Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old heterosexual woman. She talks to us about wanting the perfect first kiss, letting go of purity culture and how she regrets not squirting the first time she felt the urge to.

    TW: Sexual assault

    What was your first sexual experience? 

    I masturbated for the first time in 2020.

    Before this, I’d never really paid attention to my sexual urges. I come from a very religious home. For context, I have an uncle that’s a priest and an aunt that’s a reverend sister. That’s how religious we are.

    My parents were liberal on certain things but sex was the one thing we were told not to try. You had to keep yourself clean and pure until your wedding night. For the most part, I stuck to this. While my secondary school friends snuck off to the labs to make out, I stayed out of it. 

    Sometime in 2020, I started following more people on Twitter who, like me, had abandoned a lot of this thinking around purity culture, sex and sexuality. I told myself it was time I tried some of the things I saw them recommend in their tweets. So I started with touching myself.

    And how was that? 

    It felt really weird. It took time for me to get used to touching myself. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it but it took some getting used to. It felt good to finally try out something sexual but I didn’t try anything sexual with anyone just yet.

    Why? 

    I wanted my first kiss to be perfect. Under the night sky or in a cinema. Something outrageously romantic, like in the movies.

    I loved reading books and watching movies growing up and I really wanted what I saw on the screen so a part of me decided to wait till I had that. So even after I ditched a lot of the religious reasons behind my avoiding sexual things, I still wanted the perfect time with the perfect person.

    Unfortunately, that never happened.

    What happened? 

    My first kiss happened this year on the same night I had penetrative sex for the first time. It was sometime in March 2021 and I had returned to my city after travelling. It was late so I had to spend a night at my friend’s house. I knew he liked me and was attracted to me but I really wasn’t attracted to him at all. I just saw him as a friend and he was older by like 16 years.

    I’m so sorry about that.

    He didn’t force me or anything but I just felt like I couldn’t say no to him. And what made it even worse for my first time was that he wasn’t gentle at all. 

    After it happened I just remember feeling very guilty and impure. It was such a terrible feeling. It tainted sex for me because on the one hand I just kept regretting having sex with him and on the other, I wondered “Is this sex? Is this what everyone makes noise about?”

    I’m glad I got a chance to try sex again with a friend who lived in the same city as me. We hung out a lot and I started to like him. One day he texted and told me he was coming to mine and I told him to bring condoms.

    And how was it for you? 

    Sex this time was really really good. I enjoyed it so much. He was so gentle with me. He took everything slowly and kept asking me questions. He took his time and made sure he was pleasuring me and that I was enjoying myself.

    But I really regret not squirting that first time.

    Ah. Why didn’t you? 

    While we were going at it, I started to feel like I was going to squirt — or pee, the same thing really. I told him I had to go pee and he told me to do it there. In my head I was confused. Why did this man want me to pee on my own bed? I rushed to the bathroom and I peed.

    I really wish I hadn’t peed because since then I don’t think I’ve experienced anything close to that feeling and I would like to experience it again.

    It seems this fellow sabi the work 

    Yes! It really felt like pleasuring me was his life’s goal. There was always ample foreplay, He would finger me till my legs quaked and eat me out till I couldn’t feel my legs.

    Wow. God when?

    Lol. I loved teasing him. I was new to sex but I was in my bag when it came to blow jobs. And it’s even funnier because I’d actually searched “How to give blowjobs” on YouTube. Didn’t really get a lot of good answers so clearly, this babe is a natural.

    He always indulged me as well. I have this fantasy of having sex in an office and he made it happen for me. He invited me over around 6 p.m. when most people had left.

    I’m noticing a lot of past tense. You guys not seeing each other anymore? 

    No, we’re not. I had to move from that city and so that had to end. But I’m really glad we got to explore so many things. I was comfortable enough to laugh with him in bed about anything from farts to queefs.

    So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    4/10. I’m celibate right now. There’s so much that I want to do but I don’t think I want to date in the city I’m in right now. I should be moving to another city in the new year and maybe then I’ll meet new people.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who’s a sickle cell warrior. He tells us how exercise helps him deal with priapism, his journey with masturbation, and how romance novels kickstarted his sexual journey.

    What was your first sexual experience? 

    I was in Primary 6 when I first masturbated. The details are foggy but I remember that it all started with erotic scenes in books.

    I was a very shy child who really enjoyed reading. My mother bought me as many books as she could find. She is a very religious woman, so I don’t imagine she knew what she was buying when she got me all those James Hadley Chase and Harlequin books.

    I had a very active mind and could picture everything I read in detail. When I read these scenes, I would get an erection. So I read more books.

    One thing the books did was that they made me exclusively attracted to older women. I barely talked to girls my age. The women in the books were grown and curvy, and because there were always visiting aunties who fit this description, I started to fantasize about one of them.

    I thought of her as I moved my waist on the bed. This continued till I came, and it was an interesting thing finding out my body could do that.

    Oh wow. When did you start doing sexual things with other people?

    Not until a lot later, around 2012. I was in my second year in university and I had a girlfriend. We started dating in 2011 and agreed that we wouldn’t have sex or do anything at all actually. She was the first person I’d ever kissed.

    A year into our relationship, we decided that we would make out and try fingering and oral sex. In all this, we still never had sex.

    Why did you decide not to have sex?

    Sex had always been off the table for me. I read books with erotic scenes, watched porn, touched myself but the actual sex was where I drew the line.

    I grew up very religious and so the topic of sex was a non-starter. So in a weird twist, masturbation became this thing I’d found that I could do to prevent myself from “sinning” like the rest of my secondary school mates were doing. 

    They would tell me of the things they were doing with girls they liked, and I wouldn’t be moved because whatever pleasure they were getting, I could very easily sort myself out. 

    What else has been a significant part of your sex life so far?

    I live with sickle cell and as a man, this can come with a condition called priapism. Nobody had ever told me about it but I found out by myself when I was 20.

    I was back home from university. It was the early hours of the morning and I had just finished watching Spartacus and masturbating. After a while, I noticed my erection hadn’t gone down at all. I couldn’t call for help because what would I tell my mum?

    I panicked at first but then I tried cold water and it helped it calm down. I did some more googling and I found something that matched my symptoms. I read that adrenaline was something to take to fix it. Since I couldn’t buy adrenaline, I decided to substitute that with exercise.

    At this point, I was still dating my girlfriend in university. When we made out and I felt like it was happening I excused myself and went out to do push-ups for about 15 to 20 minutes. This always helped. 

    I always make sure to inform any sexual partners that I am a sickle cell warrior and that if we plan to be sexual in any way that this is a condition I have.

    These days when it happens with my current partner, I just do the push-ups right there in front of her.

