December | Page 3 of 3

We will go into this article with the assumption that you all know what “Whocup” means. Please don’t pretend, you cannot tell us that you don’t know that “Whocup” is another name for “Hook up.” Yes, that kind of hook up. Don’t squeeze your face until you hear why we think you should consider this line of business:

1. Your salary does not last till month end.

If your salary does not last till the end of the month, it might be time for you to consider doing Whocup. Whocup pays more, and you don’t even have to work from 9-5, unless you are into that kind of thing.

2. Your bills are threatening to finish your life.

Small salary that you are collecting, bills want to choke it to death. How is a young person to survive in these trying times? The answer? WHOCUP. Stand by the roadside or ask people to refer you. You are kuku sleeping with people for free, why not monetise it?

3. If you are the first child, please enter “Whocup” immediately.

Only first children will understand this. We see your struggle, and we wish we could help, that’s why this article exists. Whocup is the way oh.

4. You can meet your destiny helper.

Whocup is a very diverse field. Who knows who you might encounter that will change your life for good? Do Whocup and succeed!

5. You learn different styles.

“Skibidipapapa” style? Whocup will teach you. “Buhari is on top” style? E dey here. “Osinbajo BDSM speciale?” You will learn it here. By the time you decide to get married, you will have become an encyclopedia of sex styles.

6. You can even travel abroad.

Abroad that people are struggling to enter, one night of intense Whocup and you are on a private jet entering Adelaide. Believe me, I have seen it happen.

7. Whocup keeps your body parts active.

Why go to the gym everyday when you can get the exercise (and the orgasms) you need from Whocup? Whocup erases wrinkles, relieves stress and straightens your back. That’s more than enough reason to discover it.

8. Whocup allows you to discover your hidden talents.

So you can have an entire arm shoved down your throat? Oh who would have thought? You can bend lower than Meganmikuro Thee Stallion? Thanks to Whocup! Is wearing rags your thing? The point is, if you don’t enter Whocup, you might probably go all your life without discovering your hidden talents. EXPLORE TODAY!

9. And if you refuse to do it for all these reasons, remember December is coming.

Wizkid is holding a concert, Burna Boy too. How will you pay for it and still detty your December? Whocup is the way oh, my brother, my sister. Let’s enter this thing now.

Please note sha, in all Whocups you are Whocupping, remember that streets are tough. Follow our advice at your peril.

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Will your December be dirty? If yes, at what cost?

Take this quiz to find out:

[donation]
What does IJGB mean? – “I Just Got Back.” This means someone who’s living abroad and is back in Nigeria for December rocks. Now that you know the definition of IJGB, let’s begin.

December is upon us and God willing, the innits will soon be upon us. We’ve prepared this guide as a safety measure to ensure that you’re not taken for eediat this December.

Here’s a list of men to avoid this December:

1) The “I don’t have Naira on me” type

He’s a liar and a dirty ***** living a fake life.

2) The “I’ll come back to marry you”

Scope. We’ve heard this format so many times before.

3) The “I need a proper African woman”

S for what? – Slavery.

4) The insufferable ones

“In the [insert name of country] they don’t do this.” We’ve heard you.

5) The “do you have a friend?”

For what? For why?

6) The ones that won’t stop converting to anything that’s not Naira.

“Oh, just 6 pounds? That’s cheap. Lol.” It’s your daddy that’s cheap.

7) The ones that won’t introduce you to their friends of family

Femi, why are we always meeting at hotels in the middle of the night? Are you ashamed of me? Are you?

8) Any abroad Nigerian man that says it’s complicated

It’s a lie my dear, he has two kids and a lovely wife in England. He’s lying.

9) The triple threat

If he attended K.C, then went to Unilag, and is now in London for Masters, ah. Run oh

10) Children of politicians

Because while we’re having a good time, we’re not frolicking with the enemy. We’re still on that #EndSars wave my dears.

If you enjoyed reading this, you should definitely take a look at this: 12 Things You’ll Relate To If You Love & Hate IJGB Season

[donation]
I may be alone here, but when I was younger, December was all about family.

It was the one time when everyone would come home from around the country and my Uncle Leke would visit with a trunk filled with Fan Ice.

Then I grew up and learned that everyone reacts to December in a different way.

Christmas always draws some weirdness out of the most familiar people – and some new people into your periphery.

There are the people who have moved to Lagos for the holidays to make a point.

“Them think say them get two heads”, “this Lagos, we go rock am”, he says to the boys at the Ojota park as he gets in an Uber to Agungi on a Friday night.

