When Muusbau* (48) got married eight years ago, he wasn’t actively planning to take a second wife. But growing up in a peaceful polygamous home shaped how he saw the future. With his 50th birthday a few years away, he’s considering turning it into a double celebration by taking on a second wife.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about the impact of growing up in a polygamous home, how motherhood changed his wife, and why he believes taking a second wife is both religiously justified and personally necessary, even if it risks shaking the home he’s already built.
This is a look into Muusbau’s marriage diary.
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I grew up in a polygamous home, so I never saw it as a bad thing
My dad had two wives, and we were about seven kids, all living together. It was a noisy, lively house; sometimes too lively. I remember as a child saying to myself, “I don’t want this kind of jampacked home when I grow up.” But that was just a child’s mind talking.
As I got older, my perspective changed. For all the chaos, our home was peaceful. There was mutual respect, and my dad never treated our mums like rivals. In fact, many outsiders thought they were sisters. We, the children, also didn’t think of ourselves as “step” anything. We were just siblings.
My dad was also a devout Muslim who repeatedly reminded me that Islam permits up to four wives as long as you can love them equally and provide for them. Some people argue that equal love is impossible, but even now, I can’t say who he loved more between my mum and my stepmum. I didn’t grow up with any scars from that experience. It made me open to polygamy; not as an escape from boredom or conflict, but as a path to building a larger, more love-filled family.
We’ve both changed over the years, but my change scares her more
When I married eight years ago, I was convinced one wife was enough. At the time, I only wanted a quiet life: my wife, our two kids, and peace of mind. Polygamy was still a distant thought, something I might or might not pursue.
But over time, that changed. My career progressed, my finances stabilised, and something in me began to crave the life I grew up with. I remembered the warmth of a bustling household, the joy of many children playing together, and the love from two women creating a full home. Suddenly, that quiet life I once desired felt small.
My wife also changed, especially after she became a mother. She was one kind of partner before our first child and a completely different one after. The soft, playful woman I married became distant, easily irritated, sometimes even cold. I tried to be understanding. I didn’t expect her to bounce back overnight. But the tension deepened even when our second child came and we were supposed to have found our rhythm. Our home didn’t feel like a place of joy anymore. It felt like survival.
So when people talk about change in marriage, they often focus on behaviour. But I’ve realised it’s deeper. You and your spouse can evolve into entirely different people with entirely different visions for life, and you’re forced to figure out how to live with that.
The thought of a second wife has been there for years
This isn’t a new idea I’m springing on my wife. When we were dating, I told her I might consider polygamy. After we got married, I mentioned it again. She’s from a polygamous family herself, so I assumed the idea wouldn’t feel foreign. Still, I think she never believed I was serious because I didn’t act on it.
But now, as my 50th birthday approaches, I want to make that decision a reality. I’ve been dropping hints — gently at first, now more directly. Her reaction has been cold. She doesn’t want to talk about it. She acts like ignoring it will make it go away.
I know I don’t need her approval to make the decision. My faith permits it, and I’ve always lived by what is lawful and just. But I also know that this isn’t just about religion. It’s about trust and expectations. About how much a person can adapt to something they thought they’d never have to face.
She recently told one of my siblings, and he called me under the guise of small talk to probe. That annoyed me. We’ve always agreed not to involve third parties in our marriage, yet here we are. I confronted her, and we had one of the biggest arguments we’ve ever had; not because of the second wife conversation, but because of the betrayal of going outside our marriage to talk about it. If there’s one thing I take seriously, it’s privacy.
She’s still giving me the cold shoulder, but I’ve decided. It’ll be on my 50th birthday if I go through with it. I’ll think of it as a fresh chapter.
I didn’t feel like my wife’s husband anymore after she became a mother
Nobody warned me that marriage would feel loneliest when the house was full. During both of my wife’s pregnancies, I felt like an outsider. The woman I married disappeared into a fog of exhaustion, irritation and silence. I tried to be understanding, I really did. I didn’t run to complain to anyone because I already knew the advice: “Exercise patience. She just gave birth.”
So I did. But those months stretched out. She snapped at me, snapped at our first child, and the house wasn’t exactly what I’d describe as a happy place. There were days I’d come home from work and stay in the car for a few minutes to prepare myself emotionally. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s when the desire for a second wife really took root. Not because I was deprived of sex or food, but because I missed being seen and loved.
The second pregnancy was worse than the first. And maybe that’s why we never had a third child, I just couldn’t put myself through that again. I’ve forgiven her for those times, but they’ve left their mark.
If I could go back, I’d tell my younger self to take the second wife earlier
Marriage has taught me patience, responsibility, and the value of enduring love. I’m proud of how far we’ve come. In my younger days, I never chased women. If I approached and they said no, I walked away. But marriage isn’t like that. You don’t get to walk away. You commit, endure and grow together.
Still, if I could go back, I’d give my younger self a piece of advice: If you’re considering polygamy, don’t wait too long. Do it early enough that both wives come into your life around the same time. Build the family structure together, not in phases.
Right now, the idea of introducing someone new after eight years of a monogamous marriage feels heavy. But I’ve thought about it deeply, and I’m ready. Not because I want to escape my current wife, but because this is the life I envisioned long ago, and I want to live it before it’s too late.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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