Money Rituals Aren’t All Bad … Or Are They?

January 17, 2019

On the ‘Save dat money’ episode of our awesome show- Nigerians Talk -which you can catch below (you’re welcome), we asked the crew how much money they needed for ultimate flex-ation and how they could make said amount.

A cast member, who you’ll find out if you haven’t seen it, joked that money ritual might be the only way to make the kind of money they’re looking for. And if Instablog is anything to go by, blood money has been looking like the way to go for a little bit now.

As it is now, it looks like Magas are taking too long to pay. So Nigerians, completely forgetting about these little things called jobs, are looking for the next best way to stunt on Instagram and caption hashtag blessed on their pictures. To do this, they’re resorting to yahoo plus, aka blood money, aka money ritual.

We don’t exactly know the specifics of how these things work, and nobody should ask us pls, pls. But we’re just wondering why money rituals are so hot right now? Why are grown men taking their baths on Lekki-expressway like they’re back in boarding school, avoiding the regular toilets? We decided to investigate the pros and cons of these here rituals.

The Pros of Doing Money Rituals

To get this, we factored in the ease of doing business — like the difficulties of maneuvering buses filled with sleeping people around busy streets, the returns on investments amongst other things. And try as we did, we just couldn’t find a single justification. Why on earth would you think turning a human being, who like you — wants to flex and enjoy this life, into a Ghana-must-go of dollars is a good idea? Daz not good dear, stop it.

The Cons of Doing Money Rituals

These ones full ground.

For one thing, you people are stressing my life. At my big age, I now have to inform my parents at least 4 business days before any outing, because they have to vet if my destination is money ritual prone or no. Do you see how you’re affecting my baby girl lifestyle? Please let’s not!

People need their destinies too, okay?

No be only you wan blow. If everyone decided ‘Get Rich or Kill Everybody Trying’ was their motto in life as well, we really wouldn’t have anyone alive to witness all the Instagram stunting. Plus, can somebody show workings as to how destinies translate to actual money with CBN numbers? I’m actually intrigued.

Forget any surprise deliveries from your girlfriend.

Just cancel Valentine’s Day gifts at the office from your wishlist. Your girlfriend definitely won’t know what part of the bush you carry out your transactions, and good luck directing any delivery guy to the third bush-path from the left, with the red blood and five skulls on the ground.

All That Traffic!

You think mainland to island traffic is stress? Getting to work will be a real bitch. Try remembering the right way to the secret meeting bushpath, that’s constantly changing because you’re trying to keep the chase nice and spicy for the police.

Plus, They’re Still Working Out The Kinks

So we don’t know the full gist on this one, but it’s like some Babas don’t give out the full manual or guys just aren’t hearing word. There have been one or 2 instances of people running mad, stabbing themselves or doing other crazy shit because of rituals backfiring. But if you have the mind for it, do you boo. (But really, don’t)

Think About Your Mommy.

Imagine her surprise when you get caught and she finds out the reason you get home late or are always gone weekends isn’t because your boss from the bank is working you too hard. Instead, she’ll be exposed to the fact that you preferred making pimp-cups out of human heads when you could have gotten a regular job like everyone else. Don’t break her heart, okay?

Anyway, we’ve said our own. You decide what path you want to take. We just want you to know, if you think Lagos’ sun is hot, how hell fire go be?

Boyin Plumptre

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this


Now on Zikoko

Cross River by-election
November 27, 2020

There will be by-elections in Cross River and some states other in Nigeria on December 5, 2020, and we’re counting down to the elections. We have written about everything you need to know about the by-elections and all the candidates in the Bayelsa West and Central Senatorial by-election. In Cross River state, the death of […]

November 27, 2020

Women are often overlooked in conversations about marital infidelity, thanks to the notion that women aren’t very inclined to cheat on their spouses. I spoke to six married women who have had relationships without their husbands’ knowledge. They had some pretty interesting stories. Editorial note: This article was updated to include Chidinma’s entry which was […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 19, 2019

Regardless of what society has tried to tell us, enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of. So, in a bid to celebrate our generation’s sexual agency, we’ve created a quiz that will accurately (again, keep your complaints to yourself) infer how many people you’ve spelt with. Try it out: 11 Quizzes For The […]

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

More from Citizen

Cross River by-election
November 27, 2020

There will be by-elections in Cross River and some states other in Nigeria on December 5, 2020, and we’re counting down to the elections. We have written about everything you need to know about the by-elections and all the candidates in the Bayelsa West and Central Senatorial by-election. In Cross River state, the death of […]

bayelsa by-election
November 26, 2020

A few weeks, ago we wrote about the by-elections that will be taking place on December 5, 2020, including the most important things you need to know. In addition to that, we will be writing about the candidates in the Bayelsa West and Bayelsa Central senatorial by-elections. This is because it is important for you […]

UK Sanctions Nigeria
November 24, 2020

Yesterday, November 24th 2020, the UK parliament, at the Westminister Hall debated e-petition 554150, relating to Nigeria and the sanctions regime. The debate was led by Theresa Villiers MP, and it suggested sanctions for members of the Nigerian Government and police officers who have been involved in human rights abuses. The parliamentary debate has generated […]

Nigeria recession
November 23, 2020

Recession, palliative, ad-hoc committee, ultra-modern, bistro — you can’t claim to be a Nigerian if you’ve never heard these words. They are so popular, we wrote about them. Speaking of recession, on Saturday, November 22nd, 2020, the Nigerian Bureau of Statistics reported that Nigeria’s GDP (Gross Domestic Product) reduced by 3.62% from September to October […]

November 19, 2020

The Nigerian police is ranked as one of the worst in the world, and the Nigerian society is notable for widespread human rights abuses. In your house or outside it, you’re always a moment away from having your rights abused by the police in Nigeria. After the #EndSARS protests, the Nigerian police have ramped up […]

CNN Lekki
November 18, 2020

Some Nigerians were still rolling in their bed this morning, trying to pick up pieces of their lives after the Lekki Massacre, when CNN Africa sent shockwaves through Nigeria’s part of the Internet.  In a brilliant collation of all the videos that have trended over the #LekkiMassacre, mixed with excellent investigative reportage that made use […]

Eromosele Adene
November 17, 2020

If you don’t know about Eromosle “Eromz” Adene’s case, well you should. The arrest of the 27-year old musician and philanthropist has generated a lot of controversy across social media, with opinions and counter opinions on how horrible the Nigerian society is, and why the Nigerian government cannot keep abusing human rights while getting away […]

Local government in Nigeria
November 16, 2020

A local government is an important part of governance in Nigeria. Local governments supplement the work of the federal government and the 36 state governments by administering a particular area. However, many Nigerians always complain about the federal government and state governments while ignoring that there is also a local government. In fact, if many […]


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.