• Congratulations! You have a job or business that brings you money. Your career is looking promising, and you have great plans for your future. But do you know the love of money is the root of all evil? If you’re not careful, you might be tempted to do terrible things to make more money. Don’t you watch Nollywood? 

    But don’t worry. If you follow this article, your appetite will be put in check, and you’ll learn to stay content and humble. 

    Once a month, drink garri for five straight days

    When you were in the trenches, garri was your best friend. Now, because you’re making small money, you’re eating creamy pasta every day. Where was creamy pasta when you were suffering? Remember, and pay respects to the days of your little beginning. 

    Give out all your salary, and live on ₦20k every month

    Think about it. If someone gave you all their money when you were broke, wouldn’t you have been happy? What do you actually need ₦250k for every four weeks? Vanity upon vanity.

    P.S. Reach out to me. I’m in the trenches 😪. 

    Don’t use any iPhone higher than iPhone 5s

    If it’s not that you want to show off and waste your money, why are you using any iPhone higher than the 5s? It can call, text, tweet, browse Zikoko and download Netflix. And it has an earphone jack. What else do you need in a phone? 

    Stop going out on weekends

    If you’re making your money through hard work, you won’t blow it on drinks every weekend. You sef, think about it. Again, people only do things like this to show off. 

    The only weekend outing that’s not considered showing off is going to your place of worship and coming for Z! Fest. Those are necessities.

    Use only public transportation

    Maitama to Area 1 is ₦250 max if you enter along, but you want to show you have money, so you spend ₦4.3m on a car to do the same journey. Do you know what that money can do in someone else’s life? Hmmm. 

    Once your account enters ₦500k, quit your job

    What are you doing with more than ₦500k in your bank account? What do you want to buy? You can’t spend all the money you accumulate when you die o. And in this life, anyone can die at any time.

    If your job offers you a raise, say no

    We’re talking about reducing the amount of money that comes into your pocket, and you want to collect more money? This is stinginess, greed and pride. Come off it. Money can’t do anything for you. 

    Only buy 500MB of data monthly

    What are you browsing that you can’t use 500MB for? Abi you want to watch porn? 


    10 Signs a New Job Is About to Stress Your Life

  • Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    Luno is a great way to get into cryptocurrency Download and start trading today.


    The 23-year-old software quality assurance engineer on this week’s #NairaLife makes over $5k monthly. He made ₦50k at the beginning of 2022. Of all the reasons he’s happy about his new income, being able to take care of his family comes first.

    Tell me about your earliest memory of money

    My parents never gave us money when we were children, so I always looked forward to receiving monetary gifts from visitors. Of course, my mum would collect the money to “keep” it, and that was the end.

    Why didn’t your parents give you money? 

    They just didn’t. They gave us two biscuits and one CapriSun to school every day, so to them, there was no point giving us money. In fact, my mum told us if we collected money from strangers, we’d disappear at night. That didn’t stop me from begging in school, and sometimes, even stealing from her sha.

    One time, I stole ten of my dad’s golf balls and sold them to my classmates for ₦500 each. I just wanted to have money for extra snacks. 

    Were things okay at home?

    Things were good. Both parents were bankers until they retired — my dad in 2013 and my mum in 2017. I’m the last born, and I have three older sisters. We frequently did trips abroad during holidays. I’ve been to seven different countries. In fact, all that flying made me want to become a pilot. Spoiler alert, I’m not a pilot today. I studied computer science.

    My dad retired when I was in JSS 3, but our lifestyle didn’t change. He either spent his time at home or playing golf with his friends. At this time, my three sisters were studying abroad. My dad paid their fees, and my mum ran the home. It wasn’t until 2016 I first noticed things changing. 

    How?

    On the night I got my WAEC result, my dad sat me down and informed me I wouldn’t be studying abroad because the naira to dollar rates had suddenly gone crazy. He couldn’t afford to sponsor four children at the same time. I was disappointed, but I understood. Besides, I went to a private university in Nigeria. If it was a public university, that’s when I would’ve cried. 

    Things were still okay. My mum was working, so we ate well. In fact, no matter how bad things got, my mum never joked with our feeding. 

    So it got worse?

    It did. 100 level was okay. By 200 level, I heard my dad was borrowing money to complete our fees. I was like, borrowing money ke? When I was home on holiday, I noticed he wasn’t sleeping at night. 

