Don’t worry; it’s not by your power or might. It’s only Zikoko that can help you.
Throw away all your food by 9 p.m.
At the end of the day, it’s someone that has food that’ll catch themselves in the kitchen making a “light” midnight snack.
Make this your life policy: Once, it’s 9 p.m. throw out all the food you have. It doesn’t matter that your mum cooked your favourite soup and packed it in 10 bowls. If you can’t finish it in an entire day, that’s your business.
Tie yourself to your bed
Or have someone — even if it’s your sleep paralysis demon — hold you down throughout the night. If you don’t have self-control, someone has to control you.
Sleep outside
Have someone lock the door from inside the house while you sleep with your dog outside. In two weeks, your brain will reset. We’re talking from experience, trust us.
Staple your mouth shut
We said what we said. Okay, maybe not with an actual stapler, but if we advise you to use tape, you’ll just rip it out and use ogunfe to console yourself.
Turn eba by 11:59
It’s not midnight until it’s midnight, king.
Eat in your dream instead
Join a coven. They’ll feed you every night. Who even has money to be cooking every night?
At the rate at which people are japa-ing, there’s only going to be four of us left in Nigeria by December.
You could be kiki-ing with someone in a meeting today, and tomorrow they announce they’re no longer in Nigeria.
This article has all the telltale signs that your coworker is about to japa.
They start falling sick anyhow
The hospital your coworker is going to isn’t for health reasons o. They’re going to do their medicals for japa purposes. If you think we’re lying, the next time your coworker calls in sick, ask to follow them to the hospital. The things your eyes will see.
They start printing and photocopying… a lot
If you don’t work at a printing company and your office printer is always running out of ink, it’s a huge sign someone (or everyone) is trying to japa. Japa people always have something to print, and with the current economy, they’d very much rather use the office printer than pay someone to print for them.
They start missing emails and meetings
Every small thing, “Oh, sorry I didn’t get that.”
Why would they get that when all they’re checking their emails is to see if their visa is ready. They don’t have your time, please.
They live way below what they earn
It’s not humility or sapa. They’re just saving for proof of funds. Jazz up.
They stop posting on social media
Open your phone and check your coworkers’ social media accounts. If they simply stopped posting in the past three months, you might as well go to the airport and wait for them, because they’ll soon get there.
They’re posting a lot on social media
If they’re posting on social media more frequently than normal, they’re trying to document all the memories from Nigeria before they leave. One way or another, social media handles serve as a huge clue in finding out if someone is about to japa.
Suddenly, work doesn’t stress them anymore
Two months ago, they were complaining about your boss every single day. These days, even though your boss ismore annoying, they don’t care. That’s japa syndrome. Nothing moves them again.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
In 2020, this 33-year-old got a ₦10m loan to start a farm. Today, the farm is not operational. He’s also been a teacher, gym instructor, HR manager, tailor, marketer, admin assistant and army recruit. He hopes to add ‘governor’ to that list. You’ll enjoy his #NairaLife.
What’s your earliest memory of money?
I went into my mum’s purse to steal money to play PS1. It was about ₦5 per game.
How old were you?
Between six and 10.
You were already going out to play games that young?
Yes o. I was one of those children that matured pretty fast.
As a child, I was abused by an older lady, so I think that made me grow up faster than people my age. Before my friend introduced me to gaming, all I did after school was read. My dad didn’t like beating me, so he always found punishments that encouraged me to read or just be smarter.
It started with writing one to 1000 on foolscap paper. After that, even when he wasn’t punishing me, he’d bring home up to 20 short books every Thursday from his office’s library. I had to read and summarise them for him by Sunday evening. All that reading also helped me develop faster mentally.
When my friend introduced me to gaming, I started to read faster so I could have time to go out.
I’m now curious about what home was like
I was an only child until I turned six, so I was often bored. My dad is a chartered accountant, and my mum is a caterer. Ours is a humble background.
What does that mean?
I had garri for breakfast and lunch almost every day for years. In retrospect, I think that’s why my eyesight is terrible now. It was common for me to be sent away from school because I defaulted on fees. I had such low self-esteem. I used to run away from church before service closed because I wore tatters and didn’t want to interact with my age mates who were better dressed.
