Sex Life: The Sex Is Good Even Without Orgasms

August 7, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


TW: Sexual Assault

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 20-year-old heterosexual woman who is finally enjoying good sex after a series of bad ones. She talks about what good sex has taught her, and how she is still on the journey to finding an orgasm.

What was your first sexual experience?

It was a kiss. I think I was 14 when it happened. I was in SS1, and I had a boyfriend then. This was in 2015. We kissed for like three seconds before I stormed out of his house. On my way home, I was praying to God for forgiveness.

Aww. Was your boyfriend also a student?

Yes. He was in SS2. We never did anything beyond kissing and touching. I didn’t have actual sex until four years later, in September 2019.

Was there a reason for that?

I was going to do it as a one night stand in SS3, but it didn’t work out, so I just moved on. 

A one night stand in SS3?

It was at a party. I felt like I was ready to do it and let go. I had grown up hearing people say that a woman would always be attached to the first man she has sex with, and I wanted to go against that misconception by doing it with someone I had no prior attachment or connection with. I met the guy at the party, we vibed and there was very strong sexual chemistry, but the actual sex didn’t work out. He tried but couldn’t penetrate me. I was too tense. We just had to let it go.

And then I thought I would do it in my first year in university, but the person assaulted me.

Oh wow. I’m so sorry about that.

We had a thing, but apparently he had a stable girlfriend that I did not know about. One night, he asked me to come over. I told him it was late but he insisted, so I went. I got there and realised he’d just returned from a party and was drunk. I wanted to leave, but he locked the door and fingered me until I bled. The next day, he came over and tried to apologise. After that incident, I just knew there was no point rushing to do anything or trying to prove a point to anybody. I decided to wait till I knew the sex was not to please anyone but myself.

And this happened in 2019…

Yes. I was in a relationship and was convinced I wanted to do it, so it happened. 

How was it?

Honestly? I was bored. It wasn’t the classic case of an exciting first time. It wasn’t painful at all, but it was completely bland. After it happened, I was like, “LMAO, is this the sex you people always shout about?” I had read a lot about it, but the act itself was underwhelming. I should have told my partner how I felt though, but I just kept quiet.

I knew I would do it again, but I was not looking forward to it. And the more it happened,  the more bored I got. I would just zone in and out until the whole thing was over and I could go about my day.

Since it was boring, why did you keep doing it?

He was my boyfriend. The foreplay was great, so I thought I was the problem. 

One day we got excited and didn’t use protection. I had to use the pill, and it made me bleed for more than a month. It was hell. After that, I told myself, “No more sex.”

That’s rough. Did you eventually have a good experience?

Yes oh, but not with him. We broke up. The second person I was with was absolutely annoying. He had zero common sense. Why would someone be playing “Sekkle Down” during sex? 

LOL, WHAT?

The whole thing just put me off.  

When I think of my sexual experiences, the number of bad experiences outweighs the good. If one person isn’t biting my clit, another person is pouring saliva in my mouth in the name of kissing. Once, I went home with swollen lips because of kissing. 

But I’ve had good experiences. 

Tell me.

Soft love making and hard, intense sex that were great. 

The first good experience happened March 3rd, 2020. He’s my friend. We hit a vibe when I was in secondary school, but he ghosted me. One day, he tweeted about needing directions to my faculty so I texted him. After that day, I just shot my shot that I wanted to be with him if it was cool. 

When the sex eventually happened, we got wine and food. To crown it all, it rained that day. 

Look at the universe coming through for you!

See, I thanked my stars that night! That sex was sweet, soft. See, I was pleasured. It was so good, it changed my notion of sex. That’s when I began to understand that sex isn’t overrated.

But even as great as they were, I still haven’t orgasmed. I know I will get it soon; I’ve have been having really good sex and I’m happy. No more fake moans or any of that drama. 

Given that you’ve had bad experiences, what made this one particularly good?

I was super comfortable with him, I guess. I didn’t have to overthink anything and he really wanted to pleasure me. Plus, the mood was perfect and the sexual chemistry was strong. It happened just once because of COVID, but I’ve had good experiences this year.

I’m listening.

I think I have figured out that I like to have sex with people I pick, not people that want me. I don’t know if that makes sense? Like, one of the guys was the president of an association I joined. The chemistry was insane. I have never felt that way for someone else. It’s like once he touched me, the rivers in me began to flow. The foreplay was stupendously excellent. I’m sorry for the choice of words, but it was too good.

The second person I liked was my best friend. 

Ah.

We started out as just friends and still are. In fact, I often talk to him about everything. I find him really attractive, so the sex was spontaneous. We went to a hotel from campus. The foreplay was great, but the sex was mindblowing. Maybe I broke my back, but it was worth it. I was crying tears of joy. It happened a second time and now I’m hooked for real.

I like being submissive, and I just love how I can be submissive for him without him even saying anything. I’m just ready to bend over, get on my knees and do whatever he asks me.

Were these people in relationships?

No, they weren’t. But I’ve been with someone that was. I was drunk and it happened, but it was not bad. We did it two times after, but it wasn’t that great. The sex was a lot of gymnastics, honestly. I only liked it because I knew he liked fucking me, so I stuck around. 

At some point, he was trying to shame me for having sex with him even after knowing he was in a relationship. I told him, “Abeg, boss, you can’t do that one because I made a conscious effort and you did too, so all this talk of you having a babe does not make too much sense.” Anyway, I didn’t feel guilty. His girlfriend is not my friend.

Fair point. So, where are you now on the journey to getting an orgasm?

Right now, I don’t think great sex equates orgasms. And this is a level of growth because when I just started out, I thought if I was getting with a person, I must try to orgasm. I wasn’t trying to enjoy it.

These days, when I feel myself returning to that path, I just stop or ask whoever I’m with to stop. I want to ease into it and enjoy the process. I know I will orgasm in due time.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 – 10?

7.5. It’s not as frequent as I would like it to be, but I hope that changes soon. 


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