The Big Brother Naija Season 7 host, Ebuka Obi-Uchendu, tweeted a very valid question asking how people are still eating snails in this economy. And we’re here to tell you exactly how to eat snails without breaking the bank.
Pepper is expensive, bring your own
To enjoy the rich and moist flavours of snail, you need to pair it with pepper sauce; it’s best served hot and spicey. So bring the pepper from your house and maybe the chef will reduce the price. But I can’t say eating them raw doesn’t bang as well.
Start catching them yourself
If you think the price of snails is too much, you need to start catching your own. You and the chef will have a feast because who doesn’t want free snails? So the more of them you find, the merrier.
Ask them to serve you with the shell
You know cracking off the shell of a snail is not like breaking open an egg, right? It’s time-consuming and you’ll almost always end up with a cut from trying to get it off. I’d say the solution is for restaurants to start serving the snails with their shells on. You can’t deny that there’s some appeal to the stress of finally stripping off a hard shell.
Quit your job and become a snail farmer
Snails are easier to find during the rainy season, so restaurants charge that much because they’re seasonal. So what you can do is quit your job and become a snail farmer. Harvest as many as you can and start a supply chain.
Find a 30+ man that loves local bars and beer
Snails are expensive because 30+ men love to order them with beer while watching football at their local bars. So to find cheap snails, I’ll advise you to start going to local bars and attach yourself to 30+ snail lovers. Avoid Manchester United fans sha, they don’t have any joy.
Another stressful step to prepping snails is getting rid of that sliminess. You can offer your expertise to local restaurants and offer to clean them. Preferably after they’ve at least been steamed.
Just make more money
Snail is not a local champion and probably deserves the hype it’s getting. In France, they’re called escargots and 6 – 12 pieces can cost between $15 – $50 (₦6k – ₦21k). So as you can see, snail is a world-class dish and not for the poor.
If you read this article with any other thing in mind, I’ll advise you to check yourself.
Since I started writing Letters #ToHER, I’ve come across the sweetest words shared between friends. But I’ve also seen best friends that barely care to hug each other. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that the most successful friendships always fit into one of these 10 duos.
The babe that has at least five foundations lined up in her drawer:
And the friend that can’t do makeup to save her life :
Is a friendship really complete if one friend doesn’t always need help getting ready for events? I can’t imagine such.
The friend that goes on the wildest dates and brings all the tea:
And the friend that’s planning to marry her secondary school crush:
Don’t you just love a duo with one friend who shows wickedness on the streets and another who tensions everyone on social media with “God when” vibes?
The ballsy friend that doesn’t take crap from anybody:
The ajebo friend that needs ginger to try new things:
Blood Sisters is one movie that sums up what this type of friendship looks like. You have the babe that’s willing to kill for her friend and the babe that’ll ride or die with her crazy friend.
The planner:
The carefree friend that trusts the universe to decide what happens in life:
Someone has to take charge of the future while the other person schedules periods to calm down.
The besties who have their periods in sync and have an attitude together:
Every real friendship has to be sealed by tears, blood and period cramps.
The anxious friend that doesn’t realise how smart she is:
The friend that’s always on standby to hype her bestie:
Every girl needs a babe friend that’ll hype her up unprovoked and knows exactly how to get her energy up.
The bestie who’s a social media influencer:
And the bestie that has to give feedback before every video and picture goes up and still hypes a post like she’s never seen it in her life:
Behind every creative is a bestie who doubles as a manager and hype woman.
The bestie who’s married, a hot mum and premium pie:
And the bestie who’s single and prefers to play the rich aunty role forever:
Imagine the joy of getting to play mummy and returning the kids back to their real mummy when you’re over them. That’s the joy of every rich aunty out there.
The gym babe that’s all about the squats:
And the bestie that has the superpower to eat five times a day without adding weight:
How can we all benefit from the superpower of eating without spending the whole day sucking in our tummies? These are global issues we need to address.
The pasta babe that only wants to eat out:
And the bestie who doubles as an accountant:
It’s either your bestie goes broke and spends months on your couch, or you put on your accountant hat and play devil’s advocate anytime she wants to squander money in the name of enjoyment.
The ride-or-die besties that only say “I love you” once in a blue moon
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.
Image credit: Upsplash, @vitaelondon
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 45-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about spending the last 22 years in the UK moving from one menial job to another, not wanting her daughter to see her retire as a shop worker and finally going back to university.
