Sex Life: The Sex Is Good Even Without Orgasms

August 7, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


TW: Sexual Assault

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 20-year-old heterosexual woman who is finally enjoying good sex after a series of bad ones. She talks about what good sex has taught her, and how she is still on the journey to finding an orgasm.

What was your first sexual experience?

It was a kiss. I think I was 14 when it happened. I was in SS1, and I had a boyfriend then. This was in 2015. We kissed for like three seconds before I stormed out of his house. On my way home, I was praying to God for forgiveness.

Aww. Was your boyfriend also a student?

Yes. He was in SS2. We never did anything beyond kissing and touching. I didn’t have actual sex until four years later, in September 2019.

Was there a reason for that?

I was going to do it as a one night stand in SS3, but it didn’t work out, so I just moved on. 

A one night stand in SS3?

It was at a party. I felt like I was ready to do it and let go. I had grown up hearing people say that a woman would always be attached to the first man she has sex with, and I wanted to go against that misconception by doing it with someone I had no prior attachment or connection with. I met the guy at the party, we vibed and there was very strong sexual chemistry, but the actual sex didn’t work out. He tried but couldn’t penetrate me. I was too tense. We just had to let it go.

And then I thought I would do it in my first year in university, but the person assaulted me.

Oh wow. I’m so sorry about that.

We had a thing, but apparently he had a stable girlfriend that I did not know about. One night, he asked me to come over. I told him it was late but he insisted, so I went. I got there and realised he’d just returned from a party and was drunk. I wanted to leave, but he locked the door and fingered me until I bled. The next day, he came over and tried to apologise. After that incident, I just knew there was no point rushing to do anything or trying to prove a point to anybody. I decided to wait till I knew the sex was not to please anyone but myself.

And this happened in 2019…

Yes. I was in a relationship and was convinced I wanted to do it, so it happened. 

How was it?

Honestly? I was bored. It wasn’t the classic case of an exciting first time. It wasn’t painful at all, but it was completely bland. After it happened, I was like, “LMAO, is this the sex you people always shout about?” I had read a lot about it, but the act itself was underwhelming. I should have told my partner how I felt though, but I just kept quiet.

I knew I would do it again, but I was not looking forward to it. And the more it happened,  the more bored I got. I would just zone in and out until the whole thing was over and I could go about my day.

Since it was boring, why did you keep doing it?

He was my boyfriend. The foreplay was great, so I thought I was the problem. 

One day we got excited and didn’t use protection. I had to use the pill, and it made me bleed for more than a month. It was hell. After that, I told myself, “No more sex.”

That’s rough. Did you eventually have a good experience?

Yes oh, but not with him. We broke up. The second person I was with was absolutely annoying. He had zero common sense. Why would someone be playing “Sekkle Down” during sex? 

LOL, WHAT?

The whole thing just put me off.  

When I think of my sexual experiences, the number of bad experiences outweighs the good. If one person isn’t biting my clit, another person is pouring saliva in my mouth in the name of kissing. Once, I went home with swollen lips because of kissing. 

But I’ve had good experiences. 

Tell me.

Soft love making and hard, intense sex that were great. 

The first good experience happened March 3rd, 2020. He’s my friend. We hit a vibe when I was in secondary school, but he ghosted me. One day, he tweeted about needing directions to my faculty so I texted him. After that day, I just shot my shot that I wanted to be with him if it was cool. 

When the sex eventually happened, we got wine and food. To crown it all, it rained that day. 

Look at the universe coming through for you!

See, I thanked my stars that night! That sex was sweet, soft. See, I was pleasured. It was so good, it changed my notion of sex. That’s when I began to understand that sex isn’t overrated.

But even as great as they were, I still haven’t orgasmed. I know I will get it soon; I’ve have been having really good sex and I’m happy. No more fake moans or any of that drama. 

Given that you’ve had bad experiences, what made this one particularly good?

I was super comfortable with him, I guess. I didn’t have to overthink anything and he really wanted to pleasure me. Plus, the mood was perfect and the sexual chemistry was strong. It happened just once because of COVID, but I’ve had good experiences this year.

I’m listening.

I think I have figured out that I like to have sex with people I pick, not people that want me. I don’t know if that makes sense? Like, one of the guys was the president of an association I joined. The chemistry was insane. I have never felt that way for someone else. It’s like once he touched me, the rivers in me began to flow. The foreplay was stupendously excellent. I’m sorry for the choice of words, but it was too good.

The second person I liked was my best friend. 

Ah.

We started out as just friends and still are. In fact, I often talk to him about everything. I find him really attractive, so the sex was spontaneous. We went to a hotel from campus. The foreplay was great, but the sex was mindblowing. Maybe I broke my back, but it was worth it. I was crying tears of joy. It happened a second time and now I’m hooked for real.

I like being submissive, and I just love how I can be submissive for him without him even saying anything. I’m just ready to bend over, get on my knees and do whatever he asks me.

Were these people in relationships?

No, they weren’t. But I’ve been with someone that was. I was drunk and it happened, but it was not bad. We did it two times after, but it wasn’t that great. The sex was a lot of gymnastics, honestly. I only liked it because I knew he liked fucking me, so I stuck around. 

At some point, he was trying to shame me for having sex with him even after knowing he was in a relationship. I told him, “Abeg, boss, you can’t do that one because I made a conscious effort and you did too, so all this talk of you having a babe does not make too much sense.” Anyway, I didn’t feel guilty. His girlfriend is not my friend.

Fair point. So, where are you now on the journey to getting an orgasm?

Right now, I don’t think great sex equates orgasms. And this is a level of growth because when I just started out, I thought if I was getting with a person, I must try to orgasm. I wasn’t trying to enjoy it.

These days, when I feel myself returning to that path, I just stop or ask whoever I’m with to stop. I want to ease into it and enjoy the process. I know I will orgasm in due time.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 – 10?

7.5. It’s not as frequent as I would like it to be, but I hope that changes soon. 


Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Love Life besties to friends with benefits
August 26, 2021

Becca*, 28, and Michael*, 25 have been dating for five months. Today on Love Life, they talk about transitioning from work besties to friends with benefits, then deciding to relocate to London together.  What is your earliest memory of each other? Michael: She doesn’t know this, but I was coming to work one day when […]

November 30, 2019

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who had only ever had sex with women until last month. After unexpectedly making out with a guy at a party, he had his bisexual awakening, and now he feels like he just hit reset on his life.


July 8, 2021

Safe period is that mythical period in your cycle where you can have sex with men and not get pregnant. It involves a lot of mathematics and the gag is that you can still get pregnant during your safe period, so here’s a list of things to do to avoid getting pregnant. No, we are […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

More from Sex Life

February 12, 2022

The subject of today’s sex life is a 23-year-old bisexual woman. She talks about realising she liked women at 10 years old, missing out on sex with men because she hated her body and finally enjoying sex with men once she learnt how to be comfortable with her body. 

November 20, 2021

The subject of today’s sex life is a 19-year-old lesbian who has had sex with over 200 people. She talks about starting her BDSM journey at 13 , experimenting in boarding school with ropes and canes, and finally slowing down because she found love.

November 13, 2021

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about having sex for the first time at 25, discovering the wonders of lube, and her current struggle to leave the treacherous streets.

November 6, 2021

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about deciding to have sex before her wedding, her desire to dominate a man, and all things she enjoys that she blames porn for.

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X