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  • What is the capital of Ghana?

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the Man Like series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    Today’s Man Like subject is Akindare, a 30-year-old content strategist. He tells us about growing to fill the void left by his father, attending four universities and navigating vulnerability.

    When did you first realise you were a man?

    I suppose I’d say when I was eight or nine years old. Back then, I had my own keys to the house. My mother was practically a working single mother because my dad was hardly involved, so I had to come home from school myself. This went on until we were thrown out of the house because my father spent the rent my mother had given to him.

    What?

    Yeah. My mom was the one with a steady job and she had barely saved up enough to make rent. She handed it over to my pops to pay, as per African tradition. He blew the money and we were evicted. 

    My parents were married for six years. As far as their relationship was concerned, the eviction was the last of many straws that broke the camel’s back. He was around after, but we weren’t really a family again.

    Wow.

    My dad was a fucking piece of work o. He womanised, hit my mom, was hardly ever present — all kinds of anyhowness. When they got married, my mom was a housewife. She ran a shop where she sold foodstuff. Then my dad lost his job and couldn’t secure another, so she closed her shop and found a civil service job to fend for my baby sister and me. She’d pay our school fees and give my dad the credit.

    After they split up, she started to open up to me about things and talk to me like I was an adult. She’d tell me everything going on between her and my dad, and in those moments, I felt like I had stepped up to fill the space my dad left. 

    I remember going with my mom to her office and all her colleagues would hail me “ọkọ mummy e,” “The man of the house.” I had the kind of independence I don’t imagine many kids at that age would have had. At the time, I didn’t know I was being a man; I just knew there was a void and I was being groomed to fill it.

    Wow. Your parents split up after the rent incident?

    Yes, though that was going to be the first of many splits. When he left the house, it was basically just me and my mom. There were short periods of time where he’d come back to live with us, but they were separated from when he got us evicted. It took almost one year for my mom to raise money for us to rent again. 

    Do you have any fond memories of your dad?

    People say I hardly talk about my dad but that’s just because there’s nothing to talk about. I don’t know the nigga, he doesn’t know me. The faintest bit of memory I have of him was when I was younger and he’d take me to Quranic school because he was a Muslim. Even when he was around, we never had much to talk about. 

    It annoys me when people ask me to invest in our relationship because “family is family, blood is blood” and all that shit. That ship has sailed, I’m 30 fucking years old. He should be the one hustling to be in my life, not the other way round. There’s nothing I’m getting out of this. If he had one money or connection, maybe I would be hustling for his affection. But as it is, there’s no upside for me. If he makes an effort, why not?

    Interesting. Do you think his absence shaped your character?

    Honestly, I don’t have a problem with him. Do I wish that he was present and he did everything better? Yes. But am I mad he wasn’t there? Not anymore. Because eventually, it all turned out fine without him. My mom’s doing okay, my sister is finding her way. The only thing I might hold against him is that life was much harder than it should have been. The hardship also helped build my character and the type of man I am today. His whole existence taught me how not to be a man. It taught me problem-solving skills as I had to be independent early on. All those struggles were beneficial in some way.

    Ultimately, his absence means I’ve grown independent. I learned to solve problems myself. I love my mother, but I’ll have to be dying before asking her for help. 

    Wow. You were quite self-sufficient.

    Yeah. I went to a military boarding school. After that, I went to four different universities where I mostly fended for myself. Shout out to my mom, she did what she could but N15k is not a lot of money when you’re in a private uni for a whole month. I was already running some small businesses – being a middleman, reselling clothes, writing gigs here and there, promoting parties.

    Four universities? How did that happen?

    I gained admission into the University of Ilorin. In my second year, some lecturer had problems with me because I was with some babe he had his eyes on. He failed me twice. My mom even came to the school to beg him, but he refused. My mother was like, “You know what? Pack your things. There’s no point wasting your time here.” 

    Next, I went to Ajayi Crowther University. In my second year again, there was a riot in school because someone died. Parts of the school were burnt down and the school was closed. When school resumed, they hiked up the fees and my mother couldn’t afford it anymore. Again, I left. 

    At this point, I was tired of writing JAMB, so I went to the Benin Republic. I spent some time at Oudegebe North American University, but every so often, they’d lose accreditation for their courses. At this point, I was only going to school because of my mom. She was so insistent that no matter what, I had to get a degree. She kept me going.

    I left Oudegebe University and went to Ecole Superieure Sainte Felicite University, also in Benin, where I got my degree in IT Management in 2015.

    Interesting. What’s your job like?

    I work in editorial strategy and comms for an international non-profit organization that’s dedicated to ending world poverty by 2030. My job is colourful. On some days, I’m a journalist investigating stories, doing interviews, analysis, research etc. On some days, I’m doing corporate communications like writing emails to be sent to CEOs and governments. On some other days, I’m a copywriter working on decks and presentations. On other days, I’m a strategist, thinking about how to pass a message across or campaign on an issue. I enjoy my work here knowing that story I covered or an article I wrote can affect one or two people in a positive way is super powerful to me.

    I also run a consulting company where we do marketing comms, brand management, content marketing etc.

    Based on your experience, I’m curious about what you think of toxic masculinity. 

    Like a lot of concepts, people interpret it differently. I think toxic masculinity is many ideas that aren’t beneficial to men but which men seem hell-bent on perpetuating. For example, not being able to be vulnerable or talk about your feelings. The aversion to talking about feelings and labelling feelings as feminine is what I define as toxic masculinity. 