What’s something about life you’re enjoying?
Working towards going back to school next year. It hasn’t been easy though. I didn’t think I’d actually care to get another degree after my bachelor’s in education in 1999. It took three months for me to even find my university certificate to apply for the programme I’m currently considering.
So what prompted your decision to go back to school?
After 14 years of working in retail stores in the UK, I’d like to get a proper white-collar job, possibly in a government office as administrative staff.
Retail is a time-consuming and physically tasking job. As I get older, I don’t see myself being able to keep up with loading shelves and working late nights.
An office job would come with much higher health insurance and retirement fund than my current job, and I’d get to close at 6 p.m. and stay home with my husband and daughter during public holidays.
Now that my daughter is eight and a lot more independent, I can sit down to work on my applications without so many distractions.
Before your daughter, what made getting a new job difficult?
I got into the UK illegally in 2001. I couldn’t settle in as an immigrant until 2008 when I married her dad. So at first, retail jobs were a means to getting paid in cash rather than opening up a bank account. It’s not possible to get one without proper papers.
Omo. So how did you get into the UK?
Through my older sister. She and her husband decided to take a trip with their three-year-old daughter to Cardiff, in 2001 and took me along. I was 24. After two months of living there, I couldn’t imagine coming back to Nigeria. I lived in Lagos with no job or real plans for the future. So when it was time to return, I told my sister I wanted to stay back.
Of course, she advised against it, but I felt I could manage on my own.
And she was cool with that?
No. But she couldn’t physically drag me back.
Image credit: iStock clipart
Did you have any plans?
I’d heard stories of a lot of Nigerians moving to the UK by refusing to leave after coming for a holiday. Of course, no one ever named names, but I knew there was some truth to the gossip. I felt like I could do the same.
I didn’t think beyond staying back with the family friend we’d stayed with during our two-month holiday.
So how did you scale through?
Well, I got a cleaning job that paid cash. They didn’t ask me questions about my work permit. And since my brother-in-law schooled in Cardiff for his master’s, he was able to get me fake working papers through some of his friends.
You weren’t caught. How?
I made sure I didn’t walk around unnecessarily. If I didn’t have any houses to clean, I was home. But I knew hiding didn’t change the reality that I could be caught at any time. All it took was one random ID check or a phone call to the police from a colleague who didn’t like me. I made it as far as I did because of God.
My sister was also a huge support system. Back then, renewing visas wasn’t as complicated as it is now. So whenever my sister or her husband had a friend going back to Nigeria, I’d give them my passport and they’d pay for it to get stamped. We did that like once a year.
Wow
Yeah. We tried to tick all the boxes as much as we could under the radar. Plus, Cardiff is a small town, so people rarely got into your business.
I can’t imagine what it felt like to constantly be afraid
I wasn’t thinking about that. I made the decision to stay and understood the consequences. There was no going back.
After almost two years of living with my friend, I had to find my own place. She’d gotten pregnant and wanted her boyfriend to move in. I never liked the guy. Imagine coming home to an entitled white man who didn’t seem to have any plans for his life. There was no way I’d be comfortable putting up with him in those tiny UK flats.
Were you prepared to move out?
Yes and no. I honestly didn’t have a plan on how to get a permanent residence visa in the UK, but I was saving up to explore my options with school. The sudden transition from having a home to potentially being homeless was going to slow down the process.
So what happened next?
I got another job. This time, one of my colleagues from the cleaning company linked me with a man who needed someone to manage a home for homeless old people around the neighbourhood. He needed someone to make sure things didn’t get out of hand whenever he was out of town.
The pay wasn’t great. But at least, I got a room to myself and didn’t have to pay for rent anymore.
He didn’t do a background check on you?
He was an old man. I don’t think he cared. I just had to reassure him I had two years of experience in cleaning. The work extended to much more than cleaning though — I had to manage the daily activities of the guests — but what other options did I have?
What gave you peace of mind, considering your illegal status?
Mostly church. It was my happy place; my faith kept me together. I also had someone I started dating in 2004. We met in church when I first moved to the UK and things gradually grew between us. He was a Jamaican man born in Britain.
He knew about my situation and supported me the best he could, but there were days I just wanted to go back home.
When did things start coming together for you?
2008. But before then, things completely fell apart.
What happened?