    In 2019, I was in 300 level second semester, and we were owing ₦20k from my school fees. ₦20k, bro. My dad just kept apologising to me, saying he’d find the money. 

    School started threatening to kick me out, so I took out of the allowance I’d saved and sent it to him to complete the fees. I could see from his reaction that the thing pained him; he felt like a failure. That’s probably when depression kicked in for him. I got home after that semester and found out he’d tried to kill himself. 

    Whoa

    My sisters were back in Nigeria, and he sent one of them a message like, “Take care of the family”, and didn’t pick his calls after that. My mum was in her small shop in front of the house and didn’t pick her calls for a while too. When they eventually reached her and she ran upstairs, she met him in his room about to take a handful of pills. 

    I was so angry. He was sad he couldn’t take care of us, so he was just going to… leave us? For who? Till today, we’ve not talked about it. When his friends heard, they pooled money for him to clear debts and outstanding fees for my sisters. They didn’t know his finances were that bad. 

    I swore I would make good money to take care of the family. 

    What was the plan?

    I was already on the path to graduating with a first class, so the plan was to finish strong and then find a job. Maybe through NYSC.

    Did you finish with a first class?

    Yep. I was even the best graduating student in my set, and I got an ₦85k prize. But COVID had disrupted the NYSC calendar, so I wasn’t posted from August 2020, when I graduated, until May 2021. 

    What did you do in that period?

    I just dey house o, my brother. I applied for jobs but didn’t get any. It was so frustrating knowing I wasn’t making any progress. I even began to have doubts about my future because of how idle I got. All my sisters studied medicine-related courses. What if I was wrong for studying computer science? Questions like that plagued me. 


    At some point, a friend reached out to me to help him do his computer science-related assignment and paid me ₦4k. When his friends heard I did the assignment well, they also reached out to me. I charged ₦4k for short assignments and ₦8k for the longer ones. I also did someone’s project for ₦40k. 

    I started giving my dad the occasional ₦10k whenever he was going out. I didn’t give my mum money because her pension is  ₦150k monthly. My dad’s is ₦43k. 

    At home, we could sense the frustration in the air. A tin of milk would finish, and the person who bought it would be like, “Guys, who finished this milk na.” Small awkwardness here and there like that. 

    Where did you go for NYSC?

    Calabar, but I redeployed to Lagos after camp. Because I studied computer science, I knew Lagos was a better place to get tech jobs. 

    I served at my uncle’s company. I didn’t really do anything, but they paid me ₦30k monthly. So when my friends told me they were taking a software quality assurance (QA) course, I decided to join them. The problem? It cost ₦300k. I told them to send me whatever course materials they got and studied them during my free time. I also learnt from YouTube videos. 

    By July, I felt like I knew enough to get a job in software quality assurance, so I started applying. Ls everywhere, bro. The hardest job to get in tech is your first job. Everyone wants someone who has done something before. No one wants to give you a chance. By October, I finally got an internship. 

    Quality assurance role?

    Yep. I wasn’t going to deviate since that’s the path I chose. I lied to my uncle that I had to do something NYSC-related on Mondays and Wednesdays when I went to this job every week. So every month, I got NYSC’s alawee of ₦33k, my uncle’s salary of ₦30k and my QA job of ₦50k. That’s ₦113k. I put my dad on ₦10k monthly. 

    Best in sonship

    Shortly after, I read the Naira Life of a woman who was earning $110k a year, and when the interviewer asked her to convert it to naira, she replied, “I don’t think in naira anymore”. Omo, the thing burst my brain. I started applying for remote jobs that paid in dollars. 

    Did you find any?

    Not until December 2021. The rejections were so many, they became depressing. It’s even harder to find tech jobs abroad. I started lying on my CV. 

    How much did the one you got in December pay?

    It was meant to be £10k monthly, but I didn’t get it because, even though it was a remote role, I had to live in the UK to get the job. When my parents saw the offer email, they were shocked. They didn’t understand what I was always doing on my laptop before, but after that email, my dad himself ensured my laptop was always charged. 

    In January, I got to the last stage of another job interview but didn’t get the job. After that, I decided to stop looking for jobs abroad and focus on Nigerian companies. Because of all the lies on my CV, it was much easier to get offers. One company offered ₦200k, another, ₦250k, and another, ₦400k. I’d accepted the ₦400k one when the company I currently work for reached out for me to have an interview. I started working in March.

    How much?

    £2k a month. 