When my parents had me in 1989, they weren’t even close to being financially stable. I think it’s these days people look for financial stability before getting married. Things started to get better when I was about nine years old.
How did you know things were getting better?
Yorubas have a saying — “T’ébi bá kúrò nínú ìsẹ́, ìsẹ́ búse”. It means once hunger is no longer a part of your problems, you’re no longer a pauper. We started eating less garri and more rice, beans and spaghetti. Chicken was still a luxury, but things were getting better. I also wasn’t getting sent out of school anymore.
But it’s not like things were great great. I still had to walk about eight kilometres every day for my six years in secondary school.
What happened after secondary school?
I finished secondary school in 2009 and didn’t pass maths in WAEC or GCE, so I couldn’t go to university. To be honest, I didn’t even want to. I wanted to join the army. All the books and newspapers I read growing up gave me knowledge about politics and history, and the army just felt cool. Being in the army was popular when I was growing up, even until Obasanjo was president. Also, because of my parents, I listened to a lot of old songs from Fela and the likes that spoke about change. Many of these songs mentioned the army.
In retrospect, too, I think I wanted to be in the army because of my self-esteem and anger issues.
So you joined the army?
Not immediately. I first went to computer school for six months. There, I learned Microsoft Word, Corel Draw, Excel, how to clean a hard drive, and how to fix computers. It was ₦15k, but my dad could only afford ₦7k. Thankfully, they never asked for the balance because the owner took a liking to me.
Why?
I talked about history and politics with him. So instead of sending me away when it was time for defaulters to leave, he sent me on errands instead. I bought food, delivered messages and shared flyers convincing people to join the school. At some point, I even taught other students.
After computer school, I did factory jobs that paid ₦5k a month just to hold body. That’s how most of 2010 went. In 2011, I joined the Nigerian Defence Academy (NDA).
How does one join the NDA?
I don’t know about now, but I had to write JAMB and pick NDA as my first choice. If you pass JAMB, you then have to do physical and psychological evaluations before you’re admitted. NDA is free to attend because it’s in service to your country, so my dad didn’t have to worry about money. In fact, I got monthly stipends from the government. Like ₦15k. Because of my political dreams, I decided to study political science.
Study political science in NDA?
Yes, the NDA is like a university. In addition to military training, you also study a course for four years so you can specialise in the army.
Makes sense. What was NDA like?
I dropped out after two years.
Sir?
An uncle in the army advised me to. He thought I had “bigger potential” than being a soldier. For example, if I became a governor — I still want to — I’d have soldiers at my beck and call. He wanted me to go to a university, get a proper education, and establish myself as a non-military man. Being in the army meant I could only get promoted when the army wanted me to. On the outside, I had the potential to be whatever I wanted.
I’d probably even be dead now if I was in the army. If not from Boko Haram, then from being too radical and getting in trouble.
So university?
Yep. After I had to rewrite WAEC. I studied public administration. It was meant to be political science, but I made a mistake with the JAMB form.
Did anything fun happen in school?
When I was in my second year, in 2014, there was a long ASUU strike. Because I was bored and broke, I decided to look for ways to make money. I went to a school near my house and told them I wanted to teach for them, and they agreed. The pay was ₦14k to teach government. Over time, they added English, commerce and literature with no additional pay. But I didn’t collect my salary until the end of my six months there. I told them to keep it for me because I wanted to use it to buy a laptop. The money I survived on was after-school lesson money. Like ₦5k a month.
There was also a brief stint where I learned to sew during this strike period. I had to stop because my eyesight was a problem.
By the time I was resuming school in late 2014, I’d used my saved salary and a ₦20k bonus to buy a ₦52k laptop, pay my ₦20k fees and buy foodstuff. When I got back to school, I started a security business.
Money man!
LMAO! I’m naturally big, so I reached out to departments on campus and offered them bouncer services for their parties. So I and a few other big guys would stay at parties from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m., and depending on the size of the party, get between ₦5k and ₦15k to share amongst ourselves.
