I Went Through Weird Sex Toy Shops So You Don’t Have To

November 27, 2020

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be bringing you a few insane sex toys I found in the sex toy Internet rabbit hole I fell down last night.

I swear I can explain.

So a friend sent me this tweet yesterday:

A girl in the replies talked about how this unnecessary abomination reminds her of a home penis molding kit she once saw on sale at a sex shop. Because I found it hard believing that that’s an actual thing, I went a-googling and found it…along with many other things I’m now going to share with you all because I can’t be mentally scarred by myself.

It’s going to be a weirdly sexy ride.

The Chocolate Asshole

Do you want to get your significant other a gift but can’t think of anything? You should consider getting them a box of edible anuses.

Yes. For a small fee, you can get miniature chocolate replicas of your asshole for your significant other (or anyone else) to enjoy when they can’t be physically present to chew on your anus.

Deep Throat Oral Spray

If your pesky gag reflex is keeping you from delivering unforgettable blow jobs, this product is the thing for you. According to the description on Amazon, spraying this in your mouth numbs the back throat, allowing you, as the name suggests, to deep throat anything from your toothbrush to the penis of that person you keep hooking up with in the bathroom of Ikeja City Mall because neither one of you can host.

The Penis Molding Kit

For when only that special penis will do. If a penis you consider special happens to belong to someone you’re not dating or can’t hook up with as frequently as you want, just show up at their door and beg them to do this so you’ll never bother them again. Everybody wins.

The Fuckable Brain

This sex toy is exactly what you think it is. A squishy brain with a hole in the back you can stick your penis in on those days when your inner sapiosexual takes over. Personally, I think this toy is scary as shit. Then again, it sold out in Japan so what do I even know?

The Electroshock Stimulation Kit

For those who love a side of electrocution with their fornication. God airpus.

The Fuckable Foot

I feel like the makers of this set out to make a sex toy for people with a foot fetish but ended up making something for people who fantasise about fucking severed feet. This shit looks too much like a real foot. All the people who’ve purchased this should be on the FBI’s watchlist.

The Zombie Fleshlight/Dildo Combo

Everyone knows that there’s nothing better than a teeth-heavy blowjob. Also, it’s a known fact that people go crazy for penises that look like rotten sausage.

The Alien Sex Blow-Up Doll

I can’t prove it but I just know the three-breasted prostitute in ‘Total Recall’ inspired this.

The Tongue-tacle

How does this even work? It’s just a tangled mass of disembodied tongue. Hian.

Finally, we have The Fuckable Ear

Penises (no matter how tiny) can’t fit in ear canals and ejaculating into someone’s ear would probably leave them with a gross ear infection so I don’t even understand this.

Me after seeing all these things:

I Read One Of Those Old Text Message Books So You Don’t Have To

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