How is 2020 looking for you, my fellow outside people? It’s day seven of January, and we still have about 100 more days to go. So while you hold on to the memories of Detty December in your current state of SAPA, I advise you to cut out these expenses this year.
1. Stop buying food
You can just disguise and join the fitfam people this month to blend grass into smoothies. Or you can join that 90 days dry fasting happening at your church. Who knows, you may even win the fight against your village people.
2. Cancel every Netflix ‘n’ Chill
You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Lol. I honestly can’t help you. See you on day 100 of January.
3. Delete any title of boss/iyawo oga
Before they say chairman or boss, just start rolling on the floor. You are not anybody’s boss in Jesus name. You can even hang a SAPA placard on your back.
4. Block all your friends and stay at home
This is the time to avoid any catch me outside talk. Omarion is kuku there now, so just stay in your house. Anybody that didn’t see you in December should rest.
5. Go back to your parents’ house
What’s that saying again? There’s no place like home abi? Forget about being a bad bitch or tech bro, better bend down and wash the plates in the sink so you can see free food.
6. Travel with your sugar mummy/daddy
Two heads are better than one. Better answer that DM and head to Dubai to shake what your momma gave you on a yacht. At your own risk sha, because anything you see, just take it like that.
7. Dump your partner
Just tell them it’s you,not them. They won’t even question whether it was about SAPA since Valentine’s Day is still far away. You’re welcome.
8. Sell everything you own
Vanity upon vanity is vanity. That human hair and PS5 you’re looking at right now is three months of food. You better post it for the highest bidder and focus on surviving.
9. Host your own heist
What’s a little La Casa de Papel? all the money the government has been borrowing technically belongs to you.
If all else fails, sleep. Is it in your dream somebody will be asking you, “Savings or current?”.