Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • We’d tell you to forget about marriage and focus on yourself in this messy economy, but you people have carried love on your head like gala sellers in traffic.

    Did you see the number of couples that got engaged in December?

    Not everyone will marry someone that can remove you from this country.So we spoke to two wedding planners, and they shared a few tips on planning a wedding in Tinubu’s Nigeria.

    “Elope, run away.” – Ope

    Just like our dear president did, we suggest you also hit the ground running. Take your partner’s hand  and run away from all unnecessary spending into your nearest registry. You’ll need to pick up some important documents and two witnesses on the way, but it’s a lot better than paying through your teeth to entertain your village people, including your mother’s friend who once watched her beat shege out of you.

    “Cut your coat according to your clothes. You don’t have to do all the fancy, big things.” – Lauretta

    With the way the costs of things are flying through the roof every second, you might end up with a doll’s vest. But the love of your life is all you need to have a great time at your wedding, right? Take a long, hard look at your account balance and plan with what you have there.

    “Don’t go for the popular, do something that’s uniquely you.” – Ope

    Instead of going for what everyone else is doing, like buying a dress worth millions or renting out the biggest hall, you can have the wedding in your father’s backyard, wear something from your closet. The most important thing, though, is that your wedding feels very much like you.

    “Use the people you know. Do something small and intimate.” – Ope

    Not only does a small, intimate wedding save money, but it also ensures your special day is free of drama. No one wins if, during the reception, your best man plays videos of you catching ass. Or your ex-girlfriend plants seeds of doubt in your bride’s head. You might think we’re lying, but The Wedding Party’s Dozie knows what we’re talking about.

    “Invite the people you’re actually friends with.” – Lauretta

    If that includes the akara seller at your junction and your misunderstood boss, so be it. Just make sure the people you’re sharing your day with are worth it and won’t do anything that might cause you grief on your special day.

    “If you’re doing your wedding at the end of the year, it’s going to be more expensive.” – Ope

    Once Zenith Bank puts up Christmas decorations and people start singing off-key about Jingle Bells, just know the price of everything has tripled, and your wedding will cost a whole lot more. Pick a good time for your wedding. It could be the beginning or middle of the year when there isn’t a holiday fighting with the economy to see who can take you out first.

    “Make trade-offs and spend the most on what matters to you and your partner.” – Ope

    Image source: chopscentral via X

    It’s your special day, so it only makes sense you spend on things that’ll make you and your partner happy, even if that means splurging on decoration or having a small chop platter with only puff puff and mosa.

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    The subjects of this Love Life are Blessing* and Tunde* who are both 30. They tell us about meeting through work, two failed proposal attempts and how Tunde pulled what he considers the “greatest scam of all time” by making sure they got married on their shared birthday.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Zikoko Love Life

    Did you know you had the same birthday before you met?  

    Blessing: Well, I did. 

    Tunde: Because she was stalking me.

    Blessing: I was doing my job. On December 31st, 2018, my line manager told me to review the CV of a guy who came highly recommended. His birthday was on his CV, and it was the same as mine. So I checked his name on social media to see what he looked like. In his profile picture, he was wearing a waistcoat, looking like a good boy. 

    Tunde: I don’t even own a waistcoat. What are you saying?

    Blessing: I even forgot about it until February 2019 when he started working in the office. I remember the first day I saw him. He was wearing a blue shirt with grey pants, and I said to myself, “Who is this brother?” He looked like such a church boy. I smiled at him, and we had a chat. 

    Tunde: Abi, you fell in love at first sight? 

    Blessing: Lai lai. I did not at all. 

    Tunde: You won’t sweeten this story to make your life great? Anyways, now that you’ve said your own, let me say my own version. 

    Blessing: My version is the truth, and all you need to know. 

    Tunde: When you were talking, I didn’t interrupt you. So let me say my own o. 

    Oya, Tunde, speak your truth

    Tunde: They gave her my CV, and she was blown away so she decided to check me out online. When she saw I was a fine boy, she knew she had to work with me. That’s when she started recommending me to the manager. 

    Blessing: That’s a very big lie. 

    Tunde: But our coworker said you fought for me to join the team.

    Blessing: Your CV was impressive, and I did look for you on social media, but only because of the birthday thing. I didn’t give a shit if they hired you or not. I just needed to get the work done. 

    Tunde: We ended up working in the same team and reported to the same manager. Our manager told me you fought for me. 

    Blessing: You won’t talk about how you saw my big bumbum and became confused?

    Tunde: Who told you that one?
    Blessing: Your friends did. 

