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  • I’m starting to love weekends more now because of all the events I get to attend. Last Saturday, I went to Flying Fish’s pool party, and I had way too much fun. I don’t usually attend pool parties because I cannot give my haters the chance to shine by throwing me inside the pool. But I had no choice in attending this one because Zikoko said so. For once, I’m thankful for capitalism because that party was lit!

    The party was at Sol Beach by Box Mall. I got there at past 12, and first fell in love with how colourful the place looked.  Of course, there were many instagrammbale spots; you can’t throw a party with influencers without giving them aesthetically pleasing backdrops. There was a photo booth, where people got to take really cool pictures. There was also a  runway. I got on it, strutted up and down like a supermodel and honestly, Naomi Campbell has nothing on me. I loved seeing people have fun, making videos and taking pictures on the runway in their stylish beach outfits. I need more of this at parties, please.

    Most of the activities happened around the pool. I didn’t get in the pool but other people did, and they had a lot of fun. There were water gun fights, water volleyball, swimming, and some people were just peacefully floating in the pool. Those outside the pool got to play games like beer pong, and musical chairs with a twist whoever; didn’t get a chair had to jump in the pool. 

    Belly dancers came out to dance and remind us that hips don’t lie. There was also pool karaoke, which was super entertaining because people took their performances very seriously. People were asked to form music groups with backup singers and dancers. And boy, every single person took it seriously. If you heard that Beyoncé fell down while performing during her Renaissance tour, it’s because a group of people in VI, Lagos, Nigeria, snatched her throne for a few minutes. Or maybe they just wanted to win the cash prize,  we’ll never know.

    By the way, did I mention that there was free food and unlimited Flying Fish beers going around? I promise I drank responsibly. But I ate until I couldn’t anymore because I had only white rice and stew in my fridge.  Don’t judge me, please.

    I had so much fun. I danced until I was struggling to breathe. I literally had to take a break to use my inhaler. I love it when people choose DJs that know how to keep the crowd hyped up until the end. DJ Dayzee and DJ Neptune killed it! 

    The Flying Fish Influencer Party was an unforgettable experience. The venue was perfect, the activities were fun, and the energy was exhilarating. I’m so glad I got to attend. 

  • I was at the Spotify African Heat Party on Saturday and first of all, I’d just like to say thank you to my boss, for choosing me to go because I had the best time! I can’t remember the last time I danced that much. I had to sleep for a whole day to recover. Let me tell you some of my favourite things from the party: 

    Handi and Wanni 

    Not only were the main DJs for the night two gorgeous women who also happen to be twin sisters, I love how easily they got the crowd lit. They would play music then leave their DJ table to come and drop moves on the stage. I loved them so much. They got everyone really hyped up for the party. 

    Performances 

    I lost my voice from screaming out loud to every song the performers performed. Odumodu Black came on stage and I sang Declan Rice like my life depended on it. Teni came on stage with her best friend— a mascot (a bird wearing a jersey with Teni’s name on it) and her entire performance reminded me of how much of a badass she is at this music thing. My favourite part was when she came down from the stage and started singing in the middle of the crowd. Joeboy was the final performer and I didn’t want him to leave the stage. I just wanted him to keep serenading me like I’m the love of his life.

    The DJs 

    Sarz came and scattered the dancefloor with his Amapiano afrobeat mix. Every time he transitioned into a new song, people screamed in excitement because it was always a hit. Sarz is really not anybody’s mate. Then DJ Tohbad came and told us that we weren’t done dancing and kept dropping jams upon jams. My feet have still not recovered.  

    Everyone dancing 

    I love how everyone was so comfortable and relaxed. We all danced and genuinely had a great time. The Spotify crew went around hyping people while they were dancing. It was like having your own personal hypeman for a bit. 

    The food truck

    This food truck saved my life. After I used up all my energy dancing, I became crazy hungry. I was so happy that there was a food truck still serving food at midnight. I don’t know if it was the hunger or the adrenaline from all the dancing, but the shawarma I had slapped like a Nigerian mother. More parties need to adopt the concept of selling affordable food till whenever the party ends. Sometimes, Jay’s Diner is too far away.

    How close to the stage I was 

    One of the highlights of the entire event was how close I was to the stage. I’m talking “I-could-almost-touch-the-performers’-shoes” close. Also, everyone had the same tickets and had equal access to the entire venue, which is rare at Lagos parties. It made the party even more fun, we were all just feeling the music and vibing together.  

