Did you graduate from university with first class honours, second class upper honours, third class honours or a pass? Wait! No need to bring out your transcript, we can’t guess it (and we are pretty confident that we’ll get it right).
Take this quiz and see:
Your life as a student is an overload of assignments and projects, crippling your desire and plans to live your best life. Group assignments can be pretty chill sometimes, but at other times, the odds will be against you and you wonder if the grades are worth the trouble.
What’s all this?
Are you okay?
Relax now, you’re not getting paid.
Oh God!
What’s the worst that could happen?
Will you keep quiet?
Why are you so wicked?
Just kill me
How did I find myself here?
All of you are stupid.
Who are you and why are you here?
If you enjoyed reading this, you will like All The Ways Nigerian Students Deal With An Impromptu Test
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If you went to University in Nigeria, chances are that everyone regardless of department and course did 100level on the main campus. However, people studying “professional” courses had an extra sense of pride in them.
Especially those courses where they left the main campus after year one. The guys that studied Medicine, Nursing, Physiotherapy, Pharmacy, Lab science, Radiography, etc.
Here’s a list of the many atrocities they committed in their short time on the main campus.
Go to your promised land and leave us alone pls.
Haq haq.
Mschew.
Don’t you want to mingle?
Is it not this same 100 level we are all in?
Na wa oohhh.
Really? Really?
In case you missed how University students scam their parents, you should definitely read this.
If you went to University in Nigeria, chances are that you or someone you know inflated the cost of schooling and its requirements.
Here are some of the most common lies Nigerian students use to collect money illegally from their parents:
Shout out to those medical students that did the most.
Per semester criminal, well done.
The origin story of people who eventually became armed robbers.
Lies. Unprovoked lies everywhere
Iphone money complete.
Money for Nysc flex secured.
Educated thief.
Haq. Haq.
Pepper soup every night for the squad.
Where seminar money = Enjoyment funds.
Leaving home for university can be fun until you get hit with the realization that you are really alone, even when you are actually never alone. Then it dawns on you that the stress of getting an education might not be worth it, particularly when you consider the adulting that it requires which includes, COOKING YOUR OWN MEAL.
If you are the kind of person who would rather starve than go into the kitchen to cook at all–aren’t we all though? Then your lazy bones will totally relate to these food items that have been making life easy for students since, forever!
This just had to top the list, I considered making it last but nah. Garri is bae and it goes with anything, well almost anything. You can eat it (dry), drink it, make eba with it and fry it–if you’re adventurous enough.
I know its proper name is noodles; the Japanese call it ramen but Nigerians just call it Indomie, for some reason every noodles is Indomie and we can’t stop calling it that. And this food item is a no brainer and a fave because it is fast to cook.
It can be eaten raw, YASS. It can be cooked in different ways, with different condiments but if suffer head is catching you, just put it into hot water, and eat it like that when it’s cooked.
Ha, this is the king of all. It is sweet and nutritious. It is usually cooked when there is no money because that’s the only reason someone will wait for five hours for it to get cooked o!
If the allowee situation is really dire, consider adding a drum of water in it, it will be sure to last you a while that way. No worries of eating too much of it though, it regulates itself–or you, more like.
This is sometimes a luxury food item in school but it remains essential. Bread combos are always nice; bread and tea, bread and akara, bread and beans, bread and butter, bread and fish, bread and groundnut, bread and water or bread and coke–some people actually pour the bread into the coke.
Bread is really great when you are on a tight budget, it seems to rise in your stomach, keeping you sustained all day long.
Because, who is a Nigerian without rice? White rice, fried rice, jollof rice, concoction rice, improptu rice, atagungun rice–all join to sustain your diet.
Which of these is your favourite?
When you got admission into university, you were excited about a whole new life. You were ready to revel in a new kind of freedom, away from your parents and the annoying curfews and rules they set to curtail your movements. You thought about a lot of things: what to do, when to do it, how to have the most kind of fun in your new life without anyone overshadowing your movements or moments.
