Whether it’s weird forex academies or people who ask you to invest in hopes of getting double your capital, there’s one common thing about pyramid schemes: your money will suffer for it. This guide is to help you notice them from afar and hold on tight to your pocket.
They want to teach you how to make money
Think about it. Why would anyone want to do that?
But they want you to bring your own money first
It should be obvious at this point that these people are up to no good.
They want you to bring your friends and their money too
They’ll ask you to bring three people who’ll bring three people who’ll then bring three people. It can only be one of two things: witchcraft or a pyramid scheme. Run!
They use a lot of motivational quotes
They’ll bombard you with all these nice-sounding buzzwords like “abundance mindset” and “not limiting yourself”. This is just to get you dizzy on motivation till you drop your house rent.
The returns look fishy
If “30% interest after 4 weeks” doesn’t make you wonder if there’s some yoruba movie shenanigans going on, then you should at least be worried.
There’s always someone who seems to have done everything right and now makes a lot of money from the scheme. This is to keep the dream alive in your mind.
Your friends join and try to sell you on it
This is most likely how you’ll find out about it in the first place. Just remember, if you do it, you’re their lunch money.
The business is looking somehow
If you can’t figure out what they actually do to make money, in a way that’s as simple as selling biscuit for ₦10, it’s probably a pyramid scheme.
You’re wondering if it’s a business or a cult
They do usually give off cult vibes. Because why else would they ask you to recruit your family members?
The only thing worse than chopping breakfast served by your lover is being denied food at an owambe. If you’ve ever experienced this, then you can relate to these pictures.
So you’ve thought about this owambe you were invited to all week, and now you can’t wait to attend. You get there and you totally love the ambiance. Today is going to be a good day.
You choose your seat strategically so you can avoid any stories that touch the heart
You dance moderately so you don’t miss the real reason you’re here
They shart sharing food and you keep your cool so you don’t look too excited
An hour passes and you’ve still not gotten food
But the 50+ man beside you has already wiped his plate clean. Now you’re wondering if you’re invisible.
You swallow your pride and decide to be assertive
You ask for food but someone says, “I’ve served everybody here nauuu!”
You start begging with your face
Not all-out begging o. You just give them face so that the usher will pity you. So they agree to give you food. All is finally well.
They come back to tell you that it’s only semo they have left
It’s hard but possible to imagine some Nigerian politicians as anything other than politicians. So here’s what we think these seven would do if they weren’t trying to get a piece of the national cake.
Nyesom Wike
Policeman
If he wasn’t making us laugh with his hilarious comments or stage dances, this man would’ve made a badass Nigerian police officer. You can totally picture him stopping you on the highway to ask if there’s something for the boys.
Dino Melaye
Hype Man
Some say this man already moonlights as a hype man, but we’ll never really know. There’s no doubt he’ll give us wild nightlife experiences if he wasn’t trying to get a piece of the national cake.
Babatunde Fashola
Lagos Landlord
You can totally picture this, can’t you? Him walking around the house in the morning, looking for something that’s just not there, until he suddenly finds a camera lying around somewhere.
All that pointing has to count for something. You can’t deny he does the best traffic warden impressions.
Bola Ahmed Tinubu
Cassava farmer
This man is clearly in love with cassava and corn, and we love to see it. We stan a man who knows where his true passion lies.
Bukola Saraki
Tech Founder
He gives off the vibe of the founder you’ll meet at a tech event, who won’t stop trying to sell you on how his new startup is going to change the world, even though you’ve never heard about it before.
Nasir El-rufai
University Lecturer
“A is for God, B is for me, C is for my wife and kids and D is for my favourite students”. You read that in his voice, didn’t you?
Lagos traffic is a bad bitch that treats everybody however it wants. But we all have different relationships with it. Some gentle, others abusive. Take this quiz and find out what yours is like.
Questions
This is a question
Pick all the things you’ve experienced in Lagos traffic:
You don’t even know each other
You probably live in Abuja, which is why you can’t relate to anything that has to do with traffic
You’re being bullied!
You’re a JJC and this was not what you signed up for when you came to Lagos
You’re in an abusive relationship!
You’re having Stockholm Syndrome because Lagos traffic is carrying you where you no know
You’re soulmates!
You’re soulmates because you’re also mad and nothing you see inside Lagos traffic can shake you again.
