told my family, they would just blame me. So I tweeted about it and a girl who works for an NGO DMed me. She gave me directions on how to get medical help and sent me money. When I explained that it was a case of corrective rape, she helped me make security plans and eventually to transfer to a different university.
George, 22. In 2019, I got fired from my job because my boss discovered I was gay by seeing my Twitter account. When I shared that on Twitter, people surrounded me and showered me with love. Someone also gave me connections with a company to join as their intern which I did, now I’m a full staff. That was only possible because of Twitter.
Benny, 23. I came out to my parents late last year and I thought they would be supportive. However, they weren’t and became bullies. They bullied me and even called a pastor to come and pray for me. I asked someone to create and share a GoFundMe page for me on Twitter. They did, and that was how I got enough money to leave my parents home and enough to survive on till I found my feet.
Names have been changed for the sake of privacy.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year gay man who has a reputation for being a player. He talks about how his reputation for sleeping around is affecting his sex life and making him rethink everything he has done.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was 16, and it was with a boy from church. We were at a teen camp and kept exchanging glances. One day, when a session was going on at the church, I returned to the hostel because I was tired. I saw him outside his hostel, and we got talking. After a while, I went to sit at his bedside, then he touched me and then it just happened.
The things that went down at those camps.
See. I later learned that things like that happen a lot. We kept in touch for a while before we drifted apart — we didn’t have much in common, so it was bound to happen. This experience woke up something in me.
How so?
I knew I was gay before that happened but I had never really considered a relationship or sex with a man because I come from a very religious family so I hadn’t thought of that possibility. Before the guy and I lost contact, he told me how queer people in Nigeria like us use the internet to identify ourselves. This was back when Facebook was everything- so it was basically Facebook groups and eventually WhatsApp group chats – that’s how I found queer people and started making friends. And eventually, lovers.
Lovers?
Yeah, I flirted with several people after a while and eventually hooked up with some people. Those were some of my hookups with people and learning about sex and gay sex in particular.
Around this period, I slept with a woman for the first and last time.
OH? How did that happen?
So there was a girl at school who was being very flirtatious with me. One day, she texted me to come over because no one was at home. I knew I was gay, but a part of me was curious about whether or not I was bisexual. However, I went because I could. So I did.
How was it?
Oh my God, it was horrible. I was having the sex and thinking to myself, ‘I am hundred per cent gay, wow.’
Lmao. What did that experience change in you?
Not much. It just made me realise I was gay all the way.
Most of these happened in your teens, right? What was your sex life in your twenties?
Wild. In my twenties, I lived alone and started living. There was a period I had sex almost every day. And on the weekends, I was going from one party to an orgy to a sex party. It was wild to think of. I don’t know if I was trying to compensate for something, but I did a madness that period.
What switched between your teens and twenties?
In my teens, I was just trying to connect with my community and find people like me. In my twenties, I was trying to find love, to be honest. Unfortunately, I wanted that love with everyone. I saw sex as a way to connect with people. That’s what sex is to me.
Did you find the love?
A few times. They ended for different reasons. But the most recent potential one ended in a way that made me regret my history.
How so?
I met someone on Twitter, and we started talking. We went out on a few dates, we even had sex and were getting serious. Then one day, he told me we needed to end the relationship because it wasn’t going to work out. Guess why?
I have no guesses. Tell me.
Once people found out he was with me, they told him to ‘run o’.
Why?
Because apparently, I am an ashawo, a ‘manizer’. It hurt me, but it wasn’t an isolated accident.
It’s happened before?
Yup. And after. Sometimes, people even told my platonic friends to be careful because of my reputation. It bugs me so much, but I understand it.
Why do you think people talk about you like that?
Because it’s the truth, to be honest. That’s kind of the worst part. I had a very sexually active early twenties, and it can be misconstrued as me just being a player. Most people don’t want to be what they probably consider ‘notches on your bed frame’ or an addition to your body count, and they don’t want that to happen to their friends, so they try to warn them. I know I would probably do the same. However, that doesn’t make it less frustrating.
