You know how you can see an event on TV and just want to enter through your screen to join them because you know they’re having the best time ever? That was us when Johnnie Walker threw the littest party for week 2 of the BBNaija Season 7 a couple of weeks ago.
Abi I should sign up for BBNaija next year ni?
Tell us a party was fire without telling us the party was fire.
First of all, just look at the location
If you enter a place like this and the first thing that comes to mind isn’t, “Omo, I go enjoy my life die today”, then we’re here to tell you you’re a detty liar. That dance floor is giving dance floor.
And then the drinks
As you’re still thinking, “Omo, this place is nice. Maybe I’ll hide somewhere and sleep here after the party”, boom… you see the drinks. Herbert Macaulay, the founder of Nigeria’s first political party once said, “What’s a party without some Johnnie Walker Red Label?” And to be honest, the man was right.
There were drinks for daysss at this party.
Have you ever seen so many beautiful people in one place?
The answer is clearly no. At some point, we felt like we were watching the afterparty of a beauty pageant because, ahnahn! They were now dancing to some nice gbedu to brighten their moods. .
Do you know what “party cloth” is?
Johnnie Walker must have told people that there was also a dressing competition o. Because how do you get so many already beautiful people to turn up looking so good? Na jazz?
And the music? Hay God!
Even we watching from home couldn’t help but dance to the music. If your DJ can’t make people lose their home training and turn up at your party, you should probably get another DJ. This DJ knew what to do and he did it perfectly.
Also, we got our hands on some of the music that was played that night. You’re welcome.
Every gym has different kinds of people that we feel differently about. But one day, we’ll give a piece of our minds to those people who intimidate us at the gym with their oversabi. If that’s you, take this quiz and we’ll fish you out.
Some people will say sex is a sin. Whether or not that’s true, we can all agree bad sex is a waste of sin. Here are eight tricks to make it last longer and be more pleasurable for you and your partner.
Eat Bananas
First of all, get rid of the dirty thought that just crossed your mind. Bananas actually contain a lot of potassium that helps with vitality. Also, they restore your glucose levels and increase your sex drive.
Stop getting drunk
Only hobbits are allowed to drink all they want without consequences. Taking too much alcohol can prevent you from being in the moment and enjoying what you’re doing. No one wants an absent-minded sexual partner.
Take a lot of pepper
Finally, some vindication for the Yoruba people. They were right all along. Eating hot pepper actually helps build endurance. It also boosts recovery, meaning you’re ready to go for season 2 in no time. If you want to last longer in bed, here’s your best bet.
Eat tiger nuts
You probably know this one already, but we’re here to remind you. Tiger nuts are notorious for being an OG aphrodisiac that’ll take you as far you want during sex. Just don’t overdo it, we’re begging you. You’ll last longer in bed, but sin with caution.
Take a lot of Vitamin D
No, we’re not trying to play mind games with you, stop asking us what we mean. It means exactly what it says. If you’re wondering which fruits you should eat to get this, that’s simple. The next time you’re making a smoothie, just make sure you have a lot of oranges and almonds. If you don’t like those, then egg yolks and fish work just as well.
Foreplay is also sex
Having sex with no foreplay is like starting a book from the middle. You’ll obviously finish faster, and probably with a terrible understanding of what’s going on. Invest in your foreplay game. Don’t you love when a good movie whets your appetite with a slam dunk trailer?
Exercise more
Some people will say having sex already counts as exercise. But squats and biceps training actually help you perform better when it’s time for some action.
Switch up the position
Some positions actually make it easier for you to climax. If you’re looking to prolong things, you probably want to find a position that makes it harder.
Tough times don’t last. But when they come, man’s gotta eat. Which is why we dug deep for these eight foods under ₦1k to show you that even when you’re broke, you can still chop life.
Spaghetti
Forget that inflation is affecting the price of spaghetti. It’s still your best bet if you want to stay alive when tough times hit you.
Palm oil rice
Hear us out. We know the two main parts of this food – palm oil and rice – are as expensive as Taylor Swift’s legs. But you’re dealing with your last ₦1k here so you’re only buying little of each. Of course, it’ll taste like piss, but you don’t care. You’re just trying to stay alive here.
Bread and soda
This is often called a bricklayer’s food, but whoever came up with that name missed the point. It’s not just for bricklayers; it’s the staple of hard life.
Garri — with no sugar
If this already leaves a taste of sadness in your mouth, you’re getting the point. But that’s not a big deal. You can just call it “Diet Garri” and you’re good to go.
Get creative and make a salad with bananas and a couple of other fruits. You’ll still be hungry, but the bananas will help, and at least, you’ll spend less than ₦1k.
Cassava and corn
This may be your cue to take a certain presidential candidate’s advice and start looking for where to buy corn. If there’s no corn, find cassava or fufu. Narrator: “For what?”