    So how did sex finally happen for you?

    Ah yes. That was in 2018. I had a friend who I would make out with from time to time. Ours was a “friend with benefits” setup.

    She came into town to see me. I will start by telling you that the sex was not good. I wasn’t ready. Not just in a naive, not-knowing-anything way. That was a factor, but I genuinely wasn’t planning on having sex with her that day.

    Before then, all we did was make out and give each other head. That was the plan when she came visiting this time and she was visiting from another state. When she arrived she basically told me, “I didn’t come all this way to just make out. We’re going to fuck.”

    If we’d had a conversation about it prior to her getting there, I may have at least gotten my mind ready. At that moment though, I felt like I couldn’t say no. Then I believed that sex was not a thing I could turn down so as not to “fall my own hand.”

    We had sex and after I came, she said she wanted to go again. I was so out of it that I couldn’t penetrate her again. She had to masturbate to get herself off.

    I left the house for her after that night. What if she wanted sex that I didn’t want to give again? I spent a chunk of the time she was around in my neighbour’s house. 

    I’m so sorry about that. Did this affect how you perceived sex?

    It did. I was convinced that this first bad experience happened because I wasn’t prepared and I felt like I had to prove that it could be good if I tried again. So I called up another friend with benefits and she came over and the same thing happened. I could penetrate but my mind was still not in it. Even after planning and preparing myself for it.

    It wasn’t until later that it hit me that I may have just not wanted to have sex with these women. I was fine with making out and oral sex but nothing more.

    It’s just important to me that the partner I have sex with is someone I can be very vulnerable with and tell things to. With my current girlfriend, I’m ready to have sex but she’s not and that’s fine. 

    So have you had sex that you enjoyed?

    If you’re talking penetrative sex, I would say no. That last experience was the last time I had sex. But with other sexual activities, I can say that I’ve always enjoyed the thrill of discovering things about my partner’s body and mine.

    That’s great. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    8/10. I’ve had penetrative sex only twice and I’m not having sex right now, but I’m totally fine with it. I am making out and having oral sex with my girlfriend and as I ask my partner questions, I learn more ways to pleasure her.

    Also, I can go days now without any sexual activity. Not even masturbating. When I feel horny, I usually just dive into work until I have time to attend to the feeling. So I’d say I’m not doing too badly.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heteroromantic asexual woman who talks about living with vaginismus, being sexually attracted to people for short periods of time and the struggles of being asexual and sexually active.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I remember two experiences, but I don’t know which came first. 

    One time was with a neighbour’s daughter. After watching Nollywood movies and seeing people humping, I got very curious and wanted to recreate what I’d seen on television. I was in primary school.

    The other time was when a boy in my neighbourhood and I were playing a game called “Mummy and Daddy”. It was this game where we imitated grownups. Sometimes we pretended to be a married couple, other times we pretended we were young people on a university campus. On one particular day, we acted out a kiss. It was the first time I kissed a boy but I didn’t really feel anything. It was just me acting out what I supposed adults enjoyed doing..

    When next did you have any sexual activity?

    The next time I kissed someone, I was 17. I remember asking this guy I liked how we were supposed to kiss, and he didn’t know either. My eyes were open for the duration of the kiss. In the middle of it, he opened his eyes and met mine shining. It was so awkward. I remember him actually screeching.

    LMFAO. And sex?

    I tried sex for the first time when I turned 20, but it didn’t quite go as planned.

    What happened?

    I was seeing a guy, and we decided we were going to have sex. When I got to his place, he pulled out some lube, put it on his finger and stuck it in my vagina. Nothing felt out of place until the lube started to burn. Like there was pepper inside my vagina. I asked him if it was normal. He said it wasn’t. Turned out that the lube had been expired for four months!

    I beg your pardon?

    I rinsed it off and it took another hour before we tried again. Then we met another problem — his penis couldn’t go in. Imagine trying to put your finger through the eye of a needle; that’s how it felt.

    A few months later, I found out — after googling my symptoms, of course — the condition I had was vaginismus.

    We tried and tried that day but ended up not having sex. Things with this guy ended soon after this. I remember thinking there was something wrong or I wasn’t aroused enough. Finding out about vaginismus really helped with getting past these thoughts.

    I’m so sorry about that. So how were you able to have sex for the first time?

    Practice and planning, my friend.

    After doing some research and finding out that dilation was a way to fix vaginismus, I started to try it. First with one finger, then I added more fingers. I also tried breathing techniques to help me calm down. Soon I could insert small anal dildos of varying sizes with little resistance.

    When I felt like I was ready, I planned to have sex with this guy I’d been seeing for a few months but had never had sex with. All we used to do was make out and sometimes I would perform.

    Perform?

    Oh yes, I enjoy strip teasing and doing sensual dances and being watched. Like burlesque dancers. I get so much pleasure from knowing that I’m the cause of my partner’s arousal. I love lingerie, so I usually wear them and just perform for my partners in person or over video calls. 

    If I had to equate the pleasure I feel from that I might just equate it to an orgasm.

    Interesting! So how was your first time?

    It was painful. Though I had been dilating myself with my fingers, a penis was a whole other ball game. Once we started, I felt a lot of pain but thankfully even before we started I’d been laughing so it helped me forget the pain.

    Laughing? Was the guy cracking jokes?

    Lol no. He had a football injury the day before we saw, so he had a cast around his leg and couldn’t walk well. When I came in, he was so horny and rushing and it was hilarious to watch. I figured if he had an injury he would at least take his time and ease into it. But I guess the wait made him too eager.

    It sha made me laugh, and I’m thankful for it because I don’t know how else I’d have gotten through that pain.

    When would you say sex stopped being painful?

    I think it was after the second time. My hymen tore, and it made things easier. The more I had sex, the less painful it became.

    So are you having sex more these days?

    Not really. I feel sexual attraction, but it’s usually few and far between. It doesn’t help that I also don’t just find random people sexually attractive; I have to have some emotional connection with them. But in my case, an emotional connection isn’t even a total guarantee. I once had this guy who I was seeing and really liked but in the two years that we were together, I think I found him sexually attractive on two occasions.

    There are times when I wish I didn’t experience sexual attraction at all, so I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on something. So these days I inform potential partners that there’s a chance I won’t find them sexually attractive, and all I’ll want to do is kiss and cuddle but not have sex.

    What if they are sexually active?

    I’m fine with a sexually open relationship. My sex drive, even when I’m sexually attracted to a person, is not very high and there are these expectations with sex in a relationship that I don’t think I can keep up with anyway.

    I mean I can have sex with them but just as an activity. I’d be faking everything the entire time.

