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The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old man battling a masturbation addiction. He talks about his journey from hating masturbation to doing it multiple times a day, discovering he had premature ejaculation and breaking his addiction.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was a child, I saw a lot of things I shouldn’t have seen on TV, a lot of 18+ sexual content. And I wanted to recreate those things I saw. There was a girl who lived close to my house, and one day, we snuck to the back of her house, kissed and touched each other. Luckily, we stood up just before some adults came to the back and could’ve caught us.
Did you like it?
Yes, I did. It was nice to replicate the things I saw on screen, like the kissing and breast grabbing. I liked it so much I continued doing it, although not as frequently as I’d like because, even though I was exploring my sexual desires, I was still a church boy who thought it was a sin.
But when I was 17, I had penetrative sex for the first time. However, it wasn’t a worthwhile experience. It didn’t last long, but I chalked it up to inexperience and anxiety. It wasn’t until we broke up and I tried foreplay with another girl I realised there might be a problem.
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What happened?
Well, she wasn’t interested in anything other than foreplay. She didn’t even let me touch her breasts because she said her biology teacher told her that touching breasts would make them fall, but I accepted anyway. So while we were making out, I realised I had cum. That was the beginning of a massive problem for me.
I realised I might suffer from premature ejaculation, so I started reading up on what it’s about. Then I stumbled on a section of the internet that said that a way to prevent premature ejaculation was to masturbate, and I decided to try it even though I was not too fond of masturbation.
Why did you hate masturbation?
I attended a boys’ only secondary school, and in school, there was this guy who was more experienced than the rest of us and never shut up about how many girls he had slept with or how much he was masturbating.
I tried it because he talked about it, but nothing made sense. I felt it was a waste of time because why are you touching your penis to two people having sex. Why not just have sex too? But because I had heard it helped with premature ejaculation, I decided to try it again. It felt so good when I was cumming. So good that I wanted to try it again and again till I became addicted to masturbation.
From hating to addiction. How did that happen?
Well, the feeling was good, and I wanted to replicate it. Plus, since I was very picky with the women I had sex with, it was a good alternative. It became something I turned to whenever I felt a kind of way emotionally. I’d masturbate when I felt sad, stayed on my phone too long, or was about to sleep at night. I also had the websites I went to watch porn.
At some point, when I was at the university, I had to pray and fast against it because it was already becoming irritating to me. I was still heavily involved in church at the time, and when the drama unit I was a part of told me to act as the Messiah, I couldn’t do it. I knew I was struggling with something, and I felt too unclean to do the role, but I eventually did.
I’m so sorry. Did it at least help with the premature ejaculation?
Unfortunately, it didn’t. The few times I had a chance to have sex with a woman, I was either cumming too early, or I was struggling to get hard. That’s how erectile dysfunction came in.
That’s why I don’t think I’ve ever had good sex. When I was 28, I had sex with this woman, and after about three to four strokes of penetration, I came. It’s embarrassing. I think there’s no lady I’ve had sex with that’ll want to try it again.
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How do you know that?
They never say anything after it happens. It’s like they feel some shame. I’d have loved a conversation, but I don’t think many women think it’s something to talk about.
So you’ve never had good sex?
The closest thing I’ve had regarding good sex was when I was 29. It was with a babe I had known for ten years. Before she came over, I had told her about the premature ejaculation issue, but she made me feel comfortable. When we eventually got down to it, I could penetrate and last a bit longer than usual.
Why’d you thought so?
Maybe because I told her about it beforehand or perhaps because I’ve known her longer? I don’t know. The whole thing stumped me because I have even tried all these herbs and fruit combos people always say helps with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, but they don’t work. That’s what led me to see a doctor.
How did that go?
Well, it’s actually two doctors I’m seeing. One said my problem could be as a result of anxiety while the other told me to start exercising and not do anything to stimulate me. Then, we’d see how it goes from there. I’ve been abstinent for two weeks and I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without masturbating.
What do you hope to gain from this process?
To finally enjoy sex and get totally free from this masturbation addiction.
Any regrets?
It might seem strange, but I don’t have any. I believe life is never a mistake and you just have to learn from the things that happen to you. It hurts that I got trapped by something I initially hate, but it’s all part of life. I believe that I’ve learnt a lesson that’ll be useful to some other people and maybe even my own children if I get to have them.
How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 0-10
LMAO. A -2
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. She talks about the various ways she’s tried to spice up her sex life and realising sex isn’t something she’ll ever enjoy.
What was your first sexual experience like?
When I was 16, I met this boy who’d just moved into the estate I lived in. We met on the road when he asked me for directions. He was a year older, and we attended the same church. I didn’t have a lot of friends my age, so from then on, I looked forward to the time we spent together.