    Mad

    Bro, when the first alert entered, it was like ₦1.5m. My entire family looked at the alert; all those little frustrations died. It was like a complete sense of ease just filled the house. I’d never seen such pride on my parents’ faces. As a child, whenever I thought about my first million, I thought I would get it through savings. I’d just exceeded it in a month. At 22. I gave my dad ₦150k, my mum ₦100k, and we bought stuff for the house. That’s just how things have been since then. 

    In June, I saw a TikTok where someone said they were working two jobs, and I thought, “I have plenty of free time. I can do this too”.  And so, I started applying for jobs. By October, I got another that paid $3,450 with stock options worth $10k. 


    You need a party, and we have a party for you. Get your Z! Fest tickets here and leave the rest to us.


    How has earning this much affected your lifestyle? 

    Before, I had to look at my account balance and calculate before spending any money. Now, I just buy whatever I need without too much thinking. I’m like, “Is it not just money?” Recently, the police pulled me and my friends over and were checking our papers. Normally, I’d be scared. But the first thing that came to my mind was, “Las las, na money dem go collect. And I have money.” I’m mostly introverted, but these days, I go out more.

    What’s the last thing you bought that changed the quality of your life?

    A new iPhone 13 Pro Max for ₦760k. I planned to get a phone next year, but I realised I hadn’t bought anything big for myself since I started earning well. Occasionally, I look at the phone and just go, “I’m a big boy o.” I also bought AirPods Pro for ₦140k and an iPhone 12 for my sister for ₦430k. 

    Have you recently spent money you had to plan for first? 

    My sister got married recently. I contributed ₦1.5m. 

    How do you feel about black tax?

    I don’t see what I do as black tax. In fact, it’s my love language to see my family members happy because I’m spending money on them. I absolutely love it, and I only want to do more. 

    What are your finances like right now?

    I have $10k in stocks, £7k and ₦500k. But I want to invest in more financial literacy going forward. I don’t think it’s wise to just leave money in the bank. Gradually, I’ll learn. 

    Is there something you want right now but can’t afford?

    I think I have all I need right now. But maybe my own house.

    Show me how you spend money in a month

    The entire $3450 from the other job goes to savings or investments. 

    And how happy are you financially? Use a 1-10 scale

    Before I got my current job, I would’ve said 6. But now, it’s an 8. My goal was to earn $5k a month by the end of this year. I’ve surpassed it. Let’s push for $10k monthly next year. 

    Luno is a great way to get into cryptocurrency Download and start trading today.


  • Vol 5 | 21-11-2022

    Brought to you by

    Happy Monday, {$name} 🙃

    So apart from yourself, who do you spend most of your money on?

    Nobody? You need to change.

    In two of our stories today, our subjects talk about happily spending money on their loved ones and having zero regrets because that’s what makes them happy.

    After the subject on #NairaLife’s dad tried to kill himself because of debts in 2019, he swore he’d make money to take care of his family.

    And omo, he’s making money.

    In this letter:

    • The Heartwarming #NairaLife of a 23-Year-Old Breadwinner
    • The Love Currency: A Long-distance relationship in Ibadan and Lagos on a ₦30k salary
    • Money Meanings: “Black Tax”
    • Game: #HowMuchLast
    • Where The Money At?!

    #NairaLife: The Heartwarming #NairaLife of a 23-Year-Old Breadwinner

    The 23-year-old software quality assurance engineer on this week’s #NairaLife makes over $5k monthly. His salary was ₦50k at the beginning of the year.

    Of all the reasons he’s happy about his new income, being able to take care of his family comes first.

    He doesn’t consider giving his parents ₦250k monthly black tax, though. In fact, he wants to do more.

    Find out why he embraces black tax

    Who’s got your back?

    Life happens. We all go through moments that are not our best days. But you can live in a way that you’re well protected no matter what happens. Live confidently above the challenges of life with a Stanbic IBTC Life Insurance plan.

    Get a Stanbic IBTC Insurance Plan

    The Love Currency: A Long-distance relationship in Ibadan and Lagos on a ₦30k salary

    My favourite part of this story is Feyi* playfully protesting that her boyfriend complains when she impulsively buys something for herself, but doesn’t when she gets him a spontaneous gift. Who no like better thing?

    An excerpt: “I think the reason he doesn’t like me spending so much is because he doesn’t have plenty money himself. He’s still in university, and it’s me who normally sends him money.