    The way I explain my experience with being ace is with hunger and appetite. Hunger is what you would call sex drive or arousal. Everyone can feel hungry (aroused). If you touch your clit, your body will respond; it doesn’t mean that you are attracted to anyone or trying to have sex with someone. For that, you will need appetite (sexual attraction).

    In my entire life, I’d say I’ve been attracted to five people. The first lasted for about eight months; the second was for two days; the third was for two weeks; the fourth was for two years and the fifth was for two months. I find that I just don’t have the appetite as much as other people.

    So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 6/10. It’s definitely above average because I was having good sex for two years with one of the five people I mentioned being attracted to earlier. But that ended. Now I know more about the things that work for me in sex but haven’t had a chance to explore because I don’t find anyone sexually attractive right now.

    Also, I’d like to state for the record that vaginismus sucks. I haven’t had sex in about two months and when I tried to masturbate recently, it was so painful.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about having sex for the first time at 25, discovering the wonders of lube, and her current struggle to leave the treacherous streets.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    The very first time anything remotely sexual happened with me, I was six and it was with my brother who was about four at the time. We dry-humped, and I vividly remember us kneeling to pray after. Being from a very religious home, we weren’t fans of going to hellfire for doing nonsense.

    The next memory I have would be with a family friend’s daughter. I was 12 and her mother was friends with my father. One time when we visited them, she initiated a kiss, and it just continued like that. I used to be so excited to visit them because I knew we were going to make out. 

    How did your religious upbringing play out in this situation?

    I’m actually not sure. I just knew I was enjoying whatever we had going on. 

    Would you say that you are now also attracted to women?

    That’s something I’m actually confused by. Because I enjoyed making out with that girl but right now I’m as straight as they come. Except for that one time in 2017.

    Ah, what happened?

    So I had this female friend and colleague I liked, and we would hang out and talk a lot. She was into women and would tell me about her sexcapades from time to time. These stories piqued my curiosity, and I found myself very attracted to her.

    Tell me you shot your shot

    Lol. For where? No o. I diligently prayed and fasted until I was over it. For context, I was extremely religious at this time and was going through so much guilt for even thinking about sex. Being with a woman just felt like an even bigger sin to be dabbling in at the time.

    I was 23 and had never had sex when this happened. If I had done the deed, I just may have considered shooting my shot.

    What made you wait that long though?

    Religion. That was mostly it. Keeping my “virginity” till my wedding night was something that was expected of me anyway. Also, my sister had waited till her wedding night, and I wanted to do it too.

    So all through secondary school and university, no sexual activity?

    In secondary school? Zilch. I was all about my books and had body image issues from getting bullied for my looks, so there was no sexual anything going on there.

    University was different. I was still quite religious by the way. I would think about sex from time to time but, ultimately, I was waiting for my wedding night. But you see making out? I was a make-out champion. I made out with a shit load of people. I did everything — kissing, blowjobs, handjobs — just never penetrative sex.

    So how did sex finally happen?

    March 2019. I think religion finally lost its hold, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to wait till marriage because I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married. Besides, I just wanted to fuck.

    There was this guy I’d really liked in uni. I always said my first time would be with him or with my husband. As there were no plans for any husband at this time, it was definitely going to be him. I called and told him I was finally ready. We’d been making out for almost six years since uni so we were already quite familiar.

    He was actively having sex, so he knew a lot more than me but he eased me into it.

    And how was the sex?

    My first two times, there was so much pain. It was new for me and I think a lot of the pain came from not being as lubricated. I didn’t suggest lube because I’d always heard that if you didn’t get wet on cue then something was wrong. So I literally braved through the pain the first time. I could barely enjoy it.

    I’m a very anxious person and I think my anxiety was part of the reason for not getting wet through it all. 

    By my third time with this same person, he suggested using lube and the sex definitely got better.

    Lube to the rescue

    Yes o. Thankfully my first two partners didn’t make me feel any kind of way about not being wet enough. They were very comfortable with using lube.

    It was a little later in my sexual journey that I ran into men who took it as an affront if you were not extremely wet. They saw it as you not being as attracted to them or something of the sort.

    Please, my dear sweet babes, lube is your comrade in arms. Any man that makes you feel some type of way for wanting to use lube for assistance is your enemy and you should dump him.

    A word for the wise. So when did you start enjoying sex?

    Once there was lube involved and I had gotten a hang of sex with partners I liked, orgasms from penetrative sex became a regular thing. 

    I started to have constant sex with the first guy I slept with. He became my official fuck buddy. Then I would also meet people from time to time and have sex with them as well.

    And of course, in the absence of my partners, there was always masturbation, my old friend.

    Tell us about that.

    It’s really always been off and on. Usually, I’d masturbate when I watched something sexual, or when I was bored or just horny. It also didn’t help that masturbation was seen in religion as this thing that made you dirty and filthy. But thanks to the lockdown, masturbation peaked for me in 2020. I had all that time to myself, and I took that time, dear. I took it well.

    You do you, ma’am. Do you ever consider revisiting an encounter with a woman?

    I typically never say never. There was a time when I abhorred giving head, and now it’s one of my favourite things to do. I’m at a place where I’m pretty certain I’m not sexually attracted to women but I might meet someone, so we’ll see. One of my partners proposed a threesome once and I turned it down, but it’s something I could be open to at a later time. We’ll see.

    What’s changed with sex for you these days?

    Honestly, streets have shown me pepper and now I really want to have a lot of sex but with one person within the confines of a committed relationship.

    There are certain ways men move mad when they’re in casual relationships or situationships. There’s just a lack of accountability. I was with this one guy and at some point, I guess things changed for him, but instead of having a conversation about that and letting me know he was done, he just ghosted. If you raise these points, the response you get is, “At least we’re not in a relationship.” I’m trying to shield myself from that.

    I also want security. To be able to say this is my person and this is what we’re doing. Of course, it doesn’t guarantee too much, but at least it’s better than being totally unsure of what this person can wake up tomorrow and do.

    So how would you rate your sex now over 10?

    I’d say 6/10. I’m having great sex and orgasms all the time, but I’m not having it as frequently. I recently fell out with my fuck buddy and we used to fuck like every week. Now it’s been like two weeks and, nothing.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about how she decided not to wait till her wedding night to have sex, her desire to dominate a man, and all things she enjoys that she blames porn for.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I wouldn’t say that this was a sexual experience but it’s a good place to start this story. It was the first day I saw porn. I spent that day in a police station.

    I’m sorry, what?

    I was about 13 at the time and my brother had just gotten a laptop and he had found hentai – anime porn – online and showed it to me. I’d seen random clips here and there before but this was the first time I was getting to see an actual video.