You thought about your prospective roommate(s) too, but you didn’t give them much thought. How bad could it be? Who could be as horrible as the sibling you shared your room with? If only you had known that there was horrible and there was horrible. Once the life started, you started to amass stories because of these people, these roommates and their varying behaviours:
You always thought you were clean enough. Growing up, you always heard that cleanliness was next to Godliness. You had that shit on lock – or so you thought until you met your roommate, and started to wonder if they were overdoing it, or you were only not as clean as you thought. At first, you couldn’t care less, so you watched in amusement when they complained about a sock on the floor, or plates you hadn’t washed in days.
Then, it got real. You started to lose your stuff. At first, you thought you were tripping and blamed it on your forgetfulness. But it was happening way too much. You couldn’t be that forgetful. You did a little digging and found out your roommate had been moving your stuff because they thought they were what? Trash!!!
You learned your lesson, though. Anything you needed was kept out of plain sight. Life could be easier, but you had to adapt.
You probably thought your “please-this-place-could-be-cleaner-roommate” was the worst kind of person you would have to deal with. Heh! It was only a matter of time before you realised how wrong you were. You changed rooms and was prepared to settle into a new life. Your new roommate wasn’t overbearing as the last one. They didn’t trouble you over the littlest things. Ha, life was getting better.
Then you started to notice a strange pattern; how the room would not be swept for days at a time if you didn’t do it. How making the bed in the morning was not a concept your new roommate was comfortable with. How your new roommate was not a fan of washing the dishes they used until weeks or months had passed. How their shoes were strewn around in the room, and their clothes were in a heap in a corner waiting to be attended to. And the worst of all, how they were so comfortable in the mess they lived in – thriving even.
You realised what a fast life this was, because now, you were the irritable, overbearing one who needed to take things easier.
At this point, you thought about living alone, but it wasn’t up to you. Your account balance said no, so you forged on, ready for whatever came next. Again, you thought the worst had passed.
You met your new roommate, and they seemed okay. You even had a honeymoon phase when everything was perfect. The new roommate was outgoing but it didn’t bother you. Soon, it became your problem. They started keeping late-nights or early-mornings, disrupting whatever you thought was fun during these moments e.g sleep. They had lost their key too, so you had to be the designated, irritated, and unpaid doorkeeper. Again, you stayed because you didn’t have a choice. That too shall pass you said to yourself.
At this point, you had given up. You were ready to face anything. You switched roommates again, and in came the new one. You knew something was off immediately you saw them. Their “over-friendliness” signaled an ominous feeling. You would find out soon enough. It started from borrowing little things you didn’t care about like your pen or something.
Then, your clothes, shoes, and every other thing you cared about stopped being yours. All your talk about respecting boundaries fell into the void.
You weren’t your own person, anymore. They owned you.
Your Twin Personality
Now, your spirit had been broken. You were going to have another roommate. You knew what to expect now; something about them would make your life miserable. Well, if that was it, it was it. You were only a pawn in the game. Things started smoothly, but you started to count down to when things would go horribly wrong.
Nothing happened. Not in the first week, second, or third. Nor in the first month, second, or third month. You started to let yourself believe that nothing would go wrong, and for the most part, you were right!
It took some time, but you found a match. One experience you could reminisce about without a dry taste hanging in your throat.
If you’ve been reading this every Monday, you know the drill at this point. If you haven’t, now you know that Zikoko talks to anonymous people every week about their relationship with the Naira.
Sometimes, it will be boujee, other times, it will be struggle-ish. But all the time–it’ll be revealing.
What you should know about the guy in this story: He’s a 23-year-old Youth Corps member working at a decent place of primary assignment in Lagos.
I was in SS1, and a day student too, so I used to sell noodles. This is how it worked; boarding students were getting served horrible food, so selling a better alternative to them meant an instant hit.
I’d wake up early – like 5am – prepare the noodles based on orders I’d received. Then take everything to school. I was fulfilling a real need, so it wasn’t hard to charge them ₦500 per plate.
In SS2, PTDF – that Petroleum Technology Development Fund thing – they donated computers to my school, about 100 of them. Bu you know what was crazy? The school wasn’t allowing us use them, something about us not being tech-savvy or so we don’t spoil them. They literally just locked them up like they were furniture.