    This story was brought to you by Gomoney


    Read More Of This Story

    Some other great money articles you should read:

    At Luno, we believe cryptocurrency is for everyone. Tap into all the many possibilities.

    Visit Luno

    Money Meanings

    Game: #HowMuchLast

    #HowMuchLast is a game where we show you an item and you tell us (and the world) the highest amount you’d pay for it.

    Some weeks will be Okin biscuit, some others will be SUVs.

    This week, we’re testing your street cred. #HowMuchLast for a De Rica of rice?

    What’s the most you’d pay? Tweet at us here.

    Ordinary is Boring

    Let’s face it. Ordinary is boring, but you can go for the extraordinary with a juicy pension plan that rewards your hustle today so you can retire early and still ball hard. Start by moving your pension to Stanbic IBTC Pension Managers today.

    Visit Stanbic IBTC Pension

    Where The Money At?!

    We can’t say we’re about the money and not actually help you find the money.

    So we’ve compiled a list of job opportunities for you. Make sure you share this with anyone who might need it because in this community, we look out for each other.

    Again, don’t mention. We gatchu.

    Share this newsletter

    All good things must come to an end. But not this good thing. We’ll be back next week.

    In the
    meantime, keep reading Zikoko’s articles and be sure to share the love.

    Till next week…

    Yours cashly,

    David,

    Mr Money’s Daddy

    Did someone awesome send this to you?

    Subscribe to this Newsletter

    18, Nnobi Street, Surulere, Lagos,
    Nigeria

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  • Imagine you were graduating from the Class of 2022 and this was your yearbook. These are your classmates and their personalities. Did we lie?

    Lady Donli

    You know that child who just sits in the corner, minds their business and draws in their sketchbook? That’s Zainab. She’s troublesome and loud o, but only around her close friends. And nobody disrespects her because she’s mysterious. 

    Also, when you open her sketchbook, you see she’s a brilliant artist, but what she draws will have you wash your eyes with holy water. 

    Tiwa Savage

    She’s the hot babe of the class. Your smelling class boys don’t even try moving to her. It’s only senior boys she rolls with. Her uniform? Always pristine. 

    Portable

    The tout of the class. His uniform is always torn from one fight or another. He has lapalapa on his head. Teachers don’t bother ensuring he understands what they’re saying. They already know he can never make it. 

    YKB

    He knows how to get along with teachers while being a bad boy, so everyone likes him. He’s also really intelligent, so nobody can actually fault him for anything. Oh, and his swag levels? Out of this world. 

    *Enters advertising mode* Yusuf baby is going to rock Z! Fest on Saturday, and you better join us to lose our voices screaming “Alabama, sheybe leti j’amala!”

    Burna Boy

    His parents are rich, and he used to school abroad, but he’s back in Nigeria as a punishment. Now, he’s the class snub who only talks to the other rich kids. Every other person is smelling, and he can’t stand Portable. 

    Dwin the Stoic

    He’s won all the talent shows since JSS 1 because he knows how to sing and makes it his entire personality. Swag? Zero. Babes? They’ve all friendzoned him. But at least, he can sing.

    *Switches to advertising mode* Dwin the Stoic will be serenading us at Z! Fest on Saturday. We’ve tried, but we actually can’t wait. Get your ticketss!

    Tope Alabi

    She has scribbled “Give your life to Christ” on her desk. She’s the chapel prefect who leads the assembly in praise and worship every morning. She sits in front and answers questions like it’s a competition. She has never gotten anything less than an A in CRK. She’s also the only one in your set who didn’t slim-fit her uniform. 

    Ayra Starr

    Social prefect. She brings the vibes on vibes, literally. Never a single dull moment with her.

    *Switches to advertising mode again* She’ll also bring the vibes on vibes to Z! Fest this Saturday, so get your tickets here then come and watch Ayra shut down the show!

    Teni

    She’s a bully. Not only to juniors o; even the boys in her class fear her. She sits at the back of the class always. And she brings her phone to school.

    Rema

    All Rema wants to do is attend English class because he’s in love with the teacher. If you know, you know. 


  • If you’re feeling the end-of-the-year burnout, you’re not alone. But you have to keep working for the next few weeks so you can have enough money to spoil yourself this Christmas, right? Wrong.

    You can show up at work, but with these tips, your boss will leave you to watch Netflix all day every day. 

    Date them

    If your boss is calling you daddy or mummy, tell me if they can use that same mouth to give you work. Never. This is why we encourage unethical workplace dating. Do it. Nobody will beat you, and you’ll benefit from it. 