Does it make you regret having the kind of sex life you had in your early twenties?
Yes and no. Life would be boring if you lived it without exploring. I explored people and did exciting things that taught me a lot. That said, I wish I hadn’t slept with everyone I could. If I had maybe held back here and there, my reputation would probably be better.
How has that affected your sex life?
People who know of me tend not to want to sleep with me. The ones who do, don’t want anything to do with me outside of sex which can be very frustrating. I’m trying to reduce how much casual sex I have so that I can hopefully fix my reputation before it’s too late.
Do you know what your body count is?
Nope. It has too many zeroes at this point. If I knew it, I would probably feel the need to get myself mentally checked.
Why do you think you had that much sex?
Because I could. I slept with everyone who would say yes. I like having sex, people wanted to have sex. So in my head, I’m like why not?
What’s your sex life like now?
I’ll always have an active sex life but now I’m applying more discretion to who I sleep with. I have a friend-with-benefits and that’s it. It’s easier to control the narrative when only one person sees your nakedness.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
9. I’m having great sex regularly. What’s there to not to love? I just wish my sex history wasn’t negatively affecting my reputation and love life.
We don’t hear enough stories about men being heartbroken or dumped even though we all know it happens. Today, we spoke to four Nigerian men on the worst ways they’ve been dumped.
Tokunbo, 24.
I had this lady, we had been dating for about a year or so. I was still in uni then and one day she called me one day and told me she was pregnant and needed money. I didn’t remember having sex with her but we had done a lot of dry humping and you know foreplay but without sex. I was so scared that I didn’t even try to think, she was asking me for money for different drugs and food and I was sending it to her. I had given her over 50k. We were on a call one day and I heard someone in the background tell her to break up with me and that was it. She said “you probably heard that, that was why I called, I was never pregnant, I just needed money”. It still pains me till date.
Derek, 27.
So I dated this girl for over a year and things were really good. In my head, I was thinking ‘this is it, this is the one.’ One day, she just called me and said she has something to tell me, I asked what. She then said ‘I think we should end this, me I was confused and asked ‘end what?’. She then said this is why she doesn’t like me and then ended the call and that was it. I still don’t know why or what happened.
Chukwuma, 32.
A few years ago, I was dating this girl who was gearing to move to Canada to do her masters. I helped her plan and prepare, the plan was that with her there it would be easier for me to plan my move to Canada too. Anyways, after she travelled she called me once she could, then once again. After that, nothing. I called and called for days, texted, DMed, hell, I probably would have sent a raven if I could. Then one day, she started posting on social media. I still tried calling, no response. Next thing, I was blocked on all social media. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since that day. That breakup makes me go WTF till today.
Ayo, 26.
I discovered my girlfriend was breaking up with me because I saw her packing her boxes out of my house. You know how when you are with someone, eventually, they leave their toothbrush, their nightwear etc at yours? Yeah, she had all that at mine. One day, I walked into my apartment and she was packing all her things – she had a key by the way – and I was confused. I asked what happened and she said ‘we are breaking up’ just like that. I started asking if I did anything wrong, she didn’t answer me. She just packed her things and dropped my key and left.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
When most Nigerians hear ‘submissive’ in the context of a relationship, they envision a woman. However, this isn’t always the case. Many men are subs in the bedroom and many have embraced that and are living very happy sex lives. Over the past few weeks, I have spoken to several people I knew who were into BDSM and spoken to several Nigerian men on what it is like being a sub.
These are some of my favourite answers as well as some of the most insightful takes I got on what it is like being a Nigerian man and being a submissive.
Eric, 32.
I realized I was submissive totally by chance. When I started dating my ex, I didn’t have an inkling of the whole sub/dom thing and that a man could be submissive. Anyways, one day my ex kind of took control of the sex we were having, telling me what to do, and stuff. It was weirdly thrilling having someone else control what you were doing. It started from there and now I only like being involved with dominant women. For me, being submissive goes beyond the bedroom and BDSM and stuff. It’s in the woman telling me what to do, to stand up, to sit down, controlling when I am allowed to climax etc. Being dominated for me is great, it’s freeing to have someone else take control.