    My father caught us watching this and he absolutely lost it. He made us pack our boxes and took us to the police station close to our house. I remember feeling so bad and having so much shame. We ended up coming back home around 11 pm that day but it was such a weird experience.

    So did this keep you off porn?

    Till my late teens. When I was getting into uni I was finally looking for porn by myself. Searching categories and all that. It’s what helped a bit when I decided I wanted to have sex for the first time.

    Oh yes, so how did that go?

    I was 17 the first time I had sex. I was in the U.S. for university and had started dating this guy that I liked. We lived in a co-ed dorm and after my roommate moved out in my second year, we basically started living together. 

    I didn’t plan on having sex till my wedding night.

    What changed?

    Before we had sex, my boyfriend and I would usually make out. One day, he put his finger in me, and it was the most excruciating pain I’d ever felt. I had to think very hard about my decision to wait because I wondered what a penis would do to me if a finger could do that. I thought about how sad it would make my wedding night, so I decided to get all the unpleasantness out of the way early.

    And how did your first time go?

    As I imagined. Painful as hell. I wondered if I would need to have my hymen surgically removed or something.

    Eish, sorry. But did it get better?

    Oh, it got a lot better. We had more sex, and I started to try more things with him. I watched more porn and discovered the stuff I liked or wanted to try. From degradation during sex to craving sex in public places. I think the most insane thing we wanted to try at the time was to go to the centre of the school’s football field and have sex there. We never got to do that though. We settled for having sex in his car in the school’s parking lot.

    I had to move to another state and change schools after about a year so we broke up.

    What was your sex life like in this new city?

    I lived with some family members in that city. I was meeting people, but I wasn’t in a co-ed dorm anymore. Sex in class became a thing for me with one guy I was seeing. We were doing that for a while until one day when he asked me to give him head and his penis stank to high heavens. He was uncircumcised, and I think he hadn’t washed well. I got one whiff of it and backed the hell away. We eventually settled on a handjob. But can you believe that after this man came, he just packed his things and left?

    The audacity.

    That was the last time I saw him sha. Another interesting fellow I had sex with was this white guy I met through some mutual friends. I didn’t particularly find him attractive, but he was persistent and we planned to see a movie at his. I told him straight up that we were not going to have sex, and he was fine with that. Then we settled in to watch our movie. Guess what I chose for us to watch…

    I feel like I’m not going to get it.

    Dear White People.

    Oh God.

    Yes, yes. It was hilarious. 

    Anyway, we did end up having sex but the night ended up having a bit of a snag because at some point the condom got lost, and we had to stop and look around for it. We checked the bed and everywhere around. Turned out it was inside me. I don’t know if the condoms were too big, but yeah, that didn’t help the mood for the rest of that night.

    Not a lot of exciting things happened with sex in that time. After a while, I had to return to Nigeria to complete uni and during my final year, I met a sugar daddy.

    Where did you meet him?

    Lol. I met this one at a club when I was with some friends. Honestly, I hesitate to call him a sugar daddy because of how selfish he was. But he falls under the group of men I slept with not because I liked them, but I just knew that when we saw or had sex, I’d get some money from them but not a lot. 

    Things were going okay with this guy until we had sex one day and for some reason, this time was without condoms. I’d never had someone cum in me, so I never thought to ask if he had when we were done. 

    A month later, I noticed my breasts were increasing and I hadn’t seen my period. I remember sitting with my friend and doing the first test. It was positive and I was crying. My friend told me to do another one (we bought many) and it was the same thing.

    I didn’t get an abortion till it was well into the third month, and that was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.

    So sorry about that.

    Thanks. It’s been some time since then. I didn’t see him again after the abortion. He was clearly a very irresponsible person. 

    Once I was done with uni, I started focusing on having casual sex with people I liked. I also started to try some things that I genuinely blame porn for.

    Blame porn? How?

    You know how you watch something and you think you might like that? Yeah, I tried a couple of these things, and now I’m going to list the ones that worked in real life and the ones that didn’t.

    *opens note* I’m all ears.

    I was watching lesbian porn when I figured, oh, I might like this. Then I actually tried it. 

    I was with this girl, and we were both drunk and I played with her clit and sucked her breasts, but when it was time to actually do anything that involved her vagina, I was suddenly not sure I wanted to. So that was the last time I tried that.

    Then golden showers…

    Like getting peed on?

    Yeah, but not all over you like in porn. I no get mind like that yet. I asked him to pee on my leg. The entire time I didn’t quite get what was pleasurable about that, so I don’t think I’ll be trying the full thing anytime soon.

    Orgies were on my list of things to try before but I don’t even know how the mechanics of that would work. I am not currently thinking too hard about it.

    Then there’s this thing where I know I’m a sub but I really really want to try being a dom.

    Get More Zikoko Goodness in Your Mail

    Subscribe to our newsletters and never miss any of the action

    How did you find out you were a sub?

    I can’t say for sure that I know when I discovered I was a submissive, but as far back as my first boyfriend, I really enjoyed degradation. Every single derogatory word you could think of. I like them. I enjoy being whipped and gagged and slapped. I may blame porn here too as well. Of course, I gravitated towards more submissive themes in the videos, and as I encountered new things, I found more stuff that I liked.

    Point is, now I want to dom a man.

    How come you haven’t?

    I’ve not found a willing man o. Help me tell your people.

    LMAO, no wahala. How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 7/10. It’s satisfactory. I have a couple of people that I have sex with from time to time, but my libido is not what it used to be anymore. When I was younger and just getting the hang of sex, I used to be horny 24/7. Now I only get horny when ovulation comes around.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old pansexual woman who talks to us about discovering she was polyamorous, learning to have sex for herself, and dating a woman while in a relationship with a man.

    TW: Sexual abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was about 8. I was a very timid child and my mother encouraged me to make friends with my neighbour’s daughter who was about my age at the time. We would always hang out at either of our houses and one time, she asked me to touch her between her legs and she did the same to me. I liked it and we kept doing things like this until we moved to a different city when I was 12. 

    After we’d do these things together, I’d go home and read some of my nanny’s HINTS magazines. When I was 10, I read one of them about women touching themselves as we did was described as lesbianism. I ran to her house to inform her, in case she didn’t know, that we were lesbians.

    My first penetrative sex experience though, happened when I turned 18. I’d made a mental note to myself that I was going to wait till that age to have sex and when the time came I met this guy off Twitter and asked him if he’d ever been anyone’s first. He told me he had and so we had sex.

    Before we go into how the sex was, why this guy?

    Well, he wasn’t someone I particularly liked as a person. That was the main reason for choosing him. I was only physically attracted to him.

    Wait, you didn’t like him?