    Has anything threatened your idea of what you consider toxic masculinity?

    I grew up around a lot of women and my idea of masculinity is not really influenced by a regular Nigerian man’s idea of what masculinity is. Like crying, for example.

    Interesting. When was the last time you cried?

    I think that was in January. I don’t cry a lot, but I was going through a lot in my personal life — my relationships, family, job — it was just a lot. I like to think I’m a sensitive person but not much of a crier. It’s not a lack of vulnerability, I just don’t express my emotions that way.

    Do you have any fears?

    One of my biggest fears is not being able to afford a comfortable life. I just want to be able to afford the things that give me joy. Because of my childhood, being pensive about money stresses me out so much. I hate having to borrow or scramble for money to afford what I want. Imagine I’m 40 and broke? It’s why I’m always trying to acquire new skill sets and work in all kinds of places. I just want to be able to give myself, my mom and my people a decent life.

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the Man Like series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

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  • The Nigerian society can be quite conservative. While the majority of older Nigerians struggle to enforce these religious and colonial-era dictates, a new crop of men is questioning the norm by wearing hairstyles outside the usual low-cut and cleanshaven look. I spoke to five of those men about their experiences going against the grain in a conservative society like Nigeria.

    Godwin

    A pastor’s kid with a church leadership role who graduated from Covenant Univerisity is the last person anyone would expect to start wearing dreadlocks, but I did it anyway. It started during my internship break from uni. It was against school rules to keep a full head of hair or facial hair, so the first time I got the chance to do it was during my internship break. That was six months of fights with my mom, with her always saying “Your hair is too full, I don’t like it. It doesn’t look good.”

    Fast forward to last year. After the lockdown, I twisted my hair for the first time and hid from my parents for some time until they saw a picture of me and called me “Gospel Naira Marley.” I knew I’d have to step down from church leadership.

    My mother and I had several rounds of arguments, which I usually won by saying, “You did what you wanted during your youth. This is my time, and this is what I want.” My dad shouted and shouted. I followed him to church with the hair, with the whole congregation staring at me.

    I think they’ve come to terms with it. At least, I haven’t been disowned yet. I’ve just fixed my locs and I’m going home for Easter. Let’s see if they’ve truly accepted my style [laughs].

    Sometimes, I still have to wear a beanie to unfamiliar places to avoid scrutiny, especially when I’m likely to encounter the police. We all know how quickly that can go left.

    Zurk

    I knew what I was getting myself into when I started wearing locs, but I didn’t mind. To be honest, I revel in it. One of the funniest things is how people call me “Marlian” when they can’t figure out my name.

    The downside is I’m not in contact with over half of my family because of my hair. It’s a deeply religious family and if anything is out of line with the “bible”, it’s all-out war. It’s more about going against tradition than religion because those two concepts have become mixed up.

    There’s an uncle who I hadn’t seen in a long time and the first thing he says when he sees me was to go on a tirade. “Does this look responsible on you?” he kept yelling. I just smiled, because I’m all out of my quota of fucks to give.

    Now, I stay as far away from my extended family. I live with my mom and she has no problem with it. I’m a student and a freelance writer so there’s not much friction on that end. I’ve had multiple incidents with the police. One time, they stopped me at Sabo, pushed me into their minibus and drove me around while going through my phone and questioning me. They eventually let me out at Yaba.

    Early

    My hair has been in twists since 2019. It’s grown a lot since then and I find it’s been mostly women telling me how much they love it and asking about my haircare routine. I get the occasional glare from strangers, but for the most part, people don’t act weird around me.

    I get a lot of suggestions about it too. Some people think I should loc it while my boss at work wants me to add some colour to it. Most men tell me they’re inspired to grow theirs like mine. I’m always interested in hearing their stories and I gladly share any tips I can. The other day, my Uber driver asked if my hair was real and told me how he wanted to grow his out as well. It’s always a great conversation starter. Then again, I’m not sure if that’s mostly because I’m a pretty man.

    Quizzzy

    I wear locs and not just because I’m a musician but because of how it looks on my head. It’s twisted and styled to sit like a crown on my head. It’s quite the sight. I’ve had it for six years so you can only imagine the length when I let my hair down. Whenever I’m walking down the road or in a cab, I see people staring at me like an alien that just arrived on earth in a UFO.

    It’s not all bad. Sometimes, I get compliments, mostly from women. I’ve even made strong friendships from conversations that started over my hair. Other people go out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable by giving me condescending looks. You can literally feel the disdain in their eyes.

    As neat and nicely packed as it looks, I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t work in a bank or corporate office. You should have seen the look on HR’s face when I showed up for my first interview at an architecture firm. That’s fine though. I’m a brand/motion graphics designer so who needs a corporate office anyway?

    Let’s not even get into the times I’ve been profiled and randomly searched by the police. One particular encounter was jarring. I had just finished a studio session and was on my way home in an Uber. They stopped the driver and started asking me questions. They went through my phone to try to find something incriminating but they found nothing. The officers kept calling me names and said they would kill me there and nothing would happen. I was scared for my life. Even though they couldn’t pin anything on me, they collected 10,000 from me before letting me go.

    On the family front, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. My mom and siblings like it, but I have a step-sister I haven’t seen in years because she threatened to cut it off while I sleep the next time we see. I posted a picture on Facebook and one of my cousins commented that I had better cut my hair before she comes to Lagos. I blocked her immediately.