By the time I was nearing my fourth year, I had to stop because I’d become my department’s president, and I couldn’t be doing stuff like that anymore. That’s the only business I did in university.
What happened after?
I finished in March 2018 and wanted to go into human resources management, but I didn’t get a job on time. In May, I saw an ad for an administrative assistant at a NGO that was right beside my house and I applied and got the job.
What did you do there?
Where should I start? It was an NGO whose focus was to help widows and orphans. Because I had teaching experience, one of my jobs was to teach the orphans every evening. Whenever we had events, I was head of operations. I was also the principal’s PA and bouncer because of my size. And I was a typist too.
For how much?
₦30k. Thankfully, I didn’t spend any money on feeding or transportation because work was right beside my house and I could go home to eat whenever I wanted. By December, I left because I got a new job.
What kind?
A small start-up that was looking for marketers. I got the gig from a church-member-turned-mentor. This job paid ₦45k, but I couldn’t survive on it because of transport costs. I sha managed for six months until I went for NYSC right before I turned 30. I specifically wanted to go to the north to serve, so I worked my NYSC to Jigawa.
Why?
I’d been hearing all around that agriculture was the next big thing, and I wanted to learn. Agriculture is big in the north, so why not?
Makes sense
While in camp, I came second in the Mr Macho competition, and that meant I got to pick the local government I wanted to serve in. My aunt lives in Jigawa, so I picked her local government. My PPA was a school, and I only had to show up during my period. I spent the rest of my time working on an Alhaji’s farm.
How did you meet this Alhaji?
We ate at the same canteen and got talking. He liked me because, according to him, I wasn’t a bigot. Apparently, many corp members who he’d met had a thing against Hausa people.
On his farm, I learned how to care for, butcher and prepare farm animals — goats, cows, fish and sheep — without pay.
After NYSC ended in early 2020, I returned to Lagos. I briefly worked with my mentor at the same job again. The pay was ₦50k this time. He’d bought a small land for farming in Ogun state, so I took over and helped him plant vegetables so that we’d sell, make a profit and use the profit to start animal farming. When lockdown came in March, we couldn’t move the products, so we made a loss. That’s also when I left the company.
By July, I had a bright idea. I was going to start my own farm in Ogun state too.
With which money?
I drew up a business plan and sent it to my cousin in Canada. ₦13m. He didn’t have ₦13m, but he had ₦5m he could loan me. I bought two plots of land worth ₦750k, 12 pigs worth ₦700k, and spent ₦300k on drilling a borehole. When I was done spending the ₦5m, we decided to go big on the farm, so I got another ₦5m, bought four more plots, and built a bigger structure. I also hired people to work on the farm and an accountant for the books. Lastly, I rented an apartment near the farm for ₦400k.
How long did this take?
Seven months.
What was your cousin’s profit from loaning you the money?
He’d get a five-year repayment plan with 5% interest per year and a 50% stake in the business. After those five years, I’ll then own 70% of the business.
How much does the farm make you on an average month now?
Nothing.
Ehn?
I’ve paused operations because I made mistakes in the setting up of the farm. I spent almost all the money setting up assets and was left with little for running the business. So I was paying salaries, spending ₦300k to ₦500k monthly on feed, and spending money on transportation with the money I had left. If I’d gotten a vehicle for the business, for instance, I wouldn’t have had to pay ₦35k monthly to transport feed to the farm. I should have also gotten a shop where we kill and sell the pigs instead of optimising the sell them whole. It’s more difficult that way. And if I wanted to optimise for selling them live, then I have to have a vehicle to transport them.
How much did you make selling pigs?
Between 2020 and early this year, the 12 pigs I bought reproduced to about 120. I sold 70 for an average of ₦150k each and 50 died. I didn’t keep the money from the 70 I sold. I was repaying loans to my cousin because I wanted to be done in three years. Again, not the smartest decision.
So what do you do for money these days?
From December 2020 to January this year, I had a job as an HR manager at a government parastatal. It paid ₦50k, but I didn’t have to be at work physically. That’s how I survived. I left because working for the government is the ghetto — office politics and toxic work environment.