    Nope. When I was 12 and hanging out with my teenage male cousins, I heard them say that when a girl had sex for the first time with a guy, he would be all she’d ever want and she would remain madly in love with him.

    Ah yes, a version of that insane thing people call Okafor’s law.

    It didn’t make any sense to me even at that time. Why would someone sleep with me once and I’d be stuck with them forever? What’s that about? So I decided two things that day: I would have sex for the first time at 18 because I’d be an adult then and the person would be someone I had no emotional connection to at all.

    And you made good on your promise. So how was the sex?

    It was a very weird experience. I didn’t enjoy it. Every time he tried to penetrate me was painful as hell and it took a long time before he was finally able to. We tried with condoms and wasted about 3 condoms before he suggested we do it without them. When he finally got in, it was still so painful and felt so horrible that I screamed. I also bled. He got tissues to wipe the blood and then told me that we weren’t done yet because he still hadn’t broken my hymen. I was new to sex so I believed that this was how it worked so I allowed him to continue. There was so much pain and eventually, I passed out. When I came to, he was still thrusting and he ejaculated inside me. He bought me antibiotics the next day. I wonder how I didn’t get pregnant because those were definitely not contraceptives. 

    That’s horrifying. I’m so sorry. When would you say sex got good?

    I continued to have sex with this first guy and it didn’t get any better. While we were doing this I reached out to a guy I really liked but couldn’t have my first time with. Now I had had sex and could meet with him. So we did and I had my first orgasm from penetration. I didn’t even know that I was orgasming, I just thought “This feels weird, but good.” It was the first time sex was good and I was confused because I had just come to believe that sex was a painful thing.

    After a while, I started dating another guy that I liked. At this time I was getting regular orgasms from penetration but my school was in another city so we could only have sex when I was out of school. 

    I was having sex in school though. With a woman I liked.

    *Gasps* Cheating???

    I didn’t consider it cheating. I just felt like I was living my life and it was nice. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything bad so I talked about it with my boyfriend. And he never pushed back or complained about anything. Since he was fine with it, in my head it wasn’t cheating.


    But to be fair, I was seeing her before I started seeing him and she also had a boyfriend who was not in the same city as well. We just didn’t see it as a big deal. But it was. I felt more for her than I did for my boyfriend but no thanks to conditioning, I’d always just seen any relationships with women as temporary and that I would eventually end up with a man so it was all just fun.

    Did you ever feel bad about it though?

    I never felt I was doing anything wrong. I think I’ve always just been polyamorous. I confirmed this after reading more about polyamory years later. In my mind and heart I knew I could feel things for many people, so why was that a bad thing?

    Preach sister! So how have things changed for you with sex?

    This year has been interesting. I have finally started having sex for myself. I used to have sex for many different reasons: a man liked me, paid me attention, asked for it or because I was in a relationship. It wasn’t because I actually liked penetrative sex and wanted to enjoy it for myself.

    Now, I choose my partners and if I don’t want to, I say no. For example, there’s a friend of mine who has been wanting to have sex with me. I’ve told him no a few times. He’s also asked to eat my ass a couple of times and I let him but with sex, I drew the line. And I didn’t even like the ass eating. I realised I was only letting him do it because I somehow thought this was a way to save our friendship. But he kept pressing and now it’s to hell with him and his friendship.

    So what has ‘having sex for yourself’ looked like this year?

    For starters, throughout the lockdown I learned to masturbate and enjoy it. I now make myself cum often. Before this, I would feel so much guilt and shame about masturbating. With the lockdown, a lot of things became less taboo for me.

    What are some of these things?

    Apart from masturbation, sleeping with people in relationships or married people. Having sex in multiples. I’ve already had three threesomes this year alone. With six different people!

    The first one was with a guy I liked and wanted to have sex with but he mentioned that he preferred to have sex in multiples. I told him I’d never had a threesome and so he set it up. We started with watching Netflix but soon that became background noise for our shenanigans. It was such an erotic experience. And it was intimate. I always thought intimacy had to be between two people but I was wrong. The entanglement of bodies just felt so pure. At some point after he penetrated her, I sucked her juices off his dick. Do you even know how magnificent that is?

    I can’t say that I do. How did the second threesome happen?

    I went home with a babe from the club. I thought it was going to be just me and her but her man was there. We made out and then she ate me out for what seemed like hours. When she was done, her man ate me out as well, I squirted, and then he and I had sex. It was really good.

    A random thing I’ve also experienced this year is that getting my toes sucked intensifies my orgasm.

    You, my friend, are living the life. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 5/10.

    I beg your pardon?

    Okay, so I give it a 0/10 because I’m not having sex as frequently as I’d like. But 10/10 for when I get to have sex because it’s always so amazing. Put those together and you get 5/10.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old queer man who talks to us about his first orgy, meeting sex partners online, and his desire to sleep with a woman.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    When I was about 15, we had this family that lived next door and had two kids — a boy and a girl who were both a year ahead of me in school. My first few sexual experiences were with both of them.

    Both?

    LOL. It wasn’t at the same time, and they still don’t know that I’d done things with the other.

    So what happened with each of them?

    I was a horny teenager who thought they were hot. For the brother, we would give each other handjobs when we were alone watching TV. We watched TV alone many times.

    And the sis?

    With his sister, it started a little later. Our families were obsessed with this series called El Cuerpo del Deseo. Whenever it came on and any of us didn’t have light, we would either put on the generator in our house or my parents would just let us go to their house to watch it. This was usually when we would sneak out to go and make out.

    How long did this go on?

    It lasted for about a year until they both had to go to university. I was writing WAEC, but I was also still a horny 16-year-old so I joined this old social media app called 2go and started talking to people off the platform.

    2go had rooms where you could find people with similar interests, and there was this one I was in called “Naija Gay”. People would come on and drop information about themselves like “Onitsha, Bottom”, basically telling anyone who was around Onitsha and wanted to link with a bottom all they needed to know.

    For me, any budding conversation usually would end when they asked me to see them or to meet them somewhere because at this time, I had no money, and I wasn’t about to ask my mother for transport money to go and meet a stranger.

    Did you eventually meet someone there?

    I got a text from someone I had been chatting with saying he was at my junction and would like us to have sex at his friend’s house, which was close by.

    I’m not sure why, but I said yes. When we got to his friend’s house, he said he would top me and I could top his friend who was a bottom.

    How did it go?

    Oh, it was horrible. It was my first time, and he was so rough and hadn’t even tried to ease me into it. It was such a horrible experience. After we were done, I packed my things and left that place. I didn’t have sex for some time after that.

    Did this experience taint sex for you?