    Jerry

    I’ve had five different hairstyles. I started with curls last year, which caused a lot of trouble with my mom, the extended family and nosy family friends, mostly because of my religious background. I moved on to twists and pierced my nose and was trying to live with it lowkey. Going to work was no problem as my boss was fine with all of that. 

    It was going fine until someone (I later discovered was my cousin) sent my picture to my mom on the day of NYSC POP. I received a very angry call from my mom and then my older brother who said if I got myself arrested for looking like a thug, it’s on me. My mom’s friend who was a pastor called and threatened to report me to God. I got sick of it all. My mom made me comb out the twist when I went home.

    The most annoying part of it all is the questions I’m asked all the time. “This one that you pierced your noses, are you sure you’re straight?” Why are you making your hair, are you gay?” “Why do you do a manicure?” “Why are your nails painted?” I  just ignore all the questions because they’ll never understand.

    Dunsin

    Since I was a child, I always loved keeping an afro. I saw pictures of rappers and told my mom I was going to keep an afro but she wasn’t having any of that. After secondary school, I was old enough to stand my ground, so my mom would call an extended family meeting and they would plead with me to cut my hair. Most times, I declined. One time, it nearly became a physical altercation.

    In uni, I was finally free to do what I wanted and I was wearing an afro every time. This wasn’t an issue until my final year when a lecturer said no boy with an afro would be allowed to present their research topic. This made no sense, as the lecturer was a supposedly educated and exposed one. Why should it matter what style I’m wearing? Eventually, I cut my hair short for the last time.

    After graduation, I moved to plait my hair and surprisingly, it didn’t attract too much attention from the police as I feared. I like growing my hair. It can be tedious sometimes, but when you step out, the compliments you get makes it feel like it was worth it. I run an agency and my clients love it. It’s a great conversation starter.

    QUIZ: What Colour Should You Dye Your Hair?

  • Charisma is a kind of personal charm that makes people want to devote themselves to you. Take this quiz to find out how charismatic you are. Don’t forget to share o!

  • Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a mental health disorder that can cause above-normal levels of hyperactive and impulsive behaviours. People with ADHD may also have trouble focusing their attention on a single task or sitting still for long periods of time. While ADHD mostly affects children, some adults carry the disorder well into adulthood. I spoke with a few of those adults about living with the condition.

    Femi

    Initially, I was what people would call a “gifted child” so I was able to get away with not focusing and doing the work needed. Eventually, when I needed to sit and study, it was never easy and my parents and teachers could not understand the decline. I would spend 9 hours trying to study in order to 2-3 hours of actual study time. 

    In my 4th year of medical school, I could see the signs that I might have ADHD and I had developed coping mechanisms around it. Being a medical student, I was curious as I was able to tick off the symptoms and self-diagnose but I wanted to know if I was accurate. I went to a General Practitioner and told her some of my symptoms. She referred me to the psychology department to get a professional opinion. They asked a bunch of questions about when I first noticed my symptoms and stuff about my childhood. 

    I was offered medication but I refused it. I preferred going the route of psychotherapy and coping methods like breaking my work into segments. I don’t try to study all at once. I also use tricks like studying for 20 minutes and taking a 3-minute break to check Twitter or something, instead of forcing myself to study for long stretches. Exercise and meditation have also helped greatly.

    Jumoke

    My mom is a medical personnel and had made a general diagnosis. I had seen the signs of ADHD but I didn’t realise I had a problem until I got a job as a customer care representative. I used to drift off and my brain would get “hot” and shut down. In my job, I’d find myself opening multiple apps to reply to customers and end up replying to none. I thought I hated the job but I found out that I just couldn’t get anything done, no matter how hard I tried. I also used to become hyper fixated on people and things. I would find a bottle and suddenly it would seem like my life revolved around it.

    I’d also get unnecessarily excited and would always interrupt people during conversations. Other times, I’d up by 2 in the morning, thinking about short term ideas and I’d be so hyper fixated, I wouldn’t be able to sleep till I get it done. I’ve registered for countless courses which I’ve failed to finish. Of course, it also affected me academically. I had to find my own method of studying. I always thought I was lazy but deep down, I just couldn’t. 

    I want to get a diagnosis and treatment ASAP because it’s messing up my life. I had to leave two jobs in the space of two months. Even though I’m bursting with ideas, it’s hard to work. I’m scared I might leave this new job too. I want to get professional help, but I’m not in that financial space.

    ADHD vs. ADD: What's the Difference?

    Sam

    Before my ADHD diagnosis, I always suspected something was wrong with the way I approached work: if the work was unstructured, I excelled at it.

    As soon as something required managing schedules, repetition and project management, I quickly became inundated. Something as basic as sending an email was a chore. I tend to keep an email ‘in my head’ until I never eventually send it. Doing the same thing more than once frustrates me to the point of losing my temper, I cannot sit still in meetings, and I’m either unable to focus on anything, or I focus too hard on something until I’m spent in which case I never want to interact with that thing again.

    Things got to a head when it began to increasingly affect work. It started to become more difficult when I switched careers. It strained me and nearly cost me my job. I just couldn’t bring myself to concentrate. It reflected poorly on me, and my employer was wondering about the disparity between what he knew I could do and what I was doing. Even I couldn’t explain it. Mercifully, my school provided mental health services as part of its perks and I had a consultation with a US-based therapist.