    Tunde: I remember seeing her for the first time in the office, dark-skinned with her big bum and tiny waist. I was like wow. When I got back home, I had to tell my friends the women in my new office had yansh. 

    What was working together like? 

    Blessing: We sat together at work, and I like to believe we were friendly towards each other. 

    Tunde: In the office, she’d act as if she cares, but when I travel to the North for work, she’d never text to check in on me. I even had a word with our manager about working in a team of people who don’t care about each other. Blessing never called to ask how my trip went even though she knew I had to travel to all these dangerous places. 

    It’s giving JSS 2. Why did you report her to the manager?

    Blessing: LMAO. He wanted me to talk to him, but instead of meeting me as a man, he went to report me to “Big Uncle” manager. 

    Tunde: It’s not like I reported her. I had a review of culture meeting with the manager in April. Because I typically travelled alone — the company couldn’t afford to send more people — I felt like the team didn’t really have my back. Hers was even more hurtful because we sat together in the office, and she was always tickling me. Then when I travelled, she wouldn’t even bother to find out if I was dead or alive. 

    Blessing: Sorry nau.

    Tunde: Can you imagine. Four years later is when you’re apologising. 

    Blessing: We weren’t that close then. He was a great seatmate, I won’t lie, but I just didn’t care so much. 

    How did you progress to being friends? 

    Blessing: After the manager told me what Tunde said, I started checking up on him. We worked more closely together, and he was fun.

    Tunde: And funny. I’m a funny guy. 

    Blessing: Somewhat funny. He thinks he’s very funny.

    Tunde: Not somewhat. No “I think”.

    Blessing: He’s a gbef, and it’s his gbefness that makes me laugh.

    Tunde: That’s being funny. Do you laugh? Exactly. The thing is that because I’m a funny and fun guy, she couldn’t get enough. She’d call me around 6 a.m. to find out if I was going to the office. 

    Blessing: That was later when I started liking your big head. Nonsense.

    Tunde: Same thing. 

    Blessing: Please, let’s stick to the questions. 

    And you both realised it was more than friendship when? 

    Blessing: After we’d built a solid foundation of friendship in June. We searched for places together while he was getting an apartment. We even used to visit each other on some weekends. It was easy for us to bond beyond the office environment. We also used to come to the office together with one of our colleagues. The three of us would meet at a designated point, so we were in each other’s faces a lot. I started to get these mosquito feeling in my stomach whenever I got a text from him or saw his face.

    Tunde: It’s me that’s mosquito feeling? 

    Blessing: Not you; the feelings. 

    Tunde: What happened to butterflies? Why mosquito? 

    Blessing: It started as mosquitos then moved to butterflies. Now, it’s elephants in my tummy. 

    Tunde: It’s not even cute animals you’re mentioning. 

    The feeling solidified in August 2019 when she started having issues with a lecturer we can’t really talk about. I didn’t want to see her hurt, so it really hit me that I wanted to take care of her. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Our Friendship Means More to Us Than Our Love

    When did you decide to do something about the mosquitoes in your tummy? 

    Blessing: I had a boyfriend at the time. We started dating a couple of days before Tunde joined the company, but along the line, we started having issues. The guy and I broke up in October 2019, then Tunde and I started having relationship-type conversations. 

    Tunde: After she broke up with her boyfriend, she started seeking for me. 

    Blessing: Oh God. 

    Tunde: One Saturday in November, I went to see her, and as I was about to leave, I just started gazing at her. 

    Blessing: I feel like if anyone had carried scissors to cut that tension, the scissors would’ve broken. 

    Tunde: I wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t want to do it first because I’m a bad guy. 

    Blessing: So I did it. 

    Tunde: She told me to come back and kissed me. I knew I would die there. We became kissing coworkers, or co-kissers, if you will. 

    Blessing: He’d come to the office and there’d be tension. We both knew if it weren’t an office, we’d tear each other apart. But we’re great work partners, so we put all our emotions aside to make sure we got work done. 

    Tunde: I want to believe the tension helped us with work. We’d want to finish as quickly as possible so we could focus on other matters. I asked her out twice, but she turned me down because she needed time to think after just coming out of a relationship. But when our office closed for the year on December 19, she came over to my place and we spent Detty December together. On the 29th, I asked her for the third time to go out with me. We were in bed together; she said yes. 

    Blessing: Changed my mind because Detty December made me realise I enjoyed spending so much time with him.

    Didn’t your office have a no-dating policy? 

