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Lagos State
“Traffic go wan kill you”
“₦400k is not enough”
“Ikorodu is not one of us”
“The ‘s’ at the end is for suffering”
Borno State
“Hotter than the sun”
Ogun State
“Just imagine Lagos had a poorer younger brother”
“Talent is surplus”
FCT
“We’re the powers and principalities in your life”
“Better than Lagos”
“Poverty die die die”
Abia State
“Don’t blame us, blame our governors”
Rivers State
“The oil money is invisible”
Anambra State
“Haters will say we don’t have billionaires in Nnewi”
Plateau State
“Experience abroad weather for half the price”
Delta State
“We used to have oil money, but haters will call it past glory”
Bayelsa State
“Come correct with your canoe, or don’t come at all”
Kano State
“At least we have Dangote”
“It’s like Lagos but without the traffic”
Kogi State
“If Nigeria itself was a state”
“For jazz, juju, and country”
Ekiti State
“You will like pounded yam”
Taraba State
“Yes, we’re actually a real place”
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Bank staff – ₦60k
They already count more than enough money every day. Why would they ever need more?
Politicians – ₦33k
If they really want to be public servants, they should lead by example and collect a minimum wage. It’s the least they can do.
Barbers – ₦1 million
They can literally mess up your look for the next month. You definitely don’t want to mess with their pay.
Policemen – ₦500k
Let’s pay them well enough that it won’t even occur to them to stress us whenever we meet them on the road.
Teachers – ₦500k
Do you really want to underpay the people responsible for ensuring your child’s future is bright? Do you want to pay for a low-current future?
Doctors – Whatever they ask for
We don’t even have enough of them, so we can’t afford to play hard-to-get with the people japa-ing every other Tuesday.
Lagos babes – Everything and more
Like it or not, being a Lagos babe is a full-time profession. Serving looks not only requires talent, but lots of money too. That’s why they deserve everything.
NEXT READ: Fake It Till You Make It? — 7 Nigerians on Landing Jobs Without the Required Experience
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Noticing the two hair strands on your chin
At this point, it’s unclear whether you’re finally growing a beard or your body’s just playing a prank on you. But you stroke your chin in front of the mirror every day while visualizing your imaginary beard.
Using spirit makes it grow
You’ll do this until you realize you’re doing nothing but sterilising your chin. Chances are you gave up on this plan.
Shaving your beards more often to make them grow
You did this because of one half-baked theory that said it works. But that’s how you get bumps the size of a baby’s head. It probably didn’t make you stop anyway, because the love of beards is greater than the fear of bumps.
Then you give up and start buying beard oil
At some point, it was obvious you were just fooling yourself,, so you decided to splurge on beard oil promising that you’d look like Lebron in a few months.
Then you start praying to God that they connect
You finally start seeing some real growth, but the problem is, the strands don’t seem to be ot connecting. So you try everything you know. You go back to using spirit to fertilize the patch that has somehow refused to grow hair. Or you keep using rollers to make the hair on your chin look fuller. Either way, it’s stressful.
And when they finally connect, you’ll treat it like it’s your most valued possession
When your beard connects, they become your entire personality.
Then 2023 comes and no one cares about them that much anymore
Women don’t even list having a beard as part of their spec anymore. How the mighty have fallen.
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How many times have you heard a person say things like “It is well”, “Nothing do you” “No shaking” when you know at the back of your mind that there is absolutely no assurance that something will not do them. I mean, it’s just life, and things happen. So, how can you not be covered?
This reminds me of the time when I tried to speak to my friend Chinedu about the importance of getting auto insurance, especially with his sub-standard driving skills. He told me right to my face to mind my business and leave auto affairs to men like him, saying “no worry, if e happen, we go run am”.
So, imagine my surprise when he called me on a random Sunday afternoon begging to borrow 150K for car repairs as he had just been involved in an accident with a car. I could even hear the third party fuming in the background. I had to ask Chinedu “ Shebi you be man, oya run am now” but apparently neither he or his car could run it.
Or is it the time when my sister, the “It is well” warrior, was losing staff to a seasonal flu which made her pay their hospital bills out of pocket? Mama kept on shouting “It is well” with every bill when in reality all was not well and she was losing money. It was just “sorrows sorrows prayers” every time. After the third bill she jazzed up and turned to the health insurance plan I had been telling her about.
These experiences have taught me that getting insurance with MyCoverGenius is a decision that requires no second thought. With MyCoverGenius’ quality and affordable health insurance, you can secure medical coverage for yourself, your business and loved ones for as little as ₦2,500 a month. The onboarding process is simple and seamless. They provide 24-hour Telemedicine support for expert consultations, avoiding second-guessing symptoms. So hurry up and sign up at www.mycovergenius.com to experience the peace of mind that comes with being protected.
Remember, it’s not just positive vibes that can shape your future; it’s also the actions you take to safeguard your well-being. Choose MyCoverGenius for comprehensive health insurance coverage you can rely on.
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Call them and start crying
Normalise calling your abroad folks in the middle of the night just to cry, so they can know that there’s fire on the mountain, and the mountain in this case is your bank account.
Tell them you want to know what foreign currency feels like
If you know anything about abroad people, you’ll know they’re always eager to tell you how nice everything is abroad. So, why not have them extend the gesture to what the currency feels like too?
Remind them of when you were in the trenches together
Make them nostalgic with throwback pictures of when you were both in Nigeria, then follow up with stories of how everything is hard and you need urgent ₦2k to see front. It’ll be in your account before sundown.
Offer to send them dry kponmo
It doesn’t even have to be kponmo, but something that’s hard for them to find abroad would definitely slap. Stockfish and Maggi cubes can work wonders.
Tell them you found land in the village
They want somewhere to tie down their dollars and pounds, and that’s where you come in. You can find them a piece of land in the village and bill them to pay for it. It might not be your money but at least it’ll touch your account.
Make it easy for them to send you money
Getting them to agree is one thing, but how you’ll receive the money is another. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by not planning it well. Luckily, there’s Busha to help you take away the headache of receiving money from people abroad.
If you run a business, are a freelancer, or just need to receive crypto payments from abroad, you can easily get paid internationally using Busha Commerce. All you have to do is sign up on their website to get started.
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You stop seeing the typical Nigerian tweets
So you mean no one is insulting another person’s daddy over a small disagreement? Where am I?
But you see “.eth” everywhere
Once you start seeing usernames that end with “(3,3)”, mentally take off your shoes and brace yourself. You’re at the entrance to crypto Twitter.
You don’t understand anything
Just know you’ll start seeing words that make no sense. You’ll scroll through your feed thinking “Wetin be FUD?” and “Which one is GMI again? Golden Morn?”
Everyone talks like they have money
It doesn’t matter that the market is down and everyone’s wallet is in tears. Once a rich person, always a rich person.
You start seeing “fiat” too often
On top of that, they constantly shade the paper money you still don’t have.
Memes… everywhere!
Nobody makes jokes like crypto folks. So, if you start seeing too many memes, you’re probably in crypto Twitter. Even if everything else vexes you, you can at least laugh at the memes.
They say if you can’t beat them, join them. To join crypto Twitter, you need to first own some crypto yourself. You can do this easily on the Luno app, which allows you buy cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, Litecoin and Ethereum. Download the app and sign up to get started.
Crypto Dictionary
(3,3) – “Good morning”
FUD – Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt
Fiat – Paper currencies like naira, dollar etc.
GMI – “Gonna make it?”
