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Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

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  • (Zikoko arrives at 5pm, sweating profusely after waiting all day for this interview)

    Zikoko: Good evening sir (Gives the Nigerian nod of respect). I’ve been waiting outside since 7 am.

    Ikoyi Registry: Sorry, that was the 200th couple this week.

    Zikoko: Mad o

    Ikoyi Registry: It’s crazy. So, how can I help you?

    Zikoko: We’ve been looking for you so we can talk about the scarcity of appointment dates but you’re more unavailable than Davido. What’s going on?

    Ikoyi Registry: Nigerians won’t let me rest.

    Zikoko: What did they do?

    Ikoyi Registry: They want to kill me with work. Wedding every single day. Don’t you people get tired? Because I am o.

    Zikoko: You’re meant to join people together, not put asunder. You have no choice in this matter, dear.

    Ikoyi Registry: You can’t tell me what to do

    Zikoko: Oya, what do you want to do?

    Ikoyi Registry: Why are you people always getting married? Even as you’re always at each other’s neck on the internet.

    Zikoko: Of course, we are. Lagos men are trash.

    Ikoyi Registry: My records say otherwise.

    Zikoko: That’s your problem. What are you going to do about how hard it is to book appointments with you? Do something and do it fast, please.

    Ikoyi Registry: I’m not doing anything. I just want to retire. Two needs to stop becoming one every day.

    Zikoko: That’s none of your business now, what’s your purpose for existing again?

    Ikoyi Registry: So, I should come and die?

    Zikoko: Oya calm down. What do you want people to do? They shouldn’t get married again?

    Ikoyi Registry: Tone it down a little. Or plan it amongst yourselves and try not to kill me with work. I have my own relationships too.

    Zikoko: With who, Nigeria?

    Ikoyi Registry: Get out of my office. Security!

    NEXT READ: Interview With the Naira: “Just Add a Little Yeast” 

  • You’ve been single for too long

    There’s nothing wrong with being single, but for years? Someone is definitely scaring off all your love interests, and you’re not the problem.

    You have trouble sleeping

    That’s because your spirit has taken over to hang out with their spouse at that time. How can you sleep when your spirit is not at rest?

    You sleep too much

    This probably means your spirit partner is the quiet type who only likes to show up in your dreams.

    You have wet dreams

    We don’t have to spell out exactly what happened while you were asleep now, do we?

    You wake up aroused

    That’s because you were gearing up for round two when your alarm went off. 

    You always wake up in a bad mood

    How won’t you? When your alarm keeps preventing you from finishing the way you should.

    You move a lot in your sleep

    That’s your spirit spouse changing styles and positions. They like variety too, you know.

    You fall asleep in weird positions

    You think raising your legs up on the wall is normal? You’re just prepping yourself for what’s about to happen overnight. Hasn’t your Nigerian mother warned you enough?

    You wake up tired

    You should know what this means by now. You were busy all night.

    You catch yourself smiling for no reason at all

    Your spirit spouse is using words of affirmation on you. You don’t know it, but your subconscious does.

    QUIZ: What is the Zodiac Sign of Your Job?

  • Be an IG baddie

     IG is for photos and reels only. On Threads, you can become a thought leader on top of all the slaying.

    Become friends with Zuck

    We all know it’s Zuck’s app and he makes the rules. Become friends with him and start engaging with his posts. People will notice you because nepotism always wins.

    Aggressively share relationship tips

    People love love, and they love the people who teach them how to do it right. Become a virtual dating coach and see how many followers you get.

    Start an FC fight

    Threads is in its early days, so there’s no Wizkid FC yet. You can lead the charge by creating some division. Call Davido a new cat and watch how fast you blow.

    Pretend you’re Elon Musk

    Everyone knows Elon Musk is salty about the existence of Threads, so no one expects him to sign up. That’s your cue to rise to the occasion and pretend to be him for a while. Before people find out, you’re already popular.