    The photobooth 

    There was a really cool danfo photo booth that people loved. Spotify was very intentional about the ambience and decor of the venue. Even the food truck matched the theme.  

    The event left no doubt that African Heat is the ultimate go-to for all things African music and culture. It proudly showcased Spotify’s strong commitment to promoting the rise of African artists and making sure they have their shining moment in the spotlight.

  •  Remember that human beings are wicked 

    Remind yourself that the heart of every single gender that exists is wicked. Go to one of those relationship advice pages and read the shege people who’ve caught feelings are seeing. Your eye will clear. 

    Think about the breakfast that awaits you 

    If you want to truly stop catching feelings, remember what popular philosopher, Burna Boy, said, “Last last, na everybody go chop breakfast.” The fear of heartbreak will make all feelings disappear. 

    Travel 

    The plan is to catch flights, not feelings. What are you doing? My friend, bring out your passport and start travelling the world. By the time you’re sipping a Mai Tai in Cape Point, you’ll forget about the person you’re supposed to be falling for. 

    Read their messages 

    Yes, this is an invasion of privacy, but there’s a high chance you’ll see something that’ll give you immediate chest pain that’ll make the feelings disappear. And isn’t that the goal here? Either you find out they’re saying rubbish about you in the group chat, or they’re interested in someone else, it’s better to know before the feelings get too deep.

    Tell your friends 

    Make sure you let them know all the red flags and why you shouldn’t be liking them. Friends are best at convincing us to cancel and block any person causing us stress and pain. 

    Remind yourself that a bad bitch doesn’t catch feelings

    Stand in front of a mirror, beat your chest three times, and say, “I’m a bad bitch, and I don’t do feelings. So I’ll stop having feelings for *insert name*”. Repeat this every day for three days, and you’ll be fine. 

    Write an epistle 

    Send the person an epistle telling them how you feel about them. Their one word/sentence reply will annoy the feelings out of you. 

    Use jazz 

    For some reason, people use jazz to make other people fall in love with them. Well, your case is different. You can’t be catching feelings in these streets, abeg. Time to find your nearest babalawo. 

    Just accept it 

    Why are you trying to stop what’s meant to be? Embrace the feelings happily. If you see shege, it’s okay. It’s part of life. 

    ALSO READ: Signs You’re Dating Someone Who’s Been Single for Too Long

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  • I saw this tweet and immediately sighed a heavy negro sigh. Our dear new Twitter owner wants to squeeze every single penny from us on top of this app. 

    It’s partially our fault sha. After shouting, “How can this app be free?” for years, Elon has said, “Aii bet.”

    Now, we’re pretty sure he’ll soon say only Twitter Blue subscribers can do these things: 

    Unlimited tweets 

    He’ll announce that basic bitches like us would only have access to 20 tweets per month. If you want unlimited tweets, pay for Twitter Blue. For those of us who’d finish the 20 tweets in two hours but refuse to pay, we’d finally have time to discover the cure for AIDS or come up with new creations, like a noiseless blender. 

    Unlimited mentions 

    Elon would find a way to limit the number of people you can mention in a tweet, just because he wants you to subscribe to Twitter Blue. When you see, “Tag someone who…,” you’d think twice before responding. Your new thing would be putting the person’s name instead of their @ and sending the tweet to their DMs so they can see it and reply. 

    Twitter Spaces

    Can’t lie, I won’t mind this one because people are too quick to start spaces these days.  Any small talk on the TL, and there’s a space. Let this be the problem of Blue Tick Twitter, abeg. 

    Quote tweets 

    Forget ratioing people who annoy you, because Elon would limit your ability to quote people’s tweets too. Before you know it, you’d see: “You can’t quote this tweet because you have reached your target number of quotes for the month. To quote as many tweets as you like, subscribe for Twitter Blue.”

    Posting pictures 

    People would only be able to post one picture at a time or a certain number of pictures per month, unless they pay. Forget about monthly dumps and random screenshots of everything happening in your life.  

    Have followers 

    Yeah, that’s right. It may get to a point where people wouldn’t be able to follow you because you’ve reached the highest number of followers a free account can have. You’d wake up one day and see you’ve lost more than half your followers because our Tesla oga said we have to pay to have extra people following us. 