We all make new year resolutions and then spend all year acting like they’re not there. It’s time to reflect on your truancy, people. Take this quiz and see how badly you were lying on January 1st.
Port Harcourt slangs are out of this world. They are often scary-sounding and you probably shouldn’t say some of them outside. But for the sake of blending in, you’re better off knowing them than not.
Jonz
This means “mad “or “stupid”. (e.g. No go dey jonz).
Earning in dollars is the new rave, but this can take longer than you want. Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to make $1000 before the week runs out? Well, it is, and Zikoko is here with answers for you.
Change your naira to Zimbabwean Dollars
You can just change your naira to Zimbabwean dollars, and it’s “mission accomplished” already. It’s still dollars anyway, no? Not everytime USD. Sometimes, support Africa.
Get a glucose guardian
It’s not even hard to do this. Just find a much older person willing to shoulder the financial responsibilities of a young adult, and you’re good to go. Whatever they want in return is just fine print and details. We’re sure you can work it out.
Become a social media political campaign officer
This is a new and vibrant job market. All you have to do is defend the most questionable crop of people we have in Nigeria — politicians. If you don’t mind all the moral baggage that comes with it, then you should have your $1000 by the end of the week.
Start selling akara
This might sound like a joke, but we’re not even kidding. Remember this tweet about how an akara seller makes ₦600k monthly? That’s a business plan waiting for you already. And if your business is five times hers, you can be pulling in your $1000 by the end of the week. See? As easy as saying beans.
Someone once said the fastest way to get rich is to be born rich, and the second fastest is to marry a rich person. We can’t help you with the first, but we have the cheat code for the second. Just tell them you’re their spirit husband or wife. It works like a charm, no pun intended. But if somehow, it doesn’t, tell them you’re from Zikoko. You’ll go straight to the altar.
Borrow and return after one week
Well, in all fairness, we said we’ll show you how to make $1000 in a week. We didn’t say anything about keeping the $1000. So just borrow the money from your rich friends and give it back to them once the week is over.
Wake up from your slumber
Because you must be dreaming. It’s not only $1000; it’s $1,000,000. You better wake up and start going to work. It’s a Monday morning.
You’ve probably heard some gist about different places in Nigeria, and the north is one of them. Things like “everywhere’s hot up there” or “one man can have 35 kids”. We’ve asked the northerners themselves, and here are a few myths they want you to stop believing.
“It’s always very hot up there”
Samuel, 25. Lives in Taraba
“I always thought this was weird because where I live is a lot colder than most places down south. I live in Gembu, Taraba State, and I don’t feel the heat people talk about when they speak of the north. I think people forget some parts are high above the sea level, and therefore, have higher temperatures.”
“All northerners are Muslims”
Deborah, 32. Lives in Kaduna
“I think people have this opinion because they assume northerners are Hausa, and that’s not true at all. A lot of states in the North have tribes that are hugely Christian or even multireligious. There’s more diversity than one would expect.”
“It’s very unsafe”
Ibrahim, 29. Lives in Kano
“While there has been a lot of destruction in some parts of the north. Most places are still relatively safe. Southerners tend to forget the north is really big, and the same way these things come as news to them is the same way they do to us. That’s not to excuse the horrific things that’ve been happening.”
“It’s a very conservative place”
Aisha, 20. Lives in Sokoto
“You’ll be surprised to go to a party and find people dancing to Naira Marley’s songs with crazy passion. While it’s certainly more conservative than other parts of the country, there’s still a lot more freedom than people expect. This leaves them shocked whenever they come here.”
“Whenever I mention my name, people just assume I’m Hausa or Fulani. I don’t mind it, but please, there are hundreds of ethnicities here, and it’s more diverse than most people think. It’s not a monolithic place like that.”
“Life is very cheap, and you don’t need much”
Josephine, 24. Lives in Jos
There’s a going falsehood that things such as food and other perishable items are cheaper to get here, and nothing is more absurd. It’s even worse here sometimes because of the cost of transportation from farms to markets. I think people have been sold a lot of lies about this place.”
There’s no way to fake good swagger. As the saying goes, “if it didn’t dey, then it didn’t dey”. Nigeria has always had it in abundance, and these pictures from the old times prove it:
The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
This week’s Abroad Life story is three in one. Our subject is a development economist who has a particularly interesting Japa story that spans over seven years and took her to three countries on different continents. She’s currently in the United States, but that doesn’t seem to be her final destination.