Patrick, 36.
I realized I liked being dominated pretty early but I didn’t go seeking it because of shame. Tell a Nigerian woman you enjoy being submissive and watch her face squeeze in disgust. Luckily, I went to Canada for my Masters and there I got to explore the BDSM as well as the sub/dominant scene. I was able to hone in on what it was I liked. In Nigeria, it’s hard because even the women who are dominant in Nigeria either don’t know they are dominant/don’t even know how to do it. Anyways, I found a small but thriving sub/dom scene in Abuja and that’s where I met my current mistress. For me being dominated is just the way my brain is wired. Away from the bedroom, I’m pretty dominant but in the bedroom, control me, demean me, everything.
Dapo, 28.
I kind of always knew I was a sub, to be honest. However, I didn’t know how much of a sub I was till a few years ago. I met someone who knew all the right buttons to press, all the right ways to push me. Part of the appeal of being a sub is doing things you know you shouldn’t do simply because you have been instructed to do them. I would stand while he is working and not look at him till he asks me to, I would wear what he wants me to, he dictated how sex works, when I’m allowed to climax etc. It’s so hot to me.
Bolu, 35.
I’m a switch, in that I can dominate and be dominated depending on who I am with. For me, it’s chemistry. I can be with a guy today and want to dominate and be with a girl tomorrow and want to be dominated. I go with the flow on everything and allow how I and the person’s chemistry flows to allow it to determine where we’ll end up. But I particularly like being submissive because I think it requires a level of trust and when you have that, trust and believe that the sex is going to be the bomb.com.org.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity and privacy.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who finds sex triggering and struggles to maintain romantic and sexual relationships due to past horrible and violent sexual experiences. She talks about how these experiences shaped her sex life and how she is trying to dig herself out of the mental hole she feels she is in.
Trigger warning: Parts of this story contain information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.
What was your first sexual experience?
When I was 12, my dad’s step brother came to stay with us because my dad wanted him to gain admission to the university in our city. So he was taking JAMB classes. One day, he called me and fingered me. It didn’t progress beyond that for a while, then one day, he forced himself on me. I remember crying, but this happened on an afternoon when no one was around. He threatened he would beat me if I told anyone, so I didn’t. By the time anyone came back that day, I was shivering, had developed a fever and couldn’t talk.
I am so sorry.
Thank you. I don’t know if it was the way I reacted that scared him, but he never touched me again. He left our house a few months later because of an inter-family quarrel. Sadly, that wasn’t my only non-consensual sexual experience.
Wow.
Years later, I went to a party at university. It was hosted by a friend who was celebrating her birthday. There wasn’t a crowd at the party, but you could still get lost. A guy I met came up to me and was trying to dance with me. I declined because I don’t dance, so we talked casually for a bit. I left to find my friend who I came with but didn’t see her. Then I went to one of the rooms. There was only one other girl who was changing there so I tried to sit down. I dozed off for a few minutes, and when I opened my eyes, the girl wasn’t there again. The guy I had been talking to earlier had entered and — I would later learn — locked the door behind him. He begun touching me and trying to initiate sex, and even though I kept saying no, he didn’t stop. All I could think about was crying after my uncle forced himself on me. So I did the only thing that made sense to me, I just let him have his way before he forced me.
That’s awful.
Yup. It didn’t last long. Once he was done, I got up and that’s when I realised he had locked the door. I opened it and just started walking even though it was really early in the morning.
What did you do next?
I got home, cried a lot, showered a lot and stared at my ceiling all night. The next day I carried on as though nothing happened. Do you know the funniest part?
Tell me.