They don’t realise the people who really have money to spend are around too.

Complete with their newly-downloaded Scottish accents and a currency that has been carrying shoulder for a while.

The people who can’t speak ‘innit’ that you see around them in the club are their old friends from Nigerian universities.

A truly symbiotic relationship.

But while they’re trying to spend money, some people are looking to make it.

It’s like they hibernate till November and wake up to sell bales of Christmas lace to unwitting masses.

You can’t possibly miss the guy who has sacrificed their souls to Christmas cheer.

He’ll start wearing Christmas hats to work on December 1. He’s the same guy who’ll suggest you have a bootleg Father Christmas at the office end-of-year party.

Unlike those who suddenly get tired of life and swear to change the world next year.

The Patron Saints of New Year’s Resolutions and Getting Drunk on January 1st.

There are, of course, the joyless who don’t see what the fuss is about

You can listen to their TED talk on how Christmas is a consumer product.

Some people are just thankful for the opportunity to rest

Can a human sleep for three days straight? Let’s find out.

And then there’s you – you just came here to eat.

A December to remember in kilograms.

Most times, though, December just forces you to look back at all you have to be thankful for

“Count ya blessings, name them one by one”

If you think you don’t have much to look back on, there’s always 2019, and we’re stepping into it like…
In case #Seizethebae2015 failed you too…
‘Tis the season to be jolly! Christmas is in two days and Father Christmas is already in town. Whether you’ve been naughty or nice all year, he has something for all of you! But first, incase you’re wondering who Father Christmas is, he is Nigeria’s Santa Claus.

But are they the same? Nigerians say they’re not.

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/679591184558342144

But seriously though, Father Christmas does certain things that makes us go like…

Check them out.
1. This one with a pot belly and a huge bum. We’re sure he can twerk!

2. This one that is trying so hard to be white and failing woefully!

3. This Muslim Father Christmas who came bearing gifts!

4. This one that probably lost his sleigh.

5. This one was probably stuck in traffic and decided to take a quicker route.

6. This faceless Santa.

7. Another faceless one with a grown man on his lap.

8. This Babalawo Christmas. Could he be Santa or satan?

9. This one that is just chilling.

10. This Santa band.

11. This one with Brazilian weave beard.

12. This Santa is husband material!
As Nigerians, we never seize to amaze ourselves. All the time.

We came across a Santa Claus who looked unusual and did something that was equally out of behaviour from the Santas we all know. He looked like this:

This Muslim Santa was carrying out his prayers while in his outfit. And he even has a cart bearing gifts!

We say go for it! Religion can’t divide us.

Featured image via Huffington Post.
1. When your parents package your gift as Christmas + birthday present.

Well, isn’t this convenient for you?!
2. When someone wraps your birthday gift in Christmas wrapping paper.

Even you?!
3. When you spend your entire day surrounded by Christmas decorations.

I’m done with you people.
4. When all your friends are not around when you’re trying to plan your birthday.

Must you go for Christmas holiday?
5. Or when you finally have a party, it turns into a Christmas party without your permission.

I cannot have anything nice.
6. When someone wishes you “Happy Birthday” and then asks “What are your plans for Christmas?” right after.

Keep your wishes.
7. If your birthday is plus or minus 2 days from Christmas, you might as well not exist.

It’s okay. It’s fine.
8. And you might as well forget gifts, because all your friends will complain that they’re too broke to buy you a present.

HAY GOD!
9. Everyone is always too busy with end-of-year stuff to celebrate your birth, even the people that gave you life.

Are you really my parents?
10. But you can’t even be mad. You’re sharing your birthday season with a much more relevant baby – He saved the world.

Errr…
11. And when Christmas is over, You have to wait forever for your next birthday.

Whatever…not like it will be good anyway.
So you want to bam bam? You want to chill with the big boyz. It’s allowed, after all, what is December for? But if you don’t want to run kitikiti and ketekete from debt collectors in January, follow these steps.

1. Tie wrapper over your eyes

So you don’t have to see things that will make you go and enter gbese.

2. Look for other “big boyz” to sponsor your lifestyle

Las las this December enjoyment must reach everybody. Drag their shirt and say you want to bam bam too.

3. Make a deal with sapa

Tell sapa that you will suffer in instalments if it can let you shine small during this Detty December. #SmileNowCryLater

4. Befriend your debtors

In this life, you can’t come and kill yourself. If you see something that is entering your eyes, buy it. Everything will sort itself out if you simply befriend your debtors.