Raw Indomie
Who has time to put Indomie on fire and wait for 10 minutes before it’s ready. Also, I know we’re working with a budget and there’s a chance you can’t afford the gas to cook it. Just eat the thing raw and drink water.
Food for the soul
Since you’re deaf to what inflation is saying right now and are still looking for food that’s under ₦1k, just read the word of God. It’s food for your soul, and it’s free.
Hi there, Arsenal fan. If you think we’re trying to make you nostalgic, you’re right. If you also think we’re trying to make you cry because your club is now in shambles, you’re also right.
Just enjoy this throwback to the times when Arsenal used to be lit.
Arsenal goes 49 league games unbeaten in the 2003/2004 season
Arsenal beats Madrid at the Bernabeu Stadium in 2006
No English club had ever done this.
Arsenal plays against Barcelona in the Champions League final in 2006.
Only God knows when we’ll see this happen again.
They still lost anyway, but that’s not the point.
Bergkamp scores the goal of the season in 1997
Thierry Henry helps Arsenal to a 5 – 1 win against Inter Milan in 2003
Do you really watch football or you’re one of the frauds that only watch the highlights? Can you prove yourself? Unscramble the names of these players in 2 minutes if you’re so sure.
Questions
This is a question
You got #{score}/#{total}
We’re sure you sit at the back of the television during football matches. Because how do we explain this travesty?
You got #{score}/#{total}
You shout “Siuuu!” at every match but you can’t even recognize Ronaldo’s name. Shame on you.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You’re the real MVP! Tell everybody you know that Zikoko said so.
Part of being in the streets is flirting with the idea of leaving and finding love, but never really doing it. If you’ve been saying “God when” since God-knows-when, come and catch your sub here.
But the moment you experience any of these nine things, know that your streets days are numbered.
You keep catching the bouquet at wedding parties
This should be your cue that it’s time to bounce. If you don’t leave the streets after catching at least three bouquets, whatever you see, just take it like that.
You cringe at romantic videos
If you ever feel like slapping the people in romantic videos, then maybe it’s because it’s biting your body and you can’t wait for somebody’s son to find you.
Your friends keep tagging you on posts about single people
But you shrug it off because that’s just the cost of keeping your peace of mind.
You keep saying “God when” to every love story you hear
Even when you know fully well that you’re the one doing this to yourself.
You’ve stopped saying “God When” because you know God has blocked you
Even God is tired of hearing your “God when” all the time.
You’re losing your touch, fam. You’ve done your part and it’s time to retire from the streets.
Your talking stages start lasting longer
Have you forgotten the “no commitments” rule? You don dey lose focus. Shey breakfast no dey fear you?
There’s no one left to go to the club with
Most of your folks are getting comfy with their partners but you’re outside with the last two remaining members of your crew, screaming, “We outside!” at 2 a.m.
When you finally take our advice and leave the streets for good
We’re not saying you won’t be back, but at least rest a little.
ASUU has gone on strike so many times, that school is now a side-gig for students. If you’re a student, take this quiz and we’ll guess what you’ve been doing during the strike.
Very soon, Nigerian politicians are going to start telling us sweet stories of how they’re bringing us heaven if they get elected. Before you fall our hand and start taking their word for it, take this quiz about basic Nigerian politics.
You might think only two political parties are stressing your life as a Nigerian, but there are actually 18 of them. How did they come to be, and what’s their origin story? We’ve dug up the stories of the biggest ten, so we can gist you.
All Progressives Congress (APC)
Founded: 2013
National Chairman: Abdullahi Adamu
This broomstick party blew up like a fintech startup and took everywhere by storm in the 2015 elections. Taking one more cue from the tech world, they were formed through a merger of three parties — the Action Congress of Nigeria (ACN), the Congress for Progressive Change (CPC), and the All Nigeria People’s Party (ANPP). They even had factions join them from the All Progressive Grand Alliance (APGA) and the People’s Democratic Party (PDP).
As if all the pepper these parties showed us before then wasn’t enough, they had to band together to form the biggest crew of pepper-sprayers we’ve known to date. And in 2023, they’re gearing up to show us even more pepper by fielding Bola Ahmed Tinubu and Kashim Shettima as presidential and vice-presidential candidates.
People’s Democratic Party
Founded: 1998
National Chairman: Iyorchia Ayu
This party had 16 years of uninterrupted rule over Nigeria’s affairs. They’ve taken us through good times and bad, and are now acting like that toxic ex who keeps trying to convince us they’re the best we’ve ever had.
This party was formed in 1998 and had its first presidential primary election in Jos, Plateau, in which Olusegun Obasanjo was nominated as the presidential candidate, and Atiku Abubakar, his vice presidential candidate. This party won every presidential election from 1998 to 2015 when they got bounced by the APC.