I decided to get a new job in 2005. I’d spent a year working at the house, but I didn’t feel fulfilled spending my entire day stuck inside. I started to look out for store jobs that paid in cash. I didn’t want to continue with a cleaning job.
How’d that go?
The job I got was at a food store owned by an older Nigerian woman. She was a citizen, and quite friendly, so I opened up about my issues with documentation to her. It took me four months to get to that point of trust, but it was the worst mistake I made in the UK.
A few weeks after our conversation, immigration officers showed up at the store. Luckily, I was walking down to the store with my boyfriend that morning, so he followed me to their office.
Do you think your boss snitched?
Maybe. I never got a chance to confront her. Anyone working at the store could’ve overheard our conversation, or even a customer, who knows? But they came straight toward me, and I knew the last four years were going down the drain.
Omo
They took me to their office and things moved fast from there.
Since my boyfriend was a British citizen, he was able to intervene.
How?
The paid visa I’d gotten through my sister had expired a few weeks before I was caught. So my boyfriend told the officers he was the reason I hadn’t gone back to my country yet. He explained he wanted to travel back to Nigeria with me to get married, hence the delay. He also got a good immigration lawyer to plead for my passport to not be stamped since we’d be getting married soon.
Did you still have to leave the country?
Yes. I had a week to pack up and leave. But a year later, my boyfriend came to Nigeria for our wedding. We got married and moved to the UK immediately after our marriage certificates were ready.
Before then, I won’t deny I’d lost hope. I wasn’t happy to be back in Lagos sharing a room with my niece and not having anything tangible to do every day. But I kept in touch with my partner through phone calls, and sometimes, Facebook.
A part of me felt ashamed.
Why shame?
At 28, and after four years of living abroad, I didn’t have anything good to show for it. Compared to my older sister, my life was pretty unsuccessful. She was 31, married with two kids at that point, and to my parents, those were achievements. Praying was the only thing that kept me together during that one year in Lagos.
Thinking about it now, would you have done things differently?
No. I’m happy I took the risk in my early 20s. It wasn’t the wisest decision, but I’m here today. The struggle taught me I can survive anything. That’s why I’m not bothered about going back to school at 45.
The only thing I’d change is coming back to the UK in 2008 after we got married, and sticking to the same menial jobs because it was the only thing I knew how to do. I don’t want to retire as a store attendant.
I hope you’re able to change careers
Thank you. I also want my daughter to be proud of me. I see how excited she gets when my husband talks about his job as a psychiatrist. I want her to look at me with the same pride when I talk about my day too.
If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why
Like me, you probably come across the “never dating a broke babe or guy” conversation at least once a day on social media. But I was curious about how someone who’s actually had an unemployed partner feels about that hot take. In this article, Dolapo* shares her experience.
She opened up about the first real relationship she had after university. Initially, it was all about looks, but the night they finally hung out, Dolapo* realised there was a lot more to his pretty face. My burning question: What kept them together, and would she do it all over again even though their relationship didn’t last?
My Cute, Resilient and Broke Lover as Told to Ortega
I was 21 when I got into my first official relationship. Before meeting this person, I was in university, so I’d only dated childhood friends, nothing serious.
We met when I was in the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in 2016. I was working at a radio station in Abuja, and he showed up looking for a job at the time. When I saw him at the reception, my immediate thought was, “This guy is cute!” I noticed he was wearing a Catholic rosary ring, but he looked way too young to be married. Rather than stand and stare, I decided to walk up to him and ask.
Turned out he wasn’t married; he wore the ring because of his faith. The conversation went on with how I liked him and thought he was really cute. I wasn’t the kind of girl to shy away from being upfront, so it wasn’t awkward.
When he was done submitting his files, I asked my colleague for his phone number. My colleague was a presenter at the station trying to link my new crush with a job, and he didn’t think it was weird to shoot my shot if I liked him. I called that evening and invited him to my house the next day. Of course, we already had a vibe going on, so he showed up.
We shared a lot more about each other when he came over. He was only four years older than me. But that’s when he opened up about being laid over from his job at the bank nine months earlier and had been looking for a new one ever since. The 21-year-old me didn’t think it was a big deal. After all, my previous relationships were with students who were also unemployed. Maybe it would’ve made a difference if I’d dated proper adults with a job back in uni.
Besides, I just wanted to have fun. I didn’t think anything would last since I’d be moving back to Lagos at the end of my service year.
