Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

March 5, 2021

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.


After last week’s romantic interview with Lagos and Traffic, today’s interview is more of a learning session. My subject is the amazing Turning Stick. Yes, you know the Turning Stick, but do you really know him?

We spoke about his main job and side hustle, as well as the annoying way Nigerian mothers use him against their children. The Turning Stick has really witnessed a lot, and this interview will show you just how much.

Zikoko: Thank you so much for speaking with me today.

Turning Stick: Thank you for having me.

So tell me, did you choose this life?

I think it chose me. When you are fashioned out of wood and given a name like ‘Turning Stick,‘ your prospects are limited. I can’t dress up today and say I want to go and work at PiggyVest.

I have resigned myself to my job as a household item. That has made all the difference.

How is life as a household item?

It depends.

On what?

The kind of household I find myself in — what they eat, how much they eat, things like that. My work in a small household can be to just make Eba, turn Amala or Semo [gags], and maybe Jollof rice on Sunday.

If I’m in a larger household, I know I have to be a part of party preparations and all those kinds of events.

Do you enjoy it?

Asides from dipping my precious head inside that nasty thing called Semo?

Semo needs to be sent into the evil forest at this point.

That thing is cursed. I only enjoy working with Eba and Amala.

*Sigh*

But back to your question, I actually enjoy being a household item. It is safer. There is no chance that the Nigerian police can pick me up or collect bribes from me.

Until the government creates a law that all household items have to start paying tax.

I hope that the family I live with would have moved to Canada by then.

Screaming.

For many people, I am just an ordinary stick. Nothing more. They don’t even pay me serious attention. This is why, when they discover my pleasurable side by mistake, they realise that I have range.

Err. What pleasurable side?

Say, for example, someone smacks you with me, and you moan instead of crying out in pain.

Wait, that happens?

Oh yes. That’s the reason one man and his babe promoted me from kitchen equipment to bedroom appliance. They were playing together in the kitchen, and he said something funny, so she smacked him.

And he moaned…

Yes.

Omo.

At that moment, it dawned on both of them that they had been underestimating me. I was just smiling because they finally unlocked a part of me they should have discovered a long time ago.

Wow.

The pleasure part is my side hustle. Food is the main job, and on the side, I supply pleasure to those who desire it.

And how have you been finding a balance?

I draw clear boundaries. Kitchen time is different from bedroom time, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Humans have needs, and so some people might employ me for pleasure immediately after making Eba.

Don’t you get tired?

I do, but as I said, when you are fashioned from wood and given the name Turning Stick, your life’s purpose is already defined. You can’t deviate. But for real, I am doing fine.

What I just don’t like is when people use me as a weapon of war.

As how?

Go and ask Nigerian mothers now. They are the ones who usually bring me into their crazy punishment schemes. Like, yes, your child offended you. Talk to them or something, but no.

If they have not used me on that child, they will not rest.

Oh dear.

Organise a census of people who have been hit by a turning stick in this life, and you’ll see what I mean. The people who have been hit by a turning stick are more than those who have not.

And those ones who have not been hit will still taste it. It’s almost like a rite of passage at this point. Like, if you are born in Nigeria, you’ll certainly receive a dose of me before you turn 20.

It’s like breakfast. Everybody will surely eat it. The timing might just be different.

I received mine for the first time at the age of 8…

Oho.

Apparently, I have eaten my own breakfast.

For real, I am sick of being a part of this violence. I want to tell Nigerian mothers, don’t use me to do your dirty work! Face your problems like a reasonable human being.

Don’t look at me and decide, “Hmm. Retire small from turning Eba, come and flog my child for me.” Don’t take advantage of how thick I am and decide that you will take me to your debtor’s house to threaten them.

Ah, that also happens?

See, if you know what my eyes have seen in the hands of Nigerians. If you know! Where do I even want to start from? Too many stories. One time, I was owned by this woman who carried me to fight her husband’s mistress.

Excuse me?

I didn’t even know at first. I woke up and saw that I was in a handbag, so I said, “Toh, maybe I am going for a party job or someone is taking me for my side hustle of pleasure.”

Only for you to get down and see something else…

I was just angry. In my mind, I thought, “Madam, foolish your foolish in peace, but next time don’t involve me. Like, your husband is right there. Why not apply me to his head and watch me perform?'”

I thought you said you don’t like fight?

That one is a fight for justice. Not the one you’ll use me to destabilise a defenceless child. I might be a turning stick, but I have morals and take justice very seriously.

Wow.

My personal philosophy is this: there may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. This interview is my act of protest.

You inspire me a lot.

Thank you, I’m flattered.

Do you have any final words for the readers?

I am a preacher of love. I feed you and can assist you in the journey to an orgasm, but I draw the line at violence. Especially violence to children. I am not a man of war and I will never be.

Use me to turn Fufu, Semo, Garri or whatever. Just don’t use me to turn the waters of violence. It is that one that will vex me.


Check back every Friday by 9am for new stories in the Interview With… series. Read older interviews here.

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Kunle Ologunro

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

April 24, 2020

The rise of new Nollywood has brought with it a host of exciting new stars like Adesua Etomi, Enyinna Nwigwe and many more. However, one star who never seems to get the due they deserve is the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge. Vey few Nollywood performers are as relentless and as hard-working as the bridge, who, without any […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

April 20, 2021

Engineering is an interesting course to study, especially when you are a curious, intelligent and handsy person. Nonetheless, the course would stress you and give you occasional sleepless nights. Here’s a list of things that you will be able to relate to if you studied engineering at a Nigerian University. 1.Knowing the content of  K. […]

April 20, 2021

Do you want to win the heart of an Ibadan person? You have come to the right place. We will tell you everything you need to know, so that by the time you’re done reading this article, you would be ready to land your Ibadan lover. 1. Buy them amala from Amala Skye Remember the […]

April 20, 2021

Weddings are definitely a big deal in Nigeria. It’s not unusual to see couples and their families go all out on throwing the best wedding party they could afford. So I thought it would be great to speak to a couple of Nigerians and have a conversation about how much they spent on their weddings. […]

Recommended Quizzes

October 30, 2019

Kemi Adetiba’s King of Boys movie got a lot of things right, especially casting, so yes, it was a monster hit. Now, we know you may not have put much thought to this, but the personalities of some of the characters closely match yours, and we would like to help you find the perfect match. […]

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

More from Interview With...

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X