From the stables of our Women are Funny Campaign, we bring you hilarious stories inspired by women’s posts on FK’s internet.
This week’s story was inspired by this tweet about our very own Nigerian Wonder Woman:
When Mummy Anita left that morning, it was with the promise to do kia kia so that Josephina can return from whence she came.
That was five hours ago.
Josephina didn’t want to be in this shop that was obviously competing with the whole of Lagos for the hottest place on earth.
She could think of a million other ways to spend her time, like picking beans, roaming the streets or dancing on one of those activation trucks.
She couldn’t dance, she hated beans, and the mere thought of breaking her back and acting like they were binding and casting demonic forces from her body was as unappealing as the pepper soup her neighbour had made the day before. Josephina begged her for the soup in the first place, and had returned an empty bowl, but that wasn’t the point.
The point was Mummy Anita had 30 more minutes to return to her shop before Josephina’s own mummy would come looking for her.
Josephina had spent two extra hours counting tins of milk and Milo before she realised Bobrisky was right, “Good girl no dey pay.”
She’d started packing things up at the back of the shop when she heard the first sound.
Josephina knew it wasn’t what she thought it was.
But there the sound was again.
Josephina reached behind her and grabbed the stick she remembered seeing there. She knew what it was — a rat, a pesky little rat — but this wasn’t her first rodeo. Her mother called her ogbuoke, the killer of rats.
She was the one they called when they heard rats moving around in the kitchen or saw them flying about the compound. Her father thought it’d be easier to get a dog or cat to deal with their rat issue, once and for all. Josephina considered that an insult. She took her job very seriously, which is why when she heard the third noise, she knew it was time to swing into action.
Josephina tiptoed out the back eyes closed.
She swung the stick at it, HARD, but the sound she heard was definitely not from a rat.
Josephina opened her eyes.
Yes, definitely not a rat. Josephina was staring at a full-grown man clutching his head, a bag overflowing with provisions from the shop over his shoulder.
Josephina didn’t need to be told twice; this was what she’d been training for, long nights creeping behind rats, and this was it, her time to shine.
She hit the man again, and as he bent forward, she threw a wrapper over his head and pounced on him.
Josephina sat on his back, grabbed one of the ropes for sale, unravelling it and tying the unknown man like a rotisserie chicken.
Then she picked her stick off the floor and stood on him like the conqueror of the new world.
Mummy Anita: Josephina. Josephina. Josephina!
Josephina jumped out of her seat, looking around the shop, trying to wipe the sleep out of her eyes.
Mummy Anita: Hope nothing.
Josephina: Ma?
Mummy Anita: Come dey go.
Josephina walked out of the shop groggily.
Mummy Anita: Thank you, ehn?
Josephina stood in front of the shop, looking around.
Josephina: Na dream?
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