So imagine that one day, we’re all just chilling in the hostel, me and my friends, and someone just said, “what if we took these parts of the computers from the lab, you know, the ones easy to replace. And then we sold them?”
And that’s how we started, we managed to get the key from the prefect in charge of where the computers were kept, then we’d sneak in, take a couple of things, a hard drive here, a mouse there, etc. Then we’d sell them at the side of town where everyone went for the computer parts and Tokunbo phones. There were about four of us, but any time we sold anything we used to get over ₦30k, then we’d split it.
In typical fashion, the others boys found out in the hostel, and it became an absolute mess. They were moving entire computer monitors and stuff.
You know what was even crazier? The school had external visitors, and in typical fashion, they wanted to “show off the computers to being used to prepare for our digital future.” A madness. Then they just opened the lab, and bam, missing computers here and there.
We never got found out.
Expulsion, most likely. There was always the fear of getting caught, but the money kinda balanced out that fear. That time, I’d just jump the school fence and go deposit it in my Kiddies Bank Account – I already had a bank account then.
16 – a proper Juvenile Delinquent.
Anyway, it was a mostly dry patch after that. I tried out buying and selling stuff, like clothes. That’s when I realised that this version of buying and selling, where I didn’t create the product, sucked.
I started writing, and learning graphics, and getting paid to do them, but the gigs were far too few and far in between for it to be called a real gig.
Then my allowance from home got sparser and sparser – my folks were having money struggles – and I had to do something about it. So I had this friend who was cashing out like mad selling weed – Loud specifically.
I invested ₦35k that should get you a quarter ounce, and you know how much I got back in 2 weeks? ₦50k – that’s a 43% return on investment. I threw more money in, and that’s how I survived my final year in school, mostly feeding off dividends.
Basically. I mean, I dunno what the constitution says about that, but I know if you get caught, you’re going to pay.
I wasn’t directly in contact with any clientele, because I really was just an investor, but the market was mostly working class people and anyone who could pay. Students couldn’t afford to pay ₦5k for a bag.
When I was leaving school, I exited at ₦200k. But in total, I think I made up to half a million in like 11 months. The money never came in chunks, except for when I exited.
Then post-school, I reconnected with a previously distant relative, who kind of stepped up, and the random cash boosts were helpful. But it wasn’t consistent, and you don’t want to depend on that kind of money.
Finding multiple streams of income. I even tried to secure posting to some company that was willing to pay ₦80k, but it didn’t work out.
Currently, money just comes from NYSC and my place of primary assignment. I’m trying to figure shit out while trying not to get screwed over with the law or something.
I get up to 55k now every month – enough for a few Uber trips, transport and food.
Everybody lies about money. Parents lie about money. Friends lie about money. NYSC people lie about money – a corper told me he was getting ₦100k. It’s not impossible to earn that, but I found out that it was a lie. Like, he had no reason to lie, yet he did. Guys at work will never tell you how much they earn. Also, everyone seems to be living beyond their means.
I feel like I should be earning between 100 and ₦150k. But getting good money right now, that would be about ₦3 million a year. Still, this number will not help me pay rent where I’d like to live. I won’t be able to consistently handle family emergencies when they come up, because they will come up.
Money is amoral. I understand the importance of money – don’t get me wrong – but people try to moralise money. Like, this is how you should earn etc, and I don’t get it. As long as I’m not hurting anybody, I don’t see a problem with the method.
It’s why I never dabbled into Internet fraud – I was surrounded by it in school – but you literally had to take money from someone who wasn’t willing to give you by manipulation. That’s fraud.
Also, I now realise that money really is the biggest motivator. If you pay people, they just tend to act right.
I was on Complex.com the other day and they pay about $2,500 monthly to their writers. So if I’m earning that, using today’s estimates, I’ll say I’ve done pretty well with the piece-of-shit degree that means nothing to me.