    Come up with a new lie every day

    Say you’re sick, your mum died or something. Just lie. You think your boss doesn’t lie too? You think they have that many meetings? They’re out playing golf with their rich friends. If Elon Musk can be on Twitter 24/7 while running some of the biggest companies in the world, then you have no reason to give your job your all. Flex. 

    Work hard and become their boss

    There’s nothing like a sweet grass-to-grace story, but this one might require some time and extra work. Imagine sending your line manager to buy amala and then asking them to wash the oily plastic plates when you’re done eating. If you don’t have any other reason to be diligent in life, this one is enough. 

    Be bad at your job

    Just be… terrible. Let them understand that sending you work is equivalent to delayed deadlines and poor work they’ll have to end up doing themselves. It works every time. They might fire you, but at least, you’ll collect salary for a few months of doing nonsense. 

    Be unemployed

    Nobody can send you any work if you don’t have a job. Think outside the box. 

    Work at a local government office

    Is it the oga who’s never on seat that wants to send you on errands? Please, come off it. 

    Be wicked

    It’s good to have a reputation for being wicked and unreasonable. If you can even publicly be a witch, that would be good. Who wants to send you on errands when it means they won’t see the next day?

    Look busy all the time

    Schedule fake meetings, walk fast, use big words. Just make it look like you’re working your ass off. They’ll be proud of you.


    You need a party, and we have a party for you. Get your Z! Fest tickets here and leave the rest to us.

    Z! FEST 2022

    7 Reasons Why You Should Sleep With Your Coworkers

  • We’re tired of hearing relationships are coming to an end because of ordinary arguments. If one of you didn’t harm or kill someone, then every fight is solvable with these guaranteed tips. 

    Don’t let us hear you fought or broke up again o.

    Break into singing and dancing

    Women love singing and dancing. Do you think Bollywood people don’t know what they’re doing? When she’s shouting at the top of her voice about how you slept with her sister, just start singing and dancing. If I hear she doesn’t forgive you straight!

    Tickle her

    Tell me one person who doesn’t like laughing. One person. No? Exactly. So your Nigerian girlfriend is no different. Laughter is kuku the best medicine. 

    Bring up her weight

    The best time to bring up the fact that your babe has added a few kilograms is right in the middle of an argument. Just say, “No wonder you’re now fat”. It’ll take her mind off the fight, and she’ll appreciate you telling her about her body, which is absolutely your business. 

    Kiss her mid-shout

    Romance is not dead. It never was, and it never will be. The reason you were cheating is because you were spreading love. Spread the love to her too. 

    Serve your food in front of her

    As she’s talking, just walk to the kitchen to serve yourself. If she’s still talking when you’re done, start eating. If she’s still talking when you’ve finished eating, go to bed. By the time you wake up, in this world or the next, the argument should be over. 

    Compare her to her friends

    When she says something you don’t like, say something like, “At least, Stephanie doesn’t treat me like this”. The closer the friend is to her, the more effective this will be. It’ll help her reflect on the decisions she’s made and act better. 

    Cry

    In a world where men are not emotionally vulnerable, emotional vulnerability will help you win loads and loads of arguments. Just try it out, and see the wonders your tears can do. It doesn’t matter that you’re drinking too much and being unavailable. Cry your way out of accepting responsibility. 


    Dear Nigerian Women, Let’s Talk About Your Flirting Skills


    Call your mother

    Honestly, poverty is in the land, and nobody has money — or time — to visit any bloody therapists. Invite the elderly and wise, AKA Mummy Femi, to solve the issue.

    Do a fake break-up

    Break up with her. She’ll most likely cry and beg, and when you tell her you were joking, there’ll be no more argument. If she accepts the breakup, you dodged a bullet. You can’t lose, really. 

    Randomly start recording

    Whip out your phone, put the camera in her face and record everything she says while screaming, “I have this on record!” She will comport herself. 

    Tell her she’s overreacting

    This is the most effective way to win arguments with your Nigerian girlfriend. Say stuff like, “You’re shouting”, “Calm down”, “It’s not that deep” or “Is it not ordinary period? That’s why you’re behaving like this.”


    8 Things You Should Never Say To A Nigerian Woman On Her Period

  • There are almost 400 English words you can make from “Eskelebetiolebebe”. All we’re asking is that you get at least 20. Can you do it?


