I Went Through Weird Sex Toy Shops So You Don’t Have To

November 27, 2020

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be bringing you a few insane sex toys I found in the sex toy Internet rabbit hole I fell down last night.

I swear I can explain.

So a friend sent me this tweet yesterday:

A girl in the replies talked about how this unnecessary abomination reminds her of a home penis molding kit she once saw on sale at a sex shop. Because I found it hard believing that that’s an actual thing, I went a-googling and found it…along with many other things I’m now going to share with you all because I can’t be mentally scarred by myself.

It’s going to be a weirdly sexy ride.


The Chocolate Asshole

Do you want to get your significant other a gift but can’t think of anything? You should consider getting them a box of edible anuses.

Yes. For a small fee, you can get miniature chocolate replicas of your asshole for your significant other (or anyone else) to enjoy when they can’t be physically present to chew on your anus.

Deep Throat Oral Spray

If your pesky gag reflex is keeping you from delivering unforgettable blow jobs, this product is the thing for you. According to the description on Amazon, spraying this in your mouth numbs the back throat, allowing you, as the name suggests, to deep throat anything from your toothbrush to the penis of that person you keep hooking up with in the bathroom of Ikeja City Mall because neither one of you can host.

The Penis Molding Kit

For when only that special penis will do. If a penis you consider special happens to belong to someone you’re not dating or can’t hook up with as frequently as you want, just show up at their door and beg them to do this so you’ll never bother them again. Everybody wins.

The Fuckable Brain

This sex toy is exactly what you think it is. A squishy brain with a hole in the back you can stick your penis in on those days when your inner sapiosexual takes over. Personally, I think this toy is scary as shit. Then again, it sold out in Japan so what do I even know?

The Electroshock Stimulation Kit

For those who love a side of electrocution with their fornication. God airpus.

The Fuckable Foot

I feel like the makers of this set out to make a sex toy for people with a foot fetish but ended up making something for people who fantasise about fucking severed feet. This shit looks too much like a real foot. All the people who’ve purchased this should be on the FBI’s watchlist.

The Zombie Fleshlight/Dildo Combo

Everyone knows that there’s nothing better than a teeth-heavy blowjob. Also, it’s a known fact that people go crazy for penises that look like rotten sausage.

The Alien Sex Blow-Up Doll

I can’t prove it but I just know the three-breasted prostitute in ‘Total Recall’ inspired this.

The Tongue-tacle

How does this even work? It’s just a tangled mass of disembodied tongue. Hian.

Finally, we have The Fuckable Ear

Penises (no matter how tiny) can’t fit in ear canals and ejaculating into someone’s ear would probably leave them with a gross ear infection so I don’t even understand this.

Me after seeing all these things:

I Read One Of Those Old Text Message Books So You Don’t Have To


Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

January 21, 2021

Being an Airbnb host means having to interact with different kinds of people, some great, others unsavoury. I spoke to four Airbnb hosts about their experiences and how they coped during the pandemic. Arike Being an Airbnb host in Nigeria is quite an interesting experience. Many times, we have great guests who aren’t a bother. […]

Recommended Quizzes

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X