Girls | Zikoko!

First of all, the girlies are always right — take it up with your neighbour if you disagree. But every once in a while, we seek advice from others, either because we want to reinforce just how right we are, or we actually want a second opinion.

Every girl is at least one of these ten people when seeking advice.

The one who just wants confirmation

She’s seeking advice, but in reality, she knows what she wants to hear. All she wants is for you to confirm what she already knows — she’s always right.

The O in “opposite”

She has a degree in doing the exact opposite of the advice she just received. Like, girl, why waste both of our times when you know you won’t even try to take the advice?

The last resort

She’ll only reach out for advice when she’s tried everything, and everything has scattered like undone eba on her head. Pro tip: Don’t try to advise this babe because chances are the issue is now unsolvable.

The one who might get you jailed

She’ll only ask for advice on stuff like how to bury a body or plant a tracking device on her boyfriend.

Did you hear about the party we’re hosting for the girlies? Zikoko is bringing all the hot babes to the yard for the hottest babes-only festival. Get your tickets here.

The one who just asks for asking sake

She’s probably asking for advice because everyone has dragged her for never wanting to hear someone else’s opinion. You can tell because she’ll likely stare at you with a faraway look in her eyes as you speak and just nod at intervals. Save your breath; what she wants to do is in her mind already.

The unicorn

She asks for advice and actually takes it. She also knows exactly what she wants to eat at a restaurant. She’s a real-life miracle.

The fighting queen

She doesn’t have time for nonsense. Give her advice she doesn’t like, and you’ll probably never hear from her again. She’s also really good at throwing subs and ghosting.

The time waster

She comes for advice every two market days, ranting about the same problem every time. You’ve given every piece of advice you can think of, but things never work out as planned. It might be better to just commit her to God’s hands.

The “never mind”

She comes seeking advice, but in the middle of baring out her soul, she slams you with “never mind”. If you check it well, she likely has an ex-friend who spread all her dirty thongs in public when they had issues.

The advice shopper

If she doesn’t ask at least six different people’s opinions on one matter, she won’t rest. Then she’ll get confused about the final decision to take. Why won’t you be confused, Bisi?

NEXT READ: A Short Story: “Say the Full Thing”

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You and the girls have been planning that group trip for almost three years, and it still hasn’t gone beyond the group chat. Do the things I’ve mentioned below, and I promise, you girls will be on the next flight to your dream destination by the end of the week.

Fast and pray

Forces are clearly against you, and that’s why this trip hasn’t happened. To make it happen, you must invoke spiritual powers bigger than you. Everyone needs to come together and ask for the spirit of execution.

Buy flight tickets

Start planning your girls’ trip by deciding on a destination, picking a travel date, and then paying for the flight. By the time everyone buys flight tickets, there’s no turning back.

Go out and enter the traffic

When traffic shows you people small pepper, you’ll remember that there’s an option to be chilling in the Maldives.

ALSO READ: If You’re Planning a Girls’ Night Out, You’re One of These 9 Girls

Tell your parents

African parents are the only people in this world who can get you to do things you don’t want or don’t need to do. Just look at how they forced us to do house chores as kids. Let them use that energy to force you to go on the trip. If each girl gets their parents involved, all of you will be sipping coconut juice on a Jamaican beach by weekend.

Open Instagram

You and your girls need a little bit of oppression from the Instagram babes travelling everywhere and living their best lives. Maybe just then, you people will sit up. Don’t you want to post your own reel of you and the girls partying on a yacht in Mauritius?

ALSO READ: “The Real Cost of My Dubai Vacation” — Dennis and Nnneka’s Breakdown

Go alone

Forget about the girls’ trip and make it a solo trip instead. My mother will tell you that you should stop allowing people to hold your destiny. It’s not that deep, but you get what she means. Also, your friends may take it seriously when they see one person living their dreams.

Become friends with travel influencers

Travel influencers are always ready to travel because that’s literally where their money comes from. They won’t spend too much time planning because they’re excited to start creating content as soon as possible.