  • I went to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever last week, and I can’t tell if I liked the movie or not because I was too busy hating everyone around me for being the absolute worst. Then I went on Twitter and saw that other people experienced the same thing. Because look at this tweet. 

    I met at least two of these kinds of people last week, but if you hang around a Nigerian cinema long enough, you’ll meet them all.  

    The blockbuster you’ve been anticipating is out

    Let’s fucking goooooooooooo!

    And you have some loose change

    Sapa is outside, but you find small ₦5k in the back pocket of the trousers you haven’t won since you were four 😉. 

    So you decide to go and see the movie on its premiere day

    Let them know you’re a real fan. 

    But once you see the crowd, you know you won’t have a great time

    Wahala. Wahala o. 

    If it’s a Nigerian cinema, these are the people you’ll meet

    Let me prepare your mind.

    People with children

    I once sat between two people with children in a cinema hall. I left before the movie finished. The child on the left wouldn’t stop crying and the one on the right wouldn’t stop asking the silliest questions. It wasn’t even a children’s movie. And this is a normal thing in Nigerian cinemas. Why? Leave your kids at home!

    People making out

    Just look out of the corner of your eye in a Nigerian cinema, and I promise you’ll see two teenagers kissing and touching each other. In a room full of people o. We should actually start flogging these people when we catch them. 

    Comedians 

    These are my personal least favourite people to share a cinema hall with. They’ll make one joke that makes three people chuckle and take it as a sign that their comedian career is off to a great start. They’ll then proceed to make terrible jokes throughout the movie even though nobody is laughing. 

    When I went to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever last week, a group of about 15 boys were loudly making jokes every five minutes. Someone told them to keep quiet, and the entire group insulted them, which turned into loud fire-for-fire insults. The movie was still playing. 

    Torchlight flashers

    I know you’re trying to get to your seat, but does that mean you should blind me? Ehn?

    Call receivers

    Have you been in a cinema hall with a Yoruba uncle? His phone will ring loudly while he’s struggling to bring it out of his pocket, and when he eventually gets it out, he’ll pick and have the entire call at his loudest voice — “Can you hear me?!”

    People who keep standing up to go out

    People need to control their bladders better. I said what I said. 

    People who came to eat

    Let me not lie. Me, I want to be one of these people. I’m just jealous I didn’t have money to buy shawarma.  


    10 Annoying Things Nigerians Need To Stop Doing To Other People

  • Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    Luno is a great way to get into cryptocurrency Download and start trading today.


    Before November 2020, the most money the 27-year-old on this week’s #NairaLife had made was ₦100k from a scholarship. Then she found affiliate marketing and made ₦2m in a year. Today, she makes ₦160k as a lawyer but knows she’s going back to marketing. 

    What’s your earliest memory of money?

    Helping my mum sell food at one of her shops. She’s a civil servant, but she took on side hustles — making food, pastries and beads — to support the family when my dad, who was also a civil servant, quit his job to venture into charcoal exporting. Things didn’t work out for him. 

    My mum was able to carry the burden of taking care of her four children well. We didn’t lack food, clothing or good education. Sometimes, she’d buy clothes for us and say it was our dad who bought them, just to keep things looking good in the family. She was so graceful at it that I knew I had to make my own money too. I even tried to start in JSS 3. 

    How?

    During the holiday after junior WAEC, I asked a neighbour who was a baker to teach me how to bake, and she was excited to. But my dad said no. My parents are big on their children staying home to read rather than doing business. 

    When I was in SS 3, I made jewellery with my mum’s beads and sold them to friends and neighbours for ₦500 each. That didn’t last long because I went to university in a different state, far away from Lagos.

    What did you study?

    Law. It would’ve been food and nutrition, but my dad’s late brother was a lawyer. He wanted one of his children to study law as a way to remember him. I got into uni in 2013, but because of ASUU strikes, I had to return home for over a year. In 2015, when I resumed my first year again, I applied and won two scholarships. One was an essay competition, and for the other, I had to write an academic paper and defend it in front of a panel of judges.

    I won ₦200k in total and used some of the money to start a business. 

    What business?

    I bought hair straighteners and helped people stretch their hair. I didn’t have the skill. I just thought it could be good business since I was in a girl’s hostel. I printed “Stretch your hair here” and pasted it on my door. 

    How much did you charge?