5. Invite your friends to hang out and chill

It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate that will leave your account red. Just budget for a Malta Guinness drink and Gala or small chops. After all, your friends will become “Big Boyz” one day. So, see it as chilling with them in advance.

6. Look for events like the Street Church Love and Light fest refreshed by Malta Guinness to attend

Eh ya, you missed this. Apart from costing just N2k in entry fees, everyone who attended got a free Malta Guinness drink and gift items. Plus, they got to chill with Kenny Blaq, Emma Oh My God, Timi Dakolo and more.

Now, talk of chilling with the Big Boyz, we hear Malta Guinness might just have another outing like this before December runs out, so follow Malta Guinness on socials @maltaguinnessng and shine ya eye for updates.

1. Your salary does not last till month end.

2. Your bills are threatening to finish your life.

3. If you are the first child, please enter “Whocup” immediately.

4. You can meet your destiny helper.

5. You learn different styles.

6. You can even travel abroad.

7. Whocup keeps your body parts active.

8. Whocup allows you to discover your hidden talents.

9. And if you refuse to do it for all these reasons, remember December is coming.

1) The “I don’t have Naira on me” type

2) The “I’ll come back to marry you”

3) The “I need a proper African woman”

4) The insufferable ones

5) The “do you have a friend?”

6) The ones that won’t stop converting to anything that’s not Naira.

7) The ones that won’t introduce you to their friends of family

8) Any abroad Nigerian man that says it’s complicated

9) The triple threat

10) Children of politicians

I may be alone here, but when I was younger, December was all about family.

Then I grew up and learned that everyone reacts to December in a different way.

There are the people who have moved to Lagos for the holidays to make a point.

They don’t realise the people who really have money to spend are around too.

The people who can’t speak ‘innit’ that you see around them in the club are their old friends from Nigerian universities.

But while they’re trying to spend money, some people are looking to make it.

You can’t possibly miss the guy who has sacrificed their souls to Christmas cheer.

Unlike those who suddenly get tired of life and swear to change the world next year.

There are, of course, the joyless who don’t see what the fuss is about

Some people are just thankful for the opportunity to rest

And then there’s you – you just came here to eat.

Most times, though, December just forces you to look back at all you have to be thankful for

If you think you don’t have much to look back on, there’s always 2019, and we’re stepping into it like…

But are they the same? Nigerians say they’re not.

But seriously though, Father Christmas does certain things that makes us go like…

1. This one with a pot belly and a huge bum. We’re sure he can twerk!

2. This one that is trying so hard to be white and failing woefully!

3. This Muslim Father Christmas who came bearing gifts!

4. This one that probably lost his sleigh.

5. This one was probably stuck in traffic and decided to take a quicker route.

6. This faceless Santa.

7. Another faceless one with a grown man on his lap.

8. This Babalawo Christmas. Could he be Santa or satan?

9. This one that is just chilling.

10. This Santa band.

11. This one with Brazilian weave beard.

12. This Santa is husband material!

As Nigerians, we never seize to amaze ourselves. All the time.

We came across a Santa Claus who looked unusual and did something that was equally out of behaviour from the Santas we all know. He looked like this:

This Muslim Santa was carrying out his prayers while in his outfit. And he even has a cart bearing gifts!

We say go for it! Religion can’t divide us.

1. When your parents package your gift as Christmas + birthday present.

2. When someone wraps your birthday gift in Christmas wrapping paper.

3. When you spend your entire day surrounded by Christmas decorations.

4. When all your friends are not around when you’re trying to plan your birthday.

5. Or when you finally have a party, it turns into a Christmas party without your permission.

6. When someone wishes you “Happy Birthday” and then asks “What are your plans for Christmas?” right after.

7. If your birthday is plus or minus 2 days from Christmas, you might as well not exist.

8. And you might as well forget gifts, because all your friends will complain that they’re too broke to buy you a present.

9. Everyone is always too busy with end-of-year stuff to celebrate your birth, even the people that gave you life.

10. But you can’t even be mad. You’re sharing your birthday season with a much more relevant baby – He saved the world.

11. And when Christmas is over, You have to wait forever for your next birthday.

1. Tie wrapper over your eyes

2. Look for other “big boyz” to sponsor your lifestyle

3. Make a deal with sapa

4. Befriend your debtors

5. Invite your friends to hang out and chill

6. Look for events like the Street Church Love and Light fest refreshed by Malta Guinness to attend