Kayode* (32) grew up watching his parents model what he thought was the perfect union: two people inseparable, content with or without children. He went into marriage convinced he’d replicate their story. But two years in, he’s learning that love alone doesn’t shield you from the surprises of partnership.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about clashing with his wife over starting a family, struggling with her post-pregnancy weight gain, and why he believes love needs more than itself to survive.
This is a look into his marriage diaries.
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My parents convinced me that marriage was meant to be beautiful
I’ve always imagined marriage as a beautiful thing. My parents are obsessed with each other even now. Sometimes I joke that they forget they have a son because of how wrapped up they are in each other. They married young, and I didn’t come until 10 years later. I once asked my mum how they coped in those years before I arrived, and she said there was no pressure. They were happy doing life together, child or not.
That answer stayed with me. Marriage was never about ticking boxes or producing children. It was about partnership — two people who were enough for each other, with or without kids.
My parents influenced everything I believed about marriage. They did everything together — travel, prayer, dates, even chores. Growing up, I often stayed at my grandmother’s while they went on their “mummy and daddy” nights. I didn’t understand what date night was then, but now I do. They showed me that companionship was the heart of it all.
The biggest surprise has been how much marriage changes people
As much as I went into marriage with my parents’ example, I didn’t expect the changes that come once you’re actually in it. My biggest surprise is realising that no matter how perfect you think your partner is, life can switch things up without seeking your permission.
When we were dating, my wife and I loved going out together. We always explored new restaurants, attended events, and spent hours discovering new experiences. But since marriage, she’s changed. Now, getting her to agree to a date takes effort. At first, I struggled with it because it felt like I’d lost the version of her I fell in love with. Sometimes, it’s hard to reconcile the girlfriend I dated with the wife I live with now.
It made me realise that marriage isn’t about clinging to one fixed picture. It’s about learning to embrace new versions of each other as life evolves. My wife today isn’t the same person I courted, but she’s still my partner, and I’m learning to love this version of her, too.
I wanted to delay childbirth, but I lost that fight
One of the most difficult conflicts we’ve faced is about when to have kids. Left to me, we wouldn’t have had a child yet. I wanted my wife and I to spend more years together before bringing children into the picture.
I had my reasons: I wanted us to enjoy the version of ourselves that wasn’t tied down — the version that could wake up one morning and decide to go clubbing, order takeout all week, or travel without thinking too hard. I knew that once kids came, things would change forever.
But my wife didn’t agree. By the second year of marriage, she started bringing it up seriously, and it became a fight. To her, childbirth was something to “get out of the way” quickly. Meanwhile, family members were in our ears, reminding us that children were “the next step.”
The pressure got to me. At some point, I started wondering if I was even prepared for marriage. If the natural next step after marriage is children, why was I reluctant? Was I selfish? Was I unready?
Eventually, I gave in. I saw how much it meant to her and decided to prioritise her wishes over mine. But even now, there are days when I miss the version of our marriage before parenting.
Pregnancy and childbirth shook our marriage in ways I didn’t expect
Nobody warned me about how pregnancy and childbirth could almost destroy a home. It comes in phases.
First, there’s the pregnancy itself. My wife was moody, nagging, and emotionally demanding. I tried to be patient, but it wasn’t easy. Then the baby came, and she barely had time for me. I felt pushed aside, like our entire relationship now revolved around the baby.
Then there were the physical changes. Pregnancy took a toll on her body. She bounced back in some ways, but not with her weight. She’s much bigger now, and I’ll be honest: I’ve never been attracted to big women.
She knows this and she complains about it herself. I’ve heard her talk about her tummy and her size. But it’s tricky for me. I want to encourage her to hit the gym, but I also don’t want to pressure her. I never mention it, even though I sometimes miss the way she looked before.
That’s marriage. You commit not just to one version of your partner but to every version they’ll become. It’s a hard pill to swallow, and nobody teaches you how to do it.
A fight over her weight taught me the balance between honesty and reassurance
The weight issue is the source of one of our biggest arguments. She often complains about how she looks and expects me to reassure her. I usually stay quiet because I don’t want to lie and don’t want her to get too comfortable thinking I’m fine with it.
But a few months ago, I snapped. I told her bluntly, “Complaining won’t change anything. If you want to lose the weight, do something about it.” I thought I was giving tough love. Instead, it turned into a huge fight. She accused me of putting her down and not accepting her as she is.
We eventually had the difficult conversation. I explained that I kept quiet not because I didn’t care but because I didn’t want to put pressure on her. And I also didn’t want to reassure her and make it seem like I was completely fine with the weight gain.
That situation taught me something: marriage isn’t about choosing between silence and bluntness. It’s about learning how to be both firm and kind at the same time. You have to reassure, but also hold your partner accountable. I’m not there yet, but I’m learning.
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Love matters, but it’s not enough on its own
If I could advise my younger self, I’d say: don’t hold on to a grand picture of marriage. That picture will change. Your partner will change. And when they do, your picture has to change too.
Marriage is about entering with love and openness, then creating a new picture together. If you go in rigid, you’ll only frustrate yourself.
Still, I believe love has a strong place in marriage. But it’s seldom enough. You need patience, kindness, forgiveness, empathy, and proper communication. Outsiders see the “lovey-dovey” side but don’t see the backend comprising the compromises, emotional labour, arguments, and reconciliations.
Love is powerful, but only survives if all these other things are present. If there’s anything marriage has taught me, it’s that love is the glue, but you need more than glue to build a house.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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