    Ask a silly question

    We all hope Threads is an escape from the silliness of Twitter, but that’s where you come in. You’ll play devil’s advocate by constantly asking silly questions like, “Who should pay on the first date?” Your folk will find you in no time.

    NEXT READ: A Zikoko Masterclass: How To Find A Husband In 30 Minutes

  • We saw Dangote’s bum on the internet

    No one asked for this. No one thought it was possible. But it happened. Why?

    People moaned for money on the internet

    Even if you’re not a believer in the end times,   listening to a moaning contest on Twitter should’ve been enough to convince you that this life is a game on someone’s laptop. What’s more, the person playing it is bored and just poking around.

    Will Smith slapped Chris Rock

    And we all watched it live. Was that even real?

    Our currency had the ugliest makeover

    Look at these notes and tell me they look real to you. Even when you’re holding them, they don’t look real.

    Naira gained value against the naira

    Naira has been falling against the dollar all our lives, so that’s normal. But just six months ago, naira was gaining against the naira in the parallel POS market. We were buying cash with more cash. Crazy times.

    The Ooni of Ife became King Solomon

    He was taking wives faster than some of us can get through one talking stage. At the end of two months, this man had six wives. The stuff of legend… or scriptures.

    World War 3 almost happened

    Remember that time they bombed one of the top generals in Iran, and we were all making jokes on Twitter about another world war? What were we thinking?

    The worst part: being Nigerian in Nigeria

    Everyday here is an exercise in figuring out if it’s real life. The cost of staying alive is unreal; it feels like the people behind this simulation want us to leave by force.

    NEXT READ: Why You Need to Go Outside and Touch Grass

  • Use “Bridgerton” language

    Don’t be overt about it. Say something sweet that still carries the weight of your side-eye. For example: “My heart burns when I see another staring into the endless orbs that are your eyes.”

    Give them the most cheeky compliment

    You know those compliments that aren’t really compliments? Like telling them they look good with someone when you mostly just want to ask why they’re talking to that person? Yes, do that.

    Give them the eyes

    Look into their eyes as they hug that person. Let them know they just committed a crime.

    Don’t use Twitter

    The urge to misyarn will multiply once you open Twitter. Just don’t do it. Because even if you think pouring out your heart is harmless, everybody else will laugh at you.

    If you must, be direct about it

    But if you must talk on the internet, it’s better to say what’s really bothering you. Instead of throwing jabs that’ll end up embarrassing you and your partner, say something that shows you’re clearly jealous, but in a good way. People will probably find it cute.

    Or use a burner account

    At least, this way, you can get it off your chest without tripping anyone off.

    Act surprised

    Show genuine surprise about what they did that made you jealous. Something along the lines of, “Oh, you still talk to that person?”

    Start your next conversation with “It’s funny how some people…” 

    Then insert the exact thing that made you jealous. But don’t mention names o. Let them catch their sub.

    QUIZ: How Jealous Does Love Make You?

  • Traffic will stress him out

    Imagine him chasing a criminal and running into traffic on Third Mainland Bridge.

    Police will arrest him too many times

    A young man driving a sports car that no one has ever seen? Wearing all black? WITH A MASK? The police will be over the moon.

    Too many copycats

    Nigerians love copying things that work or look cool. Just look at how many cook-a-thons have happened in the past few months because of Hilda Baci. There’d probably be a Batman in every local government.

    He might switch careers to become a sugar daddy

    If he can’t help people by delivering criminals to the police who might free them later, he might as well just spend his money on Lagos baddies. The ultimate glucose guardian.

    Agberos will probably beat him up

    What’s going to happen when Batman is forced to face agberos in Mushin? Even the Batmobile and Alfred wouldn’t be able to save him.

    He’ll have japa plans too

    Nigerians will frustrate him so much, he’ll start making plans to continue his vigilante career in another country. 

    But the Nigerian Customs will stress him

    We all know what’s going to happen when he shows up at the passport office in his costume. Billing HQ.

    NEXT READ: Nigerians Reimagined Superheroes As Boarders, And It’s Hilarious