    We went through a checklist and my family history, as well as my previous mental health profile (anxiety and depression, which apparently are ‘follow-come’ with ADHD) before she confirmed ADHD. Unfortunately, she couldn’t prescribe drugs from the US, so I had to get a Nigerian therapist here, who insisted on diagnosing me herself. She was even more rigorous, insisting on speaking to my parents to get my childhood data/history before making her assessment. She came to the same conclusion – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

    The effects were immediate. I was able to focus, mostly, but the more important thing I’d describe as important is that I wasn’t experiencing that waxing and waning of interest/energy when I was working.

    Tioluwanimi

    I was diagnosed with ADHD last year. It wasn’t a surprise because I had problems with relating with people and doing tasks. One minute, I’m really into an activity and the next, I’ve lost all interest. I was always restless and could never focus on a task. I was also very hyperactive and disorganised, which caused a lot of friction between me and my mom. I had and still have a short attention span and I find it difficult to concentrate. I went from being an A student to a C student because I couldn’t settle down to study.

    Currently, my treatment entails therapy, majorly anger management. I ghosted my ADHD therapy because I lost interest.

    How Does ADHD Affect the Brain? Executive Functions and More

    Bunmi

    I didn’t confirm I had ADHD till I was 28. I was your regular gifted kid who excelled at everything. My report card always read, “She’s highly intelligent but overly restless.” I was there, living in my head with my overactive imagination and volatile emotions. I managed to get through most of my adulthood because there was structure and I had an extreme need to please people.

    After uni, I lost all that structure in my personal life and began to struggle. At work, I still had some structure so I managed to do well. My job can be very demanding and somehow, my life narrowed down to the fulfilment of my role. I was incapable of managing my life alongside my job. I took a test in 2018 and discovered I had ADHD. 

    It’s been a rollercoaster ride of coffee, yoga and learning to be a lot less hard on myself. I’ve learned to understand the way I am and realise my brain is just different in some ways. I’ve also learned to cope with my weak points and plan to compensate for them in advance.

    A young black autistic man was sentenced to 50 years for a car crash. Tens of thousands of people are now calling for his freedom. - The Washington Post

    Jane

    Life was an endless loop of trying and being exceptional at stuff but dropping the balls on the simple, mundane, everyday tasks. Everyone would lash me about not being able to do basic stuff and how disappointing it was not to have it together. I would then focus on that, causing my personal life to fall apart. A lot of times, I was told that I was lazy and good-for-nothing.

    It was like everyone saw how “great” I could become, but no one saw how hard I was already trying. Toss in a couple of health complications, and I was a complete mess. By 19 I had contemplated suicide several times and attempted at least thrice.

    I was 19 when I heard a nurse talk to a young mother about getting her hyperactive toddlers assessed for ADHD. I was curious enough to ask her about it, and she gave me a brief description (which did not stick), then made a comment about how I had it too. I researched and related so much to the symptoms. But one of the articles I read at the time said children grow out of it when they hit 18, so I dropped it.

    Fast forward to 2020. I had hit a burn-out very late the previous year and could no longer tolerate physical human interactions or gatherings of any kind.

    I stumbled into the Neurodiverse squad on Twitter and found adults living with ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions and it was an eye-opening experience. Their openness about the way the conditions present (as adults) helped me see that there’s a lot more to these conditions than I previously knew. 

    This led me to pay attention to myself, sort out what I struggle with, that isn’t normal I thought they were normal, and that people just knew how to manage them better than I could. It’s part of why I felt like a shitty human being and questioned my own right to be alive. So I started to pick apart what is normal and what is not. Then I put all of these together and got into testing and discovered I had ADHD.

    My favourite coping mechanism so far is to lean into the chaos. Rather than expend a lot of energy trying to get my brain to work like society expects, (and failing and feeling like a failure because of it), I focus instead on the goal, and allow my brain to lead. But most importantly, apart from my visual reminders, I am starting to accept, that I am EPIC at some things, but I cannot be great at everything. And that’s fine.

    Pelumi

    I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. I tend to walk around a lot and I cannot stay in a place. If I stay in a place, I might die. 

    My parents thought it was a horrible problem and used all type of methods to stop me from pacing around. I vividly remember they tied me to a chair one day. It’s just an unconscious habit for me. I just pace around without any thought to how it makes people around me feel uncomfortable. People don’t like twitchy people so I always have to comport but it’s so hard, man. I just find myself constantly apologizing for making them feel uncomfortable but I can’t help it. I’m Paul Walker. But seriously, it’s tough always looking like a mad man because my body just wants to walk around and I’m always fidgety and twitching. 

    I feel like it’s going to take a lot of conditioning for me to stop walking around or losing concentration but I’m willing to learn coping mechanisms to help me if the need arises.

    QUIZ: Only Attentive Nigerians Can Answer These Random Questions

  • As told to Olufemi

    My friend, Onajite, told me this story about her exit from the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society a few years ago. She has graciously allowed me to share her ordeal, in the hopes that it might be beneficial to people in similar circumstances and informative to others.

    In the beginning, it all seemed pretty normal. Not celebrating birthdays, not associating with people who weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW). I mean, I was born into it. Everyone we knew was a Witness, and we were discouraged from making friends with non-JWs. We were divine people and anyone who wasn’t one of us was regarded as the spawn of Satan. As a child, it all felt pretty normal. I felt quite special because everything we did was different. We were Jehovah’s people after all.