One day, while his parents were out of town, he asked me to come over. I did, and we got to talking. We were watching this movie I had no interest in when he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed mainly because I was curious. I’d kissed a couple of people before, but he was different. I liked him. After we kissed, he asked if I wanted to take it further and have sex. I agreed. We went to his room; he used a condom and was very gentle. That’s how I had sex for the first time.
What was it like?
I’ve heard stories of how it’s supposed to be painful, and how much blood is usually involved, but it wasn’t like that. There was a slight pinch and no blood.
I also didn’t know what to do, so I lay there while he did everything. It didn’t last long, and I won’t describe it as an enjoyable experience. It was just something I did. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I didn’t know why I didn’t enjoy it.
So after the first time, did it become a regular thing?
Like a month later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him, so I was excited. Since we lived in the same estate, it was a lot easier to hang out. We’d take walks together, and when our parents weren’t around, we’d invite the other over. It usually ended with sex.
I noticed nothing changed for me the more we had sex. Sure, I knew a few more things to do, but I wasn’t enjoying it. I just kept having it because he liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. We broke up a few months after because of school. We knew we liked each other, but not enough to deal with going to different universities and its problems.
So what did you do about not liking sex?
Initially? Nothing. Then I got to university, and everyone was talking about how great sex is, so I decided maybe I wasn’t having sex the right way. My ex was soft and gentle, and I thought that was the problem. When I met another guy I liked, and we wanted to have sex, I told him to be rougher. He spanked me and did a lot of stunts, but I wasn’t enjoying myself. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me?
It became a routine. I’d meet a cute guy, get to talking, and when we’re having sex, I’m just there, riding dick, getting eaten out because that’s supposed to make me cum. And yes, there are a few orgasms here and there, but no pleasure. Just me feeling tired and hungry afterwards.
For how long did this go on?
At least, six years. It was frustrating because I’d like these men, form romantic connections with them; we’d flirt, I’d get flustered, wet, turned on, but then the sex was always flat. My body is reacting the way it does to stimulus and whatnot, but as a person, I feel “there”.
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Why did the routine stop?
Well, I did something incredibly ridiculous. At least, in my opinion. I agreed to have a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend. I’d never been attracted to women like that, but a part of me kept thinking maybe the reason I wasn’t enjoying sex was I had it with the wrong people.
But I was too chicken to actually test the theory. I’ve never been someone to ask people out. Plus, with the way I was going about my routine, I don’t think any queer woman interested in me would think I was queer too.
Anyways, when she asked, I was kind of excited. Her boyfriend wasn’t the finest man in the world, but she described sex with him as if he was the best fucker on Earth. So I thought if sex with her didn’t work, maybe he’d be the one to actually make me like sex.
And?
I realised I was a heterosexual woman and threesomes might even be worse than sex with one person.
LMAO. What happened?
Well, in the “threesome”, I wasn’t actually allowed to touch the man. Neither was he allowed to touch me. My heterosexual friend and I were to kiss and touch each other while he watched. I didn’t enjoy being watched like that. It kinda creeped me out, but I stuck to it because I’m not a quitter. Very bland experience in my opinion. I would never attempt a threesome again.
But it did make me ask myself a few questions. Why was I so desperate to like sex? Like, there are other activities or things I don’t like, but I wasn’t going out of my way, trying to force myself to like them. Why was sex different?
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Well, why was sex different?
It’s not a regular occurrence for people to not like sex. Everyone who’s having it speaks about it with such high praise, it makes you feel like if you’re not enjoying it, there’s a problem. Like you’re broken.
Before, I thought maybe I hadn’t found the kind of sex I liked, but I spent six years searching. I was fucking people because I wanted to see if something would click and sex would become enjoyable for me, but it never happened.
I’d spent time and resources trying to figure out why I didn’t enjoy sex, which made no sense because I also didn’t enjoy pounded yam, but I wasn’t trying to figure out why. I took it as a part of life and kept it going. That’s when I realised, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s okay to not enjoy sex.
Does that mean you never had sex again?
No, not that. I still have sex. I even had sex a few days ago. It’s just I’ve stopped beating myself up because I didn’t like it. The sex was nice. I had an orgasm and so did the person I had sex with, but that’s where it ends. Nice.
Not enjoying sex doesn’t mean I don’t feel sexual attraction. I do. I get horny and all of that, but for me, sex is a means to an end. I scratch my itch and that’s it. Remember how I said I don’t like pounded yam? Having sex is like eating pounded yam when I’m hungry. My body needs food and pounded yam is food. I finish my plate and might even ask for more. It’s not because I like it, but because my body needs it.
We’ll come back to not liking pounded yam later. How would you describe your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d say a 5. It’s just there. I’m having sex when I want to, but I’m not going out of my way to.
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It can be confusing to know what your partner likes when it comes to sex, especially when they’re not very communicative. Have you ever wondered whether your partner secretly likes spanking? Take this quiz and find out.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual woman who loves having sex with women. She talks to us about coming out as a lesbian, discovering her bisexuality and not feeling bisexual enough because she doesn’t sleep with men.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was 18, I had sex with my best friend. The two of us had pooled money together to get a hotel room and just rest. We wanted to feel expensive and not have to deal with the problem that is our roommates.