    Not at all. I didn’t have sex mostly because I got into the university and spent the first year living in the hostel. There was definitely no chance for any of that when I had roommates.

    In my second year, I moved off campus to an apartment by myself. I got back online, this time both on 2go and Facebook and started meeting some new people. I didn’t like a lot of the men I was meeting.

    Why not?

    I didn’t like the men because there were not particularly to my taste. Most were older and not particularly fine.

    You’re primarily attracted to men then?

    Yes. But to be fair, I am also attracted to women. I’ve had huge crushes on women and been very attracted to them as well. I lean more towards men, but gender is not the most important thing. I like a vibe.

    You were meeting men you didn’t like; when did you finally get to have sex?

    In my second year. I remember meeting this guy online who lived in one of the towns around my school, and I went to see him. He gave some excuse about why we couldn’t have sex in his house and took me to one valley.

    Valley? And you went?

    Yes, I did. We had sex in the open there. I topped him.

    How was that?

    It wasn’t bad. I’m open to trying things. Well, except BDSM. I think I’m too kind for that.

    But one of the exciting things I’ve tried was an orgy. I’ve been to three orgies, but the first one was the most memorable.

    How did that happen?

    So this was post-university. I was working on Christmas day and talking to this guy I met on a dating app. He asked if I wanted to be in an orgy. I’ll admit I didn’t immediately know what he was talking about. I thought he had asked me if I wanted “oji”, which is igbo for kolanut. I was very confused, but then I thought harder and it hit me. I told him sure. I mean, why not. 

    Before then, I considered myself someone who didn’t do too much — the most I’d done were threesomes. I went there straight from work. In the house, I found six other men naked smoking and drinking. When they tried to offer me drinks and things to smoke, I told them I didn’t indulge and they laughed at me asking “How you wan take do this thing now?” I was like, “God will provide”.

    The orgy lasted for hours, and it was so good. We each got turns with other people. It was so good that one of the men asked me to marry him that day. This was a gathering where we didn’t know each other’s names, but this man went on to get my number and pester me for almost three years.

    Oh wow. Are there any things you are looking forward to trying?

    I feel like I would like to have sex with a woman. But there’s a lot of politics playing out in my head. I worry about doing it and realising it’s not something I’m into and then it feels like I’ve wasted someone’s time or maybe it’s a case of internalised homophobia — which I don’t think I have.

    How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d rate it a 10. I’m not having sex every day or anything, but I’m having sex when I want to have it. I have a couple of people that I’ve met through the internet and I can call them up whenever I feel like it, and that’s great for me.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old heterosexual man who talks about getting into sex through porn, attending sex parties, learning to please his partners, and the time he slept with a man to experience a sexual awakening.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was 13. It was with a 16-year-old girl I knew at the time.

    I had told her I was ready to have sex because I had watched a ton of porn that I got from the older people around me at the time. I was quiet and curious so they didn’t hide too much around me. I had also read many porn magazines and was genuinely fascinated by sex and thought that these images and videos were all I’d need to get the deed done. Boy, was I wrong.

    The entire time I didn’t know what to do with my hands, or how the vagina worked, or even where to put my penis. I was clueless and strong-headed so even when she tried to show me things, I didn’t listen because I didn’t want to seem like I was new at it.

    That was quite early. Did you try again?

    Yes. For that, we’ll fast forward to age 15. There was this girl who was the first and only crush I’ve had. She was somewhere between 18 and 21. Following the disaster at 13, I tried to do a bit more research. I finally knew where my penis was supposed to go, and well, I put it there several times like I’d seen it done in porn. It was still very bad.

    When I asked how it was, she said it wasn’t bad, but I thought she was patronising. I felt this strong urge to get better and prove myself to her.

    Did you get to?

    We tried again when I was 21. I had had sex with a lot of other people but I look back at the sex I was having then, and it was all so bad.

    She was abroad, came into town and told me she wanted us to hang out. We got talking and decided to have sex again. And it was bad, again.

    How come?

    There wasn’t any communication about what we wanted, especially for her. Not before, not during. We didn’t say what we liked or didn’t like. We just had sex and moved it along. This is why I insist it was bad. It was the same going in and getting out that I had been doing with the other people I was having sex with, but this one sat with me because I really liked this woman.

    I was able to pick up on a couple of things that she responded to, but ultimately we could have had a much better experience if we had just communicated.

    So when would you say sex got better for you?

    I was 25 and my friend invited me to a sex party. I don’t have sex at these parties. I’m a voyeur, so I just sit, usually dressed in black with a glass of whiskey in my hand and watch them go at it.

    During this particular sex party, I was watching two people when this woman came, sat by me and we got talking. We were talking about people having sex and pointing out things. It was such a great conversation. I asked her why she wasn’t having sex like the others, and she said the room was too hot. In the end, we exchanged numbers and started texting. One day she just straight up asked me if I wanted to have sex. 

    Did you?

    Hell yeah. We already had great conversations. Sex was going to be a welcome addition. 

    We planned a weekend, and for me, it was the first time somebody tried to teach me how to please her. It changed many things for me.

    I knew people were different, but somehow I didn’t think to apply it to sex. She told me what she wanted me to do to her, where she wanted me to touch, how to respond to her touching me and also asked what I liked. I said, “Ah, anything,” and she laughed. It was at this point I figured I didn’t know what I liked.

    So she took it upon herself to try a few new things with me that have now become things I like.

    Care to run me through some of those things?

    I mean, why else are we here?

    First, she jerked me off. This one I was familiar with, but what was different was that she did it while maintaining eye contact with me. That thing fucked with my mind.

    Then, she touched herself while making me watch and maintaining eye contact. This, of course, played into something I already mentioned I enjoyed — voyeurism.

    When it came to sexual positions, she was very into missionary. People like to talk down on that position but those who know, know.

    She talked me through that as well. Told me when to go slow and I listened. Then at some point, when she had had her fill with that, she told me to do whatever I wanted, and it definitely felt different because when I did what she said and went slowly, she got wetter with every thrust so when I started going faster, it just felt so much better.

    This actually fits into the template of how I have sex now. Starting off slow, then building to a crescendo. But it also made me very curious about sex and getting better at it. Even more curious than I was when I was younger.

    How curious would you say you were?

    Extremely. I was always trying to understand sex. I remember finding a book that belonged to my aunty. It was a small book that had pictures of different sex positions. My aunty found me with it and quickly collected it. She asked me what I’d seen, and I told her it was people dancing. She explained that they were having sex but didn’t tell me much else.

    As I grew up and saw more things and more positions, it got into my head that sex, something I’d believed was one way, could be done in very many ways. And while I did build this curiosity, I wasn’t having good sex until I started listening to my partners.