    Tunde: If anything, our office encouraged it. Everybody dated everybody there. 

    Blessing: It even produced three married couples.

    Tunde: Twice, someone introduced a coworker to their friend or family member, and they got married. 

    Company or dating site? God, abeg 

    Blessing: Dating and working together was great because we got to spend a lot of time together. 

    Tunde: In January 2020, she returned to her place, but honestly, she spent more time at mine than hers. 

    In February, COVID-19 happened, and we spent the lockdown together at my house. I stayed in an estate in GRA at the time and we had 24/7 electricity. Her place in Somolu didn’t, so it made sense for her to work from my house. The first couple of weeks were really good. We didn’t have any problems, and it stayed that way until we found out her dad didn’t like me. Her parents were really attached to her ex-boyfriend. They thought he was a responsible guy who’d eventually marry their daughter. 

    Blessing: Then we broke up for no actual reason. And they thought Tunde was this bad boy who was turning my head. 

    Tunde: Her dad reached out to her in late March to find out how she was doing. She said she was spending the lockdown at home, but he found out his unmarried daughter was living with the same guy he already thought  was turning his daughter’s brain. That’s when all hell broke loose. He’s an influential man, so he started threatening to reach out to some top police officers. That’s how our life went from peace and quiet to chaos and confusion. 

    I was so scared, I had to call my dad and tell him about the girlfriend he didn’t know about. He told me I had to return Blessing to her place so I can get her father’s blessing for the relationship. But it was in the thick of the lockdown, so we had to walk all the way from Ogudu to Bariga before we could see a car to take us to Somolu. 

    Even Fitfam people don’t do like that 

    Blessing: When he dropped me off at my place, I had to let my parents know I was back so they could stop all the police talk. But I didn’t want to let him go, so he stayed with me for about a week. 

    Tunde: I loved he,r and she was really unhappy. I didn’t want to just leave her like that. 

    Blessing: When he left, he stayed alone for like a week before I went back to his place. 

    Does that mean you resolved the problem with Blessing’s dad? 

    Blessing: Not really. There was no light or water in my place, and I needed both to work. My parents live in Edo state, so it’s not like I could go there. They just weren’t seeing that the most sensible decision was to stay in his place and work from there. 

    Since they didn’t agree to see it that way, I just went back to his place and lied to them that I was still at mine. There was no way I’d endure the lockdown period without light, water and my man. We lived together for a couple of months till he had to move from the mainland to the island for his MBA. 

    Tunde: I resigned from the company to do my MBA in January 2021. It was a residency program, so I had to leave her at home and move. It was the first time we had to go long periods without seeing each other. So it was catastrophic initially. She was home alone while I was in school doing this high-intensity programme that sometimes had me studying until 3 a.m. I’ll be too tired to speak to her on the phone, and she couldn’t come visit, so we barely spoke. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Make it Work Despite the Distance

    How did you get through it? 

    Tunde: This is the part that made me believe our love was meant to be. A couple of weeks after I started the program, she got a job in an office really close to my postgraduate school. Sometimes, when they gave us lunch in school, I’d take some to her. But that wasn’t enough; we had to get creative. 

    Blessing: I started sneaking into his room sometimes.

    Ah? How? 

    Tunde: There were loopholes in the school’s rules, and we exploited that. I won’t go into specifics because I don’t want to give the current students expo. 

    Blessing: I’d sneak from his room to work and then slip back into his room. It was adorable. 

    Towards the end of 2020, he stylishly asked what I thought of getting married. I freaked out about it because I thought it was too soon. He wanted to meet my parents, and luckily for us, my younger sister was getting married to one of his best friends. They did their introduction in the village and he was part of the wedding party, so he used it as an opportunity to meet my dad. 

    Tunde: I always knew her dad would like me. The problem was just that he didn’t know me. So before I went to their place in Edo state to see him face-to-face, I wanted to have a conversation with him over the phone to tell him my mind. I told him I was a responsible man, doing my MBA, and was interested in marrying his daughter. After that conversation, we didn’t speak again until her sister’s introduction in May.

    How did the meeting go?

    Tunde: Do you want to tell them how scared you were? 

    Blessing: I was shaking. My parents can be quite strict, so I didn’t know what to expect. But he came with his friends, and it went well. He became their sweetheart, although it took my mum a bit longer to warm up to him. She was extremely careful because she didn’t want me to go into the wrong hands. It took Tunde, my dad, sisters and even me talking to my mum for her to warm up to him. Now, they’re besties. 