We talked about everything there was to talk about. I told her I’d never kissed anyone before because I didn’t count the two times I kissed boys in primary school. She decided then and there that she’d kiss me and get it over with so I’d know what a real kiss felt like.
Safe to say, we did more than kiss. It was a perfect kiss, in my opinion, and I’m happy it was my first. I think we both realised we liked it a bit more than we’d initially planned. So we kissed again and again, and eventually, moved on to more than just kissing.
How did you feel after?
Even though it was our first time having sex with a woman, what we lacked in experience, we made up for with communication and trust. She had a bit more experience in general, but I didn’t.
I wasn’t an absolute idiot though. I knew what sex was, and at the time, I wasn’t having it because a couple of years prior, I said I’d wait till marriage for purely religious reasons. As I grew older and became less religious, I didn’t have sex because I didn’t get around to it. Men weren’t cutting it for me, and I was too busy and unbothered to consider other options.
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Busy doing what?
Life. There was trying to get into university and dealing with the stress from my parents about being an excellent example to my siblings. Love, romance, sexuality, and all the other things that came with it, were put to the side. When I got into the university, I didn’t find anyone interesting enough to sleep with.
So what happened after sex with your best friend?
Well, we tried to talk about it. Not immediately after because we both passed out and slept, but the next day. We wanted to understand what that meant for our friendship. Was this going to be a regular thing? And was it purely sexual? We decided that we’d continue being best friends and if we chose to sleep with each other, sure.
Nobody batted an eye when they saw us being affectionate because we were already best friends and super close. I’d sleep on her bed, kiss her on her cheek in public and hold hands. We cooked for each other and studied together. It was pretty dope. We also had sex a lot.
After the first time, it’s like the part of my brain that had locked out the possibility was removed. I just wanted to fuck. We’d be sneaking quickies while reading in classes at night or when someone’s roommate wasn’t around. I liked sex a lot and had what I feel is an average amount of it. We were having sex at least three to four times a week.
Unfortunately, she wanted a romantic relationship, and I wasn’t about that life. I enjoyed being her friend who had sex with her, and I felt we would have been terrible girlfriends. She stopped hanging around me as much, and we stopped having as much sex.
From nothing to something to nothing again. How did you feel?
Horny, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I masturbated a bit, but it wasn’t the same. I’ve always believed that having sex with someone else is just so much better than having to do it all by yourself. It adds extra vim. So, safe to say, I wasn’t enjoying myself sexually.
That was until a babe a year above me in my department walked up to me in school. She told me that she noticed my best friend and I’d stopped talking, and does that mean we broke up? I told her we never dated, but she said we acted like a couple. Then, she asked if I was a lesbian.
Since I first had sex with my best friend, I’d never considered myself anything. Labelling my sexuality was not something I thought of. Plus, nobody ever asked me. The rest of the world assumed I was heterosexual and save for my best friend, I wasn’t really doing anything with anyone. That’s why I told her I didn’t know. She said if I liked girls, then I should call her. She gave me her phone number and left.
Lmao, she was interested?
Yes. Apparently, she’d been seeing me around school and thought I was cute but didn’t make a move because I was always with my best friend. We started hanging out and she introduced me to my first queer community. It was during one of such hangouts I decided to finally label myself.
A bisexual man brought his new boyfriend to introduce to us and while people were introducing themselves by their names and sexualities, I just told him I was a lesbian. It felt right. I was attracted to women, I had sex and was having sex with women, and I had feelings for women. I was a lesbian.
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How did that feel?
Great, actually. At least I stopped telling people “I don’t know” when they asked me what sexuality I was. I was already doing lesbian behaviour, might as well just give myself the title.
Everyone in the group celebrated my finally figuring it out. My girlfriend — the babe who walked up to me — and I had celebration sex that night. I lived in her house more than I actually stayed in my hostel. So, I was having as much sex as I wanted when I wanted.
I realised that it was a relaxant for me. Whenever I had sex, my body just felt like butter and I slept very peacefully or was able to concentrate on whatever tasks I had left. Extremely sexual behaviour means I’m in my best place mentally and physically.
A couple of months after being together, she graduated from school. We both didn’t have the energy for a long-distance relationship, so we let it rest, and ended on good terms.
Then what?
A month after the breakup, I started sleeping with someone. Then three months after, I had two steady sexual partners. My sex life was pretty average for a 21-year-old, but I was content. Slept with the same two people because it was convenient and they were attractive. Plus, over time we’d gotten used to how our bodies worked.
But because the world sometimes hates me, my universe was rocked when I met a man. I never found myself attracted to men, but he was something special. He was taller than me and had such a pretty smile. He was a corper doing his service year in the university. We both needed to see one of my lecturers for something. So while we waited outside the lecturer’s office, we talked and exchanged numbers.