ALSO READ: Ten Things No One Tells You About Travelling With Your Friends
The next time you have a girls’ night out, you’ll have to get ready together. It’s for your mental health and sanity. Need extra convincing? Here why you should:

The chance to catch up on gist

This is when you brief them on all the happenings. If you don’t talk to certain people anymore, you’d want your girls to be aware. Anything can happen during a night out, and your girls need to be armed with all the current information.

Makeup activities

Even if you don’t use makeup, watching your friends get ready is such a chaotic experience. One person is blowing lash glue to dry faster; another is looking for an eyeshadow palette with a colour that’ll match the aesthetic. The chaos is 10/10.

RELATED: 10 Types of Friends Every Woman Should Have

Feedback on outfits

One reason women overpack is that they have backup dresses for their backup dresses. If you don’t feel confident in how your outfit makes you look, your girls are there to style and restyle you. They’ll give you tips and help you select the most flattering styles. It’s for your own good.

Pregaming drinks

This is for the drinkers. You need to pregame with your girls. Alcohol is costly outside, so it’s important to drink before you go out so you can be lit without spending too much. It’s financial responsibility!!!!!

RELATED: 8 Nigerian Women Share the Best Thing a Friend Has Done for Them

Music

The getting ready playlist is the most fire thing you’ll ever listen to. It gives what it’s meant to give. Imaging getting hyped by your girls even before the party starts.

Pictures

Nobody takes better pictures than girls that like you. They’re super invested in your angles, poses and lighting. They’re thinking of things you’re not worried about and will help you come up with the best Instagram captions. And the hype that comes as they’re taking the pictures? It’ll help you feel like the bad bitch you are.

RELATED: If You’re Planning a Girls’ Night Out, You’re One of These 9 Girls
At some point, Nigeria will have to declare a national emergency on the crime of defilement.

For starters, I actually thought “defilement” was just another sensational term used on newspaper headlines, but it actually is a criminal offence. Section 137 of the Lagos Criminal Law (2015), for instance, prescribes an imprisonment for life for anyone convicted on the offence of “Defilement of a child”.

And yes, a lot of defilement has been going on in Nigeria.

Meet Prophet Idowu And Other Annointed Men of God
On Wednesday, the Lagos State Police Command arraigned a Nduka Anyanwu before the State Magistrate Court in Yaba for allegedly impregnating two sisters of, guess their age – 13 and 17 years. Anyanwu who is a Pastor was said to have slept with the girls on multiple times, impregnating them in the process. Worst thing is that the mother of the girl refused the arrest because he’s a Pastor and he promised to marry one of them.

Meanwhile, there is a Prophet Idowu of the “Victorious Sacred Solemn Healing and Deliverance Ministry” who was arrested in February 2016 for “putting two sisters in the family way” (kinda thing you say to clear your conscience when you want to put rat poison in someone’s tea). This man also wanted to sell the victim’s father’s property – but one crime per pastor a day. Ahan.

There is also Prophet Ebenezer Ajigbotoluwa, founder and General Overseer of the Church of Lord who was arrested for defiling and impregnating two sisters, this same August. This one allegedly told a family of six to move into the church premises to avoid being ‘afflicted’ by the same sickness, after which he started afflicting the family’s girls of ages 13 and 16.

And there’s Pastor Jeremiah Godman Iziduh of the House of David Full Gospel Church who held a widow and her five daughters captive in Edo State, impregnated two of the girls while claiming that they were sown as seeds to his church by their late father (and so he sowed his seeds to them?). He also collected the documents of every property left by the late father and husband, and claimed that they were all sown as seeds to his church.

Things Are Happening

Look, there’s many more of these things happening in Nigeria. And its really not just Pastors. Terrible men are really destroying the lives of Nigerian girls by sleeping with them, getting them pregnant, and destroying their chances of proper education and a good future. And if that’s not a menace then I don’t know what is.

Meanwhile, let me go and look for the sex story of another Prophet Bartholomew Endurance Izanga. I’m sure there’s one out there. There always is.
Last year, I tagged along with my sister and her then-fiancé (now husband) the day they of their pre-wedding photoshoot. Watching the makeup artist work magic on my sister’s face with her Newt Scamander-style box of makeup tools piqued my interest. I had questions I wanted answers to but said nothing out of fear of being laughed at. (My sister is kinda the worst.) So I’m asking those questions here.

