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  • We’ve all been there. That moment when you show interest in someone and they either say “No thanks. God bless” or “I’m on a journey of self-discovery”. Those moments feel like a stab to the heart. To my brothers going through the struggle, we see you. Here are 5 ways to handle rejection in 2021. 

    Become a rapper and drop a diss track (or album) 

    All your favorite rappers have that one song written to remind their secondary school girlfriends that they’re successful now, while the girl is out there probably married to a loser. Does it matter that LOYL has happily moved on with a successful tech bro? No! Does it matter that you can’t rap for shit? No! The only thing that matters here is how you feel. So  book that studio session today. Watimagbo!

    Fake enjoyment on social media

    The best way to get back at someone who rejected you is to show them that you don’t care. As a matter of fact, show them you’re living your best life. Whether that life is real or not doesn’t matter. So, borrow one of your female friends and do “My view, her view.” Crash a neighbor’s game night and post pictures from it on your IG stories. Download holiday videos from TikTok, and pass them off as yours (Nobody’s going to know) And as the cherry on top of this sundae of lies, spend all your savings on a new car. There’s no way she won’t be jealous after all this.

    Sew a thread on Twitter

    If you’re not a writer with a good sense of humor, this might flop harder than the Nneka the Pretty Serpent remake. We advise you to hire a good writer to make a long ass thread about how people don’t understand your potential in life. Bonus points if you cite a couple of brothers who went from grass to grace, like Olamide and Jay-Jay Okocha. You will look pathetic, but it’s all part of the process.

    Work hard so you can buy her father’s house

    What better way to get revenge on the person that broke your heart than buying their family home? It’s time for you to  develop the next FinTech app and make enough money to become her father’s landlord. She’ll probably look back at the time she rejected you and scream “Had I known!”

    Just Cry

    Now that you have failed at all the other things on this list, it’s time to play Enya and just have a good, ugly cry. We get it. Life is hard. But stay strong, bro. One day, someone will accept your offer of love.

  • Worried that your enemies will turn you into a laughing stock because of how broke you are? Do these 5 things and no one will ever guess that it’s 2,000 Naira you have left in your bank account.

    1. Rub groundnut oil on your face

    Groundnut oil will make you glow. Even if hunger is showing you pepper, you must not let it reflect on your face. That’s the fastest way enemies will know you are broke.

    2. Wear clothes with money related inscriptions

    “I am a millionaire” or “30 BG” will do the trick.

    3. Always play loud music in your house

    That way, if your enemies live nearby, they won’t hear you breaking a coconut to drink garri.

    4. Decorate your house with empty packaging boxes

    Make sure it’s packaging from top brands. At least, if your enemies disguise themselves as friends and pay you a visit, they’ll know that you’re not their mate. It’s a condition that made crayfish bend.

    5. Reactive your old MTN SIM card

    When you reactivate your old MTN SIM card, you get a whopping 12x amount on recharges above N50! You can use it to call for hours and let people think you’re so rich that airtime is the least of your problems.

  • When it’s past the middle of the month and you can’t wait to receive your salary, there are about 5 stages you will pass through. May your enemies not see you in number 5 because it will choke.

    1. Optimism

    This is when the sapa hasn’t held your throat yet. Shebi they said tough times never last.

    2. Sadness

    Who did you offend? As if you’re not broke enough, body cream and bath soap will just finish. Just wipe your tears ehn, don’t let your enemies rejoice.

    3. Worry

    Bills will just keep appearing from all corners. Worse thing about it is they do not listen to “wait till month end”. Egbami.

    4. Caution

    At this point, you stop worrying about cashflow and think of how to save some coins. Thankfully, with the Dominos Pizza online Buy One Get One Free deal, you get to do just that. Order here before the deal expires.

    5. Frustration

    At this stage, only credit alert can save you, because responsibilities choke.

  • There is, I have-just-100k-in-my-account broke, and then there’s the full-blown Sapadenmic situation. For the latter, you’re bound to find these 8 types of people.

    1. The motivational speakers

    Set awon “tough times never last but tough people do.” It doesn’t hurt to be optimistic in a Sapadenmic sha.

    2. The sad ones

    These ones can just burst into tears while washing the plate they used to drink Garri. If you see them, just press urgent 2k into their hands.

    3. The angry ones

    Their body peppers them once there’s no money. In fact, everybody should getat. *bangs door*

    4. The budgeter

    These ones can write lists and scale of preference for Africa before getting the money, but end up spending impulsively. Within three hours, fiam! they’ve blown 200k. Coconut head.

    5. The extra nice ones

    Motto: you never know who’s your destiny helper. Let that money enter their hand first, you will see shege.

    6. The singers

    It’s only when these people are broke that they remember their worship playlist. Google, play “Then Sings My Soul“, maybe money will fall from Heaven.

    7. The Ultimate Searchers

    They search every nook and cranny of the house, clothe pockets, bags and even wastebin for money they did not keep a.k.a miracle money. Guilder Ultimate Search no do pass this one.

    8. The nonchalant ones

    To them, problem no dey finish, so why not use the last 1k to eat away your sorrow?