We texted every single day and would talk about the most random things. We had a lot in common so we’d talk about the music we listened to. He’d gist me about how serving was trying to take his life.
This continued for about a month, and then, it was final exams and thesis time. He’d get me food while I studied because I forgot to eat. After my exams, he took me out to celebrate. We went to a nice place and I had such a fun time. I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me, but I didn’t hate the kiss. It just felt different. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I agreed. I had never had sex with a man before, and I had never considered it, but there I was following him back to his house and having sex with him. I was supposed to be a lesbian.
Did you enjoy the sex?
It was okay. I’d had better, but it wasn’t completely bad. It didn’t last as long as I was used to, so that was a shock for me. In like an hour, we were done. That included kissing and foreplay. I want to think it also wasn’t the best experience for him because I didn’t know what I was doing. In theory, a gay man had taught me how to give a blowjob, but I had never actually done it before.
After the night, I went back to my place. He kept trying to reach me, but I needed to think. Was I someone who slept with men? It wasn’t the best experience but I didn’t hate it. Plus, I was turned on and thought he was attractive. I was having a crisis.
What did you do?
What any sane and normal human would do, have sex with more men. I wanted to see if it was just him.
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Was it?
It was. When it comes to sex, different people make different experiences. The overall experience might be lacking, but they might make up for it in specific ways. Some men I met were experimental. They wanted to try new things. Some were really fun to give blowjobs to because they moaned in ways I liked.
However, there were some hiccups. We might be doing missionary and I’d reach to their chest thinking they had breasts, and when I feel a hard chest, I’d open my eyes and remember I was having sex with a man. I’ve also tried to spank them and bend them over. I think it was a culture shock. Having sex with men took a while to get used to, and after having sex with four of them, I decided that wasn’t a life I wanted to live.
I even dated a man when I was 22 and it was a beautiful three months relationship until I found out he was cheating on me. I experienced the motions of what it’s like to be with men and I didn’t hate it. I just don’t think it’s something I want to do.
I am bisexual because I’m attracted to women and anyone else. Plus, I enjoy having sex in general. It’s just that I have a preference for women. I want to sleep with them, date them and maybe eventually marry one. And that really fucks up with how I perceive myself as a bisexual woman.
When a lot of people hear about bisexual people, they assume a lot of things. One of those things is that being bisexual means you’re supposed to have the same level of attraction to whatever genders you’re attracted to, but I don’t. I haven’t had sex with a man since I was 22, and I don’t think I’d do it anytime soon. But what if one day I see a man I like and his own fear is that I’d leave him for a woman because I don’t like men as much?
It’s been years of battling this thought process, and homophobia doesn’t make it easier, but we move. I’m back to cutting men off of the list of people I sleep with. I’m still a bisexual woman even though a lot of days, I feel less than.
I hope you finally stop feeling less than
Thank you. I mean, I’m not having sex with men to prove my bisexuality. If anyone doesn’t believe me, they can kiss my ass. Sexuality is not one-dimensional. There are a lot of ways it can be presented and that’s okay. I can have sex with a man, enjoy it, and orgasm from it. I can also marry one and start a family. I’d just rather not.
So, how’d you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
If we refuse to count that period in my life when I was trying to figure out my bisexuality, 8. I was and I am having really nice sex with women. I love it here. If we decide to add the men part? 5. I don’t want to feel like I need to walk down that path again.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old lesbian who describes herself as a pleaser. She talks to us about discovering her sexuality, sleeping with many women to make up for what she’s missed, how kissing has never felt right and learning she has better sex when she’s not being touched.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was 14 years old when I kissed a boy for the first time. He attended my church, and during the children’s vigil, we snuck into the bathroom and kissed. I didn’t know what to expect, but the kiss felt wet. It wasn’t magical or special. It just felt like someone’s mouth touched my own. On the other hand, he was smiling from ear to ear. I went along with it, but everything about it felt so wrong.
I thought it was because I didn’t know how kissing worked, so I kept kissing different boys. Every single time, I was met with disappointment. I knew it couldn’t have been them. There’s no single way every boy I kissed from when I was 14 till when I was 19 was terrible. I knew it was a me thing. I just didn’t know how.
What happened at 19?
That’s when I switched it up and kissed a woman for the first time. That day, I had gone out with a guy and had another disappointing kiss, so I was complaining to my roommate. I told her how this is something that’s been happening since I was 14 and that maybe I just couldn’t kiss right. She told me that maybe I needed to learn how to kiss properly. Then, she offered to teach me. I agreed and she kissed me.
The thing with kissing her is it, sure, it was a mouth touching mine and it was still wet, but the kiss felt different. I always knew my roommate was attractive; kissing her made me very aware of just how attractive she was.
When she pulled away, she told me I was probably overthinking it because I’m an amazing kisser. I’d like to think that kiss was what began my descent into discovering I was a lesbian. It’s just that it was a slow process.