    Tweet about certain topics 

    I solidly stand behind this one. So that those who want to recycle the same topics every five days — who pays for dates or should women cook for men — would finally be stopped. Let them go and be a problem among the rich in Blue Tick Twitter. 

    Everything 

    The entire app would become subscription-based like Netflix or Apple Music. The way things are going, Elon will definitely ask us to pay to access the app at all. And that’s the day I’ll go back to Facebook. 

    ALSO READ: You Can’t Survive Nigerian Twitter If You Don’t Know These 25 Slangs 

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  •  In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods a chance to write love letters to who they care about. Love Letters to Food.

    Egg Sauce of life,

    I’m in awe of you. I love how diverse you are. You can be cooked in so many ways with different ingredients. It’s one of the reasons why many people love you. You bring all the excitement to this marriage, and I’m grateful for it. 

    When I was dating stew, not only was I always bored, but I also felt incomplete, like something was missing. I couldn’t figure out what it was until I met you. It felt like an age-old connection was rekindled, and every moment we spend together, I appreciate all that you offer me. 

    You’re my best friend. I love that we can be romantic and lovey-dovey and also goofy and mischievous as hell. I remember when someone made us for lunch, ate a tiny bit and put the rest of us in the fridge. We felt so unwanted and wanted to get revenge so bad, we decided to fall on the floor the next time he took us out of the fridge. The look on his face was too funny. 

    You make life so easy; when people are thinking of what to eat me with, you always make yourself an available option, and I really appreciate that. In the midst of all the chaos in this country, you’ve been there for me. When people boil me too soft, you comfort me and tell me you’ll deal with the person. It’s so cute when you act like you can fight. I remember when you threatened to beat up that Chukwudi boy who cut me up haphazardly and then forgot about me until I got burnt because he went to watch a football match. I found it so sexy and adorable at the same. 

    I love how we work so well together, like we were meant to be. The way your sauce mixes with my soft body is the reason people love us so much. We’re the perfect breakfast combo. If anyone disagrees, they can argue with their frying pan. I hope we continue to make people happy during mealtime. I also hope I bring you even a fraction of the joy you bring me. 

    You have illuminated my life and enriched it far more than I could have dreamed possible. I can’t imagine my world without you. To more breakfasts and brunches. 

    Love, 

    Yam 

  • In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to those they care about. This is Love Letters to Food.

    Dear Beans, 

    Remember when we were at a bukka and a man came in shouting that their food had given him explosive diarrhoea? He was so furious as told them how he spent his entire day in and out of the toilet and even finished all the tissue in the house. 

    We just sat in a corner laughing because you were the cause of his stomach problem. When you were being cooked, you pretended like you were done, so the seller put off the fire and served you like that. It was even funnier because I was on the plate with you and knew the prank you were about to pull. It was such a foolish prank. 

    I miss when we used to cause mischief. You were always ready to do foolish things with me, and that’s why you’re my favourite cousin in the entire world. You’re the one family member I genuinely get along with. Butter and egg are great, but they’re also boring. Their idea of fun is starting polls on who between them people prefer to eat me with. And I hate the polls because I’d rather be eaten with you.  

    People used to eat us together a lot. . They used to crave us so much that, before Thursday, we would’ve been served to at least 16 people in one bukka alone. We were the perfect team because we taste great for how cheap we are. But now, we rarely see each other.

    You spend a lot more time with yam, plantain and rice. And I guess it’s because people don’t just want to eat you and me all the time. I’ve even seen you hang out with sliced bread and spaghetti a few times. And while I’m happy you get to spend more time with other foods (I’m not sure about you and spaghetti sha), I sometimes long for the days when it was you and I, with the others as “once in a while” options. 

    You’re not just my cousin, you’re my best friend. And despite all the foods I’ve met in this life, there’s no one like you. You’re so cool people even eat you alone and enjoy you. You make them gassy and that makes you such a fun food because there’s never a dull moment with you. Remember when we used to laugh at short people who ate a lot of you because they thought it would make them taller? Or when people used to dip me in Coke because that’s how much sapa had dealt with them. Good times. 

    Thank you for bringing excitement into my life. Thank you for showing me there’s more to life than sitting around and waiting to be eaten. As I’ve said about 100 times in this love letter, I miss you cuz. Life is boring without you. I really hope we get to spend a lot more time together this year. With the way the economy is going, more people will look for us soon, so be ready. We need to be there for them in their time of need. 

