How To Make Your Destiny Helper Locate You Before 7 Days

March 3, 2021

This Nigeria is hard. When you don’t have a destiny helper, it can even be harder. But why should it be difficult when you have us here to give you advice? This post is split into three categories. Side A will take longer than 7 days. Side B, maybe not as long. You see Side C? E dey work pass anything.

SIDE A: Labour Over Favour.

1. Be overly polite to everybody.

In fact, allow yourself to collect insult but don’t insult them back oh. What if you mistakenly insult your destiny helper? So, swallow the insults with a polite smile. One day, somebody will walk to you and say, “You are so polite. That’s why I’ve decided to help your destiny.” Just like that, you’ve gone from grass to grace.

2. Work for free.

After like 6 months of backbreaking labour, the alarm of your destiny helper will ring and they will find you, a hardworking human being, ready to be elevated into greatness. Don’t falter.

SIDE B: Favour over Labour.

1. Gather all the names of the rich people you know.

Your boss oh, Dangote oh, that rich man in the area oh, gather all of them. Think of it as choosing a suitor from the many available prospects. When you have gathered the names, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Your prayer point? “Lord, don’t let these people know peace until they locate me and help my destiny.”

If they don’t declare you wanted in 3 days, my name is not Kunle.

SIDE C: The Violent Taketh It By Force.

1. Pick a target.

I suggest Dangote. If he has money for Snoopalicious, then he should have money to finance your destiny.

2. Announce it openly on social media.

Here’s a suggestion: DEAR DANGOTE, I [insert your name] HAVE PICKED YOU TO BE MY DESTINY HELPER. I GIVE YOU 7 DAYS TO LOCATE ME AND BEGIN YOUR DIVINE ASSIGNMENT ON MY DESTINY. YOU CAN REACH ME ON [insert phone number]. I EXPECT YOUR CALL.

3. Run sponsored ads.

NURTW 'menthol' banner sparks hilarious Twitter reactions - WuzupNigeria

Put it in a newspaper, on blogs and websites. Closed mouths don’t get fed and you need Dangote (or whoever you chose) to find you and begin work immediately.

4. While you wait, quit your job.

Your destiny helper must not find you working. Work-wise, be in a state of tabula rasa. That way they can use money and connection to rewrite your detiny.

5. If, after 7 days, you don’t hear back, threaten him.

iya-gbonkan | Zikoko!

Again, same message but now angry: DANGOTE, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. CONTACT ME NOW OR THIS NIGERIA WILL NOT CONTAIN THE TWO OF US.

6. If you still do not hear back, pack your load and move into his house.

Image

If Dangote will not go and meet the mountain, then the mountain will go to Dangote. That place is your promised land. Claim it!

7. They’ll probably bundle you out and lock you up.

Image result for nigerian guy arrested for tattoos

But rejoice. Joesph was in prison when he met his destiny helper. Why will your own case be different?

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Kunle Ologunro

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

April 19, 2021

There’s always that one thing you can beat your chest about even if all else fails. It is your unique selling point or distinguishing factor as an individual wherever you go, ak.a your flex. This quiz will reveal what yours is. Dive in.

April 19, 2021

We all have things that we do that make us feel just a little bit guilty. These six Nigerian women share with us what their guilty pleasures are. Bola, 25 Pringles. I love pringles so much. In school, I used to set money aside from my allowance to buy Pringles. It was even a part […]

April 19, 2021

People (and by people I mean strangers on the internet) are often quick to say “Nigerian men and women were made for each other. I decided to confirm if this match was made in heaven or Nigerian men were better suited to others. I asked six Nigerian men about their romantic experiences with non-Nigerians. Here’s […]

April 19, 2021

Mummy, daddy, uncle and aunty, we shall not be beating around the bush. Here is a list of things you do that we do not appreciate and we think you need to stop doing them.  T for Thanks. 1. Sending Whatsapp broadcasts (a.k.a forwarded many times) Please, make it stop. The broadcasts are always so […]

April 19, 2021

Bras are one of the most unnecessary things on earth. They dig into your skin, leave marks on your shoulder, and are just downright uncomfortable especially if you have bigger breasts. Now, because we all hate bras, here are some alternatives. 1) Nylon We are all about recycling and taking better care of the environment, […]

Recommended Quizzes

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

November 30, 2019

With No Nut November FINALLY coming to an end, we’ve decided to mark the torturous month with some more horny content. After quizzes that guessed how many people you’ve slept with, how good you are in bed and who you’ll sleep with next, this one will guess when next you’ll get lucky. Take it to […]

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

More from Inside Life

April 19, 2021

Mummy, daddy, uncle and aunty, we shall not be beating around the bush. Here is a list of things you do that we do not appreciate and we think you need to stop doing them.  T for Thanks. 1. Sending Whatsapp broadcasts (a.k.a forwarded many times) Please, make it stop. The broadcasts are always so […]

April 17, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old gay man whose sexual addiction ruined his three-year relationship. He talks about how the end of his relationship made him realise he has […]

April 16, 2021

Queue to withdraw your own money, buy food, do your laundry, pay bills and even collect change. Why all this? You could be channeling that time into securing the bag. *Squeezes face* 1. Disrupts your plans Don’t bother accepting invitations anywhere, because by the time it gets to your turn on long queues, the event […]

April 16, 2021

A year from its initial cancellation, Euro 2020 is finally back. The clock is ticking for this summer’s delayed festival of football, and it’s a first in that it’s had a 12-month deferral. Much changed in the time between, and stadiums across Europe are now under pressure to consider how to proceed. The fact is […]

April 15, 2021

Elsa Majimbo is a 19-year-old old comedian, celebrity and internet sensation who came to the limelight by making very funny and relatable content on her Instagram page. We’ll have typically begged her to cut soap for us, but where’s the fun in that when we can just blow like her. Here’s a list of very […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X