I would see the guy around school, and he would act normal. He would wave at me and act like we are random acquaintances. A few months back, I saw his Twitter account. He is living a very normal life and is very much Mr “Oh So Regular Goodie Two Shoes”. But he fucked me up. It would be funny if it wasn’t hilarious.
Have you ever had consensual sexual intercourse?
Yeah, I have. But if you ask if I have ever enjoyed it, the answer would be no.
Why is that?
Every time I have sex, I just want it to end. I find myself remembering the first two times I was forced into having sex and I feel disgusted and want it to stop. Even when I consent, I feel like I’m being raped. My mind just fights it.
How has that affected your sex life?
Man, where do I start from? I used to think I was asexual, but I’m not. I’m attracted to men and want to date and sleep with men. However, when I try to get in bed with one, all I think about are those experiences. So it paralyses me. I don’t think I have ever really enjoyed sex; I have never had an orgasm. Even when they ask for consent and do everything right, I’m just unable to enjoy it. A year ago, I stopped trying.
Stopped trying…?
To have sex. I used to do it just to keep my partners pleased, but I can’t keep doing that to myself. I might be damaging my mind even more.
Have you ever tried to seek professional help to deal with this?
Yup. When the university one happened, I started seeing this woman that was working with an NGO. Unknown to me, she was a very religious and conservative woman. When I told her what happened, she told me it was my fault and that I brought it upon myself for going to late-night parties and mixing with boys. I was stumped. Hearing those words, as a rape victim, when the wounds were still fresh and when I was still blaming myself inside, was fucked up.
That’s so unprofessional. I’m sorry you went through that.
Thanks. Anyways, I found a therapist who had a good head on her last year. She’s part of why I stopped forcing myself to have sex — I thought I owed it to my partners.
How has therapy been going?
Really really good. It’s a slow process, but I’ve felt some shifts and I’m hoping to successfully work through it all eventually.
You definitely will. How would you rate your sex life?
0. My sex life is nonexistent and I think sex and men, in general, have taken so much from me, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a 10. But I hope so.
The COVID-19 pandemic is one of the most defining events in recent times. It changed so much about our lives and how we navigate them. At the ‘peak’ of the pandemic, statewide lockdowns were common forcing many to stay at home and in the long run, forced people to fall back on their coping mechanisms which in many cases were things considered ‘vices’ – think eating a lot of food, drinking a lot of alcohol, having a lot of sex etc. Today, we asked five young Nigerians how the pandemic affected their relationships with their vices.
Kayode, 26.
During the pandemic, I became an alcoholic. People kept sharing recipes for homemade cocktails, fun drinks and more and I just kept making them. It didn’t hit me till much later that I had been drunk almost every day for months. The path to recovery, to going back to the social drinker I was pre-pandemic, wasn’t nearly as easy as I hoped it would be. I found myself unable to function without being drunk.
Daniella, 24.
Okay so, you know how supermarkets started becoming empty during the pandemic? It was because of people like me. I bought everything I needed, four times over. Naturally, the way to go was to cook them. I gained like ten pounds because of that. Eating became my way to cope with how crazy the world was. And the worst part? Because there was a spirit of insecurity for a while, it didn’t stop after the lockdown was lifted. It carried on for most of last year, I had to make a whole lifestyle change this year.
Harry, 29.
My coping mechanism is smoking weed. Pre-COVID I would only smoke on Saturday nights when I’m with my friends or on public holidays, but because of COVID and working from home, I started doing it every other day. Smoking weed, eating a few weed brownies during virtual meetings and all of that. The day I realized that I needed to stop was when I felt I was high for almost a week. As in I smoked once, and for like a week, I was feeling the effects. I felt like it was a warning that if I continued, I would damage myself permanently.
Stanley, 23.
I’d say the pandemic improved my relationship with my vices – weed and sex. I had previously dabbled with weed before but with the whole lockdown situation, I had nothing but time to explore. I couldn’t smoke since I was home with my family but, I would infuse weed in my food. So, I began making brownies. Then, I started to sell too. Legit spent the entire lockdown stoned. I also discovered that sex while high is on a whole different level. The whole pandemic experience made me explore and discover a whole lot of sensual pleasures. I even discovered ways of altering the potency of weed to get the desired mood. It was wild
Pearl, 28.