    I can’t wait to see you again.

    Love, 

    Agege bread 

  • Nigerians in the diaspora can be annoying sometimes. It’s like they all got the same memo: Japa and begin to find ways to annoy all the Nigerians you left behind. I need japa connoisseurs to please stop doing these 10 things.  

    Recording videos in the snow 

    One thing japa warriors have in common is recording all their videos outside in the snow. Does the snow emphasise that they’re abroad, or does it show the hardship they’re really going through? Either way, they need to stop. 

    Telling us how cold it is 

    At least 100 new Ontarians have told us how cold it is. We’ve heard. But it won’t stop us from coming. 

    Reminding us that it’s not easy 

    Every five seconds, they must remind us that living abroad isn’t easy, like they’re not enjoying the perks of a functional society and economy. Come back to Nigeria then, if abroad is so tough. Nowhere is completely easy, except you’re rich.

    Telling us to stay back 

    I hate when they make statements like, “Don’t come to the UK. The people here aren’t friendly”,  or “Don’t come to Japan. The sun doesn’t shine”. Other nationalities are finding ways to bring in more of their people, but Nigerians are telling theirs not to come. 

    Telling us how lonely it is 

    They don’t even mean they miss their families or struggle to make genuine friends. All they care about is how hard it is to find a sex partner. Then they tell us to find partners we can bring abroad with us. 

    Telling us to japa 

    They japa and immediately forget the struggles they faced when they were leaving the country. Now, every time something bad happens in Nigeria, we get variations of “Better japa fast if you like yourself”, “Japa o. Nigeria is horrible”.  Will you give me the money?

    Acting like they don’t know how bad Nigeria is 

    All of a sudden, they’ve forgotten that NEPA takes light and the background sound they hear over the phone is generator noise. I once complained about working late at a former bank job, to a friend abroad, and he asked me to quit since they aren’t paying overtime. You say, what? 

    Telling us how much stuff in their new country costs in naira

    “Can’t believe I just paid ₦13k to barb my hair.” No, sir. You paid $30. They’re not earning in naira, so I don’t get why they’re always crying about the naira equivalent of things. Are they looking for pity?

    ALSO READ: 7 Telltale Signs Your Coworker Is About to Japa

  • In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to those they care about. This is Love Letters to Food.

    Dear Fried Rice, 

    We get pitted against each other a lot, so people don’t really know how close we are. You’re the best friend I can’t do without. They see us as two competitors always fighting about who’s superior, but it’s so crazy how people don’t see that all our fighting is just banter. Like when you drag me for dating chicken because no one else can stand my wahala. 

    Every time I’m down or feeling a bit of self-doubt because one restaurant or caterer didn’t cook me well, you never fail to remind me I’m a bad bitch, that countries all over the world fight about which version of me is the best, and Nigerian households cook me anytime they get the chance. I don’t think I can be in a bad mood for too long when I’m around you because you always know the right thing to say to make me feel better. Even when you’re not physically there, one phone call to you and I’m all good. I couldn’t ask for a better best friend and partner. 

    You always say all these amazing things about me, but have you met you? You’re sweet, the most exotic type of rice there is, and anybody who disagrees can kiss a burning pot. You’re so full of life — only you has carrots, green peas, spring onions, bell peppers, shrimps and more. That’s why you give people around you life, and that’s why you’re a celebratory meal. You may not be cooked often in Nigerian homes, but that’s because they save you for special occasions. You’re that special.

    I’m so glad we’re served together at most events. It has brought us closer than ever because we get to gist and gossip a lot. I love how we notice the same things; all we have to do is look at each other. I always have to hold myself from bursting out in laughter, and that’s what makes events fun for me. Whenever I’m served without you, it’s always boring because there’s no one to gist or make jokes with. All chicken knows how to do is complain that people don’t eat its bone in public. No one understands me like you do. 

    I can’t imagine what life would be like without you as my best friend. Who’d I complain to when one expensive restaurant adds too much curry to me? Remember the first time you met turkey, and he took you to a bukka for your first date? You thought turkey was one rich protein and that he was going to take you to an exotic fancy restaurant, only for you to end up in a bukka. It was such a hilarious experience. 

    Thank you for being the best friend any food could ask for, for staying by my side in the good times and bad. I love you, and I look forward to more chaotic times with you. 

    Happy Valentine’s Day, bestie.