    I loved being a Witness, but I disagreed with some of the doctrines, like the order not to celebrate birthdays. I wished I could celebrate my birthday with my friends, have food and drinks and be the centre of attention, but I never had that. I pegged it up to being persecuted for righteousness’ sake. JWs have a kink where they enjoy being punished for their faith. I was punished every single day in school for not singing the national anthem because we’re not allowed to. I wasn’t mad or upset about it. On Sunday, during field service, all my JW friends would brag to each other about how we stood up to our teachers, how we stayed faithful to Jehovah and never caved.

    44,875 Black Church Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

    You don’t realise you’re in a cult until something in your head clicks, and it didn’t click in mine until I was a teenager. The congregation was anti-secular education. There were plenty of publications, articles and letters, talks at the Kingdom Hall discouraging people from going to school. Universities were painted as some kind of corrupt cesspool where members go to lose their faith. We were told about how when God’s Kingdom comes, you were not going to need your degree in medicine or psychology or whatever you wanted to study because God’s Kingdom would be a perfect world, so there was no reason to go to school. Many Nigerian schools, for some bizarre reason, request a reference letter from your place of worship or a civil servant as a condition for admission. My brother, who was the most devout member, needed that letter, but the organisation treated him like a criminal. They had several meetings and tried to discourage my father not to let him go. 

    Watching him get treated that way lit the fire of doubt inside me. There was no indication that he would go to school and lose his faith, so why should he be treated like that? On the outside, I was still quite the fanatic, but on the inside, my mind was awash with doubt. I thought: if this doctrine is suspect, what else are we being brainwashed with? Why were they scared of enlightenment? If people went to school and lost their faith, then wasn’t the problem the faith and not the school?

    This crack of doubt spread when I recalled cases of sexual abuse against JW children. In all of those cases, the matters were covered up and the perpetrator unpunished, thanks to yet another questionable JW doctrine — matters between Jehovah’s Witnesses must always be settled in-house. 

    Members were not allowed to report crimes or issues between members to the police. When I was young, a devout member sexually abused a child. I remember how it was covered up. Nobody reported to the police. Another time, a man embezzled another Witness’ money in his company. It was a lot of money, but because they were both witnesses, it was never reported, and he never got his money back. I didn’t think much of all this then, but it began to make sense. 

    My experience with sexism in the organisation also fuelled my doubt. An elder told us that it was impossible for a woman to give a public talk. One time, a woman mentioned that she had attended a remote women-only congregation where the speaker was a woman, the elder was adamant: if there were no men, that congregation should not exist. Women could only speak while sitting and with their hair covered.  I thought, “Women dedicate their entire lives to the organisation and get nothing in return, not even the right to speak?” It didn’t make sense to me, but we accepted it because it was a “directive from Jehovah”.

    NCCU Collegiate 100 Black Men Worshipping at Antioch Baptist Church — Antioch Baptist Church

    My doubt finally made me search for ex-JWs content on Google to read the experiences of people who had left the organisation. There was this video of a woman who organised a flash mob in a Kingdom Hall in the United States to protest the cover-up of her rape as a child. It hit me. I couldn’t believe the organisation that nurtured me was capable of such evil. I did more digging and found more people who had been treated so poorly by the organisation. I never dug too deep because I always felt guilty reading on the experiences of ex-JW members, I had to do it secretly and even clear my browser history because I didn’t want my parents finding that on my phone.

    I got into university in 2016. When I resumed, I discovered that there was a JW congregation in the university. I began to wonder why we were discouraged from going to school when there was a university JW community. Suddenly, it clicked. We were taught from a young age not to question anything. Whatever happens, Jehovah is the answer. If it’s bad, Jehovah let it happen to teach us a lesson. I recollected all the times the organisation covered up scary crimes. For the first time, I was not under the protection of my family, and when I started interacting with other JWs by myself, I started to see how toxic it all really was — the politics, gossip, shaming, misogyny — it just didn’t feel right. 

    But I still stayed. I had no choice. I was young and dependent on my parents. 

    All those little things built up incrementally. My classes clashed with meeting times, and I started going from attending meetings regularly to going once or twice a week to once a month. I was treated like scum for missing those meetings. It felt like I was trying to leave a controlling person who was trying so hard to hold on to me. I got calls and messages disguised as feigned concern for me. It was wrapped in, “We’re calling because we love you and care about you,” but I could always feel the passive aggression. I felt even less connected to them and stopped attending meetings completely. 

    It is rare for someone to actually leave the congregation. In my 18 years in the organisation, I only saw one person denounce the faith and all its doctrine. 

    African American Community | Cru

    When I stopped attending meetings for about a year, my congregation in school contacted my home congregation to inform them I had left. The thing is, everyone in the congregation has cards. These are like files on your character, how active you are, details about your home congregation — everything about you is on it. So the congregation retrieved my file and informed my home congregation that I had stopped attending meetings. 

    My father called me one day, yelling at me. Every person in my family stopped talking to me right after. They cut me off. From threats to emotional blackmail to curses, there was nothing they didn’t use against me — they even stopped sending me an allowance. In the middle of that, I fell severely sick. That weekend, all my roommates were away, and I had no money to buy drugs. I was so sure I was going to die, but I started feeling better a few days later. 