    RELATED: Love Life: I’m Scared to Tell My Parents About Him

    Let’s talk about the marriage proposal

    Tunde: I proposed a few weeks before the official introduction between our two families in August. The proposal was funny because I had to change the venue a couple of times. 

    The first proposal was to happen at the beach in July. I’d planned with my colleagues to use them as a decoy. I’d tell her my office was having a “bring your partner” beach event. That way, she’d have to dress up and gbam! Proposal. Blessing and I stayed in a small studio apartment, and we never hide things from each other. We take all our calls on speaker, and we know each other’s passwords. With my colleagues in on it, they’d know to slip the plan in so it would seem legit. 

    Unfortunately, the Saturday I’d planned to propose, I couldn’t get the logistics right, so I moved it to the next Saturday. However, I didn’t tell my colleagues. When they called during the week, they started asking how the proposal went. She was right there so the proposal couldn’t happen again. 

    Oya, proposal number two 

    Tunde: I was planning to propose to her during our annual office retreat. You were allowed to bring your partner and even kids for the week-long retreat. It was at a really nice hotel, and the aesthetics would’ve been perfect for a proposal. Unfortunately, our Chief of Staff changed the rules and said she couldn’t come because I hadn’t proposed yet. I couldn’t tell her I planned on proposing there because I’d just joined the company and didn’t want it to be weird. 

    The date for our introduction was getting closer, and I wanted to propose before then. But I knew it would be difficult to get her to dress up without looking for a ridiculous excuse, so I had to do the ridiculous. I reached out to a not-so-close friend of mine and got him to invite us to a fake event. Then, I told my neighbours I wanted to propose to her in their apartment. They were in love with the idea. They left their apartment for us so I could get it all set up. I called my friend’s sister to help me out with balloons and everything. 

    While all of this planning was going on, Blessing and I were arguing. Why? Because I kept having to take my calls outside so she couldn’t hear what was going on. While she was accusing me of talking to other women, I was planning her proposal. 

    LMAO

    Tunde: I got a lot of our friends and family involved. On the day of the “dinner” my friend invited us to, I told my neighbours to call me and ask me to come over. They’re a married couple with a two-year-old and were like a big brother and sister to us. So them calling one or both of us over wasn’t new. 

    When I got to the apartment, I called to tell her it was both of us they wanted to see, and she should get ready so we could go from there straight to the “event”. When she got there, I was on my knees with all our friends around and music playing. 

    Blessing: And I laughed so much. When my younger sister got proposed to, she laughed as well, and I was wondering what was wrong with her. It got to my turn, and there I was. Seeing him in his turtleneck, down on one knee with all the balloons, it just looked really funny. I’m not sure I heard anything he said. I just said yes, and he put the ring on my finger. 

    Did anything change once you got engaged? 

    Blessing: Not really. We still remained the cool and adventurous couple.

    Tunde: Maybe our mentality changed. We had to start saving for a house and planning a wedding, so we had all those things at the back of our mind. 

    What was the wedding planning like? 

    Blessing: It was actually cool, not as hectic as I thought it would be. Since my sister got married in August, we had a template to work with. 

    Tunde: We did elevate the template though because our wedding was the bomb. 

    Birthday wedding? 

    Tunde: Look, let me tell you. I’ve pulled the greatest scam in history. Now, instead of celebrating our birthday and anniversary separately, I can lump it together and give one gift. People will read about me. Children will write stories about me. I’m making history.

    Blessing: It’s not like I objected to the idea of getting married on our birthday. Plus, he’s making all this mouth about not buying gifts, but this man is a liar. Since we entered February 2023, he’s been buying me gifts every day. 

    We got married on our birthday because he just thought it was adorable. Now, it’s a story he tells everyone once they mistakenly ask. It doesn’t help that we have the same loc hairstyle. When people see us, they mistake us for siblings then he launches into the “born on the same day and married on the same day” speech. 

    What’s married life like? 

    Blessing: We’re a lot more conscious about building long-term wealth, not just for both of us, but our families are involved now. 

    Tunde: When you get married, you think you’re getting married to one person, but it’s actually a village. You now have to consider family members when doing certain things. We kept trying to figure things out individually, so we argued a lot at first. Like three months in, we realised how important talking to each other about things is. We’d sit up in the middle of the night and cry about stuff. 

    Something else that’s helped our relationship over time is the foundation of friendship. I may be upset with Blessing my babe, but Blessing my friend and I will sit down and talk. 

    On a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your love life? 

    Blessing: I’ll rate it a 9. The 1 is because of the possibility of us being more than this. There’s a lot of room for improvement. 

