All the Ways Breakfast in Bed Can Go Horribly Wrong

May 18, 2022

So you’re seeing someone new, and to impress them, you want to do something you see oyinbo people do in movies. You want to wake up before them, cook, and present the food to them in bed. No problem. What’s the worst that could happen?

Everything.

Before you attempt this caucasian display of affection, let’s talk about all the possible ways serving your love breakfast in bed can go south. You can decide, after reading this, if you still want to cook for someone that’s still sleeping and technically didn’t send you message.

First of all, making breakfast in bed for someone means you’re in love. That’s where the problem starts.

A whole hard guy/gyal like you, waking up early to go slave away in the kitchen so another person can eat? Things are not adding up. It’s at this point you should pack your bags and run away. Don’t even leave a message. Love is for the weak, and you shouldn’t feel it for anyone.

What if you’ve planned to make them breakfast, but they kick you out by 4 a.m?

Remember that gist on the TL where people were saying that if someone came to their house to commit fornication, they’d chase them out before the sun rises? What if that’s the person you want to make breakfast for? May God protect our steppings. 

What if gas finishes when you’re cooking?

Think about it. You’re up by 4:30 a.m. making food because you’re meant to leave home by 5 a.m. to avoid Lagos traffic on your way to work. Suddenly, gas finishes because you don’t have The Lord’s Chosen sticker on your cylinder. What will you do? Give them half-cooked rice?

What if the food pours on the stairs?

Imagine you’ve made pancakes with bacon, eggs, syrup and baked beans, and you miss a step on your way up to the room. Now you’re lying on the stairs covered in baked beans and wondering who sent you message. 

What if they appreciate you by calling the wrong name?

“Oh wow, this is so sweet. Thank you, Femi.”


You, a man named Ndubuisi, wondering when you became Yoruba:

RELATED: 9 Foods You Should Never Cook for a Person You’re Not Married To

What if you trigger their mummy issues and they begin to cry?

POV: You wake someone up with a lovely tray of Golden Morn and stew, but they burst into tears because no one has ever done something so nice for them. They finish crying, eat the meal and break up with you because they now see you as a parental figure, not a romantic partner.

What if you pour hot tea on their face?

Last last, you’ll just say it’s part of the surprise. 

What if you cook rubbish?

We’re not saying you’re a terrible cook o. But what if you unknowingly put too much salt in their tea, and when they taste it, they spit it out because salt shouldn’t be in tea and tell you to get the fuck out of their house before you give them a heart attack? What would you do then?


ALSO READ: 8 Practical Ways to Reduce the Calories in Your Food Before Eating It

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

August 29, 2020

Nigerians who live in Lagos often confuse living in Lagos as the entire Nigerian experience. But there are many, many great cities in Nigeria, and Jos is one of them. We have been hearing so many great things about Jos, and we decided to curate some of them. 1. Peace of Mind If you are […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

July 5, 2022

Will you listen? Aries Do not rush with your trading decisions. Pay attention to signals and double-check your entry and exit points. Taurus Analyse your performance. Take note of winning and losing trades. When you make a mistake, let it teach you. Gemini Time to get some more trader friends. If you’re an active part […]

Recommended Quizzes

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

January 2, 2020

Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry  Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

December 29, 2021

A new year is right around the corner. Before we go into 2022, enjoy some of our top quizzes from this year. 1. QUIZ: Only Nigerian Gen Z’ers Can Make It To The End Of This Musicians Quiz Forget about your age. If you can make it to the end of this quiz, you’re definitely […]

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

More from Chopist

June 26, 2022

Foods have different levels of chemistry, much in the same way people do. Beans isn’t any different. If you love beans, then here are seven foods that make the experience even better. Bread If Captain America were a meal, he’d be beans and bread. Nobody knows exactly what makes it so delicious. Is it the […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X