    When I found lumps in my breast, my mother said that it was my punishment for leaving Jehovah and that my troubles were just starting. She said I was never going to amount to anything, that speaking against God or the organisation would lead to my downfall, and I’d regret losing Jehovah’s love and protection. Discovering the lumps was one of the scariest moments of my life and there my mother was, threatening God’s fire and brimstone over me. My family’s reaction overall strengthened my resolve to leave the organisation. I had had enough of the threats and the stonewalling.

    After about six months, my father was the first to reach out. I guess he missed me. Slowly, the rest of the family started talking to me. I  was glad to have them back in my life. I knew they loved me even with their religion I wouldn’t say they made their peace with it, but they’ve accepted that their daughter isn’t going to “be in God’s kingdom with them.”  

    We’ve had conflicts since then, for example, when they found out that I regularly donate blood, they went mad as it is against JW doctrine to donate or receive blood, even if you were dying. My aunt almost died when she refused to receive a blood transfusion. 

    Whenever I’m at home and congregation members come to visit, they make me hide in my room because they’re ashamed of me. At first, it hurt, but now it’s just funny to me. Sometimes, I miss the relationship I had with my family before I left, but that ship has long sailed. I’m done with the faith.

    Have you taken this quiz? QUIZ: Do You Have Ojukokoro?

  • Men, who are often considered the wreckers of relationships, are rarely considered as victims of heartbreak. I spoke to four Nigerian men about their experiences. Here’s what they had to say.

    Bayo, 27

    I’m always the one getting broken up with, so I have plenty of break up stories.

    The first one dumped me for no reason. The second one met someone on Twitter and told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. She later found out the dude was engaged. The third one was asking me about marriage like a month after I moved to Lagos and because I told her I wasn’t thinking about marriage yet, she and her friends sent me a voice note calling me unprintable names. Last year, she reconnected and apologized and tried to rekindle the relationship. I later found out that at some point she tried to sleep with my best friend probably as a way to spite me.

    But it’s the last one that pained me the most and the only relationship I ever regretted having. I really loved her but she was always paranoid because I was never jealous and we never got into fights. I always had to reassure her I wasn’t going anywhere. She had my phone password and replied to my messages. She would wake me up at 3 in the morning to comfort her till dawn. One time, I was hyping up my friends’ pictures and she got really mad because she thought I was flirting. She threw a tantrum and after I calmed her down, she said it was because she didn’t want to lose me. 

    One day, out of the blue, she asked if I had ever cheated on her. She begged and pleaded for me to tell her, that she wouldn’t get mad. I kept reassuring her that I didn’t. The next day, she called me, upset and crying. I sent her funny videos, memes, sang for her, all in a bid to cheer her up, but she kept crying. The next day, she broke up with me, saying she didn’t feel the same way anymore. I asked if it was my fault but she said “you were perfect,” but she just didn’t like me anymore. I was broken. She asked me not to hate her and she left me standing where I was. I know she cheated on me and broke up with me out of guilt.

    No breakup has hurt me that much because I looked back and felt so stupid because of the way I had invested myself in the relationship. It nearly turned me into a horrible person but I decided not to give her the power. 

    Charles

    I was in 100-level and this was my first proper girlfriend. She had stayed in my house for a couple of days and I had noticed she was moving funny and getting some strange calls. I’m not the type of guy to ask who was calling and all of that, so I let it slide. She told me she wanted to go meet her class rep to submit some assignments, blah blah blah. 

    A couple of hours later, a couple of my guys invited me to go drink beer at a popular hotel near UNILORIN. We had a few drinks and I needed to pee. The path that leads to the toilet goes past some of the hotel rooms. As I was walking past, one of the rooms had its windows open and in the corner of my eye, I saw some people fucking. Lo and behold, it was my babe. I couldn’t believe it. I was paralysed in shock but I left. When I was breaking up with her, I was so macho and being a bad guy about it but when she left I just curled up into a ball on my bed and cried my eyes out into my pillow. It was so painful.

    Leke

    In 2018, I was dating one short BBW. Things were going all lovey-dovey until we had one minor argument. I can’t even remember what the argument was about but I apologised immediately but she continued to give me an attitude. Normally, I wouldn’t be bothered about walking away but I had fallen madly in love with her. I kept going to her house to apologise but she wasn’t having it, saying she needed a break. One day, I was going to her house with gifts when I met her outside her house, kissing another man. The guy had his hands all wrapped around her and was even rubbing her body. I was devastated. She saw me, made eye contact and looked away. I wanted to die. As per gentlemen, I turned back and headed back to my house with my tail between my legs. I had never felt so broken. When I got home, everyone was asking if I was fine and I said I was but deep inside, I was hurting badly. I’m never going to give anyone the chance to do that to me again.

    Dubem

    We were in med school together and had dated for four years. We lived together in the last two years of med school and had so many plans and dreams for our future. Six months to my graduation, she started deleting my pictures from her Instagram. When I asked why, she said her father just joined and might see it. I didn’t think much of it because I trusted her. I finally graduated and left for Nigeria.

    One day, she called and asked me, “What if there’s someone better for both of us out there?” I was dumbfounded and she went on to say she needed a break. I asked for how long and she said two weeks. When I called after the agreed time, she said the break was the best two weeks of her life. She also said she needed someone who will spoil her silly and I barely send her any money asides the 20k I regularly gave her from my 98k housemanship salary. I wished her all the best because there’s nothing wrong with her wanting better, but inside I was devastated. It took me some time, but I healed. She taught me that you should never settle for less than you think you deserve.