First, why did you decide to leave Nigeria?
It was just a very oppressive place for me. Not just politically and economically, but also socially. It wasn’t a place that allowed me to express myself in the ways I wanted. I was alté before alté actually became a thing, so it was really stressful to explain why I dressed the way I did or did things a certain way. This was as far back as 2009. I was around age 15 at the time and my need for self-expression was starting to explode.
I decided I wanted to go someplace where I’d have the freedom to be more expressive. I can’t remember exactly when I made the decision to leave, but I remember doing a lot of research for places to go, and after a while, I settled for Italy.
Why Italy?
So, I really wanted to go somewhere that didn’t have a lot of Nigerians. This isn’t because I had anything against Nigerians, but you know how parents have their own international spy network? I was trying very hard to avoid that. I just wanted a place where I could really get to know myself.
Secondly, I’d begun a career in the creative arts, and it was important for me to go someplace where I could nurture my curiosity and gain more experience. I did my research and found a programme that would let me spend time in Italy and Germany. This was very appealing to me because at that time, I was working for an art foundation. Italy represents such a big part of art history with the Renaissance, and I would be living in Tuscany, one hour away from Florence.
Also, Berlin represents that edgy and experimental phase of art, and I thought that summed up everything I was looking for at the time. I also liked that I could see other countries in Europe relatively cheaply because of the EU agreement. I wasn’t even thinking about the US or Canada at the time. You could have given me a million dollars, and I still wouldn’t have gone to those countries.
That sounds very interesting and intentional. So what was the process like?
Hmmm, this question. So I applied for a long-stay visa to Italy. This was my first time handling such applications by myself, and it was quite stressful. It was also my first exposure to how demeaning traveling on a Nigerian passport is, whether you’rea tourist or not.
First of all, booking an appointment was very stressful. Even though there were websites for this, I had to go to the embassy and get the security to talk to me and give me a date. A lot of people had to bribe them just to get an appointment.
The second problem was the embassy staff themselves had all this information printed out and displayed, but they weren’t actually very helpful in person. They were mostly irritated by the applicants. This meant I had to figure most things out by myself or by talking to people who had been through the process.
Another thing I didn’t think about was that Italy isn’t an English-speaking country, so I had to translate all my documents to Italian, and I had to assemble documents from when I was born because it was for a long-stay visa. There was a time I lost all my translated documents and had to start over.
Another time, they asked me to come back to the embassy, and when I did, they refused to open the gates for me. I have this sharp memory of just standing outside the Italian embassy wearing my sunglasses, with silent tears streaming down my face. I felt very “f*ck this process!” at the time, but I picked myself up and continued.
Wow, that’s a lot!
The good part was once it was done, it was done. So, five months after I started, my visa got approved. I packed my bags and moved to Italy. This was in 2015.
Awesome! What was Italy like?
Italy was very beautiful, but because I was young and had never travelled before, there were a lot of things I didn’t know about being an immigrant. I just assumed everything would go smoothly. In hindsight, I should’ve done more research about that.
How young were you at the time?
I was between the ages of 20 and 21.
Wait…what?
Haha, yes. I was very young at the time.
What was the experience like in Italy?
Once you get there, you have to go to the police and register yourself, so they can prepare your residency documents. You basically show them your visa, and they prepare a residency card you can take everywhere.
The problem was the visa I had was very restrictive. I wasn’t on a work visa, so paid work was very hard to find. I was very fortunate at the time to be receiving a monthly allowance from my parents back in Nigeria. I just continued my academic research till I found an internship at an art gallery that allowed me to indulge my passion for the arts. I eventually had to come back to Nigeria because I had a long-stay visa not a permanent one.
Back to the trenches. How did you deal with that?
It was fun to be back actually. I just hung around for a bit and enjoyed life as a Lagos babe.
Where did you go from here?
I love Nigeria, but I can’t be there for too long or I start losing my mind. But at that point, I was no longer working full-time in the creative sector. It had become a side thing, and I was now in a field called “international development”. This was just a fancy name for NGO work.
I looked at the careers of people I wanted to be like and noticed they’d spent time in low-income countries. So I decided to do that. I found an international development gig in Uganda through a Facebook group I’d joined. The pay was poor but they provided for all the living logistics so I didn’t mind.