    Between ₦300 and ₦500. Because I wasn’t good at it, I could spend as long as one hour per person. In 200 level, I stopped and started baking cakes instead. My mum was a baker, and I had a roommate who baked as well, so I used the combined knowledge to bake small cakes for friends and people from fellowship with a stove in the hostel. On some weeks, I made just enough profit to survive on my own. Most other weeks, I survived by asking my parents and aunts and uncles for money. 

    During strikes, I wouldn’t travel back to Lagos because I didn’t want my parents to keep me home doing nothing. My aunt, who lived in the same state my uni was located, connected me with some families who needed a home lesson teacher for their children. They were three families with a total of 10 children, and I charged between ₦1k and ₦2k per child. So I was doing over ₦10k a month during strikes. 

    Towards the end of uni, when I went home during a strike, I worked as a teacher in a small school. They paid ₦12k, but I left because it was too far from my house. After that, I worked as a receptionist at a medical lab. They paid me ₦10k for a month. 

    Those were the things I did to make extra money during university. I graduated in 2019.

    What happened after?

    I got an internship at a small law firm in Abuja. My older brother lived there, so I moved in with him. For three months, I wasn’t paid a consistent salary. It was always between ₦5k and ₦10k. And my manager kept making passes at me even though I told him to stop. I stopped going there the day he took my hand and put it on his crotch to feel his penis. I told them my dad needed me back in Lagos. 

    Did you actually return to Lagos?

    Yes. But then I had an issue with my brother’s wife. I’m not a heavy eater, and she took that to mean I didn’t want to eat her food.

    Also, they had a maid who woke up by 4:30 a.m. to clean the entire house. During the day, I did dishes, ran errands, cooked and helped prepare the kids for school. So tell me why she had a problem with the fact that I wasn’t waking up as early as the maid to do chores.

    What happened when you got back?

    I worked as a teacher till December. This one paid ₦20k. I also properly learnt how to bake, finally. I paid a baker friend of mine just ₦30k, and she taught me how to make and decorate cakes professionally. 

    In 2020, I finally went to law school, but I could only stay there for a month before COVID chased us home. Then I decided to start a cake making business.

    How did it go?

    I was making good cakes, and my friends patronised and recommended me. The problem was I lived in a remote part of Lagos, so it was difficult to find dispatch riders. When they eventually came, they’d still run other deliveries before delivering my cakes late, and many times, smashed up. I didn’t make profit, and I was leaving a bad impression. 

    Shortly after I stopped, a friend connected me with someone from Ghana who needed to do their school project. They knew I could write, and I knew I needed the money, so I took the job. In about a month, I was done, and the Ghanaian paid me ₦30k. I couldn’t believe it. To me, it was such good money. I started looking for more writing jobs. Someone told me about Fiverr but also discouraged me because Nigerians either didn’t get jobs or were paid poorly.

    In the search for writing gigs, I stumbled on the post of a lawyer I followed on LinkedIn, who made money from affiliate marketing. When I reached out to her, she said I needed to learn how to write persuasively to be successful at it. Not the type of writing I did, but copywriting to evoke emotion. I also needed to learn about targeted ads, sales funnels, and all that marketing stuff. Affiliate merketing is promoting other people’s products to get a commission, and I needed to learn properly.

    Did you?

    Yes. She sold me a course that taught me the fundamentals. It cost ₦40k. I didn’t have the money, but my ex-boyfriend did, and he gave it to me. As soon as I read the first part of the course and understood the basics, I decided to give affiliate marketing a try.

    I started in November 2020. By the end of December, I’d made ₦500k. 

    Cash madam

    It was like scales fell off my eyes. The internet suddenly felt bigger and filled with more opportunities than I could imagine. 

    How exactly did you make money doing affiliate marketing?

    For ₦10k, I signed up for an affiliate marketing website. On that website, there were all kinds of digital products — eBooks, courses, software, anything. The seller puts the price, description and commission for whoever sells the product. As someone signed up to the platform, if you select a product, you get a unique link, and when someone buys the product with your link, you get the commission.

    The first product I sold was a course on how to japa to Canada. I created Twitter threads and put the link to the course at the end. It was ₦25k with a 50% commission. Over time, I added courses on how to pass IELTS, how to japa to the UK via school, and how to become a better copywriter. They each cost between ₦20k to ₦25k and had 50% commissions. 

    Was the copywriting knowledge useful?

    Very. I had to sound convincing. I even used templates from the course, and they worked like magic. The more I talked about travelling, the more followers I got on Twitter. So people saw me as an authority on matters of travelling and DM’d me for advice. Of course, after doing research to answer their questions, I redirected them to the course. 

