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  • Most Lagosians have a Computer Village story; some are hilarious and others are terrifying. They range from buying a phone and seeing semo inside the box when you get home, to having someone shake your hand and realising five minutes later that your phone is gone. If you have a Computer Village horror story, you can probably relate to these seven stages:

    You suddenly realise your phone is missing

    Maybe it’s your first time here, so you’re wondering why everyone is hissing at you, trying to get you to see the new gadget they’re selling. And you can’t tell why this particular guy keeps following you everywhere even though you’ve told him off. He eventually leaves you alone, and a few minutes later, you realise your pocket feels lighter.

    Scared

    Doubt sets in

    At this point, your mind starts racing and running double-checks. “Did I put my phone in my bag?” You check your bag, and it’s not there. Then, you realise what’s happening — your phone is long gone.

    Confused look

    You start to have flashbacks

    Your mind flashes back to the guy who was following you. “Could it be him? Did he touch my pocket?” You decide the only way to find out is to find him and ask.

    deep thought with provoking flashbacks

    You start searching for the thief

    You retrace your steps to the place where you last saw this person, hoping to see them again. But when you don’t see them, you start asking around, trying to describe them to other people. Miraculously, you’re pointed in a particular direction.

    searching for the thief with a gun in hand

    ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide to Surviving Computer Village

    You decide to confront the person

    You get there, and you see the person you’re looking for. You approach them and ask politely if they took your phone. Unknown to you, this is a cardinal sin. You simply do not ask a thief whether they’ve stolen from you. They start shouting at you, with the familiar “who you be?”

    confronting the thief

    You realize that words alone cannot settle this issue

    Like the Lagosian you are, you decide the best way to go about this is to show some craziness. Obviously, that’s the only way they’ll listen to you, so you start to shout and throw punches like Bash Ali’s protege.

    fighting the thief

    You get beaten really bad

    Unfortunately, you’re not Bash Ali’s protege. You get whopped really bad and no one even cares to listen to the reason why you were shouting in the first place. You now realise what a bad idea this was and decide to leave without your phone.

    sad and in tears

    You realise it’s not only your phone that was stolen

    You get to the bus stop, but just as you’re about to take a bus home in pain and regret, you realise your wallet is now also gone.

    passing out from shock

    READ THIS NEXT: “In Computer Village, Every Day, New Drama” — A Week in the Life of a Computer Vendor

  • Just like people in Lagos have different personalities, the same is true for bus stops. Some bus stops are so calm and relaxed, while others are filled with struggle and noise.

    Take this quiz and find out which Lagos bus stop you are.

  • If you were born to Nigerian parents in Nigeria, chances are, you got ass-whopped a fair amount of times. And you see, Nigerian parents use different items to spank their kids.

    Take this quiz and we’ll guess which one was mostly used to spank you as a child.

  • It can be confusing to know what your partner likes when it comes to sex, especially when they’re not very communicative. Have you ever wondered whether your partner secretly likes spanking? Take this quiz and find out.

  • Salary week is upon us and you’re probably checking your phone every minute, waiting for the credit alert to drop. But the most heartbreaking thing is when your employer serves you breakfast by not paying on the due date. If you’ve been there before, you can probably relate to these feelings.

    You think it’s just a mistake

    You convince yourself that it’s your bank playing mind games with you, like they always do. Because who hasn’t received money in their account only to see the alert three market days later? So you keep refreshing your bank app, hoping the balance changes.

    You start asking other people questions

    You have finally admitted to yourself that this is more than meets the eye. Your bank simply cannot be at fault anymore. So you start making small talk with your co-workers, ending with, “You don see anything?” only to get your hopes dashed once again when they too haven’t received it.

    You have flashbacks to when you had money

    You finally realise what’s going on and admit it to yourself — money is not coming today. All of a sudden, you feel a sharp pain in your chest remembering all the money you spent just last week, thinking you were getting something huge very soon.

    RELATED: If Your June Salary Has Finished This One Is For You

    You start managing money aggressively

    This is when the Marty Byrde in you jumps out. You start calculating all the things you can achieve with your last ₦1k. If you’ve already spent it, then this is when you start borrowing money to stay alive. 

    You start making false promises

    You promise yourself you’ll get better at managing your money. You tell God all you need is one last chance. But deep down, you know you’re lying.

    Salary finally drops and you forget everything you went through

    You finally get that alert and you’re bougie again. All of a sudden, those promises you made to heaven and earth are forgotten…until this time next month.

    ALSO READ: 13 Things That Happen When You’re Desperately Waiting For Payday

  • Foods have different levels of chemistry, much in the same way people do. Beans isn’t any different. If you love beans, then here are seven foods that make the experience even better.

    Bread

    If Captain America were a meal, he’d be beans and bread. Nobody knows exactly what makes it so delicious. Is it the beans, or is it the bread? No one knows. These two foods have so much chemistry that eating them just makes you feel so good inside. Beans and bread should be a love language.

