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  • When you’re broke but still need to go to work

    If you’re not working remotely, this is the genesis of your problems.

    And you don’t have a car but still need to pay for transportation

    Two options:  you can either call in sick or pretend it’s the weekend.

    When you try to borrow from people but they’re broke too

    Everyone else is waiting for their salaries too.

    And you start to convince yourself that it’s only a few more days before your salary drops

    It’s the hope that kills, but you have to stay alive till it comes.

    You start budgeting because you’ve finally realized that you need to do better with money

    All those money skills that only work when there’s no actual money.

    You start to regret your terrible spending habits

    You flashback to the times when you were (acting like) a baller.

    Salary day comes, it’s 2 pm, and the alert still hasn’t dropped

    The anxiety is second to none.

    You also can’t go home because how will you trek from Yaba to Berger?

    This is where you start pretending to work late but you’re actually losing your mind.

    Your salary finally drops and you breathe a sigh of relief

      Your enemies have been put to shame.

    Then you forget your budget and start spending like you’re Otedola’s long lost child

    Budget who? You’ve suffered too much to not spend this money.

    NEXT READ: A Case for Doing the Barest Minimum at Work

  • Don’t be an Arsenal fan

    You’re an Arsenal fan, and you want to argue about football? Are you not embarrassed? 

    Ignore the facts

    You’re here to win, not to raise a superior argument. Let your opponents focus on facts while you hatch your main plan. 

    Always take the opposing opinion

    What’s your main plan, you ask? Divide and conquer. No matter how obvious the correct stance is, always be on the opposite side. If they’re arguing whether Nigeria can beat Brazil, support Nigeria. If they’re arguing about who will win the next Champions League, shout “Chelsea” or “Arsenal”. Just say any wildly impossible thing to rile them up.

    Laugh at the other person’s argument

    Mock them for using logic. Yes, they deserve it.

    Yell… a lot

    It’s not a proper argument if you don’t talk at the top of your voice, even though you’re just a few inches away from kissing them.

    Have mouth odour

    No one with mouth odour has ever lost an argument. You can quote us anywhere.

    Go with a gun

    We’re not saying you should threaten them with violence, but strike the fear of God in their hearts.

    Show them a picture of Messi with the world cup

    If it’s another tired argument about who the GOAT is, show them a picture of Messi holding the world cup.

    Annoy them and shout “Siuuu!”

    When you’re done, rub the pain in by shouting “Siuu!” and doing the Ronaldo celebration. There you have it; mission accomplished.

    NEXT READ: 7 Things You’ll Relate To If You Don’t Understand Football

  • They make you laugh

    They’re just funny and you find yourself always laughing. What you’re feeling is your diaphragm contracting from all that laughter, not butterflies. Stop shining teeth and focus.

    You have the same taste in music

    Unless you both have a strong love for someone like Saheed Osupa, why are you swooning for them because you’re both fans of Obongjayar? Who doesn’t like Obongjayar?

    They finish your sentences

    So what? If that’s the requirement then, autocomplete might be your soulmate too.

    They’re very attractive

    No, it’s not chemistry. It’s konji. Don’t fall for it.

    They’re sweet to you

    How many times do they need to scam you with sweetness before you jazz up?

    You lose track of time when you’re with them

    This sounds like what you’d feel in a kidnapper’s custody sha. Just saying.

    They compliment you a lot

    Keep smiling until you find out that their name is “Femi”.

    NEXT READ: Romantic Quotes That Aren’t Romantic When You Deep It

  • “Life is short, call your ex”

    You only live once, but you can always mess up many times.

    “There’s rice at home, but we both know you don’t want to eat rice. Go and buy food.”

    Follow your stomach and your pocket will follow suit

    .

    “Don’t be the patient dog. Hunger will finish you.”

    The patient dog doesn’t get the fattest bone. In fact, the patient dog gets nothing. We shouldn’t even need to spell this one out. 

