Tiri gbosa for whoever came up with the concept of the talking stage Apart from the Nigerian government, that sunken place is the only other thing that has succeeded in making my life a semi-living hell.
From revelling in the late-night phone calls to realising that you’ve wasted your time, energy, and resources on something that’s going nowhere. Nothing is more humbling.
Here are all five stages of the place where love dies talking stage:
The meeting
You meet a random individual on the side of the street, in a bar, on a bus, or while slaving away to capitalism. They smile or make you laugh, and you’re convinced you’ve met the love of your life, the apple of your eyes, and the one you’ll wake up to pound yam for at 4 a.m..
The actual talking stage
This is where the talking happens and where the talking stage should naturally end and progress into better, more fruitful endeavours, like the actual relationship. But your village people have seen your happiness in their calabash and they don’t like it. So, after a month of giggling in the middle of the night and taking them with you everywhere via video calls, your feeling grows into something more. Not love nor lust, but a secret third thing.
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The obsession
At this point, you’ve spoken to them so many times you hear their voice in your dream. You can even draw their face from memory. More importantly, the little voice in your head that told you they’re your soulmate when you first methas become louder.
The realisation
Congratulations, you’ve hit the six-month mark of tomfoolery.Now, you know everything about your partner in iberibeism; their likes and dislikes; their aunty in the village who is always crossing her boundary. But the thing is, you’re beginning to wonder, “What TF are we?”
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The ghosting
In true “they can not see me finish fashion”, you start dropping hints and subs for your partner in foolishness to catch.
Sadly,this is where the bus comes to a stop and releases both of you from the madness. One of you will realise that nothing will ever come from this and ghost yourselves. This chapter of your love story has now come to a close. For how long? Only time would tell.
All relationships matter, even the ones that have you wondering if you’re together-together — because you people do relationship things, but they’ve not made it exclusive yet.
They might serve you numerous dishes of confusion, but they still deserve to get a little something for Valentine’s Day.
The hint
They’ve been taking up space in your heart and head for this long. It’s time they made things official, and if they need a little push or the biggest one ever, what are you if not kind and generous?
A new phone
They might want to post you and show you off, but their current cellular device and service provider won’t let them. Take the bull by the horn, and get them a new UK-used phone (you’re not Father Christmas, please) and a new sim card. If they don’t scream their love for you from the top of Oriental Hotel after this, then your case is more serious than we thought.
A watch
A clock could work, too. Just get them any time-telling device so they can see for themselves that they’re wasting your time.
An apple
We didn’t say an Apple device o. Go to the market, and buy them one apple. You’re the apple of their eye and they need to understand it.
Memories
Make a compilation video of all the times you made them laugh and smile, so they’ll see how happy they truly are with you and do the needful quickly.
A photo album
And put in pictures of yourself from when you were born till now. They need to know you’re a spec and if they don’t make their love known, someone else will sweep you off your feet and from their arms.
Dark chocolate
They’ll think you’re being romantic, but in reality, you’ve given them food to boost their brain so they can think wisely and see how you’re the only one for them.
I’ve been plus-size all my life. My mum has shared my birth story so many times that I can almost recite it now. I was 4.8kg at birth, and she had to get an episiotomy to deliver me. I was the baby that people loved to admire but never volunteered to carry because of my weight.
Of course, I was bullied in primary school. I attended a public school, and the kids were mean. The teachers, too. Once in primary three, a teacher called me “orobo olojukokoro” because I grabbed a classmate’s sweets as a joke, and the girl screamed in protest. My classmates, on the other hand, would call me “Junior Layole” in comparison to our plus-size headmistress, Mrs Layole*.
In secondary school, I became the bully. I figured if I were always in attack mode, I wouldn’t get attacked. I’m ashamed of it now, but I often picked on smaller kids. The stubborn ones insulted me back sometimes, mainly targeting my weight, but I never let them know it got to me. I’m not sure if it was my weight or my mean-girl status, but I never had a boyfriend until I got into university.