After that job, I took some free and paid online and offline certifications on personal training. I’ve been a steady gym bro since 2020, and because I’m buff, people always ask me to train them. I’ve been inconsistently training people since February and I’ve made about ₦100k. Other than that, people call me for HR consulting, training, strategy and the likes. Small gigs.
What’s next for you?
I’m looking for either a job or a vehicle.
Explain
If I got a job that paid ₦200k right now, I’d restart the pig business. I’ve recently learned that some farmers are desperate to sell off piglets at ₦10k. I already have the structure. If I get 30 piglets and feed them for four months until they reach 65kg, I’d sell them off at ₦1k per kg and make almost ₦2 million. My business model before was to keep them until they reached over 100kg, and even have them reproduce, but I’m not looking to do that anymore. It’s just to buy and sell them all now. Obviously, I’ve not factored feed and transportation into these calculations, but at least I know it’s possible to restart this business after a few months of ₦200k.
What about the vehicle?
If I got a Sienna right now, I’d become a driver for a few months — taking people to work on Lagos Island and driving others interstate. I think I’ll make good enough money from doing that to restart the farm. Once the farm is running, the vehicle will also be used to transport my farm produce. I’ve planned everything in my head. I’m even thinking of using my credentials as collateral to get a loan for the Sienna.
What’s one thing you want but can’t afford right now?
The Sienna.
What about your plans to become a governor?
When I start making money, I’ll buy more land in Ogun state —that’s where I’m from. The land is for schools, hospitals and orphanages. I want to give to the community before I begin my political aspirations.
Can you break down how much you spend in a month?
What’s your financial happiness on a 1-10 scale?
2. I’m broke.
The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
After living in the UK for three years, this subject on #AbroadLife moved back to Nigeria in 2020. Now, work has taken her back, and she misses her family and Nigerian food.
How long have you been in the UK?
Well, I was here from 2017 to 2020, and then I left and came back beginning of 2022). So, roughly four years.
Why did you go in 2017?
I came to study. I’d completed an undergraduate programme in Nigeria but wanted to study law, so I came here to do another undergraduate programme in law.
Ah, interesting. Why didn’t you just do law in Nigeria in the first place?
I was admitted to study law, but my WAEC government result was withheld, and when it was released, it was too late to enrol in the law programme at my school. They had reached their quota. And because I didn’t want to spend a year at home, I opted to study International relations and diplomacy.
Why didn’t you do law in Nigeria after your first degree?
Law in Nigeria is a five-year course, as opposed to in the UK, which is two years if you have a previous degree. I was able to study law in two years.
What was going to the UK in 2017 like?
It was stressless. My sister told me about a free service the UK government offered. They help you decide what school to go to and process all your applications up until the visa application stage. So that made it easy for me. All I had to do was show up at my biometric appointment when it was time.
Their name is UKEAS. They have offices in Abuja and Lagos. I’m not sure about anywhere else.
Sweet. Expectation vs reality: UK edition
My family used to come to the UK yearly for summers, so the UK wasn’t new to me. However, because I always came as a tourist, I expected that I would have the time to tour the UK and go to places I’d never been to.
I didn’t really do any of that, I spent most of my time in school.
Why?
Two years, no holidays. It was a fast-track course. But I enjoyed the experience. School here was different from studying in Nigeria in the sense that it was a more relaxed environment. Because people from all around the world come to school in the UK, I got acquainted with new cultures, traditions, and different lifestyles.
Why did you stay after school?
My course was from 2017 to 2019, and I stayed the extra year to work. I wanted experience working in the legal sector in England.
Did you?
COVID happened, so I was at home for most of it. Can’t really say I had the experience I was looking for.
What experience were you looking for?
I wanted to attend court sessions and sit under senior lawyers in meetings with clients.
So why then did you return to Nigeria?
I was getting married.
Was your husband-to-be in Nigeria?
He was in Canada, but the wedding was going to hold in Nigeria.
How long had you guys been together?
Six months. But we’d known each other since primary school.
Why then did you move back to the UK?
I got a job earlier in the year, and my husband and I were happy to move.
What’s been your favourite part of the move so far?
Getting to see my friends again and the ease of access to social amenities.
And your least favourite?
Being far away from family and the lack of ease of access to Nigerian food.
Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
Don’t even ask me what I was thinking when I came up with this article idea. Even me, I don’t know. But one generation of Nollywood has passed and we have to ask ourselves, where are the Nollywood OG items that made our childhoods?
Pete Edochie’s red cap
Bubu thinks he can deceive us by removing the cowries from Pete’s cap. As a people, we say no. Our eyes are wide open, and the days of deceit are over. That’s the exact same cap. And when you think of it, Pete Edochie is usually the wicked patriarch that wants doom for everyone around him. And Buhari — well… I didn’t say anything o.
Rita Dominic’s afro wigs
Look, it’s the same wig. I don’t know how to explain what James Brown did to it, but I promise, it’s the same. Our queen couldn’t just retire those legendary wigs na. She had to pass them on. From one queen to another, purr.
Jim Iyke’s suits
I don’t even know who is rocking these suits better. Is it Mr Steal-Your-Babe-and-Spit in-Your-Face-and-Then-Dump-Her Jim Iyke or the the king of slapstick comedy, Josh2funny? Either way, the real star of the show is the suits. They deserve a place in a museum somewhere.
The diamond ring
Speaking of museums, someone should help us beg King Charles to return the diamond ring o. We can’t find it, and you know there’s only one place to look when looking for stolen artefacts na. Charlie boy, pls. The diamond is probably even in his crown.
Egg of life
They’ve put egg of life inside bread and eaten it o! This economy don touch everybody last last. Even egg of life no survive am.
Eucharia Anunobi’s eyebrows
Can you spot the difference between Eucharia’s eyebrows and the swoosh on this Yaba made shoe? Don’t even try. There’s no difference.
Dakore’s dreads
Cruel Santino thinks because he dyed the dreads black, we won’t know he got them from Dakore? Lol. We’ve been smart since JSS 2, please.
Hanks Anuku’s sunglasses
Why do you think TG Omori has so many shades? Do you think he’s buying them? He inherited them from Uncle Anuku!
Iya Oshogbo’s goat
Like I said, the economy is HARD.
Are you a Nigerian who wants to travel even for a short period but can’t seem to find a country where they don’t ask for an arm, a leg and the blood of three virgins before granting you a visa? This article is for you.
With your very valuable green passport, you can go to these countries without too much of a hassle.
Barbados
Yes, Rihanna’s home country. English is the official language here, so you don’t have to worry about barriers in communicating with locals on this Caribbean island. And the beaches here? Pristine. People also say Barbadian food and rum is amazing. Add Barbados to your bucket list.
Rwanda
Rwanda is one of the fastest developing countries in Africa. The central African country is gaining a reputation and becoming one of the most toured countries on the continent. It’s even becoming a destination for Nigerians who want to pursue an education. And it’s visa-free for Nigerians.
Seychelles
If you’re not scared of harassment and privacy violation, the beautiful beaches and wonderful people of Seychelles are calling your name. You can stay for up to 90 days without a visa. That’s three whole months. Definitely something to consider.
Ghana
Even if it’s to go to the city squares in Accra and shout, “Nigerian jollof is the best”, Ghana is a good start for your travel experiences. You can even get to Ghana by bus before someone who lives and works in Lagos gets home from rush hour traffic.
Madagascar
Raise your hands if you didn’t realise Madagascar was a place until many years after watching the animated movie. My hands are up. Madagascar isn’t visa-free, but you can apply online, get a “landing authorisation” and then receive a 90-day visa on arrival. You have to pay big money sha.
Cameroon
Cameroon has beaches, deserts, mountains, rainforests, and savannas. Although it’s considered not-so-safe because of terrorism, tourists still visit the country and have a great time. Also, there’s terrorism in your own country too, so remove the log in your eye.
Fiji
Another beach-y place Nigerians can wake up and go to whenever they like? Why not?
If you’re done with all these places and body is still scratching you to travel, here’s a full list of countries Nigerians can visit visa-free.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
When you read this #NairaLife, you’ll realise why the 32-year-old subject wanted to be a lecturer. But after finding out lecturers don’t make so much, he switched to work in finance. Five years later, he now earns more than many senior lecturers.