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Why was it a slow process?
Well, lesbianism isn’t something a lot of people talk about. I hear more about being a gay man than being a lesbian. Whenever women act in anaffectionate way towards each other, it’s always written off as women being women. But if a man so much as smiles at another man, the word “gay” is thrown around a lot. It’s not like I didn’t know lesbianism existed. It’s just that when I was considering my options, it didn’t come to mind. Add the fact that I dress very feminine, nobody was moving to me or throwing the L word around me. Very distressing times.
That’s why I didn’t try to kiss a woman again until two years after I kissed the first one. And just like the first time, it was a friend who wanted to help me out. After I narrated my problem to a friend of mine, she told me maybe I was going about it all wrong and promised to introduce me to someone who might help. Turns out the someone was a woman she knew. I was confused at first, but my friend explained that maybe I was just kissing the wrong gender. I remembered the kiss my former roommate and I shared and decided to see this through. The woman and I talked a lot that night. When she asked me to come back to her place, I agreed without a second thought. I had sex that night for the first time, and I am so glad I didn’t do it with a man.
How was it?
Well, I didn’t know anything I was doing because I had never gone past kissing men and giving them handjobs. But she was so patient with me, kind too. She asked me questions throughout. When there was blood and I panicked a bit, she just removed the sheets and gave me a bath. It was the softest experience I had ever had. I enjoyed every minute of it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t want to leave her house.
Before, I thought I was a prude who wouldn’t enjoy sex, but something woke up in me that day. I was unstoppable. I wanted her to teach me everything she knew and she was more than happy to indulge me. I think she found my curiosity sexy. When I was leaving her house after living there for a couple of days, I made a promise to myself that I’d never go back to doing anything sexual with men. That was also the day I called myself a lesbian for the first time.
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Wow. Were you able to keep your promise?
Yes! The only problem was there was a bit of involuntary celibacy on my part. It was difficult to find women to talk to without putting yourself in danger. The woman I had sex with for the first time left Nigeria soon after. Turns out she only visited occasionally, and I was back in square one.
So, I started befriending the extremely “masculine” women who people actually threw the L word at. I was determined to fix my involuntary celibacy.
Did you?
Tough times never last, only tough people do! And I am a tough babe. I knew I had a lot to learn and by befriending these women, I learnt it and found community at the same time. With every new woman I slept with, it felt like I discovered something new about myself. At 23, I learnt I loved performing oral sex. That same year, I let someone use a strap-on with me for the first time, and I used one with someone else too.
I think after discovering I was a lesbian, I tried to fit everything I had missed into a couple of years of sleeping with different women. Once a partner wanted to try something, I was down with it. But after two years of sleeping with everyone and their mums, I found something I liked and stuck to it.
Tell me about it
I linked up with a woman all my friends told me not to because she was a “pillow princess”. Apparently, she did none of the work and just wanted to be fucked until she couldn’t walk. I was curious. I had never actually met one of those before. I wanted to see what it was like.
When we linked up, she refused to touch me. I felt like I had to earn her approval and it was very sexy. Every single time she had an orgasm, I got more turned on, and I didn’t stop until she couldn’t move. When she finally kissed me and touched my breasts, I had my only orgasm of the day. But it didn’t feel like it was just one because it was so strong I had to take a breather.
When she got into a relationship, I started looking for women who could reciprocate that exact feeling with me, Before we’d have sex, I’d tell them not to touch me until they felt I had earned it. I found myself gravitating towards “pillow princesses”. A lot of them think I’m bluffing because they’re not used to feminine women who enjoy pleasing, but it makes it even more fun for me.
It’s not like I don’t like being touched. I’d just rather not be. Knowing my partner’s having a great time is really all I need. If they tell me I didn’t earn their touch, I would go home and masturbated.
Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10
9. I wish I had figured it all out earlier. But now, I’ve done all my exploring and my girlfriend and I are having really great sex. She understands my need to not be touched, and it works perfectly for her.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who didn’t have sex until her wedding night. She talks about how her relationship with God was why she waited till marriage, and how she married, to have sex.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was 12, I had this neighbour who was a year older than me. We grew up together, so I used to go to his house daily. On one of such days, he played a CD that turned out to be porn. We watched for a bit, and then started making out. It happened three to four times over the span of a couple of months.
Did it ever progress past kissing?
It never did.
Why?
I’m a very religious Christian and waiting till marriage is my service to God. I wasn’t saving myself for a man; I was just doing what God wanted me to do.
In fact, in my university, people were taking a “covenant of purity”, but I didn’t because I thought it was unnecessary. Most of the people who were taking the covenant weren’t even serious about it. After they took the covenant, you could see them getting hot and heavy in corners. For me, waiting till marriage was about honouring God, and I knew I didn’t need a covenant to do that. I waited for the right time, but it wasn’t easy.