    “Your next of kin won’t rate your struggle. Spend that money”

    Your next of kin will probably be at South flexing your money if anything happens to you.  Better spend your money now.

    “You better to save, it’s that same money that’ll save you”

    We said you should spend all your money, but you should save too sha. The economy might be too bad to save anything, but we believe in you.  Those savings might ultimately be your saviour. 

    “Life isn’t so hard. You’re the one who wants to blow”

    Ever wondered how stress-free your life would be if you weren’t trying to make it by force?

    “Don’t take nonsense from anybody, including your employer”

    You might lose your job, but that doesn’t matter because bad energy must stay far away.

    NEXT READ: 18 Motivational Quotes That Are Lowkey “Yahoo Boy” Quotes

  • “Never Give Up”

    What if the person is doing rubbish? Is it not better to just give up and sleep?

    “Everyone is special”

    This one is a big lie. If everyone is special, then what does “special” itself mean? Sometimes, we need to call the bluff of these aspire-to-maguire speakers.

    “Follow your passion”

    This one sounds cute until you realise that Dangote has no passion for cement. Also, it’s rich people advice. Our own theory is “follow your stomach, make hunger no kill you”.

    “You can be whatever you want to be”

    This isn’t bad advice per se, but we’re sure it’s the kind of problematic advice that made someone like Buhari keep trying until he became the president of Nigeria. We all know how that story ends.

    “What’s meant for you will not pass you by”

    Maybe if life was a movie. But in real life, if you don’t hold what’s meant for you tight, sorry for you.

    “The patient dog eats the fattest bone”

    LMAO. Why should you end up with a bone after so much patience? Is it not better for the patient dog to just go and buy food?

    “No girl will choose six packs over six cars. So stop gyming and work hard.”

    There are millions of people who don’t work out and are still poor. It’s better to have one, at least.

    “What an elder can see sitting down, small children cannot see from on top of a tree”

    If we call this witchcraft now, they’ll say we should keep quiet. What else can make an elder see better than a child?

    NEXT READ: How To Make It As a Nigerian Motivational Speaker

  • Say farewell to the streets

    You can’t have a soft relationship if you still have one leg in the streets. Hang your boots and say “Bye bye” to the streets because you’re boo’d up now.

    You have to talk to them every day

    Forget what people say online about not talking to their partners every day. If you’re reaching for relationship goals, you have to be sending life updates to your partner every hour. It’s not couple goals if you act like you can live without them.

    Learn their love languages

    Relationships are hardwork, and everyone wants to be loved differently. So you need to learn your partner’s love languages so your gestures aren’t entering one ear and leaving through the other.

    Put your relationship online

    How can we tag your relationship “couple goals” if we don’t even know about its existence? Put your relationship online so you can choke everyone with cuteness. As Kizz Daniel wisely said “Trouble their timelines, chop all their megabytes”.

    Take cute photos in matching outfits

    It’s not enough to put the relationship online. You must also wear matching outfits and take pictures in them so they can know that your relationship has its own uniform.

    Drop relationship nuggets for other people

    Have you really completed the couple goals story arc if you don’t start dishing out unsolicited advice to single people?

    Be ready to share almost everything

    You’re not ready for couple goals if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of sharing. You’ll share your space, your time, and you’ll msot definitely share your money with them. That’s why it makes sense to use Brassmoney to manage your finances in a relationship. 

    With Brassmoney, you and your partner can easily set up a joint (shared) account that you both have control over. What’s even better is that you can save, budget and track your finances easily. All you have to do is download the app from the App Store or Play Store and create an account to get started. You can also visit their website for more information.

    Even the single folks aren’t left out

    Even if you’re yet to get boo’d up, there’s still so much you can do with the Brassmoney app. You can save, track your finances, make budgets, and even buy airtime and data to hate on people in relationships on the internet. All you have to do is download the app from the App Store or Play Store and create an account to get started. When they ask who referred you, tell them it was Zikoko.