    Tunde: I disagree for the same reasons. Since she said there’s a lot of room for improvement, I’ll rate it a 1. Shebi it’s you that’s looking for room? The 1 means there’s plenty of room for you. 

    Blessing: That room you’re talking about, it’s like you’ll go and collect it outside o, because I don’t understand. 

    Tunde: But for real, I’ll say a 9 as well. We don’t fight, and it’s not because we don’t have growing tension about things, it’s just that we quickly communicate it. It’s been butterflies since we started dating. I feel pretty good about us. 

    RELATED: Love Life: I Found the Love of My Life on Tinder

  • There comes a time in a sugar baby’s life when they realise they need to settle down and get married… to someone their age. Since weddings are expensive, and you don’t have the funds, here’s how to convince your sugar mummy to pay for everything. 

    Make her the chief bridesmaid 

    She’ll have a sense of duty to the event, and her purse will overflow. Plus, if she’s playing such a big role in the wedding, her rich friends would come too, and that means more money for you. 

    You had a dream

    Tell her you had a dream her life changed for the better after she sponsored your wedding. You can say you asked her for it as a favour, and when she refused, God used the bitterness in your heart to punish her. Nothing too extreme. Just say enough for her to agree to finance your entire wedding. 

    RELATED: 7 Important Qualities to Look Out for in a Sugar Mummy

    It’s a school project 

    You know how education keeps evolving? Well, your school gave you an assignment to throw a successful wedding plus reception. Tell her you’ll fail and drop out if she doesn’t finance it. If you’re not in school, you’re taking a new online course. 

    Her marriage inspired you 

    Not all sugar mummies are married, but if yours happens to be, then use it to your advantage. Her marriage is an inspiration and you want to know what marital bliss feels like. Sure, she’s cheating, but that doesn’t mean her marriage isn’t great. 

    If she’s not married, marry her

    The easiest way to get her to pay for your wedding is by making her the bride. Do you think she’ll let her wedding be done anyhow? Of course not. Wedding of the century. 

    RELATED: The Zikoko Guide to Finding a Nigerian Sugar Mummy 

    Or marry her child

    She’ll have no choice but to finance the entire wedding. It’s called strategic positioning. 

    Remind her that her reputation is at stake 

    People already associate you with her, so if you have a rubbish wedding, it’ll reflect poorly on her. There’ll be rumours about how she’s going broke and society will shun her. If your wedding isn’t grand, she might as well vanish from society. 

    Work overtime 

    Approach it from a business perspective. Show her a plan on how you’ll use your body to repay your debt. Work smarter, not harder. 

    RELATED: How to Get a Sugar Mummy Before You’re Old Enough to Be a Sugar Daddy

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)

  • If you tell your parents you want a small wedding and they accept it without any drama, I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you: you’re not a Nigerian. Your parents are clearly from another country and have refused to give you your original passport. 

    Nigerian parents see their children’s weddings as an opportunity to invite their friends, enemies, exes, colleagues, and even strangers to the biggest party ever.

    If you’re fighting with your parents over the size of your wedding, we have the perfect winning formula.

    Elope

    What’re a few motherly tears compared to the embarrassment of having to dance in front of one thousand people? Last last, everyone will forgive you and you’ll do thanksgiving in your family church.

    Surprise them with the wedding

    Tell the seven family members and three friends who you want to be at the wedding that you have a surprise event for them and that they should dress nice. When they enter the hall, they’ll see you and your partner on the altar.

    Tell them you had a dream

    Use their own methods against them. Tell them that in your dream, there were more than 30 people at the wedding, and it turned into an orgy that then turned into a massacre, and everyone died, and the devil stole everyone’s souls. 

    Be a disgrace to the family

    Nobody wants to carry a disgraceful child on their chest. Here are a list of ways you can disgrace your parents:

    • As a man, lock your hair or grow a full beard 
    • As a woman, get pregnant before marriage
    • Fail out of school after people have started calling you “D’Law”

    Do one of the above, and your parents won’t even attend your wedding, talkless of bringing the entire village. 

    Marry someone they don’t approve of

    You want to marry a proper bad bitch, a man who isn’t so wealthy or someone outside your tribe. They’ll attend the wedding for sure, but they won’t invite their friends to witness the abomination.

    Do a destination wedding

    Tell your parents they can invite anyone in the world, but the wedding is in Bali. Let’s see if uncle Gbenga and his 17 children will show up in this economy. 

