Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, we’ll be going over the reviews of the app, Crowwe.

Adamu Garber is a dude best known for having the guts to threaten Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter, on Twitter. He also shamelessly tried to use the #EndSARS protests to promote his app, Crowwe. The app has been described as an instant messaging and financial transaction app that comes with an easy-to-activate digital wallet that helps you transfer and receive money while chatting with your loved ones.

You see, someone suggested that I do a review of Crowwe for fun (like we do in this series) and I thought it was a good idea. So I went to the app store to download it when I decided to check out the reviews. You guys, the reviews I saw had me like:

That is how the direction of this week’s instalment of “So You Don’t Have To” came to be about me sifting through the Croww app’s worst reviews and bringing you the funniest ones.

Let’s start with Bode, who thinks that the app’s logo looks like the logo for ISIS.

He also thinks the dashboard looks fraudulent. I laughed till I cried.

Oreoluwa calls the app a terrible knockoff of Twitter, Instagram, and WhatsApp with a picture quality so shitty that looking at it is like watching a snuff film on NTA.

She mentioned the picture quality twice so you know it’s really bad.

Austin is convinced that the app is lowkey being used to recruit members for terrorist organisations.


Igy says that the app turns phones into one of those hot stones they use for massages.

Or a literal time bomb.

Fache claims the app gave him a plethora of infectious diseases.

Even the Hantavirus???

Eunice says the app’s very existence is creating holes in the ozone layer.

Shoutout to Eunice for looking out for the environment.

Olalekan says that this app is the best way to have the EFCC knocking down your door.

It sets you up AND jails you? It really do be your own app.

According to Pelumi, the app looks like it was designed by a child.

This makes me imagine a sick Victorian-era child sitting in front of a computer and I am wheezing.

Precious says the app destroyed a transformer in his area.

My prayers go out to Precious in this (literal) dark time.

Bennette is upset that the app keeps attacking people with porn ads. Kinda like that one episode of Black Mirror starring Daniel Kaluuya.

Imagine using the app in public and a very loud ad for “Backdoor Sluts 9: Brianna’s Revenge” starts playing.

Chizor says that this app is responsible for giving President Buhari arthritis and destroying his ears.

Well, that one guy did claim that the antichrist will be an artificially intelligent robot. Could this app be that?

In the sea of negative reviews, I found a few good ones. Without commentary, here are 10 good reviews I found. See if you can spot a pattern.

Well, let me be going sha.

Stay jiggy.

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Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.