Money Rituals Aren’t All Bad … Or Are They?

January 17, 2019

On the ‘Save dat money’ episode of our awesome show- Nigerians Talk -which you can catch below (you’re welcome), we asked the crew how much money they needed for ultimate flex-ation and how they could make said amount.

A cast member, who you’ll find out if you haven’t seen it, joked that money ritual might be the only way to make the kind of money they’re looking for. And if Instablog is anything to go by, blood money has been looking like the way to go for a little bit now.

As it is now, it looks like Magas are taking too long to pay. So Nigerians, completely forgetting about these little things called jobs, are looking for the next best way to stunt on Instagram and caption hashtag blessed on their pictures. To do this, they’re resorting to yahoo plus, aka blood money, aka money ritual.

We don’t exactly know the specifics of how these things work, and nobody should ask us pls, pls. But we’re just wondering why money rituals are so hot right now? Why are grown men taking their baths on Lekki-expressway like they’re back in boarding school, avoiding the regular toilets? We decided to investigate the pros and cons of these here rituals.

The Pros of Doing Money Rituals

To get this, we factored in the ease of doing business — like the difficulties of maneuvering buses filled with sleeping people around busy streets, the returns on investments amongst other things. And try as we did, we just couldn’t find a single justification. Why on earth would you think turning a human being, who like you — wants to flex and enjoy this life, into a Ghana-must-go of dollars is a good idea? Daz not good dear, stop it.

The Cons of Doing Money Rituals

These ones full ground.

For one thing, you people are stressing my life. At my big age, I now have to inform my parents at least 4 business days before any outing, because they have to vet if my destination is money ritual prone or no. Do you see how you’re affecting my baby girl lifestyle? Please let’s not!

People need their destinies too, okay?

No be only you wan blow. If everyone decided ‘Get Rich or Kill Everybody Trying’ was their motto in life as well, we really wouldn’t have anyone alive to witness all the Instagram stunting. Plus, can somebody show workings as to how destinies translate to actual money with CBN numbers? I’m actually intrigued.

Forget any surprise deliveries from your girlfriend.

Just cancel Valentine’s Day gifts at the office from your wishlist. Your girlfriend definitely won’t know what part of the bush you carry out your transactions, and good luck directing any delivery guy to the third bush-path from the left, with the red blood and five skulls on the ground.

All That Traffic!

You think mainland to island traffic is stress? Getting to work will be a real bitch. Try remembering the right way to the secret meeting bushpath, that’s constantly changing because you’re trying to keep the chase nice and spicy for the police.

Plus, They’re Still Working Out The Kinks

So we don’t know the full gist on this one, but it’s like some Babas don’t give out the full manual or guys just aren’t hearing word. There have been one or 2 instances of people running mad, stabbing themselves or doing other crazy shit because of rituals backfiring. But if you have the mind for it, do you boo. (But really, don’t)

Think About Your Mommy.

Imagine her surprise when you get caught and she finds out the reason you get home late or are always gone weekends isn’t because your boss from the bank is working you too hard. Instead, she’ll be exposed to the fact that you preferred making pimp-cups out of human heads when you could have gotten a regular job like everyone else. Don’t break her heart, okay?

Anyway, we’ve said our own. You decide what path you want to take. We just want you to know, if you think Lagos’ sun is hot, how hell fire go be?

Boyin Plumptre

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