Tell me about your earliest memory of money
One day, my uncle gave me ₦100, and it meant I had so much more money to spend the next day. I was used to collecting ₦50 for lunch. That day I realised, omo, money is good.
LMAO
It’s like getting 2x your salary unplanned. As I got older, these small gifts from relatives or my mum sending me on errands and asking me to keep the change became more frequent. They brought so much joy to my heart. If I had extra money, I knew what snacks I’d buy with it the next day. But as I got older, my spending priorities began to change because I had interests.
Interests like…
Football. When I was in primary school, my dad bought my footballs. In junior secondary school, my guys and I had to buy our balls. When you play football on the streets, you lose a lot of balls. Sometimes, the ball bursts. Other times, it goes into someone’s compound who won’t give you back.
All this talk about balls…
LOL. My guys and I hated losing balls, so we either always had an extra one or bought a new one at least once a week. It was Health 4, and it was ₦300. We contributed for it pretty often. In fact, because we were regular customers of the woman who sold the balls, she gave us on credit sometimes — as long as we made a ₦200 deposit.
What this meant was I spent less money on snacks and more on football. It also made me understand more money meant more pleasure. I had to protect my money from getting lost so I could afford what I wanted.
I’m guessing you always wanted more money
Yep.
How did you plan to get it?
Grow up, go to school, get really good grades, get a job — I think that’s how us millennials grew up.
Who is us? I’m young, please. Was football your only motivation to make money?
Nah, it wasn’t. There was something my dad would say that inspired my second reason to make money in this life.
Tell me about it
Whenever he bounced my siblings and me from watching cartoons because he wanted to watch the news, he’d tell us the story of how, when he got to Lagos, he couldn’t afford colour TVs, but now, he had one. He’d say if we made money when we got older, we could get as many TVs as we wanted — even in our bathrooms — and nobody would say anything.
So do you have a TV in your bathroom?
LMAO, nope. Just the one in my living room, but I can watch whatever I want.
Haha. I’m guessing the next phase of your life was uni
Yep.
What did you study?
Economics. It was my dad’s choice. I wanted to study electrical and electronics engineering, but he wanted me to be a banker like my mum. In fact, I started with science class in SS 1, and he threatened to notpay my school fees any further if I didn’t switch to commercial class.
My major options after commercial class were economics and accounting, and I chose economics because it felt more practical and versatile. Like I could solve real-life problems. Accounting was just numbers. And that’s why I actually enjoyed studying it in uni.
What was uni like?
I enjoyed it. I went to classes, got good grades, made friends, played video games, partied, everything. I entered in 2007, and monthly allowance from my parents started at ₦10k. By the time I was graduating in 2011, it was ₦20k. I can’t remember when it increased.
Was it money you could survive on?
If I lived according to my means, yes. I went to a federal school somewhere in the east where things weren’t so expensive. But because I had extra things to spend on — girlfriends, parties, drinks — I either had to cut living costs or make extra money.
How did you make extra money?
I wrote exams for people. Because my grades were good, I got asked to write exams for someone, and I passed it. That’s how word spread, in small circles, that I could write exams for people. It was ₦5k per paper.
By my third year though, to reduce the risk of getting caught, I dropped all my clients except one guy, and I wrote exams for him until I graduated. If he had nine papers in a semester, I wrote them all and made ₦45k. We also became friends, so sometimes, I went to chill at his house, and we went out to get drinks together. He’d pay, of course.
Why didn’t he write his exams by himself?
I asked him one time, and his response showed he just didn’t think he was smart enough to. You know what’s crazy? He was going for classes. He just didn’t think he could write and pass exams. He was also just in school to satisfy his parents.
On my own end sha, I was happy I could make extra money. He even tried to fly me down to help him write his final papers.
Ah
I thought about it. My mum saw I was worried, so she asked what was going on, and I told her. If you see her reaction. She was so shocked. She said if I went, the plane would crash, and I’d die. Omo.
Nigerian mother 101
LMAO. For NYSC, I was making ₦40k as an office assistant to add to NYSC’s ₦19,800 in Abuja. That was a good year. After NYSC, I went back to the school I’d graduated from to do a master’s in economics.
