The Nigerian government has banned Twitter in Nigeria, and of course, it looks like Adamu Garba’s time to aggressively market Crowwe has come. Nigerians are officially experiencing a pandemic in the middle of a pandemic.
Today on Interview With, we sat with the Twitter Bird to hear what it has to say concerning the whole brouhaha.
Zikoko: Hello, it’s good to have you here.
Twitter Bird: Is it though?
Isn’t it? Omo, you better collect the accolades you can get.
Twitter Bird: And why should I? Besides, what accolades are you even speaking of?
You are a celebrity in your own small way oh. An ordinary bird that is capable of throwing the entire presidency into chaos.
Twitter Bird: If Lai Mohammed or Bashir Ahmad find out I am here, I have every reason to believe they will have me caged. But that is their own problem. Me I know why the caged bird sings.
Come through Maya Angelou!
Twitter Bird: *chirp chip*
That is if Adamu Garba does not come after you with a catapult first.
Twitter Bird: But whatever did I do to Adamu Garba? Why won’t he leave me be? First, he came for Jack, but he received no response. That was pathetic to watch. A grown man with a wife and children, orchestrating a lawsuit, giving press conferences and threatening someone who barely has his time. This is giving Piers Morgan vs Meghan Markle energy, but this time Adamu Garba is Piers Morgan and Jack Dorsey is Meghan Markle. I imagine Adamu Garba will throw a fit when he hears Jack Dorsey is getting married…
I don’t get it though. Is it by force? And is he not ashamed of fighting with shadows? I wanted to deploy the Association of Angry Birds, Nigerian branch, to fight him, but Jack said I should chill.
Wait oh. There’s an Association of Angry Birds?
Twitter Bird: Why did you think the Remembrance Day pigeons that Buhari released refused to fly?
Ah, so that was you!
Twitter Bird: We do what little we can.
But do you really think you are spoiling Adamu Garba’s market though?
Twitter Bird: Tell Adamu Garba to rest. Even if I was not in the picture, that market is already spoilt. How can you call an app Crowwe? Did fancy names go out of existence? I mean, judge it too. There is Instagram—such a chic name. There is Twitter, so reasonable. Facebook, so appealing. But Crowwe? Crowwe?? Did he get his inspiration from a tin of Three Crowns milk?
Haba nau. Are you saying Adamu Garba is incapable of…
Twitter Bird: The facts speak for themselves. He copied Spotify’s Terms and Conditions. Listen, that man’s biological make-up is missing one key ingredient and that is Vitamin S.
What is Vitamin S?
Ah! Talk small-small oh. Don’t let Zikoko use employee salary to pay bail.
Twitter Bird: They should use it to buy a power bank so you can charge your phone properly. Isn’t the VPN draining your battery?
* deep exhausted negro sigh *
Twitter Bird: Don’t worry, your leaders are using VPN too.
Ehn? Come again.
Twitter Bird: Should I show you proof?
Twitter Bird: Why are you shocked? Your leaders will ban something publicly but will go and enjoy it in private. Wasn’t the Kano Hisbah leader allegedly caught committing adultery? The same man who banned alcohol.
Omo, that one was a slip of penis.
Twitter Bird: And how about the Malami who said he would prosecute anyone found using Twitter but also accessed Twitter with a VPN? What would you call that, a slip of location?
You don’t mean it.
Twitter Bird: He even has a crypto app. Hasn’t Emefiele banned crypto? See, all the government officials who deactivated their accounts will come back.
Hmm. Don’t be too sure oh. Our leaders are talk and do.
Twitter Bird: Of course they are talk and do, even though they say foolish things and do equally foolish things. Anyway, wait until it is time for them to beg for ventilators from the US. Just wait and see how their Twitter accounts will magically reappear.
You this bird, you have a bad mouth. Ahan! Must you say everything?
Twitter Bird: I see a lot of Nigerians hoping for a giveaway. Frankly, I don’t blame them. Your leaders have laid a good example. If they can beg for ventilator giveaway, why should their citizens not expect giveaways too?
Train up a child in the way he should go and when he grows he shall not depart from it.
Oya come and be going. I cannot stay here and watch you insult my people.
Twitter Bird: I’ll go. But tell your government that they cannot shut me down and expect me not to talk. I will #KeepItOn.
Oh and tell Lai Mohammed that his own day of reckoning is coming.
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