    Print the wrong date on your IV

    If daddy and mummy have coconut heads and decide to invite the whole world, even after all your begging, no wahala. Just put the wrong date on the invitation card. The ones that’ll make it will make it. The ones that can’t, won’t. But you can be sure the crowd won’t be plenty like that. 

    Don’t get married

    You can’t have a crowded wedding if you don’t have a wedding at all. 

    How Do You Plan a Lagos Wedding on a Budget?

  • Is your man really in love with you if he doesn’t burst into tears as you walk down the aisle? The answer is no, obviously. So here are 11 things you can do to make your groom cry on your wedding day. 

    Find people to beat him 

    If he can’t cry on his own, he clearly deserves beating. Get one or two guys to “pay him a visit” the night before the wedding. And then make sure they’re invited to the wedding, so whenever he looks round the hall and sees them, he’s reminded of the terror. 

    Leave him at the altar

    Wait until they ask you if you take him as your lawfully wedded husband, then sprint out of the venue. While he’s devastated, thinking of what went wrong, he’ll start tearing up. Make sure you hide somewhere close sha, and the moment you see him crying, you can start walking back down the aisle. Just tell him you had to pee or something.

    Cheat on him the day before 

    You could do it the day before or even earlier. Find his best man and hook up with him. If your husband loves you, he’ll forgive you. Because what’s love without a bit of forgiveness? 

    Put aboniki in his handkerchief

    You’d need to work with his best man for this one. Just add a lirru bit of aboniki to his handkerchief and plan with the event centre to turn off the air conditioner 20 minutes before you come in. He’ll have no other option but to wipe his face, no? 

    Tell him you’re pregnant 

    Whether he’ll cry tears of joy or anguish and sorrow entirely depends on him. Your own is that he must cry. 

    Invite all his side chicks 

    Get a room and invite all his exes, sneakily links, side pieces and work wives. He’ll start crying when he sees them because he’s reminded of all the fun memories he had as a single man. 

    Call him the wrong name 

    For more effect, call him the name of one of your exes — or even his best man. You won’t even need to tell him to start crying.

    Marry someone else

    The aim is for you to make your man cry on “your” wedding day. Nobody says he has to be the one you’re getting married to. 

    Slap him while he reads his vows 

    The violent take it by force. So, trust us, it works. 

    Wear his club jersey

    If there’s anything we know, it’s that men are in a toxic relationship with their football clubs. No matter how often they complain that the club is trying to end their lives, they stay loyal. So ditch your white wedding dress and just go in their club jersey. They’ll either cry because they think it’s a sweet gesture or because it’s giving them PTSD from all their betting slips that cut, FPL formations that got ruined and all the banter the club made them suffer. 

    Beg him

    Before you finish trying all these things, call your partner aside and beg them not to disgrace you. Even if it’s one small tear, they should cry it and put your haters to shame.

    FOLLOW IT UP: How to Make a Man Cry in Bed  

  • It’s the end of the year, AKA wedding season, and everyone plus their entire family is getting married. First off, how are you people funding weddings in this economy? 

    That’s their business, TBH. But if your friends are getting married, it means you have to attend weddings and give them gifts. In other words, money is leaving your account. How do you manage this without showing your poverty or going bankrupt? Your pocket will thank us for these ten gift ideas.

    Your mother’s pots

    Every Nigerian mother has a bottomless store of ancient kitchen utensils. Just take one and give the couple.

    Handkerchief

    Ever been to a wedding where the groom starts crying profusely at the sight of his bride? Your gift will definitely be the most thoughtful one.

    Rent

    Don’t shout yet. We don’t mean pay their rent. You can save them rent by offering to have them live with you instead. Three of you may go hungry, but a gift is a gift.

    Prayer

    Like our Sunday school teachers drilled into our heads, prayer is the master key. If they’re creative with it, they can take your prayer to mean car keys, house keys, etc. You get the drift.

    Relationship advice

    Everyone knows the best relationship advice comes from single people, so go ahead and gift them from your wealth of breakfast experience.

    Spoons

    We all know spoons are the first to get lost in a Nigerian home. You’re looking out for them and making sure they never have to eat rice with their hands.

    Mug set

    If you can’t afford the customised ones, just get ordinary white mugs and use a marker to write “His” and “Hers” on them. Too much sense.

    Image source: Rae Dunn

    RELATED: 10 Ways to Make Sure You Never Receive a Bad Birthday Gift

    Aso-ebi

    Aso-ebi is already your ticket to attending the wedding. But in this economy, buying the aso-ebi is also equal to gifting the couple. We don’t make the rules.