I can’t even remember at what point we officially started dating, everything happened fast. That one evening he came over turned into seeing him every day after work, and that was it. He showed up at my office a lot because he was keen on working at that particular station as a presenter. When I asked him why he wanted to move from banking to presenting, he went on about experiencing something more creative. And you don’t need to have a specific background to get into a radio station, so I didn’t dwell on it.
Of course, he also wanted our relationship hush hush so it didn’t ruin his chances of getting in. But in the whole year, we were together, he never got the job. While we dated, I tried persuading him to try another station. But, he was bent on famzing my colleagues, hoping they’d pull one or two strings.
Asides from the issue of getting a job, I did enjoy spending time with him. He was nice, funny, and obviously, cute. We knew how to have fun together too. The sex was also so great I’m sure we wouldn’t have made it through an entire year of dating otherwise. A part of me loved how available he was. Working at a media company meant I had really long days except during CDS. We didn’t even observe public holidays because we always had to be on air. So, it was convenient having someone who could easily visit me.
His availability became an issue when working in a busy environment meant I couldn’t always take his calls or respond to a message quickly enough. His typical day was calling me in the morning, sending texts during the day and showing up at my house between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m., depending on how long I’m at the office. Trying to match that energy all the time got tiring after a few months. Yet, I needed the company because I didn’t have a lot of friends in Abuja.
We never celebrated milestones in our relationship. Six months went by without any date out or gifts, and so did our first anniversary. But the major issue was depending on my NYSC allowance to buy food for both of us anytime he came over. I never brought it up though. I understood he relied on his savings from his bank job and allowance from his older brother.
There was never anyone to think through the situation with. I didn’t see the need to share it with my old friends. It was just him and I in our little bubble. And that worked for me at 21. I didn’t need much more than the comfort of having someone to talk to, laugh and enjoy intimacy with after a long day. That’s why everything needed to end when it was time to move back to Lagos.
NYSC was over. The carefree life in Abuja needed to come to an end. There was no way a long-distance relationship could work because what was going for us was the physical presence; his fine face was my first attraction and the sex was what kept us together. Without the ability to see each other at every whim, there wasn’t much left.
I geared myself to break up with him, but he beat me to it. I guess he knew the end was inevitable. I was glad he took that responsibility away from me, but I was sad, really sad. The last time I heard from him, he’d finally gotten a job. But it was with one of the shitty radio stations in Abuja. He actually moved to Lagos this year, so we jam sometimes. But our conversations never go beyond a “hello” or “hi”.
Nothing about the year I spent dating him makes me feel like I can ever date an unemployed guy. I’ve never relied on anyone for anything, but I’d still want my partner to actively look out for jobs or at least start a business. That was something he never did at the time. He was stuck on one thing, and that’s not how life works.
Heck, the guy I started dating a year after our breakup, currently doesn’t have a job because he’s relocating soon and had to resign. That’s the kind of unemployed love that eventually works out. We’re both pulling our weight for a better future, so the momentary delay doesn’t matter.
As a full-grown adult, how are you still making soggy, tasteless or half-done jollof rice? Your ancestors would be ashamed, dear. Here are eight hacks to elevate that semi-white rice you’ve been cooking.
Measure things out
I know we talk about adding ingredients as the spirit leads, but jollof rice is nobody’s mate. You can see people like Sisi Yemi measuring the ratio of tomatoes to pepper, and you’re there forming chef. Better click any of these jollof rice videos and pick a recipe.
Try crayfish
Crayfish is an underrated ingredient that more people need to try. Add crayfish to anything and get an instant earthy taste that takes you back to eating jollof rice in the village — maybe it’s the Igbo babe in me talking. But crayfish will save your jollof rice when all hope is lost.
With jollof rice, you have to find what works for you. One hack I’ve found is to add green, yellow and red peppers to my tomato and pepper mix. Compared to ata rodo, they aren’t as spicey, and they help tone down the tangy taste of tomatoes.
Add stock to your tomato and pepper blend
Blend your ingredients with meat stock rather than water. Less water allows more flavour from the ingredients to come through; stop drowning all the flavour in water. Also, add some ground garlic and ginger if that’s your jam.
Cover the pot with foil to soften your rice
Please, stop pouring water every time you open the pot. Lower the heat, cover the bottom of the lid with foil paper to trap the steam and the rice will get soft. Think of it like making moi-moi, the steam is what actually cooks it.