I’m just a curious man looking to learn. I implore thee, drag me not.

1) How much lipstick do you guys accidentally consume daily?

Because a girl’s gotta eat at some point during the day, am I right? How do y’all do it? It’s even more terrifying because I once spotted a girl at a restaurant reapplying her lipstick after a meal, implying that most of the previous coat had gone down with whatever she’d eaten. So it’s like, is this a fate y’all have resigned yourselves to? Do you just ingest this stuff? Is it edible?

Can…can I eat it?

2) What do you do when it’s really hot and you desperately want to wipe the sweat off your face but can’t for fear of wiping off your foundation in the process?

Also, does the sweat just start slowly seeping through cracks in the foundation like a leaking dam wall? If you sweat long enough, will it wash everything away? I imagine that it’s a lot like feeling an itch but not being able to scratch it.

That’s some torture shit right there.

3) How are you guys not terrified of mistakenly stabbing yourselves in the eye with the mascara and eyeliner applicators?

Looking at the applicator in the image above reminded of the panic attack I had the day I watched a shit ton of blood flow down my friend’s face because she mistakenly cut herself above the eye while doing her own brows.

4) Have you no fear of accidentally glueing your eyelids together when fixing fake lashes?

Because I once had glue come in contact with my eye once and it’s the second most painful/terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced. The first most painful thing was when I caught the tip of my erect penis in my zipper.

That’s a story for another day.

5) What exactly is the point of blush?

I truly don’t get it. Why would anybody want their cheeks orange all the time?
Beyoncé says, “I love my husband, but it is nothing like a conversation with a woman that understands you. I grow so much from those conversations.”

If you have girl friends, you already know that the friendship is always beautiful and totally lit! Girls just understand each other in some almost psychic ways.
You know what they say; the more the merrier! Why have one girl friend when you can have two, or three, or ten!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BjfpfzaBiB2/?taken-by=tolaniav
Sha make sure they’re good people o! There’s nothing like having positive women around you that totally get you! More reasons you should build a girl squad are…
You have people to talk to that can totally relate.

I mean, who else will understand why you’re crying over your shattered BlackUp compact?
You have a solid support system

Need a shoulder to cry on? How about four or five that understand you completely? Girlfriends will encourage you and remind you why you’re fire! You won’t have to deal with anything alone.
You can be your absolute wild self with them, and they won’t judge you.

Because they’ve probably done worse lol. Be ready for some extreme trolling, though!
You always have people to gist with

Girls talk about everything. Lol you guys have no idea how lit a girls’ Whatsapp group is. You will be laughing nonstop as you drag everyone and everything!
Even if they’re not all available, you will have at least one person who’ll keep you company.
You will always have the best and most diverse fashion advice

Friends never let friends go out looking foolish, so trust that these ladies will have your back and tell you the truth!
You have people to borrow stuff from

Whether clothes, shoes, wigs, makeup or jewellery, your squad will come always have something nice for when you need something to complement your slay.
It’s Girl Friend’s Day! Show your ride or die girl friends some love today, and let them know how awesome they are! Women are so powerful when they come together.
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “this modelling will fit me o,” then this is for you. But before you rush into it, let me prepare you for the different types of people you’ll meet in the industry once you’re ready. Pay attention.

Beware of the ones who stand in front of everyone by force

Heyyy designer, i’m the one you want
For they usually don’t get picked.

“Oh no it’s fine, seriously I’m not angry, it’s fine”
There are also the proud one’s who have a history of constantly getting picked

“Okay congratulations but do you have to rub it in our faces? HA!”
Meanwhile we have the one’s who happen to be there by mistake but somehow got picked

Who me? Excuse me sister, what’s happening here?
Congratulations to everyone who’d be walking the show

if you were not picked, please kindly exit the building, see you next year.
Today is the day! Models..

Are you readyyy?!?
This is where we know who the real models are.

I mean the one’s who were truly born for this. The category most people believe they fall into.
Those who bragged about their walk all week and got to the runway to surprise everyone.