Why?
At that point, I’d decided I wanted to be a lecturer because I was good with academia. I’d always had outstanding grades in school, so it felt like that was the perfect career for me.
In December 2015, shortly before I rounded up my master’s, a friend introduced me to someone who lectured at a postgraduate institution in Lagos. During that meeting, we spoke about research projects we’d worked on, and he was impressed with what I was doing for my master’s final project. So he offered me an internship once I graduated.
Did you take it?
Yes. I interned as a research assistant with him from March to August. He paid me ₦50k monthly. In August, I officially began working at the postgraduate institution. The pay was ₦120k for the same research assistant role.
How long were you there for?
Eight months. Working there made me realise I didn’t want to be a lecturer anymore. I wanted good money.
Lecturers don’t make good money?
I didn’t know until I found out that senior lecturers at the postgraduate institution made like ₦400k.. And I knew young guys who were fresh out of uni getting corporate jobs that paid better. I didn’t want to work my whole life just to look for a side hustle in my 40s and 50s.
A conversation with a senior lecturer sealed the deal for me. He told me his brother, who worked at an oil company, had a gratuity of almost ₦1 billion waiting for him after retirement, but his own gratuity would be about ₦12 million.
Whoa
I applied and got an internship a friend told me about at a financial institution, and I resumed in October 2017. It was a three-month contract that paid ₦120k monthly. It was the same thing I earned as a research assistant, but at least it was a start to my non-lecturing career. If I did well, they’d hire me full-time.
Did they?
After the first three months, they renewed the contract to run for another three months. And after those three months, they renewed it again. And when they were going to do it the fourth time, I left. They were making me do full-time work while paying intern salary.
When I left, I did freelance jobs researching for people’s master’s projects until 2019.
Wait… were you still living at home at this point?
I moved out and got a shared apartment when I got the job as a research assistant. My dad contributed some money for my rent, and I paid the rest. Apart from that, I was feeding and transporting myself on my ₦120k salary. No savings.
Okay, back to 2019
I got a job as a strategy analyst at a financial services firm.
Explain your job to me like I’m five
Investment banks have financial goals, and strategy analysts help ensure everything the bank does aligns with the goals they’ve set. If they don’t, it’s the job of the strategy analyst to advise management on how to realign.
How much did they pay?
₦250k. And I stayed there till late 2020.
Did the role or salary change?
The role didn’t change, but the salary grew a bit. It never entered ₦300k.
Is that why you left?
Another financial services firm poached me.
How does poaching work in your industry?
LinkedIn. Recruiters go through your page to see your work history and the projects you’ve worked on.
Interesting. How much did this one pay?
₦400k.
Big man
A lesson a friend taught me that prepared me for this bump was to not let income increases overly influence my lifestyle. Income increases are meant for saving and investments, and that’s what I began to do. I got essentials like a new mattress and AC, and I could give more people small money when they asked, but apart from that, my money went to savings and investments.
What do you invest in?
Stocks and mutual funds.
Can you break down what you have in savings and investments?
Let’s just say they’re solid.
Are you still at this company?
Nope. I left this year (2022). I was poached again. This time, by a big consulting firm. Another strategy role.
Another salary bump?
Not too big. By January this year (2022), I was already earning ₦600k. The new job pays ₦650k. But because it’s a big company, it’s good for my resume. I know my salary will still go up over time, but even better, I’m sure the role will open doors for me, even in companies abroad.
Can I see how your expenses look on an average month?
And what’s something you can’t afford but really want?
Hmm, let’s see. Maybe something sentimental. Like a Rolex watch.
How happy are you financially? The scale is 1-10
6.5. Am I happy? Yes. Am I satisfied? No. There are people younger than me who earn more, and there are people older who earn less. I can go out when I want and afford the things I need. But do I think I can do even better? Absolutely.
Nigerians will see you for the first time in a while, and instead of just catching up on old times like normal people, decide to guilt trip you by saying you “forgot” or “abandoned” them. Why?