The pandemic ruined my appetite and love for sleep. I started working remotely so I wanted to always be available. My brain interpreted it as ‘bye bye afternoon sleep’. I drank and smoked a lot more. Then my body started reacting to alcohol so I had to cut back on it. I masturbated way more and a lot of self-realization came with that. At some point, I stopped having orgasms during masturbation. I think my body became tolerant so it needed more to get to climax. And I’m not patient enough to give the prolonged vibrations she wanted.
As kids, we did a lot of things that we look back on and shake our heads. Do you know the most hilarious one? Realizing that half the songs we were singing with passion as kids are unbelievably sexual, filthy or littered with sexual metaphors.
Today, we are going to take a look at some of those songs.
Do Me by P.Square
Maybe I am a little bit slow but it didn’t click in my head that the P-Square brothers were telling random women at the club to do them (as in, sleep with them). Do you know how shocked and gagged I was when I realized what I had sung along to all those years? God safe us.
Ur Waist by Iyanya
Unlike Do Me where a lot of us actually had no inkling, Ur Waist was much more overtly sexual and obvious. However, due to how popular and mainstream the song was, we still had many kids bumping and grinding to this despite how unbelievably inappropriate it was. Hell, I think I remember them playing this at children’s birthday parties.
Kerewa by Zule Zoo
I think I can say that a lot of us didn’t really know what Kerewa was about the first time we heard it. I know I definitely had no idea, and when I found out I was like, ‘surely, you lie!’ Turns out they weren’t lying, and we were spitting trash as kids. I think that explains a lot about our lives now.
Bizzy Body by P.Square
P.Square had a knack for making overtly sexual songs come across as very tame. This is hella impressive because the song had the lines ‘If I catch you, I go turn you on, when I grab you, to the break of dawn, you go loose control.’ I think at this point we can all agree that almost every song we listened to as kids were very sexual.
Kondo by Dagrin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UGGUpZelp8
This is a bop, I have to say that first of all. Secondly, this is possibly the most detailed sexual bop on this list, my God. There’s a line that goes ‘Na today, me and you go do it all’ and you know what? I stan.
Masculinity is being decoded around the world and redefined with the hopes and goals of it hopefully getting rid of the ‘toxic’ prefix we often see being placed next to masculinity. Today, we decided to hear from the horse’s mouth what it would change in masculinity and the behaviours of men. So we asked five Nigerian men what parts of being a man they would change in themselves or other men.
Eric, 23.
I wish more men were willing to free themselves from the chains they put on themselves. ‘A real man doesn’t use Snapchat filters’ ‘a real man doesn’t take pictures for his birthday’ ‘a real man doesn’t cry’ ‘a real man doesn’t watch xxx show’ etc. What sort of existence is that?
Gerald, 32.
I wish men bonded over better things. A good number of all-male friendship groups bond over which girl they want to sleep with, slut-shaming women and sexual violence. And even those that don’t, I find that there’s a level of lack of emotional depth in plenty of male friendships. If you cry, wahala. If you get too deep, wahala. I want men to be more willing to connect deeply with each other without being weirded out.
Austin, 24.
I think for me it would be that fashion brands catering towards men would put in more efforts. The men section of boutiques are nothing to write home about, they are sad. I also wish men demanded a lot better and more from these fashion brands so there’ll actually be options. Women have a thousand options, we have shirts and trousers and in limited colours too.
Derek, 34.
Society need to stop defining men by their ability to provide or earn money. It’s unrealistic and unfair and frankly silly. These are human beings and not ATMs. If your family or girlfriends don’t rate you because you don’t have money, they don’t rate you. It’s your money they rate. You deserve better, king.
Ahmed, 27.