    Suggested article: What’s the Best Thing to Eat Bread With? We Ranked Them All

    Plantain

    This OG combo needs no introduction. It’s second only to bread and beans — and that is even debatable in some circles. Plantain already takes the winning prize for “Best in Side Dish”. If beans were Batman, plantain would be Robin.

    Garri

    Desperate times require desperate measures. Garri and Beans is a meal for desperate times. This combo reminds you of the better times. Eating beans with garri while managing your last ₦1,000 hits really hard. But if you’re bougie and missing the trenches, it also works.

    Suya

    We don’t know why but suya makes everything so much better. Maybe it’s because of all the darkness that goes into making it.

    READ: 6 Red Flags To Look Out For In Your Mai Suya

    Fried Eggs

    This is a meal for people who want to say, “Do your worst!” to their digestive system but simply haven’t had the chance. It’s giving bravery. If you’re looking to up your protein intake, then this is definitely your thing.

    Groundnuts

    Eat groundnut alone and your body will remind you that you’re still in the trenches. But eat it with beans, and see how you look like a 19th-century colonial master.

    Corn

    If you’ve tried this combination before, you know it’s heaven. The corn can be added as a garnish to the beans or taken as a side dish. Either way, the combo bangs.

    Pap/Custard

    What’s the difference between pap and custard? We don’t really know, but someone said it’s the same as the difference between Island and Mainland Lagos. Here’s what we do know, though: they both go really well with beans, especially on a Sunday morning.

    Oats

    This deserves a honorable mention. We don’t know why people enjoy this combo but our theory is that it’s one of those mediocre foods that get a lot of praise; like caviar.

    ALSO READ: These 7 Foods Taste Much Better With Pepper

  • Going on dates in Nigeria can be an extreme sport. From worrying about being catfished to picking out what to wear or a place to go. But have you ever gone above your budget and had to choose between washing plates and trekking home? 

    Here are eight things you can do to save yourself if that happens.

    Get Arrested

    This is the only time when “Police is your friend” becomes a true claim. If you have a friend who’s a policeman, this is the time to call them to come to your rescue.

    Start a fight

    As wise men say: “Chaos is a ladder.” Just start a fight for no reason and get thrown out for free. Slap someone out of the blue or spill a drink on someone’s shirt.

    Blame the restaurant’s food

    You can just get up in anger and start complaining about how the rice tastes like fermented goat milk. Make sure your voice is loud enough that everyone hears it and the restaurant staff tries to calm you down. Then, you can leave in anger without paying a kobo.

    RELATED: 7 Nigerians Share Their Worst Date Stories

    Confess that you’re married

    If you don’t drive a Sienna, It’s probably hard to pull this off but you can do it. Just keep a makeshift ring close by that can help you lie about being married with 3 kids.

    Fake a heart attack

    This will probably land you in a hospital and taking drugs you don’t need, but at least you won’t be in a restaurant kitchen washing plates.

    Just ask to split the bill

    It may not be as bad as you think. If the date goes higher than you can afford, just ask them to split the bill with you. They’ll probably appreciate the honesty.

    Confess on Twitter before you get called out

    Even though your date is happening in one tiny corner of a restaurant in Lagos, don’t be surprised if you get home to see three thousand people tweeting about it already. The best way to get ahead is to out yourself in public before anyone does it for you.

    Call your friends for help

    A quick SOS to your friends’ WhatsApp group can save your life. Just make sure the restaurant hasn’t already seized your phone before you get to this point.

    ALSO READ: 5 Dates For 5k: Ideas That Don’t Break The Bank

  • These words are from the MTN ASAP Quiz Competition for secondary schools. Does a secondary school student know more about substance abuse than you? Take this quiz and find out!

    A psychological situation in which a person’s functionality is dependent on the consumption of a psychoactive substance.

    A period during which a person feels ill because they’ve stopped taking a drug or a substance that they are addicted to.

    An altered state of consciousness a person experiences because they’ve taken a powerful illegal drug.

    A strong need that someone feels to regularly take an illegal or harmful drug.

    Drugs that produce analgesia (pain relief), narcosis (state of stupor or sleep), and addiction (physical dependence on the drug).

    A condition in which a person’s body or brain no longer responds to a prescription or recreational drug in the same way it once did.

    The process of medical or psychotherapeutic treatment for dependency on drugs.

    The organization responsible for enforcing drug laws in Nigeria.

    The most abused drug in the world

    You’ve probably taken it a lot, but didn’t realize that it’s a drug

    A drug, often used in cough mixtures, which was banned in Nigeria due to abuse.

    The organization responsible for the approval of drug production and administration in Nigeria

    A psychoactive drug, also known as Marijuana.

    A highly addictive substance, often found in tobacco cigarettes.

    The degree to which a chemical substance can cause damage an organism

  • The easiest thing about a vacation should be choosing where to go. But that can sometimes be very confusing. Don’t worry, we’ll help you with this quiz. 

  • There are about 200 countries in the world. Can you guess the names of a few of them from a few pictures? Take this quiz and find out: