I Went Through The Reviews Of Adamu Garba’s Crowwe App So You Don’t Have To

October 30, 2020

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, we’ll be going over the reviews of the app, Crowwe.

Adamu Garber is a dude best known for having the guts to threaten Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter, on Twitter. He also shamelessly tried to use the #EndSARS protests to promote his app, Crowwe. The app has been described as an instant messaging and financial transaction app that comes with an easy-to-activate digital wallet that helps you transfer and receive money while chatting with your loved ones.

You see, someone suggested that I do a review of Crowwe for fun (like we do in this series) and I thought it was a good idea. So I went to the app store to download it when I decided to check out the reviews. You guys, the reviews I saw had me like:

That is how the direction of this week’s instalment of “So You Don’t Have To” came to be about me sifting through the Croww app’s worst reviews and bringing you the funniest ones.

Let’s start with Bode, who thinks that the app’s logo looks like the logo for ISIS.

He also thinks the dashboard looks fraudulent. I laughed till I cried.

Oreoluwa calls the app a terrible knockoff of Twitter, Instagram, and WhatsApp with a picture quality so shitty that looking at it is like watching a snuff film on NTA.

She mentioned the picture quality twice so you know it’s really bad.

Austin is convinced that the app is lowkey being used to recruit members for terrorist organisations.

Damn.

Igy says that the app turns phones into one of those hot stones they use for massages.

Or a literal time bomb.

Fache claims the app gave him a plethora of infectious diseases.

Even the Hantavirus???

Eunice says the app’s very existence is creating holes in the ozone layer.

Shoutout to Eunice for looking out for the environment.

Olalekan says that this app is the best way to have the EFCC knocking down your door.

It sets you up AND jails you? It really do be your own app.

According to Pelumi, the app looks like it was designed by a child.

This makes me imagine a sick Victorian-era child sitting in front of a computer and I am wheezing.

Precious says the app destroyed a transformer in his area.

My prayers go out to Precious in this (literal) dark time.

Bennette is upset that the app keeps attacking people with porn ads. Kinda like that one episode of Black Mirror starring Daniel Kaluuya.

Imagine using the app in public and a very loud ad for “Backdoor Sluts 9: Brianna’s Revenge” starts playing.

Chizor says that this app is responsible for giving President Buhari arthritis and destroying his ears.

Well, that one guy did claim that the antichrist will be an artificially intelligent robot. Could this app be that?

In the sea of negative reviews, I found a few good ones. Without commentary, here are 10 good reviews I found. See if you can spot a pattern.

Well, let me be going sha.

Stay jiggy.


Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

December 3, 2020

Don’t let their cuteness deceive you; kids are crackheads. They’ll do the weirdest shit and then when you catch them, they’ll start acting like they’ve been framed. If you want to save yourself a lot of cleaning and embarrassment, keep these seven things away from your kids. 1. Powder Children see powder and immediately think […]

December 3, 2020

On Sunday, November 30th, 2020, many Nigerians woke up to the sad news that over 43 rice farmers in communities near Borno State, Nigeria, had been killed by Boko Haram insurgents. While the government has claimed that Boko Haram has been “technically defeated”, the group continues to carry out terrorist attacks, especially in the northeastern […]

Recommended Quizzes

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X