    In your curiosity, what else have you given a try?

    Well, there’s sex with multiple people. I should just start by saying, I don’t like it. I will always prefer having sex with one person. Here’s why:

    The first time I had a threesome, it was with two women, and the entire time I felt like someone wasn’t getting enough attention. While I was having sex with one of them, it felt like the other was neglected. I got too in my head about it. They ended up making out with each other and I watched and jerked off to that.

    When I tried a threesome with a guy and a girl, I’d say that was way better. In this one, the girl was getting so much attention. That was great because by this time I had become very particular about pleasing my partners in sex.

    Anything else?

    I was part of a pretty spontaneous gangbang. There were a few of us in the living room. One of the guys was with a girl, and they went into the bedroom. Next thing, another guy went in. One other guy came into the house and noticed that some people had left. He said, “Oh, it’s started?” And took off his shirt as he walked towards the bedroom. 

    I joined them and it went great, but honestly, it just felt somehow.

    Another time, I tried sex with one of my gay friends. He’d told me he wanted us to have sex, and at this point, I’d read something about not being fully sexually awakened until you sleep with someone of the same sex. So I said yes.

    How did that go?

    I’ll tell you, it was great for him. It was actually pretty good for me as well. I’d done anal before with a woman, but I generally don’t like it because of all the ways it can go wrong if not done properly. After we were done, he asked me the million-dollar question, “Would you do this again?” I said no. It wasn’t for me.

    How would you rate your sex life?

    I’d rate it a 10. Since I started having sex with women with whom I have a deep connection, I have been having amazing sex. I currently have about eight partners. We aren’t in any relationships; we just have great conversations and sex. This might actually be the reason I’m single; I’m having a lot of really good sex now.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old woman who isn’t thrilled about tagging her sexuality. She talks about her attraction to women starting with Rihanna, how sleeping with friends can be more convenient and her experiences with heterosexual women.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    My first time having penetrative sex was very calculated. It was a month before I turned 18, and I’d been dating this guy for about a year. We’d done everything but have sex.

    We’d talked about having sex before then but I kept changing my mind until the day came and we were in front of each other and it felt like that scene in the movie where the two characters know what they’re there for but they still talk through it like “Oh, do you want to do this” “Are you ready”. That’s how it went.

    I didn’t have anything to compare it to but the sex wasn’t impressive. It didn’t help that we were both virgins and he had a huge penis. It wasn’t terrible but I didn’t cum. We kept having sex for about a year before we broke up.

    And did you figure it out eventually?

    Well, compared to the sex I’m having now, I look back and just want to vomit because what was I even doing then?

    Were you only attracted to men?

    Oh hell no. I already knew in secondary school that I was attracted to women, and I have Rihanna to thank for that.

    I’d heard a rumour that there were naked pictures of Rihanna online. Out of curiosity, when I went home, I picked up my cousin’s phone and searched the internet for these images. I legit couldn’t believe that people had naked pictures of themselves online.

    I found some of these rumoured pictures, and I swear I spent about an hour just staring at them. I remember that these pictures did something to me that I didn’t think they should have done. It was an awakening.

    My teenage version of porn became to look up pictures of female celebs. I started to notice girls and see them as pretty. It was one of those things I didn’t allow myself to think about but I definitely was crushing hard on so many girls and chucked it up to “she’s pretty”.

    Did anything change in that regard?

    Well, from secondary school till my first boyfriend in uni, I kept seeing men and convincing myself that girls were just “really cool”. But I noticed I would constantly develop tiny crushes on my friends’ girlfriends. It didn’t make sense, so I didn’t act on these crushes until the day my boyfriend told me “You know the way you talk about these your friends’ girlfriends is not normal right?” He didn’t even say it in a judgemental way. He was very encouraging when we talked about me exploring things with women but also made it clear he wasn’t sure how he felt about all of it. 

    Talking about it made it feel less taboo, but I was in the university and didn’t know any girls who liked girls or wanted to sleep with me. Most of the time I would only get chances to kiss girls during truth or dare games.

    Ah yes, the famous Truth or Dare. Did you continue trying to explore with women?

    Nothing really happened for me until I got drunk at a party and a girl there took advantage of me. I remember not being sober and failing at stopping any of the things she was trying to do. At some point, the room that had a few people when the party started was suddenly empty and I was alone with her.

    That sort of put a pause on me trying things with women for the rest of university.

    I’m so sorry. What came after uni?

    My relationship while I was in school lasted about 3 years, which felt quite long. When I came out of school, I wasn’t really interested in getting into another one; I just wanted to hook up with people. And I did, but mostly with guys because they are always readily available. But the best part was probably that they were mostly my friends.

    Did sleeping with friends start after you left uni?

    It actually started in uni. I had this friend who I hooked up with after breaking up with my first boyfriend — I’m not sure I can say he was a friend at first because we kissed the first time we met — but we never did anything while I was dating my boyfriend. After my breakup, I was vulnerable and he was there for me. So it was pretty simple: he liked me, I was heartbroken and looking to get laid, we hooked up. After the first time went well, we decided to keep doing it. It just became a thing.

    That sounds like a great arrangement.

    It was, then it spoiled. He started to want more because he actually liked me while I was still in that weird space where I didn’t want to do romance, I just wanted to have sex. That was the end of that.

    Because we live in a society obsessed with purity culture, it’s hard for me to just go to a stranger and say “hey let’s fuck” without the fear of being tagged a whore or — even worse — getting attacked by this stranger.

    With your friends, and friends of friends, it’s safer and a lot more convenient. Following that, it just made sense to sleep with my friends.

    So far you’ve slept with only friends?

    Well, the one time I met someone and we talked about having sex that first day, we actually did it two weeks after but now he’s one of my closest friends. 

    And the best part of these arrangements with friends is that they don’t have a specific stop date. I have some that have gone on for weeks and even months sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be a regular thing; you just know that if you guys are ever in the same city or are feeling up to it, you can hit each other up. Like leaving a bunch of doors open.

    I notice you only talk about male friends, does anything ever happen with your female friends?

    When it comes to women, I have only hooked up with strangers. I think there’s only been one time I hooked up with a female friend, and I just kept questioning the whole thing and whether she was actually really into it.

    I may be projecting because of all the many times I’ve met women who weren’t particularly bisexual or lesbian. They were just straight women having fun, and so while I would be there planning how we would probably hook up a second time, the babe is already over it. 

    There was this one time I went to a house party with this guy I was sleeping with and there was this other girl there and she was with another guy. At some point that night, after a lot of drinking, my head was between her thighs and a lot was happening. I remember we both came a few times. And then the next morning I woke up alone in a room in the house and that was the last I saw of that babe.