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Tell me about it
I tried to date only Christians, but I realised not every Christian was interested in saving themselves till marriage. When I dated those men and made out with them, I felt a little guilty, but the guilt was never overwhelming.
My relationship with God is a very loving one, so I spoke to Him a lot about the temptations I felt. I reminded myself of Christ’s work for me and how the life I live actually belongs to Him. I learnt about Jesus from the point of a Father, not just as a Lord and Master, even though He is.
So, did you stick to it?
Yes, I did! The first time I had sex was on my wedding night at 27. It almost didn’t even happen because we were both exhausted. Before then, many of my friends who had already gotten married shared stories about their wedding night with me. Some said they couldn’t have sex until months after, and I said it would not be me. I refuse!
But the wedding day came, and there was so much going on, we were so exhausted. It was so bad that we couldn’t even stay more than 30 minutes at the after-party our friends organised for us. When we got to the hotel, we just had our baths and dozed off. That’s when one strange breeze blew, and we were awake. Next thing, we were having sex.
Just like that? What was the sex like?
The sex was amazing. It was a bit painful because it was my first time, but he was gentle and soft. It made the experience incredibly intimate. He asked questions and I guided him on what worked and what didn’t.
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Was waiting with him easy?
Of course not. There was even a time I had to stop going to his house for three months because the temptation was choking us. Looking at each other and spending a lot of time together was making it harder.
However, it wasn’t as bad because we wanted the same things. Unlike me, he wasn’t a virgin, but he was celibate in his last relationship and wanted to wait with me in this one. We checked each other and knew when not to go too far and when not to be alone.
I like to joke that we got married so we could have sex. We were everything without the need for marriage. He was my companion and soulmate. The only thing missing was sex. That’s why after a year and ten months, we dragged ourselves to the altar.
Love it. How’s the sex now?
I’m having so many orgasms. There’s something so special about having sex with someone you love, someone who always wants you to be satisfied. It’s magic.
Do you ever wish you didn’t wait?
Not at all! I’m a very emotional person, and sex can be very vulnerable. I wouldn’t want to share that part of myself with just anyone.
So, on a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your Sex Life?
One million. I’m having the time of my life. I’ve been having sex with the same person for four years, but it feels like magic each time. I love it.
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The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old woman who loves giving blowjobs. She talks about her curiosity about what made men tick, not enjoying sex because she couldn’t tell them what made her tick, finding her voice and how it helped her prioritise her sexual health.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was 18, and it was with a secondary school crush of mine. I went over to his house to chill, we started making out, I don’t know what initiated it, but I do know I wanted to give him a blowjob. I had never given one before. All I knew about it, I learned from porn. But that didn’t stop me from trying. He kept complimenting me on how good it was and for not using teeth. He also returned the favour by giving me head; a win-win situation. The only downside was having a sore throat days later.
Penetrative sex happened a whole year later. I was in university at this time and in a relationship. It was easily the most disappointing experience of my entire life. I didn’t have high expectations of my first time, but I could still tell it could be better. At a point, I started asking myself if this was the sex everyone kept hyping up. I was thoroughly frustrated.
Why do you think it was so bad?
He was obsessed with porn, and it showed in the way he had sex. Everything was theatrical, and he wasn’t invested in things I liked. His only redeeming quality was his fingers. He was good with those, but he never fingered me long enough to make me cum because he didn’t care enough about my pleasure. After a couple of months, the relationship ended, and I continued looking for good sex.
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How did that journey go?
I ended up with partner number two, who I was head over heels in love with. Sex with him was better because it was different. Unlike the man before him who kept trying to perform, he was gentler. I tried to communicate the things I liked with him because I wanted to enjoy sex. He’d listen but never actually do anything about it. Eventually, he told me he had decided to revive his faith in God, and as such, we couldn’t have sex again.
I went on to partner number 3, still at the age of 19, but something stuck with me. I found it almost impossible to tell any other partner what I liked during sex. Opening up to the last one about what I liked, and not having it implemented, made me not want to repeat it. I wasn’t talking to my partners about anything sex-related. I assumed that the same way society spoke about how much a woman should be able to please a man in bed, men were also expected to please their women. I was wrong, and I have the terrible sexual experiences to prove it.
If the sex was so bad, why keep having it?
Because I knew it could be better, and I was inquisitive. My parents never let me leave the house, so university was my one chance to act my age and explore everything I wanted to know.
My curiosity, combined with my inability to speak up about what I liked during sex, led me into situations I shouldn’t have been in.
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Explain, please
I’ve been curious about what makes men tick and what doesn’t, so I replicated many things I saw on the internet. Blowjobs seemed to be that thing. It also helped that I love the taste and feel of a dick in my mouth; like having a lollipop in my mouth. So, whenever I had sex with a man, a blowjob would come out of it. The only problem is that not all dicks should be in your mouth.