How much flavour gets into it is what separates basic jollof from party jollof. Next time, fry your meat first, then use the oil to caramelise your onions and fry your pepper mix. This important process forces the spices from your meat and onions into the oil and makes the rice taste better.
Add charcoal
Yes, dear. We know the charcoal taste from firewood bangs, but who has the energy? I tried this hack that made my jollof rice come close to the taste, so you’re welcome. Just wrap one charcoal in foil paper and put it in when the rice is almost ready. If you don’t know where to find charcoal, sorry.
Just buy the rice
The reality may be that making jollof rice is not your thing. Order from Iya Sukirat and rest.
We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: Arike, the woman who sees herself as an extension of her mum
To: Iya Arike, a woman who’s deeply missed
Iya Arike,
I’ve thought about everything I wanted to write in this letter every day that led up to this moment. But here I am at past 1 in the morning and nothing seems perfect or right. I guess that’s because none of this is right. I shouldn’t be writing this letter talking about the crushing pain in my chest from missing you so much. I think “I miss you so much it hurts,” is such a hauntingly beautiful line whenever I come across it in novels. But now I’m experiencing it, all I see and feel is the unending pain in my chest from losing you.
It’s been over a year now, but it feels like just yesterday, you took your last breath in my arms. It feels like just yesterday, I was scrambling to remember everything I learnt about CPR from medical school so I could bring you back from what should’ve been a nap. It’ll always feel like just yesterday, I felt my heart plummet to my feet when I realised you were gone.
But a million and one things have happened since you’ve been gone. The earth had the audacity to keep spinning as my entire world was crumbling without you. I’m stuck with so many questions I don’t have answers to, mummy.
I have no idea who I am anymore. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself. The person staring back at me cannot be your Arikenke. But then, how can I be Arike without you Iya Arike? How can I live with just the memories of you? Memories of the past? I’m so lost without you.
You spoke way too much about the future to not be in it with me, mummy. You had the outfit you’d wear for my induction planned. You spoke so fondly about my wedding, how you’d come to do omugwo and how my siblings and our future families would all come back home for the Christmas holidays. “You can spend new year’s with your inlaws”, you’d say.
As it stands, you’ve missed three graduations so far, and it hurts that you’ll miss mine too. Damn, you’ll miss everything you spoke about mummy. The beautiful visions of the future you always painted with your words will always exist in my mind, but reality will never measure up.
It’s funny how when I was younger, I’d always disagree with people when they say I look like you. The daddy’s girl in me just wouldn’t allow it. But here I am now, basking in those comments I now consider compliments. Because if I turn out to be like you, that’d be the best thing I can aspire to be.
Is it weird that I think you’re my soulmate, mummy? Because it should be impossible to love and miss you as much as I do if you aren’t an extension of me. I guess this is why I feel like people who met me after you passed will never truly know me. They’d never truly know the Arike who was loved so dearly and intentionally by her mother. You were all the best parts of me.
My heart will love you forever, Iya Arike. My thoughts will always stray to memories of you, and my soul will yearn for yours as long as there is breath in my lungs.
Watch over your baby, mummy. I’m just trying my best and in way more pain than I let on.
All of my love,
Your Arikenke.
Letters #ToHER will be ending in September. We have two more slots to share a letter, so click here if you’d like to write one too.
If we can get you drunk with honey, just imagine the endless possibilities with it. Here are eight snacks you need to try with honey for the ultimate sweet tooth experience.
Honey and ice cream
The star of the show. Caramel is a pretty nice topping, but there’s something about the natural taste of honey and vanilla ice cream topped with crushed wafers that just works.
Honey and oatmeal
Pick honey over sugar next time you want to have oatmeal. The trick is to add more water to dissolve the thick honey paste. I promise you’ll never go back to sugar after this.
Honey and pancakes
I don’t get why people bother with syrup when honey exists. It’s much healthier than pancake syrup, so you don’t have to feel guilty pouring it all over your pancakes.
Don’t knock it till you try it Golden Morn and sugar with lots of milk is already a hit and you’ll only contest this if you’re a semo lover. But Golden Morn and honey? That’s something you need to try while snuggled in on rainy nights.