    Those are extraordinary doings. Would you say you prefer sex with men or women?

    I can’t answer accurately. I’ve mostly been sleeping with men lately so I may be biased in that regard. But then, there’s also an excitement that comes with hooking up with women that I do not feel with men.

    I mean, I will still enjoy sex with men but usually, I get there and I know this person, it’s familiar and we get to it. With women, it’s just more exciting. Like you’re on drugs.

    Okay so back to these friends, what would you say is the longest you’ve had a door open for?

    I’d say, my first boyfriend. We met when I was 17 and till now whenever we’re both single — I’m usually always single — and in the same city, we are likely to have sex.

    How would you rate your sex life now over 10?

    I’d rate it a 7/10, but it’s about to go up to a 9. I’m having a lot of sex with this male friend I have who is invested in helping me sleep with more people. He’s literally said that the next time we are out, we will be with his other friends who are lesbians and all I’d need to do would be point out who I liked and he would make it happen. So basically, my sex life is about to be very very interesting.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old bisexual woman who talks about deciding to have sex after a car accident, getting over sex guilt and how she started grading her male sexual partners.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    The first time I had penetrative sex was at university. I was in my third year, and I’d been dating this guy for about a year. He’d had sex before but we hadn’t. We just made out a lot.
    One day, on our way back from a party, the car’s brakes failed and we had an accident. It could have been really bad but luckily, we were fine. When we got back to school, I thought, “I could die anytime o”. So we had sex.

    “Tomorrow is not promised” nacks. I respect it. Wait, this was the same day as the accident?

    Yeah. We did it, and I didn’t really like it because I think I preferred making out more than the actual sex. It was a letdown.
    Also, I remember heading to my room and feeling like everyone was staring at me because I’d had sex. Which was silly. They were staring at me because I’d clearly just been in an accident.

    So how did it go with this boyfriend?

    We continued dating and having sex for another eight months before the relationship ended. He broke up with me because I was shit at sex — or because he wanted to cheat. I’m not sure which it was.

    I was very active in church, and so every time we had sex I would go to church for one meeting or the other and feel so guilty. One time I had these really bad cramps that sent me to the emergency room. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong even after an ultrasound, but it would get so bad that I couldn’t walk.

    I’d find out later that it was phantom pain and was in my mind but showing in my body. It was clear that only making out was the best thing for me at that time.

    Was that the end of sex for you?

    Well, there was the breakup, but before that, I got raped by the drama director at church. I was also getting a lot of attention I didn’t want.

    I remember telling my friend that it felt like everybody wanted to sleep with me, and that was so disconcerting. I would wonder if maybe there was a sign painted on my head. I got really depressed. 

    I’m so sorry about that. So when did the tables turn with sex?

    After I left university, I continued to have sex with other men I met and dated, but unfortunately, I had started confusing sex for affection. My heart got broken three times back to back. So I told myself I would stop dating.

    Then I met this guy on Twitter. We hit it off and decided to spend a weekend together. It was my first time packing a bag to stay over at a man’s place. 

    When we had sex, something changed that day. While the sex was good for me, it was great for him. He couldn’t stop talking about it even after the weekend was over. Being the person making him feel all that pleasure was amazing. At some point, I didn’t even mind not getting any pleasure. It was also the first time I was having sex without any phantom pain, or shame, afterwards.

    How did it go this time?

    We dated for about three years and we had sex a lot. We had this book that had different sexual positions — just like the Kamasutra. We were both committed to having the best sex. 

    It didn’t even matter where we had sex. One time we had sex in the rain, another time in his uncle’s house, then on his mother’s fridge in her kitchen, then his grandma’s house—

    Not grandma’s house.

    We had sex everywhere. And we never got caught. One time, at his mother’s house, there were a few of his friends and his mother’s friends in the living room having a discussion. We both went to the backyard to have sex.

    Ah. You said this ended after three years. What happened?

    I found out he had a girlfriend who was not in the country the entire time we were dating.

    But it didn’t end right after that. We kept having sex, feeling guilty about it, spending some time apart and repeating the process. During one of the times apart, I ran into him and we decided to go back to his house. There was some other babe in his house and three of us slept on the bed. At least I thought we were all sleeping. The two of them were busy having sex beside me. I woke up and asked what he was doing, and he kept lying. Eventually, he started apologising and kissing me and then we started making out. That’s how this other babe joined us and I had my first threesome. I liked it.

    He left the country after a while and that was the end of that.

    Wow. So what came next?

    I decided I wanted to get serious with adulting. I got a job, got into a committed relationship and did that for four years until it became abusive in the last year. We finally broke up before the lockdown. During the lockdown, I moved in with some friends; three women and five men in the same house.

    Were you having any sex?

    Zero. In fact, one of the guys in the house teased me about it and said I needed to have sex. I decided to have sex with him and asked some of our mutual friends if it was a good idea. One of them told me, “He fucks like a pornstar. Go for it and come back and gist me.”

    We all know men are cheap and so not long after, we had sex. The experience was a different thing entirely. I squirted for the first time. It was amazing. I’d had orgasms before but this was a discovery. He would talk to me during sex and ask me what I wanted him to do or try.

    Seems we all locked down differently.

    After a stint with this friend, I finally felt like I was in charge of my sexual journey. I went ahead to have sex with people I wanted and people that wanted to have sex with me. Some of these experiences were with women and some others with men.

    How would you say sex has been with this new crop of partners?

    Well, so far there have been five men and at some point, I started mentally grading them on different parts of sex. I made a list recently to show my friend the grades. I can show it to you.

    Yes, please.

    I remember asking a friend if she thought it was okay that I was comparing people based on their sexual abilities and she told me, “Nah, men do it too.”

    I wrote the list out to show her what I meant, and she said I wasn’t having enough sex.

    It’s so… detailed.

    Yeah, I just finished a project management course.

    Getting into the list, could you run me through some of these terms?

    Okay, here it goes:

    • Body play: Some partners don’t touch your body. They just see you as tits and ass, no kissing and touching your neck, thighs, arms, back, etc.
    • Cumming: Sometimes the way a person cums can make you cum, so this is important.
    • Safety: Can be anything from cutting their fingernails to whether or not they have condoms or if there are weird people in their house.
    • Positioning: Of all the styles, I really like doggy. Some partners just want to do missionary and be done with it or they put you in weird positions that hurt.
    • Reactions: It’s important that a partner is reacting well to the things being done to them. 

    A lot of the terms are self-explanatory though. Also, I never give an F. The worst is always an E, for effort.

    How would you rate your sex life now over 10?

    I’d rate it an 8/10. I’m having as much sex as I want when I want.