    By February 2021, I returned to law school, and for the first time, I didn’t have to ask my parents for money. I even sent them money occasionally. They knew what I was doing for a living, so they were happy for me. 

    Was the ₦500k a monthly thing?

    No o. By the time I stopped affiliate marketing in March [2022], I’d made a total of ₦2m. Law school was stressful, so I couldn’t put in as much effort. I made ₦500k that first month because I put my all into it. I took it as a job, and everything was organic. 

    By June 2021, I had to do an internship in Lagos. It paid ₦30k. I was there for a month before moving to another company where they paid me ₦40k. They hired me as a trainee associate in September 2021 and increased my salary to ₦100k. I was doing my affiliate marketing the whole time, but not with as much energy as when I started. I needed to learn how to automate through ads. But I was either too tired or too busy to complete the course. I even tried hiring someone online who said she was an expert at ads. She took my money and never did the job. I just stopped because I wasn’t doing as well as I knew I could. 

    Do you actually want to pursue a career in law?

    I want to learn the ropes at least. Someone told me I need to understand how law is practised in Nigeria, at least with my first few years after law school. After that, I can do what I want.

    What did you do when you stopped affiliate marketing?

    I stayed at my trainee associate job but worked as a digital marketer for a colleague’s startup on the side. The startup outsourced human resource management, travel document processing and resume writing, and my job was to help maintain the online image of the company. 

    I did that for two months. I was paid ₦5k on the first and nothing on the second. I wasn’t doing the job for the money. It was just because I knew him and wanted to have digital marketing in my portfolio. But since we couldn’t even agree on a documented payment structure, I left. 

    Shortly after, I got my first law side gig, and I still get them today.  

    What’s that?

    Some of the companies my firm works with reach out to me for stuff like company registration and filing annual returns. Whenever I get a job like that, I ask my colleagues how much I should charge. The first time I filed annual returns for a company, I was paid ₦160k. I got other legal jobs after — ₦60k here, ₦20k there. 

    What do you make on an average month?

    About ₦200k. My firm increased my salary to ₦160k in August, and the other ₦40k comes from those law side gigs. 

    And how do you spend the ₦200k?

    What do you want but can’t afford right now?

    I stay with my married sister. I want to move out. An apartment will cost me about ₦500k for a year.

    How much longer do you see yourself practising law?

    Maybe a year or two. I’m currently applying for scholarships to do a master’s in law abroad. If that happens, I can return to Nigeria and earn better. 

    Are you done with marketing?

    I’m still reading books and taking courses. I’ll be back to it soon. 

    And what’s your financial happiness on a scale of 1-10?

    I like that I don’t have to call my parents to ask for money anymore. In fact, I give them money now. So I’ll put it at a 7 because I know there’s more ahead.

    Sweet —

    Actually, let’s put it at a 3. I’m on the way, but I’m nowhere near where I want to be financially. 7 is a stretch. It’s not like I’m making ₦1m a month. 

    Or maybe 5. Let’s do 5.


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  • World Cup starts in nine days. We can understand if you’re not excited. Nigeria isn’t at the World Cup because Ghana beat our asses. 

    Don’t worry, though. We’ve brought you a list of countries you can support and not feel unpatriotic. 

    Canada

    Who said Nigeria isn’t at the World Cup, please? Check the Canadian national team in 15 years, and walahi, you’re just going to see names like Adebayo, Chuma and Ogedengbe. Just support our people. Who knows? Canada might see your tweets and give you permanent residence for patriotism. 

    England

    I’m putting this on the list simply because I love Bukayo Saka. 

    Argentina

    This is the last chance for the greatest footballer of all time to win football’s biggest prize. So he’s going to need as much support from everywhere across the world to make this happen. A Messi World Cup is at the same level of importance as ending world poverty.

    Ghana

    Our brothers in jollof are going to World Cup. If they win, they’ll lord it over us for the rest of our lives, and it’ll be painful. But also, we’ll be able to say a West African has won the World Cup. Not bad.

    Germany

    Jamal Musiala and Karim Adeyemi are on the German team. Even though they’re choosing to play for another country, I’ll still support them. 

    Cameroon

    I’m adding Cameroon to the list because I’ve started using a lot of Cameroon pepper in my cooking, and omo, it’s so good. God bless the country that produced it. They deserve to win the World Cup.