30 years might be too much for me, my imagination tends to run wild. But 10 years, I feel like I would have figured out a lot of it, not all of it. Wherever I’m at, I’m just going to try to be content. Because it’s not about how much you earn, but how happy you are with it – or some shit like that.
Nope. I’ve never really seen myself as someone that would need a pension. I just feel like if in 30 years, I can’t afford the life I need, maybe I didn’t do life right.
A very long list of tech that keeps getting longer. Mainly a good Mac, a Sony mirrorless camera, GoPros, etc.
A website. Setting it up cost me roughly ₦50k.
Apple Music. Paying for music. Like, I miss 2006. You download music now and everybody thinks you’re archaic. But that’s just the way things are now.
– I’m fucked. That’s probably why I never fall sick. Life is very much in limbo right now. But I’m working on plans to prepare an emergency fund. Maybe in a small buying and selling-ish business.
Not really. I needed time off. I was burned out after University. Even if there was no NYSC, I might have had a gap year or something. I just needed a break from chasing and all of that.
Sometimes, I wish I didn’t even get a job, but then I can’t complain. I have job experience – valuable business development experience.
I’ve not even really planned everything to the letter, to be honest. But the best case scenario is that I get retained at my current place of primary assignment. That might give me up to 150k for a starting salary. Do that for a year or two, then I go back to school to get another degree.
The goal is to attempt to grow my income enough to cater for two people at the minimum. Not because I intend to become the sole provider or anything, but as a personal target. I just want to be able to help out. I’ll consider it a successful three years if I can go to school and juggle work.
Worst case scenario, none of this happens, and I end up looking for a job. Or find a small gig, while doing stuff I truly give a shit about on my own time.
I’ve never really been the happiest person. But I’m alive sha, I don’t worry a lot.
I’m trying to enjoy the impermanence of my situation, and not think too much about it.
Check back every Monday at 9 am (WAT) for a peek into the Naira Life of everyday people.
But, if you want to get the next story before everyone else, with extra sauce and ‘deleted scenes’ hit the subscribe button. It only takes a minute.
Also, you can find every story in this series here.
Every week, we ask anonymous people to give us a window into their relationship with the Naira – some will be struggle-ish, others boujee–but all the time, it’ll be revealing.
If you’re looking for a person who’s genuinely enthusiastic about work, the subject of this Naira Life story speaks to this.
This particular episode was pulled off in partnership with Fairmoney. They’re promising that you can get up to ₦150k in 10 minutes. Mad ting.
Age: 25
Occupation: Product Marketing
Current Income: ₦210,000/month (net)
Rent: Nil
Let me think–it was at my Church’s Media Team. I was a P.A. to the Director of Productions.
Oh no! Wait, I also made money in school–I sold Cheese Balls and biscuits.
The first time I tracked my profit, I realised I actually made ₦5-₦7k. I went to a private University where leaving school was a problem, so I ended up having to send school workers to help me buy more goods. This was my 2nd year and I guess that counts as my true first hustle. I did this for at least 2 years.
The Church money was in my 3rd year, and that was ₦30k.
I didn’t exactly grow up in a proper mummy-daddy family. So for some reason, there wasn’t any structure around pocket money. Money just came when it came. Whenever I was broke, I just go, “can I call my aunty to tell her I’m broke again?”
Before I served, I worked at an Ad agency as a front desk officer–₦50k, plus tax. I remember when 40-something thousand naira entered my account, and I was like, what is this tax thing for sef?
Omo, I was a big girl that time o. It was close to work, so I never spent money on transport. There was this guy who was toasting me, so he was always giving me free rides.
That period was actually the first time I bought stuff online–one rubbish skirt that cost ₦6k.
I was tired of being at home in Lagos with my folks–too much control and curfews–so I was glad I got out of Lagos. My allowee was ₦19,800, then ₦10k from my Place Of Primary Assignment (PPA).
But I had one extra hustle there: My PPA was at the Government House Church, so there was an extra gig–as a church greeter. I kid you not.
“You’re welcome to Church!” every time the governor was arriving. Different colourful clothes and all that, every Sunday.