    Your partner

    Hear us out. You’d be helping them keep their marriage spicy right off the bat. Sounds like a great gift to us.

    Money

    As long as you put the money in an unlabelled envelope and just squeeze it into their hands, they won’t know you’re the one who gifted them ₦2k.

    NEXT READ: 8 Married Nigerians Share the Biggest Regrets From Their Wedding

  • Relationships are full of surprises. But what if your boo has a boo that they’re getting married to and it’s not you? Check for these signs so they don’t catch you offside.

    They become sweeter than usual

    Once this starts to happen, it’s either they’re doing send-forth for you, or they’re trying to ease their guilt. Once they start being sweet in a way that’s out of character, jazz up.

    They’re buying you gifts more often

    It’s just consolation for the breakfast you’re about to receive. Think of them as your severance.

    They start ghosting you for extended periods of time

    Maybe they’re having some alone time with the love of their life. Or today’s their family introduction. Whichever one it is, you’re not in the picture.

    They don’t talk about marriage with you

    Obviously, they’re already planning to escape the relationship with somebody else. Open your eyes and ask for their hand in marriage straight up. They’ll probably serve you breakfast, but at least you won’t be caught off-guard.

    RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Share Why They Regret Getting Married

    They talk about marriage all the time

    Let me just tell you; you’re their unofficial wedding planner. They’re basically using your ideas and imagination to plan their own wedding but you’re smiling at the thought of your opening dance. 

    They start getting strange calls

    Once they start getting calls from unknown numbers and the conversations sound serious, it’s obviously people calling them for stuff they need for their wedding. They’ll tell you it’s a work call but you should know better.

    Their friends start calling you “our wife” or “our husband”

    You’re definitely not their wife or husband. Pack your things and run, my friend. Because in two weeks, you’ll see these people on the internet posing as groomsmen or bridesmaids at your partner’s wedding and you won’t be there. Don’t lose guard.

    NEXT READ: 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

  • Do you feel like your proposal options are limited? Well, they’re not. To prove that here are seven unique places you can propose, to spice up your prenuptials. 

    Cemetery 

    Who needs living witnesses when you can have dead ones? 

    Filling station

    Since there’s always a crowd, you won’t need to drag your family and friends here. They might even congratulate you with free 25 litres of fuel. 

    Wedding 

    It could be your wedding or another person’s. Either way, it’s a great way to save resources because after you propose, you can just use someone’s leftover wedding

    RELATED: If He Does Any of These 9 Things He’s About to Propose to You

    Another person’s proposal 

    They’ve already set up everything you might need, so why not? 

    Hospital 

    Just in case the person you’re proposing to faints from excitement. No need to be rushing them to the hospital. 

    Traffic 

    As a Nigerian, you already spend the bulk of your life in traffic. So why not? 

    Bedroom 

    If the possibility of them saying no is high, do it in your room to avoid public disgrace.  

    RELATED: 6 Interesting Places to Hide the Engagement Ring Before You Propose

  • The long, flowy dresses and suits are nice, but this is 2022. It’s getting boring. We’ve seen crochet wedding dresses recently, and we’re excited about it. Here are other things we’d like to see couples wear this year. 

    Armour 

    If you’re getting married in the church, we don’t see why you should wear anything other than armour. Yes, we’re talking the whole steel breast-plated, shield-wielding fit. Full armour of God energy? Let’s have it.

    Mini skirts and ashawo shorts 

    It’s your big day, so your goal should be to leave an impression. What better way to channel your main character energy than with the one outfit that makes you feel the most sexy? 

    Other options: 7 Ways to Spot People Who Have Main Character Energy

    Matching T-shirts 

    Because why should the “his and hers” and “I can’t breathe without you” T-shirts stop at the engagement photoshoots? 

    Clown outfit

    Just because you need to dress the part. You didn’t just fall in love; you went on to plan happily ever after in this economy. Mtcheww, two clowns. 

    Pant trousers  

    Yes, we want to see both bride and groom wearing pants in the house. E for equality. 

    White garments 

    Because wedding gowns are clichéd. Also, white signifies purity, and even though you’re both unrepentant fornicators, you can at least fake it until you start believing it. 

    Nothing 

    Wouldn’t it be nice just to be free? You’re always talking about how stressful wearing clothes are, so please just go as you are. Adam and Eve did it, so why can’t you? 

    ALSO READ: Beach Fashions: 6 Hacks to Make You Look More Fashionable at the Beach

  • We’ve seen so many movies and books feature bachelorette parties, but what actually goes on during these parties? These five Nigerian women share with us what really went on at the parties.