    Take this quick quiz: How Often Do You Cheat In Relationships?

  • Do you have ojukokoro (or longer-throat, as Nigerians like to call it)? Take this quiz to find out.

  • Guinness made an awesome video to mark International Women’s Day on the 8th of March 2021 and we’re throwing it back, remembering all the things we loved about it:

    1. The audacious women

    This short documentary film, titled “No Apologies” featured five fearless and dauntless Nigerian women who also happen to be our favs: Guinness brand ambassadors ex-BBN housemate Nengi Hampson, actor and producer Beverly Naya, Barcelona Femeni footballer Asisat Oshoala, the CEO of Reel Fruit, Affiong Williams and musician, Niniola.

    2. The theme

    Following this year’s theme Choose to Challenge, Guinness inspired women to stand up against prejudices and stereotypes that attempts to put them into cages and stifle their ambition. Who best to challenge stereotypes than our no-nonsense Nigerian women?

    Speaking on the inspiration behind the selection of the IWD champs, Odinakachi Njoku, Assistant Brand Manager, Guinness, when telling us about the reason why they selected these bad ass women as their IWD ambassadors had this to say: “Beverly raised the bar to become a documentary producer with her work – Skin which details the challenges Nigerian women go through due to colourism. Nengi has proven she is more than her face with her foray into entrepreneurship as CEO of Shoes by Flora.”

    “Affiong Williams defied odds to build a thriving business with a 100% female management team. Niniola went from being an audition reject to Queen of Afro-House at a time when the genre was uncool. Asisat overcame massive rejection from family and friends to play at the highest level with the National team and FC Barcelona.”

    E choke!

    “We profiled a wide range of women across various verticals to demonstrate the unrelenting spirit of Nigerian women,” Odinakachi said.

    3. The lead

    The film leads with the amazing Beverly Naya earnestly seeking answers to change and achieving the extraordinary. All the women slowly unbottle stereotypes they have had to deal with on their journey to achieving the extraordinary, answering Beverly Naya’s questions.

    4. The stories

    The short film documented some of the challenges the women had faced while on their path greatness; Nengi dealing with haters, Asisat having to deal with school boys who wouldn’t let her play the game of her dreams, Affion who dove headfirst into uncharted territory, Niniola who was never given a chance by the judges, and Beverly who had to deal with sexist assumptions that she lacked substance just because she looks good. These super women all went beyond to change their narratives. We love to see it.

    This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Screenshot-46-1.png

    5. The message

    The short film encourages women to own their turf, challenge stereotypes and never take no for an answer. Our presidents have spoken!

    Words really can’t do justice to the video. See it for yourself.

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  • When someone is said to suffer from hypertension, more often than not, you’d assume that the said person was at least middle-aged. On the contrary, hypertension and high blood pressure do not discriminate. It plagues the young and old alike. Of people in the 19-39 age group, 20% of men and 15% of women suffer from hypertension, and this number is only expected to climb.

    Someone reached out to me to tell me their story about hypertension. I put out a call on Twitter, looking to talk to more people dealing with the condition. I didn’t expect more than a few replies. I was wrong. My DMs were flooded by a deluge of young adults who are dealing with the condition. Here are some of their stories.

    Joseph, 24

    I was first diagnosed during a medical clearance for admission into a university when I was 15. The doctor remarked that my BP was high. I wasn’t admitted into that school, and I didn’t pay attention to the diagnosis. Less than a year later, I suffered a bout of malaria and my BP was mentioned again. I started to worry. It was a few months later, at another university clearance where it was brought up again that I started taking it seriously. When the palpitations got worse, my mom had to take me to the hospital. I was given some drugs that always made me feel faint, so I stopped using them.

    After a series of crises, I started taking it very seriously. I got better drugs and made some lifestyle changes – I work out, eat fruits and reduced my soda intake. I’ve used the drugs every day since then, although I’ve taken short breaks from them a couple of times.

    It’s been eight years since I found out. There were lonely trips to the hospital for drugs, insane  headaches, intense palpitations and scary nights I thought were my last. It was quite hard to make the mental shift at first, but I’m used to it now. I also pray and talk to God about it. I’m just waiting for the manifestation of complete healing.

    Afolabi, 28

    There was this strike period. I was just playing around in school, but I noticed I was always tired. I decided to go to the medical center and they found out my BP was 151. I insisted I was fine but the nurse kept saying this isn’t normal for this your age (I was 19). I told my folks and we went to see our personal doctor. He said it was high but didn’t want to place me on hypertensive drugs because I was young. He told me to make diet and lifestyle changes. I did that for a few years. Fast forward to my fourth year in uni. I had been drinking a lot of coffee that period, thinking I had moved past the whole HBP thing. All of a sudden, late one night, I started gasping for breath, despite windows being open. My mum lay me on my back and tried to calm me, before taking me to the hospital. That was when I was finally placed on the medication Amlodipine. I was supposed to go back for checkups, but I never did. I had a couple of crisis moments in-between that forced me to go back on my meds.

    At various times, I stopped using the medication because I hated the idea that I was going to be using it everyday for the rest of my life. Someone advised me to use hibiscus flower (zobo), which is actually backed by a study.  I used to be able to take some wine, but I stopped when I started seeing scary signs. There’s a lot of stigma around it as well, because people tend to jump to say “Ah, does it run in your family?” Some other people are sympathetic, like my boss who gives me the day off when I have panic attacks.