Next time someone says, “You forgot me”, this is how you should respond to them:
Actually, say it before them
Attack is the best form of defence. Once you meet someone you haven’t seen in a long time, and you think they have it in them to say stuff like that, just say it first. They’ll now start shalaye-ing. You won.
“Sorry, jare. My dementia is getting worse”
Say this with a straight face, and don’t break character throughout the conversation. You can even ask them to reintroduce themselves because you’ve totally forgotten who they are. And then, ask them to reintroduce themselves every five seconds. They’ll probably end up leaving you the fuck alone.
“No. I’ve been avoiding you because you say stupid shit like this”
Give it to them straight and simple. What happened to just moving on with the conversation like a normal person? Do people have to complicate things?
Walk away
Nobody has time for nonsense. Abi do you have time for nonsense?
“Oh, you called me, and I didn’t pick up?”
Don’t say this one if you’re a dick and they actually called you and you didn’t pick. They can give you blow. But if they also “forgot you”, and you’re not complaining, why should they?
“Did I even remember myself?”
Good question, don’t you think? In this economy, and with mercury wearing red brocade every five days, who has time to be remembering other people.
“Sorry, I was living through the mess that’s my existence, and I forgot you could have helped make it easier”
Don’t say this to someone who has money and can actually change your life, please. May we not chase away our destiny helpers.
“I heard what you did”
Of course, you didn’t hear anything. But they can’t know this. Even if they ask, just keep saying stuff like, “You thought I wouldn’t find out?” Again, don’t break character.
Last week, Nike released Nigeria’s 2022 football kit. Even though we won’t participate in the World Cup later this year, we sha have a really nice jersey we can wear.
Because Nigeria has had so many beautiful jerseys over the years, I decided to rank the most popular ones.
What do you think?
10. 2002, World Cup
We didn’t win one single game in the group stage of the 2002 World Cup, and it’s because of this jersey. They just went to find neon material and threw it on our boys. Please, NFF and Nike, don’t let this happen again.
9. 2014, World Cup
They rushed to make this jersey, and there’s nothing anyone can tell me. We don’t even have anything to say about it. It’s just… not fine.
8. 2010, World Cup
Although this jersey isn’t terrible, it’s too basic. It looks like a pre-match warm up kit. Look at the collar. Just there. Adidas can’t be making our own Papilo look like this, please.
7. 1992, AFCON
1992 was not a World Cup year, but we still got this absolute gem of a jersey. The designers weren’t scared to switch things up by making it asymmetric, and I absolutely respect that. If not that Ghana knocked us out of AFCON in the semi-finals, shebi we would’ve used it to carry the trophy. At least, we have better jollof rice.
6. 1998, World Cup
I don’t like that this jersey is this low on the list. I actually really like it. It’s just that things really pick up from here. 1998 was also a very memorable World Cup for Nigerians. We beat Spain and finished top of our group. Legendary.
5. 2022
We didn’t make World Cup this year, but at least, we have this super fire jersey with ankara-like patterns that we can wear for owambes. A lot is happening on it, but that’s what makes it so beautiful. I can’t wait to buy one.
4. 2018, World Cup
This is probably our most purchased and talked about jersey ever. I got one. Everyone should get one. It’s just *chef kiss*.
3. 2020
Unpopular opinion, but this jersey is much better than 2018’s. It has the same chuku chuku motif, but this one is much better executed. I also really like the colours and the placement of the badge.
2. 1994, World Cup
Nigeria participated in the World Cup for the first time in 1994, and what a way to announce ourselves. I had a difficult time choosing between the home and away jersey, but inevitably chose the away because how can something be so perfect? It’s proper retro.
1. 1996, AFCON
I’ve seen beauty before, but this is a discovery. No flaws. Everything perfect. 10/10. Look at the neck na. We didn’t go to AFCON that year, but at least, we had the best jersey.
Mr Money with the vibe clearly has zero chills. After dropping his debut album just two weeks ago, the man has sat in front of a camera with a drink in his hand to drop bars for an already recorded song.
This one came with a whole theory on how YBNL is experimenting with Asake
This might be a stretch but I have a theory that YBNL and Empire Music are using Asake to run an experiment. Before you get upset, hear me out first😂 https://t.co/hcl1RfW9hW