Men need to stop begging women to date them. It’s mad silly. If a babe says ‘no’ the first time, you should have enough self-respect to walk away and end it. You’ll see men chasing one babe for months on end, spending money and disturbing the girl and for what? Literally for what?
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old woman who discovers she isn’t attracted to only men relatively late. She talks about finding out about her sexuality, how her husband helped her explore her pansexuality and rejecting harmful teachings about sex.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was in my late teens, 17 or so. I had a crush on a prefect in my school, and we would touch each other in corners. One day, he invited me to his friend’s house, and we had sex. It was my first time. Looking back at it, it wasn’t groundbreaking, but then it felt like it was. I thought he was my prince charming, the person I would end up with.
What happened?
We had a very childish breakup. I can’t remember the details, but I was so heartbroken then. That was it for secondary school.
Uni?
I stayed home for two years after secondary school before I went off to uni. My mum wanted me to learn a trade for a year, and I didn’t get enough points in my JAMB examination to gain admission. I got in the following year, three years after I left secondary school.
Within that period, did your sex life change?
A lot. At first, I felt more adult. I had friends and some freedom. I didn’t do much, but I did date a few people, and I think I slept with two boys. I was learning about myself, which was great, but my mother started noticing, and it made her so worried, she started coming down on me hard.
How so?
My mother was convinced I was becoming a prostitute. She would beat me or yell at me at every chance she got. When she wasn’t doing that, she was giving me bad advice about boys and sex. She would talk about teen pregnancy and how that would lead to my being a waste of space and a nuisance to society and how it could kill me. All of that fucked me up.
I went from a flirty young girl to a reserved and scared babe who didn’t want to mess up and bring disappointment to her family. When I went to uni, I did not make friends fast because I didn’t want to mix with the wrong crowd. I didn’t mix with boys. This was a stark difference from who I was in secondary school.
What was your sex life like then?
Nonexistent. In my first two years in uni, I didn’t date or sleep with anyone. In my third year, I finally had a boyfriend that broke my heart and all I was thinking was, “hey my mama talk am.”
LMAO. What happened?
He cheated on me with my roommate. It was messy, but we move.
What’s your sex life like now?
Much better. I’ve let go of all of those harmful, patriarchal beliefs that my mother taught me and now I’m having a lot of sex and a lot of it is with women, so it’s good.
Women?
Lmao. So a few years ago, I realised I like women and men and even people who don’t identify as either.
Oh, so pansexual?
I identify as pansexual.
Got it. When did you realise you didn’t just like men?
Two years before I got married.
I had started pushing against these horrible ideas that my mum had taught me about sex — how my virginity was the greatest gift I could give my husband — and started enjoying life and sex. Around this period was actually when I met my husband — who is the best person I have ever met and a true God-sent. But just before I met him, I met a friend of a friend, and she was so damn gorgeous. I was struck and that was when it hit me that I really am attracted to women. Before this, I would look at women and find them attractive but never really understood that I was attracted to them. I think I didn’t want to confront it back then.
Long story short, me and this gorgeous friend of a friend kissed for a bit and that was what sealed the deal. Not long after, I met my husband, and it was a monogamous relationship for the longest time.
How did you meet your husband?
Twitter. It was a very random interaction that turned into DMs and then a friendship and eventually, a marriage.
How’s your sex life as a married woman?
The best. My husband is willing to learn and explore things with me and in me. I fell in love with sex because of him. 10/10 easily.
Wow. So what do you mean by “monogamous for the longest time”?
We opened our marriage about two years ago. I told my husband that I liked women and wanted to try it. He wasn’t overly enthusiastic at the beginning, but he was supportive. We talked about it for months and agreed on how it would function.
Can you tell me about how it functions?
I can sleep with women, but it must be women we don’t know and it must be far removed from us. He doesn’t step out of our relationship, but once in a while, we bring someone to bed with us.
How has that been for you guys?
Great actually. We’re in sync now more than ever and our sex life is just banging. Pun unintended.