    Desmond, 21

    Last year, I was at the airport waiting for my flight – I was almost two hours early because Nigerian. One of those diagnostics people gave me a flyer while I was waiting, asking me to check my blood pressure for free so I said, sure, why not. The guy checked it and asked my age several times. I kept insisting that I was 21. It was really bad. I can’t say I don’t know why it was high — I overwork myself, barely sleep and I work all night because my father is not Dangote. I’m also quite inactive because my work requires me just sitting down. 

    I ended up going for a proper checkup at a hospital and it came out the same. The doctor advised me to sleep more and be more physically active. Now, I try to get eight hours of sleep and go to the gym six days a week.

    A.B, 26

    Until I started dialysis for my kidney problems, I had never had a BP issue. To undergo dialysis, the doctors have to set up an access site for my arteries and veins. The process is quite excruciating and that period was tough for me. I suspect that triggered the blood pressure. I started taking medication which helped manage it. 

    Nearly one-third of non-Hispanic Black young adults in the U.S. have hypertension - News | UAB

    I’m an anxious person, and that didn’t help my blood pressure. Eating edibles helped me relax. So far, it’s been good except for one time where my BP spiked to 212/140 and I was admitted to the hospital. On the whole, I monitor my BP and use my drugs consistently, because that makes a huge difference.

    Anita, 26

    I work in a foreign tech company and when I tell you the work there is fast-paced, multiply it by 1000. Commuting from the island to the mainland, working long hours and getting home at odd hours for more than a year didn’t help matters. I was expecting a promotion in the company and when that didn’t come, I worked harder and longer hours and even took on a certification course, working every day of the week and going to classes on the weekend. All of thatfinally tipped me over the edge. In 2019, I was diagnosed with hypertension.

    Keeping a lid on blood pressure during the coronavirus crisis | American Heart Association

    To be fair, I was pushing my body rather hard. I was working on multiple projects and assignments while still meeting my work KPI. I was eating a lot of processed food and not getting a lot of exercise. When I started getting horrid headaches, I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with HBP. Man, it was the ghetto. I called my mom and friends and cried and cried. I could not believe I was 25 and hypertensive. I felt like I failed my body.

    The first step was to start making healthy choices. I try to be kinder to my body, take medications religiously, exercise, fast intermittently, reduce processed foods and check my BP everyday, which makes it interesting when you’re sleeping over somewhere [laughs]. Most importantly, I now maintain a healthy work-life balance. We tend to think that if work is not killing you, you’re not working hard enough. My mother said “If anything happens to you, they’ll be fine but we would have lost you.”

    Daniel, 22

    It all started when I was at university. I started having some intense migraines coupled with frequent dizziness and chest pain. Immediately, I went to the school clinic to see a doctor, only to be told I had high blood pressure. It was triggered by stress, lack of rest and unhealthy eating patterns, like the average Nigerian student. I immediately called my mum, who’s also hypertensive and she entered panic mode. Fortunately, I caught it early and with some dietary and lifestyle changes, it dropped.

    I had finished school and moved to Lagos when I started feeling symptoms again. I didn’t need anybody to tell me what it was. I took leave from work and travelled home to Ibadan ASAP when I found out my BP was 150/90. My doctor adviced I avoid certain foods, take exercising more seriously, eat a lot of fruit and vegetables and rest, which is almost impossible in a city like Lagos.

    High blood pressure common among Black young adults | Health | phillytrib.com

    I recently found out that my older brother is also hypertensive. Seeing as my mom is also hypertensive and my grandfather died from hypertensions, it’s safe to say it’s hereditary in my family.

    The pandemic helped get me back on exercising and I’ve curbed most of my food indulgences. Today, I’m stable but I’m not quite there yet. My BP rises and falls between 125 – 130 over 90 these days. Considering the fact that I’m managing it without medication, this isn’t so bad. Las las, we go survive this thing.

    Abiodun, 31

    I found out I had HBP in the most random way. My mom was undergoing a surgical procedure at the hospital. I was chatting with a doctor and casually complained of dizziness and headaches. He was suspicious and told a nurse to some tests and check my BP. To my schock, it 160 over 91. I’ve been  on medication ever since.

    At first, it was hard to use the drugs religiously but when I realised it was a matter of life and death, I’ve set a daily reminder to use my drugs and to check my BP with a blood pressure monitor.

    Kate, 28

    In 2017, during medicals in school, the doctor told me I had an elevated blood pressure. He asked if I was going through anything. I was – a partner did something really shitty to me. When I visited a hospital, I was given medications, which I used for only a month before I stopped. I ignored it until one day when I went to the clinic for a headache. They found out my BP was stageringly high. I was immediately sedated and my mom was contacted. I began using medications again.

    American Heart Association says High Blood Pressure reasons differ by gender in teens; young adults - Clarksville, TN Online

    It’s hard taking a pill every blessed day. During the lockdown, I relapsed again until had angina (a type of chest pain caused by reduced blood flow to the heart). It was a very scary experience. I go for checkups sometimes, but frankly, I’m tired. Tired of it all; being unable to eat certain foods, cutting off habits like drinking. Sometimes, I get hot flushes in my feet and my heart races very fast. Other times, it’s headaches and dizziness.

    We bet you’ve not taken this quiz yet: Younger Nigerians, This One Will Definitely Stress You

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