Then I took another weekend gig that had very little to do with money. I always had this dream that I’d have some form of impact wherever I serve. And because I like kids too, I started teaching some children on weekends. I asked for ₦2k. Do you know their father still owed me? Nonsense.
2016. Then I started working at a small media company. I got paid ₦50k. Ah, my mum insulted me sha. Plus my uncle too. They didn’t understand how they’d spend almost 4 million on my education and then I’d settle for ₦50k for a first job.
It wasn’t even funny at all.
But to me ehn, it wasn’t really about money at the time, so I was willing to take it.
I left after three months. The structure, or more accurately, the lack of it, was a problem. I did Social Media management there.
Then I joined another media company. I was working on digital strategy and content management. This was actually where I started taking all the online courses I could find because I realised how much I liked marketing. I studied something completely different by the way.
I asked for ₦120k, and they basically just said: “you’ll see your salary.” That’s how my salary came and I saw ₦70k. Rookie mistake.
It was a disaster.
Then they stopped paying consistently. Then one day, in the second half of the year, we got laid off. Bruh, I cried all the way home. I didn’t even know where to start. Keep in mind I still had responsibilities with family. So I started job hunting again.
While I was looking for a job, someone told me about a woman who had a blog and needed someone to handle social media.
I was like, oya let’s do this. Why I especially liked this gig was that I had enough room to grab new skills. ₦35k.
I started at another media company in October. But how I ended up as an intern there despite having some decent experience is even more epic.
When I first applied for the gig, I got an email that said stuff like, “Oh apologies, we don’t have full-time positions, because we’ve hired for these positions. But we have internship positions.”
I was willing to take it to be honest, but my mum was like “what exactly is your problem? What internship are you doing with all your past experience again?” She wasn’t having any of it.
But I really felt like this company was pretty much one of the biggest in the media game.
When I resumed, there were no ‘filled out full-time positions’. In fact, no fulltime hires had been made recently. They just wanted someone who could do all the work for less money. The learnings ended up becoming valuable, but I can’t forget that.
I got paid ₦40k at first, then later ₦50k after 3 months.
Also, I still had the side hustle–that woman with her blog–that gave me ₦30k.
My internship was supposed to last 6 months, but by the sixth month, there was no word of the way forward. So when I sent in a notice that I was going to quit, I got a “Oh you’re going to get a raise. We’re going to confirm you, full-staff.” In my head, I was like ohhhh, so you had to wait for me to try to quit first.
I quit anyway.
Something I told my mum before I took the job was that, when I begin to apply for other jobs, it won’t matter much that I interned. What will matter is the work I did, and bruh, did not I not do a lot of work? It stretched me intensely.
Then I joined another company and my net was ₦210k. Even better is that it was also close to home. The thing about this new gig is that it required all my attention when I joined, so I quit my side hustle.
As much as I say money is not everything, it’s still a major key. Being broke makes me cranky. Even in my relationships, when I tell you I have a problem, I don’t even need to ask you to give me money. You’re just supposed to use your head.
First of all, I budget a lot. I know where my next salary is going.
I tend to feel bad about it, but I spend a significant amount of my money on hair. My monthly spending tends to change a lot too. For example, my ideal savings should be ₦100k. But then I spend on hair, and that one just disappears. Also, makeup. Usually, each time I’m shopping for makeup, the budget is ₦10k, but I just bought a crazy new brand that’s more expensive–₦26k.
See ehn, I’m not doing again.
looks like.
I’m also big on kolo or piggybank–anyone you call it. I just throw change in there. I’m not a cash person, so every time I withdraw money, I make sure to keep some of it in. I have no idea how much I have in there to be honest.
There’s also the part where I’m obsessed with clothes.
I spent ₦50k once. It might not seem like a lot, but that’s a quarter of my salary. No shopping for another four months after that.
I sit down at home. What am I looking for about? If you want to take me out, come and carry me, please dear. Last weekend, when I wanted to go out so badly, I slept through it. When I’m craving anything that involves going out, I sleep. Sleep works like magic.