For the 2023 elections, they’re fielding Atiku Abubakar as their presidential candidate and Ifeanyi Okowa as the vice presidential candidate.
Labour Party (LP)
Founded: 2002
National Chairman: Julius Abure
This party sounds like a new one but has actually been around for a while. It was formed in 2002 back when the exchange rate was ₦120 to $1. It used to be called the Party for Social Democracy, but it seems someone in the party realised they needed something hip and moved for them to change the name to Labour Party after the 2003 general elections. This name is so clean, it’s giving startup vibes. They do believe in social democracy, so if you’re wondering what they want Nigeria to look like, think Sweden.
They’re fielding Peter Obi and Yusuf Datti-Ahmed as their presidential and vice presidential candidates for the 2023 elections.
Social Democratic Party
Founded: 1989
National Chairman: Vacant
This party is one of the oldest active parties in Nigeria at the moment. But what we don’t understand is how they’ve managed to hold only a tiny fraction of the seats in all political positions in the country. The party was created alongside the defunct National Republican Convention (NRC) by Gen. Ibrahim Babangida as part of a democracy project to detribalize Nigerian politics. NRC died, while SDP stuck around. Their main agenda is to improve welfare and promote social justice.
Even though you may not have heard a lot about this party in mainstream politics, it has had some of the most notable Nigerians as members in the past. People like Rabiu Kwankwaso, Jerry Gana, Umaru Yar’adua, Atiku Abubakar and Bola Ahmed Tinubu. In fact, the popular June 12 elections had SDP as the winning party, as M.K.O Abiola was the presidential candidate of the party.
For the 2023 elections, this party is fielding Prince Adewole Adebayo as its presidential candidate and Nafisa Mohammed Bolori as its vice presidential candidate.
All Progressives Grand Alliance (APGA)
Founded: 2003
National Chairman: Victor Oye
There’s a hot contest about who really founded this party, between Chekwas Okorie and Chukwuemeka Ojukwu. But we know two things for sure: this party was founded in 2003, and its first presidential candidate was Chukwuemeka Ojukwu. He didn’t win the election, but the party went on to win two seats in the House of Representatives. Today, they only have four seats in the House of Representatives.
Next year, we’ll see this party in the election scene with strange names like Professor Peter Umeadi as the presidential candidate and Abdullahi Koli as his running mate.
We’ve said it before, this party gives us stealth startup vibes. They started out as a political association in 2016 and didn’t get registered until 2017. They were formed on the basis of social democracy to fight for social justice and provide equal opportunities for all Nigerians. The only problem is they only won one of the 109 seats in the Nigerian senate during the 2019 elections.
They’ve fielded popular names before; Professor Kingsley Moghalu emerged as the presidential candidate of the party in 2019. For the coming elections [2023], Prince Malik Ado-Ibrahim is the party’s presidential candidate.
New Nigeria Peoples Party (NNPP)
Founded: 2001
National Chairman: Prof. Rufai Ahmed Alkali
This party is also one of the oldies as it was founded in 2001 by Boniface Aniebonam. They’re as old as GSM’s stay in Nigeria. The party is currently fielding the former governor of Kano State, Rabiu Kwankwaso, as its presidential candidate for the 2023 elections.
Accord
Founded: Unknown
National Chairman: Hon. Mohammad Lawal Nalado
This party was founded by the former Oyo State governor, Rashidi Ladoja, but no one really remembers when. He ditched his own party and defected to the People’s Democratic Party in 2017. The party only won one seat in the House of Representatives, but they’re sure they’ll give Nigeria its next president. They’re fielding Professor Christopher Imumolen as their candidate for the 2023 presidential elections.
Allied People’s Movement (APM)
Founded: 2018
National Chairman: Yusuf Dantalle
Not much is known about this party asides from the fact that they were officially registered with the INEC in 2018. While they were an unofficial party, they endorsed President Muhammadu Buhari’s candidacy in 2015. Currently, they’re looking to enter Aso Villa themselves by fielding Yusuf Dantalle as their presidential candidate for the 2023 elections. It just might be the only party that has the national chairman running for president.
People’s Redemption Party (PRP)
Founded: 1978
National Chairman: Mallam Falalu Bello
As far as we can tell, this party is the longest surviving in Nigeria. It really takes the cake as the last man standing from the last generation. The party was created by the supporters of Mallam Aminu Kano after his withdrawal from the National Party of Nigeria (NPN) in 1978. They were initially banned by Gen. Muhammadu Buhari, during his first shift as Nigeria’s Head of State, but resurfaced in the 90s and have been unable to gather the same level of support.
The party is fielding Kola Abiola, the son of M.K.O Abiola, as its presidential candidate for the 2023 elections.
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