    ALSO READ: “I Feel Seen Because of You” – Love Letter From Gizzard to Dodo

  • Trenches food is the cheap food people buy off the streets or roadside restaurants. The people of Twitter go on and on about how it’s the best kind of food out there, and to be honest, I don’t disagree. BUT not all of it is great, and that’s why I’ve decided to rank the top ten trenches foods from “hell no” to “top-tier”. 

    Eko and milk

    Image credit: Kiki

    I’ve never had this, but I bet it tastes as unappealing as it looks. People who say they like this are lying. How can you eat something that looks so bland? 

    Spaghetti and Beans 

    Image credit: Bethsomediet

    I understand we’re talking about trenches food, but come on now, spaghetti and beans? Why did anybody think this would be a good combination? There’s no way this tastes good because the textures of both meals just don’t go together. The worst is rice, spaghetti and beans. You must be eating for eating sake if you eat that. 

    Yam and beans 

    Image credit:Veeluvstocook_ 

    What is it with mama put and adding beans anywhere it’s not needed? Is yam and stew not good enough? Eating two heavy meals together can’t be good for anybody. 

    Agege bread and butter

    Just bread and butter? No egg, beans, akara or even stew? It’s giving basic.

    Akara and pap 

    Image credit: Cookpad

    The best akara is the kind you buy from the mama down the road from your office at 7 a.m. before work starts. It’s straight out of the fire and goes perfectly with agege bread or pap hot enough to burn your throat. The bread is two days stale, and the pap is the kind they scoop with a big plastic cup. 

    Fried yam or potato with pepper sauce 

    Image credit: Lyndishes

    Whether you have it early in the morning, afternoon or at night, fried yam or potato with pepper sauce will always bang. Take note though, it must be served inside black nylon or newspaper. If they give it to you in a styrofoam plate, it won’t have the sweet trenches taste. 

    White rice and ofada sauce 

    Image credit: Nigerian food tv

    The rice has to come with ofada sauce that has enough pepper in it to make you cry, plenty of meat, two boiled eggs and five fingers of plantain.  

    White rice, stew and boiled egg

    The egg has to be soaked in the stew, and the stew must have enough oil to reduce your life span by eight years. If not, the food won’t slap. 

    Mai shayi bread and egg 

    I’m not sure whether it’s the excess oil or how they press the bread in the frying pan after putting the egg in the middle, but mai shayi agege bread and egg sandwich tastes like it dropped from heaven.  

    Ewa agoyin and agege bread 

    Nothing beats trenches ewa agoyin. A restaurant opened up and tried to sell it in fancy packaging. That didn’t work out because the trenches is part of ewa agoyin’s sauce. It’s best served in a styrofoam plate with the oil dripping into the black nylon and staining everywhere. 

    ALSO READ: Ranked! Lagos Traffic Food

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  •  In the spirit of valentine,  we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to who they care about. This is Love Letters to Food

    Dear Dodo, 

    I’m thinking about the first time we met as I write this letter. It was the day my life changed.

    Before you, very few people liked me. Anytime they heard gizzard, they acted like someone just gave them semo. I was always picked last from a pot of stew, and if I was mistakenly served on a plate, I had to deal with the fear of being pushed aside and ignored. Do you know what it feels like to always expect rejection? Semo does, and only semo should. I was really going through it, and I felt so alone. Then you came into my life. 

    From the moment we started dating, we were the power couple. Everyone wanted us around; we got invited to so many events and served to all kinds of people. 

    Now, I’m in places I never would’ve dreamt of. I even get treated more special than small chops, and it’s all because of you. You’re a blessing to not just me but to everyone around you. Your friends — beans, egg and jollof rice — can testify to how much of a blessing you are. 

    The more they cook and serve us together, the more I fall in love with you. Every moment we spend together is magical. Whether we’re served at a wedding, a 70th birthday, a  bridal shower or even a burial, whether we’re alone or served with our friends, as long as I’m with you, that’s all that matters.  

    In this month of love, I want to say thank you for creating magic with me and making us Gizdodo. It’s so crazy how, despite our opposite textures, we work so well together. We were meant for each other. The only time we fight is when people leave us out to spoil, and that’s because we’re both fighting for our lives. But that rarely even happens. 

    You’re an incredible partner and soulmate, and I love you more than I can ever express. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you on different plates at more events. I love you from one owambe to the other.