“See when I walk, everywhere will scatter” But it really was catastrophic!
There’s also those ones who won’t let anything get in their way

This girl thinks she can stop my shine, God forbid bad thing
These ones literally put the run in runway.

No one is chasing you aunty, slow down
Those who give up as soon as they get backstage

“I can’t do this anymore, please tell my fans i’d miss them”
You know those people who start to narrate and exaggerate how people were staring at them?

Even if it wasn’t that bad? yeah we have those too
And finally, the designer’s pets who feel the need to form a clique backstage

While everyone hates on them
And next year, we do it all over again

I’m sure by now you’re more than convinced modelling is for you, so go for it!!!
1. When we say we have nothing to wear, it really means we don’t know WHAT to wear.

It’s really not a lack of choices, just indecision.
2. When we say no, SOMETIMES we really mean not right now.

But that’s only sometimes o. Other times, a no will always be a no.
3. When we don’t tell you what’s wrong, it’s because we’re secretly expecting you to know and to say it before we have to.

4. That buying underwear thing isn’t about being cheap, we’ve just seen your underwear and we think you need a glow up.

5. Sexy time noises has nothing to do with your penis. NOTHING.

And this is because sometimes…

Sorry, not sorry.
6. We’re always right. ALWAYS.

And even if we end up not being right, later on, we will still be. Just watch and see.
7. We don’t just like missionary because it’s easy, it’s because it keeps the ass within reach.

8. And when you catch us starting at your back, we’re actually secretly looking at your ass.

Oh, did you think you guys are the only ones that enjoy looking at ass?
9. Yes, heels can be painful and uncomfortable, but we love the way we feel when we wear them.

Wearing heels is not about getting a guy to notice us, it’s about feeling on top of the world.
10. When we look at you like this…

…we’re really wondering how to kill you in your sleep.
11. Sometimes when we’re upset, it’s not about you, we really just want food.

12. We love big bags because they can carry EVERYTHING we need or think we might need and we like to be prepared.

13. We’re actually secretly control freaks and that’s why we like to know everything.

14. This is the real reason girls go to the toilet together:

Yes, all your suspicions were correct.
More Zikoko!
https://zikoko.com/list/14-embarrassing-things-guys-can-never-tell-girls/
1. 90% of the time when we walk funny, it’s because we’re trying to adjust our testicles.

We have no control over how they position themselves. It’s not our fault.
2. Pretty much every guy has low key wished he can increase the size of his penis.

Yeah. Basically we’ve considered contacting the people that send those annoying spam emails about penis enlargement.
3. We’re not as clean as most girls.

So if you see a guy who’s really clean, compliment him because there is a tiny chance that he’s doing it for you.
4. We have two voices.

Our regular speaking voice and our “Girl I like you” voice. It’s default in our factory settings.
5. We are more sensitive than you think.

Not every time macho. Sometimes we’re delicate wallflowers.
6. The sound of metal scraping on a rough surface causes physical pain that we can actually feel in our testicles.

Scratching the crown cork of a soda bottle on the ground will make any testicles in the vicinity explode.
7. We have all, at some point, fantasized about getting our nails painted.

We’ve even thought about Henna. Don’t judge us. These things look like fun.
8. Some romantic comedies are actually very entertaining but we will NEVER give them the credit they deserve out loud.

Anything with Kevin Hart gets a pass tho. Kevin Hart is awesome.
9. We don’t act like it but deep down, we want our weddings to be lit.

With the lights, cameras, cakes and every thing. Weddings are awesome! Why would we not care about ours??
10. We sit down in public a lot longer than we have to sometimes because….

….getting rid of an impromptu erection takes time.
11. We love the Snapchat flower crown filter more than we’ll ever admit.

Who doesn’t like flowers? Lol
12. We occasionally use selfie sticks.

For those days you want the perfect selfie. We will still yab any guy that actually admits to having one sha.
13. It scares the hell out of us when we want to talk to a girl we like but she’s in the company of other girls.

Why do girls like to move around in packs sef? Oya, all of you, disperse! I want to set P.
14. We have all, at least once, sang along to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”.