There’s this thing I like to call “dirty dick smell”. It’s this odour that hits you when a dick is dirty. It’s very common when the penis has been cooking for a while. It’s just a mixture of sweat and dick and is very unappealing.
The intelligent thing to do when you smell a dick like that is to ask them to take a shower or just outrightly refuse to blow them, but I didn’t want to humiliate them, so I’d put it in my mouth either way. The result? Days and days of battling an extremely sore throat.
That’s something that particularly annoyed me about sex with men who never put in any effort. Because when it came to sex, I was researching how to arch correctly, trying to eliminate my gag reflex, being called the throat goat and giving sloppy top, but I couldn’t even get one orgasm out of it — risking my physical health for loads of mediocre sex. Sometimes, I wanted to bite down on the dick while it was in my mouth.
Did the blowjobs stop?
No. I enjoyed the power trip that came with giving blowjobs. It was a turn-on for me; I just had to make it more sanitary. When I eventually gathered the balls, I started asking men to take a shower before we had sex. Sometimes, they’d act embarrassed, but my health was more important. It was either that or nothing.
Finding my voice also stopped the sufferhead Olympics I engaged in regarding sex. Men would tell me they never had orgasms from oral sex, and I’d get on my knees because I felt like I had something to prove. No more. If you can’t get an orgasm through a blowjob, good luck to you and yours.
I’m ashamed it was not something I started doing earlier, but I had finally had enough. Better late than never, right?
Yeah, definitely. How did that go?
I met someone. He’s my current boyfriend, and I almost ruined what we had because I never spoke up. After a while of having sex with men who never cared about my orgasm, it built resentment, and I carried that into our new relationship. I’m glad he is patient enough to help me figure it out.
He asks me questions and is very intentional with foreplay and aftercare. Unlike my previous partners, he’s very open to having conversations with me about sex.
How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d give it a 7. I’m finally enjoying sex, but the sex is not as frequent as I’d like because it’s a long-distance relationship.
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The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who masturbated for the first time when he was 22. He talks about the transition from saving himself for marriage to just enjoying sex, and why he never considered masturbation till he started having sex.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was 15 years old when I kissed someone for the first time. She was the second girlfriend I had ever had, and on my way to her house, I googled how to make out. I was very nervous and didn’t want to mess up. There were some very detailed explanations on the internet, but I eventually realised that nobody is really good at stuff like that from the beginning. You have to ease into it.
As time went on, I graduated from kissing to dry humping, and it became a defining part of my teenage years.
Why dry humping?
At a certain point in my life, I was very religious. I believed sex wasn’t something you had with someone you weren’t married to. A lot of the people I knew felt the same way but tried anal sex instead. I wasn’t too comfortable with that. With dry humping, you get some sort of action without actually having sex. It was a middle ground.
So, you dry humped your way into having sex?
Not really. I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 20. Like I said, I spent the majority of my teenage years dry humping, but I was about to graduate from university, and I didn’t want to graduate without having sex for the first time.
That year, I met a woman who was four years older than me, and she was intrigued that I was 20 and had never had sex . She said she was going to introduce me to her friends and try to set me up, but I told her she was the one I wanted, and that’s how it happened.
RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive
I thought you wanted to wait till you were married. What changed?
I was born into a religious home, so most of the zeal of my youth was channeled into being the best religious version of myself. Churches, and other people in my religious circle, always made waiting till marriage a big deal, so it was something I held on to.
Then puberty happened, and I started making negotiations with God. Sure, I wanted to wait, but my body had other plans. That’s where dry humping came in. There was so much guilt the first few times I did it, but as time went on and I kept at it, the guilt reduced. I took the same approach with sex.
I had grown into a person who approached life differently, and I wanted to know why I shouldn’t do the things they told me not to do. When I started having sex, it was fun. The person I was having sex with was also having fun, so why would I feel bad about it?
When I asked these questions, the responses always came from addressing sex as taboo and a thing of disgust. Sexually transferred demons was not a valid argument, and I didn’t vibe with that. It was a gradual process of having conversations with myself until, eventually, I got over it.
I tried to suppress how my body felt until I just stopped. There was no defining moment, no big “aha”. Just questions and thoughts.
Well, how was your first time?
It was a very good first time. I was really careful because I was taking my time and didn’t want to mess up. There was a point where I got really terrified. She was on top and kind of clamped on my penis. It felt great, and I was about to cum, but she said I shouldn’t. I thought I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do, and I got scared. Later, she told me it was because I was enjoying herself, and she wanted it to last longer.
I love that she knew what she was doing, and she also gave me a few pointers. It was interesting.
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So, how did the sex journey continue?
Well, I was having sex with different women and learning things, but the strangest thing was that I didn’t start masturbating until after I had started having sex. For a lot of people, masturbation is their introduction to sex. It was just different for me.
While the message around sex was that it’s something you shouldn’t do until you were married, masturbation was something you shouldn’t do at all. Maybe that’s why it didn’t cross my mind until a woman I was talking to mentioned it.