I took the job on the understanding that I was going to enter the country on a tourist visa with the provision for a work visa upon arrival. LMAO. Big mistake.
What happened?
The Ugandans denied my work visa. It was a big shock because everyone they’d hired for that position before had had their visa approved. But I was also the first African national to be hired for that role. Every other person was Canadian or American. This is when I discovered discrimination within Africa, and it was more traumatising to me than it was in western countries.
I had to file an appeal to get a work visa, which meant they had to keep my passport for that period. My job was meant to last for a period of two years but for the next seven months, I didn’t have a passport. The problem was, as a foreigner in Uganda, you need a passport to register for everything. So I had to beg my coworkers for everything. To get a SIM card, they had to register it under their name. I didn’t even have a bank account in Uganda; my salary had to be paid in cash. The worst part for me was I couldn’t even travel. Not home, not anywhere.
Eventually, I had to cut my two-year contract down to one year and cancel my appeal. But even after I did that, my passport wasn’t released to me. I was put in an immigrations vehicle and driven to the airport like I was being deported. They held onto my passport until I got to passport control. I’m never going back to Uganda. It was a harrowing experience.
I’m so sorry about that. So what did you do after all this?
At this point, I didn’t have migration energy anymore. I came back to Nigeria in 2019 and stayed for a while. I got a job I liked but didn’t see myself staying long-term at.
I had a short vacation in Europe that reinvigorated my travel spirit, and I started thinking more long-term about migrating. My plan was to go to a prestigious school and work at a prestigious organisation. This was when I stopped being alté and became more mainstream.
I did my research and decided to get a master’s degree in development economics. I was lucky enough to get a full scholarship to an American university. The programme was ranked top 0.1% in the world, and I liked that. But I wanted security. So, for the sake of insurance, I started processing my Canadian PR (Permanent Residency).
A smart woman. How did that go?
My school was in Washington DC, which is an expensive place to live in. Because my scholarship didn’t cover living expenses, I was a few thousand dollars short. Luckily, I had friends who were keeping their money in my account at the time, so I could easily ask to borrow from that to cover my expenses.
The visa application process was different than I was used to because I mainly interacted with the school and not the embassy, initially. I was meant to start school physically in August 2020, but COVID struck when I started the visa application process in March. As a result, I was going to school remotely from Nigeria. Because school had already started, I was granted an emergency appointment with the US embassy in November. The visa was approved, I bought my ticket and got ready to move. By January 2021, I was in the US.
How has it been so far? Expectations vs Reality: US edition
The first thing that struck me was how big everything is. The roads were big, the houses were big, even the serving portions at restaurants were really big. It’s why I like DC, because it has a bit of normalcy to it. But everywhere else, it’s as if they have an obsession with size.
Another thing that surprised me was the health system. Everywhere else, when you’re sick, you go to the hospital nearest to you. In America, that’s one chance! First of all, you have to have insurance. Secondly, your insurance only covers certain things, so you have to call your insurance company to confirm if what’s making you go to the hospital is covered. I find that ridiculous.
Advertising is also constantly in your face. Everyone’s trying to figure out another way to take money from you. On top of that, it’s actually cheaper to buy something new than it is to fix it, which feeds into the consumerist lifestyle they already have. For example, if something was wrong with the zip on my dress, it’ll be cheaper for me to buy a new dress than to take it to someone who can fix the zip. That’s insane.
The last shocker would be an abundance of well-mannered men. Right now, I’m retired from Nigerian men. Only God’s intervention would make me go back. Sorry, not sorry.
What’s your favourite thing about the US?
I like my life here because I have peace of mind. My favorite thing is I could never afford therapy until I came to this country. My insurance now gives me access to incredible mental healthcare, which has done a lot for me. I’m really grateful for that.
What’s life like right now and what are your plans for the future?
I’m basically enjoying myself right now. I really like it here. I particularly like DC because there’s a lot of thoughtfulness in how the city was planned that reminds me of Europe. It’s a really beautiful place.
My sister is closeby in Canada, and I’m also in a loving relationship. I’m applying for jobs, and yeah, I was right. Getting a fancy education and internships has opened ridiculous amounts of doors. I’m in a good place.
As for the future, I see myself staying here long-term. The worst-case scenario is I pack my bags and move to Canada next-door which solves the problem of ever having to be stuck in Nigeria by condition. So yes, that’s my story. It only took me seven years, but I did it.