I started dating Bade* in 2016 while I was in my second year at the university. I was going through a body-confident streak at the time. I’d just discovered the keto diet, which seemed to be working because I went from 135kg to 123kg within about four months of starting it. Before then, I’d tried different options like avoiding meals and eating only when I was about to faint, which just contributed to me developing an ulcer. I’d also tried to exercise a couple of times, but never progressed past 30 minutes on any activity. I always found jumping up and down painfully awkward with my big body. All my failed exercise attempts were from home because who would endure the crazy looks from people at the gym?
So, when I found a diet that actually seemed to be working, I was ecstatic. Most of my weight is spread across my boobs, arms, stomach, hips and butt. Losing more than 10kg meant my stomach looked flatter, making my curves look more accentuated, so I started wearing clothes that showed off a bit more skin. And that’s when Bade came into the picture.
While we’d always been coursemates, we didn’t really talk. I wasn’t an introvert but hardly made friends because I didn’t want snide remarks or “helpful” weight loss suggestions. But one day, he got my contact from our class WhatsApp group and started moving to me anonymously.
I say anonymous because I didn’t have his number, and he didn’t even use the number that was on the WhatsApp group to chat me up, or I’d have traced it. He just told me he was a secret admirer from class. I didn’t take him seriously at first and would ignore his attempts to start conversation because it just seemed weird. But he’d send me cute good morning messages daily, and I started looking forward to it.
We started chatting regularly, and despite my best efforts, I couldn’t get him to reveal his identity. This lasted for about two weeks until he finally agreed to show his face. We met up alone at one of the secluded lecture halls in the evening, and it turned out to be Bade. I already liked him at that point, and I felt like there was an unspoken agreement that we were together, so things got quite heavy that night. We made out for hours.
The next day in class, we didn’t act like anything happened. He kept stealing glances at me, and naively, I thought we were in our own world and had our own little secret. When evening approached, he texted me to meet him at another secluded spot, and we made out again. We “dated” like that for about seven months.
It’s not like I didn’t try to make our relationship public, but he somehow made me believe we didn’t need external validation to be together. I believed him because he was my first, and I was in love. Our situationship eventually ended when someone else from our class shared loved-up pictures of herself and Bade on her WhatsApp status on his birthday. She took them down almost immediately after. I’m sure he also fed her with his “we don’t need external validation” crap. I confronted him, but there was no evidence, so he tried to gaslight me. I just stopped texting him after that, and he didn’t reach out again.
I’ve had two other boyfriends since then, and while they didn’t outrightly try to hide me, they weren’t too pleased to be seen with me. I met the first one right out of uni in 2019, and he was always “helping” me watch my weight. I’d stopped the diets — even the keto because it only worked for a while — and I was at a point where I was just trying to live my life. If I made the mistake of telling him I was craving something, he’d drop remarks about I needed to be craving “gym”.
For the entire year we were together, we probably only took pictures together twice. But he always asked me for nudes because, according to him, he was “obsessed” with my body. The same body he wanted me to get rid of. One time I suggested a restaurant date, and he said a better idea would be to go on the date to celebrate if I lost some kilograms. I still don’t know how we survived a year together, but I left when it got too much for me.
The next one was in 2021. To be honest, I only got with him because I was feeling lonely and sex-starved. And boy, did he change that. We had sex a crazy amount of times. But go on actual dates? Nope. Bro claimed he was a homebody. We were at it for about eight months before I decided I was better than that.
I’ve been single since then, but I think I’m in a better place mentally. I exercise a bit more regularly now — still from home because I’m still scared of getting stares at the gym. I’m currently around 125kg, and even though I still want to lose weight, I try not to think about it. I dress well, if I say so myself, and look even better. If I show you my Instagram DM, you’ll find several men who want to “meet up”, but I’ve experienced enough to know it’s more of a fat fetish. They want sex, but it’s these same men who’ll drop foolish comments under my pictures. It’s tiring being seen only as an object for their fetish, but I’m over them. They’ll be alright.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
After a long day of saying yes to capitalism, Zikoko heads home. At the bus stop, they see a familiar face.
Zikoko: Hello. Hi. Sorry, you look familiar.
Situationship: [rolls eye] No, I don’t.
Zikoko: Yes you do. I just need to remember. Your name is… your name is…
Situationship: I am not Relationship.
Zikoko: [laughs] God no, I wasn’t going to… People say you look like Relationship?
Situationship: Yes.
Zikoko: Ah no o, they must be confused. It can never be you.
Situationship: [side eye]
Zikoko: [claps] I remember. You’re Situationship. You’re internet famous. Did you know that?
Situationship: (hiss) All of that love is online.
Zikoko: No one said it was love.
Situationship: In real life, they can’t stand me, and I don’t know why. Am I ugly?
Zikoko: NO. God, no.
Situationship: So what is it? They never want me for too long. After a while, they start looking for Relationship. Who the fuck is that guy anyway? I’m better than him.
Zikoko: I don’t think it’s a guy…
Situationship:
Zikoko: Yes, absolutely, you are better than him.
Situationship: Exactly. I’m relaxed. I’m chill. I don’t make people clean their house or label things. You can have me and all the other friends you want. The point is I’m not holding anyone back. Maybe that’s why they all run along after a while.
Zikoko: Because you don’t hold them back?
Situationship: Yes, then they start acting like I sent them away. They could have just stayed. I should be enough. People who want to move to Relationship are just greedy.
How often do you find yourself caught up in entanglements and shalaye? Well, this quiz has an idea if that life is for you or not.
Try below:
Tired of being emotionally manipulated and taken fi idiat? Well, as a resourceful publication, we have compiled the best food practices to help you toughen up.
I know you want to thank us, but, don’t mention. Your hardness is our only concern.
1. Drink Palm Oil Like Your Life Depends On It.
Let’s start with the basics. Why do you think Yoruba men are evil? It’s in the food. These people have been fed loads of palm oil, from birth. And there’s nothing certified to make you emotionally unavailable like palm oil.
You see, palm oil is a lubricant. What it does is that greases all the right and left ventricles of your heart, so that rather than care or simp unnecessarily, you just keep it moving – practically.
Eating bread? Add palm oil. Drinking coke? Add palm oil. Eating Shawarma? Add palm oil. Now come back in three months and tell me if you’ve not become a hard girl.
2. Never Drink Water After Eating.
This logic is self explanatory. DO NOT DRINK WATER AFTER EATING. Stop, as from this moment. Water after food means you’re contented. Having a mentality of contentment, especially with guys, will leave you heartbroken.
Don’t drink water after eating. NEVER. That way you become a raging alpha female. Never satisfied. Swapping men from left to right, looking for whom next to devour. A queen.
3. Eat Plenty Nigerian Rice.
Duh, don’t we all know that Nigerian Rice has a lot of stones. Don’t you want a stone-cold heart? Now eat Nigerian Rice. EAT UP.
More stone intake means a stonier heart. A stonier heart means you won’t find yourself in the parlor while your husband’s marriage is being consummated in the bedroom. It’s all about the stones. Think about it.
4. Drink Gulder.
Growing up, I once lived in this house where the Landlord drank Gulder with Kulikuli. Bruh…was he mean? You can guess he damn right was!
You see, Gulder is the secret sauce to hardness. Nigerian thieves take it, and Nigerian police do, too. Want to be mean? Want to switch up on that guy? Don’t want to be cooking rejected Egusi? DRINK GULLDER. Now, always.
5. Belch More, And Loudly.
Nothing says I don’t care about your existence and/or wellbeing and/or happiness and/or survival like a strong, loud belch. A quaking one that comes in sequences with high and low pitches.
Practice it, exercise it, use it. Men will fear.
6. Normalise Eating Eba At 2am.
Babambari. The king of tactics.
Eat cold eba at 2am. Nothing makes you meaner. If you do this often, even Undertaker will fear you. Don’t worry about your fupa. Real men know real women. Eba is a chow for ritualists. Eating it at 2am is chow of the most emotionally unavailable people, and I know you want to be one. So, eat up.
Situationship – When you are together but not really together-together like that. You can be physically naked with them but your emotions dey wear cloth.
Well, if that confused you, it confused us too.
And since it’s a ball of confusion, here are the signs you need to see so you can be released from bondage.
1) She’s not doing the “Know You” challenge with you.
Couples do cute cringey stuff together. It is known.