Honey and apples
Peanut butter and apples work as a midnight snack if you’re feeling peckish, but if you’re looking for something sweet, honey and apples are your go-to. And if you now blend that combo with cucumber, you’ll get a really nice smoothie as a breakfast meal.
Honey, Greek yoghurt and chopped fruits
Parfaits are already sweet because of the natural sugar in fruits. But if you’re a sweet tooth like me that wants to pretend to be fitfam and enjoy a sweet snack, add a teaspoon of honey to the yoghurt and thank me later.
Regular salt and sugar popcorn can get pretty boring, so honey-flavoured popcorn has been my new addiction when I go to the cinema. The only place I’ve had one is at Grand Square in Abuja, so maybe try this homemade version?
Honey and puff puff
I don’t rate puff puff, but glaze it with honey and it becomes a 10. Bonus points if it’s chocolate or red velvet puff puff.
Eyelash extensions are lifesavers on the days you want to look cute with minimum effort. But if you’re like me who doesn’t know the first thing about make-up, you may need details to help you decide if it’s a beauty hack you’d get into. I asked women who’ve been on the trend for the pros and cons, and here’s what they shared:
Pro: With lash extensions, you don’t have to get into the hassle of using glue to get your lashes on every single time. With proper maintenance, they last for at least three weeks.
Con: The first time you get lashes, you instinctively want to take them off at the end of the day. But sorry, sis. You’ll have them glued on for two to four weeks.
Pro: You’ll always look like a baby girl, with or without makeup. Your lashes will be on fleek semi-permanently, so you don’t need to stress.
Con: You’re stuck with one look for a month. With regular lashes, you can choose to go bare or with a dramatic or simple set, depending on the occasion. But with lashes you install, you’ll have to stick with any set you choose through thick or thin.
Pro: It’s easy to find the right people to provide the service at home or the saloon.
Con: It can be expensive depending on where you’re located, but things typically range from ₦5k – ₦30k. And you’ll still need to either re-fill in 3 – 4 weeks or completely change them.
Pro: You’ll never want to stop when you start because you’ll get so many compliments.
Con: There’s a very thin line between looking pretty and looking like a crazy person. If your installation isn’t done properly, you may end up looking like you have feathers latched onto your eyelids.
Pro: You get to go to bed with your lashes and they won’t feel heavy on your eyelids.
Con: They’ll fall off if you itch your eyes often, or pour water over your face when you bathe, because the glue gets weak. Here’s a video showing how you can wash your face without getting water all over your lashes.
We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: Timah, a woman who wants to be as kind and present as her best friend
To: Wunmi, the best friend going through a rough patch
Dear Wunmi,
I’m sincerely sorry I haven’t been a good friend in the last year. I’ve been selfish and way too absorbed by my woes to notice how difficult life has become since your relationship ended. Too absorbed to notice your fake smile at my weird jokes, or how you ignored my rude remarks about the break-up even though they hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t as sensitive as you needed me to be.
I always ascribed your incessant kindness to curiosity, but an epiphany has made me realise it stems from pure undiluted love.
I have no idea how someone so selfless and kind would care about a narcissist like me. But I want you to know, although I can’t promise to change overnight, I’ll always make a conscious effort to overwhelm you with delicious acts of service.
I want to go on dates with you — a soiree of some sort — as besties. I know taking pictures isn’t your forte, but imagine how we would freeze time with our awkward smiles and lopsided poses for shy girls.
I want us to binge on your favourite snacks, stuffing our faces with every last crumb. Watching as you try something new and complain bitterly about false advertising and overpriced unnecessaries, or sandwich a compliment between mouthful sighs to water down the aspersions.
I want us to have sleepovers, comparing notes about past lovers, but eventually taking their sides and remembering only the good because we’re soft-hearted hard guys. I love our laughable combination of twisting and writhing we call dancing to loud evergreen songs. And doing it all while we’d sing wrong lyrics aloud without a care in the world.
Wunmi, I want to dance with you, then slowly slip away and watch you dance alone, smiling ear-to-ear with a tear in my eye upon the realisation that I’ve struck gold by being friends with you.
Complete happiness might not be realistic in this cracked-up world, so I pray for you to have complete contentment and a loving spouse who adores you. Anything less would be unacceptable.
I love you so much, and I hope life smiles broadly at you in every aspect you need and more. Let’s always be in each other’s lives.