C’mon, who wouldn’t want to get down to that sick beat??
If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the 6 questions guys secretly want to ask girls about makeup.

6 Questions Guys Secretly Want To Ask Girls About Makeup

The one who just wants confirmation

The O in “opposite”

The last resort

The one who might get you jailed

The one who just asks for asking sake

The unicorn

The fighting queen

The time waster

The “never mind”

The advice shopper

Fast and pray

Buy flight tickets

Go out and enter the traffic

Tell your parents

Open Instagram

Go alone

Become friends with travel influencers

The chance to catch up on gist

Makeup activities

Feedback on outfits

Pregaming drinks

Music

Pictures

Meet Prophet Idowu And Other Annointed Men of God

Things Are Happening

Beyoncé says, “I love my husband, but it is nothing like a conversation with a woman that understands you. I grow so much from those conversations.”

You know what they say; the more the merrier! Why have one girl friend when you can have two, or three, or ten!

You have people to talk to that can totally relate.

You have a solid support system

You can be your absolute wild self with them, and they won’t judge you.

You always have people to gist with

You will always have the best and most diverse fashion advice

You have people to borrow stuff from

It’s Girl Friend’s Day! Show your ride or die girl friends some love today, and let them know how awesome they are! Women are so powerful when they come together.

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “this modelling will fit me o,” then this is for you. But before you rush into it, let me prepare you for the different types of people you’ll meet in the industry once you’re ready. Pay attention.

Beware of the ones who stand in front of everyone by force

For they usually don’t get picked.

There are also the proud one’s who have a history of constantly getting picked

Meanwhile we have the one’s who happen to be there by mistake but somehow got picked

Congratulations to everyone who’d be walking the show

Today is the day! Models..

This is where we know who the real models are.

Those who bragged about their walk all week and got to the runway to surprise everyone.

There’s also those ones who won’t let anything get in their way

These ones literally put the run in runway.

Those who give up as soon as they get backstage

You know those people who start to narrate and exaggerate how people were staring at them?

And finally, the designer’s pets who feel the need to form a clique backstage

And next year, we do it all over again

1. When we say we have nothing to wear, it really means we don’t know WHAT to wear.

2. When we say no, SOMETIMES we really mean not right now.

3. When we don’t tell you what’s wrong, it’s because we’re secretly expecting you to know and to say it before we have to.

4. That buying underwear thing isn’t about being cheap, we’ve just seen your underwear and we think you need a glow up.

5. Sexy time noises has nothing to do with your penis. NOTHING.

And this is because sometimes…

6. We’re always right. ALWAYS.

7. We don’t just like missionary because it’s easy, it’s because it keeps the ass within reach.

8. And when you catch us starting at your back, we’re actually secretly looking at your ass.

9. Yes, heels can be painful and uncomfortable, but we love the way we feel when we wear them.

10. When we look at you like this…

11. Sometimes when we’re upset, it’s not about you, we really just want food.

12. We love big bags because they can carry EVERYTHING we need or think we might need and we like to be prepared.

13. We’re actually secretly control freaks and that’s why we like to know everything.

14. This is the real reason girls go to the toilet together:

More Zikoko!

1. 90% of the time when we walk funny, it’s because we’re trying to adjust our testicles.

2. Pretty much every guy has low key wished he can increase the size of his penis.

3. We’re not as clean as most girls.

4. We have two voices.

5. We are more sensitive than you think.

6. The sound of metal scraping on a rough surface causes physical pain that we can actually feel in our testicles.

7. We have all, at some point, fantasized about getting our nails painted.

8. Some romantic comedies are actually very entertaining but we will NEVER give them the credit they deserve out loud.

9. We don’t act like it but deep down, we want our weddings to be lit.

10. We sit down in public a lot longer than we have to sometimes because….

11. We love the Snapchat flower crown filter more than we’ll ever admit.

12. We occasionally use selfie sticks.

13. It scares the hell out of us when we want to talk to a girl we like but she’s in the company of other girls.

14. We have all, at least once, sang along to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”.

If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the 6 questions guys secretly want to ask girls about makeup.