I was in a long distance relationship with someone Abroad, we used to text and do video calls. Then I took a break. Then I started talking to someone back here. That meant that I started buying airtime to talk on the phone because the Internet can’t be trusted. I’ll buy ₦1k airtime, and next thing I’ll hear after talking a little is “your account balance is low.”
One of the guys I’m currently reviewing said we need to take a break from going out. Because every time we go out, it’s like “let’s go and eat here,” “let’s go and chill there,” and then you end up spending money. One guy took me to this restaurant that’s so damn expensive. When they brought the bill like this–₦40k. And what did I even eat?
Local relationships are expensive. You want to go to nice places but they’re all overpriced. Abroad, good pizza is cheap, but here everything is expensive.
Long distance relationships or just being single saves you money.
Like ₦400k. Because my work stretches me mentally a lot. I have sleepless nights just trying to crack it. If the things I come up with to add value to the company, I should be paid. My work takes all my time. I have no work/life balance. If I spend so much time on my work, I should be paid more.
I see myself being Marketing Director in a top company. Or a marketing consultant. I should be earning like ₦3 million a month when I think of where I’m headed and the amount of knowledge I’ll have by then. This figure is of course based on the current value of the naira.
A car. I need it now-now. I’m done with these Uber drivers. I’m tired–the ones that smell, the ones that talk to me one kain, the ones that annoy me.
The car I want is ₦10 million, but the one I’ll manage is ₦2 million. Two separate things.
I intend to run a primary and secondary school in my 50s, when I’m done with the corporate world. But if you’re asking when I’m going to stop working, the answer is never, because I really can’t be idle.
13k gets put in my pension account every month? To be honest I’m not sure. It’s just one of those things I do because they said we should do it. But I don’t feel strongly about it, because I feel like if I have my own money, I won’t need it. But they say things might just go wrong and then you suddenly need it.
My phone. It cost ₦306k. My Airpods, on the other hand, didn’t require serious planning because I bought it once–it did require serious thinking.
As much as I didn’t want to do it and didn’t budget for it, it was school fees for one of my siblings. It was some ridiculous reason that would mean he didn’t resume on time, so I paid ₦40k.
My baby brother’s business. Investment is something you get out right? Uhm, no I don’t. Because it’s more of giving than actual investing. This is why I want to start my own. I also want to invest in someone’s business soon. Someone I know is starting a food business.
Something like a 6.5. My current income just gets me the basics, but there are so many things I need that I don’t have. Like my car, I want my car now.
There’s still so much more I want to do, but I can’t do now. I won’t say I’m unhappy, but I need more to be able to do more things than I can do now.
I was hoping you’d ask how much I’ve ever earned in my entire life?
Add all the money I’ve earned since then–the 50k gigs, side hustles, the end of year bonuses and returns on small investments here and there. I’ll put the money at maybe ₦15 million?
I’m starting a side hustle soon, it’s more about finding personal purpose than finding money. I feel the need to touch lives to directly and I want to do it with business.
The funding for this? It will have to come from my savings.
It’s time to put all that kolo money to work.
That’s because, by your third or fourth year, you’re probably saying this a lot – “I’m tired of this school”.
Was it not last week that you took photos at Motion Ground and printed 20 copies for posterity?
When you saw you wouldn’t have to write JAMB for one more year and you promised God that you would change the world.
But you were still full of hope. Nothing could take you down.
FY bro. Can you make an electro beat on FL?
Because the thunder that should fire them is already keeping you at home.
“If we no get joy, wetin we gain” – Victor AD, 2018.
Looking at exam results like somebody has stolen your brain. That’s the only explanation.
You thought this thing ended in secondary school. Now you’re asking God why this particular affliction rose a second time.
What’s the worst that could happen? Sell pink lips cream at Computer Village?
It is your duty to maintain balance and order, one that is fulfilled by sharing wisdom in the form of parables like “Alligator na lizard wey go gym”.
Welcome to the real world, the labour market, the school of hard knocks or whatever depressing name people use to describe life after university.
It’s true that things are hard out here but it’s down to how much effort you want to put in.
In the immortal words of the urban philosopher, J.Cole, “choose wisely”