What has sex with women been like for you, especially compared to sex with men?
I think it boils down to individual partners. Some men are clueless; they just hammer on and think if the woman is screaming, it means they’re enjoying it. On the flip side, some women too are clueless. However, in my experience, I think women are more willing to listen and adapt and give you what you want. Men tend to take feedback as an attack on their masculinity. So overall? With the exception of my husband, all the best sex I’ve had has been with women.
Fascinating. You’ve had a hell of a sexual trajectory. What do you think is the highlight of all this?
The game-changer wasn’t discovering I was attracted to more than just men. It was meeting my husband. He was so willing to learn and unlearn with me, to push against norms and we were able to change our relationship and marriage so it fit us even better.
Nice, nice. How would you rate your sex life?
A solid 10. I get to be with the man I love while exploring my inner freak. I can’t believe how lucky I am.
I’ve always been utterly fascinated by people who cheat on their partners and have always wondered what happened or why they decided to. Luckily, my job allows me to explore this curiosity and ask questions and get to the root of things like this. So I did just that. I spoke to several people I knew personally as well as people I met over the internet who have cheated on their partners and here are some of the most interesting answers I got from six Nigerian men who cheated on their partners on why they did so.
Abel, 31.
I honestly feel people are mostly lying when they give plenty of excuses as to why they cheat. For me, it was a decision – a bad decision but still a decision. I was at a party and this girl and we clicked. I knew this was a bad idea but I took her over to mine. I know I was aware enough and made that decision, there was no reason other than I was horny and saw an opportunity to have sex with someone attractive.
Charles, 24.
I’ve been in a relationship for over a year and I haven’t been faithful for about half of it. I know it’s a dick thing to say and do but after a while, people lose that special allure and you just want something different. I may cheat but I love her and treat her right. I just don’t think I can stay away from all the other many options of babes out there and I don’t want to open the relationship because I can’t imagine her being with someone else.
Eric, 26.
So what happened was someone was flirting with me heavily on Instagram and I wanted to say ‘no’ but he was fine and it felt good being flirted with like that. He eventually came over and we had sex. I can lie and say I forgot or any other excuse but I didn’t, to be honest. Anyways, it’s been months and he isn’t any wiser.
Harry, 29.
For me, it was actually simple. I wanted it to be an open relationship but when she refused, I simply went on to have an open relationship without her. I don’t have feelings for any of the girls I sleep with and I make sure they are people that are far removed from both of us to avoid drama. I don’t want to ruin our relationship but a closed relationship just won’t work for me so this is the best.
Derek, 27.
It happened when I was in my penultimate year. I cheated on my girl with this lady – let’s call her Lilian. I had been friends with Lilian longer than I’ve known my girl. And I’ve been trying to have sex with her since the first day I saw her. We would make out, she would talk and I’ll listen. We became close but didn’t have sex. All this while I was single and she was in between relationships. But on this faithful day, I went to see Lilian. Long story short she said ‘I need you now.’ We had sex but there was a problem, I didn’t nut. She came over to my house the next day and we had sex again and this time I was determined to nut but still nothing. The trippy thing though is I went back to school on Monday. Everything was sweet and smooth with my girl. When we tried to have sex, she went ‘did you cheat on me?’ I lied and said no because she had an exam that day. And the next day. Immediately after the exams, I told her and she was like ‘I knew.’ She goes why? and ‘can I see her pictures?’ I showed her and she goes ‘oh, you want bigger boobs or what’ or ‘is she freakier than me?’ I tell her ‘yes but that was not the reason I cheated’. Then she tells me she needs a reason and till today, I don’t have one.
Sam, 30.
We’d been together for about half a year, we’d met through a friend. It was great, he was smart and well-read. But then I realized he had a huge chip on his shoulder about our different economic circumstances. Also started to get the feeling he saw me as some sort of trophy. This was when he wasn’t making me feel undesirable. So yeah, I slept with his friend whilst we were together. We even all hung out together.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