    “Sisterhood and friendship”

    At the first bachelorette party I attended, the bride didn’t even know it was happening. We had it a week before the wedding and told her it was just a girls’ day out. After lunch, we whisked her away to the Airbnb we had booked. There, we played a mini drinking game where we asked each other questions and they had to chug alcohol when they got the answers wrong. When we were all sufficiently buzzed, we got dressed and went to the karaoke bar to drink some more and sing all our favourite songs off-key. 

    The next day, we ordered junk food and ate until we almost couldn’t walk. We did each other’s hair, painted our nails, and shared our skincare routines. Then, we all talked about our relationships, shared our problems, and gave each other advice. It was beautiful and we all didn’t want it to end. When we had to leave, we cried. There was a lot of hugging, weeping, and promises to never let marriage change us. Three years and two more weddings later, I think we’ve gotten the hang of it. 

    -Yinka 

    “Debauchery and iniquity”

    My friends have always been wild people, so when one of us announced she was getting married, I suspected the bachelorette party might end in someone getting arrested. The plan featured a lot of alcohol, drugs, and clubbing. The bachelorette party was on Friday night and the wedding was the next afternoon. We wanted to hit as many clubs as possible that night because we didn’t know the next time we’d be able to hang out like that again. Marriage changes people and we knew it was going to change us. 

    The first club we went to was a strip club owned by a friend, so we reserved seats and everything. He said it was his small gift to the bride-to-be. He also gave us some money and told us to go crazy. That crazy? We went it. I can’t count how many drinks we consumed that night, but it must have been a lot because the bride-to-be and chief bridesmaid were kissing each other a lot. We didn’t think much about it because we all know they used to hook up sometimes.  

    We dragged ourselves to two other clubs that night and it was just us drinking, getting high, and flirting with each other. The bride and chief bridesmaid were both naked on the bed, and I was topless on the floor with our other friend naked beside me. The two other girls were in their rooms, struggling to wake up. We went to bed around 4 in the morning, but we were woken up by the hair stylist and makeup artist around 6. a.m. so we could start getting ready for the wedding. 

    We got to that wedding hungover, and I could swear that the tears in the bride’s eyes were from the bright lights that gave her a headache. But it made for an “awwn” spectacle, so we ran with it.

    -Alice  

    RELATED: 6 Nigerians Share Their Worst Drinking Experience 

    “I made friends”

    The first bachelorette party I attended was my cousin’s. There were some girls in the bridal train I was meeting for the first time and I liked how we were able to click instantly. 

    We first tried practising our dance routine for the traditional and white weddings, but once we realised we were doing rubbish, we stopped. That’s when we started playing games like Never Have I Ever. 

    At the hotel we stayed at, there was a pool so we went there to continue the party. There was a lot of food, dancing, and talking. When we left the pool, we couldn’t sleep, so we continued to gist upstairs. We eventually went to bed around 3. a.m. but had to wake up at 5. a.m. to start getting ready for the wedding. The girls and I are still friends and they may even be my asoebi girls at my wedding.

    -Amina 

    “It can be anything you want it to be”

    My friend’s bachelorette party was a bit different because it was held with the groom and groomsmen as well. The bride and groom felt like since the bridesmaids and groomsmen hadn’t had a chance to get to know each other properly, the best place for it to happen would be at a party, with overflowing alcohol.  

    I learnt two very important things that day. The first was that grown men and women still play Truth or Dare, and the second is that my friends don’t have shame. 

    The party happened at one of the groomsmen’s houses because the bride and groom wanted it to have a homely feel, but the homeliness left when we started playing Truth or Dare. When the game started getting a bit too intense, we broke off into different groups to just do whatever we wanted. Some played charades, others played Jenga and I had a threesome with the bride and groom. 

    I think that the whole point of a bachelorette party is to be able to do whatever you want with friends. 

    -Bimbo

    RELATED: 7 Nigerian Women Talk Threesomes

    “Marriage counselling 2.0”

    The bride is very religious, so the bachelorette party mainly constituted of other married women giving her advice on how to handle certain things in her marriage. Even when we played games, the questions we asked her were centered around her relationship with the man she was marrying. 

    There were food and drinks, but no alcohol, and it was very disappointing, to say the least. When I was invited, I was hoping for a slumber party type of vibe where we did our hair and made our nails. Instead, what I got was marriage counselling 2.0.

    -Adaeze

    [donation]