We were having a random conversation, and I mentioned that I had never actually masturbated. She found it funny that a 22-year-old man who had been having sex with other people had actually never masturbated. Then I decided to just try it.
How would you describe your relationship with sex now?
Conversations around sex have changed for me, starting from the language I use. I grew up hearing people say things like, “I don knack that babe” and whatnot. These wordings give sex a wrong image and makes it seem taboo. Sex is something both people should enjoy, and if one person is not enjoying it, then there’s a problem.
I don’t believe in attaching negative things to sex. It doesn’t make sense to me, and if more Nigerians weren’t so closed off about sex, if we all just had enjoyable sex, we would be happier people.
What would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
7. It’s not like I’m having a ton of sex right now, but I’m spending a lot of time in my own space. I like it.
READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who just wants to have penetrative sex. She talks about her painful experiences, the “solutions” she’s tried that didn’t work, and how she craves painless penetrative sex.
Tell me about your most memorable sexual experience
The first time I tried penetrative sex was when I was 21. It hurt, and I told him to stop. He said sex with me was like trying to put a wrong key in a padlock.
Three years later, I decided to try again with my friend with benefits at the time. We got a hotel room, and when he tried penetration, I was in a world of pain. It hurt so much, and the blood that followed? It didn’t seem normal.
We ended up just kissing and cuddling. I couldn’t go through that amount of pain again.
I’m sorry. So, no more penetrative sex for you?
Well, I tried one more time. It was with the same guy, in a different hotel a few months later. He kept telling me the pain was in my head, but I knew it wasn’t. When he tried and the tip got in, I thought I’d collapse from how much pain I was in.
I told him to remove it immediately, and I made a promise to myself to not try penetrative sex again until I’d figured out a solution to what was wrong with me.
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What was finding a solution like?
Well, I haven’t exactly found one, but that’s because I haven’t taken it seriously. I’ve been extremely busy. Plus, it’s not like I’m orgasm starved. I get plenty from oral sex and masturbation.
Those don’t hurt?
They really don’t. I started masturbating when I was 21 years old, and I was only able to because my mental block had left. I used to be very religious, and that meant no form of sexual activity for me. As time went on and I grew less religious, I allowed myself to masturbate one day. It felt great. I tried to insert fingers, but it felt extremely uncomfortable, so I just stuck with the clitoris.
I can give myself steady orgasms, and if I don’t feel like doing it myself, I meet up with my friend with benefits for oral sex. I’m not starved of orgasms.
Then why did you want to try penetrative sex?
Because I want to experience it. I want to know what it’s like to be penetrated and actually enjoy it. Plus, I can’t masturbate for the rest of my life, and I feel it’s unfair to just expect to get oral sex and not give anything in return.
I don’t like giving blowjobs. Semen tastes salty and the act of sucking dick doesn’t turn me on. I don’t want to be the one getting all the pleasure while the guy gets nothing. It’s not fair.
So back to finding a solution. What’s going on?
I’ve tried a bunch of things. In early 2021, I started doing a lot of research. Whenever I typed in my symptoms, I’d always get vaginismus as a result. So, I started searching for solutions to vaginismus. The first one I tried was a dilator.
Dilators are these sex toys that look like dildos but have one fat end and a slim end on the other side. They come in different sizes, and you’re supposed to try each size to get your vagina used to a penis. The one I got had five different sizes. Using the two smallest was okay, but when I tried the third? Problem. I tried to shove it in, but it’ll end up sliding back out. So, I gave up on it.
Then I watched a show that talked about painful penetration. They shared breathing techniques you can use to help you take in the dilator. After learning the techniques, I tried again, but I could never make it past the second size. The third size brought too much pain so I’d stop.
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That sounds stressful. Did you try anything else? Lube?
I have tried so many different variations of lubricants, but it doesn’t work because my vagina muscles are too tight.
Late 2021, I was scrolling through instagram when I saw another woman talking about vaginismus. I reached out to her, and she gave me the number of a pelvic floor therapist who can help. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to see the doctor.
There’s so much going on in my life right now, and I have so many expenses because I plan on traveling, so a pelvic floor therapist isn’t really the top of my list.
What about a gynecologist?
I’m currently seeing a gynecologist for PCOS-related issues, but I’ve been unable to bring my possible vaginismus up because the last time I went to see a doctor when I was 21, he kept asking me stupid questions that weren’t helpful. He was more interested in how my boyfriend felt about the experience than me. So, I’m just waiting till I can see the pelvic floor therapist.
When might that happen?
Hopefully, before this year ends. I might finally get a solution to this problem and maybe start enjoying penetrative sex.
How will you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?
1. Sure, I’m getting orgasms by myself, but there’s nothing like having someone hold, touch and kiss you in places you can’t do yourself. I’d like to be able to have penetrative orgasms with someone. Until then? We move.
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