So you’re seeing someone new, and to impress them, you want to do something you see oyinbo people do in movies. You want to wake up before them, cook, and present the food to them in bed. No problem. What’s the worst that could happen?
Before you attempt this caucasian display of affection, let’s talk about all the possible ways serving your love breakfast in bed can go south. You can decide, after reading this, if you still want to cook for someone that’s still sleeping and technically didn’t send you message.
First of all, making breakfast in bed for someone means you’re in love. That’s where the problem starts.
A whole hard guy/gyal like you, waking up early to go slave away in the kitchen so another person can eat? Things are not adding up. It’s at this point you should pack your bags and run away. Don’t even leave a message. Love is for the weak, and you shouldn’t feel it for anyone.
What if you’ve planned to make them breakfast, but they kick you out by 4 a.m?
Remember that gist on the TL where people were saying that if someone came to their house to commit fornication, they’d chase them out before the sun rises? What if that’s the person you want to make breakfast for? May God protect our steppings.
What if gas finishes when you’re cooking?
Think about it. You’re up by 4:30 a.m. making food because you’re meant to leave home by 5 a.m. to avoid Lagos traffic on your way to work. Suddenly, gas finishes because you don’t have The Lord’s Chosen sticker on your cylinder. What will you do? Give them half-cooked rice?
What if the food pours on the stairs?
Imagine you’ve made pancakes with bacon, eggs, syrup and baked beans, and you miss a step on your way up to the room. Now you’re lying on the stairs covered in baked beans and wondering who sent you message.
What if they appreciate you by calling the wrong name?
“Oh wow, this is so sweet. Thank you, Femi.”
You, a man named Ndubuisi, wondering when you became Yoruba:
What if you trigger their mummy issues and they begin to cry?
POV: You wake someone up with a lovely tray of Golden Morn and stew, but they burst into tears because no one has ever done something so nice for them. They finish crying, eat the meal and break up with you because they now see you as a parental figure, not a romantic partner.
What if you pour hot tea on their face?
Last last, you’ll just say it’s part of the surprise.
What if you cook rubbish?
We’re not saying you’re a terrible cook o. But what if you unknowingly put too much salt in their tea, and when they taste it, they spit it out because salt shouldn’t be in tea and tell you to get the fuck out of their house before you give them a heart attack? What would you do then?