Ifẹ ti Emi ko yẹ ni ohun ti o fun mi. O ti fẹràn mi lainidi.
Thanks for loving me, my friend.
Your nonchalant sunshine,
Timah
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It’s International Youth Day, so I decided to ask nine oldies what makes them feel young at heart. And I can’t lie, some of these guys are living life more than some people in their 20s.
Tejiri*, 55, smoking
I grew up in Warri and started smoking in secondary school. I started out with cigarettes, so it’s the only thing I really enjoy. I did try weed with a few friends in university, but it didn’t hit the same and I can’t explain why.
Some people may look at smoking at least one cigarette after my meal as an addiction, but that time in my backyard late at night or early in the morning makes me feel really connected to my youth. For a moment, I’m not 55. With my cigarette, I’m just back to hiding at the back of classes, smoking weed with my friends.
Amaka, 51, roasted pear
My fondest memory of my youth is sneaking away from my chores at home to my grandmother’s house. She lived behind my street, so getting there was easy. I loved those brief moments of doing nothing with her and my favourite part was the roasted peer she gave me any time I visited.
So whenever it’s pear season, like now, I can’t do without buying some for me and my kids. It just makes life feel a bit simpler.
I played every kind of sport back in UNIBEN in 1985. I was always athletic as a kid, so from football to badminton and swimming competitions, I was front and centre. Then three years after university, I broke both my knees trying to jump over a fence to escape some thieves. I had to learn how to walk again, so sports was completely out of the question.
I haven’t been able to play football or any really active sport like I used to. But swimming is something I’ve kept up with and I do with my youngest son now. It doesn’t give me the same adrenaline as competing in a match, but it makes me feel young being in a pool and just moving.
Pamela*, 40, watching K-drama
Right now, feeling young comes from the days I don’t need to do anything with myself. And watching romantic Korean movies takes my mind off everything that’s bothering me, especially my health. All the drama feels so unreal, but it’s what I love about K-dramas.
Ronke*, 45, spontaneity
I feel young again when I take spontaneous decisions. Normally, I’d have to factor in my husband and two kids, but the moments I take a decision to travel with a friend without overthinking things, I feel like a kid again. Mostly because spontaneity allows me to imagine my life without my current responsibilities.
Dwin, 27 (but acts 40+), knowing what’s hip
What makes me feel young? When I know the Gen Z slangs. Like ‘okuurr’, ‘big purrr’ (insert other Gen Z sounds).
Being fit, active and having the energy to do everything I want or need to makes me feel like age isn’t catching up with me. My work in media also makes me feel like I’m plugged into the world and what is being created. I also engage with a wide range of people from different age groups.
There’s a lot to look forward to; a long optimistic horizon of things to accomplish and things I haven’t done yet. And living out what feels like a full life, with fulfilling work and social life, real friendships and families keeps me from thinking I’m getting old.
Uche, 42, wine
Every day I come back from work, I just want to catch up on my 7 p.m. shows like Tinsel, and end the day with a glass of wine at 10 p.m. Does it make me feel young? Not exactly. It’s just a momentary pleasure that stops time for a few moments. I don’t think about my two kids, my job or the fact that I’ll do it all over again tomorrow.
Daniel*, 56, driving
When I was in my second year at university, my father gave me his Peugeot 504 to get around. I was a young guy staying off campus and schooling in UNIBEN at the time, so that car unlocked a new level of freedom for me.
I was invited to every single party on campus the moment people noticed I had a car. Most people didn’t, so I was the guy who could pick up babes for the parties outside school. And of course, I could easily drive down to UNILAG, for instance. My social status basically went up in my second year, and it made me love driving, especially on wide-open roads.
Now, I get those flashbacks to my party days when I drive sometimes. It makes me feel good and young.
Onyeche, 52, dyeing my hair
At the beginning of 2022, my daughter kept going on and on about how my hair wasn’t growing anymore. She suggested cutting and dyeing it gold. I felt it would be a bit drastic. But when she went back to school in March, I got bored and decided to try it out. She’d recommended a saloon, so I drove down and showed them a picture of the style she suggested. It had a side part and fade, but I didn’t want to over-analyse my decision at that point.
When they were done, it was such a relief to get rid of my hair. The gold dye completely changed my look, and I loved it. I haven’t looked back on my decision since then. I even just dyed my hair red. It’s loud, but that’s the part about dyeing my hair that feels so youthful.
